Saturday, August 14, 2010

Reflection

It was time to get out of the house.  Put on the straw hat, go to the pond area and sit down. 

Shortly after I got out there, a hummingbird caught my attention.  About 9 feet off the ground, it was zinging back and forth attempting to catch a small fly.  It did, eventually, catch it.  It came back - another fly, more dinner. I have not seen that before.  I have only seen them feeding at the feeder which I have not been filling because it is in the direct sunlight and the liquid goes bad quickly.  Cooler temps and I will start filling it up again.

Dogs in tow, the fish were hungry.  Very small black ants had found their way into the goldfish flakes container that was closed.  No matter, they aren't going to stick around on that food in the water, if they do, I doubt the fish are going to care that they swallowed an ant. 

I believe the direction of life should be controlled by the Lord.  I also know that for several years now, I have been floating aimlessly.  I feed the hungry, yes, but as far as fulfilling the call of the Lord on my life - it hasn't really been going in any concrete direction. 

Is it time, I had to ask myself, to do something about this?  Have I had enough of the post-divorce trauma that I have let debilitate me for over 5 years now?  Shall I finally find a way to get into something with a group of people that believe the same and start living life again?

I wondered, also,about why I had bought such a large house.  4 bedrooms turned into 5 with 2 bathrooms, 2,000 square feet.  Why does a single guy need a house that large?  What do I need with a place this large?  Couldn't I have bought a smaller one and not had to have tenants?  Not sure about that one, the upgrade in size was only $10,000 more, relatively small amount for a house and adding substantial square footage.  I never thought, though, that cooling this place would cost so much in the summer.  Well, we're already halfway through August - temps will start going down next month (hopefully) and so will my cooling bill.

Perhaps I had thoughts of having another family.  I dunno.  I don't really regret it, yet, I wonder if I wouldn't have been just as happy with a smaller house and a bit smaller payment. 

I can only say that tomorrow morning, around 10:00 am, I am going to try and force myself out to that car and get over to that church.  I think/believe it's the one.  I haven't ever been there, I just feel it. 
The last 3 I didn't have that feeling.

I"m not going in any particular direction with this, just expressing innermost thoughts.  Not all of them, but sufficient.  There are things that go on in my life that I don't write out on an internet forum.  Some things should be kept personal.  Some things it just isn't wise to speak about to everyone on the block.  It's been an interesting 24 hours is all I can say. 

I'm going to bed early.

ben

Saturday

Michael - is gone. As is the way with him and his family, things can change abruptly without any forewarning. 
He got his stuff and left.  That's it.
I have no qualms with it, either.  One less mouth to feed, TV's that won't be on endlessly.  The black kids won't come over because he isn't here and that will mean even more money saved.  Life isn't all about saving money, but this was his decision. 

Caleb - is gone a lot now.  Work keeps him very busy along with school now.  Some girl at work  - his age - apparently thought it would be cute to start rumors that he is a slacker and told him that he was going to get fired.

Instead, it turns out, this girl is going into rehab.  At the ripe old age of 17, she is an alcoholic and they are going to try and bring her out of it.  What, however, is it that goes through the mind to start an ugly rumor like that?  Caleb's manager called him to him earlier this week - Caleb thought it was all over.  He was going to be fired.  Instead, the manger asked him if he could take some of the girl that is going into rehab's shifts?  Caleb told him he thought he was going to be fired and answered the question after being asked why he thought that, the manager simply replied that you don't listen to them, I am your manager, not them.

He's growing up and learning.  Dealing with workplace crap can sometimes be very traumatic.  It can certainly be a big test.  It will definitely force him to learn how to deal in inter-personal issues not only in the workplace, but in all of life.

Meanwhile, I am sitting here in a completely empty house.  No kids, no tenants.  Not that the tenants are gone permanently - they are out doing whatever they are doing.  I have not experienced this kind of tranquility and peace for a long time in this house.  No pity party desired, I am all over this.  Okay, there are 4 dogs here, but besides that....oops, forgot the trailer tenants.  They are almost always here.  He just paid me up a whole month's rent and is hoping to get a place in Mesa next month. 

My thoughts have wandered towards attempting to force myself to go to church tomorrow.  I have the church picked out - it's in Chandler.  I pass by it every day going to work.  It has drawn me.  I want to go - and yet - the old issues always come to mind.  10:30 am.   No, not committing to go, just trying to get my mind into the place where I can walk through the doors, put on a smile, find a seat, sit down and absorb whatever there is to absorb from the place.  I have some trepidation - it is a prophetic church.  I have been called out in prophetic churches before - not a bad thing I guess but still. 

I feel a great need to get back into the fellowship of other believers and start making some new friends again. I feel I am at the verge of it. 

Besides taking Caleb to work earlier, I have spent the entire day indoors.  It is very hot outside and I have simply not had the gumption to do anything but watch movies.  In fact, I have done nothing at all, not even cleaning.  The house, however, is in pretty good shape right now so no big deal.  The heat advisories (yes, there is more than one for the area I am living in) are in effect until Monday evening.  The second hottest summer on the records since they started keeping records.  My electric use is off the wall, but, I am keeping it at around 82 in here during the day if no tenants are here. 

So that's it.  I am not going into news stuff now cause' I don't much feel like it.  Obama this, Obama that.  It's amazing how much that man really WANTS the press to cover him.  Self-aborbed?  Certainly in love with the sound of his own voice. No, I'm not a fan and never will be.  At least the outcry for him to stop blaming Bush is getting louder.  More people are saying - gee, Mr. President, you have had a year and a half to deal with this and now we are looking at a potential double-dip recession. I really don't think he cares.  In fact, I don't think any of them care one way or the other.  Get their agenda through, come what may, consequences be damned.

I'm watching some freaky movie called "The Eye" on Lifetime Movie Network.  Weird stuff there.  I saw the movie once but it was late when I watched it - quite a while back - and fell asleep so I really don't even know the ending of it.

Well, that's my update.

ben

And so, here I am on the cusp of a Monday morning and whatever adventure lays ahead of me.  Whatever happens, it appears likely going to be ...