Sunday, January 5, 2014

Is this too good to be true?  How does something like this get dropped on my lap?  I have sought it for a long, long time and when it finally came and now in the middle of it, it is like a dream. I look into the dream and wonder if it will vanish, go away, turn to dust, dry up and wither away.  I ponder a life alone without anyone.  I ponder a life with her and with all those kids.  I wonder about giving up my house and all the work I have put into this property.  Years worth.  I look out my windows and see the fruits of that labor.

I think about the serenity of my current existence and come to the conclusion:  it is only an existence.  It is void of all the things that make a person feel loved and living a life to it's fullest.  What is there here? A desert full of heat.  A family full of contention and people that can't stand to be around one another for more than a few hours, a couple of times a year.  I hate to leave my mom behind, but she has money,she can come visit if she wants to.

I don't feel like I"m leaving my son behind because he has found his path and he is walking in it.  I have let him go.  Not gone forever, but in the spirit of a father letting go of his son, to go forth in life, find out about life, walk his own path, hopefully with the Lord and hopefully a good walk.  I can only pray and hope and yes,take some pride in the path that he has chosen.  I will never lose him, I know that and I have peace in that.

I have some trepidation, maybe call it fear.  What if we get married and then it doesn't turn out well?  What if this and that.  What if I can't make that difference in those boy's lives and all continues to go to hell in a handbasket? Yet I have a peace about this. She told me tonight they were all standing in the kitchen, laughing and having fun with the memory of the 2 days we spent at the pond.  Saying there is finally a real man around.

My mind is so full of clashing thoughts right now.  Can this work? Yes it can work! But what if this?  You'll figure it out.  What if that?  You'll get through it.  Over-analyzing, but maybe not so much.  Trying to dig up every fathomable thing that can happen and attempting to walk myself through it in my mind and come to a realistic conclusion.  I am not having second thoughts, I am attempting to grasp all of this in my mind. In my heart. In my soul.  In my spirit man.

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