I talk to her friend occasionally, we just talk about everything that is going on. She told me last week that I am not cutting it for m'lady and that I either need to step it up or there may be the possibility of not having a "good marriage". I've had ample time to think about those words and wondered what, exactly, m'lady has been telling her because in reality? I have done nothing BUT give my time, mind and heart to her.
I suppose the thought has crossed my mind that a person that has as many issues as she does - rebellious kids, torn up house, menopause, financial issues, etc weighing on her and getting angry at kids and ex and all of that? Probably would eventually find a reason to turn on me as well at some point. I have taken the brunt of a lot of emotional "stuff" from her in trying to help her walk through all of this but the problem here is that I am gettting nothing back to replenish it. I am becoming spiritually and emotionally drained. This cannot continue like this for my own well-being, which I find I MUST take into consideration. I've been down the road of neglecting your own needs to help meet the needs of others, it is definitely not good for a person.
You eventually become burnt out to the point that you want nothing to do with whatever - or whoever - it is that got you to that point. You withdraw and find yourself even going into depression. You don't think clearly and the only thing that starts to emerge is self-preservation. I find I must take the appropriate steps at this point to keep that from happening.
I identified last night another issue that is eating at me. She wants me to conform and change to what she wants me to be, not allow me to be who I am. I like my occasional ice-cold beers, I don't get drunk. I never lost the taste for beer after I gave my life to the Lord and I struggled with that for a long time, but I finally came to the conclusion that a few beers isn't going to send me to hell. I do allow a few cuss words to slip through my lips here and there. I like to watch movies, some of which she objects to. I cannot give my every waking moment to her - of which I pretty much have for quite a long time now. I must have some alone time, everyone needs that. I don't ascribe tothe woman wearing the pants philosophy. Lots of small things and a few bigger things that are all adding up.
I never went into this with her expecting that she was going to change into something that she isn't. SHE said she wanted to change and not at my urging, that has to come from within. I expect the same freedom. If I want to change some things in my life, it should be because I have identified something that I want to eliminate from my life or otherwise see changed to something a little better, NOT because someone is attempting to force me to do it.
Am I talking to myself? Yeah, sort of. I am writing out my feelings, helps me to assess where I am at and what I need to do next. No clear path here, but I probably need a few days away from her. I don't know what she neds, I only know that I have given of myself to the point that I am at a breaking point and I can't let that happen.
Just seems like my feelings and needs aren't even considered here. Just give, give, give.
Well whatever. Almost at work.
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