Well it's been a while since I posted on here, I have either not had the time (mostly) or been just too tired (sometimes, I usually can find the energy to click out an entry regardless of how fatigued I am).

So much has happened. So much mental and emotional energy.

The biggest thing this week happened yesterday.  Josiah was talking with mom earlier this week - of what I had no clue and was kept in the dark.  I was informed that he wanted to have a talk with me in his mom's presence.  I asked a lot of questions and got the runaround.  Well what is the purpose of this conversation? What is going on here?

We had some pretty long texting sessions but I never got much of anything out of it. The day before this conversation on Wednesday, feeling uneasy about whatever it was he wanted to dump on me, it was obviously not going to be pleasant and I was wondering if I wanted to be subjected to a 16 year giving me grief.  I reluctantly agreed to it, but asked him to be nice, I have feelings and emotions too, I'm not a machine.  He said yeah, it's not that bad, I just need to get something off my chest.

Okay. So yesterday arrives.  I go over there after work, we have a bite to eat, m'lady, Josiah and I go up to Josiah's room, we sit on his couch and he lays down on his bed.  What came after that out of his mouth was painful, hurtful and some of derogatory, hateful and very much antagonistic in nature.  He said it in calm tones and he didn't blow up - mostly because I was seriously biting my lip.  I was shocked, literally, at the depth and tone of his complaints against me and further unbelieving that she knew much of what he was going to go into and hadn't warned me about it first.  Yes, I had asked early this week because that is when I found out and that is when it became obvious the two had been talking.

I'm not going to relive his words by writing them here, I just am not.  Very hurtful words.  I just had such a hard time with it because we had a pretty good relationship going - all up until that girl came into his life and then his attitude started going south and he is, at this point, obsessed with this girl.  Therein lies the problem. Nothing can get in the way of it.  Nothing. When something does, he has a cow, literally I mean it gets bad.  My words cannot describe the anger and even hateful speech that comes out of his mouth when anything - even a request to do something that will take all of 2 minutes to perform - is asked and she is there with him. He goes ballistic.  Or if he makes plans - without asking permission - and then expects that his plan is going to be honored regardless of what is going on or any life situations are brought forth.

Regardless, the end result is that he doesn't want me dealing with him and his girlfriend and the requests anymore.  That has been dumped back onto mom.  I mean, in one fell swoop this all happened and left me reeling. Not that he wanted to have his mom responsible for the decisions, but the way he went about trashing me and talking s*** and even to the point of attempting to inform me how to "love" his mother.  Consider the source, right?  Yes but I am a mere human being, people talking like that to me would normally illicit a reaction right back into their face - and oohhhhhh yes, I could have given it right back to him in a thousand different ways.  But I kept silent for the most part, mostly in awe (not in a good way) of how he was talking to me and also because she had not given me the information as soon as she had heard it so that I could have at least prepared my mind, heart and spirit for what was to come.

However. He will soon find out that in life, "be careful what you wish for".  It became apparent that he thinks she will give him much more leeway, but the exact opposite is definitely true.  In reality, I give him more than she ever wants to give him.  In fact, he will find out this week.  Well, in fact, he has already found out.

We went to the lake today. My idea earlier this week - though after last night I woke up this morning not even wanting to get out of bed, much less take a group of kids and m'lady to a lake and have "fun".  It will take days - at least - for me to get this out of my system the stuff he said to me last night and deal with it and move on.  We went - I was in a bad mood, quite honestly. Very bad mood.  Having fun at the bottom of any of my lists.  Stay home and try to work through this in my inner man, more like it.  Well we go pick up his girlfriend, she doesn't even acknowledge either of us as she gets into the rather enormous 15 passenger van.

Get to the lake and get going.  Get into the water - not too murky water and perfect temperature, I was amazed.  It didn't really change my mood but at least a temporary distraction.  Which lasted not very long as we basically had a terse conversation - lady and I - about Josiah and what happened last night.  I won't go into the details, it's kinda personal but we talked through it, out in the deep water hanging onto a floating pier that had been built for people to come and sit on or jump off of at their pleasure.  I just dumped it on her because - I was mad honestly - she hadn't told me anything and I felt like I had been ambushed - here he is, he's already got it in his mind that you are now over him, I want nothing to do with it. Make the decisions, deal with him yourself, he is two handfuls and I don't think you are really capable of it, since you handed him over to me to begin with.

But I got past that, it is really Josiah I have the issue with and he undoubtedly thinks what he says was perfectly fine. Laying things out straight, as he says it, with people is not always the best thing to do.  Regardless, Josiah did get to get dropped off at gf's home tonight but was informed that tomorrow? He will have to fix the pasture fence on the side where the houses have been built.  Saturday is one of his issues - he works 50 hours a week, why does he have to spend his "only" day off working?  Well, he has 2 days off but has this excuse that because he has to go to church for 2 hours on Sunday, it isn't a day off. Yes, this is the mentality I have been working with and FAR worse than that, in reality.

I heard the end of this conversation - he was pissed.  I said nothing.  After a - fun day - I forced myself into fun mode with the kids because they were having a blast and I didn't want to be the wet blanket to bring everyone down and eventually did start having some fun horse-playing and such - we drove back.  He popped up front and said to mom: I've made my decision.  I didn't hear the whole conversation that had pissed him off because I was busy outside of the van getting my feet cleaned so I could put my shoes on.  He wanted to go to the party tonight, work tomorrow and go to her house on Sunday. She said yes, he can go tonight, has to stay home tomorrow and work and Sunday she hadn't made up her mind.

Later on I asked her what her decision was going to be - curiosity since this weekend I had been the decision maker all the way up until yesterday, attempting to decide what to allow the boy to have and not to have.  But his attitude has totally sucked and I would have probably said no to Sunday - or cut it way short.  She said no, she "probably" won't let him go at all.

If she lets him to with her after all that has happened on Sunday, I am just simply going to tell her he is her son, make the decisions, please do not ask me for any further input, I can't keep doing this.  I have to preserve some dignity and his lack of respect and outrageous attitude? I am not going to continue to be subjected to.  He needs a major attitude adjustment.

This situation pretty much consumed the entire week.  I mean seriously. Today physically took it out me - in the water all day long.  This week has spiritually and emotionally drained me.  Their church does not cut it with me, either.  It has a nice pastor, he has some interesting messages, but it is nothing like the "meat of the Word" that I was getting at the church in Tempe.  It's a large church, nothing that particularly interests me, they have very few altar calls - to simply come up and get prayed for - that really doesn't set well with me and they don't really operate in the prophetic.  To each his own, a church that doesn't have all of that isn't really anything that does much for me.

I walked into the house today - to find a total disaster.  Kitchen, living room, bedrooms.  I pretty much went into despair after this ordeal with Josiah and saw the house again in that situation this morning and just threw up hands up. Said nothing to anyone about it.  Keep the house a total disaster.  Do whatever.  Understand that I am not even thinking about marriage and moving in there in a place that is turned into s*** that fast.  The reason I went into despair is because she listened to some dude giving a message about blended families and apparently thinks that she has to be the decision maker in all things concerning kids and that I guess I should just sit there and do - what - nothing?  Just live in filth and squalor, created by untrained kids who disrespect authority more often than not and don't care how they treat the living space they are given?  Just shut my mouth forever and live and deal with it?

NOT.  Look where the decision making has gotten that household so far.  My efforts would take a while to have effect, but I am confident with enough time and consistency, I could get them to come around.  Now? Oh well.  Whatever.  I'll get past this but if she wants to wear the pants in the family, that isn't going to work. Think I have said that on here before, but I will repeat it as frequently as my inner man brings it up to me.  I am not a passive man.  I do not sit around in a family having the other half telling me and everyone else what to do and when to do it.  I can go half way and meet in the middle to some extent, but sitting  around like a pantie-waste is a notion I have not even a remote idea of entertaining, especially for commitment as big as marriage and considering a lifetime of it. NOT.

Yes, I proposed marriage but yes, a marriage date at this point is indefinite.  No-one is going to pressure me into finishing this off until I am confident that this situation is reversing and coming around - in a serious, palpable and clearly defined manner. That something in my spirit clicks and says yes, now is the time to start talking about a date.

3 day weekend.  Today at the lake, totally exhausted.  Not sure about tomorrow.  I feel like I am wasting my time at this point in trying to fix up her house and get it presentable and a nice place to live.  Josiah's task tomorrow will take all day long.  I may go out there and help him. Yeah I know, sounds ridiculous.  I feel the need to at least try and work through this.  7 or 8 hours of working on a fence with him might prove fruitful.  Yep. That particular stretch of fencing - which is around 800 feet long - has been problematic with cows getting out and it needs a good fix and it's going to take an entire day to do it. 4 hands will get it done quicker.

Whatever the case, I refuse to sit in a house with garbage (literally household type garbage), clothing and whatever else laying around all over the place on the floors and everywhere else for that matter and just sit there and "take it". I will go outside and either sit out there or find something to do and when the subject finally comes up.  I am not going to clean up after kids.  They can clean up their own mess and if I no longer have any say in it, then she can tell them to do it, which obviously - she has not.

I am not trying to trash her, I love her and that's a fact.  To go into the events in her life that have led up to this would take a LOT of writing and is far too personal for me to write here.  It just wouldn't be right to do that, so I am not.

Well I am tired and finally at least getting something on here.

G'nite.

ben











Comments

  1. For ben b
    I have read this three times now, and each time I wonder what I can say that will ease the hurt.

    One thing for sure. The idea of “blended family” is pure bullshit on her (and her friends’) part.

    Your son is on the opposite side of the globe. It is about ten to one against you. That is not a “blend”…that is a battle!

    Which makes me constantly think of ROE. ROE is Rules of Engagement. It explains why the US got its ass kicked in Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, and it explains why the hugely difficult chore you set out for yourself (to my profound admiration) has now been elevated from Very Difficult” to “Almost Impossible”.

    It looks from here as if you have gotten a handle on the problems which beset that clan MUCH better than she has. If she feels it is NO problem to live in a home infested with garbage, litter, dirty clothes, insolent children, mould, rot and disgusting bathrooms, then you have radically different lifestyle viewpoints which will only get worse with the passage of time.

    You have quit a job you held a long time and moved from your home with your possessions to build a life with her (and them). What has SHE done to further the relationship and make it easier on YOU? Seemingly her contributions amount to criticisms, roadblocks and a total lack of any real appreciation of your rather awesome efforts to help her and especially the children.

    One thing that I think MIGHT help a little, like shock therapy, is to print my comment out and show it to her as the viewpoint of a third party. She could easily dismiss it as the biased male viewpoint of someone taking your side, but she might…hopefully, just might see enough in these words to give some real, serious consideration to what contributions SHE is making to make this relationship a good, healthy and happy one. It takes TWO...not one working and one sniping.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Like someone else said, she should be kissing the ground you walk on.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well yeah, this is definitely a battle, more like there are a lot of different battles going on at the same time. Extremely intense battles. Just one of them alone would take it out of me, to sit here and try to take it all in - I can't really do that, I would get very discouraged, some things I just won't tune myself into so I can remain focused and have some hope and confidence that eventually this can all be worked through and out.

    It isn't really that she likes to live in such conditions, she has been beat down, humiliated, treated like garbage or a pet, on and on, for much of her life. She just got to the "preservation" mode, what I call it, where you just do what you have to do to survive. A clean home would be nice, it isn't a part of preservation mode. Mold and rot - she didn't know about and when she did, she wanted it out of there and yes, if I hadn't been there, I think she would have gotten Josiah to do as much of the work as he knew how to do to get it taken care of as much as possible. Just I know what black mold does - it causes illness and people are sick and it was being blown throughout the house because it was right next to the air intake for the central AC system. I did the job right, Josiah would have attempted to but would have given up long before the correct process was through.
    I knew this was going to be lopsided at first going into this, I was going to give more and probably get very little. She is a very loving person, though, she is totally committed to this relationship, she doesn't see herself through very good eyes. But yes, I can only do so much and I can only take so much. Every one has their limits, I think I can take a lot more than the average person before I reach the thresh hold, not saying that to inflate myself I just identify the problems and then start to work on them as much as I can. I admit though, that I was starting to get pretty aggravated with everything. I had to take a few steps back here and inventory all of this, process it and try to get a grip: where is the happy me. The guy that likes to laugh a lot and have fun with even the little things in life and try to bring that to the environment.

    I could print this out and show it to her, but she would probably take it wrong and be hurt by it. I have let her know, though, in no uncertain terms how I feel about this situation, she understands but she is obviously wanting this marriage thing to happen sooner than I am willing to get into that full commitment. I think most people could understand, if they knew much of anything about this situation, why I would be hesitant to pull the trigger and get the marriage done and over with. I want to marry her and spent my life with her, but I really have to see some of this stuff going on start sailing in a different heading and start going in the right direction - and be WELL into it - before I will do it. I know myself too well, actually LIVING there right now would be hell for me. The fact that I can "escape" if anyone wants to call it that and have a private place to come to sleep, think and just be away from it even if only 8 or 9 hours a day, sometimes more, is a good thing for me.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dogs 101: How To Get Dog Antibiotics WITHOUT A Prescription

Cafe World Tip 11: Automatic Cooking

Monday