Got up this morning, had my coffee and shower, got the kids up - they like coming over here for whatever reasons I don't know, I guess different scenery and something different to do and then headed over to her place and then we all loaded up into one of her vans and headed off to church.
At church, the worship service was intense - God's presence often times brings tears to my eyes. I can't explain so I won't try, but definitely not in a bad way, experiencing His presence is better than anything this earth/world has to offer. But then I saw the communion plates come out with the blood and the flesh. Okay, the grape juice and the bread, but it's symbolic of Christ's crucifixion and what it means to us. That worried me. I separated the boys between me, they go to regular church on Sunday, the younger ones are all in children's church.
I thought wow, this isn't good. Unforgiveness between these two and sitting here in church about to take Communion. No. I can at least try right now. So I did. I spoke into both their ears - nothing long but to the point: forgiveness. They both nodded yes and then I moved out of the way and one stepped to the other and they did their version of it and it was done. That made me feel better. I dunno if it was enough, but it will have to suffice for now, as the youth pastor called m'lady tonight and told her that a position became open for the church camp going on wherever this week and so Jacob can go (the 14 year old boy). So tomorrow morning, he is being taken to the church and then off to summer camp and that gives a reprieve between these two boys to calm down, get it out of their minds and have some separation.
As it stands, Josiah was definitely coming over last night. "I need to get out of here" and from previous "engagements" before I came out here, I knew that was the best thing to happen. Get them apart from each other and mom doesn't have to deal with a catastrophe.
Well whatever. I have to start on that master bedroom. I know, marriage seems a long ways off, but maybe not. God can work things out in situations though I still need that reassurance that everything is headed in the right direction and that it is a permanent thing, not something that is in a part of a vicious cycle, like it is right now. We're in the "good" phase of the cycle, which so far has been followed by a completely disastrous part of the cycle which needle dives straight to the bottom on and the complete opposite side of it. I have to hope and rely on my God. That's what I have to say about it.
But let me just say here, this whole thing for me isn't just about one kid or two. I have a 7, 9, 10 and 13 year old that also want a lot of attention beyond the other, older 2 boys. The 13 year old, at least at the moment, follows me around like a puppy dog following a new master. I love you Ben. You are my best friend. Stuff like that. I mean constantly. Uhh, yeah, it's good to be loved by whoever, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, not at all. I've lived for 9 years without much love from anyone besides my parents. I know, it will change. It will change but with that particular boy, it's a good opportunity to build a relationship with him while the opportunity is there. The teen cycle. Goes through a lot of phases. The 9 year old girl - who was standoffish at first and now? Plops herself down on my lap and grabs my hand when going into stores and hugs me all the time. She is an absolutely beautiful little girl and I know in the future that is going to be a problem. But maybe not, with the right input. I'm not her daddy - but since daddy has abrogated his position in their lives to a great degree - I will take that position in her life if she wants it and I will deal with it accordingly. Any boy wanting to date her is going to go through me first. She is getting from me what her dad isn't giving her at all: attention and unconditional love.
The 7 year old? No way. At first she frowned at me - every visit in fact. Wanted nothing to do with me. I'm serious. But I wasn't pushy or anything, just let it take it's own course. I'm not her daddy, but - well you know if you've read this blog for any length of time about that - girls need their dads. If they don't get that attention from their dad, yes, another dude showing up and loving on mom and showing that love in front of all of them (which he didn't do) and kissing and hugging her and sitting next to her on the couch and holding hands? Yeah. She is always smiling for me now, she is also a beautiful little girl who will undoubtedly also be a handful in her teen years. But it's all good.
Oh, and for my friends that read here that also are friends on Facebook, my latest video on there shows a glimpse of the 14 year old. He's the one shooting the spray. I was going to do it - but I was afraid! LOL! I know what a wasp sting is like and it's not just one sting, at least my experience! OUCH and double OUCH! No thanks. He said no, I will do it! I will get stung but it's okay! NO, I said, just spray a short burst and get in the house! I knocked out about 20 wasp/yellow jacket nests today and there are plenty more to go. It's a strange experience to walk into a garage through the giant door and walking underneath several nests of yellow jackets. Everyone ignoring them like they don't exist and the first time? I'm terrified. I got to the point where I was not paying attention to them, but in my mind? KILL them, let them make there nests ANYWHERE else BUT the house!
Well here I am, pounding out another entry and yet too late to be doing so. This lifestyle is something that I don't know I will ever get used to. My work schedule needs to change and it ain't going to happen where I'm at now. It's 10 hour days and with the pay cut I took coming here, that's the only thing that's holding my financial world together right now. Without the 2 hours overtime, every day, I'm screwed as far as my personal life goes and getting back at around 6 and then by 8 I'm ready to head back here to my little abode to sit down, relax and get my mind ready for sleep. 3 day weekends. Like the never existed, they disappear so fast.
Finally? I've eaten my feelings, took the path of Christ as much as I could and Josiah and I are back on good terms. Yes, as I predicted, he is already regretting his decision. Didn't take long. I got him as much time with his girl as reasonably could be expected in such a situation. He apparently didn't understand that, I guess. I dunno, but it is what it is. I just rather build a relationship with him and if that means not having decision making on his visits with that girl, then so beit, but I tried to do the best I could while trying to preserve the peace within the family. Uhhhhh, yikes. I could say more but I hope it won't come to pass, cause' if it does, we are going to be back where this was months ago with him and that is not something I want to have to deal with. It was going up on the good side and he was really doing much better even though attitude recently showed up. Attitude was much worse before. I talked to him tonight texting after I left and after all was said and done, I just told him I wanted us to be cool with each other regardless of the situation that is going on. He agreed and said same.
Well, time to get to bed. Long day tomorrow, lots to do. Driving the semi this week- with all new brakes and components and tires and straps and yeah, that makes me happy to drive it! : )
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