Sunday, January 5, 2014

Is this too good to be true?  How does something like this get dropped on my lap?  I have sought it for a long, long time and when it finally came and now in the middle of it, it is like a dream. I look into the dream and wonder if it will vanish, go away, turn to dust, dry up and wither away.  I ponder a life alone without anyone.  I ponder a life with her and with all those kids.  I wonder about giving up my house and all the work I have put into this property.  Years worth.  I look out my windows and see the fruits of that labor.

I think about the serenity of my current existence and come to the conclusion:  it is only an existence.  It is void of all the things that make a person feel loved and living a life to it's fullest.  What is there here? A desert full of heat.  A family full of contention and people that can't stand to be around one another for more than a few hours, a couple of times a year.  I hate to leave my mom behind, but she has money,she can come visit if she wants to.

I don't feel like I"m leaving my son behind because he has found his path and he is walking in it.  I have let him go.  Not gone forever, but in the spirit of a father letting go of his son, to go forth in life, find out about life, walk his own path, hopefully with the Lord and hopefully a good walk.  I can only pray and hope and yes,take some pride in the path that he has chosen.  I will never lose him, I know that and I have peace in that.

I have some trepidation, maybe call it fear.  What if we get married and then it doesn't turn out well?  What if this and that.  What if I can't make that difference in those boy's lives and all continues to go to hell in a handbasket? Yet I have a peace about this. She told me tonight they were all standing in the kitchen, laughing and having fun with the memory of the 2 days we spent at the pond.  Saying there is finally a real man around.

My mind is so full of clashing thoughts right now.  Can this work? Yes it can work! But what if this?  You'll figure it out.  What if that?  You'll get through it.  Over-analyzing, but maybe not so much.  Trying to dig up every fathomable thing that can happen and attempting to walk myself through it in my mind and come to a realistic conclusion.  I am not having second thoughts, I am attempting to grasp all of this in my mind. In my heart. In my soul.  In my spirit man.

Midnight, call it Sunday morning.  Got home an hour and a half ago. Dogs were all over me, then tenants.  I'm tired but winding down from traveling with a bunch of screaming kids making all kinds of noise in the airplane.  And kicking my seat.  And making me want to do things, such as pull off my belt and take care of business.  But I refrained from doing anything and that was that.

Good trip, though, as far as the visit is concerned.  I had 4 boys traipsing along with me to the lower pond on both Thursday and Friday.  I was intent on building the dam and they were intent on helping me - though the idea of driving a pickup and a tractor were certainly part of the allure. Still, they just hung with me for half a day like flies on honey.  I got the message: they want a man around and they need that kind of attention.  I'm not a person to sit around and do nothing and I do have a sense of humor though my kind is hard for people to figure out at first.  Those 2 days were very productive for me, not in building a dam though I got that 80% finished, but in terms of figuring out whether this is going to work or not.

For me, it isn't just about the Lady, it's about the entire family. I can love her to death but if her kids hate me, then what?  Not a workable situation.  2 days ago, the 12 year old blurted out in front of everyone and much to my surprise: I love you Ben.  He said it again a couple of hours later and then a couple of times since then. Then, the 14 year old - serious issues but the right kind of input would fix it I think - said the same thing.  The 15 year has been saying that since the night those kids found out about m'lady and I.  The 17 year old opened up quite a bit, much more than expected.  Several times, too, not just one occasion.

That was really all I needed.  I can go into more about all of this later, but this is the jist of it with those boys.  She is coming out here in February, no kids, time spent alone, it will be, for me, the final thing I need to make a definitive decision.  If that trip for her to here turns out well, then it is a done deal for me.  Let's do this.  I will propose to her and if she accepts, a entirely new book, not a new chapter.  I don't need new chapters in an old book, I need a fresh book started at page 1.

Enough. I am exhausted.

Interesting day. Up early - 4:00, jolted out of deep sleep by the ridiculous phone alarm - annoying as all get out but that's the inten...