Saturday, July 5, 2014

So work day Saturday.
I have so many mixed emotions and things running through my mind right now, it's hard to .... process.... all of this. The boy that hated me and expressed his disgust for me to everyone some time ago before I moved out here has had a total change of heart.  He follows me around and - is obviously looking for the kind of attention he doesn't get from a particular person in his life that should be giving it to him. If you want your kids to grow up to be healthy, normal, sane human beings, the male side of the equation better be able to say I love you, show you the love and live it on a daily basis.  If you have kids and you can't do that?  You aren't going to like the eventual outcome.  In fact, it will come back to haunt you.  I gave my son unlimited, unreserved and complete love when he was growing up. That's what I can say.  I love you son, give him hugs, talk with him, have good times.

I was working with him today.  Josiah was fixing a huge portion of fencing down at the bottom of the huge pasture.  Jacob was off with mom and 2 girls getting stuff.  Andrew was supposed to be working but was watching TV.  He's a good kid, really, but having access to TV now has him a bit distracted.  Nathan - his real name is Nathanael but I can't deal with 3 syllable names that I have to say frequently, well I dunno, I can deal with it I just call him Nathan.  No-one there has ever called him that so it took everyone a while to accept it. Except Nathan, lol.  I call him that and everyone still says Nathanael and no-one tries to correct me and I don't care what anyone wants to call him.

We went to cut down dead trees for firewood for the coming winter.  Yes it's a ways off but you want to get it done, because m'lady relies heavily on her fireplace to heat the bottom floor of the house.  Plus you cut down a tree and cut it into logs - you still have to split the wood.  That's one of Josiah's jobs.  Regardless we did three large Oak trees and then found nothing else worth cutting - though those trees and hauling them to the pile for splitting firewood took quite some time anyway.  We walked the entire property looking for anything but Pine trees to cut down.  There is some stuff down but it's rotten.  Too old.  It needs to be hauled to the burn pile.

Uhhh, like the rest of the family, he talks a lot.  Mom talks, they all talk. We sat down on an old log and I just heard him out.  Asked a lot of questions.  Got a lot of answers.  I can't get a full picture of this entire story without getting everyone's input.  I can't take one person out of all of this and say, okay, I have the whole picture. Children often see things in a way that adults cannot and sometimes very revealing.  So it was, it was a good conversation, was glad to have had it with him.  I've pretty much heard out everyone, but there is so much that isn't revealed.  I don't know about stuff, I can't ask questions about things I don't know about and children don't think like that.  If you ask them about something specific, then yes, you will get their version of an answer.

Well at the end of that conversation, funny how things work out in life - we were done and then I get a text. His 19 year old sister not living at the house wants to come take him to the mall.  Okay! Let's get with it.  That sister is very rude to me.  She despises me because I am there.  She hates that her dad and mom got divorced and so I am a disease that needs to be eradicated. She shows up, gets out of her car, completely ignores me and - yeah.  Well, Nathan had asked mom for 5 bucks and she didn't have any cash on her.  So I got distracted by something I don't remember what - if you want to find a universe of things to distract you, just go over there and get involved with all of that going on, your brain is going miles per minute trying to absorb it all, process it and come up with answers and solutions to petty/minor/serious/major things.  I didn't say anything to him because I didn't know if I had any cash on me, I had changed into jeans and my shorts had whatever in it.  You don't work out in the kind of brush that is out there where the trees are that we were cutting down - you just don't.

So I'm talking to Jacob - he has serious issues but anyway - they took off out of the house.  Dang, I said, I had  just  found the 5 I had in my pocket that I thought I had there in my pocket. Jacob goes running to the door: hey, Nathanael, Ben wants to give you some money!  Stopped him in his tracks cause' I wasn't far behind and the way these kids say things, lol.  Well he comes right back and so does the sister, with the .... look ..... on her face.  I'm telling you, someday I'm going to have words with her.  I don't really want to but she's pushing it.  ATTITUDE, serious.  She doesn't like what's going on, I'm sorry, don't take it out on me, m'lady is not going back to the man, I can tell you that.

Let's pass some time here, this is all today, btw.  This is a "typical" day.  It goes on and on and on.  It is never-ending.

It is late, there is much more, but I want to pound out the keys for this particular thing that happened tonight before I leave this entry. My emotions are all over the place.  I can't describe it.  Not been here.  Different land.

So, I'm talking to m'lady and a lot even to go into all of that, the 2 conversations with 2 teenagers with her and them, everything.  We got done with both of them - one at a time in the room one at a time - I'm talking to her and then I start to hear yelling.  Serious yelling coming from downstairs.  I mean, sounding like people about to hurt each other type of screaming yelling that you just don't hear every day.  I run downstairs.  It was - scary.  They were yelling at each other - Josiah and Jacob - and they were going to fight and it was a violent anger that was coming out.  I missed the part of Jacob taking a blind hit to Josiah and sending him to the floor, I jumped in the middle of the rest of it, this is not happening, not when I'm there.
But I wasn't yelling at either of them.  Reason,  They aren't going to throw blows with me int between them, that's guaranteed.  But I didn't come off like that, I just knew in my mind I am big enough to stop them both at  the same time if I have to.  Josiah had his fist and arm up, Jacob speaking foulness to him.  Jacob was not hearing anything, but I know Josiah. Yeah, he has attitude but there is a tender hear in there somewhere, I spoke to that heart in very soft tones and he backed off.

I can't finish this, I wish I could.  It's after midnight, the hours I have been keeping are unreal, for me anyway, not anything like before I moved out here and I need the Lord's strength to keep this up and see this through.

ben











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