Sunday, June 12, 2016

Just got off the phone with a rather extensive discussion with mom about the group text message chaos where my middle brother literally blew up.  I mean, he went nuts, lost control of his temper, made all kinds of threats of physical harm against me and basically made himself look like a total a-hole.

That group text has all but been ghost-towned. My mother is still posting in it and I will say something just to try to keep it going, but my middle brother went on a 2 day rampage on there and then said goodbye and hasn't posted anything since.  He also hasn't spoken with mother since. I don't care one way or the other what he thinks about me, but give it a rest.  My mother is the nicest person you will ever meet. When it comes to us 3 boys, she treats it completely equitably, fair and no favoritism shown towards any of us.  She does this on purpose, of course and I agree with it.

Anyway, I braved the waters to call her today and find out what's going on, how she felt about it.  I mean, I have no clue, really.  She didn't go "off" on my brother, but she definitely said he had lost control of himself and that I wasn't wrong to stand my ground in declaring his apology - not an apology at all.  He said he was sorry I felt threatened, not, I am sorry I threatened you.  The texts are unbelievable, rambling and go on for 2 days.  I thought my brother had gotten over his anger issues, my mother corrected me about that today.

She also said this is an issue both of my brothers have been bringing up since I was 5 years old.  What? I didn't understand what she was referring to.  Well, she said, you were extremely sick when you were young and almost died X number of times and you were a full time project, I had no choice.  True.  I had asthma attacks that almost took my life on numerous occasions. We didn't have all of this stuff there is nowadays to deal with it.  I remember counting up to 90 seconds not being able to take a breath.  Try waking up in the middle of the night with that going on in your body and coming to realize it out of dreamland.

So now, I have a bit better understanding of their  resentment.  I thought their beef was against dad, now I am finding out it is against both my parents and me, for having to take up all of - her time - dad wasn't around much - in dealing with my asthma and allergy issues.  I was allergic to dairy and chocolate and whatever else I can't remember plus I had asthma attacks that were brutal and whenever sickness hit me it was far worse on my system with everything else than what occurs in most people.

But now, I realize I am allegedly the spoiled child.  Yet, my mom has always told me: You'll figure it out, you always do.  I don't ask her for anything.  I have never asked my brothers for anything, either.  If I have a serious issue, I do not even think about asking family for anything.  It's just not an option. My dad has helped me out in the past, but again, I didn't ask for it or even allude to it.  If life goes to hell, then to hell it goes.  Nothing I believe for but bad things happen.

Well whatever.  My brother's rantings sealed the deal.  We will never be a family.  It just isn't going to happen.  Or, if it does, it's a miracle of God and nothing else.  I have doubts that I will ever see him again.  I have been dealing with this all of my life, it doesn't have the impact that perhaps it would when someone gets that revelation the first time.  I am used to it, it isn't going away, I still would like to see it happen, but my hope for it to happen in real life is gone.

Mother wants me to come visit, I need to do that so I am going to try to figure out the best time and the cheapest route to do it.  I know the cheapest way there is to drive to dallas and get on a Southwest flight.  But there is gas to get there and back, parking for the car while I'm gone, transportation toa nd from PHX, spending money, trying to get down to see dad if possible, seeing my son, friends and visiting my house.  I'm going to have to take a week off and do this.

Well whatever. I'll figure that out, I just want to get some other things out of the way first.  Plus she's up in the moutains all the time  during the summer so a visit would have to correspond with her being in the valley.  I dunno, but I wouldn't mind spending another night in my trialer up there.  It's so peaceful and serene.  It's a getaway from the noise and confusion of "real life".

Per the Jeep, I was informed that the computer had been "repaired" once before.  Who repairs a computer in a car?  I've never even heard of that, you just replace the computer.  Now I am reconsidering my decision to have it towed. Perhaps the $75 spend on a replacement computer is a good gamble.  I've got 2 considerations pointing towards the computer, though not defnitive.  Still.

I'll decide that this week.

Anyway, time for bed.



















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