I didn't figure that the story was being told to management.  I had my doubts anyway and had to speak it for myself.  So sitting there speaking to the dude that said he had talked to management - well I wasn't convinced.  Just happened that the store manager walked up. "So, did you know that the brakes on that trailer are inoperative?"  Pretty blunt, yes and to the point. But I didn't just stop there, I told him the story of picking up the trailer down south and testing the brakes right off the bat. 

It's a task I do every day before going anywhere in any semi - test the trailer brakes. First time in my life, actually, that I got the truck rolling, shifted into neutral and pulled that handle that puts on the trailer brakes only - to have NOTHING happen. He looks at me funny after that and says, well, Eugene says the brakes work a little. They don't work great but they work. NO, I rebutted, they do NOT work!  The man I was talking with finally backed me up.  Nope,and started to tell a story of another driver that had the trailer in Baton Rouge that had trouble getting the thing to slow down on "Rainbow Bridge"  - apparently a very high and very steep bridge over the Mississippi River.  

Well, I'm thinking after he tells this story, how the h*** long has this thing been like this? I then went into how unsafe that truck is, how much trouble whoever is driving it could get into, on and on.  Please, let's take CARE of this situation.

After that?  All hell breaks loose. How's come no-one said anything about this?  Give me a break. I am the new comer and I have to do all of this?  Those other drivers what, living in fear? I don't care! I am risking my career to drive a thing in that condition!  I GET THE TICKET, IT GOES ON MY RECORD, I HAVE TO PAY THE FINE!  And whatever other things may happen, such as a very dark spot on my truck records that are on a nationwide data base for employers to see that I was caught driving a truck in bad condition and unsafe to motoring public? BS!

Floodgate was opened after management said no, that truck isn't going anywhere tomorrow but the shop! Well h***, that thing isn't even safe to drive to the shop! But I didn't say that, I'll take that over nothing at all.  

I know, I gotta big mouth sometimes, but almost always it's to help a cause', in this case: MY cause!

ben

I talk to her friend occasionally, we just talk about everything that is going on.  She told me last week that I am not cutting it for m'lady and that I either need to step it up or there may be the possibility of not having a "good marriage".  I've had ample time to think about those words and wondered what, exactly, m'lady has been telling her because in reality?  I have done nothing BUT give my time, mind and heart to her.

I suppose the thought has crossed my mind that a person that has as many issues as she does - rebellious kids, torn up house, menopause, financial issues, etc weighing on her and getting angry at kids and ex and all of that?  Probably would eventually find a reason to turn on me as well at some point. I have taken the brunt of a lot of emotional "stuff" from her in trying to help her walk through all of this but the problem here is that I am gettting nothing back to replenish it.  I am becoming spiritually and emotionally drained.  This cannot continue like this for my own well-being, which I find I MUST take into consideration.  I've been down the road of neglecting your own needs to help meet the needs of others, it is definitely not good for a person.

You eventually become burnt out to the point that you want nothing to do with whatever - or whoever - it is that got you to that point.  You withdraw and find yourself even going into depression.  You don't think clearly and the only thing that starts to emerge is self-preservation.  I find I must take the appropriate steps at this point to keep that from happening.

I identified last night another issue that is eating at me.  She wants me to conform and change to what she wants me to be, not allow me to be who I am.  I like my occasional ice-cold beers, I don't get drunk.  I never lost the taste for beer after I gave my life to the Lord and I struggled with that for a long time, but I finally came to the conclusion that a few beers isn't going to send me to hell.  I do allow a few cuss words to slip through my lips here and there. I like to watch movies, some of which she objects to.  I cannot give my every waking moment to her - of which I pretty much have for quite a long time now.  I must have some alone time, everyone needs that.  I don't ascribe tothe woman wearing the pants philosophy.  Lots of small things and a few bigger things that are all adding up.

I never went into this with her expecting that she was going to change into something that she isn't. SHE said she wanted to change and not at my urging, that has to come from within.  I expect the same freedom. If I want to change some things in my life, it should be because I have identified something that I want to eliminate from my life or otherwise see changed to something a little better, NOT because someone is attempting to force me to do it.

Am I talking to myself? Yeah, sort of.  I am writing out my feelings, helps me to assess where I am at and what I need to do next.  No clear path here, but I probably need a few days away from her. I don't know what she neds, I only know that I have given of myself to the point that I am at a breaking point and I can't let that happen.

Just seems like my feelings and needs aren't even considered here.  Just give, give, give.

Well whatever.  Almost at work.

ben

Well things went even further downhill yesterday.
First the fact that I was very tired - I didn't sleep well Sunday night and I paid for that yesterday. It was a busy day, non-stop. usually something I prefer but yesterday - was no fun.  After finally getting a 10 and a half hour work day done, I had to head over to her place to fix the brakes on the pickup that Josiah drives.  Ooops forgot about something that was said to me yesterday morning that really set me off.  To put it in "nice" terms, I am not a person who is agreeable with the lady side of the equation wearing the pants in the family.  If I don't even have at least equal decision making processes concerning whatever, well, that isn't going to work for me.

So anyway, 50 minute drive over there and had to deal with a creditor who said my payment was messed up. Then contacting Josiah - please have tools ready to go, I want to get this over with when I get there, not spend half an hour looking for tools that everyone just chucks wherever, whenever.  Arrive, yawning, wasted tired, pleeeease let's get this over with, I want to go home and collapse.

She comes out.  I am not going to go into personal details, but things went south quickly.  Josiah comes out - gung ho -wants to learn how to do brakes.  We get busy. Some of the most trashed brakes I have EVER seen and that is saying something considering the amount of brakes I have replaced on all kinds of vehicles.  The pistons were completely extended out of the calipers on both sides, but on one side, the damage was so extensive that the brake pad had actually dislodged from the caliper and had gotten lodged in a cover to keep debris from the road off of the rotors.

The caliper pistons themselves - different kind of setup, 2 pistons on each caliper instead of the one piston I am accustomed to seeing - were contacting the rotor to do the stopping. I have never seen that before.

Anyway, we had to replace parts and off to the store to get them.  Well, went inside to tell her that we were leaving and she - dressed me down in front of her kids.  I mean, seriously berated me and let me have it.  It was all I could do to contain myself and just turn and walk out of there.  I don't put up with that kind of s*** from anyone, much more a person I am engaged to.  There is a lot more but there are just things that need not go into here. I may on another blog I have that isn't read by anyone, but not here.

Soooo, anyway, got the parts, had Josiah do most of the work excepting getting the pistons back in.  The calipers probably should be replaced, but they are not leaking and they are functioning, trying to keep it a cheap fix until "more" money can be acquired at a future date.  Got everything back together, put tools away and Josiah was insisting I go on a test drive with him.  C'mon man, let's go!  Well why not.  Hey dude, wanna get something to eat?  Ummm, sure why not.  So, brakes working as good as they can - rotors not turned either but not so damaged that the brakes won't work - in reality the proper fix would have been to replace rotors and calipers - but, I have done these kinds of repairs before and though it isn't ideal, it works regardless.

So off to McDonakld's.  Not my first choice but it was his and since he was buying what the heck.  He has a job and works some pretty good hours and gets some okay paychecks.  We spent quite a bit of time talking about things. Regardless, got back, she's acting like nothing had happeneed. Sorry, I don't go for being treated like that and then somehow just forgetting it just happened. Didn't really leave in good terms and had quite a lengthy discussion on messaging after I finally got home at almost 9 pm and stayed up way too late talking about all of it so here we go again, facing another day at work on not enough sleep.

Whatever. My "free" time is up. Time to head off to work.

G'day.

ben