It was just too much.

The last time I fasted a few weeks ago, it was nothing like this.  Getting light-headed, extremely weak, hard to focus.  I gave up on it after getting back today, went to Kroger's, bought a bunch of stuff to cook, decided I was too out of it to cook so I also bought a precooked baked chicken along with salad fixings, came home, opened and ate. I really wanted to make it 3 days but that was just not in the cards this time around.  I'll likely fast again in 3 or 4 weeks.  This is nothing that I can do on a weekly basis, at least not yet.  

I don't think I made it into ketosis. It's not required to fast to start keto, it's just very helpful.  I probably ate maybe 8 carbs for dinner and I won't be eating again today.  Just switching gears from fasting to keto and not beating myself up for not making it 3 days, I never promised myself that anyway. I only thought, well, if I can make it 3 days, great.  

Beyond that, a gift from God, I think.  I got a text on my way home from the Park after finishing my work today: Hey Ben, your load cancelled for tomorrow.  I mean, I am not going to complain.  When I left there today, one tank was completely full and the other was one truckload away from being full.  2 trucks already loaded today I do believe, they will probably deliver tomorrow and then they'll just get a pause in deliveries. 

I made plans for tomorrow instantly by emailing the dealer in Carthage, if we settle on a deal and you have everything, how long between signing on the dotted line and actually getting all of it to my property?  He hasn't replied but I did email him after hours.  If I can get the machinery there tomorrow or the next day, all good. If not, I'm going to rent that thing over at the local rental place.  It's $310 I think they quoted and it's just a necessity. The driveway is hellish.  I'd rather get my own machine that does, indeed, have ripper teeth on it and tear it all up where the driveway is trashed.  I could also use the hoe attachment to dig down several inches and get it all loosened up and ready to use the box blade attachment.

Of course, the problem with the rental is that that machine wasn't sitting in their lot when I drove by coming back from Kroger's earlier.  

3 kids coming back on Friday, not just 2. The 3rd brother, product of another marriage, is coming for however long as well.  I was going to offer to meet up in Gurdon after the next load and they can come back in the truck.  I'm glad I didn't since the load cancelled.  It's an hour and 45 minutes from their place to Gurdon, it's almost 4 hours from where they live.  The grandma doesn't typically drive here and then turn around and drive straight back.  Some birthday party she wants to be at.  I now heard that the youngest was "raising hell" yesterday over there, they were out of his new medicine.

I'm guessing he was also wanting to come home, he probably has been wanting to come home.  Not my problem, but I don't know why anyone would want to subject themselves to that just to have those kids there. There is a point where they become cranky and irritable.  Home is a thing, I know the feeling from being out on the road so much in previous job.  

Regardless, I now have the details on this house they want to build on land wherever they want to do it.  I should have known or at least guessed what was going on, my mind just wasn't into it.  So in a year or so, they want to find property somewhere around here, build a house and a mother-in-law style separate house and we all move into it.  

I have my reservations.  It is one thing to live under my friend's roof, it would be quite another to live under grandma's roof.  Her place, her rules?  In the past, she has been rude, curt and short with me. Cutting me off in the middle of sentences and other ridiculous behavior, I got to the point I wanted no part of her.  We stopped talking for the most part.  This is all created by her jealousy of my relationship with the kids. Well yes, I live here, she does not.  I am with them all the time, she is not.  I don't down talk her to the kids, I wonder if the same is true about her towards me?

I am not saying I wouldn't do it, I did say to them that some "boundaries would have to be set in advance".  She's going to stay in her separate house all the time?  I don't think so.  This is all wanting to be with the boys and I get that, but at the same time, by the time they get this thing going, just how long will the boys be kids and living at home?  I dunno, I guess there's still time in their lives for her to be a part of it, but as soon as they turn into teenagers, we all know what happens. They become independent, don't want anything to do with the adults in the house and try to isolate themselves.  So in my view her time with such a setup is rather limited and she'd have to get busy with this real quick.

I"ll tell ya one thing, if this situation were to go down, I'd want a large bedroom like I have now and a much larger bathroom than what I have.  A sitting room, so to speak, the same as I used to do in the house in AZ.  I'd just disappear in there. Had a table, chair, fancy paintings, it was just a cool, quiet and peaceful place to hang out.  Who's going to bother you sitting in a bathroom? lol.  You make it into an awesome room and you have almost a man cave if it's large enough.  

I mean, the worst that could happen? I wouldn't be able to stand living in that situation and I'd have to move somewhere else.  But, I didn't stay out here after the 2cd marriage went afoul to then think about moving somewhere, I've lived here too long and I don't want to move out of this area.  Of course, moving into the AZ mountains would be interesting.  The thing is, I like living with people, I do not like living alone. I inherited a lot of things from my mother, we are the same in a lot of stuff, but this isn't one of them. She is very independent and lives alone and has lived along since her boyfriend died what, 15 years or more ago?  

I get bored living alone and I'd end up getting roommates just to have people to live with.  Animals can provide some amount of companionship, just not the same as human interaction.  Anyway, I like living with my friends  whether kids are here or not.  We've just gone through 15 days without them and life has been just fine.  I did happen to walk out and hear the oldest boy declaring it's "only 2 more days til we come home!".  I'm sure I'll get the whole scoop once they get back.  One will dump all over the place how he wanted to come home long before they did. I can tell by the way he was talking. The other will likely say he missed his mommy. Grandma's are great, but they don't replace mom, especially with a total mama's boy.  

Hmm, tomorrow is Wednesday.  I wonder if I can get my butt out of bed in time to get to that Wednesday morning Bible study?  I don't even know if I'd be welcome to it.  They have one at 7:00 am and another at 8:00 am.  Sure, let's try the 8 am version!  You'd be surprised, however, how much cliquish nonsense goes on in churches and "outsiders" aren't welcome. Or they tolerate you but you are obviously never going to be a part of their inner crowd.  I should go and test the waters on that. I am not looking for a negative interaction. I would go to  - study the Bible!  The pastor teaches it and I do wonder if he doesn't get into the meat of the word there versus what you hear on Sunday morning?  I'm intrigued now that I think about it.  

Really would like to expand my circle of friends here and there really isn't a better way to do it than through church groups.  Not like I'm going to go to a bar and find them there. Or go to a local restaurant and happen upon them, I wouldn't know who they were.  

Just not feeling it right now.  Getting semi-late, gonna go vegetate and go to sleep. 

 Tuesday - 8:30 am

Last couple of times I was up at the plant to deliver, their tanks were almost full and my truckload was the last they could have taken for several hours at least.  

There is no point in showing up up there directly after the other driver leaves.  I have no idea whether their tanks can accept 45,000 pounds of glue and if they can't, I could be sitting there for hours.  

I'm sitting here watching footage of Biden at some sort of concert, the blank look on his face is telling.  You wonder if he even knows where he's at or why he's there.  Basically, if you vote for Biden - if he even makes it that far - you are really voting for Harris to run the nation, for I can see no way this man is going to last 4 more years doing much of anything but sitting at home or even ending up in a assisted care facility.

I think it's sad that democrats are propping this man up like this. They're setting him up for failure.  His polling numbers are the lowest they have ever been.  Democrats have lots of people that could replace him, I'm not trying to say they want Trump at all, but how do they think he is going to win an election?  I mean, I don't want him to win, so there is that, but how can these people continue on with this man?  The only thing I can think of is they really want a Harris presidency for the first woman to occupy the position.  I feel like that would be a worse disaster than Biden, not because she is a woman but because she is completely incompetent, has no clue what she is doing, runs around cackling like a goose and if you have heard her speaking, she says a lot of words that literally have no meaning.  

Whatever the case, paying that electric bill just hurts, lol.  Suddenly, the checking account goes down almost $1,400 and the great progress! I am making sort of goes out the window.  I've got 2 lots I need to fill and I did run the Facebook ad. So far, I've gotten a lot of likes on the post but no one calling to inquire about taking a space.  There is no rhyme or reason to some of the calls I get for a space. Like, no ad is being run besides just the content on my facebook page and on Google, but they call and say they are going to be there in half an hour, lol.  

Day 2 of this fast.  I was hurting last night in terms of hunger. This morning, not so bad.  I'm checking for ketosis this time, but I feel like you have to get into day 3 to get that far with it.  There is no sign of ketosis yet and I won't be checking again until this evening.  At almost 3 days last time, I was full into ketosis but I had not checked before that point so I don't know when it fired back up.  

I have almost nothing in the cupboards to eat for whenever I do decide to start up again,  a trip to the grocery store is necessary today.  I like to keep chicken in the fridge for when I get hungry, I don't open up the fridge and say, dang, there is nothing in there to eat.  Just roasted chicken with some spices.  I alos like to have keto bread and sandwich makings available.  I am going to try and bypass the keto treats, they have a lot of chemicals in them and some of them, I found out the other day, have a chemical in it linked to cancer.  

I don't think there is any way to completely eradicate the desire for sugary things, you just try to ignore it and eat something healthy.  Oh, and plenty of greens.  Salad in the fridge is helpful as well.  Cut up some of that chicken, fry it quick in a pan and then dump it on top of a heap of salad with some ranch dressing. Delicious.  

I'm just trying to get my head back into Keto.  It's not a carnivore diet as many people say it is, even people doing the diet.  Meat should only make up 25-30 percent of your dietary intake.  You're really supposed to eat more fat, get that full feeling and keep yourself from feeling like you need to go raid the pantry for whatever is in there.  It's a tough diet, I have said that repeatedly and it's not for everyone.  If you're seriously wanting to lose fat and weight, this is the diet to do it with.  

I see these ads all the time online where this fit gym guru and one of his buddies in other ads as well denounce keto saying "it doesn't work", which is a flat, bald-faced lie.  The diet consists of eating only 1,200 calories a day, if I recall correctly from a site that reviewed the diet and said there is no scientific research to prove anything these people are selling excepting the fact that if you keep your caloric intake down for an extended period of time, you will lose weight regardless of which diet you are using. 

It was the "keto doesn't work" that turned me off to it.  Like, keep it honest folks.  I doubt that diet is any easier than Keto if you are restricting your caloric intake to that degree.  For me, the "milestone" of either losing fat or having to go up yet another pant size was enough for me.  I will lose enough fat to at least not have to worry about going out and buying an entire new set of pants.  I'm literally at the end of the belt holes, if I gain any more weight, it's off to Walmart. 

Hence, I am trying to make it through 3 days of this fasting to go ahead and get ketosis fired up, but this time, stay in ketosis.  

Oh, the other thing. I have given consideration on several occasions to selling the house and taking the funds to increase the size of the operation.  However, I would be throwing an old man to the curb that has taken care of the house for a decade since I left there and I feel like that would be too cruel.  I got my money out of that situation to fire up the rv park. Z estimate shows I could probably suck 100k out of that situation give or take, but Im going to sit on that until he either passes (he's getting up there) or ends up somewhere else. I don't really see him ending up somewhere else unless he ends up needing to be in an assisted living facility.  And frankly, if I were to sell out, I would end up giving him some of it to live off of.  There is no such thing as "affordable" housing in the Phoenix area anymore beyond the dump areas that have you living in a place with paper thin walls, drug lords and gangs running around area, filth, squalor, crime, it's just not a good place to be.  And now? I wonder if even those places are that cheap anymore.  

I feel like getting a tractor and starting on getting things worked on at the property without paying anyone to do it is "a" route to go, not necessarily "the" route to go.  The other option is to wait until interest rates come down, if they ever will.  Until the feds do something? That isn't going to change.

The time has come to depart for Gurdon and so I bid you a good day.