I'm sort of missing being a part of a church.  When I say that, I mean volunteering and doing the menial jobs or just helping people in need, nothing fancy and not the head of anything (I've done that, not wanting to do that at this point in time).  

I've just had such bad experiences with churches and it just seems like I'm opening myself up to another disaster if I try to get involved.  So I don't.

I was looking at the event they had for people that volunteer at the church I go to - it's a large church, yes, but there looked to be 200 people there.  I don't know any of those people in those pictures of them. I know who some of them are, ie: their roles and duties in the church, but I don't know them on a personal basis.

In fact, the only person there that really knows my name is the pastor.  This isn't a pity party, lol, I have resisted for quite a while getting involved because of the burns I have experienced in the past, especially by leadership in the church.  

I haven't gotten involved in any of the adult ministries where people gather to discuss things, get in the word, make new friends because I haven't wanted to have that kind of connection.  Old stuff is hard to shake off apparently, I thought I had gotten past a lot of that stuff.  Well, I think I have gotten past it, it's just starting over again....do I really want to do that?  

It's easy to get lost in a big church.  It's not why I go there, the kids pretty much get me to start going again. I was going to that church sporadically before they said they wanted to start going.  I haven't made a single friend in that big church since I started going - by design.  I haven't tried and I haven't wanted to. If I did want to, I'd go to those meetings and by now I'd be hanging out with different people.  I have no problems making friends, don't read this wrong lol... it's the type of friends I want.  I have found that non-Christians who don't go to church and want nothing to do with church make far better friends that these people that DO go to church.

Oh, these people have their horror stories of sheer hypocrisy and that's why they have shunned the church.  They don't want anything to do with it and after hearing some of the stories, I can hardly blame them.  If people see these people as representative of Christ, I can see where they'd want nothing to do with any of it.  Backstabbers, gossips, just a lot of stuff you wouldn't think you'll find inside of a church.  One of my stories ended up having a church losing half it's members. 

Not going into that now, just thinking about whether I want to start going to these meetings. I'd go to a 9:30 am meeting, out before the 11:00 am service, which I normally go to. 

 Monday - evening

Had no time to post this morning.  

One of the things I keep forgetting to mention here  - or I have mentioned it and don't remember - is the fact that the formely weed covered fields are filling up with what must be natural grass growing.  I certainly didn't plant anything out there, but there is a lot of area that has a thick covering. If the grass roots get dense enough together, they won't let weeds for the most part grow up through it.

Or at least, that has been my experience.  Right now, the dead stalks of the weeds are still there with the grass growing all around them.  I can at least be hopefully

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how to afford a 50 pound bag of Bermuda seed - not for those fields but for the lots - because this is the time to put that seed down and there is rain coming soon.  $300 or so for that bag.  Yeah, as with everything else, nothing is cheap or even close to it. 

So, in the morning I have decided to set the alarm for 4:15 am. Rest assured I won't be on here writing in the journal. It's going to be get up, take a shower, get my stuff and leave.  I intend on being at the plant around 7:30 am.  Huge advantage to leaving that early, I will completely avoid the ridiculous amount of traffic headed towards the Dallas/FtWorth area.  Coming back, probably not so lucky but whatever.  It'd still be noon before I get back.  It's 1-1/2 hours minimum unload time and 2-1/2 hours back.  

That is, however, better than 5 or 6 pm.  I'd like to hope this is the last one of these runs, but I'm hearing we might be stuck on this for awhile. Whatever they are doing in Lufkin, it's dragging out pretty good.  

I'm just hoping I can find enough energy after I get back to do at least a couple hours of mowing.  Maybe take a nap in the truck first and then get with it, probably not a bad idea.  My sleep is all over the board lately, some nights sleep fairly well and others? Fitful and really not sleeping.  Well, the tracker says I'm sleeping but it also pretty much says "fair" and "let's do this and that to get you into better sleep".  

I dunno what else.  I'm tired.  I didn't sleep well last night and it drags me down during the day.  I truly would love to sleep better, perhaps I best get into a daily walking routine to help with that. I was doing it for a long time but this truck driving and trying to keep up with the RV park have really taken it out of me and takes up a lot of time.  

Oh, well I was going to go to church early on Sunday but, the kids were gone and the house was quiet.  I just ended up sleeping in. Not too many Sundays when the kids are somewhere else and we get some peace and quiet.  They aren't supposed to make any noise in the mornings, but they do anyway, consequences be damned.  

Time to get off of here and start thinking about early bedtime.