It was just too much.

The last time I fasted a few weeks ago, it was nothing like this.  Getting light-headed, extremely weak, hard to focus.  I gave up on it after getting back today, went to Kroger's, bought a bunch of stuff to cook, decided I was too out of it to cook so I also bought a precooked baked chicken along with salad fixings, came home, opened and ate. I really wanted to make it 3 days but that was just not in the cards this time around.  I'll likely fast again in 3 or 4 weeks.  This is nothing that I can do on a weekly basis, at least not yet.  

I don't think I made it into ketosis. It's not required to fast to start keto, it's just very helpful.  I probably ate maybe 8 carbs for dinner and I won't be eating again today.  Just switching gears from fasting to keto and not beating myself up for not making it 3 days, I never promised myself that anyway. I only thought, well, if I can make it 3 days, great.  

Beyond that, a gift from God, I think.  I got a text on my way home from the Park after finishing my work today: Hey Ben, your load cancelled for tomorrow.  I mean, I am not going to complain.  When I left there today, one tank was completely full and the other was one truckload away from being full.  2 trucks already loaded today I do believe, they will probably deliver tomorrow and then they'll just get a pause in deliveries. 

I made plans for tomorrow instantly by emailing the dealer in Carthage, if we settle on a deal and you have everything, how long between signing on the dotted line and actually getting all of it to my property?  He hasn't replied but I did email him after hours.  If I can get the machinery there tomorrow or the next day, all good. If not, I'm going to rent that thing over at the local rental place.  It's $310 I think they quoted and it's just a necessity. The driveway is hellish.  I'd rather get my own machine that does, indeed, have ripper teeth on it and tear it all up where the driveway is trashed.  I could also use the hoe attachment to dig down several inches and get it all loosened up and ready to use the box blade attachment.

Of course, the problem with the rental is that that machine wasn't sitting in their lot when I drove by coming back from Kroger's earlier.  

3 kids coming back on Friday, not just 2. The 3rd brother, product of another marriage, is coming for however long as well.  I was going to offer to meet up in Gurdon after the next load and they can come back in the truck.  I'm glad I didn't since the load cancelled.  It's an hour and 45 minutes from their place to Gurdon, it's almost 4 hours from where they live.  The grandma doesn't typically drive here and then turn around and drive straight back.  Some birthday party she wants to be at.  I now heard that the youngest was "raising hell" yesterday over there, they were out of his new medicine.

I'm guessing he was also wanting to come home, he probably has been wanting to come home.  Not my problem, but I don't know why anyone would want to subject themselves to that just to have those kids there. There is a point where they become cranky and irritable.  Home is a thing, I know the feeling from being out on the road so much in previous job.  

Regardless, I now have the details on this house they want to build on land wherever they want to do it.  I should have known or at least guessed what was going on, my mind just wasn't into it.  So in a year or so, they want to find property somewhere around here, build a house and a mother-in-law style separate house and we all move into it.  

I have my reservations.  It is one thing to live under my friend's roof, it would be quite another to live under grandma's roof.  Her place, her rules?  In the past, she has been rude, curt and short with me. Cutting me off in the middle of sentences and other ridiculous behavior, I got to the point I wanted no part of her.  We stopped talking for the most part.  This is all created by her jealousy of my relationship with the kids. Well yes, I live here, she does not.  I am with them all the time, she is not.  I don't down talk her to the kids, I wonder if the same is true about her towards me?

I am not saying I wouldn't do it, I did say to them that some "boundaries would have to be set in advance".  She's going to stay in her separate house all the time?  I don't think so.  This is all wanting to be with the boys and I get that, but at the same time, by the time they get this thing going, just how long will the boys be kids and living at home?  I dunno, I guess there's still time in their lives for her to be a part of it, but as soon as they turn into teenagers, we all know what happens. They become independent, don't want anything to do with the adults in the house and try to isolate themselves.  So in my view her time with such a setup is rather limited and she'd have to get busy with this real quick.

I"ll tell ya one thing, if this situation were to go down, I'd want a large bedroom like I have now and a much larger bathroom than what I have.  A sitting room, so to speak, the same as I used to do in the house in AZ.  I'd just disappear in there. Had a table, chair, fancy paintings, it was just a cool, quiet and peaceful place to hang out.  Who's going to bother you sitting in a bathroom? lol.  You make it into an awesome room and you have almost a man cave if it's large enough.  

I mean, the worst that could happen? I wouldn't be able to stand living in that situation and I'd have to move somewhere else.  But, I didn't stay out here after the 2cd marriage went afoul to then think about moving somewhere, I've lived here too long and I don't want to move out of this area.  Of course, moving into the AZ mountains would be interesting.  The thing is, I like living with people, I do not like living alone. I inherited a lot of things from my mother, we are the same in a lot of stuff, but this isn't one of them. She is very independent and lives alone and has lived along since her boyfriend died what, 15 years or more ago?  

I get bored living alone and I'd end up getting roommates just to have people to live with.  Animals can provide some amount of companionship, just not the same as human interaction.  Anyway, I like living with my friends  whether kids are here or not.  We've just gone through 15 days without them and life has been just fine.  I did happen to walk out and hear the oldest boy declaring it's "only 2 more days til we come home!".  I'm sure I'll get the whole scoop once they get back.  One will dump all over the place how he wanted to come home long before they did. I can tell by the way he was talking. The other will likely say he missed his mommy. Grandma's are great, but they don't replace mom, especially with a total mama's boy.  

Hmm, tomorrow is Wednesday.  I wonder if I can get my butt out of bed in time to get to that Wednesday morning Bible study?  I don't even know if I'd be welcome to it.  They have one at 7:00 am and another at 8:00 am.  Sure, let's try the 8 am version!  You'd be surprised, however, how much cliquish nonsense goes on in churches and "outsiders" aren't welcome. Or they tolerate you but you are obviously never going to be a part of their inner crowd.  I should go and test the waters on that. I am not looking for a negative interaction. I would go to  - study the Bible!  The pastor teaches it and I do wonder if he doesn't get into the meat of the word there versus what you hear on Sunday morning?  I'm intrigued now that I think about it.  

Really would like to expand my circle of friends here and there really isn't a better way to do it than through church groups.  Not like I'm going to go to a bar and find them there. Or go to a local restaurant and happen upon them, I wouldn't know who they were.  

Just not feeling it right now.  Getting semi-late, gonna go vegetate and go to sleep.