I think I'm a little out of sorts at the moment.
I'm not full of grief, though I've had my moments, especially during the memorial service.
My thought processes seem to be going into places they haven't gone before.
And reacting to things differently.
It's a very strange feeling.
To have one of your parents gone.
There is some kind of strength to your life when they are alive, even though you
aren't living with them or even seeing them every day.
It's like, yeah, they're there.
I don't really know how to explain it.
It wasn't long ago, I heard someone talking about their deceased parents
and a casual conversation where I said, I am blessed, both of mine are still around.

But that's no longer true.
The grief I've experienced, though, isn't just about my dad's passing.
It is also about my brother's hatred for him.
And my mother's disdain for him, to the point of thinking he is evil.

This haunts my mind and my heart and my soul.
It is perplexing to me.
It is something that will bug me - at the very least - for the rest of my life.
And somehow, I have to cope with people full of hate an anger towards a
person that only loved them? Or only spoke how wonderful they were?
Or only showed compassion and reaching out to them, trying to amend things?

How do you say to yourself, father, I don't ever want to hear from you again.
Father, I don't want any part of your life.
Father, stay out of my life.
Father, you are evil, you are the epitome of everything that is
wrong in this world.
How do you take that to the point that you don't even go to
your own father's funeral?

There is a part of my that wants to hold this against them for the
rest of their lives.

There is another part of me that wants to understand why?

And yet another part that challenges my walk with the Lord.

I struggle with this. I have struggled with this for a very long time.

But now, it has become much more magnified.

Father is dead.  He has passed from the earthly living to the eternal life.

He is among the cloud of witnesses now.

Would dad judge them and say he holds this against him?

As certain as I am that the sun will come up tomorrow is the same
certainty that I have that he would still have compassion for them.
Even though they didn't go to his funeral.  Even though they couldn't
even find it within themselves to shadow the door of the church it occurred
in and stand from afar off if nothing else and watch the beauty of the
celebration of a life well lived.

But, I remember once his lamenting to his wonderful wife - and yes, she is 
a wonderful lady I have come to realize during this time of grief - his lamenting
about my 2 older brothers. I'm trying to think how long ago this was.  Maybe 10 
years?  They were discussing this and he said: "They probably won't even come to 
my own funeral".  She replied, well of course they will come.

And yet, they did not.  They weren't even interested in his passing.  They didn't care.
In fact, the day dad died, my oldest brother got onto the group texting and said his
 beloved doggy had died. That ;little dog had been around 17 years.  I offered him
condolences and he replied, "yeah, it sucks". A few hours later, I went back on there
and said, "There was another loss today.  Whether you are interested in hearing or not,
I thought I'd let you know that dad passed away today. I won't say anything more about
it".

My oldest brother replied: "I wish him well and hope he finds what he has been searching
for".  ???  That is something you say to someone who you've broken up a relationship, not
 something you say about someone who has passed. It was very strange.  And it was also the
last text that has taken place on that 4 way text since Friday, June 30th.

I suspect I won't hear anything else from him.  He is likely talking to mom on a private text now
instead of a 4 way group thing.  It's been somewhere around 6 months since I heard from my middle brother.

I'm ready to write my family off now.  This was the last straw.  I don't have to like them.  God
doesn't even say that in the Bible. It says a lot of things about loving people with the love of Christ,
but I don't have to like people that hate their own father.  I can pray for them.  I can love them in the love of Christ, but if I never see either of them again, I will not have suffered one iota.

If dad were a psychotic murderer.  Perhaps some sort of life long criminal.  I don't know what
causes you to hate your own dad.  I have read accounts where I thought, well yeah, that might cause
 a person to disown their father. But my dad?  And so it is, that they hate, as far as I'm concerned, the
God that he served with his whole life and therefore, rejected him as well.

My mother tried to say that my dad was evil a week ago.  I asked why the hate towards him from
my brothers, which she went into from her perception, but her perception was wrong from the get-go.
For if she believed the stuff that she said, it was misinformation from my brothers who fed it to her
as a lie.  I love my mom, don't get me wrong, but her vitriol during this time has been astonishing.

You don't tell a son that loves his father that his dad is evil unless you can substantiate that with some solid evidence.  And I can assure you, my dad was not an evil man.

I have to somehow come to terms with this. For I can shut my brothers out.  I have tried for so long to get them to do anything in even subtle ways to acknowledge him as their dad.

One of my cousins wrote me last week about dad's death.  He said he had sent "this" message to them but didn't have my email and was re sending to me what he had sent to them. It was a letter of sympathy and condolences to my brothers.  I guess he didn't realize how they feel about their dad, so I responded to him this (I do not have a relationship with this person. whatever his reaction be after writing this, I thought, will have no bearing on me): "Hi Stephen:

I'm not going to pull any punches here, for my brothers are assholes when it comes to my father. 

They wrote him off at least a decade and a half ago and refused to talk to him, either in email, texting, even in person. They have their grievances from youth and then took extreme offense over a family reunion where dad backed out of it and said it wasn't going to happen later on in life.

Chris said last week in a text, and I will quote him: " Just so we are clear, I did not go to Brocks graduation, I will not be going to California for Calebs wedding and I will not be going to visit or to a service for JDB".  JDB is J. David Barkley.  I have no qualms or hold backs now of telling whosoever that my brothers are total dicks and assholes. They haven't seen him in a very long time, they aren't going to his funeral and they can go fuck themselves.  They don't remember any good times, if they do they won't acknowledge it.  I am going to drive 1,200 miles one way for his funeral on Saturday, they can't be bothered by their own petty bullshit to drive 150 miles.  

I'm sorry to be the one to deliver this kind of message. And I don't really know you or anyone else on the other side of the clan, excepting John Robertson who is on FB and we have communicated here and there for a few years now.  I hold no ill will against you if you find this message offensive and don't want to communicate with me again, but I have had enough of Barkley bullshit. 

Sincerely, 

ben b"

I was pissed at the time, so yes my vulgar language and no, Stephen never responded to me.  

Instead, one of his brothers who is a friend on FB wrote me a message saying he and his family offer their condolences to me and the rest of the other side of the family. It was nice to hear from John like that, we aren't close at all, but we do banter a little here and there on FB.  They are all the offspring of my dad's sister, who also has Alzheimer's.  What a sickening disease.  

But I'm not as much in anger now as in awe of people that hold extreme resentment and unforgiveness in their lives to the point that it affects their view of people to the extent that they will even write off their own family.

And now, I write them off. But not in anger. I think the anger has subsided.  It's more of a, I don't know these people.  They may be blood, but they are no part of my life and I am no part of theirs.  They have chosen that stance towards me.  It won't just "go away" in my mind. It never will. I grew up with them, we lived together in the same house. We shared life experience together.  

But my dad's death has brought about a new perspective.  Several new perspectives, actually.  I don't need these people in my life.  They haven't been  a part of my life in decades. I have reached out to them eerily, just the same as my dad did, and they have received it as a fart in the air. Just nothing.  I may continue to write about this for some time, but as far as ever seeing them again? No thanks. If it occurs, it will likely not be a pleasant situation. I won't be going to Christmas or Thanksgiving with them, I won't be sending them any more gifts.  I won't be doing anything. They may remain in my heart as my brothers, but they aren't my family.  Not in the true sense of the word.

Yes, my dad's death has had a profound effect on my view of certain things, but nothing I ever anticipated.  I just don't see any use for them.  They are total strangers.  My connection with them is in childhood and it will ever remain that way. And now, I understand. It's my love for the Lord.  It's my outspoken relationship with Christ.  It's my devotion to God, that I believe, that I long for the day to be brought unto Him.  Their hatred is really directed at God. And that is a huge problem for them, not me.   My heart grieves for them though. Do they understand what they are doing? 

God bless them   - with salvation.  My mom, a bit different. You can't write off your own mom.  She changed her tune quite a lot towards me about this when I invited her to stay out of my life if my showing my love for my dad on my FB wall is a problem.    She has no affection for my father, obviously, but that isn't stopping me from showing the love I had for my father on FB.  I know she can't stand it, yet I don't do it to spite her, but to show my love for my dad, to have a memory put in place for him, to share to my limited world how I feel about him since that seems to be a large part of what occurs on FB anyway.  And really just to express grief, to process it and eventually get past it. Though I can't say that this is anything I have ever dealt with before.  Everything else was outside of family, this is Dad.  This is the man whose seed brought me into existence.  I am as much a part of him as I am my mom.  

So yes. These are very perplexing times for me.  I have to learn how to deal with this post-death now.  I have to learn how to go about my life without my brothers at all.  I suspect the letter I sent to my cousin got back to them, as that particular cousin has always been friends with my middle brother.  

You know what's cool though? The lady - my friend - who owns the house I am living in, wrote me a message yesterday. She said: "I love you Ben, you're in my thoughts today".  She's more of a family now than I have known from my own family in a very long time.  Well all of them really, but her especially.  She talks to me about stuff that I find amazing she would even share with a man, but it's not that kind of thing you might expect. It's about asking for advice and wisdom on how to deal with things.  

I am, as I stated earlier... exhausted.  I felt the need to type some of this out.  I need to figure out how to proceed with the rest of my life. And if that's without family, then that's without family.  I have "new" family.  I have people that love me more than my own family does. I really tried with my oldest brother, though.  I really did.  God bless him - with salvation and a healing of his broken heart. 

G'nite.

Over 5,000 miles of driving in a 13 year old car with over 170k miles on it, 2 trips and home successfully without a hitch besides a bad tire. And filling the thing up a dozen times  lol.  That car will still drive 90 mph down the Interstate without a gasp of hesitation.  It still runs as smooth as the day I first bought it at 28,000 miles. It has never had a tune up.  I've had to replace the battery 3 times, front brakes several times, rear brakes once.  I spent $500 on it almost 2 years ago now to get some front end work done on it.  Countless oil changes of course.  The aesthetics of the car have all but gone away, but the mechanical function of the thing is flawless.  I dunno how much longer that will last, but until the time it dies, I can't complain about the thing.  I can and I have, actually, lol, the front windows especially, the cable kept breaking and I kept having it fixed until a gave up on it.

I haven't even replaced the accessory belt on the engine.  And after checking it, it doesn't need replaced yet.  Don't fix what ain't broke.  I don't have the "extra money" for car payments right now and haven't had in a while.  I mean, I could if I had to but why?  Newer cars are wonderful to drive. Everything works on them. And you are stuck with endless, monthly payments and full coverage auto insurance that costs a small fortune every month.  I would LOVE to drive a 10 year newer vehicle, really would.  But right now, that isn't prudent. Especially now that I have the Jeep running, albeit the AC doesn't work yet.  If the car does break down, I have a back up.

I've heard of people getting 300k miles out of this particular brand of car.  I'm quite sure I don't want to drive it that long even if it does last that long, but still.  Would I make another trip somewhere with that car like the last two? Absolutely and thinking of one in particular going the other direction.  The thing needs the transmission fluid replaced again, I"ll likely have that done soon.  It's worth it to do the required maintenance if I expect to keep it much longer, and right now, unless something happens substantial to my income, I see nothing to change that scenario.

Anyway, I have an old friend that has been asking me for years to come visit him. He is tied down by his business, he doesn't get out much.  It's 800 miles each way. I have priced airline tickets there on numerous occasions and just couldn't come up with anything viable.  Not for a 3 or 4 day visit.  He's got a diesel repair shop near Indianapolis.  He's got contracts with many major trucking carriers because his work is that good. We worked together on the mission field in the mid 80's, we became very good friends, but I haven't seen him in decades now.  Just one trip I would like to make.

I had no time to really plan either of the last two trips in the last two weeks, otherwise I would have really dug into getting the hotel stuff down because the last place I stayed? Was a horrid place. The reviews were manipulated to make it appear as if it were some wonderful hotel at a great price. It was like to sleep in a landfill, the odor in the room was horrendous.  Hence, I posted the previous post I did. Eventually, that post will come up in searches for that particular hotel but I also left a nice nasty review on TripAdvisor.

Hotels have become so expensive.  This is another drawback to travelling. You want a place to sleep and take a shower? You're going to pay for it in many areas.  For example. the entire area between Dallas and Pecos is full of pricey hotels. It's oil pumping region, as evidence by huge numbers of businesses lined up along the Interstate that either sell products to the oil industry or service the oil industry in some way. It is also a major thoroughfare for highway travelers and the hoteliers take full advantage of it.

Last night, as I was driving, I kept doing searches for all the cities in front of me and as I did the search over for some of the same places, the prices kept going up and up.  The later it got, the higher the price became.  It obviously pays to be able to book well in advance and get better pricing, but I didn't have that privilege on either of these trips. They were both last minute types of deals, do whatever it takes to get there and get back.

Still, the traveling bug has been reborn within me.  Once you get on the road and get into that mode, it really isn't bad at all.  It's just getting started that seems to be my problem.  Once I'm well away from the region I live in, it's like, okay, this has now become an adventure.

The next trip isn't that far off, next month, to Palo Ranchos Verdes in California for my son's wedding. And trust me, even well in advance, the price of hotels there is unbelievable.  Just a ritzy area on the coast.  And also the home of the Salvation Army's officer training college.  But, I am "only" driving to Dallas for that one. Around 160 miles or so.  Flying over there and then ground transportation yet to be arranged for going back and forth from the airport to the hotel and also from the hotel to the facility. I am not going to drive that far, just no way.  Almost 1, 700 miles one way, not going there.  It will be the 3rd trip in a short span of time, none of these trips are vacations.  Although I am not saying it's going to be a drag to go to Caleb's wedding lol, it's not a vacation.  If it were, I would be flying over the ocean to some European destination, not to anywhere in the US.

That has been put off indefinitely.  I've spent all my money, had to put Caleb's wedding travel on a credit card and now starts the paying that back before the wedding even occurs.

Any trips overseas? Off limits for now.  But another driving trip? Well, if planned well enough in advance for hotels or whatever accommodations, I can do that.  Of course that is contingent on time off, which so far I have been using mostly personal time and floating holidays.

Well anyway. I'm pretty tired right now.  I didn't sleep well at this nightmare hotel last night, I think I got a total of 5 hours out of it.  It took a while to get the fog out of my head this morning as I got up and got out of there as fast as possible. Like, time to hit the road.  I told the front desk about the horrific odor in the room, which I'm sure they already knew about.  They didn't care.  Neither do I, anymore, excepting to make sure that I get the reviews out there where it counts.  I just can't remember the last time that I stayed at a place that bad with reviews that good.  Well, the reviews just added up to a "good" rating.  Booking.com won't be getting any business from me in the future unless I know the property I want to stay at and they have the best price.

What now?  Well, I'm home, it's getting late.  Lots on my mind.  My dad's death, his life, the people that he affected still flooding my mind. Another post coming soon about his Memorial Service which will have much more depth to it than anything I wrote about it on Facebook.  

Do NOT stay at the Executive Inn Odessa Texas

#executiveinnodessa @executiveinn
This review cannot be altered by Booking.com, therefore this is what this place is.

I had gone to a funeral, spent half the day there, then got out on the Interstate, heading east.  I ran into nothing but very high priced hotel for hundreds of miles, 600 to be exact.  I finally found this place, Executive Inn,  on Booking.com at a reasonable price and it had good reviews.

 I got there around 12:30 am on July 9th.  It was not a decent looking place to begin with, but I was committed via internet booking to this place, so I had no choice.  Otherwise, I wouldn't have even entered the property.

After I got checked in, got into room 215 - second floor on the back building, the first thing that assailed my sense was the horrific odor in this place.  It was unbelievable.  I mean, it was a stench that you just don't ignore.

The second thing that I noticed was the curtains didn't come together to either keep daylight out or peeping toms from looking in.  I ended up using my gun to hold the curtains down on the windowsill to overlap each other.

Third, was the noise. It was almost 1:00 am by this point and people were out in the parking lot, partying or doing whatever.  And then, a woman came right in front of my door and started talking LOUDLY to whoever down below.  I was so exhausted, I just wanted to go to sleep.  I was about to go out there and tell them all off, come what may, when the noise subsided.

However, the smell in there was almost nauseating.  It was the kind of stench that just sits in your nose and you can't do anything about it.  It took an hour before I finally dozed off, for about 4 hours before someone made a loud clanking noise next door and woke me up. And there was the stench, yet again.  Another hour later I fell back asleep.

The bathroom was gross.  Just disgusting. There were cigarette butts laying all over the sidewalk outside.  In front of the rooms on the concrete sidewalk on both floors as well.

This place is nasty as can be.  You are well-advised to steer FAR clear from this hell-hole.  Pay the extra money, stay at some of the better properties east of there down the road.

Oh and the bed!  Holes in the bedspread, presumably from cigarette burns.  But who knows? And these ugly green sheets.  And the feeling of being bitten - I assume bedbugs.

Finally, on Booking.com, while looking at this property on my Iphone, there were numerous entries that were posted by "anonymous".  These posts are what drove the rating level of this "hotel" from hell up.  I assume this is the hotel owner or employees propping this pathetic, disgusting place up.
Again, please do yourself a favor, do whatever you have to, but do not stay at this place!

As my mind and heart come around to the reality of what is going on here, I come to understand that my dad is not gone, but very much alive and very much well in the place he is now at.  I must understand that his new life is greatly enhanced and renewed because of that.  He is no longer suffering. His mind no longer deceives him.  He no longer goes through the circular thoughts of what he just said, asking a question twice and three times and then, after giving him a short reply, he remembers and then, he apologizes for his dementia.

Exactly what happened.  Yea dad, but I understand, it's okay.  It was strange but not totally disheartening to hear him asking if I was the person that lived across the street from them? Or hearing him saying I am a wonderful person in a way that doesn't acknowledge that he knows my relation to him. I went through story after story about our past together before he finally connected the dots.  It was difficult to see him laying in a hospital bed, in diapers, smelling badly.  The entire house smelled.  It took some time for my sense of smell to adjust to that.

And because I have a problem with smell now - after using some nasal spray stuff several years ago and it messing things up - I have smells that stick in my nose long after I have left the place that had that smell. I was 700 miles into the trip back home and still had that smell in my nose.  But, it got me to thinking about our humanity.  The fact that we often times come into this life as babies having to be nurtured and going out of this life in the same condition.

But, do we focus on the end? No!  We focus on the life that was lived! Especially a life that was well lived! A life that honored the Lord and gave Him glory! That was a testimony to His lovingkindess, His grace and His patience towards us.  For the Lord is God! He is worthy to be praised!

___________________

Well, it's Monday evening. Did not go to work today and tomorrow is July 4th, so no work regardless tomorrow.  I have committed to coming into work for Wednesday and Thursday, but I must leave out on the road trip after work on Thursday to be in Sierra Vista by Friday evening at the latest.  I drove the car about 75 miles today, something I needed to do but just checking.  It's running fine.  I will simply head out Thursday and hope and pray the vehicle makes it through yet another extended trip.

The next pain is finding airfare and hotel in California.  I have been searching for awhile today on a large number of different sites.  I've come up with what i think will be the best deal, but I am waiting for mother to pull the trigger on her round trip airfare/hotel and see if I can at least stay in the same hotel as her.  But, I give it until tomorrow for her to do it. Wait too long and prices start to skyrocket.  Hopefully I don't get on the sites tomorrow and find they have risen $100 or more dollars.

Now, I am going to go through some old emails from dad and see if I can find some gems that I can share with people at the Memorial Service.  I don't know if there will be an open mic or not, but still, I can read a few snippets off the tablet if nothing else.

_________________

Finally got the Jeep back today, took it on an almost 70 mile run.  Ran fine, albeit no AC.  So, I guess the thing is finally working.  I'm not interested in driving a hot vehicle around and right now? I have just spent a truckload of money on airfare and hotel stay in California, plus a down payment on the Jeep plus I have a trip to make this week.  I was going to do the AC on the Jeep myself, but the technology has changed since I last did it and there are tools that I don't have that would cost a small fortune to buy that would, in effect, make it more cost effective to have a shop do it.  They will have a warranty on the work.

The vehicle isn't likely to get driven much until summer is over.  I am going to finally finish the Polaris, though, just needs a bit more on the alignment and put some plastic pieces back on it and hopefully take it for a ride somewhere, sometime in the near future.  Replacing the AC system will be dependent on finances available, I think I was quoted almost $600 to replace the compressor.  It isn't just the compressor you are replacing, you have to replace the evaporator, usually have to replace lines, flush out the system, vacuum the system, check the system for leaks via the vacuum and then finally pump the freon back into it.

It's the 4th of July, the day is almost over. Going back to work for 2 days then leaving after work on Thursday for the trip back to Sierra Vista.  Caleb was asking for a ride down there, I told him he would have to be picked up the day before. I think he didn't like that idea but I'm not going to have to be leaving on Saturday morning to try to be there in time at 10:00. I would rather wake up in the hotel, have time for coffee, a shower, shave, think about things and then make my way the short drive over to the church.

I got a job offer, but it's so many hours and it's starting at the very bottom of the totem pole.  It would take years to get anything close to where I am at with benefits right now.  But I guess that would be expected anywhere.  It also requires Saturday work unless you work marathon days to get your minimum allotted work done before the weekend.  Like 14 hour days they were telling me.  I'm good up to about 12 hours, after that, I start to fade.  Not sold on that one.  The pay is excellent though.  Like so much more than I'm making now that it almost offsets all the cons. I say almost because I'm simply not convinced that that many hours, at my age, is a good fit for me. I'm going broke currently though.

I can't afford anything now.  The hour cutbacks are just too much.  They don't care that our annual pay is down significantly.  My savings account is almost wiped out and I haven't been doing much of anything.  My plans to buy another ATV are gutted.  I can't get the AC fixed on the jeep.  I'm uncomfortable with a paycheck to paycheck living situation I will be at in short order.  I did have a nice cushion of at least 3 grand for quite a while there, years actually. Sometimes it would dip down into the 2 grand situation but not often.  I am dumping a lot of money into 401k and have been for quite a while, not really something I want to cut back on, but I did reduce the contribution percentage recently.  I still have a good chunk of change going in there though.

I'm not sure what to do now.  I think a job offer with a bit less hours is what I need.  And guarantted weekends off or minimal weekends having to work.  I have no get rich schemes available and I have few options.

Well, whatever the case, enough for one entry, this one was days in the making.

Honestly not looking forward to another 2,600 mile road trip.  Just too soon to be doing another one. But I've checked Greyhound and I've checked all the shuttle services I could find. Greyhound stops at Benton, but Sierra Vista is another 40 or so miles south of there.  Then I would have to take a shuttle from Benson to Sierra Vista.  If my dad hadn't lived so far south at what is basically a dead end before you get to Mexico.  It's a military town, that's what the "attraction" there is. Lots of retired military there too.

Anyway, I'm still both saddened and angered by my brother's lack of response to this.  Totally expected, still totally unacceptable.  I let them know in the group texting thing we have going that dad died yesterday.  No response from anyone.  My mom told me in a private text to " leave it alone".  I love my mom, but she is NOT going to tell me to be silenced. I'm not a 5 year old and I let her know in no uncertain terms that if my voicing my opinion about my dad was going to be a problem for her, I will "not bother you anymore about anything".

I'm sick  of my family's attitude towards my dad. My mom is divorced from him over 3 decades, but that doesn't give her right and license to just drone on about how evil she thinks he is, even in his death.  That is some sick s*** right there.  Shut the hell up and keep it to yourself if you can't say anything nice about a dead man. He spent his life helping people, if you can't at least acknowledge something good about him, I don't want to hear anything at all from you about it.   

I grew up with my dad, I know how he is.  I remember going on countless bird watching hikes with him.  Going on nature hikes, we would go camping in the woods and he would point out stuff and give a short description of what it is and what it's importance was.  My dad was a loving soul, I don't give a serious damn about my family's lack of love for him in trying to shut me up about it and I am sick of their vilification of him.  I made ONE text, very brief and said I wouldn't say anymore about it and my mom gives me hell for that? NO.  I left it up to her if she wanted to have any further interest in my life, for I am not going to continue to tolerate this bullshit from any of them. I will close myself off to all 3 of them forever.

My cousin has given me FAR more support from the other side of the world than anyone around here in my family lines has.  It's amazing - amazingly pathetic.  

My family sucks.  That's all there is to it. I don't care if I ever see my brothers again.  I'm getting close to that with my mother.  She wants me to fly to Phoenix to drive her to the wedding in August. The HELL with that. I'm not going to spend 6 hours listening to someone whine about bs in our family that is non-existent. I understand she has her feelings about him from a divorced view of it, but I am his SON.  She can't even see that he was my dad and that I loved him?   

To be honest, I am FAR more grieved about my brothers lack of any interest, whatsoever, in my dad than I am of my dad's passing.  Their hatred for him. Their unceasing anger towards him.  He went to Heaven, he is with the Lord, I am content with that.  I will miss knowing that he is alive and having our conversations, but we will have that once again sometime in the future.  For the Lord is our God, our Father and we have an everlasting covenant with Him through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Thank you Jesus!

So yes, I'll drive out there once again.  I simply can't afford the high cost of flying to Tucson and the shuttle fee on top of that  I will leave out of here directly after work on Thursday, try to get at least 400 miles in before stopping somewhere and then finish it off on Friday.  I have already made hotel reservations at the same place I stayed at on Saturday.

______________________


Sunday morning. Woke up with hives and rashes on various parts of my body. I am not sick so I think I know what the problem is.  Mites.  Dogs have them. I treated Addler yesterday and will be treating the Shepherd today. No I haven't been letting them in my bed but they sleep in my room and this is the only thing I can think of that is causing this. The rashes are where my body makes the most contact with the bed so it only makes sense to me that mites are the problem. Currently washing everything in hot water, will be going to the store to buy some poison to spray in the room and hopefully rid the room of the mites.

That is creating a rather busy day for me in what otherwise was going to just be laid back and resting.  It just became obvious yesterday that Addler has mange, hair starting to fall out near his tail and scratching and itching all over. This isn't a food allergy, this is definitely them little critters eating him alive.  After I bathed him yesterday, I sprayed the mite stuff on him and the itching all but completely ceased.  He is now only itching in areas that I didn't spray - I didn't see anything there so I didn't spray it. Will be dealing with that a little later on as well.

Dad Is In Heaven

The day finally came.

While on lunch break, I got a FB message from one of my dad's wife's son's wives.  

We have kept in touch for a while since my dad's health started going seriously bad.

The message said: "I just tried to call you". 

I knew what had happened.  I felt it.  I knew my dad had passed.

But, messaging that kinds of news to family members is lame, I must agree, she didn't say what was going on, just asked for my number.

She immediately called and let me know what was going on.  

My dad's wife had tried to call as well, but she had an old number that I haven't had in years.

So there it is.  I was on lunch break at work, and though I expected some grief, it hit me hard.  I came back to work, sitting in the parking lot thinking about how I am going to go in there to tell them I need to go home without breaking down in front of everyone.  Not really something I want to do.  But, fortunately, the manager was outside talking on the phone.  I waited for him to get off and told him what was going on.  He immediately offered his condolences, which was nice considering.  Told me to just stay on the clock and he would punch me out at 5, which was also pretty amazing considering his stance on such things.  Then told me to call on Monday - we are open on Monday, that's just the way our company works even though there will be very little to nothing going on since 4th of July is on Tuesday.  I fully expect to call him and tell him I will be in on Wednesday.  

Millie - my dad's wife- already set the memorial service for Saturday the 8th at 10am.  I know for certain no one else from my side of the family will be there.  

____________

This has been a troubling day.  But, I am glad to have so much support from so many people.

I'm looking at a 2,400 road trip.  I can't afford the pricing of flying to Phoenix and then $300 round trip ground transportation from Phoenix to Sierra Vista.  Or to Tucson - flying into there is much more expensive.  

 

I can only drive there to be a part of it.  Should I spend 3 days worth of driving back and forth to attend my dad's Memorial Service? That is a rhetorical question.  I should get there however it take me to get there.  I will tentatively leave on Thursday after work, arrive on Friday evening.  Hopefully get some kind of sleep at the hotel I already stayed in down there and have booked for that date and then, head straight back. 

Yeah, the head straight back junk may change. I wouldn't mind simply spending another night at that hotel and do nothing more than sit around contemplate things.  I just don't know about driving straight back.  I paid for that on Wednesday coming back the evening before and going straight back to work.  I'm not in my 20's or 30's anymore. 

I'm worn out.  I've been tearing up much of the day.  Thoughts of the past with dad.  Thoughts of how my brothers hate him.  I sent them a text - the same group text we all chat in- I got nothing back. They won't even acknowledge my dad in his death.

That is both saddening and very angering to me.  

Well I put up a post yesterday concerning the second part of the trip but it ended up in another blogger account I have - and haven't used in years.  In fact, it was quite ironic that of the only 4 posts in that account, the one that came up was a trip to Dad's in Sierra Vista some years ago.  Just a bit eerie.
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Anyway, I stopped last night at around 11:30 pm in Amarillo, Texas.  I found another great deal on Expedia for this HUGE hotel property. My $109 room was $36 plus tax.  The room was huge.  I was amazed at what I got for the money paid.  However, the hotel I ended up in Sierra Vista, though not as big, I liked much better.  Still, I got a decent night's sleep, got up around 8:30 am, ate their free breakfast - standard nothing breakfast but since it was free I figured better than shelling out even more money.

Got out on the road and burned up the rest of the fuel in the car, filled it up again somewhere well outside of Ft Worth, and kept right on driving.  I hate, hate, hate driving through Dallas. the freeways are all torn up for construction and they've been torn up for years now.  I held in the need to go to th bathroom, got through there and held it in for another 150 miles lol.

Almost 2,600 miles covered. That old car had no more problem than a bad tire, which I would have had to replace regardless of the trip or not.  I'm going to check my account for how much money I spent on fuel. Actually, I put some of it on a Chevron card as well.  4 hotel stays, all last minute deals that all turned out to be either good or very good.  Visiting dad, Caleb and my mom.  had a lot of thinking time.  Saw some places I haven't seen in decades, especially on the trip back since I went up to I40 from mom's property. Driving through New Mexico is some interesting stuff.

I can't remember that last time I took a road trip that far.  And it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I was really worried about that old car. It runs like a champ, but still.  Who knows what might happen on that much driving constantly 5 days in a row.

It was an exceptional trip in that I found out that for as much as I dislike driving for work anymore, I could enjoy myself driving on pleasure. Well this wasn't exactly pleasure considering my dad's condition.  I expect a phone call soon enough that he has passed away.  But for as much driving as it was, it was definitely worth the drive to see him, visit with him, prod his memory so he could remember who I was.  Cause' at first, he had no clue.  I had to tell story after story of mainly stuff we did together as a young boy and he finally connected the dots.

His wife was gracious enough, more than I expected, though it was obvious elongated visits were not welcomed.  But I had driven all that way, I ignored the clues and just sat there, looking at day, conversed with him and she finally sat down and joined in, which really helped a lot because my dad really isn't comfortable around anyone without her around.  Played some Gospel music and sang to it.  Reminisced of days gone by. Talked politics. Talked about the Lord.  I was intent on getting whatever conversation I could out of my dad for the time I was there, because I am quite certain that trip will be the last time I see him alive on this earth.  Now I don't have to regret not seeing him.  I don't have to wonder what it would have been like to see him in his final days of life.  I don't have to stress about things not done.  I am at peace now.  My dad will pass, he will go to be with the Lord, my life will go on however much longer it will and I will go to the same place and be with him again someday.

But you see, I have a friend that is about 700 miles from here that I was scoffing at airfare pricing, but also scoffing at the idea of driving over there.  Not anymore.  Driving, especially nowadays with fuel at the price that it is, is not that bad You just need the time to do it.  But, I can't take any time off until they get another driver.  However, that will be overlooked if/when dad passes.

My mom.  You know, I probably would have stayed longer up there, but it's quite hot up in those mountains right now and as always, she doesn't care anything about using AC.  She just doesn't. She complained that it costs her a hundred bucks a month to run the AC in the afternoon.  We were sitting outside and it was quite warm.  I did that for almost 3 hours and that was it, that was all I could take.  I have always attributed to her love of the dry heat to it's effect on her fibromyalgia, somehow make the pain subside or lessons it.

And I forgot the irritation of the next door neighbor's 15 year old son, speeding up and down the street, always in someone's truck - a different truck it seems all the time - burning out tires, it gets old.  The peace I was just experiencing here dismantled by this bs.

Well anyway, I just got home a while ago and trying to settle back into to "real life".  Meaning in a little over 12 hours from now, I have to be at work. It is an ending to a trip that isn't quite so wonderful. I always schedule trips to have a buffer day - a complete day back home - to get my mind back into the daily grind. Time to anticipate what's coming, which isn't really all that wonderful.

I understand now the need to get out of here more often though, on top of everything else. It is a very nice readjustment.  Working is not what life is about.  It is an end to a means.  If it doesn't do that, then it is worthless.  I am considering that my place of employment, without the OT, is worthless.  The last 2 or 3 weeks the hours mysteriously came back.  No rhyme, no reason. I get suspended on this bridge in between my current place of employment and finding a new job.

Anyways, I don't want to go into that right now.  I drove 700 miles yesterday and I enjoyed that.  The car is old, some things don't work (and not worth fixing) but it's comfortable.  I have long resisted the temptation to get into a newer vehicle with payments and I"m glad I did.

What's next?  Caleb's wedding.  Perhaps a funeral. That kinda takes up any fund and time off that I can do right now.  In fact, I intend on approaching the manager tomorrow and telling him that whether he has a new driver or not by August,  I am taking time off to go to my son's wedding in CA. It isn't his fault though. He has had 3 drivers go through our company's background check - and all 3 failed.  Our company doesn't hire people with felonies or other wild stuff in their background, at least not if it is recent.  All nice and fine, but he needs to get someone in there or simply deal with that fact that there is only going to be one driver when I or the other driver-  who has been wanting to take time off as well - needs to take time off, we are going to do so.

In all of this, as I already said but feel the need to reaffirm: I am at peace now.  That is what I needed on this trip. It doesn't matter how much traveling or time it took or that in 5 days I only spent 5 hours over 2 days with my dad, it mattered that I connected with my family in a meaningful way that brought us together.  I wish I could say that I had that relationship with my brothers, but considering my oldest brother just told my son he isn't coming to his wedding - though I don't really hold that against him - and won't go visit his father in his death throes and won't be going to his funeral. My middle brother has disappeared off the "family" text so I haven't heard from him in months.  I'm not sure I would miss not ever hearing from him again.

Well that's it I guess.  I need to make more trips like this one.

Dad

SO the trip to visit my dad. Space but the elongated Drive no doubt about that. However I tend to drive rather fast so the 15 hours was probably more like 12 and a half. But I started Friday night and drove 400 miles and then stopped in a small town out in the middle of nowhere. I tried to stop at a Motel 6 about 50 miles before that but they wanted $70 to stay at a Motel 6. Who pays $70 to stay at a Motel 6? I've never even heard of that. That's. I was exhausted but there's no way that I'm going to pay that much money to stay at a motel like that.

Anyway, the next day I drove the rest of the eight hundred miles or 700 or whatever it was to get there and with no small amount of trepidation went up and knocked on the door. Millie of course answer to though they do have in home Hospice Care it wasn't there at the moment. She assured me right into my dad's bedroom where they had a hospital bed set up and an oxygen machine and all kinds of stuff like that in there. My dad didn't even know who I was, was he was on some pain medication and he wasn't whites in his right mind which is saying even worse than the Alzheimers effects.

Got a chance to talk to Emily as well and she gave me some writings that my dad had saved from our side of the family that she didn't really even know who it was or anything like that. Eventually after about two two and a half hours I left period I was thinking well that wasn't as bad as it could be but it wasn't all that wonderful either since my dad just didn't seem to be all there. I got on my phone and found a hotel for $32 a night and said well that'll have to do. I got there and was absolutely shocked at how very nice the accommodations were in that price. It's summertime over here it's hot and people apparently our visiting, LOL. I liked it so much that I stayed from about 8:30 until 9 this morning Finally checked out and went back to visit my dad for a last time, likely the last time I'll ever see him alive again on this Earth. Today's visit was much better than yesterday, he was much more coherent and he wasn't on the pain medication he remembered who I was all though he had to keep asking the same questions over and over, he also realized that his memory was bad.

Penny one more to ask me if driving that far to see my dad for five hours was worth it I would give them a definitive yes. He was talking quite a bit though you had to ask him a few times to understand what he was saying and sometimes you just said oh yeah that's right when you really didn't understand what was coming out of his mouth. His old humor was intact though. His wife kept hiding him from using the word hell because he is was a minister and people that used to be under his care in the church we're looking at him I guess when they come over and visit like wow. Anyway the caretaker finally showed up and it was obviously time for me to leave as Millie was saying she would have to deal with not only the caretaker but the caretaker to come in take all his clothes off and clean him from head to toe. So I spent about another 5 minutes spitting my goodbye wishes and telling my dad how much I love him, and left.

Forgot to tell the story that he had wanted to get out of bed so badly to go play the piano! Millie finally said will you help him get into his rolling chair and push him over to the piano so that he can get it out of him? He doesn't understand that he can't really do that anymore. So we went through the process of getting him out of bed and into the chair and rolling him over there where the effects of Alzheimer's had obvious results. He kept saying strange things about his fingers in his eyes and how they weren't working properly. But he did try to play for a while! The thing that's sad about that is it was only three weeks ago that he was sitting at the piano playing very well actually.

Now on I-10 Westbound headed towards Phoenix. My son is very busy with the Salvation Army but said I could come visit him at his office where they hand out water on hot days like this. I have his pre-wedding gift for him to help him with expenses for the wedding. Since I got out of Dad's house a little bit sooner than I thought I was going to, I may hit up to Payson after visiting was Caleb, find a hotel to stay at there, and then go visit my mom up at her property tomorrow morning. Morning. I'm not sure about that one yet though.

This is like the worst time of year to be visiting Phoenix. I am not going to stay long. I have zero relationship with my brothers and I really don't want to go see the house, they keep it in maculate and spotless and I just have no desire to go back there. My brother's I didn't even have a relationship with anymore. My oldest brother called my son and told him he wasn't coming for his wedding wouldn't be visiting his dad for a visitation or a funeral and basically LOL tough luck. In my estimation he is a miserable excuse for a human. My other brother I haven't heard from in four months or so now and I don't care to hear from him. I do have some friends though in Phoenix area but I figure to see family and then head home. Perhaps I can make a trip to some other time then come down here and visit everyone. My mind really isn't into visiting people and having fun and all that, not after the visitation with my father. Anyway I have been doing this on a Google tab and it seems to work pretty good for voice dictation.

The days are wearing thin on me.
My dad is - for all intents and purposes, dying.  Part of his heart doesn't work, the blood he lost from that drug the doctor prescribed him late last year which obviously didn't work as intended caused him to basically go on a downward death thrall.  My son's wedding in August.  My oldest brother sending a text today saying he wasn't going to Caleb's wedding and he is not going to either see his dad for a visit or go to "services" he called, it obviously referring to a funeral.

Getting to Sierra Vista from here is not an easy task.  I simply don't have the money to fly straight there.  Well I might have the money, but August is around the corner, meaning flying out to California and hotel stay.  And eating. And transportation. Etc Etc Etc.

The Jeep has been fixed. They finally figured out it was a valve that was basically riding in there without being mounted.  Yup, the retainers had come out, causing the thing to basically float in there.  I still don't understand why they didn't catch this in the first place. I specifically asked them about doing a compression check, of which they said passed their test. Well how the hell does it pass a compression test with a valve not seating properly?  Stuck with another $800 bill, and that was at a discounted rate.

Addler has some sort of skin issue going on.  I dunno what it is. I thought maybe mites but the stuff I bought to deal with it didn't stop him licking and scratching. It isn't fleas, so I have no clue.  Which means a vet visit.

Hours down for 4 weeks in a row until last paycheck.  This next paycheck will be well up, but the loss of the hours before that has already hit my finances and now my savings are dwindling, my checking account is at it's lowest in years and yet I am facing all of these expenses?  Am I not supposed to go see my dad? Am I supposed to skip on my son's wedding? Should I leave the dog to live in misery? I've brought my credit up in recent times but I still can't get a personal loan. The house payments being behind for so long are still hitting my credit score, it probably will for some time to come.

The only thing I have left is credit cards.  If I rack up the cards too high, the score will drop significantly until I bring the balances back down. Yet at this point, I don't see anything else in the cards.  I absolutely hate when I get hit with all kinds of stuff coming at me at once. I have money saved up for Caleb's wedding gift, I could have lowered that I guess but he called the other day. Dad, can you help out with wedding expenses?

I"m not particularly enjoying life right now with all of this coming at me.  Oh, and Caleb isn't doing tuxedos, he's doing some sort of Philippino dress called a Barong. I"ve seen them on Ebay for less than $50 bucks, so I will probably just buy one of those and whatever pants that go with it and sandals, for they aren't even going to be wearing shoes, lol, they are doing it barefoot in some sort of traditional Philippino marriage ritual.  I figure to dress in the same garb all of them are in for the fun of it.

Anyway, there is too much going on here. I can deal with it, but I don't want to.  Some of it is very depressing.  Some of it makes me angry.  My brother and his shit text today would be the cause of that.  I expect no less from either of my brothers, but when I read it on a text and see the brazenness of it, it just pisses me off. At least have the decency to word it in a polite manner, instead of coming off as some stupid redneck hillbilly bs shit talk.

One thing that is really getting at me is this: I really wanted to fly overseas this year.  Sometime this year.  That was a goal I had.  It was doable, too, until all of this came up.  In fact, I had planned on doing that in the next 2 months.  A week of flying over the ocean, visiting somewhere in Europe and then flying back.

Too much.  I'll post again soon.

Well we're moving on.
The wedding is a go for my son in California - though I had the location wrong, it's not near Oakland it's close to LA, south of it, near the beach. Looks like a beautiful facility, the college that he itnends to go to if he is accepted in.  His fiancee' is already in that college and has been there for almost a year now.  The only hold up now is a rule they have against having newly inducted students also getting married at the same time.  But, the caveat here is that she is already in the program.  I don't know how that is going to turn out. Caleb has a lot of friends in high places in that organization, we'll just have to see.  I think he finds out next month.

Meanwhile, I need to book a flight to LAX and subsequent transportation to the facility and also hotel stay. Caleb says they have their own version of a hotel on the property, but I don't have any of that information.  This endeavor is going to cost me. August is coming quickly.  I have to get a suit and tie, not going to go to my son's wedding in casual attire.  I'm no part of the ceremony but I want to respect the tradition and honor of the event in proper attire.  I haven't had a suit since my house burned down in 2008 and everything burned up with it.  In fact, I mostly just have casual attire.

I really don't want to have to drive clear to Dallas to fly out, but the savings in airfare may well be worth it.  Flying out of Tyler adds at least $100 to the price plus it's an airline that charges you for any checked in luggage.  The problem with driving to Dallas is finding a place to park for free. I know of such a place though it is hardly "safe". It's a giant hotel and you can part there however long and they don't care.  My  car is old, I doubt it would be a target.  Otherwise, parking fees are so high, a person has to consider either flying out of a small airport to the large airport (the parking fee at the small one is very cheap even for overnight).  Or, considering taking a Greyhound to dallas (pretty reasonable rate though I hate travelling on those buses, they are rolling nightmares).  

Meanwhile, I am attempting to figure out how to go see my dad without busting the bank.  Two trips I really need to take in a short period of time from each other.  This is money I really don't have right now.  I spent far more on that Jeep - which is still sitting in the shop - than I initially expected. I figured a grand, I've given them 2 grand. Now, it's a "project" and a challenge to them.  Which is a good thing because I was both unwilling to give them more money but also to let them off the hook.  How many other systems could it possibly be?  It's either an internal engine problem, or from my guessing, a fuel delivery problem.

Anyway, that extra grand - for nothing so far - was really money I could use now for all of this.  Plus, work has yet once again cut our hours back to 8, which I cannot afford to live off of.  Well, I can, but it leaves no extra money for anything else.  I already have 2 401k loans - they have been paid down substantially now but still over 2 grand a piece.  So, paying one off to get some much needed finances isn't in the cards. The plan requires that if you pay one off, you have to wait 30 days to get another one.  That's not going to work.

Credit?  Dunno. Is it worth it to go into more debt for this? Something I have been thinking about.  I have ample amount of credit available on one of my cards. But paying it off is another thing entirely.

It's a dilemma.  I'm going to my son's wedding regardless of how I have to pay to get there and stay there.

I have put out a couple of applications at places I would like to work.  They are both interested even though I have no specific experience in that kind of hauling.  I'm a fast learner, I have the necessary endorsements on my license.  I would have to simply make a request upon hire that I can take time off, even if unpaid time, to go to my son's wedding.  I'm not getting my hopes up though until they do their back ground checks  - a lot of them - and come back and tell me if they have a place for me. They are both large companies with pretty decent benefits - though obviously to gain any kind of vacation time you have to have been there for a while.

So that's where I'm at currently. Facing a few things that I just need to figure out how to handle.

Sunday.
Tomorrow, I think, the big wigs are coming into town.  It will also pretty much decide my fate with that company.
But, I am applying for local tanker gigs already.
Even if they don't fire me or do whatever, I'm moving forward with the idea that the manager isn't going to change, nothing at work is going to change and that it's an untenable situation.  The only caveat I would love to get here is a week off, anyway.

Get some time off to recompose, think time, apply for jobs time, etc.

I'll keep my composure regardless of what comes at me, that's all I can say.  It's a good ole' boys club, there isn't anything I can do about that. If you haven't been there 20 plus years, you are basically nothing.  I seriously am treated - as are others there - like a machine.  Input data, tell  it what to do, push the start button and off the machine goes. I wouldn't actually mind that if the pay were good enough to compensate.
____________________________

Monday, post-work.  Didn't sleep worth crap last night.  Maybe 3 or 4 hours of sleep and that was it, which caused me to have a headache all day long at work.  I felt like going home all day, but the manager isn't speaking to me and I wasn't going to bridge the gap. Screw it. The big wigs were no shows until 4:30 pm, and only one of them showed up.  The district manager had a good friend die and the wake was today, etc.

So, showing up that late in the day and having no desire to get into that kind of conversation with that kind of headache going, I just worked until the clock expired, clocked out and got the bleep out of there.  Raining all day long to boot, was wet most of thee day even though I had a rain coat on, I didn't have any rain slicks for pants and my boots aren't waterproof.  Nothing like working with wet feet in wet socks.

Basically, a miserable day and very happy to be home.  Hot meal was waiting for me and I was thankful for that as well.  I'm guessing the GM will be there tomorrow since he showed up so late today and this situation will be dealt with - one way or the other.

Even if they don't give me the boot out of there, I'm not sure I can deal with this bs for another 3 months.  That's my son's wedding in August and if I find a new job before then, they will have to agree to let me have at least 4 or 5 days off, even if unpaid leave.

Well that's it.  I'm toast.  I was going to have some report on my job status at that place or the outcome of the meeting, but, not today.  Thank God not today.  I was/am in no mood to listen to that manager spouting off.

I would like to say that things are going better at work. They are not.  Not that I made any claims that it was going to. But today?

Lol.

The manager believes that I should be responsible for someone else's pulling errors, of which I have balked it from the first day he tried to introduce it.  How am I responsible for someone else's mistakes?  Because you put it on the truck, you should have checked.  I should have checked something that had at least 2 people check the order and verify that it was there and then told me that it was good to go?  LMAO!

Today. Lol. I have to laugh, because I could get very angry at this point. This manager, who always singles me out for someone else's bullshit - seriously that is the way it goes - started to do the same thing today.  3 fire hydrants were missing, I know because I was pulling the order and looking for them this morning.  Good Lord, to go through all of what occurred today would take a lot of writing.  Going to try to narrow it down.  Skipping a lot of stuff, because I don't have a lot of time, it came down to the manager sending people out all over the place looking for these hydrants at job sites.  Everywhere.  I mean, 3 different people.  Anyway, it came up to a jobsite where I had delivered the material.

But, the paperwork showed that I did not pull the order.  Of course not, I'm not going to make those kinds of mistakes.  I may make a small mistake very infrequently, but not 3 fire hydrants. That's 2 grand a piece error.  Anyway, I got out my phone and started recording He looked at me and asked me what I was doing with my phone? And demanded to look at it.  Whether it's right or wrong, what the hell  business does this guy have asking me to look at my phone. But, I thought hey, this guy is going to know and there won't be any statements of how he didn't know and in those thoughts, I knew this would go to hell.  So I showed him. Well what is that?  I'm recording this meeting.  Why?  Because you are going to get angry, obviously, and I'm going to get it recorded.

Of course, he blew up. Shut the meeting down, told me we were going to his office. Sure, why not? We get outside, he gets on the phone and calls the GM. He is having a literal cow about this. He takes a snipe at me, I started to reply, though not in kind. NO, we are doing this in MY office. Oh really? I replied. YOU started this out HERE.  The GM is on the phone with him, hearing whatever he could.  I would love to go into the details, but I don't have time.  The most important one, though, was when the manager was telling the GM that I had made a pulling error on a ticket.  No, I loudly interrupted, I did NOT.  He said yes you did, and I said no, I'm not just going to stand here listening to you telling lies to the GM.  Yes, I know what the implications of calling your manager a liar is, that doesn't matter to me anymore.

He put the phone down and became infuriated. YOU don't call ME a liar, I can put up with a lot of stuff, but I will not tolerate you calling me a liar. Well, I replied, if you are going to state something that isn't true that you know isn't true, then yes, I'm going to call it a lie.  He went storming off.  I was amused at his childishness.

_______________________________________________

So now it's the next day.  Didn't get to finish that. But today was exactly as I expected it to be.  And I don't care anymore.  So there is that.  I was put out of all trucks and worked the yard all day long.  I had a smile on my face and a tune on my lips whistling.  It was a beautiful day.  I pulled out a large amount of pipe that took 2/3rds of the day to do for an order going to somewhere near Little Rock tomorrow.  Of course, all that work and I don't get to take the load, but guess what? I don't care.

Instead, I get into the truck that that driver normally drives - which I have been wanting in for quite a while anyway.  I haven't bothered to tell anyone that, most certainly not the manager.  I drive the big truck, fine. That little truck gets runs all over the place.  He's working all day long, gets more hours because of it and this is the driver that got fired for having TCP in his system.  So it's whatever.  The manager didn't want anything to do with me today, he is butt hurt that I called him a liar. Well, don't lie to your boss and I won't call you one.  Tried to lecture me yesterday on respect. Respect given is respect earned, you have anger problems.

He would have fired me long ago if he had that power.  But he doesn't.  That's the GM's purview.  So, these big wigs are coming up Monday I think they said, not for this situation but now they are going to include it.  I'm going to play it totally cool.  Low tones, no excited responses to outrageous statements from my manager.  I'm going to make myself look like the cool customer and this dude the buffoon that he is.  I may very well get let go, though.  This "manager" has been here for 30 years.  He has a bad reptuation, but apparently alot of hat has been hidden. The GM knew nothing about his history, of which I informed him since he asked.  Like bending one of the salesman over backwards on his truck and threatening to beat the s*** out of him.

Hmm, re-reading what I wrote yesterday, I left out the fact that I spoke with the GM on the phone for about an hour.  I can read the writing on the wall.  I have no problem standing up for myself, regardless of whether anyone else in that place is too afraid to lose their jobs. Is a job that valuable to lose your inner peace over? Or to allow a mortal to inflict such abuse through foul verbiage that you should just sit there and take it? Is there not more to life?  We went back and forth on the phone. Bypassing a whole lot of conversation, Well, if one of us has to go, he's been here 30 years and you aren't going to fire a manager.  He actually gave me a compliment.  You're a great worker, you add a lot to the company I wouldn't want to lose you either.  But I dunno if he just felt obliged to say that or what.

Anyway, today was a long day working out there but, it was worth it to show that I would just keep a good spirit about me, deal with multiple customers, pull orders, sweep concrete, all kinds of stuff.

And, my next paycheck is going to suck badly since it's going to be short many OT hours.  All because of this man's anger, leading to vindictiveness, leading to retaliation. But if you say that to the GM, no way is he doing that.  Lolol.  Okay then.

I'm preparing myself for them telling me to get in line whenever this occurs next week instead of him.  But, I'm going to prepare myself for this, this weekend. Go through every conceivable thing that could happen, issue that is brought up, "button pushing" that may be brought against me and think through how I'm going to respond.  Yes, I have something to prove here whether I stay at that place or not (and most likely not by my own choosing regardless of what they do).

Anyway, I actually have to be at work by around 6:45 am tomorrow, to have the truck leaving the yard at 7:00 am. OT? In this manager's current state of mind? Heck no.  Lol, he'll just make me leave earlier.  It's juvenile, pathetic and telling of his nature.  His is god of that place and you best bow down and worship him. Must be quite humiliating for him not to have firing power.  He may get his final revenge next week, who knows. I'm not fretting it at all. If that happens, it means to me it was time to leave.

________________________

Okay well this post has been days in the making. It's now Thursday, was sent home from work at 3:00 pm.  Verification that his ire and anger against me about calling him a liar - completely justified since he was, indeed, lying, right in front of me, to his boss on the phone so I heard with my own ears what he was saying - coming from other drivers who are saying he is spouting off at the mouth behind my back about all of this.  Which I could care less about, let his pathetic little self spout off.  I decided a while ago to start selectively looking for a new job.  Meaning, only places I think would be a good fit for me and will provide excellent pay.

If I'm going to switch jobs, might as well bust this up to 70k range. I'm specifically looking for local chemical or gas/fuel hauling.  No experience, whatsoever, in that field, but I know it pays well and I am a fast learner.  Mostly, I am preparing myself for come what may next week.  The regional director is supposedly a laid back man, I'll find out next week I guess. Didn't really ask for a meeting with any of them, but that is forced due to the situation going on here. Remember that my immediate manager does not have firing power.

I got let off early because I started early, btw, but at 8 hours a day with the money I'm making and eliminating OT?  No can do.  But, the main thing here isn't pay, it's the manager.  It's an insufferable situation that needs to be rectified.  When the GM starts asking if I would be willing to relocate - well, that isn't really a good sign. It means he knows I do an excellent job but also means that this situation has to have a change.  It can't go on like this.  I understand that, agree to it completely.  I didn't want to admit this with him, but I don't see this situation getting any better.  The reason I didn't is because I am hopeful that some artificial band aid will be applied that I can still there a little while long where i can take time off, get paid for it and spend that time devoted to finding a new job and also getting away from that place.  It is a toxic environment there.

Well that's enough for this one.

Saturday and sundry stuff....

I have the house to myself for at least the next 5 days : ) The lady tenant went to meet "internet friends" that she has allegedly known for couple of years. I have actually had several such encounters and they all turned out very well. However, considering how she handles herself and her speech, I have to wonder about this.

The dude went to Dallas to visit his uncle, who is allegedly rich and is going to buy him a set of tires for his truck in return for some sort of labor.  No offense to the tenant, but his physical health is horrid, I have no idea how he thinks he can do much of anything. He spend most of his time in a large recliner watching TV. He pays an extra $100 per month on the rent to pay for a very large amount of extra channels on DTV.

But, I am glad to have the place to myself for awhile, no complaints there.  Me and the dogs.  Could do that for a very long period of time and not get bored with it.

I finally called the shop today that has the Jeep.  I had figured them right.  They have a very good reputation around town here, including the Sheriff's department who brings their vehicles there for service and repair.  I mean, this guy went into a litany of things they have done to try and resolve this problem.  All the sensors that whoever had replaced with off-market brands they replaced with OEM.  I really don't even remember all that this guy listed off until he got to the cracked head deal. They have been doing online research. I did too before I even had them over, but my research suggested that the computer is probably bad.  It also suggested that even brand new computers have issues and don't work right.

I am suspect of a cracked head though.  A compression problem would be consistent, at least I would think.  How does the thing run fine for 25 miles on a cracked head, then run bad and then turn it off and then it runs fine again?  Nah, bro, I am still guessing a fuel suction problem in the fuel tank. Like there is something in there that obstructs the delivery of fuel at any given point.  I would be pulling the fuel tank off and inspecting it, but that's me.  And since I am now off the hook on paying for all of this experimentation, they can do whatever they want, but taking the head off and having it inspected is a some amount of labor. Still, the head mechanic over there has labeled the thing as a challenge and they say they aren't giving up on it until they figure it out.

Good luck!  Please strike the "find the problem" jackpot soon cause my Polaris is all but finished -got the right  wheel spacers in today.  I think they are anyway, I'll find out tomorrow when I try to install them.  The other one I ordered a new sprocket/chain set and I will be jacking that thing up and removing everything I need to to get at that oil drain plug.  The kid next door did an oil change or his friends or whoever and stripped the threads. I'm thinking either tapping out a larger hole/thread or insert a helicoil.Not my first rodeo with damaged threads.  Just ridiculous that it occurred on a oil drain plug.

So anyway, I put in a bid one used rear fender for the thing for $50. Shipping is $130. Yup, they are making money off the shipping.  But, it's still cheaper than much of whatever else I have been able to find.  However, the seller had a "free local pickup" option.  Yes!  Thank you, I'll take that, I thought and paid the $50 for it.  The seller accepted the $50 offer and now? Probably not going to like the results.  But, it's their deal, perhaps they didn't think anyone would take them up on it. And not, it doesn't cost $130 to send a probably 15 pound plastic fender.  Sorry. Now, wait to see what happens.

Work.  Well let's see.  I come back from a run on Thursday and the manager is standing in the shed with a small group of people.  Didn't really think anything about it.  I get out of truck and he is facing me, asks to see the ticket.  No clue what's going on here, at all.  I walk over, hand him the ticket and then he starts in on me.  He's just itching to find me doing anything wrong.  He  is obviously in another one of his anger fits.  The problem?  I forgot to put a pallet on the truck for the delivery and he wants to know why.  Ummm, no, actually, I didn't forget anything.  He is standing there demanding that the wrapping station be removed - he wanted it gone.  I was ready to quit yet one more time.  I am a truck driver, not a parts puller and shrink wrapper.  I do all that junk but it isn't in my job description.  To shrink wrap a pallet that is sitting on the ground is back breaking, literally. Your back hurts and it's very difficult.

So, he started in on his stupid speech about the pallet and how was it missed?  I continued on about the wrapping station.  This man doesn't have a clue what he is talking about.  When it comes to the actual physical work of getting orders pulled, he is simply and completely ignorant.  Add to that an anger problem and add to that knee jerk reactions. On top of that making judgments without facts and what you really have is a blooming idiot.  He was getting visibly angrier by the second as I continued to push the wrapping station, interrupting him because why? Because he is a total asshole and I don't give a damn about that place anymore because of him and his bullshit.  Sorry for the language but that's how I feel about it.

So, he stops his line of ignorant rhetoric and points at an inside salesman. Go get the wrapping station and bring it back here.  The dude goes and gets it, sets it down and now back to this pallet that "is sitting right there".  It wasn't sitting right there when I loaded the truck and was shrink wrapping everything.  How o you miss this? This dude is so caught up in himself, if you think Trump is a narcissist, this dude has him beat by a country mile.  Everything is about him.  Anyway, others spoke up since I didn't pull the order - which is what I continued to say over and over. I didn't pull this order, I had no idea this pallet was a part of this order, it wasn't out there with the rest of the pallets.  Finally, in his desperate attempt to "catch" me doing something wrong, he said, well, did you ask if that was everything?  I always ask if this is everything if I didn't pull the order.  Oh, well who did you ask?  This dude is a piece of dogshit with legs.  I despise working there now.  I hate going to work anymore.  I'm just trying to last 3 more months until my son has his wedding, take a week and a half off and perhaps never go back to the place, I dunno.

Anyway, I pointed at the warehouse manager - I asked him. Who?  Tony - pointing at him. Now, the manager's tones change substantially.  So you asked him if that was everything? This is 3 times now that he has asked me the same effing question.  YES.  Those two are buddy-buddy - good ole' boys club - the manager won't rail on him like he does the rest of us "underlings".  After all of that bullshit - calling me out yet again in front of everyone in a fit of anger - he is proven wrong, once again.

So, the next morning - yesterday - I come into work to find the wrapping station planted directly in front of the warehouse.  This is their retaliation, to make us bring everything clear over to the warehouse and do it there.  But, it's also a safety issue since customers are driving up and parking right next to it all day long.  The other "main" driver approached the manager about it, this isn't safe.  The manager said it's fine. He said no, this is going to be an issue.  Well, I have my own form of retaliation here. Since the warehouse manage says he isn't walking over there any more - where the wrapping station used to be - to check orders, I'm going to start dumping the product right in front of the warehouse.  I don't care if it's 15 pallets.  That will start a war, but this dude said he isn't walking over there anymore, so fine.  I'll block the entire place up with pallets and hydrants and valves and we'll see what happens. It is also only a matter of time before someone backs into a car with on of those huge forklifts and the only thing that anyone will have been able to say is: I told you so.

So, now I have to really start thinking about a new job.  The problem is, how do I get a good reference? It is almost guaranteed he won't give a good reference for me, the man is too vindictive and caught up in himself to give anyone kudos.  I am going to have to contact the GM in Phoenix to see if I can use him as a reference.  Or move back to Phoenix haha and get my old job back.  I left on good terms there.

So that's that.  It's Saturday, I slept in this morning and about to go outside and try to finish the big 4 wheeler. I'm almost there.  I ordered wheel spacers and they sent me the wrong ones.  I sent those back and got credited for them and now have new ones that arrived yesterday on my doorstep.  About to go out and find out if they are the right size. I would like t get this project over with, button everything back up and be done with it and move on to the other 4 wheeler that needs work done to it.  I can't really do anything until the Jeep is fixed - if it ever does get fixed - but I would like to have these machines ready to go if/when it is.  I am actively bidding on other atv's that need work.  Buy one cheap, fix it and then have 3 for all of us to go riding.  So far no luck, mostly because I have no way to get the machine over here and no one wants to transport it for me.  Which kinda sucks because some really good deals have come and gone.

Oh, and the lady friend that owns the house is considering moving back here without the hubby.  She hates it over there, she misses her friends and her job says they will hire her back on the spot the day she moves back here.  So, she contacted me a few days ago asking how long we have to give these folks to move out? A month, minimum.  That's usually the law in any state but also just good practice.  You can't expect a person to just go hunt down a new place to live in a few days and get everything set up for moving out, that would be wrong, IMO.  I would rather give them at least 2 months since they are on fixed income and moving pretty much leaves them broke.  I'll probably help them out when they do have to move.  They have indicated they want a place around here, so I may also help them with that.  They have no credit at all and anyplace wanting to do credit checks they aren't going to qualify for it.  I kinda wish I had the wherewithal to buy a house, there are several of them for sale on this street and the next and they are going cheap enough.

An owner finance situation would be good too, but nothing like that available right now.  They have a friend that would move in with them - you need minimum 3 people paying rent to make something like that work.  A house would have to be furnished as well. Well not the bedrooms but everything else.  But, owner finance would likely want at least 10% down.  Out of the question right now..

Oh well. Cross that bridge when it comes.  They may change their mind and move out of the area altogether.  They also may end up going separate ways.  She has "issues" that are life long and aren't going away.  She hates men, she told me a while back and she also cannot handle her liquor.  She likes to drink but when she overdoes it, she goes haywire.  In that sense, the owners moving back here can't happen soon enough.  In the sense of eating, though, she cooks all the time and is very good at it.

Well enough of this, I have stuff to do.

It was an interesting conversation.
My mom texted m this last weekend wanting me to call her.  Well I was a bit busy with the homeowner coming to town and coming here first.  She just had a baby - 7 weeks old - and she was bringing the newborn for me to see and to see the house and spend some time together.  She left Georgia for 3 weeks because hubby went on a work travel scenario in North Carolina.

It was very wonderful to see her and the new addition to the family.  Spent the afternoon together.  One of her friends came over as well.  I really miss them, They became true friends after we were living together for extended period of time.  She informed me - again - that I am stuck with them forever.  It is truly an amazing feeling to have people that love you more than your own family. Save my mom of course. Well anyway, we - her and I and the baby - went to Chili's and we spent a couple of hours conversing and having a few drinks. That was on Sunday and it was a great day.  Really was.

Anyway, I called mom yesterday.  She started right in on her proposal.  You see, she gave my oldest brother power-of-attorney over her if something happens to her. But, legally, that ends at death.  At death, you need an executor of estate.  Apparently her lawyer has been advising her about this - there IS no executor of estate and she needs one.  In Arizona, the state becomes the executor and that is a hellish nightmare from every account I have read over the years - which are not few.

Well, my middle brother basically went psycho on me earlier this year.  I wrote about that here I think, not going to go much into it excepting to say that the rest of the family that saw that thought he was losing his marbles.  It was extended text messages in a group setting that were all but telling me I am going to hell, to put it in a way to let the reader understand his rage.

So anyway, she said my oldest brother agreed to her proposal to be the executor of state.  I said fine, I trust him.  He's successful, already has lots of money, had a financial adviser tell him he could retire now with this current portfolio.  I have never seen him as a greedy, self-oriented person. I have seen him as a godless, Christ despising person that is stuck up in his ways and avoids family like the plague. But when it comes to something like this, I don't believe he would go afoul.  Of course in the end and when it happens that may not hold water, but I am hopeful since that is what mom obviously wanted and I wasn't going to raise an objection.

However, my oldest brother told her that he was hesitant about taking that position because of one thing.  "I'm hesitant to tell you this", she says.  Why? I'm wondering and asking.  Well, she says, he remembers when you took a corporation to court, the mobile home park with a high profile lawyer and you won.  Yes I did. I devoted an extensive amount of my personal time to reading about the rules of the court, going to the library and looking up cases in books that had court cases in them to find the information I needed.  I exhausted myself in the brain taking in large quantities of information I had not otherwise been exposed to before.  I became educated enough in my own right to take on a lawyer that had office space on the 12th floor in a downtown Phoenix high rise.  I'm not exactly saying I beat her because of all of that, but it certainly didn't hurt.

He, my oldest brother, was fearful that I would bring that upon him.  I asked mom how even knew about that situation? I don't remember ever telling anyone but mom about what I was doing during that time.  She said the same thing, she never remembered me saying that to family and since family doesn't come together but once a year, highly unlikely I would bring that up at Christmas.

I actually found that humorous.  My oldest brother, the man who cares about family not and discounts all of us, giving me credence for the win against the park?  Actually, it was a win against a Chinese bank that owned the park and hired that lawyer to defend themselves.  Sometimes, when you know you're right? You're right and your opposition can pay however much and you still aren't going to lose.

Haha. I had to laugh at that. In fact, it was much more lighthearted conversation than mom expected.  I expect my brother to deal with it righteously and if he doesn't, he can expect to get a heap full of trouble in return. But, even that mom said: "the trust includes a provision that is defends itself".  Which means, whoever is executioner has no choice but to "behave" and divide it all 3 ways.  I never start these conversations. I would rather my mom stay alive and lucid for a long time to come.

Anyway, that reservation that my brother gave only gave me some confidence in agreeing with her.   I'm fine with that.  You see, if I were the executioner of state, my middle brother would have a cow about it.  He is selfish, angry and hateful.  When mom hands out some thing of sentimental value, he always goes hog shit crazy over it. "Why did HE get that?".  It is an obvious choice, my oldest brother, but I still suspect that when this event occurs, there is still going to be problems with the middle brother.  HE may actually start court trouble.  Which will cost the inheritance, but I don't think that would bother him.  Oh, excepting the cost to HIM to initiate it.  Expensive, time consuming and emotionally draining.

So, besides laughing about old times and some of the stuff going on in this neighborhood, that was that on that conversation.  `

They came and took my Jeep 2 weeks ago and I have heard nothing back. They are obviously stumped on it and I'm not going to even call them. Let them call me when they figure it out. If they don't, then we will be discussing a refund of my money and they can take the Jeep for themselves.  I am not going to voluntarily eat that much money for what amounts to nothing in return. But, so far, I have said nothing like that to them.  They were so confident to figure this out, let them figure it out.

It was going to be a backup for my car, which is going into the "mega miles" range, at least as far as I'm concerned. It's in the 160k range and that to me is a lot.  I have read about these cars going over 300k. Great, but I am not so confident.  I would have rather had a backup vehicle that also serves for recreational purposes than have to go into debt on a new vehicle.  I'm driving the wheels off that car.  It has numerous issues, but none of it related to mechanical problems, just cosmetics and things that don't need to work for a car to be driven  I'm actually quite tired of that thing, I have driven it for many years now, I would like something different, which does not mean new.  I think it's been 9 years now on that car.

I'm happy to not have car payments, though, so right now, it's going to stay that way unless the thing has a major breakdown. A minor breakdown, no biggies.  The Jeep situation is very disappointing and facing potential litigation.  I may not win that one, but then again, they guaranteed me they could fix it. It's not in writing, that's the only problem with that.  I am still believing they are interested in finding out what's wrong with it and fixing it. It's a small town and in a conservative community where people still value their word.  That is why I have said nothing to them since they took it almost 2 weeks ago.  Don't provoke them, let them spend whatever spare time they have attempting to figure out what's wrong with it.  I'm at the point where I won't give  them any more money though.

The tenants who are friends had it out again 2 nights ago.  I had my bedroom door open and they were apparently pushing each other around - but I heard none of it, therefore I didn't know it was going on.  It's a long story that I don't want to go into, just not worth that much time typing.  But, apparently she assaulted him.  She hates men. Yes, that came from her own mouth in a conversation I was having with her over a month ago.  She has issues that need counseling.  She also cannot handle her liquor - when she gets a hold of a bottle, she drinks to much and then goes berserk.  I am thankful for having a phone that also doubles as a video camera, though this wasn't about me? I was still taking video after I was approached by the dude about it and I saw what was going on.

Life is never paradise with tenants, but some of it is just too much.  This is why I have attempted to make myself an exemplary tenant when my friends were here occupying their house.  Leave a light footprint and don't start a lot of shit and don't complain about too much. If there is something I don't like, I fix it and that's that.

Speaking of fixing things, the Polaris is almost up and running.  I was done with it last weekend until I put the tires back on and saw the tierods literally up against the tires.  Yup, not just slightly rubbing against them, this is 'damage them to the point of corrupting them' stuff.  My unending education on 4 wheelers continues.  I found out that many people experience this when they buy larger tires, something that is unexpected. There are 2 options, I found out.  Either put in wheel spacers or put on "offset" wheel rims.  Upon seemingly endless searching the result was to buy wheel spacers over much more expensive new wheels. I don't I don't need new wheels.

So, I ordered 2 spacers for the front wheels, 1 inch thick.  I received them today.  2 spacers, 2 inches thick, much more than I wanted.  I kinda think stuff like having wheels protruding from the sides looks stupid.  However, the male tenant explained to me today that offset wheels from the front to the back actually help with 4 wheeling through mud in acquiring different tracks and more traction.  Oh.  Well don't ya know.  Learn something new everyday.  My search didn't include anything of that nature.  Just, how do you compensate for larger tires? I had actually thought of putting on washers before looking it up, but everyone said the same thing about that idea: not!  Well, I guess I have to order lug nuts now.  Why they don't include them with the spacers or even suggest an option to buy them, no clue.

Well that isn't everything, but that's enough for tonight : )

My friend (now) the homeowner came by today.  She left Georgia to go visit in-laws in Arkansas while hubby is away on extended assignment in North Carolina.  She decided to come down here for a visit and bring the 7 week old newborn as well.  Well, the boy isn't going anywhere without mama that young and being breast-fed lol.

We visited for several hours at the house, a friend that I also know of hers came over as well. The next door neighbor also stopped by and we had a great conversation.  That all ended when Taylor - the lady friend and homeowner - wanted to go to Chili's and we left. Just her and the baby and I.  It was a pleasant afternoon and I was wishing they could move back - like now?  lol  Not that the tenants are bad people but they aren't friends like these folks are.  She continued on with her statement that " you are stuck with us forever".  I'm not sure how we hit it off so well, but it's nice to have friends that actually care.

Anyway, the Jeep is still in the shop for the third time. It's been there for almost 2 weeks - this time -now.  Very disappointing.  I could have bought something else with that much money and if they can't figure it out, I'm out a chunk of change.  A very large chunk of change at that.  I'll part it out before i take a total loss, but that is a lot of work.

Work is the same. Very unhappy people working there.  Not just me.  Pretty much everyone there.  The only happy people are the salesmen, the rest are all stuck in this cycle of whining and complaining about everything that goes on there. Everyone gets talked about behind their backs. Several people are getting up there in years and a couple for sure should be retiring - or so you would think.  The warehouse manager is 64 years old. He is guesstimating around 350 pounds - maybe 400 - has a hard time getting around with ankle and foot problems - that probably because he weighs so much and the job requires him to be on his feet much of the day.  The manager has toned down his rhetoric quite a lot, at least with me.

It's a dilemma for me.  Right now, I'm attempting to stick it out until August so I can take a week off for my son's wedding.  If I'm going to CA, I'm going to be at his wedding but also going to go to the beach and do some things there and enjoy myself. It's kinda taken the place of my hope of finally flying over the ocean.  That's about 4 more months, probably can do that as long as the manager doesn't switch back to his old ways. I'm not saying there is anything even remotely close to a 100% improvement, but anything from what it was is a miracle.

I don't really have any great things going on in my life right now. My adventurous days aren't over, just on hold.  I think.  There are definitely better things I could be doing with my time than what I am doing currently, but the motivation levels aren't that high.  It's enough at this moment in time to get to work and back 5 days a week and endure that hell hole until something different comes along.

Anyway, it's almost my bedtime, just haven't written anything in a while.