As my mind and heart come around to the reality of what is going on here, I come to understand that my dad is not gone, but very much alive and very much well in the place he is now at.  I must understand that his new life is greatly enhanced and renewed because of that.  He is no longer suffering. His mind no longer deceives him.  He no longer goes through the circular thoughts of what he just said, asking a question twice and three times and then, after giving him a short reply, he remembers and then, he apologizes for his dementia.

Exactly what happened.  Yea dad, but I understand, it's okay.  It was strange but not totally disheartening to hear him asking if I was the person that lived across the street from them? Or hearing him saying I am a wonderful person in a way that doesn't acknowledge that he knows my relation to him. I went through story after story about our past together before he finally connected the dots.  It was difficult to see him laying in a hospital bed, in diapers, smelling badly.  The entire house smelled.  It took some time for my sense of smell to adjust to that.

And because I have a problem with smell now - after using some nasal spray stuff several years ago and it messing things up - I have smells that stick in my nose long after I have left the place that had that smell. I was 700 miles into the trip back home and still had that smell in my nose.  But, it got me to thinking about our humanity.  The fact that we often times come into this life as babies having to be nurtured and going out of this life in the same condition.

But, do we focus on the end? No!  We focus on the life that was lived! Especially a life that was well lived! A life that honored the Lord and gave Him glory! That was a testimony to His lovingkindess, His grace and His patience towards us.  For the Lord is God! He is worthy to be praised!

___________________

Well, it's Monday evening. Did not go to work today and tomorrow is July 4th, so no work regardless tomorrow.  I have committed to coming into work for Wednesday and Thursday, but I must leave out on the road trip after work on Thursday to be in Sierra Vista by Friday evening at the latest.  I drove the car about 75 miles today, something I needed to do but just checking.  It's running fine.  I will simply head out Thursday and hope and pray the vehicle makes it through yet another extended trip.

The next pain is finding airfare and hotel in California.  I have been searching for awhile today on a large number of different sites.  I've come up with what i think will be the best deal, but I am waiting for mother to pull the trigger on her round trip airfare/hotel and see if I can at least stay in the same hotel as her.  But, I give it until tomorrow for her to do it. Wait too long and prices start to skyrocket.  Hopefully I don't get on the sites tomorrow and find they have risen $100 or more dollars.

Now, I am going to go through some old emails from dad and see if I can find some gems that I can share with people at the Memorial Service.  I don't know if there will be an open mic or not, but still, I can read a few snippets off the tablet if nothing else.

_________________

Finally got the Jeep back today, took it on an almost 70 mile run.  Ran fine, albeit no AC.  So, I guess the thing is finally working.  I'm not interested in driving a hot vehicle around and right now? I have just spent a truckload of money on airfare and hotel stay in California, plus a down payment on the Jeep plus I have a trip to make this week.  I was going to do the AC on the Jeep myself, but the technology has changed since I last did it and there are tools that I don't have that would cost a small fortune to buy that would, in effect, make it more cost effective to have a shop do it.  They will have a warranty on the work.

The vehicle isn't likely to get driven much until summer is over.  I am going to finally finish the Polaris, though, just needs a bit more on the alignment and put some plastic pieces back on it and hopefully take it for a ride somewhere, sometime in the near future.  Replacing the AC system will be dependent on finances available, I think I was quoted almost $600 to replace the compressor.  It isn't just the compressor you are replacing, you have to replace the evaporator, usually have to replace lines, flush out the system, vacuum the system, check the system for leaks via the vacuum and then finally pump the freon back into it.

It's the 4th of July, the day is almost over. Going back to work for 2 days then leaving after work on Thursday for the trip back to Sierra Vista.  Caleb was asking for a ride down there, I told him he would have to be picked up the day before. I think he didn't like that idea but I'm not going to have to be leaving on Saturday morning to try to be there in time at 10:00. I would rather wake up in the hotel, have time for coffee, a shower, shave, think about things and then make my way the short drive over to the church.

I got a job offer, but it's so many hours and it's starting at the very bottom of the totem pole.  It would take years to get anything close to where I am at with benefits right now.  But I guess that would be expected anywhere.  It also requires Saturday work unless you work marathon days to get your minimum allotted work done before the weekend.  Like 14 hour days they were telling me.  I'm good up to about 12 hours, after that, I start to fade.  Not sold on that one.  The pay is excellent though.  Like so much more than I'm making now that it almost offsets all the cons. I say almost because I'm simply not convinced that that many hours, at my age, is a good fit for me. I'm going broke currently though.

I can't afford anything now.  The hour cutbacks are just too much.  They don't care that our annual pay is down significantly.  My savings account is almost wiped out and I haven't been doing much of anything.  My plans to buy another ATV are gutted.  I can't get the AC fixed on the jeep.  I'm uncomfortable with a paycheck to paycheck living situation I will be at in short order.  I did have a nice cushion of at least 3 grand for quite a while there, years actually. Sometimes it would dip down into the 2 grand situation but not often.  I am dumping a lot of money into 401k and have been for quite a while, not really something I want to cut back on, but I did reduce the contribution percentage recently.  I still have a good chunk of change going in there though.

I'm not sure what to do now.  I think a job offer with a bit less hours is what I need.  And guarantted weekends off or minimal weekends having to work.  I have no get rich schemes available and I have few options.

Well, whatever the case, enough for one entry, this one was days in the making.

Honestly not looking forward to another 2,600 mile road trip.  Just too soon to be doing another one. But I've checked Greyhound and I've checked all the shuttle services I could find. Greyhound stops at Benton, but Sierra Vista is another 40 or so miles south of there.  Then I would have to take a shuttle from Benson to Sierra Vista.  If my dad hadn't lived so far south at what is basically a dead end before you get to Mexico.  It's a military town, that's what the "attraction" there is. Lots of retired military there too.

Anyway, I'm still both saddened and angered by my brother's lack of response to this.  Totally expected, still totally unacceptable.  I let them know in the group texting thing we have going that dad died yesterday.  No response from anyone.  My mom told me in a private text to " leave it alone".  I love my mom, but she is NOT going to tell me to be silenced. I'm not a 5 year old and I let her know in no uncertain terms that if my voicing my opinion about my dad was going to be a problem for her, I will "not bother you anymore about anything".

I'm sick  of my family's attitude towards my dad. My mom is divorced from him over 3 decades, but that doesn't give her right and license to just drone on about how evil she thinks he is, even in his death.  That is some sick s*** right there.  Shut the hell up and keep it to yourself if you can't say anything nice about a dead man. He spent his life helping people, if you can't at least acknowledge something good about him, I don't want to hear anything at all from you about it.   

I grew up with my dad, I know how he is.  I remember going on countless bird watching hikes with him.  Going on nature hikes, we would go camping in the woods and he would point out stuff and give a short description of what it is and what it's importance was.  My dad was a loving soul, I don't give a serious damn about my family's lack of love for him in trying to shut me up about it and I am sick of their vilification of him.  I made ONE text, very brief and said I wouldn't say anymore about it and my mom gives me hell for that? NO.  I left it up to her if she wanted to have any further interest in my life, for I am not going to continue to tolerate this bullshit from any of them. I will close myself off to all 3 of them forever.

My cousin has given me FAR more support from the other side of the world than anyone around here in my family lines has.  It's amazing - amazingly pathetic.  

My family sucks.  That's all there is to it. I don't care if I ever see my brothers again.  I'm getting close to that with my mother.  She wants me to fly to Phoenix to drive her to the wedding in August. The HELL with that. I'm not going to spend 6 hours listening to someone whine about bs in our family that is non-existent. I understand she has her feelings about him from a divorced view of it, but I am his SON.  She can't even see that he was my dad and that I loved him?   

To be honest, I am FAR more grieved about my brothers lack of any interest, whatsoever, in my dad than I am of my dad's passing.  Their hatred for him. Their unceasing anger towards him.  He went to Heaven, he is with the Lord, I am content with that.  I will miss knowing that he is alive and having our conversations, but we will have that once again sometime in the future.  For the Lord is our God, our Father and we have an everlasting covenant with Him through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Thank you Jesus!

So yes, I'll drive out there once again.  I simply can't afford the high cost of flying to Tucson and the shuttle fee on top of that  I will leave out of here directly after work on Thursday, try to get at least 400 miles in before stopping somewhere and then finish it off on Friday.  I have already made hotel reservations at the same place I stayed at on Saturday.

______________________


Sunday morning. Woke up with hives and rashes on various parts of my body. I am not sick so I think I know what the problem is.  Mites.  Dogs have them. I treated Addler yesterday and will be treating the Shepherd today. No I haven't been letting them in my bed but they sleep in my room and this is the only thing I can think of that is causing this. The rashes are where my body makes the most contact with the bed so it only makes sense to me that mites are the problem. Currently washing everything in hot water, will be going to the store to buy some poison to spray in the room and hopefully rid the room of the mites.

That is creating a rather busy day for me in what otherwise was going to just be laid back and resting.  It just became obvious yesterday that Addler has mange, hair starting to fall out near his tail and scratching and itching all over. This isn't a food allergy, this is definitely them little critters eating him alive.  After I bathed him yesterday, I sprayed the mite stuff on him and the itching all but completely ceased.  He is now only itching in areas that I didn't spray - I didn't see anything there so I didn't spray it. Will be dealing with that a little later on as well.

Dad Is In Heaven

The day finally came.

While on lunch break, I got a FB message from one of my dad's wife's son's wives.  

We have kept in touch for a while since my dad's health started going seriously bad.

The message said: "I just tried to call you". 

I knew what had happened.  I felt it.  I knew my dad had passed.

But, messaging that kinds of news to family members is lame, I must agree, she didn't say what was going on, just asked for my number.

She immediately called and let me know what was going on.  

My dad's wife had tried to call as well, but she had an old number that I haven't had in years.

So there it is.  I was on lunch break at work, and though I expected some grief, it hit me hard.  I came back to work, sitting in the parking lot thinking about how I am going to go in there to tell them I need to go home without breaking down in front of everyone.  Not really something I want to do.  But, fortunately, the manager was outside talking on the phone.  I waited for him to get off and told him what was going on.  He immediately offered his condolences, which was nice considering.  Told me to just stay on the clock and he would punch me out at 5, which was also pretty amazing considering his stance on such things.  Then told me to call on Monday - we are open on Monday, that's just the way our company works even though there will be very little to nothing going on since 4th of July is on Tuesday.  I fully expect to call him and tell him I will be in on Wednesday.  

Millie - my dad's wife- already set the memorial service for Saturday the 8th at 10am.  I know for certain no one else from my side of the family will be there.  

____________

This has been a troubling day.  But, I am glad to have so much support from so many people.

I'm looking at a 2,400 road trip.  I can't afford the pricing of flying to Phoenix and then $300 round trip ground transportation from Phoenix to Sierra Vista.  Or to Tucson - flying into there is much more expensive.  

 

I can only drive there to be a part of it.  Should I spend 3 days worth of driving back and forth to attend my dad's Memorial Service? That is a rhetorical question.  I should get there however it take me to get there.  I will tentatively leave on Thursday after work, arrive on Friday evening.  Hopefully get some kind of sleep at the hotel I already stayed in down there and have booked for that date and then, head straight back. 

Yeah, the head straight back junk may change. I wouldn't mind simply spending another night at that hotel and do nothing more than sit around contemplate things.  I just don't know about driving straight back.  I paid for that on Wednesday coming back the evening before and going straight back to work.  I'm not in my 20's or 30's anymore. 

I'm worn out.  I've been tearing up much of the day.  Thoughts of the past with dad.  Thoughts of how my brothers hate him.  I sent them a text - the same group text we all chat in- I got nothing back. They won't even acknowledge my dad in his death.

That is both saddening and very angering to me.  

Well I put up a post yesterday concerning the second part of the trip but it ended up in another blogger account I have - and haven't used in years.  In fact, it was quite ironic that of the only 4 posts in that account, the one that came up was a trip to Dad's in Sierra Vista some years ago.  Just a bit eerie.
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Anyway, I stopped last night at around 11:30 pm in Amarillo, Texas.  I found another great deal on Expedia for this HUGE hotel property. My $109 room was $36 plus tax.  The room was huge.  I was amazed at what I got for the money paid.  However, the hotel I ended up in Sierra Vista, though not as big, I liked much better.  Still, I got a decent night's sleep, got up around 8:30 am, ate their free breakfast - standard nothing breakfast but since it was free I figured better than shelling out even more money.

Got out on the road and burned up the rest of the fuel in the car, filled it up again somewhere well outside of Ft Worth, and kept right on driving.  I hate, hate, hate driving through Dallas. the freeways are all torn up for construction and they've been torn up for years now.  I held in the need to go to th bathroom, got through there and held it in for another 150 miles lol.

Almost 2,600 miles covered. That old car had no more problem than a bad tire, which I would have had to replace regardless of the trip or not.  I'm going to check my account for how much money I spent on fuel. Actually, I put some of it on a Chevron card as well.  4 hotel stays, all last minute deals that all turned out to be either good or very good.  Visiting dad, Caleb and my mom.  had a lot of thinking time.  Saw some places I haven't seen in decades, especially on the trip back since I went up to I40 from mom's property. Driving through New Mexico is some interesting stuff.

I can't remember that last time I took a road trip that far.  And it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I was really worried about that old car. It runs like a champ, but still.  Who knows what might happen on that much driving constantly 5 days in a row.

It was an exceptional trip in that I found out that for as much as I dislike driving for work anymore, I could enjoy myself driving on pleasure. Well this wasn't exactly pleasure considering my dad's condition.  I expect a phone call soon enough that he has passed away.  But for as much driving as it was, it was definitely worth the drive to see him, visit with him, prod his memory so he could remember who I was.  Cause' at first, he had no clue.  I had to tell story after story of mainly stuff we did together as a young boy and he finally connected the dots.

His wife was gracious enough, more than I expected, though it was obvious elongated visits were not welcomed.  But I had driven all that way, I ignored the clues and just sat there, looking at day, conversed with him and she finally sat down and joined in, which really helped a lot because my dad really isn't comfortable around anyone without her around.  Played some Gospel music and sang to it.  Reminisced of days gone by. Talked politics. Talked about the Lord.  I was intent on getting whatever conversation I could out of my dad for the time I was there, because I am quite certain that trip will be the last time I see him alive on this earth.  Now I don't have to regret not seeing him.  I don't have to wonder what it would have been like to see him in his final days of life.  I don't have to stress about things not done.  I am at peace now.  My dad will pass, he will go to be with the Lord, my life will go on however much longer it will and I will go to the same place and be with him again someday.

But you see, I have a friend that is about 700 miles from here that I was scoffing at airfare pricing, but also scoffing at the idea of driving over there.  Not anymore.  Driving, especially nowadays with fuel at the price that it is, is not that bad You just need the time to do it.  But, I can't take any time off until they get another driver.  However, that will be overlooked if/when dad passes.

My mom.  You know, I probably would have stayed longer up there, but it's quite hot up in those mountains right now and as always, she doesn't care anything about using AC.  She just doesn't. She complained that it costs her a hundred bucks a month to run the AC in the afternoon.  We were sitting outside and it was quite warm.  I did that for almost 3 hours and that was it, that was all I could take.  I have always attributed to her love of the dry heat to it's effect on her fibromyalgia, somehow make the pain subside or lessons it.

And I forgot the irritation of the next door neighbor's 15 year old son, speeding up and down the street, always in someone's truck - a different truck it seems all the time - burning out tires, it gets old.  The peace I was just experiencing here dismantled by this bs.

Well anyway, I just got home a while ago and trying to settle back into to "real life".  Meaning in a little over 12 hours from now, I have to be at work. It is an ending to a trip that isn't quite so wonderful. I always schedule trips to have a buffer day - a complete day back home - to get my mind back into the daily grind. Time to anticipate what's coming, which isn't really all that wonderful.

I understand now the need to get out of here more often though, on top of everything else. It is a very nice readjustment.  Working is not what life is about.  It is an end to a means.  If it doesn't do that, then it is worthless.  I am considering that my place of employment, without the OT, is worthless.  The last 2 or 3 weeks the hours mysteriously came back.  No rhyme, no reason. I get suspended on this bridge in between my current place of employment and finding a new job.

Anyways, I don't want to go into that right now.  I drove 700 miles yesterday and I enjoyed that.  The car is old, some things don't work (and not worth fixing) but it's comfortable.  I have long resisted the temptation to get into a newer vehicle with payments and I"m glad I did.

What's next?  Caleb's wedding.  Perhaps a funeral. That kinda takes up any fund and time off that I can do right now.  In fact, I intend on approaching the manager tomorrow and telling him that whether he has a new driver or not by August,  I am taking time off to go to my son's wedding in CA. It isn't his fault though. He has had 3 drivers go through our company's background check - and all 3 failed.  Our company doesn't hire people with felonies or other wild stuff in their background, at least not if it is recent.  All nice and fine, but he needs to get someone in there or simply deal with that fact that there is only going to be one driver when I or the other driver-  who has been wanting to take time off as well - needs to take time off, we are going to do so.

In all of this, as I already said but feel the need to reaffirm: I am at peace now.  That is what I needed on this trip. It doesn't matter how much traveling or time it took or that in 5 days I only spent 5 hours over 2 days with my dad, it mattered that I connected with my family in a meaningful way that brought us together.  I wish I could say that I had that relationship with my brothers, but considering my oldest brother just told my son he isn't coming to his wedding - though I don't really hold that against him - and won't go visit his father in his death throes and won't be going to his funeral. My middle brother has disappeared off the "family" text so I haven't heard from him in months.  I'm not sure I would miss not ever hearing from him again.

Well that's it I guess.  I need to make more trips like this one.

Dad

SO the trip to visit my dad. Space but the elongated Drive no doubt about that. However I tend to drive rather fast so the 15 hours was probably more like 12 and a half. But I started Friday night and drove 400 miles and then stopped in a small town out in the middle of nowhere. I tried to stop at a Motel 6 about 50 miles before that but they wanted $70 to stay at a Motel 6. Who pays $70 to stay at a Motel 6? I've never even heard of that. That's. I was exhausted but there's no way that I'm going to pay that much money to stay at a motel like that.

Anyway, the next day I drove the rest of the eight hundred miles or 700 or whatever it was to get there and with no small amount of trepidation went up and knocked on the door. Millie of course answer to though they do have in home Hospice Care it wasn't there at the moment. She assured me right into my dad's bedroom where they had a hospital bed set up and an oxygen machine and all kinds of stuff like that in there. My dad didn't even know who I was, was he was on some pain medication and he wasn't whites in his right mind which is saying even worse than the Alzheimers effects.

Got a chance to talk to Emily as well and she gave me some writings that my dad had saved from our side of the family that she didn't really even know who it was or anything like that. Eventually after about two two and a half hours I left period I was thinking well that wasn't as bad as it could be but it wasn't all that wonderful either since my dad just didn't seem to be all there. I got on my phone and found a hotel for $32 a night and said well that'll have to do. I got there and was absolutely shocked at how very nice the accommodations were in that price. It's summertime over here it's hot and people apparently our visiting, LOL. I liked it so much that I stayed from about 8:30 until 9 this morning Finally checked out and went back to visit my dad for a last time, likely the last time I'll ever see him alive again on this Earth. Today's visit was much better than yesterday, he was much more coherent and he wasn't on the pain medication he remembered who I was all though he had to keep asking the same questions over and over, he also realized that his memory was bad.

Penny one more to ask me if driving that far to see my dad for five hours was worth it I would give them a definitive yes. He was talking quite a bit though you had to ask him a few times to understand what he was saying and sometimes you just said oh yeah that's right when you really didn't understand what was coming out of his mouth. His old humor was intact though. His wife kept hiding him from using the word hell because he is was a minister and people that used to be under his care in the church we're looking at him I guess when they come over and visit like wow. Anyway the caretaker finally showed up and it was obviously time for me to leave as Millie was saying she would have to deal with not only the caretaker but the caretaker to come in take all his clothes off and clean him from head to toe. So I spent about another 5 minutes spitting my goodbye wishes and telling my dad how much I love him, and left.

Forgot to tell the story that he had wanted to get out of bed so badly to go play the piano! Millie finally said will you help him get into his rolling chair and push him over to the piano so that he can get it out of him? He doesn't understand that he can't really do that anymore. So we went through the process of getting him out of bed and into the chair and rolling him over there where the effects of Alzheimer's had obvious results. He kept saying strange things about his fingers in his eyes and how they weren't working properly. But he did try to play for a while! The thing that's sad about that is it was only three weeks ago that he was sitting at the piano playing very well actually.

Now on I-10 Westbound headed towards Phoenix. My son is very busy with the Salvation Army but said I could come visit him at his office where they hand out water on hot days like this. I have his pre-wedding gift for him to help him with expenses for the wedding. Since I got out of Dad's house a little bit sooner than I thought I was going to, I may hit up to Payson after visiting was Caleb, find a hotel to stay at there, and then go visit my mom up at her property tomorrow morning. Morning. I'm not sure about that one yet though.

This is like the worst time of year to be visiting Phoenix. I am not going to stay long. I have zero relationship with my brothers and I really don't want to go see the house, they keep it in maculate and spotless and I just have no desire to go back there. My brother's I didn't even have a relationship with anymore. My oldest brother called my son and told him he wasn't coming for his wedding wouldn't be visiting his dad for a visitation or a funeral and basically LOL tough luck. In my estimation he is a miserable excuse for a human. My other brother I haven't heard from in four months or so now and I don't care to hear from him. I do have some friends though in Phoenix area but I figure to see family and then head home. Perhaps I can make a trip to some other time then come down here and visit everyone. My mind really isn't into visiting people and having fun and all that, not after the visitation with my father. Anyway I have been doing this on a Google tab and it seems to work pretty good for voice dictation.

The days are wearing thin on me.
My dad is - for all intents and purposes, dying.  Part of his heart doesn't work, the blood he lost from that drug the doctor prescribed him late last year which obviously didn't work as intended caused him to basically go on a downward death thrall.  My son's wedding in August.  My oldest brother sending a text today saying he wasn't going to Caleb's wedding and he is not going to either see his dad for a visit or go to "services" he called, it obviously referring to a funeral.

Getting to Sierra Vista from here is not an easy task.  I simply don't have the money to fly straight there.  Well I might have the money, but August is around the corner, meaning flying out to California and hotel stay.  And eating. And transportation. Etc Etc Etc.

The Jeep has been fixed. They finally figured out it was a valve that was basically riding in there without being mounted.  Yup, the retainers had come out, causing the thing to basically float in there.  I still don't understand why they didn't catch this in the first place. I specifically asked them about doing a compression check, of which they said passed their test. Well how the hell does it pass a compression test with a valve not seating properly?  Stuck with another $800 bill, and that was at a discounted rate.

Addler has some sort of skin issue going on.  I dunno what it is. I thought maybe mites but the stuff I bought to deal with it didn't stop him licking and scratching. It isn't fleas, so I have no clue.  Which means a vet visit.

Hours down for 4 weeks in a row until last paycheck.  This next paycheck will be well up, but the loss of the hours before that has already hit my finances and now my savings are dwindling, my checking account is at it's lowest in years and yet I am facing all of these expenses?  Am I not supposed to go see my dad? Am I supposed to skip on my son's wedding? Should I leave the dog to live in misery? I've brought my credit up in recent times but I still can't get a personal loan. The house payments being behind for so long are still hitting my credit score, it probably will for some time to come.

The only thing I have left is credit cards.  If I rack up the cards too high, the score will drop significantly until I bring the balances back down. Yet at this point, I don't see anything else in the cards.  I absolutely hate when I get hit with all kinds of stuff coming at me at once. I have money saved up for Caleb's wedding gift, I could have lowered that I guess but he called the other day. Dad, can you help out with wedding expenses?

I"m not particularly enjoying life right now with all of this coming at me.  Oh, and Caleb isn't doing tuxedos, he's doing some sort of Philippino dress called a Barong. I"ve seen them on Ebay for less than $50 bucks, so I will probably just buy one of those and whatever pants that go with it and sandals, for they aren't even going to be wearing shoes, lol, they are doing it barefoot in some sort of traditional Philippino marriage ritual.  I figure to dress in the same garb all of them are in for the fun of it.

Anyway, there is too much going on here. I can deal with it, but I don't want to.  Some of it is very depressing.  Some of it makes me angry.  My brother and his shit text today would be the cause of that.  I expect no less from either of my brothers, but when I read it on a text and see the brazenness of it, it just pisses me off. At least have the decency to word it in a polite manner, instead of coming off as some stupid redneck hillbilly bs shit talk.

One thing that is really getting at me is this: I really wanted to fly overseas this year.  Sometime this year.  That was a goal I had.  It was doable, too, until all of this came up.  In fact, I had planned on doing that in the next 2 months.  A week of flying over the ocean, visiting somewhere in Europe and then flying back.

Too much.  I'll post again soon.

Well we're moving on.
The wedding is a go for my son in California - though I had the location wrong, it's not near Oakland it's close to LA, south of it, near the beach. Looks like a beautiful facility, the college that he itnends to go to if he is accepted in.  His fiancee' is already in that college and has been there for almost a year now.  The only hold up now is a rule they have against having newly inducted students also getting married at the same time.  But, the caveat here is that she is already in the program.  I don't know how that is going to turn out. Caleb has a lot of friends in high places in that organization, we'll just have to see.  I think he finds out next month.

Meanwhile, I need to book a flight to LAX and subsequent transportation to the facility and also hotel stay. Caleb says they have their own version of a hotel on the property, but I don't have any of that information.  This endeavor is going to cost me. August is coming quickly.  I have to get a suit and tie, not going to go to my son's wedding in casual attire.  I'm no part of the ceremony but I want to respect the tradition and honor of the event in proper attire.  I haven't had a suit since my house burned down in 2008 and everything burned up with it.  In fact, I mostly just have casual attire.

I really don't want to have to drive clear to Dallas to fly out, but the savings in airfare may well be worth it.  Flying out of Tyler adds at least $100 to the price plus it's an airline that charges you for any checked in luggage.  The problem with driving to Dallas is finding a place to park for free. I know of such a place though it is hardly "safe". It's a giant hotel and you can part there however long and they don't care.  My  car is old, I doubt it would be a target.  Otherwise, parking fees are so high, a person has to consider either flying out of a small airport to the large airport (the parking fee at the small one is very cheap even for overnight).  Or, considering taking a Greyhound to dallas (pretty reasonable rate though I hate travelling on those buses, they are rolling nightmares).  

Meanwhile, I am attempting to figure out how to go see my dad without busting the bank.  Two trips I really need to take in a short period of time from each other.  This is money I really don't have right now.  I spent far more on that Jeep - which is still sitting in the shop - than I initially expected. I figured a grand, I've given them 2 grand. Now, it's a "project" and a challenge to them.  Which is a good thing because I was both unwilling to give them more money but also to let them off the hook.  How many other systems could it possibly be?  It's either an internal engine problem, or from my guessing, a fuel delivery problem.

Anyway, that extra grand - for nothing so far - was really money I could use now for all of this.  Plus, work has yet once again cut our hours back to 8, which I cannot afford to live off of.  Well, I can, but it leaves no extra money for anything else.  I already have 2 401k loans - they have been paid down substantially now but still over 2 grand a piece.  So, paying one off to get some much needed finances isn't in the cards. The plan requires that if you pay one off, you have to wait 30 days to get another one.  That's not going to work.

Credit?  Dunno. Is it worth it to go into more debt for this? Something I have been thinking about.  I have ample amount of credit available on one of my cards. But paying it off is another thing entirely.

It's a dilemma.  I'm going to my son's wedding regardless of how I have to pay to get there and stay there.

I have put out a couple of applications at places I would like to work.  They are both interested even though I have no specific experience in that kind of hauling.  I'm a fast learner, I have the necessary endorsements on my license.  I would have to simply make a request upon hire that I can take time off, even if unpaid time, to go to my son's wedding.  I'm not getting my hopes up though until they do their back ground checks  - a lot of them - and come back and tell me if they have a place for me. They are both large companies with pretty decent benefits - though obviously to gain any kind of vacation time you have to have been there for a while.

So that's where I'm at currently. Facing a few things that I just need to figure out how to handle.

Sunday.
Tomorrow, I think, the big wigs are coming into town.  It will also pretty much decide my fate with that company.
But, I am applying for local tanker gigs already.
Even if they don't fire me or do whatever, I'm moving forward with the idea that the manager isn't going to change, nothing at work is going to change and that it's an untenable situation.  The only caveat I would love to get here is a week off, anyway.

Get some time off to recompose, think time, apply for jobs time, etc.

I'll keep my composure regardless of what comes at me, that's all I can say.  It's a good ole' boys club, there isn't anything I can do about that. If you haven't been there 20 plus years, you are basically nothing.  I seriously am treated - as are others there - like a machine.  Input data, tell  it what to do, push the start button and off the machine goes. I wouldn't actually mind that if the pay were good enough to compensate.
____________________________

Monday, post-work.  Didn't sleep worth crap last night.  Maybe 3 or 4 hours of sleep and that was it, which caused me to have a headache all day long at work.  I felt like going home all day, but the manager isn't speaking to me and I wasn't going to bridge the gap. Screw it. The big wigs were no shows until 4:30 pm, and only one of them showed up.  The district manager had a good friend die and the wake was today, etc.

So, showing up that late in the day and having no desire to get into that kind of conversation with that kind of headache going, I just worked until the clock expired, clocked out and got the bleep out of there.  Raining all day long to boot, was wet most of thee day even though I had a rain coat on, I didn't have any rain slicks for pants and my boots aren't waterproof.  Nothing like working with wet feet in wet socks.

Basically, a miserable day and very happy to be home.  Hot meal was waiting for me and I was thankful for that as well.  I'm guessing the GM will be there tomorrow since he showed up so late today and this situation will be dealt with - one way or the other.

Even if they don't give me the boot out of there, I'm not sure I can deal with this bs for another 3 months.  That's my son's wedding in August and if I find a new job before then, they will have to agree to let me have at least 4 or 5 days off, even if unpaid leave.

Well that's it.  I'm toast.  I was going to have some report on my job status at that place or the outcome of the meeting, but, not today.  Thank God not today.  I was/am in no mood to listen to that manager spouting off.

I would like to say that things are going better at work. They are not.  Not that I made any claims that it was going to. But today?

Lol.

The manager believes that I should be responsible for someone else's pulling errors, of which I have balked it from the first day he tried to introduce it.  How am I responsible for someone else's mistakes?  Because you put it on the truck, you should have checked.  I should have checked something that had at least 2 people check the order and verify that it was there and then told me that it was good to go?  LMAO!

Today. Lol. I have to laugh, because I could get very angry at this point. This manager, who always singles me out for someone else's bullshit - seriously that is the way it goes - started to do the same thing today.  3 fire hydrants were missing, I know because I was pulling the order and looking for them this morning.  Good Lord, to go through all of what occurred today would take a lot of writing.  Going to try to narrow it down.  Skipping a lot of stuff, because I don't have a lot of time, it came down to the manager sending people out all over the place looking for these hydrants at job sites.  Everywhere.  I mean, 3 different people.  Anyway, it came up to a jobsite where I had delivered the material.

But, the paperwork showed that I did not pull the order.  Of course not, I'm not going to make those kinds of mistakes.  I may make a small mistake very infrequently, but not 3 fire hydrants. That's 2 grand a piece error.  Anyway, I got out my phone and started recording He looked at me and asked me what I was doing with my phone? And demanded to look at it.  Whether it's right or wrong, what the hell  business does this guy have asking me to look at my phone. But, I thought hey, this guy is going to know and there won't be any statements of how he didn't know and in those thoughts, I knew this would go to hell.  So I showed him. Well what is that?  I'm recording this meeting.  Why?  Because you are going to get angry, obviously, and I'm going to get it recorded.

Of course, he blew up. Shut the meeting down, told me we were going to his office. Sure, why not? We get outside, he gets on the phone and calls the GM. He is having a literal cow about this. He takes a snipe at me, I started to reply, though not in kind. NO, we are doing this in MY office. Oh really? I replied. YOU started this out HERE.  The GM is on the phone with him, hearing whatever he could.  I would love to go into the details, but I don't have time.  The most important one, though, was when the manager was telling the GM that I had made a pulling error on a ticket.  No, I loudly interrupted, I did NOT.  He said yes you did, and I said no, I'm not just going to stand here listening to you telling lies to the GM.  Yes, I know what the implications of calling your manager a liar is, that doesn't matter to me anymore.

He put the phone down and became infuriated. YOU don't call ME a liar, I can put up with a lot of stuff, but I will not tolerate you calling me a liar. Well, I replied, if you are going to state something that isn't true that you know isn't true, then yes, I'm going to call it a lie.  He went storming off.  I was amused at his childishness.

_______________________________________________

So now it's the next day.  Didn't get to finish that. But today was exactly as I expected it to be.  And I don't care anymore.  So there is that.  I was put out of all trucks and worked the yard all day long.  I had a smile on my face and a tune on my lips whistling.  It was a beautiful day.  I pulled out a large amount of pipe that took 2/3rds of the day to do for an order going to somewhere near Little Rock tomorrow.  Of course, all that work and I don't get to take the load, but guess what? I don't care.

Instead, I get into the truck that that driver normally drives - which I have been wanting in for quite a while anyway.  I haven't bothered to tell anyone that, most certainly not the manager.  I drive the big truck, fine. That little truck gets runs all over the place.  He's working all day long, gets more hours because of it and this is the driver that got fired for having TCP in his system.  So it's whatever.  The manager didn't want anything to do with me today, he is butt hurt that I called him a liar. Well, don't lie to your boss and I won't call you one.  Tried to lecture me yesterday on respect. Respect given is respect earned, you have anger problems.

He would have fired me long ago if he had that power.  But he doesn't.  That's the GM's purview.  So, these big wigs are coming up Monday I think they said, not for this situation but now they are going to include it.  I'm going to play it totally cool.  Low tones, no excited responses to outrageous statements from my manager.  I'm going to make myself look like the cool customer and this dude the buffoon that he is.  I may very well get let go, though.  This "manager" has been here for 30 years.  He has a bad reptuation, but apparently alot of hat has been hidden. The GM knew nothing about his history, of which I informed him since he asked.  Like bending one of the salesman over backwards on his truck and threatening to beat the s*** out of him.

Hmm, re-reading what I wrote yesterday, I left out the fact that I spoke with the GM on the phone for about an hour.  I can read the writing on the wall.  I have no problem standing up for myself, regardless of whether anyone else in that place is too afraid to lose their jobs. Is a job that valuable to lose your inner peace over? Or to allow a mortal to inflict such abuse through foul verbiage that you should just sit there and take it? Is there not more to life?  We went back and forth on the phone. Bypassing a whole lot of conversation, Well, if one of us has to go, he's been here 30 years and you aren't going to fire a manager.  He actually gave me a compliment.  You're a great worker, you add a lot to the company I wouldn't want to lose you either.  But I dunno if he just felt obliged to say that or what.

Anyway, today was a long day working out there but, it was worth it to show that I would just keep a good spirit about me, deal with multiple customers, pull orders, sweep concrete, all kinds of stuff.

And, my next paycheck is going to suck badly since it's going to be short many OT hours.  All because of this man's anger, leading to vindictiveness, leading to retaliation. But if you say that to the GM, no way is he doing that.  Lolol.  Okay then.

I'm preparing myself for them telling me to get in line whenever this occurs next week instead of him.  But, I'm going to prepare myself for this, this weekend. Go through every conceivable thing that could happen, issue that is brought up, "button pushing" that may be brought against me and think through how I'm going to respond.  Yes, I have something to prove here whether I stay at that place or not (and most likely not by my own choosing regardless of what they do).

Anyway, I actually have to be at work by around 6:45 am tomorrow, to have the truck leaving the yard at 7:00 am. OT? In this manager's current state of mind? Heck no.  Lol, he'll just make me leave earlier.  It's juvenile, pathetic and telling of his nature.  His is god of that place and you best bow down and worship him. Must be quite humiliating for him not to have firing power.  He may get his final revenge next week, who knows. I'm not fretting it at all. If that happens, it means to me it was time to leave.

________________________

Okay well this post has been days in the making. It's now Thursday, was sent home from work at 3:00 pm.  Verification that his ire and anger against me about calling him a liar - completely justified since he was, indeed, lying, right in front of me, to his boss on the phone so I heard with my own ears what he was saying - coming from other drivers who are saying he is spouting off at the mouth behind my back about all of this.  Which I could care less about, let his pathetic little self spout off.  I decided a while ago to start selectively looking for a new job.  Meaning, only places I think would be a good fit for me and will provide excellent pay.

If I'm going to switch jobs, might as well bust this up to 70k range. I'm specifically looking for local chemical or gas/fuel hauling.  No experience, whatsoever, in that field, but I know it pays well and I am a fast learner.  Mostly, I am preparing myself for come what may next week.  The regional director is supposedly a laid back man, I'll find out next week I guess. Didn't really ask for a meeting with any of them, but that is forced due to the situation going on here. Remember that my immediate manager does not have firing power.

I got let off early because I started early, btw, but at 8 hours a day with the money I'm making and eliminating OT?  No can do.  But, the main thing here isn't pay, it's the manager.  It's an insufferable situation that needs to be rectified.  When the GM starts asking if I would be willing to relocate - well, that isn't really a good sign. It means he knows I do an excellent job but also means that this situation has to have a change.  It can't go on like this.  I understand that, agree to it completely.  I didn't want to admit this with him, but I don't see this situation getting any better.  The reason I didn't is because I am hopeful that some artificial band aid will be applied that I can still there a little while long where i can take time off, get paid for it and spend that time devoted to finding a new job and also getting away from that place.  It is a toxic environment there.

Well that's enough for this one.

Saturday and sundry stuff....

I have the house to myself for at least the next 5 days : ) The lady tenant went to meet "internet friends" that she has allegedly known for couple of years. I have actually had several such encounters and they all turned out very well. However, considering how she handles herself and her speech, I have to wonder about this.

The dude went to Dallas to visit his uncle, who is allegedly rich and is going to buy him a set of tires for his truck in return for some sort of labor.  No offense to the tenant, but his physical health is horrid, I have no idea how he thinks he can do much of anything. He spend most of his time in a large recliner watching TV. He pays an extra $100 per month on the rent to pay for a very large amount of extra channels on DTV.

But, I am glad to have the place to myself for awhile, no complaints there.  Me and the dogs.  Could do that for a very long period of time and not get bored with it.

I finally called the shop today that has the Jeep.  I had figured them right.  They have a very good reputation around town here, including the Sheriff's department who brings their vehicles there for service and repair.  I mean, this guy went into a litany of things they have done to try and resolve this problem.  All the sensors that whoever had replaced with off-market brands they replaced with OEM.  I really don't even remember all that this guy listed off until he got to the cracked head deal. They have been doing online research. I did too before I even had them over, but my research suggested that the computer is probably bad.  It also suggested that even brand new computers have issues and don't work right.

I am suspect of a cracked head though.  A compression problem would be consistent, at least I would think.  How does the thing run fine for 25 miles on a cracked head, then run bad and then turn it off and then it runs fine again?  Nah, bro, I am still guessing a fuel suction problem in the fuel tank. Like there is something in there that obstructs the delivery of fuel at any given point.  I would be pulling the fuel tank off and inspecting it, but that's me.  And since I am now off the hook on paying for all of this experimentation, they can do whatever they want, but taking the head off and having it inspected is a some amount of labor. Still, the head mechanic over there has labeled the thing as a challenge and they say they aren't giving up on it until they figure it out.

Good luck!  Please strike the "find the problem" jackpot soon cause my Polaris is all but finished -got the right  wheel spacers in today.  I think they are anyway, I'll find out tomorrow when I try to install them.  The other one I ordered a new sprocket/chain set and I will be jacking that thing up and removing everything I need to to get at that oil drain plug.  The kid next door did an oil change or his friends or whoever and stripped the threads. I'm thinking either tapping out a larger hole/thread or insert a helicoil.Not my first rodeo with damaged threads.  Just ridiculous that it occurred on a oil drain plug.

So anyway, I put in a bid one used rear fender for the thing for $50. Shipping is $130. Yup, they are making money off the shipping.  But, it's still cheaper than much of whatever else I have been able to find.  However, the seller had a "free local pickup" option.  Yes!  Thank you, I'll take that, I thought and paid the $50 for it.  The seller accepted the $50 offer and now? Probably not going to like the results.  But, it's their deal, perhaps they didn't think anyone would take them up on it. And not, it doesn't cost $130 to send a probably 15 pound plastic fender.  Sorry. Now, wait to see what happens.

Work.  Well let's see.  I come back from a run on Thursday and the manager is standing in the shed with a small group of people.  Didn't really think anything about it.  I get out of truck and he is facing me, asks to see the ticket.  No clue what's going on here, at all.  I walk over, hand him the ticket and then he starts in on me.  He's just itching to find me doing anything wrong.  He  is obviously in another one of his anger fits.  The problem?  I forgot to put a pallet on the truck for the delivery and he wants to know why.  Ummm, no, actually, I didn't forget anything.  He is standing there demanding that the wrapping station be removed - he wanted it gone.  I was ready to quit yet one more time.  I am a truck driver, not a parts puller and shrink wrapper.  I do all that junk but it isn't in my job description.  To shrink wrap a pallet that is sitting on the ground is back breaking, literally. Your back hurts and it's very difficult.

So, he started in on his stupid speech about the pallet and how was it missed?  I continued on about the wrapping station.  This man doesn't have a clue what he is talking about.  When it comes to the actual physical work of getting orders pulled, he is simply and completely ignorant.  Add to that an anger problem and add to that knee jerk reactions. On top of that making judgments without facts and what you really have is a blooming idiot.  He was getting visibly angrier by the second as I continued to push the wrapping station, interrupting him because why? Because he is a total asshole and I don't give a damn about that place anymore because of him and his bullshit.  Sorry for the language but that's how I feel about it.

So, he stops his line of ignorant rhetoric and points at an inside salesman. Go get the wrapping station and bring it back here.  The dude goes and gets it, sets it down and now back to this pallet that "is sitting right there".  It wasn't sitting right there when I loaded the truck and was shrink wrapping everything.  How o you miss this? This dude is so caught up in himself, if you think Trump is a narcissist, this dude has him beat by a country mile.  Everything is about him.  Anyway, others spoke up since I didn't pull the order - which is what I continued to say over and over. I didn't pull this order, I had no idea this pallet was a part of this order, it wasn't out there with the rest of the pallets.  Finally, in his desperate attempt to "catch" me doing something wrong, he said, well, did you ask if that was everything?  I always ask if this is everything if I didn't pull the order.  Oh, well who did you ask?  This dude is a piece of dogshit with legs.  I despise working there now.  I hate going to work anymore.  I'm just trying to last 3 more months until my son has his wedding, take a week and a half off and perhaps never go back to the place, I dunno.

Anyway, I pointed at the warehouse manager - I asked him. Who?  Tony - pointing at him. Now, the manager's tones change substantially.  So you asked him if that was everything? This is 3 times now that he has asked me the same effing question.  YES.  Those two are buddy-buddy - good ole' boys club - the manager won't rail on him like he does the rest of us "underlings".  After all of that bullshit - calling me out yet again in front of everyone in a fit of anger - he is proven wrong, once again.

So, the next morning - yesterday - I come into work to find the wrapping station planted directly in front of the warehouse.  This is their retaliation, to make us bring everything clear over to the warehouse and do it there.  But, it's also a safety issue since customers are driving up and parking right next to it all day long.  The other "main" driver approached the manager about it, this isn't safe.  The manager said it's fine. He said no, this is going to be an issue.  Well, I have my own form of retaliation here. Since the warehouse manage says he isn't walking over there any more - where the wrapping station used to be - to check orders, I'm going to start dumping the product right in front of the warehouse.  I don't care if it's 15 pallets.  That will start a war, but this dude said he isn't walking over there anymore, so fine.  I'll block the entire place up with pallets and hydrants and valves and we'll see what happens. It is also only a matter of time before someone backs into a car with on of those huge forklifts and the only thing that anyone will have been able to say is: I told you so.

So, now I have to really start thinking about a new job.  The problem is, how do I get a good reference? It is almost guaranteed he won't give a good reference for me, the man is too vindictive and caught up in himself to give anyone kudos.  I am going to have to contact the GM in Phoenix to see if I can use him as a reference.  Or move back to Phoenix haha and get my old job back.  I left on good terms there.

So that's that.  It's Saturday, I slept in this morning and about to go outside and try to finish the big 4 wheeler. I'm almost there.  I ordered wheel spacers and they sent me the wrong ones.  I sent those back and got credited for them and now have new ones that arrived yesterday on my doorstep.  About to go out and find out if they are the right size. I would like t get this project over with, button everything back up and be done with it and move on to the other 4 wheeler that needs work done to it.  I can't really do anything until the Jeep is fixed - if it ever does get fixed - but I would like to have these machines ready to go if/when it is.  I am actively bidding on other atv's that need work.  Buy one cheap, fix it and then have 3 for all of us to go riding.  So far no luck, mostly because I have no way to get the machine over here and no one wants to transport it for me.  Which kinda sucks because some really good deals have come and gone.

Oh, and the lady friend that owns the house is considering moving back here without the hubby.  She hates it over there, she misses her friends and her job says they will hire her back on the spot the day she moves back here.  So, she contacted me a few days ago asking how long we have to give these folks to move out? A month, minimum.  That's usually the law in any state but also just good practice.  You can't expect a person to just go hunt down a new place to live in a few days and get everything set up for moving out, that would be wrong, IMO.  I would rather give them at least 2 months since they are on fixed income and moving pretty much leaves them broke.  I'll probably help them out when they do have to move.  They have indicated they want a place around here, so I may also help them with that.  They have no credit at all and anyplace wanting to do credit checks they aren't going to qualify for it.  I kinda wish I had the wherewithal to buy a house, there are several of them for sale on this street and the next and they are going cheap enough.

An owner finance situation would be good too, but nothing like that available right now.  They have a friend that would move in with them - you need minimum 3 people paying rent to make something like that work.  A house would have to be furnished as well. Well not the bedrooms but everything else.  But, owner finance would likely want at least 10% down.  Out of the question right now..

Oh well. Cross that bridge when it comes.  They may change their mind and move out of the area altogether.  They also may end up going separate ways.  She has "issues" that are life long and aren't going away.  She hates men, she told me a while back and she also cannot handle her liquor.  She likes to drink but when she overdoes it, she goes haywire.  In that sense, the owners moving back here can't happen soon enough.  In the sense of eating, though, she cooks all the time and is very good at it.

Well enough of this, I have stuff to do.

It was an interesting conversation.
My mom texted m this last weekend wanting me to call her.  Well I was a bit busy with the homeowner coming to town and coming here first.  She just had a baby - 7 weeks old - and she was bringing the newborn for me to see and to see the house and spend some time together.  She left Georgia for 3 weeks because hubby went on a work travel scenario in North Carolina.

It was very wonderful to see her and the new addition to the family.  Spent the afternoon together.  One of her friends came over as well.  I really miss them, They became true friends after we were living together for extended period of time.  She informed me - again - that I am stuck with them forever.  It is truly an amazing feeling to have people that love you more than your own family. Save my mom of course. Well anyway, we - her and I and the baby - went to Chili's and we spent a couple of hours conversing and having a few drinks. That was on Sunday and it was a great day.  Really was.

Anyway, I called mom yesterday.  She started right in on her proposal.  You see, she gave my oldest brother power-of-attorney over her if something happens to her. But, legally, that ends at death.  At death, you need an executor of estate.  Apparently her lawyer has been advising her about this - there IS no executor of estate and she needs one.  In Arizona, the state becomes the executor and that is a hellish nightmare from every account I have read over the years - which are not few.

Well, my middle brother basically went psycho on me earlier this year.  I wrote about that here I think, not going to go much into it excepting to say that the rest of the family that saw that thought he was losing his marbles.  It was extended text messages in a group setting that were all but telling me I am going to hell, to put it in a way to let the reader understand his rage.

So anyway, she said my oldest brother agreed to her proposal to be the executor of state.  I said fine, I trust him.  He's successful, already has lots of money, had a financial adviser tell him he could retire now with this current portfolio.  I have never seen him as a greedy, self-oriented person. I have seen him as a godless, Christ despising person that is stuck up in his ways and avoids family like the plague. But when it comes to something like this, I don't believe he would go afoul.  Of course in the end and when it happens that may not hold water, but I am hopeful since that is what mom obviously wanted and I wasn't going to raise an objection.

However, my oldest brother told her that he was hesitant about taking that position because of one thing.  "I'm hesitant to tell you this", she says.  Why? I'm wondering and asking.  Well, she says, he remembers when you took a corporation to court, the mobile home park with a high profile lawyer and you won.  Yes I did. I devoted an extensive amount of my personal time to reading about the rules of the court, going to the library and looking up cases in books that had court cases in them to find the information I needed.  I exhausted myself in the brain taking in large quantities of information I had not otherwise been exposed to before.  I became educated enough in my own right to take on a lawyer that had office space on the 12th floor in a downtown Phoenix high rise.  I'm not exactly saying I beat her because of all of that, but it certainly didn't hurt.

He, my oldest brother, was fearful that I would bring that upon him.  I asked mom how even knew about that situation? I don't remember ever telling anyone but mom about what I was doing during that time.  She said the same thing, she never remembered me saying that to family and since family doesn't come together but once a year, highly unlikely I would bring that up at Christmas.

I actually found that humorous.  My oldest brother, the man who cares about family not and discounts all of us, giving me credence for the win against the park?  Actually, it was a win against a Chinese bank that owned the park and hired that lawyer to defend themselves.  Sometimes, when you know you're right? You're right and your opposition can pay however much and you still aren't going to lose.

Haha. I had to laugh at that. In fact, it was much more lighthearted conversation than mom expected.  I expect my brother to deal with it righteously and if he doesn't, he can expect to get a heap full of trouble in return. But, even that mom said: "the trust includes a provision that is defends itself".  Which means, whoever is executioner has no choice but to "behave" and divide it all 3 ways.  I never start these conversations. I would rather my mom stay alive and lucid for a long time to come.

Anyway, that reservation that my brother gave only gave me some confidence in agreeing with her.   I'm fine with that.  You see, if I were the executioner of state, my middle brother would have a cow about it.  He is selfish, angry and hateful.  When mom hands out some thing of sentimental value, he always goes hog shit crazy over it. "Why did HE get that?".  It is an obvious choice, my oldest brother, but I still suspect that when this event occurs, there is still going to be problems with the middle brother.  HE may actually start court trouble.  Which will cost the inheritance, but I don't think that would bother him.  Oh, excepting the cost to HIM to initiate it.  Expensive, time consuming and emotionally draining.

So, besides laughing about old times and some of the stuff going on in this neighborhood, that was that on that conversation.  `

They came and took my Jeep 2 weeks ago and I have heard nothing back. They are obviously stumped on it and I'm not going to even call them. Let them call me when they figure it out. If they don't, then we will be discussing a refund of my money and they can take the Jeep for themselves.  I am not going to voluntarily eat that much money for what amounts to nothing in return. But, so far, I have said nothing like that to them.  They were so confident to figure this out, let them figure it out.

It was going to be a backup for my car, which is going into the "mega miles" range, at least as far as I'm concerned. It's in the 160k range and that to me is a lot.  I have read about these cars going over 300k. Great, but I am not so confident.  I would have rather had a backup vehicle that also serves for recreational purposes than have to go into debt on a new vehicle.  I'm driving the wheels off that car.  It has numerous issues, but none of it related to mechanical problems, just cosmetics and things that don't need to work for a car to be driven  I'm actually quite tired of that thing, I have driven it for many years now, I would like something different, which does not mean new.  I think it's been 9 years now on that car.

I'm happy to not have car payments, though, so right now, it's going to stay that way unless the thing has a major breakdown. A minor breakdown, no biggies.  The Jeep situation is very disappointing and facing potential litigation.  I may not win that one, but then again, they guaranteed me they could fix it. It's not in writing, that's the only problem with that.  I am still believing they are interested in finding out what's wrong with it and fixing it. It's a small town and in a conservative community where people still value their word.  That is why I have said nothing to them since they took it almost 2 weeks ago.  Don't provoke them, let them spend whatever spare time they have attempting to figure out what's wrong with it.  I'm at the point where I won't give  them any more money though.

The tenants who are friends had it out again 2 nights ago.  I had my bedroom door open and they were apparently pushing each other around - but I heard none of it, therefore I didn't know it was going on.  It's a long story that I don't want to go into, just not worth that much time typing.  But, apparently she assaulted him.  She hates men. Yes, that came from her own mouth in a conversation I was having with her over a month ago.  She has issues that need counseling.  She also cannot handle her liquor - when she gets a hold of a bottle, she drinks to much and then goes berserk.  I am thankful for having a phone that also doubles as a video camera, though this wasn't about me? I was still taking video after I was approached by the dude about it and I saw what was going on.

Life is never paradise with tenants, but some of it is just too much.  This is why I have attempted to make myself an exemplary tenant when my friends were here occupying their house.  Leave a light footprint and don't start a lot of shit and don't complain about too much. If there is something I don't like, I fix it and that's that.

Speaking of fixing things, the Polaris is almost up and running.  I was done with it last weekend until I put the tires back on and saw the tierods literally up against the tires.  Yup, not just slightly rubbing against them, this is 'damage them to the point of corrupting them' stuff.  My unending education on 4 wheelers continues.  I found out that many people experience this when they buy larger tires, something that is unexpected. There are 2 options, I found out.  Either put in wheel spacers or put on "offset" wheel rims.  Upon seemingly endless searching the result was to buy wheel spacers over much more expensive new wheels. I don't I don't need new wheels.

So, I ordered 2 spacers for the front wheels, 1 inch thick.  I received them today.  2 spacers, 2 inches thick, much more than I wanted.  I kinda think stuff like having wheels protruding from the sides looks stupid.  However, the male tenant explained to me today that offset wheels from the front to the back actually help with 4 wheeling through mud in acquiring different tracks and more traction.  Oh.  Well don't ya know.  Learn something new everyday.  My search didn't include anything of that nature.  Just, how do you compensate for larger tires? I had actually thought of putting on washers before looking it up, but everyone said the same thing about that idea: not!  Well, I guess I have to order lug nuts now.  Why they don't include them with the spacers or even suggest an option to buy them, no clue.

Well that isn't everything, but that's enough for tonight : )

My friend (now) the homeowner came by today.  She left Georgia to go visit in-laws in Arkansas while hubby is away on extended assignment in North Carolina.  She decided to come down here for a visit and bring the 7 week old newborn as well.  Well, the boy isn't going anywhere without mama that young and being breast-fed lol.

We visited for several hours at the house, a friend that I also know of hers came over as well. The next door neighbor also stopped by and we had a great conversation.  That all ended when Taylor - the lady friend and homeowner - wanted to go to Chili's and we left. Just her and the baby and I.  It was a pleasant afternoon and I was wishing they could move back - like now?  lol  Not that the tenants are bad people but they aren't friends like these folks are.  She continued on with her statement that " you are stuck with us forever".  I'm not sure how we hit it off so well, but it's nice to have friends that actually care.

Anyway, the Jeep is still in the shop for the third time. It's been there for almost 2 weeks - this time -now.  Very disappointing.  I could have bought something else with that much money and if they can't figure it out, I'm out a chunk of change.  A very large chunk of change at that.  I'll part it out before i take a total loss, but that is a lot of work.

Work is the same. Very unhappy people working there.  Not just me.  Pretty much everyone there.  The only happy people are the salesmen, the rest are all stuck in this cycle of whining and complaining about everything that goes on there. Everyone gets talked about behind their backs. Several people are getting up there in years and a couple for sure should be retiring - or so you would think.  The warehouse manager is 64 years old. He is guesstimating around 350 pounds - maybe 400 - has a hard time getting around with ankle and foot problems - that probably because he weighs so much and the job requires him to be on his feet much of the day.  The manager has toned down his rhetoric quite a lot, at least with me.

It's a dilemma for me.  Right now, I'm attempting to stick it out until August so I can take a week off for my son's wedding.  If I'm going to CA, I'm going to be at his wedding but also going to go to the beach and do some things there and enjoy myself. It's kinda taken the place of my hope of finally flying over the ocean.  That's about 4 more months, probably can do that as long as the manager doesn't switch back to his old ways. I'm not saying there is anything even remotely close to a 100% improvement, but anything from what it was is a miracle.

I don't really have any great things going on in my life right now. My adventurous days aren't over, just on hold.  I think.  There are definitely better things I could be doing with my time than what I am doing currently, but the motivation levels aren't that high.  It's enough at this moment in time to get to work and back 5 days a week and endure that hell hole until something different comes along.

Anyway, it's almost my bedtime, just haven't written anything in a while.

I've always wondered how I could make some extra money doing something I - mostly - enjoy doing.  Fixing other people's ATV"s? Naw.  You have to deal with time deadlines and if your fix doesn't work, potentially irate customers. But, what if I bought non-working ATV's and fixed them, resell them and make some profit?

I see them literally on a daily basis on numerous, local, Facebook, for-sale forums.   Buy one, fix it at my own pace, resell it.  These people are selling them for pennies on the dollar, literally.  It doesn't work, no-one wants to pay too much for them, who knows what  are getting yourself into.  It worked the last time we tried, but now it won't fire up.  Probably carburetor.  Anyway, now htat I have delved into an elongated repair on my Polaris,

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I started this last week, actually.  Just got side-tracked.  I'm completely sold on at least trying the idea of buying and reselling ATV's.  If they run, they sell around here.  I'm in numerous local FB groups and I don't see ATV's not selling - except the ones that don't work.  I think it's at least worth a try.  Maybe get it going slowly - my experience with ATV's is limited to the two brands I have, but I have found that YouTube has endless videos on repairing - anything on earth actually.  This is something I could dabble my feet into without a huge amount of output and see if there is actually a profit to be made in it versus the time spent buying them, fixing them and selling them.  And the money spent of course, but time is also valuable.

This isn't something that has to wait for anything - except - my Jeep.  They called me on Friday, said it was done and then....said it isn't done, we'll get back to you.  I wouldn't be laughing if I were paying for all of this, but my monetary involvement, as far as they're concerned is over, per their statement, unsolicited but glad to hear.  They are intent on getting the thing running right come what may.  I'm glad they are, I wasn't intent on spending endless money on endless man hours. It's obvious they are fooling with it in between jobs when there is down time. I'm not pushing them at all about this.  So, I dunno. It's Wednesday night and I have heard nothing this week yet and I likely won't hear anything until Friday.  Or not, who knows?

My gun is done, but it's in the next town over - of which I rarely go to.  I'll make a trip over there this weekend.  I wanted to get my stuff out of storage with the Jeep and pick up the gun, but I hold out no hopes on the Jeep until they tell me it's fixed. I fear they will tell me they can't fix and I just dumped a bunch of money into a dead horse.  Lord PLEASE don't allow that to happen, is my pleading.  I may just see if I can shove it all into my car - but I know I can't.  The intent of the Jeep and getting a trailer was to be able to haul the 4 wheelers out on fun times and also to haul whatever else I need to haul.  If I"ve spent all this money on a vehicle that can't be repaired, I'm going to be a very unhappy person. These people guaranteed that they could get this thing fixed from the first phone call. To the point they came and got it: "Oh yea, we have a guy that can fix anything" to every trip over there, every conversation.

This is starting to get old.....

Parts. And more parts. And sending the wrong parts back.
The front axles on my Polaris have turned into a huge headache.
They did send the wrong ones, after all, even though the description in the header said it would fit my model.
So, not only do I have to send these things back, I have to pay the shipping for it and I"m sure that isn't cheap for something that heavy.

The thing about it is, there are several different variations of this axle that sellers on ebay and other places are saying will fit my particular model, and no, they won't. I've now become an expert and will be buying the correct set today, probably, meaning again waiting until next weekend to put the blooming thing back together.  This has been going on for a while now and yes,  I'm starting to get burnt out on it.

The Jeep should be done tomorrow or the next day.  Meaning if I had the Polaris running, I could go riding this coming weekend.  Instead, I'll be sitting around trying to put they whole mess back together.  Of course, I could pull the trigger on another ATV and just go that route.

It's whatever at this point. It will take as long as it takes and oh well.  It was, however, rather a let down to come to the understanding that I wouldn't be able to put that side back together - yesterday - and have it done and then pull the other side apart.  I think I could do this stuff with my eyes closed now I have done so much of it.  In fact, the more I get into it, the more I am convinced that I could do ATV repair on the side.  Bearings, axles, U-joints, more bearings, starters, drive belts, brakes, whatever.  Not that much different than a car.  It's just plain old mechanics and these things have carburetors on them so that makes fuel issues much easier than if they had fuel injection.  Although, getting at a carburetor on a 4 wheeler is a job in itself. You have to remove a lot of stuff on one to get at it.

But at this point, I've done all of it. Chains, sprockets, carrier bearings, between the 2 4 wheelers I've gotten my hands dirty in all of it and have had them running again in perfect order after I was done.

Just something I am considering, though it would be just one more thing to consume my time.

Other things I wish I could talk about, but, it would probably not end well for that person, so I'll keep quiet about that.

However, the kid driver at work is very unhappy there - and likewise management is very unhappy with him and giving him clues he best find greener pastures.  He said he has a job offer to operate a refueling truck that goes to jobsite and fuels up heavy machinery making almost $20 per hour and 60 hours per week.  Well why wouldn't you take it?  Anyway, Friday he said: "if you get a text from me saying it's been nice knowing you, that's the sign that I'm quitting here".  Ooookaaaayyyy.  Go right ahead.  Will give me my hours back and I will be busy all day long.

This week, as it stood, I was stuck in the yard for about 3/4's of it. They now have apparently assigned us to trucks, which is all well and fine, but the semi doesn't always stay busy and some weeks it's barely used at all.  That gets kinda boring because there isn't that much to do around the yard.  Put stuff away that comes in, cleanup, and that's about it. If this dude quit, that would leave us without a 3rd driver for a while and that would be optimal.

And, the lady tenant is apparently making breakfast without bothering to ask whether anyone wants any.  It's nice that she goes to the trouble, but I'm not a big breakfast person, I'm not hungry to be frank.  Plus, she makes pancakes - which I can eat every 6 months or so, but not every weekend. The problem is, you say something in a non-confrontational way and she still doesn't get it.  Well, she got it from the other tenant who informed her wasting a bunch of food by throwing it out all the time is ridiculous and we need to eat leftovers more often.  We had that talk while she was on vacation.  The end result is yes, we are eating leftovers much more often and the food waste has gone way down, to the point I can deal with it.

Addler - the Great Dane - is doing quite well, he's such a good doggy.  He's so very obedient and ready to please. Of course, I went to the bathroom a while ago and came back to find him occupying half the couch! lol The German Shepherd - Aspyn - is doing good excepting for her habit of jumping the fence and taking off.  That has gotten her tied up on a chain or in a kennel while I'm at work.  Oh, and speaking of that, the lady tenant has also backed way off of taking "control" of my dogs.  That was also beginning to irritate me greatly.

Other than that, just the same old stuff.  Saving up money to give to Caleb for his wedding.  Waiting to pull the trigger on airfare.  Also waiting to hear if I'll have any part of the ceremony.  No clue there.  Not that I have to, but it would be nice to have some minor role in it.  Just because I'm his dad.  I'll be happy to go and attend, watch him go off to wherever they are going to go to have their honeymoon and wait for grandbabies lol.

Well, it's Sunday. Beautiful weather. Perfect for riding.

Haven't heard anything from my dad - he doesn't write or call anymore, I have to call him and I'm told he doesn't remember the phone call shortly after calling him.  I sent cards for Christmas and heard nothing back.  I'm resolved to the fact that he is being taken care of by what are mostly just complete strangers that I have met, spent some time with, but are hostile to us offspring of my dad's.  Apparently he was in the hospital in January but nothing so much as a phone call to let me know.  I am the only one in my family that is interested in his well being, but it's discouraging that they won't keep in contact at all.

Well, besides the theater that is the world in politics as we know it today, nothing much else going on.  Still working on my credit and Fingerhut still playing games with it.  They reduced it by $600 - which dug a grave in my credit score and now have raised it up a grand.  It's hard to just get rid of a source of credit, it can ding your score as well, but perhaps time to part ways with them.  I was going to contact them about this habit of theirs of bumping up the credit and then reducing it.  What is that all about? Leave it lower if that's the case, I owe them maybe a hundred dollars, I think my credit line with them is over 3 grand.

I did open up another account - but I won't use it. It's another credit card, it bumps up the amount of available credit was the intended result.  I was going to do another but it's too many inquires on my credit score if I keep doing that, which then has a negative impact on my credit. This credit score stuff is fairly perplexing at times.  You think you're doing something to help it - and it does - but then something else happens that drops it.  I make my payments on time, I am paying it down, don't know what else to do.

Well enough of this. Going to go finish a few projects that I started last weekend.

So, yesterday at work I started feeling ill.  Dunno, just didn't feel good.  After 2 hours of it I finally decided it was time to go home and lay down. Which is exactly what I did. Figuring no point in coming back today, I tried to call the manager this morning 3 times.  He was too busy.  Oh well, left a message with the receptionist that I was still sick and was staying home, since the 2cd message he didn't return my phone call and on the 3rd call, I found out he had left.

I am going to try to endure it there until after my son's wedding in August so I can take at least a week off for that - if I'm flying to California I'm going to have a vacation above and beyond my sons's wedding.  He can go wherever he's going to go and have his honeymoon, I'll go spend some time on a beach.  And whatever else the Oakland area may have to offer.  That's my thought on it anyway.

After that, I will definitely look for a new job until I find one.  I don't see this situation getting better at work.  The "new" manager told the other good driver that since he saw him smoking a cigarette over in the shed, he is going to send him home.  The point? Nothing was told him to do.  Now look here.  Our primary job is driver.  We are the people that actually get the product out.  Most of the time it is very busy, but there are slow times. At the end of the month, the numbers play out and the money is made. Yet, this dude takes his selfish bs out on the people that actually do the footwork to make all of this happen.

I've lost sleep over this, literally.  Do I stay because of the sake of benefits or tell this stuck up, self-made-god to stick it where the sun don't shine.  Probably neither.  I'll definitely look for a new job and that will be that.  I still have 110 hours of vacation left plus 3 floating holidays and 3 personal days and 10 sick days.  Well, yesterday and today are covered under sick.  Lots left to go before August.

I can't possibly imagine, after seeing all that is going on, working for this man for another 6 years until he retires.  In fact, from what I can see, he neither appreciates our work and could care less if we leave.  But, I can't spend too much time on this particular subject for it is grievous at best.

I should have gone to college in my 40's when I thought of it.  Lots of looking back on things, looking at decisions made.  My issue was the cost and the result.  I dunno.

Onto other things.  Finally got the Jeep.  Drove it home - about 3 miles.  I ran it up to the first stop light and it was running very nicely.  But at the stop light, it was kind of idling a bit rough.  However, while driving, it runs like a champ and has a LOT of get up and go.  I was impressed with that.  I have insurance on it but still no title or registration, though it still has their plates on it.  I want to drive the heck out of the thing for a week and see what happens, basically.  That would mean, basically, just driving it to work and back.

Oh, yes, I went to get the title switched over to my name yesterday after I came home, slept for a while and decided that I needed to get this stuff done while I am off and have time for it no matter how miserably I am feeling.  They told me at the DMV I have to have a bill of sale.  What? I have a signed title here.  Not good enough, according to them.  Okayyyyyy.  In Arizona, the title is all you need, they don't ask for nor do they want a bill of sale.  So, my friends are sending me a bill of sale, but that also means having to take off work early some day next week to get it done since the DMV isn't open after 5 and definitely not on weekends.

Meanwhile, I went and bought a trailer today.  I have been looking for quite a while, this one was the best for the money I was willing to spend.  A 16 foot overall length trailer, about as big as I wanted to get without taking up too much space in the driveway.  This thing was made out of angle iron and whoever previously owned it before the guy I bought from had significantly beefed up the tongue.  I mean, far more weight capability than anything I'm going to do with it.  The story of why they got rid of it was pretty sad though. THEY had bought that trailer many years back for hauling 4 wheelers all over the place.

They were veteran riders, very skilled and knowledgeable.  However, after going out on a trip for a week, they came back home, unloaded their 4 wheelers and headed down the driveway. What they didn't know was that someone on the other side of the road where they live and access to land they ride on had dug out a ditch.  Long story short, one of them road over the ditch at 7 mph, the 4 wheeler flipped, he landed face first, the 4 wheeler hit him with the headlight and did spinal damage and resulting nerve damage.  He is relegated to only being able to move his head for the rest of his life.

Well, as sad as that is, it is not unnerving to me.  I have been riding off-road vehicles of all types for most of my adult life.  We take risks in life, I can't say that I won't be a bit affected by this tragedy in thinking about watching and being alert about where I'm riding, but it isn't going to stop me.

So anyway, it's Friday night and tomorrow I intend on spending the day working on the Polaris.  The front end is virtually torn apart, I was going to fix it last weekend but my ghost parts never came in, lol.  Well, they came in this week after re-ordering so now I have no "excuses".  I was really wanting to do this last weekend, tomorrow I'm not so enthusiastic about it for reasons I can't even explain.  Just how it goes  with me.

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Well that was Friday of last week.

This week has been busy and not as much time. The Jeep started running very poorly.  I mean, like it was missing on several cylinders.  I had gotten the thing registered and decided to drive it all over the place.  Well, when that started happening, I took it to the shop- - Addler in the vehicel lol - and the guy took the codes off of it. 5 codes showing.  I left there agreeing that they were to come get the thing out of my driveway the next day and find out what was wrong with it.

So, it's been gone since 2 days ago.  I got a call today: well the only thing wrong is bad fuel.

Did I make a bad assumption? When I took it in there I told them it had been sitting for over a year, I assumed they would deal with old fuel.  No, they had not.  They had gotten it running and it was running fine. They added some fuelboosters to it and saidit was working find now.  I would hav rather they drained the old fuel out of it.  Whatever the case, when I go to get it tomorrow, I will fill it up with however much high octane fuel I can get in there, it was just below half tank when I took it in.

Well, the good news is I already shelled out a good deal of money for this thing, they aren't going to charge me for the tow over there and are only charging me for whatever fuel additive they added to  it.  Which is what it should be.  This is something they should have caught when it was in there.

_________________

And having trouble finding the time to finish this, so whatever I get done here today, it's going up.  I got the Jeep back, drove it 42 miles.  It ran like a champ for about 24 of those miles and then started running poorly again.   I'm guessing we still have a fuel problem.  I filled the tank up with 11 gallons of premium/92 octane but I think that bad fuel is the culprit.  I had asked them if they drained the fuel tank when they had made their assessment and they said they had not.  See, if it were me, that would have been the first thing to do. Well, I took it right back to them that same day - which was on Saturday.  Haven't heard back from them, but then again I'm not necessarily going to push them.  I would like to get the thing and get driving it, but, patience.

Meanwhile, the newest round of parts finally came in for the Polaris.  I got nothing done on it this weekend because the parts didn't arrive on time.  Oh well, couldn't take it anywhere anyway, not without the Jeep running.  Project for this coming weekend.  or, if I get wild hairs, start on it during the week after work.

My unhappiness at work is affecting my psyche at this point and I really need to make a decision.  Like, get the hell out of there.  I dunno if I can stand waiting until August - when my son gets married and hence the desire to stay there for the fact that I will have a bunch of vacation hours accrued.  Starting fresh somewhere else also means starting without any vacation hours.  As normal, I have no clear answers here.

Meanwhile, the female tenant took an 11 day vacation.  While she was out, we, the male tenant and I, had discussions about her behaviors.  She gets drunk - not all the time - but when she does this is a person that gets hostile.  Not to mention she drinks his liquor all the time  which is quite costly.  So, I suggest if  he is going to "help" her with alcohol, to buy her the cheap bourbon and he can keep his more expensive stuff in his room.

However, it's the cooking that has been carried away for some time now. Actually, since shortly after they moved in.  She LOVES to cook, which is wonderful, but - she cooks too much.  We don't need all of that much food and more importantly, she is a fan of just throwing leftovers out after they have been in the fridge for 2 days. Well since she is cooking new meals everyday, we don't get to the leftovers and a lot of food has been getting thrown out.  Mind you, she doesn't ask us if we want to eat it, she just chucks it.  I mean, she is on a fixed income.  She doesn't really supply much of the food around here.  She gets a small portion of food stamps and the rest are two checks every month. One very small, I think less than $70 and the other somewhere around $600.

I  actually have no problem helping them out with food, though the dude buys his share of food as well.  But the waste is unwarranted. So, we discussed having a sit down with her and talking about the constant food being thrown away.  However, he decided he was going to do that on his own - which is fine by me since I would rather she hear it from a friend.  So, the 2 bottles of cheap bourbon he bought for her have already disappeared, presumably into her room.

Anyway, things may work out.  I would rather they just stay until the owners move back here, which may be quite some time still.

There is more but I need to go to bed.