All's well that ends well.
The lady got all the presents together, wrapped them, put them under the tree and waited for them to get back from dad's.
I haven't actually talked to her yet since then cause' she was too busy with them and presents.  But here's a few pics she sent :)

4 out of 9 of them, anyway.  But a pic of the oldest will never be posted on this blog unless he relents and changes his mindset towards his mom.  Oh, those are the gifts I sent them in those particular pics, there are mmore pics just figured to post a few.  Will be there in 2 days.  Spend the first day with her, then Sunday go to church and then head to her friend's place, kids in tow, which is like 150 miles away.  I have to have her friend's stamp of approval before anything else can happen, lol.

But in reality, I have been talking with her friend for a while now on FB messaging system and apparently I already have the stamp of approval, they just want to meet me and have some fun. Unlike her ex, I like to laugh and not just sit there stone faced all the time.

Meanwhile.  Morning after Christmas. Going to work. Gag.  Susan just came out and declared that "this going to work business the day after Christmas is for the birds".  I completely agree and then she announced that next year is the same thing! Noooooooo!  Two years in a row? No way!!

That's it. 2 days until I depart for round 2 of Texas. Probably start making some decisions internally about whether this is going to end up a permanent deal or what.  I think this particular trip will be telling for both of us as to whether this is a good fit - or not.

G'day.

ben

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to everyone!

One of my favorite days of the year.  Give and get presents, feast with family (sometimes that works out, sometimes it doesn't end so well, lol), and just have a good time in the Lord.  At least for me.  I was  a little saddened that my lady's kids got nothing from their dad this morning :(  I don't know what it is about that guy.  He's got all 9 of them over there, the oldest is home from the Navy all the way down to the 6 year old girl and he had absolutely nothing for them.  No, it's not a money issue, he makes like a hundred grand per year, this is just how he treats his kids and then invents ways to blame it on her!

I texted the 15 year old this morning and he was clearly not in a good mood because of it.  When I told mom, she freaked out.  Well, she pretty much blew up.  That guy told the kids some story and that he would get them presents in a few days?!!!

Whatever.  We came to the conclusion that they would get the presents I sent for them today (versus waiting until I get there) and her presents and then her mom sent presents as well. They are coming home tonight so they will have a nice surprise waiting for them.

Whatever the case, Mark and Lynnette gave me some presents that blew my mind! A gold necklace, a new shower combo head set for my bathroom and a Subway gift card! Coooooool that!  And then more to come later on today at bro's house.  Very nice :)

Ummm, nothing much more cause' I'm about to call my lady and talk with her a few hours and then off to my brother's house.  So, wishing everyone a very merry Christmas and hope yours is a good one!

ben

Well here we are the Night Before Christmas. Okay, the day before the night before Christmas, lol.
Last night not so much fun.
She is in depression, she doesn't want to take meds for it at least temporarily to bring her out of it and says she will come out of it on her on.
Possibly, but when?  How long will that take? If I had known when I was going through depression after divorce that there was something out there that would make me feel a lot better, I would have taken it.  Not the rest of my life but until I figured out how to deal with all the junk going on inside of me and get past it and get some help from the church.

I can deal with kids that are rebellious and down and all of that, a little harder to sit here and say that I can deal with a person that is in depression and will be in such a state of mind for X period of time. She threw out some words last night that set me back: I don't care.  She was plainly speaking about our relationship and telling me out of the blue that she doesn't care whether I stay in it or not, that she has been getting rejected all of her life and if I do the same thing, it will hurt but will be nothing new.

??? Those words stung pretty good.  She ended up apologizing for it, I was ready to say goodbye to her.  I'm just a dude, I have feelings, they can be hurt as much as the next person.

Well whatever.  I'll be out there 4 days from now and I suspect some serious talk about this situation is going to ensue, I'll bring it up if she doesn't.   I can try to support her and help her in her current situation, but with depression, she is going to have to find her own way out of it, been, there done that bought the farm.  People can only say so much, at some point you just have to determine that living like that sucks, frankly, and then you just start pulling yourself up, with help from God at least for me, and get yourself out of that funk.

Well, that will occupy my mind and time for the next few days as I ponder where this is all going.  I knew time would bring out things in both of us and how we deal with them and if we can deal with them together is what will determine whether this is something that can work forever - or not.

Christmas at my middle brother's tomorrow.  I had all my gifts bought until they threw out a statement that so and so and so and so else were going to be there. Great. Nothing like giving a person time to get something, anything, to show up with for everyone there.  Gift cards and that's that.

Work today: as expected, nothing going on, manager not coming in, sit here and be bored all day.  Or not, lol, I'll figure out something!

G'day.

ben

Less than a week away from departure to Texas.
Meanwhile, major blow up last night. MAJOR blowup.
The 14 and the 15 year old giving their mom hell, to be frank about it.
To the point of cussing, fighting, throwing things, etc etc etc.
I can't to into all of it, WWW and all, but she ended up in her room, crying and sobbing hysterically.
The 15 year contacts me freaking out and wanting sympathy.
Are you kidding?
I gave him none.  Told him like it is and that was that.  His panicking started when she told him and his 14 year old brother that they have one week.  ONE week. Attitudes don't change, they are history, sending them to either dad's - who doesn't want them - or send them into the "system".  State custody in other words.  I talked to that boy for 2 hours on facebook messaging system. I talked to mom until she calmed down and could stop crying.  And then I told her his panic and flipping out - which was not designed to get mom's sympathy, only to tell her that whatever had happened with her over there with the sobbing and telling them she's done with them - might have actually had done some good.

The boy is telling me he's going to bed so I'm telling her that cause she's locked away in her room. By that point I had her in a much different mood, she was big enough to get up and go hug the kid, kiss him on the cheek and then tell him they would talk in the morning.

Soo who knows, the boy had a come-to-Jesus moment and told me how he was going to change and just totally panicking. I ministered the Lord to him for a couple of hours and then waited to see what was going to happen today.
________________________
Long interlude.  Now Monday morning.
Yesterday. The boy contacts me again.  I am sort of letting him go to his own devices for the time being, but if he contacts me I will talk to him.  Says he's doing great!  Yes, it turns out, he did more than just his regular chores, he had a great attitude about it and he was the only kid in the house that would actually do anything yesterday.  So I said good, proud of ya, but it's only one day.  Not to be a wet blanket but his attitude has basically sucked for quite a while now, getting far worse in the last month or so. I tried to be encouraging while at the same time being realistic.  I used to minister to teenagers long ago, I had lost some of my touch and connection in talking with them but that's all coming back now.

The point of saying all of this: I love that lady and I want to marry her - but I have to first make sure we are a good fit with each other and only repeated visits will tell that.  We talk on facebook or the phone all the time.  But that isn't the same as being together.  But secondly, yes I know what I am walking into with these boys and the oldest daughter - though she doesn't live there any more she still starts a lot of trouble and just shows nothing but hate towards her mom - but I have to know how and if I can fit in there and if I will be accepted by those kids.  Cause' if I ain't, pardon the poor English but not really, this ain't gonna work.  I can't walk into hell with a bunch of kids that totally disrespect their mom and worse than that and expect that I can just "live" with it.  Kids can be changed, but only if they are open to it.  You can force stuff on them, but that can pretty much lead to resentment and bitterness, which means a house full of hate.

I don't need or want that.  If the 15 year old continues on this new path,  that's a big stride towards improvement. The 14 year old is the other hellion, maybe worse than the 15 year old.  But I can't talk to him on FB because he has an "addiction" problem - bad - and he isn't allowed on the internet at all because of it. I would definitely try talking to him though, he's asked for help and she has tried to find someone to minster to him from within the church, looking for a man to do it since that's what he really needs, but I guess people taking on that kind of thing just doesn't apparently hit anyone's fancies in the Christian church today.

I understand it's someone else's kid, but there must be someone over there that the Lord can get a hold of their heart and impress on them to take that kid up as a mission field in itself and work with him.  She's been searching a long time now.  Their youth pastor is trying to help, but he's being pulled a thousand different ways, it's a pretty big youth ministry, that church built an entire separate building to accommodate for all of those kids.

It's not really a dilemma for me, those kids, I just want to know that they are going to be able to accept my authority in the house.  Because I will not back down to teenagers and especially rebellious ones that think they can do or say anything they please to their own parents without possibility of any consequences.

Monday morning. Well, 2 days of work, though tomorrow is a half day with the other hours paid by the company, Wednesday/Christmas off, back to work Thursday and Friday and then off to Texas, flight leaving 6am Saturday.  Just odd work week to have to go to work 2 days, get off the middle of the week and then back to work. My preference is a 3 day weekend end.  But that's just my preference, lol, I'll take a free day off whenever!  Regardless, there is plenty to do this morning at work and one huge delivery so that helps me a lot, especially early Monday morning and it's still dark out and you are wondering why you aren't in bed sleeping instead of at work - working!

G'day.

ben

There is one thing about this whole situation that has totally enamored me: all the attention.
I haven't had this kind of loving, focused attention in a long, long time.  I have been living my life alone for all intents and purposes. Surrounded by people, yes, but any kind of real relationship with anyone?  Just my son, the father-son kind and that IS something that I cherish and relish.  But that boy is on his own now.  Even if he comes back for a while, it won't be permanent and then he will be gone again.

And the attention isn't just from her, either, although if it was it would definitely be more than enough!  Her kids always telling her to tell me hi; getting on the phone with me and sending me all kinds of things through FB messages.

At the same time, her kids are a total disaster.  I am not saying that in a dissing or otherwise spiteful type of way, it is what it is.  They mess with her.  They get all up in her face and give her all kinds of hell.  They don't listen to her.  She asks them to do something and some of them will actually just walk away from her, telling her no!  God have mercy on my child if he were to EVER do that when he was growing up.  I was having an FB conversation with her best friend today, a real friend that has stuck through it with her, but at the same time, my lady has stuck through it with her friend through some pretty bad stuff as well.  Amazing that some of the best friendships are formed out of the most hellish and chaotic of circumstances, but I can attest to that myself.

Her friend had totally written the older boys off, proclaiming that she doesn't know how my lady has even survived this long. She flat out told me today that if those were her kids, she would be in prison now for assault and battery of her own kids, cause there is NO way on earth that she could have taken the amount of s*** that my lady has put up with.  I've just kept saying no, they may be bad, it may look hopeless, but that is not my take on it.  She finally came around today and said okay, there is hope for them, but something would have to drastically change because if it goes the way it is now, it's only going to get worse.

Totally agreed with her on that point.  I also said that my first reaction when I hear the stuff they say and do to her, I would just want to haul off and stuck a boot up their ass and make them feel reeeeaaaaalll good about what they had just said or done.  But I know that isn't the answer, they are in the same hell she is and they need something to grasp onto and get a hold of that will change their lives.  It isn't me, either, it's definitely God they need but as her friend said today: they need a real man around that place and she went further to say that her ex is NOT a man by any stretch of the imagination and going on to say even worse things.

She has seen it for 15 years, she knows the guy well enough.  It would be good for the man to get some counseling, he has already and finally admitted he is responsible for destroying that family. He rejects his own offspring to the point of telling the oldest boy still living at home that they - the kids - were the reason the divorce happened.  What kind of sick mind does it take to tell your own kid that divorcing his mom was the kid's fault?  But I flat out told her I have hope for them.  With the right kind of attention and influence, they can still be saved.

And she can't leave overnight.  I mean, like in the hands of the older boys.  Not even a happening event.  That house would come down, so to speak, by the time she got back. Blame the ex only? No.  Blame them both.  I don't believe she should be let off the hook, either, and her best friend certainly does not.  Let her off the hook, that is. She tells her like it is and that's a good thing. Her friend has 8 children, so it's not like she doesn't know what it's like to have a bunch of kids around.

Well that's enough. Pretty much what my little world has been revolving around for a while now.

ben

I dunno, but it's a roller coaster ride, I'll tell you that.
I got a bunch of kids now wanting to talk to me on Facebook - her kids - every day now.
I'm serious, I'll have FB messages popping up from any of 4 different phones.
12, 14, 15 and 17 year olds.  Oh, and the oldest girl even said hello a few days ago.
And at least 2 of them get into such serious conversations, you'd think you were talking to another adult going through a hellish time in their life or something.  Especially the 12 and the 15 year olds.

I don't really mind it, but some of these conversations are very draining attempting to discuss with a kid things in life that their father didn't care to discuss with them about. And no, we aren't going into sexual things, I draw the line there cause' they aren't my kids and doesn't feel right.  Well, in listening to her, their father doesn't really like to talk to much of anyone about much of anything, but if he really does have Asperger's syndrome, that would explain why.

Anyway, short little more time and I'm back off to Texas for another week. That will be the last of week long stays as my vacation hours are going to be down there, probably around 50 or 60 left after this next trip.  I am not going to use up all of my vacation hours early in the year.  I will - Lord willing and this relationship continues to grow - be making trips out there but not full weeks off from work.  Maybe 2 days off and include 2 weekend days and come back on a Sunday afternoon, get home late go to bed and get up for work type of situation, that's the best I will be able to do, much to her chagrin, she wants me out there much more frequently and that just doesn't work out either financially or with my vacation hours that are available.

That's my world, at least for now, that and time to be off to work!

G'day

ben

Monday morning.
2 Christmas parties this weekend, one with Church and one at the GM's of our company's regional area.  Both were good, though the one at the GM's pretty much had a bunch of drunk people that were somewhat out of control by the time dark came around and it started getting a bit later. Which isn't shocking or surprising, just that at a certain point, I had enough and went home, maybe around 9 pm or something.

My hunting buddy got a line on a deer - 8 pointer - and let loose an arrow which killed it dead.  His brother, who was set up at another location also bagged one.  Funny thing is, no-one else hunting in the area got anything - but that's simply because those people weren't even getting out of their vehicles.  I dunno how you hunt from a vehicle, I guess hope that one darts across the road.  It's not exactly legal, I can tell ya that but there wasn't a sign of Forest Rangers up there the 2 times I went up.  I'm sorta hoping I will get a deer steak out of his kill, but who knows.

So he's done with his hunt unless he can get another tag, I dunno how many bucks they want taken out of that area, gotta leave some around to mate with the does!

That was my weekend along with dealing with a person that has teenage boys who are at the verge of being totally out of control, especially the 14 year old of which I am assuming at some point she is going to have to call the police on to deal with.  He's already starting junk with her this morning about going to school.  She is going to have no choice but to dump him into the system.  Ex won't deal with him, never has which is how the kid got the point he is at in the first place and she is way smaller than this kid.  I dunno, I'm not there to help her with him and the rest of it, my hands are tied.

I could go into all of it but it would take forever a day and a half and it's Monday morning and I certainly do not feel like doing all of that right now.  Her 12 year old got on Facebook and then posted a message on my wall saying the names of the 2 older boys and how they were in a bad fight and to pray.  On my Facebook wall?!! I removed it and she had to explain to him why that was inappropriate.

Well anyway, another lovely work week and time to get cranking.

G'day.

ben

Well.  A temporary tenant in Caleb's room. This one paying cash up front for two months.  JUST in time for Christmas, really the only reason I wanted to put someone in there.  Not needy, either, has a jet black Mercedes sitting out front, came in with a lot of high dollar clothing.  Was looking for a place to stay for a couple of months to - golf.  Whatever turns him on!  Cool, too, not a jerkoff, at least so far.  My son's room is relatively small at 11X12 in dimension, at least compared to the other rooms in the house.  My house is nothing fancy and isn't worth a million dollars so no clue why he would want to stay here.  Don't care, either, as long as it isn't for ill will.  But, a LOT of people migrate here in the winters for golfing.  That's it. There are hundreds of golf courses in the Phoenix metro area and yes, we have winter grass - rye grass is what it's called - it is much easier to grow, actually than the summer version and looks much better.  It will only grow during the winter months and the summer grass dies out.  They simply seed use a machine to take most of the summer grass out down to almost the dirt and then seed the rye grass right over top of it.

Golf is big business here in the winter.  Just a bit curious though if that person is loaded with money why he wouldn't just stay at a resort or a fancy hotel.  Though, I can tell you that after a while, living in hotels isn't all that much fun.  Been there and done that.  Time will eventually tell - or not.  Who knows.  I just tend to keep my eye on new people here.  This guy's in his 30's.  The other new tenant - of which I have no clue how long he's staying here - is melding in with the crowd here as well. So, so far anyway, cool tenants.

So, anyway, the cash infusion was good.  Going on my trip to Texas, I wanted to have some extra spending money.  My Christmas shopping is all but done at this point, that wasn't really the issue.  I bought 8 out of 9 kids over there a Christmas gift, already sent and most of them already received.  The 18 year old girl, whose relationship with her mother is not good at this point in time, asked yesterday to my lady if I were going to get her a present as well.  Undoubtedly the 15 year old told her about the gifts, lol.

Whatever.  It's Friday, faced with either going up to the mountains or going to 2 Christmas parties, one tonight and one tomorrow after noon, Church and company party respectively.  I was really leaning towards going up to the mountains but I am now really thinking the Christmas parties will be much more fun and congregating around people.  In fact now that I think about it, definitely going to the church Christmas party, undecided on driving 50 miles one way to go to the company Christmas party, figure that one out tomorrow.
Enough for this entry, cause' it's time to go to work!

G'day.

ben

For Fin, the answer is: NO, the firewood situation has NOT improved! There are almost 4 cords of wood outside her house, maybe - ummm - 75 feet from the door to bring it in.  Some of those kids have literally flat out refused to either bring in wood or kindling to make a fire. It REALLY irritates me.  She goes and busts her @$$ all day long so those kids can have a place to live, food to eat and all the rest of it and I'm telling you, sometimes they treat her like nothing more than a pile of dog s*** on the floor.  Disgusting, abhorrent and unacceptable behavior.  Edited: I talked to one of them on the phone and insisted he bring in enough wood to last for a week. He actually did it!

Whatever, hope that answers your question on Facebook.  As for last night, I had this horrific dream.  Seemed like it went on for hours.  I was at work on the forklift.  I was lifting up a small Cessna (yes, an aircraft) way up high on the forks for whatever, unknown reason, would get off of the forklift, walk away from it and then the whole thing would fall over, destroying the airplane.  Time passed and I did it again and again and finally something like 5 or 6 times. I knew my "method" of doing whatever I was doing was wrong yet I continued to make the same mistake, over and over.  After the last time, the crash caught the plane on fire and then I was running to get a fire extinguisher when a face out of the past - a person I sincerely do NOT like - showed up.  I cussed him out, he backed down and then I ran with the fire extinguisher to the plane to put the fire out.  Then all these people were telling me it would be alright and all this stuff designed to encourage m and lift my spirits.  But I knew I was going to lose my job over it so I just decided that I was....

....oh hey, wait a minute, this Texas stuff is even pervading my dreams!  I was going to move to Texas!  Strange dream, though.  Really strange dream. I dunno why I get some of that stuff going here and there but when you wake up out of it, surreal.

Well, work is slooooow. There wasn't a single delivery or pickup to do yesterday.  Spent the day sitting around doing nothing until a truck came and dumped off a bunch of material.  Went through that and then back to nothing.  But I kept my mind occupied doing stuff online and thinking about the possibility of moving to Texas, that thought seems to creep into my mind a lot lately. Hard to ignore.

She has been going to counseling sessions which have been helping her immensely in how to deal with ex, family and kids.  Long ways to go but definitely some serious signs of improvement.  Meanwhile, the 15 year and I continue to talk on FB messages.  I'm not soft on him, either, cause' I don't like the way he treats his mother so I pretty much give it to him.  I throw other stuff in there as fluff, I guess, but it's kinda strange that he keeps coming back for more.  I literally tell him about himself, then tell him about the Lord and then send Bible scriptures to him.  Not exactly what one would think a 15 year old would want to be hearing repeatedly, over and over, but whatever, that's what I'm dishing out.  If I were THERE, this whole situation would change in a heartbeat.  I have no tolerance for mouthy kids that don't listen to their parents.  I just don't.  How I go about changing it would depend on their attitude towards me.

Well whatever.  Wednesday morning.  Went through yesterday a LOT of sites looking for cheap airfare - if she wants me to come out more frequently, then I have to find a LOT cheaper method of getting there.  I did find Spirit airlines going to Dallas for $127 round trip - that's pretty cheap folks - but the charge $30 for carry on or checked baggage, each way!  But again, I can send a UPS package in advance for $10.  Then round trip on Greyhound to the city she lives in for $54.  The only extra ordeal is getting from the airport to the bus station but there is apparently a city bus that runs between the two.  That's cheap, the whole trip, just saying.  I have been looking for airfare to the city next to hers - way too expensive for whatever reason to fly directly to her town - it's $337 for the cheapest fare i can find and that is not doable on a frequent basis.

It won't take a lot more trips for me to make up my mind and for her to make up hers.  She may have already made up her mind, I dunno.  I'm a bit more patient.  If God ain't in it, I want nothing to do with it.  I don't want another bad marriage, that's for sure.

Well, time to be off to work.

G'day.

ben

Just a quick note since it's early Monday morning, haven't written in days - well I have but I keep getting stopped in the middle of it - and it is cold outside!
High of 56 today!

Went up to the mountains again on Friday, we did some hiking about 3-1/2 hours worth - found the areas where we had been last time and the corn was all gone that was laid out.  The camera apparently was at a bad angle that we had strapped to a tree and didn't catch anything - the view of deer not in the pics.
We found a new spot, though, where deer obviously are hanging out quite a lot and that is where we decided to go ahead and mount the camera.

Archery hunting season starts on Friday, he is going up on Thursday afternoon.  I may go up on Friday and stay through Saturday and then leave.  I haven't decided yet.

Less than three weeks and another trip to Texas.  She is wanting me to come no less than once every 4 weeks.  That is a big money issue though and not one I can necessarily afford.  I have plans to try and locate a shipping container - the large metal ones - and convert it into a rental unit this coming year and that is going to cost some money to do. I need more income and that would do the trick nicely.

Well whatever.  Time is almost up.  Don't remember if there was anything in the system to do at work today, will just find out when I get there, but hopefully there is.

G'day.

ben

George - basically informing me he's moving out.  Exactly when, not known but guessing not too far in the future here.  I"ll be sad to see him go cause' he always pays his rent on time and we have mostly gotten along for the extended time he's been staying here.  His dad is apparently going to buy a house, George is going to move into it and make the monthly payments.  It's kinda hard to find people that will stay a while - that are normal people.  Not impossible but sometimes you gotta go through a few to get one like that.  Oh well, cross that bridge when it comes. The newest tenant is hardly ever here, wouldn't know he's here when he is, and pays me via email through the bank.  I have no idea how long he intends on staying, very quiet, stays to himself, doesn't much care to talk to any of us.  Which is okay, I can deal with that.

The lady and I went through a bit of a rough day yesterday....make that day before now, I started this entry and got busy with all kinds of other things.  One, the kid tenant who refuses to leave.  He has 7 more days. He hasn't actually been here at all in the last month or so, he obviously has some place to stay, so why he is dragging this out, I dunno.  But I am posting an abandonment notice on his door as well so I can have 2 justifiable means for packing up his stuff, putting it into a couple of boxes, changing the lock on the door and washing my hands of it.

Well I'm just going to have to finish this whenever, I don't have time this morning!

Time to be off to work!

G'day,

ben

Scored a 60" Vizio for my mom on Thursday's version of Black Friday at Walmart.  No need to body slam people, either, lol, police and security HIGHLY visible and present everywhere in that store, which was a very good thing.  I got there half an  hour before the 6pm sale started, got a wristband, got escorted to near front of line  - 10 back from front - was out of there and home at 6:22 pm!

I still gotta take the thing over there, though, which I am half contemplating doing today.  But only half.  I am woooooorn out from Friday's expedition up in the mountains.  It was crazy fun.  Up and down steep ravines looking for signs of deer crossings.  Poop and tracks to be exact.  He was specifically looking for places where trails cross and the more trails crossing each other the better.  We found 3 very good spots, 4-1/2 hours of hiking to do it and yes, my legs were toast after all of that.  We went 4 wheeling in his Jeep after that and then back to camp, had some dinner, sat around and talked for a few hours.  Sleep - in tent but I had my thermals on - up in the morning, a little breakfast and then headed home.  Going back next weekend with him to check the places where we went on Friday - he set up a camera at one of them.  Motion activated.  He's looking for a big buck and wants to be at the place where he will find one.

So, got home yesterday and nothing.  I hadn't been hiking that long in that kind of terrain in that steep of hiking conditions in a long, long time.

_______________________

Long interlude, Monday morning.  I ended up cleaning out both pond filters yesterday plus other stuff plus talking to the lady to the point that I ran out of time to finish this one.   I never did get to my mom's, but I didn't necessarily expect to anyway.  She's good with getting it whenever I get it out there, she's happy to have saved $300 plus on a very nice and large TV.

And got to ride and go 4-wheeling in a Jeep while up there!  That was my first time ever riding in a Jeep.  I don't recall as a kid going with anyone so it's gotta be.  We went camping as kids and all that - lots of camping in fact - but we didn't have anything that even faintly resembled a 4 wheel drive vehicle.  JP - the name of the dude I was with - took that thing up this "road" and was going at it.  Pics posted on FB, maybe post some here later on today or whenever I can get to it.  It was fun though!

We're going back Saturday for a day trip.  He wants to check his camera - motion activated thing that will snap pics of any deer down there that might be walking by and yes, there was fresh bear droppings too - and see what's up. He texted me last night and told me he's bringing a backpack for me cause he wants to drop some corn down there.  Well whatever works.

As for me, it's about time to get going to work. My legs? ......still rebelling against me. I put them to work on Friday, I haven't done a hike like that in years, maybe more than  a decade.  Not forever though, I used to hike quite a lot.  But to go on something like that and not even condition them for it?  Lol.

G'day.

ben

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to whosoever reads this blog!  Which ain't that many, but still.  Lol
Just got back from mom's she cooked a full, traditional turkey dinner and it was fabulous.
My oldest brother not there - hasn't shown up to a Thanksgiving get together in at least 4 years  if not longer, can't really remember.  My middle bro was in good spirits, which was cool even though mom started some trouble with him about the gift he wants for Christmas.  I had to show mom what he had previously asked for on Facebook to prove to her what he was saying was true - kinda got ugly there for a while.

She went over and apologized to him after I showed it to her in writing (she asked to see it, not like I was dumping it down her throat).  Everything was cool after that, sort of.  Calmed down anyway.

I had seen this on the net before and had given it fleeting thought, but my brother brought it up.  He wants to sell his house, buy some property and then build a container house on it.  If you've never seen a container house, just google it.  It's a house made out of those large, metal shipping containers like you see on trains or ships loaded with them.  In other words, he doesn't want to owe money to anyone, including debt on a house.

The reason it intrigued me is an 8X20 container is only 160 square feet.  It's big enough to build an efficiency out of - meaning a potential rental unit- but small enough I don't need city approval for it. Anything under 200 square feet you don't have to have city permits and codes don't apply.  I'm always thinking of how I can earn some extra money.  I think you can get those things pretty cheap.  Cost me a couple thousand to turn the inside of it into a rather nice living unit - small but nice and then rent it out for $450 per month and have easy income.  That person wouldn't even be in the house - you put a very small bathroom and a very small kitchen in it and then the living room is also the bedroom.  This is probably the most viable idea yet and may seriously start to think about doing it.  Next year, though, lol, have my hands full until after the New Year's right now.

I'm packed ready to go - scouting expedition for an upcoming hunting trip of a son of an old friend of mine.  The son is all grown up, mid 20's I'm guess, married and 2 kids.  But avid hunter, totally into it, just the kind of person I have been looking for to learn from!  So, around 7:30 am tomorrow I'm taking off.  It's not even that far away, less than 90 miles from here to Globe.  I would call Globe sort of "mid-mountains". It's in the mountains but not that high elevation. However, where we are going is right there, next to it, a mountain range shooting up, though don't know the elevation.  So pretty cool that he found a place that close to go deer and elk hunting.  His motion activated cameras have caught quite a number of deer on deer crossings.

Girlfriend is having company over today.  Before that occurred, however, the older boys blew up and were fighting each other.  The 14 year old started trouble with the 17 year old, who ended up breaking a broomstick over his head.  The 14 year old punched a hole through the wall with his fist and made stupid threats at the 17 year old.  Then he went upstairs and took the 17 year old's clothing, apparently all of it, threw it into a shower and turned the water on.  Supposedly he came down and apologized.  Meanwhile, the 12 year old boy was throwing conniptions because he refused to clean up the kitchen so mom took away his new shoes.  5 times this boy came down and had hissy-fits but each time flatly refused to clean the kitchen (that is his assigned daily chore around the house).

I don't know how that ended.  What I do know is the 15 year old boy did not get involved with any of it.  This is the one that has been contacting me and me him after he started contacting me first.  I've been talking to him about his attitude, especially with his mother.  Whether I have anything to do with today's deal and him not getting involved in all of that, I have no idea, but I congratulated him anyway on a Facebook message.

That's it. I'm going to Walmart in a couple of hours to see if I can snag a big screen tv for mom.  Not a Christmas gift, she asked if I could get it for her.  Sure, I said, why not. I can try, anyway.  They are open at 6, which isn't really good and I hate supporting this kind of idea that a store should be open on  Thanksgiving, but I am going out of town in the morning and I won't be around for any deals.  And anyway, if you want that deal, better be there when they open their doors - though - Walmart has a 1 hour guarantee.  So even if they don't have it, they guarantee you will have it before Christmas.

Whatever.  I"m going to take a short nap before heading over there, turkey made me sleepy, just need a 30 or so minute nap to take the edge off.

G'day.

ben

The Everlasting Work Day.
There is nothing else to call it.
There was one small delivery today, the rest of the day was filled with - nothing.  Just nothing.  Boring, unending, almost tormenting.  When I'm at work,  I want to work!  It makes the day go by quickly and it's over before you know it.  Not when there's nothing to do.  It's just agonizing.  Seriously.  That's a lot of hours to burn with nothing to do.

Plus I was tired.  I didn't sleep well - woke up in the middle of the night which is nothing new but didn't get back to sleep for a long time.  So, dragging feet and nothing to do, makes for a very, very long day.

The moods around there are up and down and up and down related to kids, so many of them, how they are talking to and treating her and however she responds to it.  

Whatever, I'm just worn out.  I think I am going to go to bed early tonight.

ben

Never a dull moment with her family.  Older kids with attitudes, one of which she is kicking out - she is so pissy and foul-laced that I know I would eventually do the same thing after listening to that kind of attitude every single time talking "together".  The oldest boy still living at home - 17 - won't do anything including going outside and getting wood for the fire.  The high there today is going to be 37 degrees, she asked him to do that last night and he refused.

She is just biding her time with him, if his tude' doesn't change, she is going to kick him out come end of school year in May.  Hard to kick out your kids as soon as they turn 18, but I wouldn't want to live with that kind of abuse, either.

Then the 15 year old was told to go out and check fence line last night.  He got mad - it was like 28 degrees outside, but the fenceline had to be checked to ensure the cows won't get out in the cold (why it waited til' dark I have no clue), so he took the pickup, drove like a madman and rolled it in the pasture.

So I was talking to her on FB and she had gotten a call on the phone unbeknownst to me from ex, the people down on the west pasture had called him telling him what had happened. She blew up, was off line for quite a while, came back and got back on and gave a sketchy description of what happened.  Then, this boy started a chat with me and I just let him know all about it.  In as good a way as possible, but I was pretty blunt with him, talking to him about the way he and his brothers and oldest sister have been treating their mom and what it is doing to her inside of her.

That conversation with that kid went on for quite a while, took advantage of him contacting me, not the other way around but lightened up near the end since he's only 15 years old and can't really keep a person that age in a heavy conversation for too terribly long.

Funny that kid contacted me before talking to anyone else about it. He didn't even like me at first, told his brothers that over and over.  At some point he changed his mind about me, told his brothers that who immediately informed their mother.

It's an interesting situation going on  over there, that's all I can say.

Whatever the case, it's Monday morning, started the work day - nothing to do again, gag - and only a 3 day work week.  Get to leave for 4 days after clocking out on Wednesday. Ohhhh, that I could drive straight to the airport and fly out there.  Oh well, not a rich man, gotta keep the trips limited to every 3 months or more.

Anyway, Happy Monday!

lol

G'day.

ben

I've been trying for 2 days to get another entry in, just hasn't happened.
Whatever the case, it's been raining and raining and raining here. Just the kind of downpour I wanted to see happen to really get the ground wet and give my plants a nice, deep watering the kind that only rain can give.  More than 24 hour's worth later, I don't suspect I will have to water my plants for at least a week and a half, maybe longer since the temps have cooled down considerably.

Oh, I know why I haven't written an entry: I get to talking to her and I can't break away from it, even for the 10 or 15 it takes to write a good entry.

Work - abysmal.  Sloooooooww.  We haven't even hit 100k for the month and it's already what, the 23rd of November?  That's crazy!

I have half a thought to hit a casino today.  I still play an online game daily.  The game I am currently playing is the hardest one I have ever encountered.  It regularly deals itself 6 and 7 card 21's.  It gives itself naturals all the freaking time.  I was playing it to rack up cold coins for a trip to Vegas, but I don't really want to go to Vegas anymore. Now I just play it to irritate another person who is on my player's friend's list who is continually trying to get ahead of me.  That last time, she got up 25 levels but I made a total comeback and am a couple levels ahead of her.

Oh, well anyway, I haven't tried in a long time and the time  is right.  Take a hundred bucks in there and see what happens.  I've turned $100 in $2,500 and other varying amounts of winnings. Yes, I have lost too but I get up and leave before it gets too carried away, even if I've only been there 20 minutes.  If  I start really losing, it's just time to go.  That was what happened last time, I got down $200, came back up the $200, got up from that table and left.  I hadn't been there for probably 30 minutes at most.

It would be nice, though, to win a couple hundred and make another trip out west.  Well, at the dates I am looking at, it is costing about $337 with taxes and fees, round trip.  She is having such a hard time with the separation that I am looking at my options.  If I could come up with that money by next week I could spend 4 days out there.  But, I am not going to a casino in desperation, never go in desperation.  This is a "want" thing, not a "I need it to pay bills" thing.  There isn't a single time, I don't believe, that I have gone to the casino and haven't encountered a person that is in desperate straits and is looking to win big to get them out of the hole they are in.

I have yet to see a single one of those people win anything, instead, they always lose.

A trip out there before New Year's is definitely not a must, it would just be nice, that's all.

Stayed up far too late last night. Like 11:30. We were getting into heavy stuff again but at the point the clock he 11:30, I was too tired to go on with it.  That's 2-1/2 to 3 hours past my normal bedtime and now, today, I am paying for it.  It's 9am and I don't feel like doing much of anything, even though I just got done doing all kinds of stuff.  I am supposed to meet with the pastor later on today, though a definitive time hasn't been set, we are meeting for lunch.  All I can say is if my stomach doesn't start feeling better, that encounter is not going to happen.

That's enough.  I have more stuff to get done and would like to have it done before it gets too late in the day.

G'day.

ben

"This is kinda heavy but Andrew told ex that Rachel wants to change her name to Rachel (my last name)!"
You want to talk about a mind blower! Andrew is 10 year old boy, Rachael is an 8 year old girl.
This is Rachael:

 This would be Andrew:

They both ask continuously about me now. They posed for these pics for me. These kids have been so neglected by their own father that any kind of attention poured out upon them is something that they really haven't experienced from her ex, at all. But for Rachael to already say something that direct about this situation really shook me up this morning. Not in a bad way, just wow, I didn't know I had had that much of an impact on them when I was there. There was SO much to take in, ponder and absorb. But I spent much more time around the 3 little ones than any of the older kids just because she drags them around all over the place all the time, though she also dropped them off at a baby sitter's house several times so we could have time alone.

That's it for this entry, might write another one in a little while, I just have some serious thinking to do here.

Wednesday
Yesterday not very nice at work.  Started out with one of the auditors asking me for various credentials, which I didn't mind, but then wanted to get into the truck.  I don't care about that either, but stay away from the controls and don't mess with anything.  She couldn't find the fuel card so I found it for her and forgot that I had left my pin number for the fuel card in with it.  So I got b***** out for that, blah blah blah.  A locked truck sitting in a locked, gated, fenced yard, the fuel card sitting inside of a pouch hidden underneath the seat.  
Whatever.  The worst was yet to come, however, after I called a contractor to tell him I was going to be leaving soon and was there anyone at the jobsite to take the equipment off? The "man" immediately starts cussing me out, letting out several f bombs, calling me stupid and all kinds of stuff that I need not go into here, pretty vulgar though.  He was angry because I was about to take a water pumping machine out there and they had no way of taking it off of there and that he had told us to tow it behind a pickup, not haul it on a semi flatbed.

Of course, I knew nothing of this, my manager knew nothing about it, there wasn't anything from the salesman in his email that noted this and it wasn't included in the comments section in the truck routing system.  Well, this guy just wouldn't quit.  I wanted to tell him off, REALLY wanted to tell him where to stick it, but my company wouldn't have liked that too much, so I really had to bite my tongue and just tell him that we knew nothing about this but we would be happy to tow the thing out there with a pickup.

I was fuming though.  There was no good reason for this guy to get so upset.  Even if I had shown up out there with it on the truck, the worst that would happen would be to haul it back and do it however they wanted it done.  But we hadn't even left the yard yet!  I refuse to put up with another episode of this with this contractor.  This is not the first run-in I've had with him over the years, albeit this was definitely and by far the worst.

That wasn't the end of it, though.  So, while we were waiting for word from the salesman on how he wanted us to deal with this, I went and made another delivery.  I had the rest of the materials for that pump still on the truck but had removed the pump from the semi.  The other materials weren't exactly heavy, but bulky, no way it would fit in apickup truck, not even close.  So the ops manager calls me and tells me that they are okay to deliver the rest of the piping and then come back and get the pump.  I get to the jobsite - the WRONG jobsite was listed on the paperwork, I find out at the jobsite with the foreman there calling this idiot that cussed me out that morning who was obviously making remarks about it to the foreman in noting the little snickers and laughs.  I just blew that off, headed over to the other jobsite and then finally the salesman calls me.

Ummm, Allen just called and said you were at wrong jobsite and to have you head over to the other one.  As if I were stupid.  I immediately gave him a serious dose of his own medicine, since it was HIS screwup that he didn't bother to tell us the thing should have been towed over there.  He then stated that yes, that was his screwup but the address wasn't, Allen had told him to have it delivered there.

Whatever.  Then I get on the phone with my manager who tried to call me and told me to call back - the truck's hands free device is a piece of garbage and doesn't work too well - so when I called back the third time, he was all pissed about that.  Fine.  Whenever something pressing on the road, the manager is supposed to answer the call immediately and if not, only because he is either on another line or doesn't have the phone with him.  I just let that one go too, but noting that in the future? I'll just call once and then I will make my own decision and then reference him to his sourness towards me yesterday.

Then got back and he was further upset by the pin number thing that dinged the store's score.  Well, he made his own blunders that the store got dinged for too.

Whatever, putting yesterday behind me but writing about it helps to vent, also worked out hard yesterday afternoon trying to just release the steam.

Whatever the case, time to go to work!

G'day.
ben

Thought I'd upload a couple of pics of this fabulous plant that came back to life after it seemingly died after a severe frost.  That thing was literally a stick in the ground with no leaves or any foliage on it at all early this year, now it's grown over 8 feet tall and put out all these wonderful, beautiful flowers!

Anyway, Sunday morning, fixing to get ready to go to church.  I am listening to the sound of the hummingbird out there chattering away, not sure what his problem is this morning.  He was grazing my head out there yesterday and telling me about the feeder, which I refilled just before dark last night, so he should be a happy camper.  But he's kind of a moody thing.  Anytime other hummingbirds try to come and take a drink off of his feeder, he gets pretty upset and starts fighting with them.

As for the Lady, she's opening up quite a lot now.  It has taken her some time to wrap her mind around the fact that there is actually a person out there that wants to hear all of it, let her vent 20 years worth of crap and attempt to help her navigate through all the emotion, fear, and denial.  She's just been cramming it in for a long time and letting nothing out to anyone because no-one, not even her own family - wants to hear about it and has condemned her the entire time.  When you hear about the father of all of those kids saying "those are your kids, you wanted them so now you deal with them", you know that marriage was not a very good one.
It can get pretty intense and draining at times, but I think worth it to bear with her through all of it and hopefully somewhere down the line, be healed and delivered from that garbage and able to walk in the freedom the Lord wants her to have through and in Him.

I expect that some of these conversations are going to be heavy and intense for sometime to come.

Regardless, time to go get ready for church!

Happy Sunday!

ben

Saturday

Trip is finalized.
I didn't want to wait until closer to the holiday season to buy airfare, I can only imagine the planes filling up and no seats left and/or the prices going up dramatically.
I ended up putting it all on a credit card and then making a payment to the card account for half of what it cost from my checking account.  Just the time of month it is and other expenses I have had leaving me a bit lean on the money side, so didn't want to pay for it fully in cash.

She has finally let on fully the situation between us to her kids.  Some of the older boys are pretty messed up in their heads, she didn't want to come out with this too soon, ie: this isn't real and we aren't going there.  This second trip should be a little less stressful - I know what's going on over there, I have broken the ice with most of the kids - I know what the house looks like and the condition it's in - but these are not deterrents to me, not if the relationship is right.  Her PDA rule around the kids - in the house - is off now.  Which is good for me because hugging and holding hands and all that wasn't "allowed" to be done around the kids, which we were around a lot of the time.  The kids figured it out anyway, but wanted an official "statement" of boyfriend/girlfriend this morning from her.

Not to mention half of them are telling me they love me now, anyway, lol.  Not that I told them that, first, either!  We're kinda getting swept along with the current here, at some point, at least for me, there is no turning back.  I haven't arrived there yet and I don't know how much longer or at what point that line will be at, but I would have to say it's certainly within seeing distance.  Just holding back enough to see this all unfold without any commitment to engagement or marriage.  I still want to make sure this is right for both of us and that we are really going to be good for and with each other.

I was talking with the 17 year old today on Facebook - and yes I always let her know about it if there is any contact with them.  I'm just trying to break the ice with that kid cause' he's not a talker - at all - and it takes a while for him to get comfortable around people.  He was pretty standoffish when I was there last but from all indicators that is much less true now than it was.  He's into video games, I am fairly well versed in that having had a son around that was totally into it so I can relate  a bit.

As for another scenario unfolding.  My old friend's son - he's in his mid 20's I think.  He is an avid hunter, the son, and I friended him on Facebook a week ago and threw out the idea of going hunting with him.  He wasn't really "all over that" at first, but last night on an exchange with him on his Facebook wall, he WAS all over it.  He hunts whatever, wherever, but mostly into Javelina, Deer and Elk hunting.  Whatta rush that would be to bag an Elk!!  What a chore it would be to try to get it loaded into a pickup, even IF you have it quartered!  I am pursuing this with him because I really want to learn how to hunt and more importantly, how to skin and dress the animal after you have it down.

He informed me that some day in the future we would go and we would sit around a campfire and drink some tequila and enjoy God's creation.  Well, I can do a shot or two of tequila, beyond that I'm toast.  If there is one thing in life I do NOT want to do, it's get drunk.  I lose complete control of myself and I feel like s*** the next day, all day and it's just not that great a thing to do.  Been there, done that and not doing retakes.  But it sounds like a fun time anyway.  I don't care if he gets drunk, help yourself.  For those that would judge that, sorry folks, but I am not God and I cannot change people's hearts, only God through the Holy Spirit by the preaching of the Word can do that.  If a person wants to get drunk, I am not going to even begin to try to stop them, but if they get really stupid while they are drunk, I don't want to be around them.  I don't get that he gets stupid and belligerent while drinking, at least not after the interchange last night because he had already been drinking.  I would rather do it with someone from my past that I least know somewhat then trying to find a complete stranger to go with.  And anyway, from his account and his siblings, their dad forsook them long ago, wants nothing to do with them and has not contact with them at all.

It's utterly amazing how much of that is going on in our society nowadays.  This is almost exactly what is going on with the lady's ex. He wants very little to do with his kids and it shows, glaringly.  They all know it, too.  The 17 year old despises him and wants nothing to do with him.  The 18 year old girl plays him for his money, if he didn't have any, I doubt she would have anything to do with him, either.  Just guessing on that one though.

Well anyway, hopefully there is a hunting date somewhere on the calendar next year.  But I guess I am going to have to get a 30.30 hunting rifle with a high powered scope among other things.  I've seen them advertised used online for various prices.  Probably start off at the lower end of the pricing range.   I wasn't sure about the difference between a 30-30 and a 30.06, but the net has educated me.  30-30 less powerful and good up to around 300 yards the 30.06 more powerful, more recoil but good up to around 500 yards.  They'll both take down a deer or elk, just one will do it at a further distance than the other.

The other thing this guy is good at is finding them.  I am a totally teachable person when it comes to learning something I want to learn, I don't care how old or young the person doing the teaching is as long as they know what they are talking about.  He finds them, downs them, skins/quarters them, eats them!  That's enough for me!  3 managers went out hunting a couple of weekends ago for deer and snagged - nothing.  Their exclusive manager's club, I like to call it, where they will go on outings with each other but the rest of us dweebs are nothingness.  All fine and dandy, I don't know that they know hunting that well anyway.  If you are going to learn, might as well learn from someone who is good at it.

Lazy Saturday for me.  About to go out and get some yardwork done.  Nothing much to do in the house for chores excepting stuff that costs money and nothing that is on the priority list.

G'day.

ben

This is the kind of thing I am referring to when talking about the situation at her house.
The oldest boy that is still living at home - there is an even older one who is currently in the Navy - was asked last night to build a fire in the fireplace.

She is attempting to save money on electric and use the fireplace for heat versus turning the electric heating on.  The boy complains about how cold it is upstairs.  I will say here that I keep my heat on at a very minimum range during the winter at night, at night only.  Just enough to keep it from getting too cold in the house, not enough to have my electric use sky rocket.  And no, no-one is allowed to use a space heater and if someone were without my knowledge, it would be immediately known to me that someone is doing something by simply looking at the daily electric usage.

The boy - 17 years old - starts complaining that there isn't any firewood.  Well, I was just there, there are over 3 cords of wood outside, already cut, ready to be used.  Some of it is well seasoned, very easy to start a fire with.  He then complains that there is no kindling - again, house surrounded by trees, some of them pines dropping cones and needles, plenty of kindling close to the house.  He didn't want to go outside and get the wood or the kindling.  She asks him again.  He flatly refuses and walks upstairs to his room.

That is actually tame to some of the other stuff, but to give an idea of what kind of atmosphere a man that doesn't care about his own kids creates after years of both neglect and abuse.  Abuse in the form of constant yelling and cussing at the kids.  He still doesn't care after the divorce and living away from all of it to the tune that he intentionally rented a small apartment so they couldn't come over for extended visits and so that none of them could move in with him.  One of them called him the other day declaring he wanted to move in.  The lady was telling him he couldn't go with 2 girls alone on a date.  He's only 15 years old, this is pretty easy to figure out.  He gets mad at her but dad says no, you aren't moving in with me.

Whatever.  This kind of thing apparently happens just about every day there.  I wouldn't know, I only saw minor outbursts when I was there but I am not sure why they weren't acting out in my presence. I'm not their daddy, I have no parental control over them so I am not sure.  She did tell me yesterday that I have "quite the following" in her kids, but that doesn't include all of them.

Well, whatever. It's Thursday, I'm trying to figure out what I am going to do with this coming weekend.  The temps are supposed to go back down again.  It's pretty crazy to have to be running the AC in the daytime considering it's near the middle of November.  That is not normal weather, even for here.  It shouldn't be this warm this late in the year.

I had half thoughts of going up north, but I don't really feel like using the fuel money.  I am cutting some corners at this point in trying to gather enough money to buy airfare.  That has to be done upfront before anything else.  It will stifle any plans to do any Black Friday shopping, but I wasn't really planning on doing that this year anyway.  Unless there is something I see that is too good a deal to pass up, though.  You never know.  I don't need another laptop but I wouldn't mind snagging an MP3 player if the price were right for a good one.  I have never owned one but always wanted one.

I will, in reality, probably just stay home and get some things done outside.  Not a lot left to do, but there is some de-weeding and grass pulling that needs to occur.  The hummingbird is cranking on  me to refill the container, there should be enough for him to last through today though. That bird chirps at me whenever it is getting low, I'm not imagining it, I have encountered that thing doing it too many times now.  It will buzz my head and fly around me and if I am sitting outside it will come up to a tree near me and just sit there.  Amazing, really!

Enough.

G'day.

ben

So, Obama is facing pressure from his own party - for once - over this ridiculous bill that more people hate in America than like, at least if you go by the polls.  It was particularly interesting to see Clinton - the man that has basically supported Obama the entire time - finally come out and almost rail against him because of the huge numbers of people that are not going to be allowed to keep their current plan and forced to switch to much more expensive ones.

Whatever.  I can't really talk or think about Obama and all of his BS for too long, I start getting very irritated.  It's like the man is on a mission to destroy the fabric of this nation, one step at a time.

As for the lady side of things, she is a happy camper right now.  If this situation doesn't eventually lead to a "permanent" relationship, it would surprise me.  Never say never, I know, but it's certainly headed in that direction.  Lots to think about, ponder, wonder, meditate on, prayer over.  Not in a big hurry here - it will unfold the way it is supposed to but from my end of things I want to continue to pray and seek the Lord about it and ensure that He is in this, not just wanton, earthly desires.

Well I was going to get into some things but a glance at the clock revealed that it's time to be off to work!~

G'day.

ben

Well, we pretty much got past that blip.  But I insist in a relationship that if we aren't good for each other the way we are right now, as we are right now, then it isn't going to work and I really don't want anything to do with it, though I didn't say that, just thinking it.  This idea that you go into a long-term relationship thinking a person is going to change usually never works.  Seen it over and over in other people's relationships and I will learn from that and my own previous marriage as well.  It's just unrealistic to think that either party is going to transform into what you want them to be.  It might happen, but it might not as well.

I dunno, but we have been talking throughout the day on and off.  Major blow up at her house last night with 2 of the older boys getting into it to the point of an alarm clock being smashed over the head of one of them and then almost a fist fight.  She has no recourse in such situations but to call the police and apparently she was just about at that point.  She isn't big enough, I guess, to stop them. They wouldn't be getting into that s*** if I were there, that's all I can say about it and it didn't happen when I was there as well.  I wouldn't hurt them but I am much bigger than any of them and could easily stop a fight like that, just insert myself between them and that would be the end of it.  Regardless, the 14 year old that started the mess and was going ballistic stopped in his tracks when she started calling the Sheriff's department and begged her to not call.  Yes, well settle down and get yourself under control, kid, there are other ways to vent your frustrations.

She has her hands full with teenagers that have little or no respect for her.  Her younger kids are cool, but the 14, 15 and 17 year old have issues, especially the 15 year old, he runs his mouth like a horse racing the Kentucky Derby.  Non-stop.  The 18 year old girl also runs her mouth whenever she doesn't like what she hears.  Non of them will do anything around the house unless forced and even when forced, they wait for an opening and disappear.  The house and those kids aren't anything I couldn't deal with, though.  I'm only interested in the lady and I, are we compatible, can the love last for the rest of our lives, will we be able to deal with each other's problems and shortcomings,  is it really true love?

I don't really want to go too much into the house itself - but - it's 40 years old and it has serious issues.  Most of which I can deal with and already started to in actuality, but it would take a good years' worth of working on it after work and on weekends to get it back up to snuff - not to mention a rather good deal of money even if finding used stuff.

Whatever.  Planning trip two for New Year's.  I'll figure out some way to afford the airfare, I thinkhope anyway.

On a humorous note, the guy that takes my place when I'm gone to drive the truck told another driver - who is sort of in a mini-managerial position down there - that I was moving and that he was offered the position where I am working and also my pay.  The manager is like what, he's going to work down here then?  No, says this guy, he's moving to another state and I am going to take his position and they are going to give me the same pay he is making!  Rumors have spread forever about how much I am making.  I am, in reality, making much more per hour than any of the other drivers - all of them even in different divisions locally - but I insisted on that when I was hired and I had to fight for it for a long, long time after I was working there for a while.  But for as much prying as many of them have tried to get out of me, I simply refuse to tell them what I am being paid.  It's really none of their business and they can sit there and guess and wonder all they want.

The driver that came over here left him like that, too, thinking that I am moving soon and this will happen quickly!  LOL!  In reality, if this is really going to happen - which it may - I figure a good year.  I want time to elapse, I want anything that needs to be dealt with in relationship issues to come out and make sure that we can work through it. This is a non-rush deal and it has to be right.  It doesn't have to be perfect, but we have to really know that it's a good fit.  I AM concerned about not being able to get out there frequently enough, it is what it is.  If I really skimp and save, maybe I could make a trip out there every two months - but not for a week every time, I will run out of vacation hours and won't be able to go at all at some point.

After a mind boggling week with her and hearing her out endlessly about the emotional pain and the fact that her ex never touched her, said any kind words to her, on and on and on and on - I was informed a little while ago that I was "blase" with her at the airport.  That I hadn't touched her near as much as she expected.  It was an atom bomb gone off.

I spent the week with her, the entire week.  If I wasn't at the hotel, I was with her, excepting one day where I went to the pond to work and the truth came out that it was - her time of month.  She also informed me before I left that she believes menopause is setting in.....

I can deal with much of anything, especially with a woman I have fallen in love with.  But, I will not say to a person that I am going to change, become this or that. I am who I am. If holding her hands and kissing her and extended hugs aren't enough for her, then I figure it's time to move on.

I'm glad it came out.  I don't know where it's going now, because I got off the line, this went on for well over an hour and I have to get up for work early in the morning, this kind of conversation going on every day can be quite draining.  I would rather find out now if this is right or not.  If she doesn't like me the way that I am right now, if she doesn't love me the way that I am right now as I love her the way she is - right now- it isn't going to work. 

I learned this the very hard way and I will not go through it again.  I figured it also better to get off the line and let some time elapse and have some time to think it through before going on further with this particular conversation.

Whatever the case, I am exhausted and I can only imagine what it's going to be like trying to get up in the morning.

ben

Sitting on a tarmac in Houston, waiting for the plane to be turned around so we can head out to the runway and take off.  Not really so elated that I am coming home.  I could have just stayed another week, month, year.......

Lots to ponder and more so pray about when I get home.  A second trip is definitely en-queue, shooting for New Year's.  Dunno if I can swing that so soon after this trip. I have plenty of vacation hours but money is a different subject.

Flying on a jet plane. It's so cool.  Sitting here listening to the roar of the engines and just taking it all in.  Plane is going to arrive early - which really isn't that great of a thing for me, whatever wind conditions or whatever causing it to arrive early could just back off, lol, I'll take every last minute of this flight I can get!

Room has been rented, I got a $100 non-refundable deposit from the renter.  I didn't know you could send money simply by giving the bank the email address of the intended recipient, that's pretty strange stuff to me, but the money is in my bank account and he is moving in this coming week, not sure of which day though. I am counting the room rented the day he agreed to it.  Every day I lose is money lost and there were at  least 7 more people that wanted to come take a look, so I have no problem declaring the room rented and counting each day since that point towards rent owed.

Back to reality.  The reality of love.  This is nothing like I have ever experienced before.  This isn't just words and things lovers say to each other. Her smile is infectuous.  When she rubs my arm while we are holding hands I become intoxicated, literally, with a constant stream of endorphines flowing to the point that I am in gaga land, wondering why I couldn't have had this much earlier in life.  There are times when i am so entranced that I am in a different world and don't even register anything that is going on around me.  I always wondered what was going on with people that had that look on their face.  I have never experienced anything this intense in all of my life.  God's love is a different kind of love.  Mom's love also a different kind of love. This is a totally differnet land.

I have missed being touched and touching - anyone, someone - for so long. She has all of her kids, some of which give her all kinds of affection.  I have had no-one. Just my dogs.  They have their kind of love, of course, and they are ever loyal.  One thing that always sticks out about dogs, they don't care how bad of a day you had or had miserable you are, they will always show you all the affection they have in their hearts. It's a good thing, yes, but it doesn't come anywhere close to what I am experiencing with her now.

This is a point where the lack of wealth really hits.  Limited options for frequent visits. Pretty much not possible.  I will long to be with her and I will try to invent ways to add to my income, but in the end,  perhaps the longing is as good as being with her.  Thinking of her all day long and hoping for the day to come to fly out again and spend time with her and her family. The 36 acres isn't a bad thing, either, a menagerie of horses, cows and a lot of pasture.

Well, I think I am going to stop writing now, I'm on the plane and just taking all of what happened in the last 7 days in.  Finish this one later when I get home.

Home - hours later.  And tired.  Worn out.  Wiped out.   That trip took it out of me.  It was a good trip, not saying it wasn't but wow.

Pick this up again tomorrow.

G'nite.

ben

Kinda trying to write out much of everything for this visit so I can keep things in clarity for future reference.  So I went to her house and the 3 youngins were there.  Not going anywhere this time as this is what she had planned.  We talked for a while but then I went upstairs and installed - at no small amount of exertion - a new P-trap on one of her bathroom sinks.  It's 40 year old house, the plumbing isn't exactly caught up with current day technology and the fittings didn't fit.  I had to modify it to make it work, but work it did.

She left to - do whatever it was that she was doing with the kids, I can't even remember now while I headed down to the pond some 1,000 feet away (at least) and start piddling around with building a small dam.  But - no way I could do it right in just one day.  To do it right would mean a lot of work - a LOT of work - that I simply didn't have the time for.  It took me a couple of hours to get the base of the dam built and even then I still couldn't get the water to stop flowing from underneath it - or wherever it was escaping, but still hopeful that over time twigs and junk will get caught up in there and eventually the flow will be stopped by itself.

Well, the dog was down there.  I don't remember the breed but it's still in puppy stage and has leaps and bounds of endless energy, including snagging my company cell phone off the log I had put my stuff on and attempting to bury it unbeknownst to me.  When I eventually went over there to get that stuff and realized it was missing - I had to search everywhere for it. I found it - mud-caked but not soaking wet and although it looks much worse than before that dog got a hold of it, it still works.

After I went back up, visited with her for a little while and then got what I went up there for,  I ended up finding out how the "Gator" turns on - it's a 4 wheel contraption with ATV types of tires on it but i t has a dump truck type of bed on the back of it, it's made for hauling things around.  I didn't realize how incredibly out of shape I am until I came here and started walking all over the property.  I went back down for more of the dam - it wasn't something I had to do, it was something I wanted to try to do - and eventually heard the dog barking at something.

I looked up and it was Nathanael, the 12 year old boy who was "told" to come down and help me by his mother.  It became obvious very quickly that he wasn't forced to do anything, he wanted to be there so I got into a conversation with him about all kinds of things. Eventually, he decided it was time for us to quit and go see the other lakes on the next property over.  This went on for quite a while.

Back to the dam, nothing changed, kinda was hoping it would take with everything that I had shoveled in there, but I was tired and it is something that will have to wait for another day.  Up to the house. This trip has been very draining on me.  Intense emotion and dealing with an entirely different type of lifestyle, going on all day long, every day.  A much different scenario than what I am used to at home.  Kids asking repeatedly if I am going to come back and when.  I truly wish I had a bit more income than what I have now, I could afford to make trips back and forth at least once a month until we decide if this thing is going anywhere.  She goes back and forth in her mind.  She has lived in a hellish relationship for 20 years and it toys with her mind.

I need not go into all of that right now, 20 years worth is a lot of writing and yes, I have heard about a lot of it.  She wanted to tell me for me to know where she is coming from.  Equally, I shared with her a 16 year marriage that had it's own hellish traits all over it. But she goes from highs to lows - believing and then doubting that a relationship between us could work.  You can only try to reassure a person so much, she is going to eventually have to come to grips with this either way.  I couldn't tell the kids or her when I will come back because it's an issue of finances.  At almost $300 round trip plus hotel plus expenses, not cheap, at least for me.  I can't stay at her house because the court put that into the decree: no visitors of that type after 9:00 pm unless we get married.

She offered to find a friend's house to stay at - but I would be pretty uncomfortable staying at a complete stranger's house and I wouldn't have the freedom that I do at a hotel in having my privacy.  The point, though, was to eliminate hotel expenses.  I am trying to figure out what I could do to accomplish that goal without staying at a person's house that I don't know.  I just can't answer that question because there aren't many options.  She does have her business  where I could stay in a side room.  I had considered that before but just didn't go with it.  I wanted to stay in a normal room with a comfortable bed.  There is no bed in that room at her store, I would have to bring an air mattress to sleep on.

I'm not against doing that and it may well be the only viable alternative if push comes to shove.  I dunno, I have a lot of thinking and praying to do.  There are tangents to this situation that I simply cannot go into on the world wide web.  Actually these are things that I simply can't go into with anyone, just the way it is.  Not concerning me.

Anyway, we spent a couple of hours in a room thing at the top of her house that has windows all the way around it and overlooks the property.  We opted to go up there instead of outside.  It is starting to get cold - by my standards and apparently hers as well - outside at night and I am not into that while trying to have "adult" conversation with another person.

I'm exhausted.  When I get home tomorrow, I'm going to go straight to bed and sleep.  I don't necessarily do well in hotels and sleeping well enough to feel rested the next morning.

I have a lot to think, pray and ponder over, that's what I will occupy my time in the next weeks doing and also trying to figure out how I can get back there frequently enough to keep it alive and not just electronic talking and texting.

G'nite.

ben

Final full day in Texas en-queue.
Nothing spectacular yesterday, she dropped the kids off at a babysitter again and we just sat around her place and talked about all kinds of things all day long.
About the time kids were going to come home from school, we left and went to get something to eat and then did some running around, brought some pizza home from Sam's club, had one of the kids cook that, I ate a piece and then it started.

My stomach started churning.  I couldn't figure out whether it was the pizza or the stomach virus that half the house has been dealing with.  Took something for that, bid my adoos to the lady and the kids that were still following me around like a puppy dog and headed back to the hotel.   Just sitting around thinking at this point.  What kind of dramatic, life-changing thing it would be to pack up and leave Phoenix and move out here.  That kind of thinking can take a lot of time to try and analyze and think through.  More than I should have gotten involved with.

I started looking at airfare getting back out here.  On certain dates, it's cheaper to fly here than to drive.  Even if it's $75 more to fly than drive, the benefits of getting a trip over with in less than half the time without all that time consuming driving plus the fatigue involved with doing such far outweighs saving a few bucks.  But, right now? Money a bit tight after this trip, I was thinking of coming back around New Year's.  Nothing definite yet and still I need to make some heart decisions here as to whether I really want to just up and haul off from Phoenix and leave it behind permanently.

I am certainly not adverse to doing such, btw, I don't much care for living there and only a few factors that would be hard to leave behind.

Anyway, it's now Friday morning.  I am going to go play at the pond and see if I can figure out how to build a small dam without it getting washed over in the next rain.  Quite a bit of concrete down there and some posts to hold it up with, I think I can do it.  She just wants it raised a couple of feet - which would equal thousands of gallons of water -  for the dry spells that come and not much water come running through that stream. I have an idea of how to do it right, but I don't the time or the equipment for that.  Would have to build a bypass channel around the outlet, let it dry out as much as possible and then do a concrete with rebar foundation to do it right.  But I think I can build something with all that concrete that is down there and possibly it will hold.

I consider it a challenge and I like challenges.  We have been sitting around the last few days and I need something to do that involves physical exertion.

2 of her boys get off school early today and they are going to come down and help me when they get home, that should help immensely.

Well, off to the races!

G'day.

ben

Today was pretty amazing.  She took the 3 young ones over to someone's house to babysit them and we spent the entire day together - alone.  For the record, we are not engaging in sexual activity and have committed to each other that we would not do that, per God's word.  TMI, I am sure but I am pretty open about my life in my journal, always have been always will be.

Anyway, we ended up at the movie theater today.  Her oldest son, Isaiah, suggested the movie Escape Plan and we were not disappointed. I like action movies, this one was really good, IMO, with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger being the main stars in the movie.  The ending was really  good because it was totally unexpected!

We ate at Smash Burger - amazing hamburgers - we went to various stores and then after a full day together, went to the babysitter's house, picked up the 3 youngin's - who were babbling at me the entire trip back to her house.  On the way back, she called in advance to tell the older boys that if they were going to go to church, they would have to be outside waiting for her to pick them up and take them over as soon as she got home.  The 14 year old who sticks near me whenever I am there and he is also there told her to tell me he loves me.  She said it after she got off the phone so nonchalantly that it caught me off guard.  What did you say?  He said he loves you.  That boy is so starved for attention - but all of them are.  I mean attention in a good way, not the way they are used to having the man in the house yelling at them and spiting them, brushing them off and making them feel like s***.

She doesn't care about my occasional slips of the tongue - she does it herself - but she has one particular boy that is very much not in love with any kind of cuss words at all, changing the subject now that I threw the s word in there. She had a talk with him after we got home tonight - this is referring to a 12 year old - he had a bad attitude because wasn't allowed to go to church with the older boys tonight for whatever reason.  But during that talk, apparently he declared to her that I am not a Christian because I was talking to the 14 year old yesterday while we were moving a woodpile and I used the S word.  I was not cussing AT the 14 year old, btw, I would never do that.  She came back with a good one about his own behavior and not honoring his mother as the word says and does that therefore make him not a Christian?

I thought about that one for a while laying here in the hotel thinking about everything that went on today and decided that I would simply apologize to him tomorrow if/when I see him again and try to remember not to let any of that slip out when around him.  I don't really take any pleasure in offending children, the Bible has enough to say about that particular subject.

This morning?  That new septic pump I installed yesterday wasn't working, either.  Mind you, she had a professional septic company come out yesterday to look at the system and determine what's wrong with it.  He allegedly checked the power to make sure it has juice going to the pump.  He said there was juice and that was that.  I never even thought to check the power supply myself because this many is, allegedly, a professional.  Well, I installed the new pump yesterday and plugged it in.  We couldn't tell if it was working or not because the tank had been emptied and so we figured it probably wasn't coming on because the "water" level wasn't high enough to turn the thing on.

This morning when I got over there, she was trying to drag an electrical line out there to see if she could plug it into the power lines that come up from the pump and the overflow level that sounds an alarm if the level gets too high.  No, the pump wasn't working.  Well, a brand new pump, power definitely getting to the panel out there, what's the problem?  I start looking at the female plug for the pump and saw that the power and ground line are completely disconnected!  Why didn't I check that in the first place? Because that "professional" dude said the power supply was good! I shouldn't have had to check it!  It means that the old pump was probably fully functional!

I am no perfect person and I let out a string of cuss words! No kids around!  Not because the power supply interrupted by the bad plug, but because this guy who was paid a good amount of money flatly stated that the power supply was good! If you are going to do something in life for a living, then by God be GOOD at it.  Just being honest.  I have faults like everyone else, I am around people cussing at work all day long. I spent my teenaged years cussing up a storm.  I was able to tone that down to nothing after I gave my life to the Lord but after I got divorced some "language" crept back in.  I realize that there are people that do not like to hear that kind of language, I get it.

And, to land this airplane and get it on the runway (ie: to end this entry), the 15 year old - yes there is quite the range of ages going on  here - was spying on us last night!  We had walked down the narrow, one lane road in and out of her property and yes, we were hugging and kissing.  I have a huge hickey on my neck to prove that, lol.  It was dark!  But he saw what we were doing anyway and made a comment to her today about it or last night, I don't remember which.  She still is having a no PDA policy - Public Displays of Affection - though only around her kids.  So I don't even hold her hand in front of them.  She wants to do that this first visit and then, I am guessing, let them kids have time to process what they have already seen and heard and talk to mom about it.  But, it's not like they don't already know.

That's it for today.  I want to write a lot of this out in blog entries so that I can come back in the future and reference the progression of what is going on here.  It actually isn't that late here, I just wanted to leave a bit earlier than the last several nights because I have had a headache going all day long - slept too hard and too long last night into this morning after not getting near enough sleep the 3 nights before that - I just had to come back to the hotel and lay down.

G'nite.

ben