It's Nightime................

...........and there's something I really wanted to accomplish tonight. I got it done, too.
I really don't know about - whether I should post it on WWW - so I won't. I didn't murder anyone and I'm not so broke that I had to go rob a bank, if you must know. nothing so granduer. It wasn't sexual and it had nothing to do with anyone in my house.

I'll leave it at that.

As for today - just about cashed. I poisenend all the weed areas where I pulled weeds this week - hoping they don't grow back cause rock is about to go over top of that dirt. I would put plastic on the ground, but I'm afraid that dog pee not having anywhere to go but the plastic surface eventually wouldn't smell too good. I'll deal with weeds over THAT any day.

Well, anyway, Fry's has ground beef on sale - the 93 percent lean stuff - at $1.88 per pound. That's extremely cheap for those that don't know. I also found a giant pork roast for a great price - it will be cooked for 6 or 7 hours in a slow cooker, the fat will be pulled off of it and it will be pulled apart with forks - and that's the walaah - pulled pork BBQ. The make-it or break-it with such stuff is the BBQ sauce you are using. I have found some stuff that is sold in the grocery store that is just fantastic. A bottle and a half of that? Dannnnnnng!

I wrote my dad a nice long letter - a week ago. He hasn't responded. This is where my brothers get some of their anger - his non-responsiveness. He has done that as long as I have been an adult. I have been able to brush it off - must be something more important going on - my brothers have never been able to get past that and other things. Okay, maybe there ISN'T something more-important going on - the only thing I have learned from it is what NOT to do with MY son.

My life with my son has been the total opposite of what my dad did with us boys. I'm mostly always around, my dad was never around. Thing as such. I figure down the road, my son will dislike me for something I did on a recurrent basis that he hated/disliked/whatever. I just do. Parents are never perfect. We screw up with our children - one way or another - a fact of life we cannot bypass.

We try to - but when the kids grow up - if you didn't find out about it before then - they will tell you where you failed them.

Just for a small example - I was REALLY looking forward to a family reunion in Sierra Vista, Arizona, at my dad's place. The previous reunions are always on the east coast. I can't GET to the east coast in my current financial dilemna. I have priorities - vacations are on the bottom of that list. But - easily could have made the festivities 190 miles south of me.

could something change before the intended date of the reunion? Sure - but I haven't even been INVITED to this deal. I sometimes get some emails that - my dad leaves me out of, but my uncle in Florida occasionally lets me back in on - that goes back and forth between them. Yes, you have to wonder why my dad leaves me out of those emails. He does it on purpose, too - found that out quite by accident as I don't GET those emails. Excepting for my uncle. I haven't seen him since I was 16 - I have very rare, occasional emails with him when he decides he wants to engage in conversation.

I have no clue - I would call the whole bunch of them extremly arrogant and stuck-up individuals - but - I don't know all the details as I am never privy to them. Neither are my brothers. Which makes them very mad. I shrug my shoulders - I am the youngest kid in the clan. I was basically forgotten when I was a little kid growing up. My parents gave the attention to my oldest and middle brother, I was along for the ride. My mother has asked for forgiveness of this many, many times. It took quite a long time to learn things in life that most people learn much younger than I - simply because I had no clue.

No, I didn't ride my mother about this, I didn't even bring up the subject. I have found that as my mother grows older - and closer to whatever date her death will occur - she finds that she needs to unload. She's gone through quite a list of things - I wonder if there's more.

I'm lamenting - or reminscing - or somewhere in between. The thoughts entered my mind earlier today - out of the blue - and I haven't been able to shake it. My regrets about the past have nothing to do with my parents - unless you want to point the finger of non-involvement at them - and that it certainly was. I was a drunk by the age of 14, an addict by the age of 15 and a thief, burglar, and a lot of other things by the age of 15 as well. I made the choices - my parents could have stopped me.

If I had it to do over again? I would have never touched the first 2 Budweiser 24 ounce beers that were given me my brother and his friends. I held out a long time. My oldest brother was smoking reefer in the back yard every day with his friends. Both of them pushed me for years to give in. My parents? Knew what was going on, did nothing about it.

This is the age of victimization - I was totally victimized, right? Right. Sure, whatever you say. I made my choices. I was pressured - but not forced. I could blame my parents all day long - and there are times when I want to. I was not encouraged to get into sports - most parents do that in some form or another. I did that by myself - I was totally atheletic and was a great wrestler and marathon runner.

Sometimes I just hate my life. What has become of it? I look back upon my adult life - and then I realize - I've actually done alot of good. You could call this my version of a mid-life crisis, I suppose, as I have not had one that I can think of. Instead, I went through a black-hole divorce that caused me to shut down. I STILL wonder if I have woken up from that, yet.

You ask why I'm writing all of this. Just what's going through my head right now. Tomorrow, I'll wake up and realize rocks are coming and I'll forget about all of this - for a time anyway. We all have our little skeletons - little things that have haunted us our entire lifetimes. I don't care who you are, what your stature in society is - great or small - you have them. I have them. We ALL have them. HOW you deal with them is what determines whether you are going to make it or - break it.

As for me - I'm going to go to bed. I'm finding this thought process tonight to not be - productive for lack of better term. I'm not going to drag myself down by my past. My past is a smelting pot of hellish s***, there's no doubting that - people don't even believe the half of my stories about things I did, just because I am not that way now. You know what? There are times when I am tempted to respond to certain situations the same way as when I was a teenager. That would be to destroy things - houses, cars, people. I would love to hear from one single person in the universe that can honestly say that whatever they learned or did when they were growing up - still doesn't affect them today. Maybe you don't act it out, surely not - but those thoughts at least occasionally course through your head.

G'nite.
ben