Resolution

First off, I freely admit I was out-of-control angry 2 days ago with the situation at work (which is detailed in previous entries, so no need to go into all of that here). 

I have had an anger problem all of my life - to one degree or another. 

Anger has gotten me into a lot of problems that, in hindsight, would have easily been averted if I would have just let it sit for a few hours/days/however long it takes to cool down and get back into rational thought.

We all have buttons, I'm sure of that.  When someone finds mine, it's not a pretty sight.  I am not making excuses for anything.  I am, instead, capable of admitting my weaknesses and when I feel berated, humiliated, talked down to - to some degree authoritarian issues - I can say that there are occasions where I have not reacted well, at all.  In fact, if I told some of the stories from my distant past, people that know me now simply would not believe me.  

One thing I have pounded into my brain after my reaction was FAR worse than the offense that created it is: don't take action.  You wanna be mad, great, sit there and stew in it for as long as it takes to get over it, but keep your damned mouth shut (me, talking to myself).  If it is REALLY bad, don't do ANYTHING for several days.  Just wait.  Get your peace back.  Pray, seek God, think where this is going to go if you really follow through what your emotions are attempting to sway you into doing.

I learned that lesson - maybe not THAT long ago, but certainly years ago.  In this case, I did nothing.  Well, except when my manager called me that day after hearing the Ops manager's wife telling him what is going on with me - she is not a clueless blonde - she IS blonde but very intelligent and sensitive.  My manager wanted to express to me that HE had NOTHING to do with this.  Okay, I had no problem with him anyway.  He has enough on his plate with a divorce that is causing him to lose weight to - bad - proportions.  Meaning he isn't eating and the situation is messing with his head. 

So, 2 days pass.  I went through the company's website and I found the section on ethics and even specific types of statements that the encourage you to report.  My company has keystroke recognition - they can see whatever you have typed, including IM"s, everything that you wrote.  I thought about this man's personal life - his wife, just married last year I think it was, their newborn baby.  I thought about filing a formal complaint with headquarters.  I'm sure that with the content of the IM, he would get into trouble.  I then thought about all the shit I have done in my life span - transgressions and making life difficult for people (even IF I thought it deserved) and the foulness I did in my teenaged years that, again, most people won't even believe the half, or even fourth of it. 

What do Christians do? Forgive.  Try to, oh so ever-loving hard to do in some cases, but I am still a fan of the idea a person should ASK for forgiveness to GET it.  I believe that is a principle that is overlooked by many.  The Bible talks about ASKING for forgiveness, not assuming that you must get it "because you are Christian" and if you don't, you must, therefore, NOT be a Christian.  BUNK.  I will not be a doormat anymore in my life, determined that some - maybe 10 years ago, maybe a little less.  I could go into all of it - but it would take days to write and no-one would bother to read all of it and I don't really want to anyway. 

Okay.  Well, the Ops manager's wife was at our branch again today.  She likes to work at our branch because it is close to her house and the -yes - baby.  She went to get lunch.  She left HER computer up and open.  Yup, I could have gotten on there and gotten all kinds of very sensitive information regarding the company - but at the branch I am at, there is a level of trust, I hope anyway.  SHOULD she do that?  In corporate terms, no, no-one SHOULD do that.  It's not, however, like she left her computer at a Starbuck's with an aircard inserted and all the company's info exposed for the world to see. 

She came back and I "informed" her that I had made IM"s off of her computer.  Yes, I said it jokingly and it was taken as such.  She then told me about a conversation she had with her husband, the he understands that I don't like such, etc etc etc.  I replied:  well, it really wouldn't have been a problem until we got to the gay stuff.  ???? she replies.  I told her what he was telling the employee.

Fast forward.  I'm driving home and the phone rings.  I recognize the first three digits as a work number.  Ben speaking.  It was the Ops manager.  It was an apology and it didn't just sound like it was genuine, I felt it too.  It was a good conversation.  I won't go into all of that - just that it ended well. 

I don't really feel like writing anything else tonight - lots going on but I am tired, didn't sleep well last night and I must get this internet stuff over with.

ben