Well it's been a while since I posted on here, I have either not had the time (mostly) or been just too tired (sometimes, I usually can find the energy to click out an entry regardless of how fatigued I am).

So much has happened. So much mental and emotional energy.

The biggest thing this week happened yesterday.  Josiah was talking with mom earlier this week - of what I had no clue and was kept in the dark.  I was informed that he wanted to have a talk with me in his mom's presence.  I asked a lot of questions and got the runaround.  Well what is the purpose of this conversation? What is going on here?

We had some pretty long texting sessions but I never got much of anything out of it. The day before this conversation on Wednesday, feeling uneasy about whatever it was he wanted to dump on me, it was obviously not going to be pleasant and I was wondering if I wanted to be subjected to a 16 year giving me grief.  I reluctantly agreed to it, but asked him to be nice, I have feelings and emotions too, I'm not a machine.  He said yeah, it's not that bad, I just need to get something off my chest.

Okay. So yesterday arrives.  I go over there after work, we have a bite to eat, m'lady, Josiah and I go up to Josiah's room, we sit on his couch and he lays down on his bed.  What came after that out of his mouth was painful, hurtful and some of derogatory, hateful and very much antagonistic in nature.  He said it in calm tones and he didn't blow up - mostly because I was seriously biting my lip.  I was shocked, literally, at the depth and tone of his complaints against me and further unbelieving that she knew much of what he was going to go into and hadn't warned me about it first.  Yes, I had asked early this week because that is when I found out and that is when it became obvious the two had been talking.

I'm not going to relive his words by writing them here, I just am not.  Very hurtful words.  I just had such a hard time with it because we had a pretty good relationship going - all up until that girl came into his life and then his attitude started going south and he is, at this point, obsessed with this girl.  Therein lies the problem. Nothing can get in the way of it.  Nothing. When something does, he has a cow, literally I mean it gets bad.  My words cannot describe the anger and even hateful speech that comes out of his mouth when anything - even a request to do something that will take all of 2 minutes to perform - is asked and she is there with him. He goes ballistic.  Or if he makes plans - without asking permission - and then expects that his plan is going to be honored regardless of what is going on or any life situations are brought forth.

Regardless, the end result is that he doesn't want me dealing with him and his girlfriend and the requests anymore.  That has been dumped back onto mom.  I mean, in one fell swoop this all happened and left me reeling. Not that he wanted to have his mom responsible for the decisions, but the way he went about trashing me and talking s*** and even to the point of attempting to inform me how to "love" his mother.  Consider the source, right?  Yes but I am a mere human being, people talking like that to me would normally illicit a reaction right back into their face - and oohhhhhh yes, I could have given it right back to him in a thousand different ways.  But I kept silent for the most part, mostly in awe (not in a good way) of how he was talking to me and also because she had not given me the information as soon as she had heard it so that I could have at least prepared my mind, heart and spirit for what was to come.

However. He will soon find out that in life, "be careful what you wish for".  It became apparent that he thinks she will give him much more leeway, but the exact opposite is definitely true.  In reality, I give him more than she ever wants to give him.  In fact, he will find out this week.  Well, in fact, he has already found out.

We went to the lake today. My idea earlier this week - though after last night I woke up this morning not even wanting to get out of bed, much less take a group of kids and m'lady to a lake and have "fun".  It will take days - at least - for me to get this out of my system the stuff he said to me last night and deal with it and move on.  We went - I was in a bad mood, quite honestly. Very bad mood.  Having fun at the bottom of any of my lists.  Stay home and try to work through this in my inner man, more like it.  Well we go pick up his girlfriend, she doesn't even acknowledge either of us as she gets into the rather enormous 15 passenger van.

Get to the lake and get going.  Get into the water - not too murky water and perfect temperature, I was amazed.  It didn't really change my mood but at least a temporary distraction.  Which lasted not very long as we basically had a terse conversation - lady and I - about Josiah and what happened last night.  I won't go into the details, it's kinda personal but we talked through it, out in the deep water hanging onto a floating pier that had been built for people to come and sit on or jump off of at their pleasure.  I just dumped it on her because - I was mad honestly - she hadn't told me anything and I felt like I had been ambushed - here he is, he's already got it in his mind that you are now over him, I want nothing to do with it. Make the decisions, deal with him yourself, he is two handfuls and I don't think you are really capable of it, since you handed him over to me to begin with.

But I got past that, it is really Josiah I have the issue with and he undoubtedly thinks what he says was perfectly fine. Laying things out straight, as he says it, with people is not always the best thing to do.  Regardless, Josiah did get to get dropped off at gf's home tonight but was informed that tomorrow? He will have to fix the pasture fence on the side where the houses have been built.  Saturday is one of his issues - he works 50 hours a week, why does he have to spend his "only" day off working?  Well, he has 2 days off but has this excuse that because he has to go to church for 2 hours on Sunday, it isn't a day off. Yes, this is the mentality I have been working with and FAR worse than that, in reality.

I heard the end of this conversation - he was pissed.  I said nothing.  After a - fun day - I forced myself into fun mode with the kids because they were having a blast and I didn't want to be the wet blanket to bring everyone down and eventually did start having some fun horse-playing and such - we drove back.  He popped up front and said to mom: I've made my decision.  I didn't hear the whole conversation that had pissed him off because I was busy outside of the van getting my feet cleaned so I could put my shoes on.  He wanted to go to the party tonight, work tomorrow and go to her house on Sunday. She said yes, he can go tonight, has to stay home tomorrow and work and Sunday she hadn't made up her mind.

Later on I asked her what her decision was going to be - curiosity since this weekend I had been the decision maker all the way up until yesterday, attempting to decide what to allow the boy to have and not to have.  But his attitude has totally sucked and I would have probably said no to Sunday - or cut it way short.  She said no, she "probably" won't let him go at all.

If she lets him to with her after all that has happened on Sunday, I am just simply going to tell her he is her son, make the decisions, please do not ask me for any further input, I can't keep doing this.  I have to preserve some dignity and his lack of respect and outrageous attitude? I am not going to continue to be subjected to.  He needs a major attitude adjustment.

This situation pretty much consumed the entire week.  I mean seriously. Today physically took it out me - in the water all day long.  This week has spiritually and emotionally drained me.  Their church does not cut it with me, either.  It has a nice pastor, he has some interesting messages, but it is nothing like the "meat of the Word" that I was getting at the church in Tempe.  It's a large church, nothing that particularly interests me, they have very few altar calls - to simply come up and get prayed for - that really doesn't set well with me and they don't really operate in the prophetic.  To each his own, a church that doesn't have all of that isn't really anything that does much for me.

I walked into the house today - to find a total disaster.  Kitchen, living room, bedrooms.  I pretty much went into despair after this ordeal with Josiah and saw the house again in that situation this morning and just threw up hands up. Said nothing to anyone about it.  Keep the house a total disaster.  Do whatever.  Understand that I am not even thinking about marriage and moving in there in a place that is turned into s*** that fast.  The reason I went into despair is because she listened to some dude giving a message about blended families and apparently thinks that she has to be the decision maker in all things concerning kids and that I guess I should just sit there and do - what - nothing?  Just live in filth and squalor, created by untrained kids who disrespect authority more often than not and don't care how they treat the living space they are given?  Just shut my mouth forever and live and deal with it?

NOT.  Look where the decision making has gotten that household so far.  My efforts would take a while to have effect, but I am confident with enough time and consistency, I could get them to come around.  Now? Oh well.  Whatever.  I'll get past this but if she wants to wear the pants in the family, that isn't going to work. Think I have said that on here before, but I will repeat it as frequently as my inner man brings it up to me.  I am not a passive man.  I do not sit around in a family having the other half telling me and everyone else what to do and when to do it.  I can go half way and meet in the middle to some extent, but sitting  around like a pantie-waste is a notion I have not even a remote idea of entertaining, especially for commitment as big as marriage and considering a lifetime of it. NOT.

Yes, I proposed marriage but yes, a marriage date at this point is indefinite.  No-one is going to pressure me into finishing this off until I am confident that this situation is reversing and coming around - in a serious, palpable and clearly defined manner. That something in my spirit clicks and says yes, now is the time to start talking about a date.

3 day weekend.  Today at the lake, totally exhausted.  Not sure about tomorrow.  I feel like I am wasting my time at this point in trying to fix up her house and get it presentable and a nice place to live.  Josiah's task tomorrow will take all day long.  I may go out there and help him. Yeah I know, sounds ridiculous.  I feel the need to at least try and work through this.  7 or 8 hours of working on a fence with him might prove fruitful.  Yep. That particular stretch of fencing - which is around 800 feet long - has been problematic with cows getting out and it needs a good fix and it's going to take an entire day to do it. 4 hands will get it done quicker.

Whatever the case, I refuse to sit in a house with garbage (literally household type garbage), clothing and whatever else laying around all over the place on the floors and everywhere else for that matter and just sit there and "take it". I will go outside and either sit out there or find something to do and when the subject finally comes up.  I am not going to clean up after kids.  They can clean up their own mess and if I no longer have any say in it, then she can tell them to do it, which obviously - she has not.

I am not trying to trash her, I love her and that's a fact.  To go into the events in her life that have led up to this would take a LOT of writing and is far too personal for me to write here.  It just wouldn't be right to do that, so I am not.

Well I am tired and finally at least getting something on here.

G'nite.

ben

Well computer crisis averted at least.
I got a wifi adapter for my desktop and it works swimmingly well.
20 bucks cheaper than buying a new laptop of which I can't afford right now anyway.
I much prefer this computer anyway and really slowed down the use of the laptop away from home
after getting an iPhone - which kinda takes the place of it since it's much smaller and just
much easier to deal with.

But at home? I want a regular computer with a large screen.  This screen is 21 inches, much easier
on the eyes and pics a lot easier to see in detail, among other things, such as the use of a keyboard
instead of a microphone to type in entries and do other things on the internet.

So that makes me much happier.

As for yesterday's situation, didn't do any major work at the house, just a lot of cleanup and dealing with a particular 16 year juvenile that had a major attitude going, even though mom allowed him to get an iPhone 5s and took him there to get it plus his GF was over and spent the entire day with her.

And there-in lies the problem. That girl comes over and he is all over her.  He cannot be told to do anything without it turning into a major issue.  3 times asked to clean up a mess outside one of the dogs made, 3 times cleaned up a little bit and then rushed back into the house, attitude all over his face and tones.

_____________________________

Uhhh, started this one a few days ago and haven't had time since.  I cannot possibly envision a lifetime of what is going on now.  There is way too much contention in that house and I can't stand it.  There are only two responses I want to give in such situations - either shut my mouth and let them go at it or get up and walk.  I have no desire to be involved in arguments that get to the point that my insides feel like they are being ripped out and I am not even a part of the argument.  There are other options, obviously, that I could do but it just feels like a sharp rake being dragged in my inner man when stuff like that is going on and I just want nothing to do with it.

Yesterday, I was involved with a conversation with Josiah.  I was attempting to lead up to attitude issues that occurred this weekend - of which there were plenty - and she comes out, gets up on the trailer we are sitting on and then takes over the conversation.  Literally.  Then the two started going at it with each other - his gf was wearing short shorts, I mean shorts that show @$$ type of shorts.  The stuff people are wearing today..... Regardless, when they started in and she took over? I just shut my mouth.  After at least 10 minutes of it, probably a lot more I wasn't keeping track and just sitting there listening to them going at it with each other, I was finally asked my opinion.

After all of that and them getting into it they want my  opinion.  Yeah, right.  I just said no, it's time for me to go home.  You want control, he's your son, you said you wanted help but you don't really want help.  She wants me to try and fix things after the damage is already done. A one step forward and two steps back type of situation.  I finally told her she took over the conversation. Oh, yes, she says, you were talking to him about his attitude.  No, I replied, I never even got to that point with it, I was leading up to it until you came and started in on him about his gf wearing short shorts, which had absolutely nothing to do with what I was attempting to talk to him about.  It was time for me to leave.  I get out of there too late and then get back to my place too late and then my schedule is thrown totally off, I was trying to leave a little earlier so I could come back and get some things done.

Anyway, when I left, both of them were sitting on that trailer, one of them looking down at the floor boards saying nothing and the other looking out into the horizon, also saying nothing and looking very dejected.  What was I supposed to do?  I told them both: this conversation was hijacked and now I don't have time to get it back to where I was leading it.  It will take at least another hour to start all of this all over again and lead up to where I am going with it.  I don't have the time for it now, we will have to continue it some other time.

That was the end of my weekend over there.  She continuously says she wants to work together with me with him, yet she makes all of these decisions when I am not there and says nothing about them and then I end up finding out about it from the boy, not her.  Just for one minor thing (not going into major stuff here), she took the guitar that I let him and his brother use away from them.  I brought that up to her.  You took away that guitar and said nothing about it to me.  You want me to confer with you about everything when it comes to them but you just make your decisions and do whatever you please without even bothering to tell me even after the fact.  I have to find out from them about things?!!

That was pretty much the jist of our conversation last night after I got home, which went on too late so I didn't get enough sleep last night, etc etc etc, ad nauseum.  I left it at: You want control of everything, you want to make the decisions, have at it!  I will have nothing to do with it and I will have to think about what is next for me.  I can't live like that and unless this situation starts to change - even remotely a little bit - marriage is way off in the future if ever, not anything that is going to happen anytime soon.

Well here it is time to leave for work, so off I go.

G'day.

ben

So here we go. My laptop died. I mean when I try to build it up it starts running for about five or six seconds and then shuts itself back off, drive down about 2030 times and decided Yep it's dad.

My only connection to the Internet at this point is my iPhone. My desktop computer isn't bad, but I have no way to hook it up to the Internet. We lady said last night I could hook it up through the iPhone with the power cord with USB on one end and the iPhone connector on the other didn't do it but I couldn't get it to recognize that it was a Internet connection.

I don't really want to spend the money on monthly Internet service is just another monthly commitment of money that I don't have a can't afford and don't want to pay anyway. Though being disconnected from the world like I feel I am right now I may end up changing that story. Though the iPhone is great, it has such a small screen I just prefer much preferred to use a computer with a big screen on it. I am using the microphone to make this entry and I am not going to proofread this entry, so if there are unintelligible sentences appointment on the microphone.

 It may very well be that on craigslist I could possibly find an old use laptop that will suffice for now so that I can at least get my entries on and get on Facebook and check out the things on the Internet then I like to check such as craigslist and such. But I no longer live in the Phoenix area and I have found that Craigslist down in these parts is pretty Spartan on much of anything. In other words, there isn't much posted there is some but not that much, I also try Shreaveport craigslist and then as some as well but put it altogether and it still isn't even a fraction of what I can find for Craigslist in Phoenix.

Another option I may very well try is to put a card in my desktop computer to access Wi-Fi off the iPhone and see if that will work. They don't have fries electronics in these parts and I apparently it's only mom-and-pop shops that you can get electronics parts that.    what that means is it's probably pretty expensive to find computer parts around here. Yes I could order one online but to get this done quickly I am going to have to try to find something answer to the situation soon.

So life goes on. It's Saturday morning getting close to 7 o'clock and I was informed yesterday that I have to come into work as well as everyone else to complete the biannual physical inventory counts. Dragging myself out of bed this morning was like dragging a dead body to the more I simply did not want to get out of bed. Two of the kids were over as well they wanted to come regardless of the fact that they would have to get up as early as I did to go home because they can't stay there alone they're not old enough for responsible enough to watch themselves. Allegedly it will only take 2 to 3 hours since this is now the second account. The first count you just do the inventory count everything, the second time to try to figure out what is wrong with counts better off according to the computer system.

A first for me since in the Phoenix area they do not allow drivers to do inventory and it's not something I wanted to do anyway because you got no overtime for it. Any overtime that you God you had to give up during the coming week and take a day or however many hours off to compensate for it. That isn't true here, whatever hours I get in today I will be keeping it's all overtime which is good because I'm driving clear the heck in there and back and that's a little bit of money) itself so that they had to at least pay for itself in fuel.

The point is however, I am feeling like doing absolutely nothing today. Meaning when I get off work there is a very good probability that this weekend? I'm not going to do anything but cleaning chores and those kids will be helping me right along with me. Or I suppose I could make the kids work since half of them haven't been there for the last two weekends and have done little of anything around the house. They will pay for that, especially when mom is trying to give them to do things and they are either refusing or just aren't doing it.

The only person that gets a pass is Josiah. He is working a job for the summer which is keeping him out 10 1112 hrs. a day, and the last two days he came home after doing all that amended brush hogging out in the pastures. The reason he was doing that is so that he could have his girlfriend over today and not have to work while she is there. Allegedly he did to entire pastors in the last two days which is no small amount of work I won't have to inspect it myself. Be put in the effort to get it done and so I'm going to let him have her over today, but, there is a catch.

Mom is not feeling well and was puking last night so I am not going to have her watching teenage boys and girls while she is sick. That means girlfriend cannot come over until I get there. I already informed him of this last night he was probably not too happy but oh well so sad too bad. She will be able to have plenty of time over there today regardless so I'm worrying about it. Not that I wouldn't worry about it anyway LOL.

I'm almost definitely decided not to work today at the house. I promised attending the 13-year-old that we would  go get some fish for their new little fish tank and I was not able to do that last weekend with them because they were at their dads house. I don't mind giving them their fish as I promised to do, but at the same time they are going to work today I do believe. I tinzaparin watch TV LOL, while they are working away.

Just don't know yet. I was also going to go looking at some fishing gear that is advertised online and I just don't want to leave the kids at home while mom is sick. I don't know if she will want to come with us or to stay home and rest. Hunting and fishing are on the brain, I may not know how to hunt that well and definitely would not know how to field dress a dead beer or hog, but I definitely know how to fish and how to clean a fish including hunting instead of cutting off Gilsan things and scaling them and cleaning out their guts and all that good stuff.

Something that they have out here that I never heard of before, i'm sure everyone else has, our deer lease is. Apparently you can pay a landowner however much money to have exclusive rights to hunt whatever dear may be on the property. That is something that I am very interested in, but I have no idea how much it cost. In the here and now I am going to get a fishing license and some fishing gear and go fishing with whichever boys or girls would like to go.

Speaking of money, there is too much to do here and too little money to get it done with. I am contemplating taking out a Nother 401(k) loan to be able to do some of the things that need to be done. I was also interested in buying a good used ATV to ride around on the property. It is unfortunate but true that she had text to post things that seem to be related to having fun. She has heard that ATV/4 wheelers are dangerous and therefore neither I nor the kids should have access to one.

Although technically that's quite true, so is everything else we do in life. The absence of the ability for those kids to do much of anything fun over there is half the problem. I remember growing up and my parents dictating that we could neither have guns for hunting nor motorcycles for having fun. I'm more than made up for that after leaving the house by having street bikes and riding dirt bikes and writing three wheelers quite frequently.

The idea that I should live my life in fear of what may happen is not something that set well with me. Though I guess she is not as opposed to having dirt bikes for the kids instead of ATVs so I might get the kids one of those. They are much cheaper anyway.

On a different note, I would also like to take the family to either hurricane Harbor or Six Flags this summer. I'm more into water parks and roller coasters anymore because roller coasters pretty much make me dizzy after a while, and I haven't been online in a couple of years. Six Flags over Dallas is about 150 miles away, there is a waterpark about 3040 miles from her house but the price is almost as much as hurricane Harbor and it has much less to offer. 

Well I am almost at work so going to end this post. Just random thoughts going through my mind this point. I have no idea how many mistakes the microphone may have made, but I do know that sometimes it makes for some extremely entertaining reading.

Good day.

Ben

So that's that.
Get that trailer fixed and that will be the worst of the problems done with in that yard.
I just don't understand why a new person has to come along and be the bad guy to point out all this junk?

I expect to have a conversation about this with the manager at some point very soon They want to know why people don't say anythin g about this stuff, I can pinpoint it pretty quick: fear.  Don't rock the boat. Don't make waves. Just do what you're told. You know it ain't right but you will be looked upon in a negative light for bring such things to management attention.

But the Department of Transportation takes precedence.  They give more reason to say something than not.  If you are caught out there driving a truck with inoperative brakes on a commercial vehicle, they can do all KINDS of things to you and put you in a world of hurt.  Not only that, but if you get fired or get trouble from mangement about saying such things, there are laws in place to deal with that as well.  Further, corporate frowns on having trucks in bad condition.

I expect that I will have to give some amount of attitude to get my point across, because they seemingly don't care.  That truck trailer still has bald tires even after pointing it out to mangement, ie: taking the store manager to the truck and showing him the tires in person and him seeing it for himself.  Now they are taking that truck in this morning to have it all repaired, but look what it took to getthis done.  It's total BS and I intend on addressing this culture of fear and getting it out in the open and having a candid discussion about it.  if I lose my job because of it, I can sue the company and they can pay me a tidyi sum plus get fined by the DOT.  That's the nuts and bolts of it.

As for the situation at the house and the lady, well, it's been pretty tense for the last couple of days.  She has alienated me from the kids excepting Josiah and the only reason that hasn't happened with him is he has a cell phone and texts me pretty frenquently.  Standoffish I guess is a good way to put it.  I didn't go over there yesterday and definitely not today, I can't go to church with them becauseit goes on too late.  Where is this going? I have no idea, yet.

What I do know is that I am almost at work and time to get offa here.

G'day.

ben

I didn't figure that the story was being told to management.  I had my doubts anyway and had to speak it for myself.  So sitting there speaking to the dude that said he had talked to management - well I wasn't convinced.  Just happened that the store manager walked up. "So, did you know that the brakes on that trailer are inoperative?"  Pretty blunt, yes and to the point. But I didn't just stop there, I told him the story of picking up the trailer down south and testing the brakes right off the bat. 

It's a task I do every day before going anywhere in any semi - test the trailer brakes. First time in my life, actually, that I got the truck rolling, shifted into neutral and pulled that handle that puts on the trailer brakes only - to have NOTHING happen. He looks at me funny after that and says, well, Eugene says the brakes work a little. They don't work great but they work. NO, I rebutted, they do NOT work!  The man I was talking with finally backed me up.  Nope,and started to tell a story of another driver that had the trailer in Baton Rouge that had trouble getting the thing to slow down on "Rainbow Bridge"  - apparently a very high and very steep bridge over the Mississippi River.  

Well, I'm thinking after he tells this story, how the h*** long has this thing been like this? I then went into how unsafe that truck is, how much trouble whoever is driving it could get into, on and on.  Please, let's take CARE of this situation.

After that?  All hell breaks loose. How's come no-one said anything about this?  Give me a break. I am the new comer and I have to do all of this?  Those other drivers what, living in fear? I don't care! I am risking my career to drive a thing in that condition!  I GET THE TICKET, IT GOES ON MY RECORD, I HAVE TO PAY THE FINE!  And whatever other things may happen, such as a very dark spot on my truck records that are on a nationwide data base for employers to see that I was caught driving a truck in bad condition and unsafe to motoring public? BS!

Floodgate was opened after management said no, that truck isn't going anywhere tomorrow but the shop! Well h***, that thing isn't even safe to drive to the shop! But I didn't say that, I'll take that over nothing at all.  

I know, I gotta big mouth sometimes, but almost always it's to help a cause', in this case: MY cause!

ben

I talk to her friend occasionally, we just talk about everything that is going on.  She told me last week that I am not cutting it for m'lady and that I either need to step it up or there may be the possibility of not having a "good marriage".  I've had ample time to think about those words and wondered what, exactly, m'lady has been telling her because in reality?  I have done nothing BUT give my time, mind and heart to her.

I suppose the thought has crossed my mind that a person that has as many issues as she does - rebellious kids, torn up house, menopause, financial issues, etc weighing on her and getting angry at kids and ex and all of that?  Probably would eventually find a reason to turn on me as well at some point. I have taken the brunt of a lot of emotional "stuff" from her in trying to help her walk through all of this but the problem here is that I am gettting nothing back to replenish it.  I am becoming spiritually and emotionally drained.  This cannot continue like this for my own well-being, which I find I MUST take into consideration.  I've been down the road of neglecting your own needs to help meet the needs of others, it is definitely not good for a person.

You eventually become burnt out to the point that you want nothing to do with whatever - or whoever - it is that got you to that point.  You withdraw and find yourself even going into depression.  You don't think clearly and the only thing that starts to emerge is self-preservation.  I find I must take the appropriate steps at this point to keep that from happening.

I identified last night another issue that is eating at me.  She wants me to conform and change to what she wants me to be, not allow me to be who I am.  I like my occasional ice-cold beers, I don't get drunk.  I never lost the taste for beer after I gave my life to the Lord and I struggled with that for a long time, but I finally came to the conclusion that a few beers isn't going to send me to hell.  I do allow a few cuss words to slip through my lips here and there. I like to watch movies, some of which she objects to.  I cannot give my every waking moment to her - of which I pretty much have for quite a long time now.  I must have some alone time, everyone needs that.  I don't ascribe tothe woman wearing the pants philosophy.  Lots of small things and a few bigger things that are all adding up.

I never went into this with her expecting that she was going to change into something that she isn't. SHE said she wanted to change and not at my urging, that has to come from within.  I expect the same freedom. If I want to change some things in my life, it should be because I have identified something that I want to eliminate from my life or otherwise see changed to something a little better, NOT because someone is attempting to force me to do it.

Am I talking to myself? Yeah, sort of.  I am writing out my feelings, helps me to assess where I am at and what I need to do next.  No clear path here, but I probably need a few days away from her. I don't know what she neds, I only know that I have given of myself to the point that I am at a breaking point and I can't let that happen.

Just seems like my feelings and needs aren't even considered here.  Just give, give, give.

Well whatever.  Almost at work.

ben

Well things went even further downhill yesterday.
First the fact that I was very tired - I didn't sleep well Sunday night and I paid for that yesterday. It was a busy day, non-stop. usually something I prefer but yesterday - was no fun.  After finally getting a 10 and a half hour work day done, I had to head over to her place to fix the brakes on the pickup that Josiah drives.  Ooops forgot about something that was said to me yesterday morning that really set me off.  To put it in "nice" terms, I am not a person who is agreeable with the lady side of the equation wearing the pants in the family.  If I don't even have at least equal decision making processes concerning whatever, well, that isn't going to work for me.

So anyway, 50 minute drive over there and had to deal with a creditor who said my payment was messed up. Then contacting Josiah - please have tools ready to go, I want to get this over with when I get there, not spend half an hour looking for tools that everyone just chucks wherever, whenever.  Arrive, yawning, wasted tired, pleeeease let's get this over with, I want to go home and collapse.

She comes out.  I am not going to go into personal details, but things went south quickly.  Josiah comes out - gung ho -wants to learn how to do brakes.  We get busy. Some of the most trashed brakes I have EVER seen and that is saying something considering the amount of brakes I have replaced on all kinds of vehicles.  The pistons were completely extended out of the calipers on both sides, but on one side, the damage was so extensive that the brake pad had actually dislodged from the caliper and had gotten lodged in a cover to keep debris from the road off of the rotors.

The caliper pistons themselves - different kind of setup, 2 pistons on each caliper instead of the one piston I am accustomed to seeing - were contacting the rotor to do the stopping. I have never seen that before.

Anyway, we had to replace parts and off to the store to get them.  Well, went inside to tell her that we were leaving and she - dressed me down in front of her kids.  I mean, seriously berated me and let me have it.  It was all I could do to contain myself and just turn and walk out of there.  I don't put up with that kind of s*** from anyone, much more a person I am engaged to.  There is a lot more but there are just things that need not go into here. I may on another blog I have that isn't read by anyone, but not here.

Soooo, anyway, got the parts, had Josiah do most of the work excepting getting the pistons back in.  The calipers probably should be replaced, but they are not leaking and they are functioning, trying to keep it a cheap fix until "more" money can be acquired at a future date.  Got everything back together, put tools away and Josiah was insisting I go on a test drive with him.  C'mon man, let's go!  Well why not.  Hey dude, wanna get something to eat?  Ummm, sure why not.  So, brakes working as good as they can - rotors not turned either but not so damaged that the brakes won't work - in reality the proper fix would have been to replace rotors and calipers - but, I have done these kinds of repairs before and though it isn't ideal, it works regardless.

So off to McDonakld's.  Not my first choice but it was his and since he was buying what the heck.  He has a job and works some pretty good hours and gets some okay paychecks.  We spent quite a bit of time talking about things. Regardless, got back, she's acting like nothing had happeneed. Sorry, I don't go for being treated like that and then somehow just forgetting it just happened. Didn't really leave in good terms and had quite a lengthy discussion on messaging after I finally got home at almost 9 pm and stayed up way too late talking about all of it so here we go again, facing another day at work on not enough sleep.

Whatever. My "free" time is up. Time to head off to work.

G'day.

ben

.............and then if the stuff going on at that house weren't enough, I have to go to a workplace that considers that bald tires, bad straps and non-functioning brakes ona tractor-trailer rig is somehow acceptable.  Or that they can just put it off for however long and deal with it on their own good time.

I'm the new guy there and I have to be the one that struggles with management toget this stuff fixed? Especially considering one other driver knows about this situation and has only spoken about it once and then nothing else?Huge company, deep pockets, allegedly safety is of utmost priority. And with my expereince with the company in Phoenix, it really is.

I spent some time contemplating that this weekend and remembered a long time ago when first starting out with the company that management was clueless about commercial vehicles and the rules and regulations that go on along with them, and they didn't care that much.  It took quite some time to get them dialed into the fact that this isn't a game, DOT definitely isn't playing games and with something as serious as the condition of that tariler at work? They could throw a driver into jail for that.

I just don't feel like fighting with people right now about things they should know about since it's their job tro know about such things.  If I go in there and tell them that I refuse to drive that truck in that condition - completely illegall and totally unsafe - then what?  But DOT puts the responsibility square on the back of the driver.  The company doesn't get the ticket or face jail, the driver does.  Yet the company is responsible for the maintenance and repairs of the vehicles, so if they don't want to do anything, then what? Find a new job?  I guess  I'll make huge waves before that happens though.

Meaning I will take this all the way up to corporate if I have to and if I find myself contemplating finding a new place to work because of this.  Actually, I could call DOT and tell them what's going on and yes, they can send someone over there to verify if the information is true.  Then the company comes under heightened scrutiny and in this day and age, they don't want that.  New rules and ergs put in place give the Feds teh power to completely shut down a trucking company or shut down a company's operations that has a fleet of trucks to deliver the products that they sell.

And they have done it, too.
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I brought the tires up to the manager last week and he said he would get them replaced. The correct reply to tires that are bald is this truck is going to sit here until the tires are replaced and he is going to call a tire truck out to do that right now or asap.  This is what I'm up again.

All of this with the house and job is taking it's toll on me.  I can't keep this up forever, it's more than I can handle, too much "sensory input" and the mind and heart having to deal with too much all at once.  I gotta find a way to lighten this up.

Problems.
Issues.
Contention.
Yeah I knew what I was getting myself into, but I guess I didn't expect that it was going to be that way more often than not.
In fact, most of the time in one form or another.
Very little peace.
In fact, the peace I get is when I get back to my little abode.
And then sit here for a bit and start thinking about things.

But I don't get much time for that considering the schedule. Cept'ing on weekdays after work when I don't go over there.  I may not go today just because of this last weekend and I need to regroup.  Getting drained continuously without a fresh supply going  back in cannot be sustained.

I am not going to go into what, exactly, happened this weekend, just it was very unsettling and has me wondering about things.

If in the end I tried my best, gave it my all and continued in hope and attempting to work things out - and it doesn't work?  Then I will find that I will have to walk away from the situation and let it go.  Not my first choice or desire, but I've already been through hell in a marriage and I refuse to knowingly walk into another one.

So I guess that paints the picture well enough.  Well I ain't giving up.  yet.  Just feel like this is heading the wrong direction and I'm not sure what is going to turn that around.  To go into details would reveal too much personal information about the entire situation to the entire world - or at least the world that reads any of this - at least for now.

As for right now? Monday.  Must be about the business of getting to work and going through another day.

ben

Almost 8 hours.
Hours and hours worth of using a grinder with a wire brush wheel attachment getting mold off of wood. Wood and drywall installation.  Tape and mud. Paint. Screws.  Look for this, look for that.  Allllllllllll day long.  But, it is finally finished - well not entirely but the brunt of the work is definitely done.

That house had been smelling like mold for months.  I had no idea where it was coming from and neither did she.  Only because the Dish Network guy came out and had to get into the closet where the water heater is did we find out what was going on. I had to do the job right. Mold is bad.  But this was even a worse scenario. that water heater was in the same closet as the air handler for the central AC system.  No wonder the house smelled like mold, the AC unit was right there, pumping it throughout the house!

Around 18 total man-hours addressing the issue. A few more things to do - a couple hours worth probably - but the worst of it is over. As far as dealing with that house? This wasn't even on the books. This was a totally unknown situation but took complete precedence over everything else when found out.  The house is ever so slowly beginning to change.

I'm slowly coming to a sense of when a marriage could actually take place.  I'm guessing Fall. I'll leave it at that for now.

__________________________________________________

Didn't finish entry last night.  Owner of property I am staying at came up to me yesterday and informed me that she is having the property appraised and then she is selling it. She said it could be a month, several months, who knows how long until someone makes an offer on it.  Wonderful.  Except the price of the rent - I think it's a bit steep for what it is - I like this place.  Out in the country, literally.  The nearest store is 12 miles away.  No noise pollution unless you believe that horses make unnecessary noise, lol.  Fresh clean air.

So, do I start looking for a new place? lol

Next project in that house is the master bedroom.  You wanna talk about the biggest bedroom I have EVER seen.. I mean, I could cut the room in half or even thirds and have a living room, bedroom and kitchen and LIVE in that room without need for any access to any of the rest of the house!  It's huge! There is no flooring in that room, soooo, that is going to be a project in itself. Determining what kind of flooring and then coming up with the bucks to actually do it will be - well just have to pray about that one.  Meanwhile,  the paint in that room is unbelievably - ugly.  One of m'lady's older kids was going to use it as a hangout place for teens and they were painting it and doing all sorts of stuff with it - until that backfired and she was kicked out.  Long story there.

But the color paint they chose? No way.  Dark blue and they were going to paint the floor black!  Yuck! The bathroom, well it needs a lot of work too.  Tile has to be taken up and replaced. No shower in there, just a tub, I don't take baths, haven't since I was a kid, smelling pretty good right now.  No, I just like showers.  Dark, not enough lighting in there.  Just don't like it.  The sink/counter has been trashed by those kids, that will have to re replaced as well.

Well anyway. Sunday morning. Chilling in front of the TV watching Cahill, U.S. Marshall. Wayne one of my favorite actors of all time.  Going to m'lady's in a while and then off to church, back to her house, hang out for the day - kids still gonna be at ex's house - watch some movies, just hang out.  I'm not working today excepting to push a broom and do some general cleanup over there.  Yesterday's near 8 hours was enough for me.  5 days of 10 hour workdays coming up, I really don't need to be exerting myself too much on a Sunday.

Well, time to be off.

G'day.

ben

I just walked through the door to my house.  The significance?  I left here at 5:55 am and it is now almost 10:30 pm.  I'm flat worn out.  I mean, I have no intention of getting out of bed before 9:00 am.  Well maybe 8, but certainly nothing earlier than that.

I was exposed to this region's version of hot today and hot it was.  Only 100 degrees but the humidity was very high in Shreveport.  I only had one run today and that was pretty short lived.  The rest of it was working in the heat.  I'm not really complaining, once you start sweating and as long as you keep drinking plenty of fluids, pretty much okay.  Just don't go inside in the AC at all or as little as possible.  But - it does take it out of you.

It's become glaringly obvious that what I am dealing with when it comes to trucks and most of these people is pure and plain ignorance. Not using that word as an insult, just a descriptor of the situation there.  Management has no clue about trucks and what is required.  This is pretty common to find management in charge of a fleet of trucks big or small not really knowing mucho of anything about them. The semi trailer has two serious problems: bald tires and non-functioning brakes.  Well the brakes work, but they are worn out and if you get the truck rolling and then hit the trailer brake bar - nothing happens.  That is a serious violation that would get the truck put out of service.

I brought up the tires today, I will bring up the brakes next week. I am not driving that vehicle next week but that doesn't excuse me from dealing with it because the other drivers - are not.  The "senior" driver said he knew about it for a while now - the brakes and the tires.  He claims he has said something to them about it, but it's clear that one individual in management doesn't want to hear about it and that - is extremely bothersome.  How do you justify putting off having bald tires and non-functioning brakes on a tractor-trailer rig in having it fixed - immediately - when you find out about it?

I've decided that I am going to refuse to drive it until they fix it.  Every other driver should do the same thing.  A DOT official could actually throw a person in jail for knowingly driving a commercial vehicle that is in such a bad state of repair.

Enough of that.  I went to bed late last night before even finishing this entry. Was too tired. Then I got a text at midnight from Josiah - he was heading home from work.  Then another from the tracker at 7:30am. Oh, yes, he has to take the trash out to the curb.  It's - not close to the house.  Then yet another text: I'm leaving.  Where? Gf.  You didn't clear this with me (he asked the other day but didn't specify when) and did you ask your dad (he's supposed to be with him today along with the rest of his bro's/sis's). Uhhh, I forgot.  Now we have a problem.  This went on for a while.  I'll give him credit that his attitude is definitely getting better.  Not that I haven't been telling him repeatedly that if his attitude stays good, he gets more freedoms.  If it goes south, he gets a leash put on him.

Anyway, I am tired.  Just worn out is more like it.  10 hour work days and getting home late, getting up early - taking it's toll on me.  I don't feel like doing anything today, but m'lady's water heater project isn't going to get finished with me sitting over here watching John Wayne movies.  But I am going to finish watching the one I am watching right now before I head over there : ) But no kids, which isn't all that great because I keep them working all day on Saturdays. They have every other day of the week to do much of nothing since it's summertime and they are out of school.

Which reminds me, another problem child  Serious situation.  I am not, unfortunately at this point, there enough to deal with him.  Actually he has serious spiritual issues and this is not something that will go away any time soon as long as the boy (will remain unnamed) doesn't want freedom from it.  Point? Causing mom a lot of grief.  Again, no easy fixes here.

Anyway, enough for now.

G'day.

ben

So yesterday, those kids ended up working all day long versus the day before, where they refused to do anything.
The difference? I told one of them that if they didn't start doing their chores, they would lose the fresly installed satellite; guitars, fish tank and whatever else temporarily until their attitudes changed.
\
I did not go over there yesterday and have pretty much blown off Wednesdays as any day to go there because they go to Wednesday church service and it goes on too late for me.  I can't go over there every day anyway, the fuel use is too much.  It's another 30 plus miles of driving which adds up every week to an already bloated fuel budget.  At some point I will have to decide whether I can bear this schedule at work and if I want to continue with it, because if I do, another mode of transportation that gets much better fuel mileage will be in order.  That would have to be a motorcycle, a thing of which I have mixed feelings about.

Haven't rode a street bike in a couple of decades now.

And let the cranking continue.  Regarding a 16 year old boy who feels it's appropriate to text in ANY situation - at the dinner table; in church during service; while people are talking to him, stuff like that.  So I started in on him about that last night.  Of course he didn't like, what else is new.  I don't care.  I say stuff to total strangers about rude behavior with cell phones - such as holding up a line at a grocery store because they are texting or talking on the phone instead of paying the bill.

There are no easy answers or quick fixes with these boys.  I try not to dump too much on them all at once - there are numerous issues each of them have that if left unchecked will not exactly have them ready to be "productive" citizens in society once they are of age and decide to leave home.  A glaring inability to be able to cope with interpersonal issues is one of the biggest issues in all thre of the teenage boys.  Eruptions into instant anger is the norm for them.  Lashing out and saying hurtful things to people is their modus operandi for even the most petty of things and situations where that kind of outlandish behavior is totally unacceptable given the scenario presented.  As far as these kids are concerned, I did not expect to be able to come into this situation and wave a magic wand and make things all better instantaneously.  In fact, I have wondered if in some cases any kind of reversal could take place at all.  But I will persevere and hope and believe that that isn't the case.

Whatever the case, all of the kids are going over to their dad's on Friday and coming back who knows when, the entire weekend?  No idea.  So no work from them this weekend meaning anything that gets done - will be from me alone.  The wood is finally dry, I think, where the water heater has been leaking so I can sand it down, get as much of the black mold out of there as possible, treat the cracks with more of the liquid that is especially designed to neutralize it, install wood and drywall and then install the heater itself.  She has another water heater in the house, it's not like they've gone without hot water for a week. I figure that finishing that project is pretty much going to take all of Saturday considering the amount of work to be done but finish it I intend on doing.

Finally got my Direct TV to work.  I figured out that the satellite dish that is there is not compatible with my DVR.  I installed my old dish last night and was able to get it up and runing within a short period of time.  I am not the biggest fan of TV, but I do like to watch some here and there, certain shows that I like but mostly movies.  It was nice to finally figure that out and get it going again, especially considering the monthly bill ofr that nonsense which is around the 100 makr because of all the receivers aat teh house in Phoenix.

Well, this entry waxeth long so time to end it.  On my way to work anyway.

G'day.
\
ben

Quick entry.
Tuesday morning, just before leaving for work.
The 3 teenage boys getting into things yesterday while
m'lady was at work.  Even with a "nanny" at home,
though she doesn't expect her to have to deal with some of this
stuff.  I dunno why, that nanny is getting paid pretty good,
deal with some of this, please!  I can only do so much and that
is only when I am there.

One of them broke into her closet, again, stealing candy and money.
2 of them refusing to do anything around the house, not even 10
minutes worth of chores.
I can't go into all of it for a variety of reason, just it's a situation
that I need to put a lot of prayer into and ask God what is next?
Them boys will listen to me - I don't tend to take no for an answer
and I don't put up with the BS.  Just do it, get it over with and keep
the comments to yourself.

Well whatever.  Headed off to work early.  Pretty good drive
coming up to Dallas and wherever else they were going to have
me going today.  That should pretty much eat up the entire work
day, which is why it makes me happy.

G'day.

ben

Mondays can always be really bad days at work.
Today? Bad for the contractor I was delivering to, great for me!
I got to the site - well I had to park the truck in the roadway on a 2 lane highway effectively blocking one direction of travel - got out, talked, they got their machine and then? Found out it had a flat tire. They called the mobile tire repair truck and waited.  And waited. And waited some more.  I called my company, no way am I sitting out there that long without them giving me approval to do so.  Cause' honey? It took 4 hours for those people to get there and fix that tire. I probably slept for an hour and a half sitting in the truck.  It felt good, too.

After all that stuff we did on Saturday, it just got me good.  I was so tired after that day and the work week before it, I still wasn't feeling anything close to rested this morning, even after doing much of nothing yesterday/Sunday. Well I take that back. When I got there yesterday, I cleaned up the kitchen, got the kids working on cleaning up their messes and then went to church.  After church I came back and inspected the mold covered wood to see if it had dried yet - which it had not. That water heater must have been leaking for a long time for that wood to be that saturated.  Oh wait a minute, after church we went to McDonald's and got dollar menu stuff.  Bought a small fish tank for 2 of them on Saturday and then set that up yesterday.  It caught up to me around 1 or 2 so I was invited to go to a bedroom and crash for a while, which I did.  Got up, kids left for dad's house, we went to a restaurant and spent some time alone, without all those kids around.  That was nice : )

Today, after that fiasco at that jobsite, I was sent to the great state of Alabama.  Pick up some HDPE pipe from a distributor's yard and upon returning - late after everyone but one dude had gone home - found out I am taking it to Dallas tomorrow. 384 miles - well probably over 400 apparently Dallas isn't really where it's going, somewhere near there but beyond it - of driving bliss for a round trip.  I'm sorry, HDPE is High Definitely Polyethylene pipe.  It's probably the most durable pipe to be found anywhere on the planet - and the most expensive. I have dropped huge bundles of the stuff off the side of the semi - on purpose - from 10 feet up knowing it won't damage it.  The pipe is fused together with a fusion machine, basically a glorified heat welder.

Didn't go to her house today. Too tired, plus got off late and would have had less time to spend there plus I have to get up early.  I mean, earlier than normal.

Ummm, lots more.  Lots.  I just don't have the energy.  Long days.  Not that I hate it, but my body is worn out.  My mind is saying go to bed even though it's only a little after 8. Whatever the case, I can't write anymore today.

ben

Well, here we are Sunday night, a very long weekend ended.  And then the start of a long work week - definitely not used to 10 hour work days yet, dunno if I ever will.  I mean, I have in the past and I worked 12 hour days for year long ago and even longer hours on the mission field, but once I got used to 8 hours a day I was pretty good with that.  No desire to do much changing of it.

So I dunno. Around 3 o'clock in the after noon and I am ready to go home.  Instead, there are still 2 hours to burn and even if I could get off earlier, I wouldn't be able to do it for sake of my paycheck.

So anyway, went over to m'lady's house on Friday after work, hung out with her, took all 4 boys home with me - they wanted to come over - messed around on video games for awhile, around 11:30 I made them all go to bed.  Josiah wanted to go to bed anyway, he knew I was making him work all day long and he wanted to be able to go over to his GF's house after getting done with everything - a thing of which I never promised him he could do. But he was intent on trying.

So Saturday morning, the Dish Network dude calls me early, he is coming over. Great.  I call her and tell her, she said don't worry she will take care of it. Okay.  Well, when he got there, they had to go into a closet where one of the water heaters is  that has existent cable lines running through.  Kabling.  This is where the mold smell has been coming from.  The hallway floor covered in water and the wat3er heater leaking it out. Upon inspection, black mold everywhere in that huge closet. Drywall, flooring, wood beams, everything. She calls me again, very upset.  Another disaster.  Lots of them have gone on over there - it's an old house and things are wearing out and breaking down.

Well I didn't know it was a mold issue, I just thought it was an old heater that needs replaced that suddenly popped a hole - happens all the time - and needed to shut off water, unhook the thing, clean up the mess and get a new one.  I get up, get moving, get the boys up, get them moving, and we head over there. I see the disaster and gag.  You can't just put a new heater in there, yo have to deal with that mold.  I have been smelling that s*** in there for months. 2 trips before I moved out here I smelled it walking into the door.  There are 2 water heaters in the house so I didn't think about the second one, the first one blew out a while back when I was still in Phoenix and they had to deal with it.  I gave them some pointers but they had to do the work. This is different in that there is black mold everywhere.

Well, draining the water out of an old take is ridiculous. The drain cock didn't work, it wouldn't budge. I beat on it with a hammer - the heater was trashed so who cares if it's destroyed - it still wouldn't budge.  Finally ended up tilting the entire thing over - full of water easily over 350 pounds worth probably more I deal with this kind of weight at the yard all the time - and draining out, yes, 50 gallons of water.

When Josiah and I got that thing out of the house, we then started working on tearing out mold caked dry-wall and the base board and everything we could get out.  Gross.  The smell nauseating.  We got that s*** on our bodies and it wasn't agreeable to me at all, everyone knows that stuff can cause illness. After we got what we thought was everything out, I saw a long stretch of black-mold-covered drywall underneath the air conditioning unit that is also in that closet right next to the water heater.  This is a huge house, even closets that are normally small for a water heater is larger than most people's walk in closets.  I said dang, we have to get that stuff out of there, me being in no mood to get under there and get it out but also not willing to try to force Josiah to get under there, either.

I mean, a person would have to crawl under there on their belly in mold infested water to get at it and tear it out.  Josiah said okay, I'm going in!  He voluntarily crawled in that filth and got that crap out of there so my respect level for him raised considerably considering he was not getting paid and getting nothing out of it. Well, maybe.

THEN, we all left the house. Josiah and Jacob - 14 year old brother - to Josiah's work to get air blowers and a dehumidifier they use to help dry everything out in such situations and the rest of us to Home Depot to get - a lot of stuff. Water heater, fittings, drywall and related tools, plywood, etc etc.  Like almost $700 worth.

Did I mention paint? Yes a marathon day. I wanted that living room painted, or at least as much as could get done.  So when we got back, Josiah had already arrived and had set up the blowers and the humidifier. I told him we got paint, please get busy in the living room while I solder the fittings to get valves on the lines.  So I'm dealing with water lines and he got busy with the dining room. I got the other boys busy as well. It was a work day for ALL of them, not just Josiah.  Josiah I don't need to continually search out and supervise, the others? Yes.

Fast forward through a lot of stuff. I texted Josiah's gf without him know that she could come over if she so pleased and I was cool with it.  He was all kinds of happy that she was coming and I didn't have a problem with that - he worked his ass off and that to me deserves some kind of reward.

More, much more last night with other stuff going on, but I just don't have the time to type it all out.  I wish I did.

Anyway, this morning I headed over to her house. Josiah still in bed, everyone else ready to go to church. I understood exactly what he was feeling.  I was sore and tired this morning after waking up.  It sucked bad.  I just didn't want to do anything, but I did.  Got up, got some coffee, got bathed and all of that and headed over there.  Josiah sent his youngest brother downstairs to ask me if I would let him stay home.

NO. But I went up stairs and told him myself. Time to go to church, get up and get going. Father's day today. Forgot that this morning until church and pastor started talking about it.  Oh, yeah!  Well after worship was over and he got through with his preaching he asked all fathers to stand up. Yup, I have the greatest son on earth, I am proud of him, he is doing so much with his life. Then he called us all down there. Cool I went down. THEN, he asked offspring and wives to come down. Umm, those boys are  not my sons and she isn't yet my wife. Well, I thought, it's okay, I'll just stand here without anyone but I know who my Father is and He is the greatest!

And so it was. Wives and kids came down and stood with their fathers while I was standing alone.  But, I din't have a problem with it. My son is in the Philippines right  now, serving the Lord our God, and that is enough for me.  Full fledged into this a hand slaps me on the back and another on my right arm. Jacob and Josiah.  One rests his arm up against my back and another with hand on my shoulder.  Hey man, we are here with you!  Brought tears to my eyes.  A wow moment.  I found out later that the youth pastor - who was up on the stage he is also a musician - went up to them in the back row area and encouraged them to come and pray with me.  Josiah later confides that he was scared to do it - he doesn't want to come down to altar calls and such, I dunno why I will have to start digging into that, but the fact that they both came down and prayed with me just blew me away.

Well there is more but I am way past my bedtime.

G'nite.

ben

I was dreading this morning.
Electronic transfer of funds from my company to my bank account.
How much would it be?
In fact, I lost some sleep over it last night.
Woke up in the middle of the night and yes, I could have gotten up and come out and got on the computer to assuage my fears - or sit here in panic and wonder what the freak I am going to do if it isn't enough - but I was just plain afraid to.

I knew the 2 hours every single day of OT would cover it, but you pay more taxes on OT than regular time.  I mean, I figured out what they did with my pay.  They reduced the hourly wage to the point that I would still get the same amount of pay with 10 hours as I was with 8.  I had no choice if I wanted to get out here and get a new life started and get rolling with this.  I mean, there are other options, yes, but this was the easiest.  No looking for a new job, already know the job parameters, WELL acquainted with the product and what is expected of me.

To the point of making sure I had a good enough paycheck, I also reduced my 401k contribution around 3 weeks ago to make sure that this paycheck? Would not fall short, because if it did, I would be in a world of hurt.  Well I can safely say that I am not in a world of hurt at this point. In fact, it was over $100 more than I expected.  I'm serious, I was sweating this one bad.  Just part of the unknowns of coming out here.  I didn't know if they were going to give me the extra 2 hours per day for sure - not that I want to work that many hours but to pay the bills I have no choice.

That extra helps pay extra fuel expense.

Well, off to work. Friday! Yay!

ben

It suddenly popped into my mind out of the blue.
I don't need to buy expensive carpet, tile or wood flooring.
Concrete etching, staining and sealing.
I dunno why this didn't come to me before.  Of course.  It is a lot of work but in the end it looks great and is a fraction of the cost of any of those other types listed above.
In other words, a doable proposition.  

Well I don't have to etch it, apparently staining it is pretty good looking too and much less work than etching it.  I dunno yet, not in the position to do any of it.  Hoping to get some more paint and get the dining room done.  It's huge.  All of the bottom floor rooms are huge in the house.  The living room is 1,200 square feet, that's the size of a small home. I mean, I have ideas about that living room, it is way too large and could divide that thing in half and make a movie room out of one half and the other half the extended kitchen/eating area.

I dunno. It's not my house and so making decisions about it is kinda tough.

Regardless, these work hours are really kicking my @$$.  I am not used to a 50 hour work week and I AM used to getting off at 2, not 5 and sometimes even later.

____________________________________________________________

I mean, I think I started this yesterday. Long days, burning the candle at both ends, trying to get adjusted, going to take some time.  Left here at 6am and walked through the door 20 minutes ago - it's 9:30.  Way past my bedtime, but it is what it is at this point.  When I got to m'lady's house today, I was greeted by a lot of kids wanting attention and love.  M'lady too, obviously, lol.  She made the pork chops I took over there the other day and they were delicious.

Then totally by accident - we were sitting on the couch and the kids were just sitting around watching us and talking about everything - something came out that one of the boys had done today.  Because of the nature of what it was and a minor child I just can't go into it on the web.  I can only say that I talked with this person about it as long as I could before I just had to leave, it was getting late and I told him I would continue with him again in the near future.  Prayed with him and that, he said, made him feel peace and he liked that. No, it's not Josiah, he has a range of his own issues but not anything like this.

I'm trying to give them all attention, it's hard.  There are 6 of them and they have been neglected by their own father and are craving it badly.  Especially the girls.  It is unnatural, IMO, that a dad neglect his own girls and not want them touching him or getting close to him at all.

Whatever. The day is long and I am exhausted.

ben

Long day at work.  Just unending - which is good actually - makes the clock get to 5 faster, seemingly anyway.  But got off late, even later than the 10 hours and was kinda cranking  about that a bit because I was supposed to get to m'lady's place to go to a restaurant and visit with her sister and her sister's boyfriend that came into town today - on their way to Austin, TX for some huge bike rally that happens on Wednesday.  Well I got back quick enough to head over to Applebee's with everyone and spend a good couple of hours talking with these people.  It was cool, nice folks.

Back to her place but no time, I needed to get home, maybe write up a quick entry and hit the sack. It's already 9:30 and that is well past my bedtime.  But I can get up later, just have to reset the alarm clock and skip my morning ritual of sitting here drinking coffee for a while and catching up on the news.  They want me in a half hour earlier, though, a contractor is out of pipe and is clear on the other side of Louisiana.  So get in early and get out of there and on the road.

Meanwhile, this guy kept calling me about installing Dish Network so I succumbed.  Those kids have never had tv in that house, only in her bedroom which isn't accessible more often than not and even if accessible, they often can't watch tv in there.  She wasn't opposed to me having it installed and it's just basic stuff, so basic nothing will have to be filtered.  There is a lot more to this story - but I don't even want to hear from anyone about how tv isn't a necessity in life.  It may not be, but I grew up with it and as far as I know everyone else I know grew up with it too.  The rest of the story about this is something I am not willing to discuss on the world wide web, so leave it at that.

Josiah - another blowup today.  Just flat plain told him he cannot have his gf over tomorrow all day long.  Not a happening event and I don't need to explain myself, but I did anyway. He had a combined total of 24 hours with that girl last weekend and that was more than enough, plus his junk he pulled on Sunday with her there, which pretty much pissed me off and the reason why I told him NO.  Anyway, he started railing on me and I just cut him off after listening to it for about a minute.  Josiah, if you don't shut your mouth and stop and I mean stop right now, you won't be seeing her at ALL this coming weekend.

That was it.  He stopped because I was dead serious and he knew it.  Not gonna tolerate being disparaged and disrespected by a 16 year old boy.  Told him that, too.

Well that's enough.  I really need to get to bed and hope and pray I get some sleep tonight.  Some nights I do - ----- - others I get 4 or 5 hours of it and that's it.  Pretty long day at work when you are running on 4 hours of sleep.

G'nite.

ben

Days flying by.  Seeing all kinds of interesting and different landscape in Louisiana.  Work is - also - interesting - because of the people that are working there.  One dude is always complaining about the place and constantly threatening to go find another job somewhere else.  Good luck. He's young, has little experience in a truck and has attitude.  Another one is in his 50's I believe, he's pretty cool and then the 3rd dude is in his 40's and doesn't talk much. The guy that runs the counter is in his 60's and has been with the company for over 30 years.  It is interesting that the man runs the counter - but doesn't know how to write up a ticket. 

You know, like to sell stuff? lol.  I get along with all of them to some extent or another, excepting the counter man who I usually can deal with but his blowup last week ticked me off.  Will I stay there?  Probably not, but comjpletely undecided at this point.  I want to see what my first paycheck looks like before making that decision.  Which will occur on Friday.  

The stark reality of the house is that it will take quite some time - and money - to get into decent condition.  I get frowns when I start talking about trying to find stuff used but still in good condition.  The house is huge.  Carpet has been torn out of most of it.  You're talking replacing flooring on a house that is something like 6,500 square feet.  Wood or vinyl flooring probably best in most areas because of all of those kids.  The astronomical amount of money needed to replace all of that is - mind-boggling, at least for me.  THat is one of the biggest issues in the house at the moment.  Another is a dog that poops and pees wherever it pleases, as well as stealing food off the dining room table.  It has never been trained and of course if you don't train a dog, you pay the consequences.  

Then there is the other stuff.  Josiah and his gf.  Constantly pushing it.  Wanting to spend more and more  and more time with her.  I mean entire days where that's all he does: sit with her and talk all day long.  He asked for her to come over tomorrow after having had her over on Sunday and having had been with her all day Friday and when I say all day, I mean from 8:45 am til' past 9 pm.  The problem is his attitude.  Another problem is when he's with her, he does nothing.  He is expected to work around the house just like the rest of the kids. So I just told him no on Wednesday.  Sorry, not a happening event, thanks.  

\

As it stands, he pissed me off on Sunday and that is the reason he isn't getting to see her on Wednesday and likely his future visits are going to be pared back. He IS getting better in the attitude department, but ever so slowly.  He came and sat down next to me last night while I was over there playing the game.  Being all nice and this and that - of course when I said no he got up and stormed off.  Lol.  It's relentless though, the constant asking about seeing gf.  I get tired of it and when he gets mad I pretty much let him have it.

As for the other kids in the house, 2 boys got home from their trip with dad to North Carolina. They had fun, evidently, but I knew the car trip would be hell to pay with those 2 in the same vehicle for that much time.  I was definitely spot on about that one.  They don't like each other, don't want to be around each other, but one of them is MUCH larger than the other one and can basically beat the snot out of him.  One of them wants to come over on Friday - well they all want to do that all the time.  In fact, they ask me to take them home on work nights and then take them back the next morning.  Uhhh, sorry, that just won't work. Leave here half an hour early to do that, no thanks, plus add 20 miles to the trip to work, no thanks.  

Regardless, it came up that the oldest brother - who is in the Navy and the reason they went to NC to visit him - was trash talking mom and also apparently saying s*** about me.  Not that I care, I have never even met the - kid - no sweat off my back.  Her ex and that one going at it about her and then apparently declaring that I could "find a better person", inciting that she is doing heroin.  I can guarantee you that my lady does NOT do narcotics.  She has migraine headache issues and takes Imitrex for that, but that is not a narcotic and they just like to spite her at every turn.  

I did not move out here to go find some other lady, I don't care about all the junk and sometimes exasperration I have to go through with all of this, I am intent on getting that house spruced up and so, I spent the money I have here and there in doing so.  Paint at the moment.  But think about painting that much square footage and the amount of money it will cost just to do that and you get an idea of the hurdles I am facing to get this done.  

Upon that note, I have decided to expand my range for finding stuff to the Dallas area, which is a much larger population and much more likely to find deals even if a 150 to 200 mile drive - one way. If there is a good enough deal and it's worth the drive, then yes.  She has a 15 passenger van with a trailer hitch and a 15 or 20 foot trailer that I can drive over there if need be - if I can find anything at all.  I was thinking of learning how to use that tractor of hers and the brush hog attachment and seeing if I can rent out brush hogging at 40 to 50 bucks an hour.  Sounds expensive but you are talking about operating a tractor and the fuel, wear and tear, tires, hauling the thing over to wherever, etc etc etc.  Easy work, though monotonous, there is a demand for it.  I need extra bucks to get this house done and it will take forever at the rate I am going.  An equity loan on the house would be another idea, but that means more debt.  At the same time, to get that place into shape, especially the main living areas.  

Well I have run out of time, time for the daily trek to Shreveport some 47 miles away from here.  Not that bad, really, just the fuel expense, gas is hardly cheap anymore.  $3.35 per gallon the cheapest I can find it.  Well there are some cheaper places over in LA out of town, but I am not driving 20 miles to go fill up, obviously, but I have seen it as low as $3.20 per gallon.  Which isn't really low.  I need to focus my attention on getting out of the child support.  

Regardless, g'day.

ben

Not much time here,
but got into it with the counter dude yesterday.
He comes walking out to the truck I am trying to strap down and starts barking about why it is taking so long.
Well, cause' I'm trying to remove this strap that is stuck in the groove, the strap needs to be chucked and put in a new one.
F*** that s***, he replies which is when I pretty much let off on him.

The first thing that came to mind - these people don't give a damn about safety.  The second thing is that they aren't drivers and don't care if we get into trouble, it won't affect them. The third thing is we are full blown into the roadside check program that is going on through tomorrow - where they are pulling over commercial vehicles for 72 straight hours.

I was fuming pretty good for a while.  The funny part about this is that this dude hadn't called the customer I was delivering to - I have no freedoms at this place at all, just do what I'm told and that's that, can't even get into the computer system, no juice to get into hardly any programs at all.  Anyway, the dude wasn't answering the phone and it was over half an hour before I could leave anyway.

Whatever.  Thursday.  2 more days of this.  These 10 hour work days are a bit hard to get used to.  I did it at the Chandler branch for a year and a half but that's been a while.  About the time I'm hitting 8 hours on the clock my internal clock telling me it's time to go home!

Time's up, off to work.

G'day.

ben

Long work days mean no time for everything that needs to be done after work.  But, no choice.  Had to get my oil changed and then found out I have a bad wheel bearing.  The mechanic had the car well up off the floor and showed me the play - yikes!  Then he showed me the tire! Whoa! Cords showing! That tire ain't even that old, that bad bearing is eating up tires.  Well I ain't paying them $300 to fix it, I'll buy the wheel hub and install it myself on Saturda6y.  Get a used tire if i can find one tomorrow after work.

They want to charge me $150 for labor and $150 for the part, so eliminate teh labor charge and cut the cost of a wheel hub by at least $25 I am guessing since shops inflate those prices as well and walaah.  Pain in the but, not what I want to spend Saturday doing, but I am not rich and I have to cut corners where I can.  It's 7 pm and I am not even hlaf way home from work.  Was trying to take care of some other business as well.

I was, however, happy to find out what's wrong with the thing.  I have had it into a couple of shops getting oil changes and they never figured this out.  It's been eating up front tires for a while now, though not this bad aor this fast.  I was also glad to see that damaged tire - BEFORE it comes apart and causes a lot of problems.  Not happy, I guess, wrong word, finding junk wrong with your vehicle is hardly afun experience but it is something I can fix, so that's good.

In the world of m'lady and her kids, always something going on.  Josiah texting me today asking for gas money. The kid burned through his paycheck buying clothes and providing his girl with junk food and drinks when she was over on Sunday. He gets paid on Friday but doesn't have enough gas to make it till then to get to work.  School is out for the summer for all of them.  2 of the boys left on a road trip the day after school was out and are with their dad in North Carolina right now. Returning next week. Anyway I'm giong to loan the boy money, ain't giving it to him for nothing and tell him if it happens again, he's on h is own.  One would think saving enough money to pay for gas to get to work would be on the priority list, about the time he figures out he can't make it that will be when it sinks in.

Well anyway. I have to ask about where places are at when I am handed a delivery ticket or a pickup purchase order for anywhere that doesn't have an address on it.  Remember I am working in Cajun country and people talk pretty - interesting - over there.  So this man that works the counter also pretty much tells the drivers where to go.  He says things to me and I just look at him. Huh?  You turn on sheeeeee ellllll street. With considerable Cajun twang mixed with ethnic twang. In other words, unintelligible. Yes, you can figure out what he meant but what I spelled here, but in person? How he speaks? Good luck. Shell street. I asked him to spell it out. Ohhh, okay, thanks.

In reality, I've had that man and everyone else that works out in the yard busting up with laughter.  I don't believe in workplace morbidity, let's have some fun. This dude? Has a belly laugh like you have never heard before.

Time for bed.

Ben

So here we are, Monday, day one of work week done and over with.
I did not finish the last entry but posted it anyway - a lot has transpired since then.
It isn't anything that I will go into on a public forum accessible by anyone, just to say that the issue is resolved and moving on.

There are a lot more issues that need to be resolved and undoubtedly fresh ones will come up as the clock ticks.

But getting a call yesterday that the AC wasn't working at the house - in Phoenix - was too much.  We got to the bottom of it - the blower motor wasn't working.  Well, a blower motor is a lot cheaper than a compressor and all that has to be done installing one, so at least that much of a sigh of relief.  Eventually, after numerous phone calls back and forth and finding out a bunch of other junk going on over there - right after I left - the issue was resolved from the neighbor behind my house who came over and determined that wire was loose on the motor and simply put it back on and that was that. $35.  Not complaining, I know how much a service call is and how much AC companies charge.

Other issues were one tenant wanting to park his tow truck in my driveway and cut down a tree to be able to do so. Thankfully, Mark told him he was neither cutting down the tree nor parking that thing in my driveway, thanks. George apparently turning down the AC during the day.  Also running several computers, monitors, printers, etc etc etc in his room.  He works from home. Had no idea he was running all of that, explains my electric usage.  He's going to have to pay for that electric usage and Mark and Lynnette will have no problem letting him know that. But, he and Susan are at Susan's mom's house basically for the next 2 months so I am not going to concern myself with that right now.

And Mark deposited the rent money today.  So at least they are doing what they said they would: manage the house.  They won't do it like  I did, I hope they don't run anyone off, but it is what it is.

Life here is up and down and all around.  Good, bad and ugly.  All at once.  I don't have time to go into all of it, but I have touched on a lot of it here and there anyway.  The drive to work isn't that bad, the fuel used doing it - IS.

Ex contacted me on FB messaging and also trying to call me - calls I did not answer.  She unfriended me and then blocked me after telling me she didn't want to talk to me anymore - just completely out of the blue.  This is the kind of thing that used to happen in our marriage and it was maddening.  I don't know what changed her mind, I just said fine, I'll talk to you, I didn't cut her off, she cut me off.  It never even crossed my mind to do that, we were being civil with each other and that was good since we are going to be in Heaven for all eternity, might as well learn to get along here.

My son is now in the Philippines.  And island on the southern region of it.  I'm so proud of him.  I just can't put into words the joy my son gives me for the path that he has chosen in serving the Lord our God.

Well that's it, it's a bit past my bedtime and I need to get to bed.

G'nite.

ben

Somewhat came to a head yesterday.
The 16 year old went with me to get stuff for the day's work - and he wanted to spend his money on clothing attire at the mall which I promised him I would take him since he isn't yet allowed to drive anywhere but to work and school.  I ended up taking my car to Discount Tire to get a slow leak fixed - which took an hour. We went to Waffle House and sat down and talked for quite a while and then went back to the shop.  they still weren't done so headed to Home Depot right behind the place for a paint brush we had forgotten to get earlier.

When finally done with that - and realizing they didn't balance the tire so now I have to go back and ask them why they would put a tire back onto a car without balancing it and probably wait another hour to get that done - we headed to the mall.  Had some fun there, his gf told him he should buy pink underwear.  So he's looking at hot pink underwear and yes, I was making jokes and giving him a hard time about it.  He's a good kid, really, with some mixed-up ideas, that mostly attributed to his upbringing.

We finally got home after a couple of hours of all of that and went to work.  He got onto the hallway upstairs that is in a shambles, it was soooo bad.  Kids writing on walls and....well anyway, I went into yet another bathroom and started a huge cleanup process on that, starting with the bathtub. Clogged up drain, had been that way for quite a while.  She has a hand snake but it isn't flexible enough to make a p-trap turn.  She brought up some other device which also didn't work.  Well, so it was back to Home Depot to buy the right kind of hand operated snake to get around the bends in the pipe, this time the 10 year old wanted to go so go we went.

Got back, opened up the drain and spent 3 solid hours attempting to clean that tub and glass doors.  I'll leave it to your imagination to determine how .... dirty.....it was to have to take up half an afternoon just cleaning that one area alone, sans the rest of the bathroom. These are not projects I take much pleasure in because of the grossness of the situation.  Just have to suck it up and get it done.  Scrubbing and scrubbing.  I should have left and gone and gotten some powerful cleaner, because the cleaner I have?  Always does the trick but not this time.  Had to take the doors off the tracks to clean them and then the tracks themselves were filled with....well let's just not go there.

I went out into the hallway and she started cranking on the 16 year old about what he was doing.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  It's quickly becoming apparent that nothing he can do will ever be right in her eyes.  He got pissed and walked off to his bedroom. "I think y'all should finish this job since you don't like anything that I am doing".  In reality, he had busted his ass half the day and did that entire hallway excepting the door frames which need a different kind of paint.  I'm looking at her, a little encouragement.  I went after him and told him he was doing a great job and we would fix the small spills and be done with it.  He got a smile on his face and went back to work.

Later, the idea was floated about getting pizza so I sent boy to pizza store - with mom's blessing to drive there alone - and we stood there and she just went off.  Look at what he did here and there and everywhere.  Not one, single, good word could come out of her mouth of the awesome job, actually, that kid had done.  I was glad he wasn't there to hear all of that.  I had a feeling, quite some time ago, that this was probably what was going on over there - constant railing of the kids - but I had no evidence other than the feeling that this is, indeed, what's going on.

So now what.  Not my kids, no real place to attempt to intervene.  At the same time, I cannot sit there, like the other night, and listen to this stuff going on and on and on.  It grates me, it grinds my innards, I can't stand it.  It's not  just the 16 year old, it's all of the teenagers and sometimes the 10 year old.  The 2 girls are not immune from it but they hardly get much of that kind of treatment.

She wants to know when we are going to get married.  Like a date.  I'm not committing to a date yet.  I'll go insane living in a house with all of that going on, all the time.  Literally, I would pull my hair out and probably just have to leave a lot and go do something outside or leave the property altogether.  No, can't do that.  This needs to be at least semi-fixed before I'm going in there. At first it was the house itself, now it's the house AND the constant fighting that needs reparations.  I got my place to come to for now, it's a nice little abode, I ain't here much but it is still very peaceful and quiet, a place where I can reflect and meditate and think about things without all the background noise.

The problem I have is, how can I deal with these kids and start to try and get them back on the right track when they are constantly in defensive mode? They can't receive anything because they are always on edge about her telling them to do something - constantly and yelling at them that whatever they have done - is always wrong.  I do believe they have learned to tune her out quite a bit and she has to repeat herself over and over and over to get them to do anything.

I dunno.  I'm not giving up, but I feel like I'm at a dead-end right now and there aren't any openings, gates, trampolines to jump on and over the this blockage.  This situation with her kids leaving and never coming back and not wanting anything to do with her will keep playing itself out over and over and over with the rest of them until/if/when something drastic changes it and frankly? That would be her attitude towards them.  Oh, yes, those kids have attitude, bad sometimes, but the change has to start with the adult.  The parent leads, the kids follow.  If the parent leads into a life of constant contention, guaranteed the kids will do the same thing.

So, it's Sunday. I am going over there, we are all piling into the huge van and

So I walk into the shop this morning at work and ask if there are any deliveries.  I'm pretty much out of the loop as far as what is going where at this point.  I just do whatever they want me to do.  The dude says yeah - in  pure Cajun voice - and then shows me on the map.  ??? Well that looks like a pretty long run!  He says yeah it's down there a ways.  2 stops - neither of them close to either other, but well down south.

This run took me on back country roads through small towns and all kinds of scenery. the likes of which I haven't seen in ages.  Narrow, 2 lane highways.  Strange traffic patterns and completely different ways of doing things on the streets than anywhere else I have been. Well, coming around a curve out in the middle of nowhere, I see a semi truck - coming directly at me.  Yup, this guy was completely on the wrong side of the highway for unknown reason and approaching that curve --- and me --- fast.  I was halfway off the road and in the grass before this guy even noticed, apparently, that he was on the wrong side of the road and swerved back into his lane.

I am fairly confident, however, that if I hadn't gotten off the road as fast as I did - I would not be here typing this message right now.  A small truck against a big truck, guess who wins.  I was in the small truck. Well I definitely wouldn't be here writing this message, the thought was whether I would be in this world - or the next.

That run turned out to be 300 miles of driving.

Long day scheduled tomorrow.  Get up, go to stores, go to m'lady's house - work at least 6 hours - and then off on a date with her.  Josiah will stay home and watch the 3 younger kids.  He was unhappy that I told him work tomorrow and then see his GF on Sunday instead of the other way around.  Nope, I said, I want you to work Saturday and get stuff done.  If she's over tomorrow nothing will get done and I won't want to work on Sunday or deal with you working on Sunday, so, so sad, too bad.

Long days.  Taking some getting used to.  Might take a while to get caught up to it.  Like  a long while.
Well whatever.  Pretty good day, actually, even if a long one.  I'm bushed.

G'nite.

ben