Mostly non-fasting post.  I got to the jobsite today and listened to the brother of the guy in the hospital - his brother was involved in a cave-in in a man-hole down in the sewer pipe - go on and on and on, not about his brother, but about current and previous girlfriends.  It was somewhat intersting in that this person availed himself to so much of the kind of stuff that had been dished out and hadn't simply moved on.  Reminded me of me - should have moved on from last relationship long before it happened.

We are picking up 40 foot sections of pipe from their yard in Monroe, LA, the pipe has been sitting there for almost 2 years.  That construction company is going to take a loss on it, the pipe is old and will have to sell for less and the supplier agreed to sell it on consignment.  It's actually a good deal for the construction company, otherwise they would just have to eat it and that's that. It wasn't our company's fault for selling too much to them.  They had a change of plans on the job by the engineers and they were stuck with it.

Anyway, today was the 2cd trip, there are at least 3 more trips to go for there is still alot of pipe there. It's a good run - 1 hour 40 minutes to the job site, 2 hours to load the truck, 2 hours to the supplier, 1 and a half hours back.  That doesn't include the other delivery I had today in Monroe, which always takes ridiculously long, they are never in a hurry.  So I ended up with 47 hours this week which is a heckuva lot better than the 40 we were dictated.

Tomorrow I'm taking the CHL class which is an all day thing and then going to church tomorrow night.  I think, anyway, I'm pretty sure this is the weekend to do the CHL.  I've simply forgotten for sure and will ask her when she gets home.  I got a call earlier to please come to church and help with communion tomorrow evening so I have a full day tomorrow.  Which is good considering the fast and I'm determined to stay on it.  Sunday, different story.  Nothing planned at all. Plenty to do, but may not be advisable to spend the day working around the house.  I want this eye thing gone before I stop the fast.

There is no guarantee, of course, that it will actually go away and frankly, it appears I would have to stay on the fast for 10 or more days for it to actually happen.  Further, there are far greater benefits to staying on the fast longer, the question is: can I handle it?  It would be lovely to just put everything on hold for 21 days and go to a facility and get help and motiavtion with this, but that is impossible, at least at this time.  I'll just have to make that call Sunday night.  Either eat some watermelon, which is what is recommended to come off the fast, or, continue on with it.

One nice side effect I hadn't thought of fasting is that I haven't spent a dime on food this week.  No lunches, no buying dinner food.

Well, I'm pretty tired even afer a good night's sleep and I'm going to rest.

Water Fast Day 5 Complete

I had much more energy today, much better than the last 2 days, which suggests to me that full ketosis has settled in. Feeding off my fat, of which of lates I have sufficient amounts of for an extended fast, actually.  The only thing today that really got me was strapping down a load of pipe.  It was not even close to the perfection of loading that I prefer - but then again I almost always load my own truck so I don't have to worry about that.  I was out at a jobsite - same one as yesterday - and the pipe has been sitting out there forever. It's been moved around, the bundles have been broken so that the pipe is still strapped, yes, but not in the rectangular form it was in when it came from the supplier.

So,  it makes for some interesting loading.  I wasn't loading it, either but at least they had a guy come out that is very adept in his field of construciton of operating heavy machinery.  Still, the bundles beneath the final top bundles had pipe sticking up, leaving the top 2 bundles at angles and partially exposed on the bottom.  I ended up putting a large numberr of straps on that load - much more than it would normaly take - and I had to crank down the winches very tight.  Well, it's quite the physical exertion to press down that hard on a bar to exert enough force to make the winch turn far enough that one on the teeth is able to engage in the slot to hold it in place.  After climbing up on the truck and getting down several times and then that?  I was depleted of energy big time.

I sat in the truck for a few minutes and got enough back to continue on with the day.  I really didn't even think about food until I was somewhere and the smell of meat cooking wafting through the air.  That was a bit much, I got away from there quickly.  I was less thirsty today.  I have been drinking a lot of water the last 3 days because I had an unquenchable thirst, but today that diminished greatly.

I think actualy this weekend is going to be the most difficult part of this fast.  For rest is what is in order, meaning laying around sleeping and watching tv or reading or whatever. Al fine and dandy, but at work and driving a semi truck all day long, that really takes any focus off of food. Sitting around a house where food is in ample supply - I have enough food to last for at least 6 months, did that on purpose to prepare for the worst if such economic projections of doom and gloom actually come true - may turn out to be a difficult thing to resist.  I mean, on other kinds of diets, such as juice only, you can at least drink something to help defer the cravings.

I still have a minor headache going - I don't know if it's caffeine withdrawals or what, but it's been that way since after the first day of fasting.  Regardless, today wasn't exactly magical - Day 5 that is - as some other have reported but it was easier. I much like the idea that my body is feeding off my fat now.  I should be losing a couple pounds a day at this point, I think.  I dunno, I don't have a scale, last weighing was 215 pounds, which is well beyond anything I am even remotely interested in allowing myself to get up in terms of weight, but, factually, I was probably closer to 220.

The motivation to detox and see some physical ailments alleviated is what is driving me.  People going to facilities that specialize in fasting treatment centers probably have an easier go at it because they have professionals that are talking to them and helping them make it through it.  I don't have any of that, in fact, fasting is quite misunderstood by many people and think you are going to die. Fasting is not starvation.  Starvation occurs in a fast when the fast is over.   You basically lose hunger during a fast, it sounds crazy but it's true.  However, your body will signal you, the experts say, that it's over by a extreme hunger setting in.  If you ignore that, then your body starts feeding off of muscle.  In a 21 day fast, less than 2 pounds of muscle are consumed by the body to make up for some systems that need the glucose to work.  A small price to pay to lose 20 plus pounds of weight, bring your blood pressure down and have your body deal with whatever ailments you may have.

I'm not doing 21 days, not this time anyway. I had originally though to end this Sunday, the 7th day.  But I am seriously considering going until Wednesday.  I'm really just trying to go as long as I can while still being able to function in the real world.  Paychecks are important, so I have to be able to get my work done.  So far, so good.  Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were difficult days.  Anyway, I am going with the lady landlord tomorrow to do an all day CHL training program.  Concealed carry permit in other words.  That will be a stimulating day and my mind will hardly be on food.  7 days would end on Sunday at 6:30 pm.  Whether I stop or not, I really don't know.

Halfway through Water Fast Day 5

This'll be a short one, with a more detailed version later.
I slept like a baby last night. I'm not joking and no, that's nor  normal for me. I almost never sleep through the night.  Such a rare occasion that whenever it does happen, I just sit in wonder and try to think what happened to cause that?

I've had a Chalazion that appeared out of the blue in my right eye for almost 2 months now.  Been to the doctor twice and they gave me this and that - and charged me a small fortune - for treatmets that didn't work. Looking at it this morning it has significantly reduced in size.  Yes, if you do any reading about water only fasting you will find that can indirectly cure all kinds of common maladies and even some serious ones.  I read one blog of an organization that actually facilitates fasting.  People come for 7 days.  This is kinda where I established a minimum baseline for water fasting, but going on longer actually may have

My digestive system is certainly going through some sort of change.  My stomach was tight thight morning and something was goingon down there.  That whole system hasn't been right for a while and was another reason I wanted to do this fast.  It will, conceivably, fix your digestive system and whatever ails if it you go on the fast long enough. I'm more resolved now to make it through Sunday evening than I have been all week. I just have to make it through the work day today and then I have the weekend to do much of nothing and rest.  I'm sure I will be tempted to take this on to 10 days by the time Sunday gets here.

Well I feel pretty good - right now We'll see how that works out duirng the work day.

Well, I have Tuesday and Wednesday off after Memorial Day.  Making a 5 day weekend.  I'm just a little unsure about a trip to Phoenix.  Certainly don't want to plan it the way the last one went, where I worked all day, drove 2-1/2 hours to the airport, had a late flight, go there at 1 something am and didn't really arrive at her house until 3 or 4 am.  Yeah that just doesn't work.  The price of airfaire near here is just ridiculous.  Compared to flying out of Dallas it is, anyway.  Shreveport by far the highest.  I just can't justify paying that much money for a flight when I know I can save a lot of money by driving clear to Dallas.  It ain't no fun, but it's pretty much my modus operandi.

I guess I just don't feel like going to Phoenix right now.  I like driving trips for the cost savings, but Phoenix is just too far away for a road trip. Day and a half to get there, day and a half back, 3 days of driving leaves...what for a vacation?  Let me ponder this.  Take off after work on a Friday and start driving.  So, let's say leave at 4 pm.  Drive until around midnight, get a cheap hotel.  6 hours of driving at 75 mph 450 miiles.  Get up the next morning and leave around 8 am.  It's 1252 miles from Shreveport to Phoenix.  So there's still 800 miles to go.  Easy 12 hours if you include stops for fuel and bathroom breaks.  So that's 8 pm Saturday night I arrive (if it worked out that way and assuming no problems). An hour of visiting and then go to bed.  So, have Sunday through Friday to visit.

That's 2,500 miles of driving plus any incidental driving - in an old car, btw, that thing is a 2004 model.  Still running quite strong.  No leaks, no smoke, runs great really.  Interior fallinga part but I don't give that much importance in considering the fact the car is paid off and I have been driving it for a long time since I paid it off, 3 years I believe now.  Anyway, so $200 worth of fuel for such a trip, add $30 to be safe.  Now, to drive to Dallas from Shreverport I think is 175 miles.  It's 3 hours - well it's likely less for me.  I drive the 37 miles home from work in about 32 minutes.  Less than a tank of fuel to get there and back, anyway.  $168 round trip Southwest Airlines.  Spirit has cheaper but they charge for carryon or checked luggage which makes their price - not as good as SWA. $203 to get to the airport and fly, 30 to park the car for the time gone, and probably 20 each way from airport to mom's house and back (whe won't drive to the airport). $273 total. When you look at that and you compare that to driving plus hotel? It's close to even.

I dunno what I want to do.  Seriously don't. Especially in the middle of this fasting.

Oh, I was looking at my change which is what brought all of this to mind.  I've been saving change for quite a while, I have a large coffee can filled to the brim with quarters, dimes and nickles.  A few pennies but mostly silver.  There's got to be at least $400 in there.  I don't even know if I want to tap that for a vacation of just leave it and start a new coffee can.

Just trying to think of how I would want to pay for a vacation.  I have 90 hours on paycheck being deposited tonight and that should bring me close to what I was getting before the hour cut.  It isn't at 100 and likely never will be again, but the increase in work and subsequent hours at least give me a break to find the right job instead of just taking the best one that comes along in X amount of short period of time.

I have a driving day tomorrow - though I don't know if they are going to throw any orders on the truck or not.  A contractor bought 35,000 feet of pipe almost 2 years ago and ended up only using a couple thousand feet of it.  They bought and paid for it, but they wanted us to take it back.  It's a significant amount of money and it has sat there while everyone tried to figure out what to do, because we weren't going to just eat that kind of hit. A deal was worked out with the supplier to take all that pipe back to his yard and he will try to sell it on consignment.  Well, the pipe is sitting in  dirt field, grass and weeds are growing through it for it has sat there so long and the bundles are broken, making it difficult to load on the truck.  And there is at least 6 loads of it.  I'm apparently doing this alone.  1 load done today, another tomorrow.  It's a nice run especially considering fasting, I don't have to worry about extreme exertion.

Well that's it.  I was going to take a nap earlier but sitting down was good enough.  Was trying to stay awake until bedtime - which is only an hour away now.

Water Fast Day 4

There is one thing I can say with certainty: If I had had to have done too much physical exertion today, I would have to end this fast.  I'm not saying I didn't exert any evergy at my job today, I did, quite a bit actually, but I was out driving as well which pretty much saved me.  I had to load the truck this morning but it wasn't that much material, drive 1 hour 35 minutes to a delivery site - which I only had to unstrap and then drive to a jobsite to pick up pipe that they contractor couldn't use. That part was the physical part.

This post will undoubtedly get hits for some time to come for the water fast part, so here is the TMI part for those that are searching around the web for personal experiences.  Mine hasn't been quite like anyone else's but that only because, I think anyway, I have had to work every day since I started it.  My job consists of driving trucks, yes, but also lifting and moving around heavy parts, palletizing them, shrink wrapping them, loading them onto the truck and strapping it down.

Today.  As with other days (and I forgot to say this yesterday), cold.  Getting cold in any place with AC.  This is a common occurence with people that are fasting, so I'm not worried about that.  Hunger wasn't that bad, really, in fact, today was a little easier than yesterday, albeit I am now home from work and going to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day.  I haven't had any dizzy spells as others have reported, which is a good thing because if I did, I would have to stop the fast immediately.  My urine is still quite yellow, I would have thought that would have cleared up by now but I'll give that one up for getting the toxins out of my system.

I've had bouts of itching.  No idea on that one and also I am coughing out of the blue, here and there, it goes on for a few minutes and then it stops.  Weak. Definitely weak.  Again, I was lucky to drive the truck more than anything today because that really isn't that difficult.  And the sleep problem that many report.  Actually, I was in a deep sleep last night one someone called me at 11:30 pm and that ruined my sleep for the rest of the night.  Grand Praire Texas?  I didn't even bother to answer the phone and they didn't bother to leave a message.

But it was some pretty strange sleep after that.  I really - I don't know it's hard to explain.  But the sleeplessness or strange sleep is also normal. After having that kind of night worth of sleep I would  have thought I would have been out of it this morning, but to the contrary, I actualy felt pretty good for a couple of hours.  That didn't last, though, I became fatigued.

Now according to eveything I have been reading, day 5 is a "magic day".  That starts for me in an hour from now. It supposedly becomes much easier.  I haven't fasted like this in a couple of decades, I don't really remember.  I have fasted in the last couple of years, but that was a fluid fast - not limited to water only.  The water  only fast is  the most difficult one to do, it is definitely a challenge, but the results for de-toxification are much faster than juice diets.  One plus of the water diet is the you are giving your digestive system a rest.

I'm not going to liie, this has been an extremely difficult journey.  It would have been much easier if I hadn't been working - but - the flipside to that is that you have a lot of idle time to sit and think about - fooooood. That happened to me today, though, anyway.  Like a heightened sense of smell, I was smelling food in the air and couldn't see anything anywhere near for the source.  People talking about food on the radio and videos I was watching.  It didn't tempt me to go find the nearest burger joint, though, but the smell, that was hard to ignore.  The folks where I live are good cooks and they make some delicious smelling meals.....ugh.

I have a bit of a windfall for tomorrow at work: I am driving to the same jobsite I was at today and picking up pipe again.  There's like 30,000 feet  of pipe to move from that place.  But, that means 1 hour 45 minutes to the jobsite, 2 hours to load the truck - it just doesn't work the same at a jobsite where pipe has been sitting as it does going to a manufacturer and having them load you, it takes much longer - 2 hours to the vendor who is going to re-sell it for us and another 1-45 minutes back to the yard.  That's almost 8 hours, which will cash in the day unless there is something to do when I get back to the yard.

End of this one.  Another report tomorrow.

Water Fast Day 3

Alright. Day 3 of this water fast over in about 2 hours.  This was the hardest day yet.  I'm not even going to say I wasn't hungry nor would I say that I didn't have headaches and weak.  It didn't start out that way, I was actually feeling somewhat euphoric this morning, but after I got done loading the ssemi, that did me in.  I was taking a slower pace to conserve energy, but I found I had to stop and take a nap after delivering the product.  Short nap - 15 minutes - but it helped.  Back to the yard to pull another order and load it up - that did me in.  And now I'm home, I'm not going to end it today for I don't have to do anything else but sit/lay around and rest.

Which is pretty much what most of the testimonies you see about it from people do.  They aren't working and if they are, certainly not the physical exertion I am putting in this week.  If I have to put out the energy I did today, I'm likely going to be forced to end it.  Which would be a bummer because I wanted to make it a minimum 7 days.

I haven't fasted in a long time and haven't tried to fast this long in even longer.  After 3 days it might get better, though I'm reading it takes 4 days and then it gets much easier.  Well, I'm not going to do anything for the rest of the day. I'll definitely make it through today and into tomorrow morning which puts me 12 hours into day 4.  I've heard rumors of going and picking up pipe at a yard in Monroe, if that's true, that would be much easier and I could - probably - make it through tomorrow.  But if it gets any worse than today, I'm going to go eat.

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I decided to take 2 days off after Memorial Day which gives me a 5 day weekend.  But I really don't know about flying to Phoenix or not.  I would probably have to take the entire week off.

I have other things to go into, but I think I'm going to rest for a while.

Day 2 of cleansing fast.  Well actually I'm officially into day 3 since the last time I ate was sunday afternoon.  I read up on it for I haven't fasted in a long time.  Strange things already.  Like taking a nap - which I never do after coming home from work but got decidely weak - and then the phone ringing waking me up.  I had no idea what was going on but I instantly thought it was tomorrow morning and that it was the alarm that had gone off.

I got up to turn off the alarm, confused.  Why is there daylight? Why isn't the alarm set?  I was still in my clothes when it finally dawned on me that it's not tomorrow morning.   Or taking a load of laundry to wash and heading out the back door instead of - to the laundry room.  but by all accounts I have read this is perfectly normal.

Bouts of fatigue are expected.  Most people do not work when they are attempting a long fast because you get weaker than normal. So, I don't know how long I am going to try to do this.  But it seems like 10 days is the shortest amount of time for your body to really experience the toxin removal and "fixing" your digestive system, which I know that mine is out of sorts.  Well I'm going to do minimum 3 days, which puts it at tomorrow at around 6:30pm.

I would very much like to take it longer than that, but I'll have to see how I'm doing.  Driving trucks and physical labor at the yard and such may prove to be too much to do an extended fast while still trying to work.  I can't take 10 days off for it and even if I could, I wouldn't want to use that much vacation time just to fast.  As it stands I am looking at taking time off during Memorial day week.  I was going to take the Thursday and Friday off before, but my co-worker beat me to it.  Which is no biggies, I can take a few days off after and have a 5 day "weekend" - or longer if I so desire.  Which I so desire.

Whatever the case, it is highly undesirable to get into a 3rd day of fasting and then contemplate quitting, it's not something you do every day and it really takes a lot of willpower to stick with it.  I mean, the landlords are cooking dinner out there with brats and all kinds of tasty looking vegetables - they are on a 3-day military diet which they are going to do on and off indefinitely until desired weight loss is gained.  I may join them with that after I'm done with this fast.  I have gained considerable amounts of fat in a relatively short period of time.  Just that I have made it this far, at least try to make it til' the weekend?

At work today, the new manager hit me up as I was walking into the building to sign in.  He wanted to verify what was going on.  I explained it to him.  Everything I said in my entry yesterday, basically and no need to go through all of that again.  He again said he would talk to Tony about it.  But, Tony showed up right after that, handed me some papers and indicated that I would be driving the semi today.  I'm just willing to let things slide anymore.  He plays favorites and I'm going to call him out on it.

The truck was a disaster. After a week plus of the pothead driving it, there was garbage, personal belongings and even product all over the place.  I took all of that s*** out of there and then realized the strong odor.  Smoking.  He had been chain smoking in there apparently with the windows closed or slightly cracked at best, for the foul, strong smell of cigarette smoke was well imbedded in the air ducting for the ac/ventilation system.  I had that fan on high all day long with the windows opened and the smell had only slightly decreased.  I was pissed to say the least.  A year plus of driving this almost solely to myself and now 1 week of a slob that smokes and it's trashed.  Our company has a written policy of no smoking in company vehicles and  that will be the next one I start pushing for.

However, when I got back, the coworker came up and said my name was the subject of a meeting today.  Oh really.  Well what was that all about?  The new manager apparently decided that I was going to be driving the semi, co-worker the 10 wheeler and the pothead the 550 "for now".  Assigned vehicles.  Well, at least I'll have a clean truck.  I had a chance to scrub it down again today - interior that is - but I was too tired from fasting to do it so I napped instead.

I did have a pleasant converstion with the man that runs the plant in Alexandria where we get some of our concrete products from.  The subject went to debt after I said for whatever reason about not carrying much cash and him only carrying cash.  I don't have any debt, he said.  I carry around cash.  Oh, well I don't carry too much, I have maybe 20 bucks on me.  Well, he replied, I have $800. Wow, that's a lot of cash to be carrying around, do you carry a pistol?  Oh yes.  He owns a house, a truck, a van, a boat and another truck clear and free.  Actually that conversation went on much longer than I probably should have engaged in it, but he's pretty sociable dude.

Well, fortunately, only another hour to bedtime.  I say fortunately because once I go to sleep, obviously, all of this weakness is irrelevant.  I'm not actually that hungry, per se, it's just the weakness from not eating.  Smelling that delicious food wasn't too helpful either.

And finally, it's freezing cold in this house.  I have no idea why these folks like to keep it this cold in here.  I mean, I just walked outside and it felt nicer in the muggy warmth than it did in here.  The AC system is running and running - it's not actually that warm out.  It's a bit warm and muggy, yes, but not that bad.  Oh well, go to bed, pull up a blanket and go to sleep.

Work.
I'm already there this morning before anyone else.  The warehouse "manager" shows up and hands me some tickets and says to put them on the 550.  Umm, I'm not going to be getting stuck in other trucks this week.  Ohh, well you can put it on the straight truck. No, that's not what I'm talking about, I'm referring to the semi.  I'm not going through this week out of the truck again.  He just grunts at me.

Well the pothead shows up later and starts pulling an order. I get sent out on a run that takes half the day to do and then my coworker texts me: your boy is in your truck.  This warehouse dude just thinks he can do whatever he wants.  The good ole' boys club, the pothead and he have been there forever, exceping of course the little year off that after the pothead was fired.

So I come back from the run and confront the man.  Why are you putting him in the truck again this week? He just sits there and stares at me.  I say it again.  More staring.  Are you going to answer or what?  Well he asked me if he could drive it again this week, the man blurts out, stuttering.  He doesn't like when I confront him.  I don't do it often but when he starts playing his stupid games, namely favoritism and it affects me, I'm going to confront him on it.  I knew right away that this wasn't going to change without approaching the new manager, so I just looked at the warehouse manager and informed him I would deal with this through the manager.

Well you need to go load up the truck with this stuff, he is in a meeting.  No, I think I'll go over there and discuss this right now, completely ignoring his "order" for he isn't management and headed straight over there.  He was on the phone.  I popped in, he gave me a funny look, hung up the phone and asked me what's wrong?  I informed him of the situation.  Oh, well are you guys switching back and forth?  I looked at him for a second, trying to keep my words limiited: I've been driving that truck for a year now.  Tony (warehouse dude) thinks he can just do whatever he pleases without even considering my input.  I stopped myself there.  Okay, I'll talk to Tony.

Now, the new manager is consistent about one thing: if he says he's going to deal with something that is causing a problem, he will deal with it.  I walked out, said thank you while leaving and so, who knows.

I have no idea at this point how long it is going to take to find a job that suits me instead of just taking something to get out of there.  I'm not going to "run" from that place to go to something else that may have a better working environment but keeps me out on the road all the time.  If it ultimately comes to that so beit, but for now, I am floating. In fact, just turned in 90 hours, which is better than the 80 that was dictated from the start of this.  I have no idea what I will get on the next paycheck, but I logged 9-1/4 hours today.

So whatever.  This pothead, btw, is there at 7:30. He was loading the truck until 11:45.  We're talking 2 pallets and some pipe.  It should have taken him 2 hours at most.  This was reported to me by my coworker about the time it took and the time he left.  Now, where he was going is a 2-1/2 hour drive one way.  I've done it several times so has my coworker.  This dude left at 11:45 am and then calls at 4:00 pm saying he is lost, his GPS isn't working.  Ummm, there is a Rand McNally road map in the truck.  Someone tore the Louisiana page out of it long ago, which is mainly what we travel, but this was in Texas and the Texas map was still in it.  Some kind of bs he is talking. I happened to be in the office when the contractor called, at 4:15 pm.  Where is this guy?

That'll all go over well with the new manager.  I didin't stick around, though I did start laughing. Couldn't help it. They all think so highly of this dude simply because he's been there so long. There's your great driver! Over 4 hours to load the truck and 4-1/2 to get to a jobsite that is 2-1/2 hours away and he still isn't there.

Okay, rant over.

I started a detox today.  My version of it anyway.  You know, your body? Toxins build up over time? Yeah that.  My version is a total fast.  Water only.  For as long as I can handle it.  I've done these before, I was amazed that I have hardly even thought about food today.  It's almost bedtime so I can safely say I made it through day one.  One site calls for 10 days and another for 12.  Umm, that's a long time to go without food or any other kind of drink than water - but - there are other benefits toa water only extended fast.  If I can make it past the 4th day, I can do it.  I don't know yet, I'm not going to feel bad about it if I quit early, I'm sorta trying to get back into this stuff that I did most of my adult life before moving out there.  You just plain feel better after you do it if you can do it long enough.

That's it. I'm a bit - weak feeling - from not eating, but, again, I'm not sitting here craving food.  Interesting.

The itch got me.  Gotta check out Caddo State Park.  Map showed trails and only $3 per person fee to get in. I figured 2 hours would be good. Well, they have cabins and shelters and all kinds of interesting stuff going on over there - something to think about for the future but right now? Just want to go hiking.

17 miles one way, can't complain about that.  The drive there was interesting as it stands.  A narrow, 2 lane highway I hadn't been on going out of this town straight to the Park.  Joey Ranch - a rodeo was going on and all kinds of traffic going in there.  Big arena but well off the road and the thing you really saw was a bunch of RV's.  A Baptist church having a revival - the sign said so anyway. Small church for such a large gathering - at least 100 cars parked everywhere including alongside the highway.

A hunting club.  Carlisle Hunting Club the sign had on it over an entrance to a dirt road.  Hmm, might have to check that out.  A mobile home park much further out.  70's era, aluminum built single wide homes.  Place over grown with grass and weeds. Looked hideous.  I've had thoughts of doing something like that - but please, let's keep the property maintained.  And fresh paint on the homes that need them.  Hurts your bottom line.  Yep, well I just don't believe in running a place like that.

Got to the Park entrance, drove up a ways and there was a building with signs saying go into the office cause' honey, you have to pay.  Well they didn't say quite that, but you get the idea.  I don't mind a small entrance fee, I don't really believe that we should have to pay outrageous prices as many of these types of places do that are owned by state or federal government do - since we own it, we pay for it through our taxes and yeah, that kinda pisses me off.  But....they had a sign up about donating $5 because they are underfunded. Gag.

I got up to the cabins and parked.  The trail starts right there.  I had been warned about a trail that was closed because of a bridge that was out.  Well, I got this giant dog on a leash and he's doing good but geeze, there isn't another soul other there, which I thought strange.  Well, until I started getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. Figured that one out: keep moving, don't stop.  Note to self: buy mosquito repellent for any future excursions.  Anyway, I eventually took the leash off of Addler and watched in some amount of apprehension what was going to happen next.  The answer was: nothing.  He did take the lead but I didn't care about that, I wanted him in front of me.  Only one incident where we both heard an animal run off and he started to take off after the direction of the noise.

Addler! He stopped, turned around and trotted back.  I've spent some time training this dog on other issues, leash walking wasn't one of them. He was up on that the first day I got him.  He wasn't house trained - he has yet to piss or pee in the house.  The dog is very obedient.  He has a wild side to him but that's fine. He also is very disliking of strangers approaching the fence, that's fine too, that's a dog's job.  Protect.

Well there were no signs on these trails, they just took turns off into random places.  I wondered about getting lost but I just went this and that-a-way and eventually ended up at the - bridge that is out.  Turns out a giant tree had destroyed it - that giant tree fell and was still over the top of that bridge. Okay, well that's nice but the bridge was going over a stream that might have been 2 feet wide at it's widest point. Yeah, we just went around it, through the brush and up the other side.

But, after an hour of this, we were both done.  Addler was breathing heavily and I was tired.  I'm not in the shape I used to be and I am slowly coming around to getting myself back to some semblance of that condition.  I've let life circumstances affect me too greatly. There are no existing excuses, I just gotta get with it.

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And now another weekend gone.  Does it sound like a lame existence where the highlight of a weekend is to go hiking in the wilderness with a dog?  I dunno, I'm not sure it matters to me anymore about things that people think are important.  I've become rather isolated here simply for the fact of the lack of many friends.  I've not connected with much of anyone in the church I am/was going to, though I have tried.  For quite a while I have tried.  Not blaming the church I just think it's time to move on.  I love the preaching and the worship services but that isn't an end all.  I need real relationships and it's simply not happening there.

I guess I'll start looking out here before next weekend.

Well, end this one.  Work comes early, at least on the weeks where I go in at 7.

It finally made sense.
Long ago - in the 80's - I disappeared with a missionary organization into the interior of Mexico.  I didn't ask anyone for permission, didn't think about any consequences, didn't care really.  My thoughts were towards Catholics there that hate Christians and the Mexican army and the policia that toys with white, American citizens to get money out of them.  I still didn't care.  It was a wonderful time, yes it was.  I was there for one purpose: to expand the Kingdom of Heaven.

Years later, my oldest brother made some comments to me about that trip.  Security came to my door (at his home) asking me where you were at.  I don't know, he replies, somewhere in Mexico I heard.  I was focused on the mission field and my mind and heart was all over that.  The idea that it would somehow arbitrarily affect my brother's employment never entered my mind.  I knew nothing about it, didn't know his security status could be affected by it and he didn't bother to tell me.

The security gave him a hard time about it.  He said when it was over, he closed the door and then got drunk.  My oldest brother is a very different type of person, much different than most anyone I have ever met, seen or heard about.  Now I understand that he was facing losing a rather prestigious employment setting.  I really - never knew.  And, I didn't find that out from him.  In fact, he doesn't care about family and wants nothing to do with it. He never has. He has never given me any reason to even think about concerning myself with him or his problems.  He ... doesn't.... care.

I've never given it much consideration.  My mom just told me a while ago that when I announced I was going to Spain, that is why he tried to tell me I couldn't go.  You see, he never identified why I couldn't go and it came through my mom, not him.  Why didn't he call me about this? Ahh yes, who is he to tell me where I can and cannot go. I wasn't just going to visit Spain, I was going to stay there indefinitely with the mission organization. The situation changed and I wasn't sent.  I have always made myself too valuable - unintentionally - to the people I am with or working for.  Even here, where I am living.  The lady of the house has unabashedly told me she would like me to stay here for "years", indefinitely.  I smile, I give no definitive answer.  I like it here, but this isn't my house and though I have a lot of freedom here, it's not my property.  Even that isn't really the problem though, I just have no idea what I am going to do next and I can't just say yes, I'm going to be here forever

Not to mention that something might happen - who knows what but we are humans and s*** happens - to make them want me to leave.  I think of everything I can in any conversation that has potential long-term consequences.  The point is they didn't send me to Spain because I was fixing all of their old vehicles, driving semi's to get donated food, clothing and medical supplies, going to Mexico frequently with semi loads of food, directing the brother's dorm when I was there.

It was a rogue thought tonight.  Oh, now I see it.  They messed with him when I went to Mexico because, I found out from mom last week, if a family member leaves the country, he loses his security clearance and can't work the job he is working.  20 years ago he told me he was putting X amount of money into his 401k plan - a good deal of money I will say.  He was obviously making good money then. He has been promoted since then plus pay raises, he has earned a fortune through that company and his financial adviser told him he could retire now.  He's 57 years old.

AS for me, I am being pulled by my own internals in so many ways.  Do this, do that, do the other thing.  I am, frankly, getting sick of working to do what. Pay bills.  Gag.  I had no debt as a missionary, no bills, I paid nothing to no one.  It's sooo easy to get used to a lifestyle.  Go to work, come home, go to bed, get up, go to work, repeat.  Whereas others have no answers, I've already been there, I know what makes the heart full. Gag.  I'm not confused, I just don't know what direction to take.  I know some things that would help but they aren't anywhere near here.  Take my dog, go up to the mountains alone and seek.  Pray. Hike into the wilderness.  Enjoy God's creation.  No mountains within hundreds of miles of here. Beaches - a little different effect but still.

 I don't know.

It was a bit interesting to read a news article about 10 jobs that will be in demand from now til' 2022.  Many of them had median incomes of -- 19k, 20k, - very lowpaying IMO.  I can't even imagine trying to live off of 20k per year.  Apparently my views of pay are a bit elevated.  But, the starting wages of a truck driver fresh out of driving school is minimum 36k.  And I consider that to be low paying as well.  Though, a whole lot better than 20k.

One thing that is occurring, however, is this 80 hour per pay period deal is not actually happening. Well, it was at first. But I had almost 90 last pay period and up to almost 46 for this last week alone.  What the numbers at our branch do not justify is the amount of labor on the payroll.  Meaning, too many people.  There is just no reason to have that much labor, especially over-dosed on salesmen.  The dude that crashed the truck - he is basically there because they are having mercy on him.  There is no other reason for he does very little work unless it's forklift related.  That's just sitting in a forklift and moving things around.

Whatever the case, it will be mildly amusing to hear the gm call me for my take on it if he even does so.  I've got some carefully thought out words for him.  He's part of the good ole' boys club and that is something he needs to face head-on.  If he can't admit that, then there is no use in have a conversation about others that are also in that club. I've given up hope on the place as it stand, confronting him with the truth isn't really going to be an issue for me.

Well, back to the grind - looking up endless websites for names of trucking companies engaging inthe type of trucking I am looking for.

Long day at work. Seriously.  I am not afraid - at all - of driving in heavy rain. In fact, I'll brave pretty much any weather conditions.  But when it's pouring rain and you are having difficulty seeing anything through the windshield, that takes hyper-concentration and just drains me.  But that's what i did for 8-1/2 hours, I knew when I got back to the yard they would send me home simply for the fact that I have too many hours on the clock. I ended up with 45 for the week.

Now, when I got back, the co-worker approached me and told me that he had been texted by the General Manager who said that Thomas - an inside salesman that's been there maybe a year now - had called him and said that this place was operating in the good ole' boy's club mentality.  Yes, I have been saying that forever. But it takes more than just me saying it to confirm anything. The GM didn't believe me - he called the inside salesmen though to see what they sould say and they told him everything was fine.  Which was a bald-faced lie.

They are yelled at every day, belittled, and in Thomas' words: treated differently.  Yes, we all are that haven't been there for 20 plus years. I've said that in this blog, too, several times over. But, I wasn't making any points with any management over there calling them out on it.  Not sorry, the working envirnoment is horrid and has stagnated at the same - low - level that the new manager brought it down to.  Well, allegedly the gm is going to call everyyone including me to find out what is going on.

Duhhh. What did you expect was going to happen? Instant paradise with a man that has no people skills?  That chums around and laughs it up with the people that have been there for 20 plus years but gets a stoic, ugly look on his face with everyone else?  And on...and on....and on.....the gm is a double-talker and plays people - or tries to but us newbies see right through it now.  He makes promises and then simply drops them in the trash can to be forgotten about forever - or until someone like me brings it back up.

I gave up hope on the place a while back, they can say whatever they want now, I consider it meaningless drivel.  They never follow through on anything so I don't say much of anything to any of them now.  I'm just biding my time until I find a new job that will suit me.  OTR is on the backburner.  Not my first choice.  Got my new CDL in the mail yesterday - replete with tanker and hazmat endorsement.  I'm  now applying at places that haul - whatever - in tanks, mostly fuel though.  Many of them want previous tanker experience, some of them will make exceptions if you've been driving tractor trailer rigs for a predetermined length of time.  I'm applying at all of them regardless of their requirements.  UPT last night - which has previous tanker requirement or at least 2 years tractor trailer experience.

But there are many more.  I just like the bigger companies because it is usually more stable and usually offers better benefits.  But, I also found a pamphlet in a truck stop the other day advertising CDL jobs for heavy hauling.  I've done a bit of it.  It's not that hard, really.  I just don't know the nuances of when a particular load has to have an escort or when it has to have a police escort.  Yes, I'm applying there today as well.  Those are very high paying jobs in the 100k range for experienced drivers - which I'm not in that particular field but give it a year and that would change.

Whatever.  Just apply, apply, apply, sooner or later something will break.
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And apply apply apply I have been doing. What a way to spend a Saturday.  ATS has specialized hauling that pays a good deal of money.  It's not local but I would be willing to do it for that kind of pay for a year or two until I get some serious money saved up.  Applied at several fuel hauling sites and spent even more time perusing trrucking magazines and looking up companies.

Now, off to the trucking sites.  People in the industry might have some ideas.  It gets very tedious doing this for long periods of time but it must be done.

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Entertainment of the day.
First, I am sitting here in my bedroom filling out endless applications.  A man yelling at the top of his lungs comes through the window. WTH.  Obscenities and threats.  I look out the window, there is a pickup parked right there so I couldn't see anyone.  Welll whoever this dude was, he went on.  I went outside.  I am hearing a man yelling behind some bushes that are on the neighbor's property.  Where are you? You effing a-hole and all kinds of bs language.  I finally see this dude, next to the street, emerging from behind the bushes.

He walks over to the neighbor's other side of the house, cussing and shouting all kinds of profanity, enraged.  Now I'm just gonna stand there and see if anything happens, cause' whatever it is, that ist he deputy Sheriff's house and there is no way those people could possibly condone whoever this freak is behavior.  The deputy's cruiser was gone - he has 2 jobs, one as law enforcement the other as a banker.  Under any other circumstances, I would have called the police.

Well, he walks into their carport - out of sight but certainly not out of hearing.  This is too much. I text the Sheriff.  He replies...huh?  Turns out the man is the Sheriff's brother who was yelling at the Sheriff's son - but it wasn't just yelling. This was livid anger.  Apparently this dude has had a stroke and has totally messed up his brain.  That's what was texted back.  Okay, not trying to start trouble.  I texted him because he asked me to a while back.  So, no biggies, sort of.  Well kind of is, I mean I wouldn't tolerate that kind of nonsense at my house in Phoenix by any neighbor.

Well, anyway. So, I'm going through the tedium it is to search out companies online and apply.  I have been doing that off and on all day long.  I have to take breaks from it, it just gets tiresome.  I mean, I am going through an entirely new round of this stuff looking for hazmat/tnaker jobs.  I now find out a lot of them want a TWIC card.  It's basically - I had to look it up honestly, had no idea - a card  that gives you access to "
access to secure areas of the nation’s maritime facilities and vessels. TSA conducts a security threat assessment (background check) to determine a person’s eligibility and issues the credential." Well I just went through TSA's background check for hazmat, getting a TWIC card would simply be applying for one.

Same with pretty much anything else.  Well excepting for going out off the country.  I finally found out, just a few days ago from mother, why my oldest brother tried to tell me some 20 plus years ago that "you can't leave the country". He would lose his security clearance. And thus, his position.  I have no idea what would come back for a passport with that kind of crap going on.  Oh, hey, your brother is working in a position with security clearance so we can't issue you a passport based on the potential that you will be kidnapped for ransom/information.

I always go off on tangents. The second event with the neighbors occurred when the boy from down the street came ringing the doorbell.  I get a knock on my bedroom door.  I'm trying to remember his name - Conner - wants you. What for? Blank stare.  Okay.  Well, he says, we got an install kit from Home Depot to put in a new drain for the sink in the bathroom. It is the wrong size.

Well I'm walking in the door with this kid that doesn't live there - but is over there all the time - and apparently she - deputy's wife - thought he was just going to come over and ask me.  She sees Conner first and starts making a comment about whether he knew what to get - and then saw me.  I'ma take a look at it, see what you need.  I walk back there, take a look, figure it out.  Not the wrong size.  Well how do you connect that sized pipe to that one?  Those kits come with everything, they just didn't know how to use them.  I have been doing that stuff for decades, showed the boy - literally put everything together off the sink and handed it back to him - what to do and that was that.

I'm one of those cheap skates when it comes to plumbing, electrical and cars.  I can fix most all of it. If I don't want to, I'll pay someone else to do it. If I don't want to spend the money on labor and shop fees and inflated parts prices, I'l do ti myslf.  Actually I can fix a lot more than that, it's just a thing I decided that I could do out of necessity.  I'm learning 4 wheeler repair because they want as much as auto repair shops or even more for labor fees. Gag, no thanks. This ain't that hard. Just don't necessarily want to do it. It's a pretty strange situation going on over there.

As for me? Way past my bedtime.

Sitting here watching the news stations carrying the election coverage and as the polls had predicted, Trump wins a 5 state sweep.  My scrutiny these days are the polls themselves.  How accurate are they?  Well they pretty much nailed this one.  It's just that everyone hinges on the next poll that comes out.  What did we do before polls? I think these polls actually sway elections to some degree.  Clinton is giving her victory speech - full of lies, exaggerations and partial picture of whatever she is talking about.  Which is expected, but I cannot fathom 4 or 8 years under her "leadership".  Actually, I just turned it off.  I can't stand to listen to her - much like Obama - for more than a few minutes.  The rhetoric and innuendo is just more than I can handle.

And then....I have Christian friends that call Trump evil and say that no Christian could vote for him with a clear conscience.  Oh really?  Well, honey, I will vote for whichever GOP candidate wins, because the worst of them is far better, IMO, than either of the democratic candidates.  Not really a fan of either party now, I used to be Republican all the way but conservative politicians have betrayed their constituents far too many times now.  

Enough of politics - though I am finding this entire election cycle to be highly fascinating.  Mostly because you have 2 rather bizarre candidates in Trump and Sanders that have captured the imagination of people that are dismayed at the direction the nation is heading - though I am definitely never going to agree  with any form of Socialism, especially when a candidate just comes out and says he is.  Then you get his followers trying to define what democratic socialism is and telling you that you are an idiot, stupid, a-hole, jack@$$ and more because you don't automatically believe or accept everything that they are saying.  They can define socialism any way they want, Socialism doesn't work for very long, for one thing and I don't want more government control, dictation, higher taxes, more intrusion into my personal life, etc etc etc.  

The current job situation.  The new manager and I basically don't talk.  I am doing that on purpose now because he is such a totally unsociable person excepting with the people that have been around 20 plus years and even then, he is still just not a conversationalist by any stretch of the imagination.  He got mad at several people today, I just watched.  There is one situation where a fusion machine - a very expensive piece of equipment that is made to heat-weld high density polyethele pipe together - was rented to a customer they didn't know. The caveat is that the machine was delivered by the vendor we use to get those machines from, we didn't deliver it ourselves.  But, it is our customer and delivered for us.  My coworker knows this guy and flat out stated he would have told them not to rent it to him. Well, the machine was supposed to be gone for a day, it's been since January.  It's an almost 100k machine.  So, I can see getting a little upset about it, but the other stuff was stupid, petty and inexcusable.  At this point, keep your anger away from me and I'll leave you alone as well. 

If he does start in on me again, I'm pulling my phone right in front of him and press the record button.  I got 11 hours in yesterday.  I loaded the truck from front to back and took it to a jobsite 100 miles away. It took them hours to unload because they didn't have the proper equipment to do the job.  Next I want to another site to do a return.  Well, 100's - literally - of heavy fittings laying in the dirt in a 100 square foot circumference.  Took 4 hours.  I didn't get back until long after everyone had gone home.  Which was the only thing the new manager was about to start in on me about today - the only "conversation" we had all day as well.  He came up to me this morning with an inside salesman in tow and started trying to grill me on where was the paperwork for the delivery I made yesterday?  I gave him a blank look. I was thinking, did he even botherr to check the basket where we put completed delivery tickets into? He reworded it.  I looked him square in the eye and said yes, I put it in the basket after I got here today.  He got a look on his face.  The guy just looks for trouble.  Dude, the building was LOCKED when I got here last night, I couldn't put it in there last night.  

Ohhhh, that's right.  I keep my verbiage with him extremely limited.  Answer the question, that's it.  

So, I loaded the truck up again this morning for the same jobsite 100 miles away.  Technical load - just a lot of tangents you have to think through before you even put a single pallet on the bed of the truck, because if you don't think it through, you are going to end up pulling everything back off after realizing it isn't going to work and reload the entire thing to be able to get it all on there.  I'm in the will call and an inside salesman says, well that load is illegal.  I am 100% positive there is nothing illegal about the load, but I bit.  What is illegal about it?  It's over loaded, there is too much weight on it.  Nahh, it's not even close.  Well look at all of that stuff on there.  Yeah, it's loaded, but not overweight.  Well how do you know it's not overweight.  Look at it.  Yeah, I'm looking at it, it looks too heavy.  Okay, well the main way I know if I have a heavy load is when I put it in gear and start driving.  

How can you tell if it's too heavy by driving it? The warehouse "manager" finally interjects himself. I didn't need - or want - his help but I just let it ride.  Are you some kind of turck driver dude? You don't even know what you are talking about. Have you ever even driven a truck?  Well I moved one around the lot once.  Lol, the place erupted into laughter. 

Whatever.  I'm a bit more resolved to find a job that fits me rather than just finding whatever I can to get out of there now that I have ascertained that I can at least float by with what I am making. I'm a bit concerned that trying to take Addler OTR might not work out so well. He's a very active dog, much more so than any Dane I have ever seen and he likes to run and frolick and tromp around all over the place.  I mean, I would definitely give him long walks and figure out how to make sure I could let him off a leash - in places away from people anyway - and let him run and get the energy out.  I dunno.  A lot of thoughts I've been trying to process.  

Well, enough for this one.  

I completely spaced out calling the Texas DPS to verify if my fingerprints had come through sufficiently for the TSA to do their background check.  The paper they had given me said call 4 days after you go for fingerprinting.  So I called today. The automated system was nauseating.  On each menu selection, you had to listen to this monotone person go on and on and on about qualifications for this, paperwork for that.  7 plus minutes just to get to the menu that allows you to push 0 for a real, live person.  15 more minutes on hold before a very nice sounding lady got on the phone, said who she was and asked how she could help me.

Well that took me off guard, so I didn't say anything about the wait.  Asked her about the fingerprints. She got my information and said, well you don't need to worry about that now.  Why?  Because they have already approved you and the new license with the hazmat endorsement will be sent out shortly.  But didn't they have to check my fingerprints and do an extensive background check?  Yes, she replied, they already finished that, which is unusual because I know of numerous people that applied in January and still haven't received an answer.

I got home today and there was the first new license (they told me that I would recieve one with my tanker endorsement and then if I qualify, another with the tanker and hazmat endorsement on it).  A second letter from Texas DPS saying I have qualified for Hazmat endorsement and will be receiving the new license in 12 to 14 days.

There's just one problem with all of this.  I don't have a job lined up that requires hazmat or tanker endorsements.  I don't even know if I will be able to get one.  I have checked several companies that haul hazmat - mostly fuel - and they all require 2 year tanker experience.

Okay, well KAG (Keenan Advantage Group) called me back today - I applied yesterday.  Try filling out one of those applications with a smart phone versus doing it on a computer that can autofill everything.  Took half an hour! I got a bit excited when they called because they have lots of local jobs.  Well, we don't have any local jobs in the Shreveport area right now, but we do have OTR tanker jobs out of Longview with one of our subsidiary companies.  Would you be interested in that?  Out 10 to 14 days......

Here's a situation where it might be worth taking on an OTR position temporarily - a year at least I am guessing - to move back to local driving.  Meanwhile, the overnight driving position in Tyler is not only still open, they want me to come Monday for a road test - which I would surely pass and be hired. And spend 14 hours a day in work related activities. Still, a 3 day weekend is very appealing.

I don't know how long I am going to be mulling over this, contemplating and analyzing the pro's and con's of any given job or when/whether I am going to take another one.  It certainly isn't an easy decision  - but I knew it wouldn't be.  I just didn't realize it would be this hard.

I'll tell you what, if you could capture the images that your dreams give you onto disc - far more vivid than anything Hollywood could ever pull off.

Anyway, serious thought about the all night driving job and I nixed that.  I just can't readjust my entire lifestyle to being awake all night long and trying to sleep during the day. Not to mention 60 miles either way to work, plus 12 hours at work, meaning 14 hour days, leaving only 2 hours  per day to do anything at all besides working and sleeping.  Sure, you get 3 days off but that kind radical change to sleeping and awake hours is  too much for me.

But, I did apply at KAG - Keenan Advantage Group - yesterday.  They apparently do some kind of tanker training because they don't have a clause stating you must have x amount of experience pulling a tanker.  I was back at the refinery yesterday watching them, it's just nothing that is that complicated.
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Warehouse "manager" has something up his crawl against me - but then again - he was bs talking behind my back telling the good ole boys "we were doing fine without him before he came" and "he can carry his ass" (meaning, quit/leave).  I ignore him.  I work with him, yes, but only as far as the job parameters dictate, beyond that, if he wants to start s***, I have my phone ready to record any of this crap now.  But, they won't say anything around me because ---- they know I will dish it right back to them.  However, at this point?  No.  Just record the crap.

Anyway, the place in Tyler isn't giving up.  I've worked at current company for 10 years, an apparent anomoly in the trucking industry.  They have a road test schedule for me on Monday.

Ugh. Decisions.  Will my company come back with an answer about pay before Monday?  Likely they won't come back with a "fresh" answer for months.  I have so many thoughts that contradict other thoughts - what to do, what to do.

Back to warehouse manager.  He can't contain himself forever.  It's just not in his nature.  He will lash out at some point and hopefully I have the finger on the button to start the recording.  This stuff really needs to be exposed to corporate, who won't ever believe a lone person that will have no backing from anyone, perhaps the other driver but that's it. We are already branded - yet- they knew the nature of this new manager, they know the dispostion of the warehosue dude - it's just a good ole boy's club. I get text messages every day from the other driver, he hates working there now.

I'm done. I have too much on my mind to write any further.

As time passes and the s*** gets floated around at work - the gm repeated the contents of my email to the new manager, who went and blabbed it to numerous people - even after the gm specifically stated that the hadn't discussed or even told the new manager about the email - it gets more and more of a volatile work place.  The good ole' boys - people working there for 20 plus years - were sitting around discussing my email to the gm this morning.  They didn't realize a set of ears was standing around the corner, hearing everything they were saying.

No, not me.  Warehouse manager sent me out on an all day run today.  

And no, I'm not procrastinating.  I am supposed to go for a road test tomorrow, but the man that I have been speaking to disappeared on me today and after several phone calls and text messages, I gave up. It was the local job - though 60 miles away - that runs 12 hours a day at least but has me off 3 days per week.  I may just take one of the postions offered that I have considered whether it is "optimal" or not and deal with the local job I want as time progresses.  I have too much going on right now, my mind is distracted by work and focusing on a completely different type of driving job is just kind of a "out there" thing.  I got the endorsements while I had time ot get them - and waiting on approval for the hazmat.  I can go work somewhere else and figure this stuff out when it all calms down. 

___________________________________

3 days later.  Yesterday, round 1 o'clock, they had a run for me to go Ruston.  It's about 70 minute drive.  Warehouse manager - I call him that, he has all the roles of a manager but does not have the official, sanctioned title from the company - tells me that "Matthew wants to talk to you".  Matthew is my old manager, a few better person for the position than the new one. He has been completely removed from managerial roles and is totally engrossed in outside sales work.  No idea what he wants.

Go into his office, hey Ben, it'll be about 10 minutes, just finished up your review here. My review? I thought.  They had done everyone else's but they didn't do mine - presumably because they thought I was quitting, who knows, I didn't ask.  Okay.  I thought about it for a few minutes.  They just can't give me a bad review, whether they like me or not.  I show up to work on time, every time, I get my work done, I do whatever they ask of me without questioning it, I get the job done faster than anyone else there.  My attitude is good even if sometimes I have to fake it.

Well, of course, the new manager was in on it.  We sit down, closed door and I just sit and wait.  You know, whatever they say, I'll take it in stride.  I know my worth and value to the industry I am in and my contributions to this company.  So, Matthew had to do the review because Mark just started a montha n a half ago as the new manager.  Matthew starts in on it - you know what you are doing, I gave you a 3 for this, a 4 for that, etc etc.  I was a bit surprised at the amount of complimenting and praise he was giving me. The new manager interrupted after a while and said, well, I'm going to give my version of a review, I know I haven't been here the last year but I have been watching you for the past - 2 months he said, however long he's been here.

I didn't even brace myself.  Calm, cool, collected.  Not going to let him get under my skin.  So, what he said next was near shocking, considering coming from him and considering everything else I have heard him saying.  I can't really ask any more from an employee than what you have been doing.  You know what you are doing, you get the job done, you show up to work on time, you do everything that is asked of you, I think you are doing an excellent job.  I was very impressed that day I went out and worked with you moving the railroad ties, you have a very good work ethic. This went on for a while.  I mean, really?  What else was I going to do? Thank you for the compliments.

But I knew the fracture was going to be brought up: pay.  Well, so what arae your goals with this company? Are you looking for another job or what?  "well, I have been looking for another job and since they are calling here to verify my employment you arleady know that".  So, what is your issue? Is this something with me (the new gm), others working here, what? My issue, flatly, is the pay. You think I want to walk away from 10 tenure with this company?  It would take me at least 10 years to get the kind of benefits - vacation time in particular - the I have here.

The discussion went on and on and on.  They knew I was going straight to the gm to ask for more money.  Yes, I have been talking with him, according to him they can't make a decision until they say where the numbers are later this year.  Which, I simply don't accept, not at the pay levels you are paying me.  Ben, you are making more than any of the other drivers.  Any of them in the entire region.  But, I replied the pay is substandard.  I've asked countless drivers from other companies coming in here how much they are getting paid if they wanted to respond and not a single one of them is being paid anything as low as the pay is here. So, your argument about it being the prevailing simply isn't true.

This has been on of their arguments all along and it just doesn't wash.  For experienced drivers with a good driving record you are going to make much more than what this company pays and the only reason I was okay with the pay was all of the OT making up for it.  It was the weight on the scale that equalized it for me. Not the best comrpomise, but I was making enough to be happy enough.

Well, Matthew interjects, you would have a much better chance of getting a pay raise going through Mark than going to the gm yourself.  Mark piped in - yes and anyone that I feel deserves a fighting chance you can bet I'll stick up for them and give it my best effort to try and get it through.  If you would like, I would be willing to try that for you.  Okay, I appreciate that, thank you.  Well, how much are you wanting?  I named an hourly wage and they just sat back and took that in.  I was being completely serious, it's not an unreasonable figure so that was that with me, like or not, that's what I want.  So, they both started talking, $3 more per hour?  Ahh, $2.50 brings me up there.  They started shaking their heads at first and said no, no way, you'll never get that much of a raise.  I just stared at them.  I'm not going to say, okay, 50 cents  then.

Then they started hedging.  Well, okay, well I don't know about that kind of raise but we'll see what we can do.  That's more like it.  I don't expect them to give me a $3 per hour raise, but you know the old idiom of starting higher and agree to something lower - though not that much lower.  $2 per hour is the minimum I would agree to, but I held my cards in my hand, I wasn't giving them any of that.  Mark has known the gm for a couple of decades, he's in their club, I will agree that if he really wanted to take it up for me with him, he stands a far better chance than me.  I'm basically an outsider and they even came close to saying something like that.  "Yes, well, Eugene and Eddie (and a long list ) we've know for 20 years, but you and Terrance (the other driver) only a couple of years and we don't really know you that well.

This really threw me into a conundrum because yesterday, before this came up, I was ready to make a decision. The place in Tyler never called me back for the road test. I called them a couple of times with no answer so I blew that off. I was pretty much set on PTL and was going to call for an orientation date.  Seriously.  I weighed the options, OTR isn't that great but the pay is.

Going to work this morning - a little strange. Simply because they told the temp driver last week that I was quitting and wouldn't be back.  Lol, I didn't give out that kind of information.  The last conversation I had with the GM was that he would appreciate me letting him know when I make a decision about staying or going.  Okay.  However, they did not have the temp driver come into for my co worker told them I was coming in.  They don't ask me, they ask him for the new manager doesn't want to talk to me.

It was even stranger getting to work and opening up the gate, I was the first one there, and having the warehouse manager come flying in, park his truck at an angle taking up 2 spaces, rush out of the truck and into the will call.  WHAT, was .... THAT .... all about?  I just walked in, clocked in, got on my work clothes, what's up?

Now, I was sent clear to Pineville, which took 5 hours round trip.  No problem with me, I didn't want to be in that yard. Especially with a manager that gives me looks but won't say a word to me.  Well, that changed today.  After I got back and was given an order to pull for tomorrow, he came up to me in the warehouse and demanded I stop what I am doing and " you are going to have to put that pallet down right now and go get pipe for those people", pointing to a truck with a gooseneck trailer that had pulled into the yard.  This wasn't, would you please go do that and thank you,  it was in anger.  I just smiled at him back.  Kill him with kindness, my motto.  In fact, after he was out of hearing range, i started laughing at the utter pettiness and stupidity of this man.  What a miserable, wretched person.
It's not like I would have tried to resist him if he had taken nicer tones.  I don't really care what they want me to do at any given time.

I left early today, well I got my 8 in.  Headed to Carthage - Texas - to get fingerprinting done for hazmat.  The address they gave me took me to a gas station.  I tried Google maps, which took me 10 miles the other side of town - a ranch with an inn, back to the gas station.  Duhhhh, geeze Ben, you only spent 11 years finding addresses for that other company.  I had the right address in the maps, but looking at the number on the gas station, it was in the 2300 block and the address I needed was in the 2600 block.  Welll whatever, I found the place, gave prints of every finger and that was that.  TBH, I don't even know if it will end up resulting in any kind of hazmat job, but, I am now deliving into things I had only thought of doing before.  I am sooo tired today, though.  I was going to start looking on line for jobs with hazmat or tanker or both but - I ain't. Number one, hazmat background check takes 2 to 4 weeks and number 2, knowing the stories about the DHS, who knows if I will even be approved.

It's only 5:30, maybe I'll wake up a bit and do some searching a little later on. I am so sick of that job I am working now.  The manager just kills the atmosphere and, I am defintely not the only one that hates it, I'm just one of 2 that has actually said anything.  I am not saying anything further.  I made my case, they denied it, it is obviously a losing proposition when you consider people working there for 25 years that are making less than a dollar more per hour than I am.

But, I'm gonna have to get moving on applications.  Think I'll take a short nap and hope to feel a bit better and then start some searching.

For almost 4 weeks, I've had this swelling going on in my upper left eyelid.  I didn't know what caused it, I just figured it would eventually go away by itself.  But it wasn't and this morning I thought - hmmm - if I quit this job I won't have health care for 90 days.  So I went into an express care place this morning - Sunday that is - and figured they would give me some kind of antibiotic.

And that's exactly what the doctor was going to do. "Well, we're going to give you an antibiotic and that should take care of the problem. But if it persists for any length of time, come back".  Well, I repleid, it's already been almost 4 weeks.  He was on his way out the door to write a prescription but those words stopped him in his tracks.  I'll be right back.  I didn't like the sound of that.

He came back, with an assistant, put a couple drops of anesthetic in my eye and gave it a few minutes.  How did he check to find out of it was working? Stick a needle in the eyelid.  It wasn't working.  I didn't say anything, let's get this over with.  I had no idea that he was going stab that eyelid repeatedly, over and over and over, 30 - 40 times.  Stab it, squeeze the eyelid, apply copious amount of pressure that was causing my eyeball to hurt under the pressure - which is when I did say something, let's not cause any damage here please.

Blood everywhere, he just kept picking at the abcess over and over with that needle.  He left for a minute, came back and started all over again!  We finally got to the end of this, he kept putting saline solution in my eye to clean out the blood. Finally called it done.  Thank God Almighty.  Got done with that, headed up front.  You don't owe anything.  Okay.  Paying for health care, might as well use it while I have it.  Headed to CVS.  Pharmacy closed.  Oh, we'll be open in 10 minutes.  Okay.  Got the prescription, was heading out and decided to get some wrinkle cream for my face.  Looking pretty - bad - there.  I've used it before, it actually works.  Got a box that said $5.99 in a sea of boxes that had over 20 listed.

Dude at counter rings it up. That will be $22.79.  Huh?  I walked back over and checked, clearly stated $5.99. He called another person to check it.  Yup, these boxes are in the wrong location. I got the cream for $5.99.  I didn't ask him for that, he just did it, I was going to leave without it.

Now, back at home, thinking.  General manager came up from Baton Rouge on Friday.  Why did he do that?  He never comes up at the end of the week, his visits are always at the beginning of the week and usually stays for several days or the entire week. My mind has gone to all the fear issues.  Bringing a final paycheck to fire me.  Giving instructions what to do with me, who knows.  Don't have a good feeling about it, but it's whatever.  I'm glad I waited to make a decision on what company to work for  for I got the ball rolling on hazmat and I hope to eventually find a job that pays much better with that endorsement.  It always does, but you still have to find a job that works for your lifestyle.  Now, back to the gm, after he was going on about this pay stuff on the phone the other day, I flat out asked  him if he wanted me to leave.

It sure was sounding that way.  No! He replied.  Now, that doesn't mean he didn't change his mind.  I guess I am a bit perplexed by him going up there on Friday, that is not usual modus operandi for him.
I'll find out tomorrow morning if anything - not good - becomes of it.  If I've learned anything in life, it's not to make rash or quick decisions. Now I did make a fast decision to start looking for a job and I have talked to countless recruiters, but I haven't actually pulled the trigger on any of them yet.  Trucking companies are in a deseperate contest to try and lure drivers to their companies.  It's that bad.  They all have tractors sitting there, empty, waiting to be driven  and enough business to keep you driving.

At least I do have my old manager on my side.  That didn't come from him directly, that came through my co worker who was sitting in the new manager's office decidedly stating that he hopes I don't quit.  Well of course, he's an outside salesman now and getting the product delivered to the jobsites on time with correctly pulled orders is something he is focused on.  Regardless, whoever is on what side, the pay is the serious  issue that the gm has flatly stated isn't going to change.  "Not a good business decision right now".  But, you don't mind keeping me around at greatly reduced pay yet doing the exact same job?  Yeah, I posed several questions that got either no answer at all or a fancy two-step.

It's a challenging environment to continue to work in since I've "made the waves" that no-one else there in any of the branches ever has.  Nobody has ever challenged us on this before.  Well maybe people should grow a set and speak up for themselves and even if it doesn't get you what you either want or need, at least you have the peace of mind that you tried before you left.  If I hadn't tried and hadn't pressed the issue, I wouldn't have felt good about quitting once I do pull the trigger.  But this hazmat and tanker endorsement opens up - hopefully - new avenues of opportunity to have a job that has me going home every night. But - the caveat is - usually is in trucking - that you have to have x amount of time OTR before they will consider it.  Why? Because you have a record and it can be verified as to whether you  screwed up with it or not.

It makes sense, I suppose, especially driving around 10,000 gallons of gasoline.  After my study the other day, the biggest concerns in tankers is taking curves and stopping.  I didn't realize that a quick stop could have the fluid in the tank forcing the truck into an intersection, called fluid surge.

Well, I'm going to look around on the internet for bulk fuel haulers today and get some names of companies that engage in such.  I still have to pass the Homeland Security background check - Lord only knows what criteria they use.

Okay.  I wrote this on my FB wall but I am defintely writing this in my blog as well.  I went to bed last night at 8:30, that's early even for me.  I finally dragged out of bed after 7:00 am. Got Addler outside, got myself some coffee, came back in here - my bedroom - sat down and contempleted things.  WHAT am I doing? Yeah, going OTR solves the financial problem but it does nothing to solve the problem of finances and having a life outside of work. You live in a truck.  Those trucks are nice nowadays, the OTR version of them, but they are small boxes and they can be as nice as all get-out and still, you are living in a box.

I sat there and just prayed. Lord, what am I supposed to do now?  I have NO clue.  I don't want to live OTR.  I know I could probably handle it for a couple of years but even that is really a lot.  Yes, I could save up a lot of moeny, definitely.  But isn't there another solution to this?  It wasn't really an extended prayer time, I just lifted that up and then, my head started getting full of this notion that I should study for a tanker endorsement and a hazmat endorsement.  But that's going to take a long time, that doesn't help me right now.  No, just do it.

I didn't look up the handbook, I just looked up tests online for tanker endorsement and hazmat.  If I can answer enough sample tests, I can pass the DMV test.  Tanker had it's variations, but I quickly learned that and was passing every test I could find easily.  I mean, it isn't rocket science to know that going around curves, you slow down initially and then speed up a bit to reduce side to side surge.  It was something I had never really considered that stopping at a light quickly could get that forward surge to pushing your truck out into the intersection.

I did that for an hour and a half, I think.  I just kept looking up different tests from different sites and finally I started getting all the answers right.  Okay, let's move on to hazmat - which I knew would be much harder - and then come back to tanker and take a few more tests as a refresher. Well, my first hazmat test scored 40%. Well I didn't feel bad about that at all, I expected it. I have NO knowledge of hazmat, just used common sense but a lot of questions you need knowledge, common sense doesn't rise up to the occasion.  Second test was 60%, 3rd - on and on - and on - and on.  I posted on face book at least 30 tests, but thinking about it, 2 plus hours of 24 to 45 question tests that I was poking out on the keyboard in rapid fire succession? More like 50 of them.

It took QUITE a while to get to the point that I could actually answer all or most of the questions correctly.  There is a lot there to learn.  But, I thought, well, this is a go-for-it situation.  So, I went back to tanker questions, aced all of those and then back to hazmat. where I found even more tests that threw curve balls at me.  Good, I thought, I want everything they can dish out, I don't have time for classes, handbooks and studying. Just get past the initial testing and I'll get the rest of it done by hands-on experience if I can find a place that will give me the opportunity.

So there it is.  I drove to the DMV office - which was completely void of people. I commented on that when I went in there.  Yes, the lady at the desk stated, and that's a bad sign because my co-worker here is about to leave for the day.  Ohhhh, well I'm here now!! lol.  A LOT of paperwork to fill out, especially for hazmat.  Wow.  She informed me that I would pass the tests easily.  I took that as a good sign and didn't bother to tell that I had spent all of 4 hours this morning studying for it with nothing else and no previous experience.

Sat down at the computer and started in on it. I reminded myself to stay calm, don't get anxious, that's how you make mistakes and give wrong answers.  Keep in the same mindset you were in earlier when you were doing all of those tests and yes, it hopefully will be okay.  I will point out now that I had my doubts.  How do you just study for a few hours and then show up and take the tests?  I figured if I passed those tests, another sign from the Lord that there is something better on the horizon.

Curve balls.  Trick questions.  I knew they would be on there, I didn't honestly know if I had answered them correctly or not.  But I didn't waste any time with either test, I was done in 10 minutes.  I don't ever waste time on such things, you either know or  you don't know, sitting there thinking too long is actually a detriment in such things, I have found. If I don't really know, take the first thing that came to mind.  It might not be right but it's what you thought is right.

Tanker? 19 out of 20 questions right and that test replete with numerous trick questions.  Even the lady at the counter admitted that such types of questions were in there.  When the hazmat test came up on the screen, I got a bit nervous.  I stopped for a few seconds and redirected my thoughts.  NO, I am going to remain calm and I am going to have enough confidence to get through this.  If I get too many wrong, then so what?  If God is in this, though, I'm going to pass these tests.  Now, the reader can argue with that all day long and say that is simplistic thinking or stupid or falling for a fantasy or whatever, but remember: I just started studying for this stuff today and I have no experience with either tankers or hazmat.

I did sit there for several seconds on probably 5 or 6 questions.  Because those questions weren't asked in any of the tests I had taken.  I thought through, made a decision and clicked on it.  I was nervous at the end of the test because I had  no idea whether I passed or not.  When I saw 27 out 30 correct, 24 correct needed to pass, I was elated!  Yes! I has listened to all these  other drivers for years saying how incredibly hard it is to pass the hazmat test.  That is really what had thrown me off about this.  Endless drivers saying how hard it is. Well wth.  I wonder now if they every really even tried versus what they said?

If you want the truth of the matter, making it through Homeland Security's background check and subsequent decision is more of an unknown to me than a test with definitive answers.  That's next.  Appointment Monday to have fingerprints taken at a seperate, private business (but given out by Texas as the sole company to engage in such) and see if I pass that for the hazmat.  Tanker is done, I have that endorsement and could haul food products or whatever else is available without hazmat.  But hazmat is the money. It really is.  People with hazmat thar are engaged in positions that haul hazmat materials always make more money.  There is risk, of course, especially with certain types of hazmat - well all of it really but some worse than others (think: radioactive).

I don't even know if I will be able to find a job with all of this! LOL that's the funny part. I am just acting on what I felt the Lord impress upon me!  Well it's not like laughable funny, I take the Lord seriously, but He does have a way of injecting humor into situations.

Meanwhile, that company in Tyler?  That has the 4 days on 3 off but occasionally 5 days on and 2 off? That is driving all night? Yeah, that one.  "Please call as soon as possible so we can schedule a road test".  A road test means they are hiring you, it's not if, it's when?  Why couldn't I take a local position that might be hell for a while but get this hazmat through and jsut do it? Or even stick with my present company until it is through - though that is, admittedly a dicey proposition - and see what I can find?  I dunno.

I just can't make up my mind because I am not really comfortable with anything yet.  I mean, I like the PTL company, I think they would treat me right but it's still out 12 to 14 days at a time.

I have a weekend to contemplate all of this, at least.

Welll here it is Thursday morning.  I'm home - off for two days.  Probably off forever.  The gm simply isn't going to budge in pay and trust me, it is substandard pay.  The only thing that equalized it was the large amount of OT that all the drivers were getting. I guess they believe they can just arbitrarily remove a large portion of a person's pay and that person is just to sit around and eat it.

I talked with two drivers from the main branch down south about this as well.  They were lamenting the pay but they were unwilling to do anything about their situation. That's really where you could force a decision in our favor: come together, say we want more money or we are leaving.  The company would be screwed.  This isn't a get in the truck and drive operation.  There is no way, at all, that anyone else working there that isn't a driver could cover all of that, just impossible. We pull orders, check them, palletize them, shrink wrap them and load the trucks.  Those people have absolutely no clue how to load a tractor trailer rig, none, whatsoever.

But, that isn't going to happen.  So face reality.  Live with wages that are so abysmal that I consider it poverty level - though it isn't it just seems that bad - or move on to something I really am not sure I want to do but make twice the money and do that for a while until/if/when I find a local job that I like, that pays me well and that I can spend the rest of my working days at until I retire.

My thoughts have returned to rentals and properties.  I just know I could eventually get a very good income off such a venture if I could get my foot in the door.  Need to get my credit back up.  It's a goal that I am now implementing to increase my credit rating and get a piece of land and turn it into a mobile home or RV park.  Or a mixture of both is usually what many of them do.  Not a trashy one, either, one that is well manicured and maintained.  Non-prime property out here is pretty cheap.  You don't have to be in the middle of town to have a place that is alluring to people who need lower priced housing.

I'm probably going to have buyer's remorse in quitting this job and doing something else, just like my mom had when she recently put her house up for sale and has signed on another one on the other side of Phoenix.  Her reasoning was good, but she's 80 years old and all of her friends are right there.  She did have some reservations and wondered if she had made the right choice but now she's all into it. It is a move that gets her much closer to her Payson property and also very much closer to my oldest brother.  My middle brother about 25 miles - instead of the 50 it used to be.  I am having doubts that that automatically means she is going to see them more, but perhaps.

I'll probably hate it at first but settlle into eventually.  I doubt my present company will ever want me back, so this is the point where I have to make absolutely sure that this is a good  move.

This local job that came up - I'm kinda backing off from.  It's 60 mile away. It's almost all night driving.  I'm just not really much of a night driver anymore and I think I might hate the job. At the same time, it's 3 days  off every week. Could I handle it? I just don't know.  Big gamble to take if I find I can't adapt to being up all night long and sleeping during the day.  Plus 600 miles of commute per week.  A lot of wear on the car and gas and all of that.  My current weekly commute is about 350 miles total.

If I eliminate that, then I am down to two companies.  One that comes through here frequently and one that the closest I get is Dallas.  Dallas is 150 miles, but it would only be a trip home every two weeks so I wouldn't really care that much about that.  It just sounds like a better company than the one that comes through here frequently.  I would have to find a place to park the truck to be able to come here - though I think I've found one and am going to drive over there today and see if they allow overnight parking for 2 night stays.  Definitely don't need the truck getting towed and getting stuck with a huge towing bill.

Well, I'm in the throes of decision making and right now? I'm going to drive down the road and see about parking a rig at a small, local truckstop.  There aren't any big ones here, lol.