Today's musings.
Went to a job site.  Drove the semi onto the site as I have done before.  The top of the ground was dry, everything underneath it?  Mud.  Realized it too late and was stuck in clay.  I get the construction company to bring a dozer over and hook a strap up to it - no chains in the truck (retarded, what construction truck doesn't have chains?) and the strap broke.  Another man drove up in a pickup truck, got out, started cussing heavily.  Came up and started cussing at me.  I told you not to drive in here!  Blah blah blah lots of foul language.  I'm just looking at him biting my tongue.  I admit I have ulterior motives in not telling him to go shove it up his @$$, he has the equipment to get me out of there, otherwise we are going to have to call a wrecker to come and drag it out of there at big bucks.

The man says he doesn't have a chain, but then says he does have one - at the other end of the jobsite but refused to go get it - not that I asked, i was ready to knock his teeth out for the way he was addressing me and took everything in me not to do that. I usually do not take such s*** from people at jobsites.  I will get in the truck and drive off - which I couldn't do! lol.  Told me I would have to get someone to come out and bring a chain.  I just looked at him. Probably was glaring, actually.  He took off, I made the phone call. Send someone out with a chain, this guy has one but won't bring it.  Set off a firestorm I found out later, I am not the first person he has cussed out, in fact, he cussed out the manager last week.  Salesman said screw the idiot, he can go to our competitor.

Regardless, I got out of the truck after that and started digging out in front of the tires. Not the first time I got a truck stuck and undoubtedly not the last, not with the places we go to. I saw that I could get the thing unstuck and went at it post haste.  Digging like crazy, get all the mud out of the front of all of the tires on the tractor and the trailer and I should be able to get the thing moving again. That guy can go - jump in a lake putting it very mildly.

Next thing I know, I hear a truck pull up and a voice saying something.  That dude, undoubtedly,  on the other side of my truck, I completely ignored him. Just kept digging.  He came around to my side of the truck but I had already moved to the other side, I am NOT going to tolerate his SHIT, if he was to mouth off to me again, I would have let him have it, nose to nose, right in his face.  Instead, he had brought a chain and was going to pull it out!  What the freak.  Seriously, if you had heard the way he was cussing at me and yelling, you would have had the same reaction. I NEVER spoke an ill word to the man.

He pulled it out, I drove to another place where they wanted to unload, got that done, the guy came back and profusely apologized to me. Okay! Thank you for pulling the truck out!

Moving on.  Over at m'lady's house today.   I have a new weapon, lol.  The kids and the 4 wheelers.  Yup.  Clean your rooms, keep them clean, get up in time for school, don't give lip service no attitude, etc etc etc.  Okay, it's not a weapon, just a useful tool.  It's working at least for now.  Until they get bored with them.  If they ever do, who knows.

And now?  Too late for me.  Time for bed.

ben

Something that I have literally always wanted since I was a kid were dirt machines - bikes and back then 3 wheelers - to play around with and have some fun with.  My parents were totally against such things as well as guns. So, we didn't learn how to hunt or use guns when growing up and any kind of motorized off road vehicle was strictly prohibited.

One thing I insisted on before I even came out here was that i was going to buy some 4 wheelers and we are going to have some fun with them! Coming out here, for me, this was mandatory.  And in the last 2 weeks, I have scored twice on 2 of them that were priced well below what they are worth and today?  Aye yay yaiiiii!
I saw this thing on Craigslist and immediately sent an email to the poster.

Polaris 500, 4WD, in excellent condition, $1,500.  Are you serious?  When he finally contacted me back, I was already headed to m'lady's house - with fully 4 conversations going on.  I got to her place and discussing a plethora of issues going on with kids and the house and then the dude contacts me.  We're headed that way!  We (just her and I) headed over there.  Upon arrival I took one look at that thing and thought: if this thing is in the excellent running condition that they say it is, I am buying it!

Sure enough. Took that thing for a ride down a nice long trail and wow!  I had already gotten a final price well below the $1,500 asking price.  This thing has high and low 4 wheel drive.  The handle for front brakes actually operates ALL the brakes, there is a pedal for the rear brakes but not necessary unless under extreme mudding conditions, lol.  The selling point for me is that it has been WELL taken care of and yes, this thing will haul @$$!

I am done with all of the 3 wheel purchases.  2 running - in great condition and one a project but confident I can get it up and going soon enough.

That was my "day" after work today.

Now?

Time for bed.

ben

Microphone entry. Meaning there will be errors and not going to fix them. Three day weekend coming up. Tomorrow will be workday, Sunday a trip to hurricane Harbor and Arlington, Monday probably barbecue and four wheeling.

I figured to get close to a full days work out of the kids tomorrow considering the opportunities that lie ahead and having fun and not having to do anything. At least that's my take on it if you can get them to work a whole day give them a day of fun afterwords. Very much want to start on the master bedroom bathroom. The tile won't have to be torn out of it as well as the bathtub and at least one wall.

The countertop in that bathroom was destroyed by older teenage kids that were going to turn that room and another one into some sort of party place for kids to come to. Somewhat this main considering that particular countertop is pretty much a high dollar set up as was the rest of the house when I was originally built. Replacing such things with other high-quality material is not exactly a cheap expenditure.

The cabinetry and there is also high quality craftsmanship, but those are not trashed and all that needs is a good paint job. It will undoubtedly take quite some time to renovate that bathroom but it will be well worth it. It is currently yellow including the bathtub and the tile has a crack running through in about 8 to 9 feet long. Personally I cannot envision coming into an ugly yellow bathroom every morning to take a shower to get ready for work.

Hurricane Harbor was a good night D at first, but then a serious issue arose that made it seem to be not such a great idea after all. However, the damage was done the kids knew about it and it would've been very disappointing for them for us not to go. I was, in fact, opting to go to the lake for reasons and I simply cannot go into here. Weather hurricane Harbor is going to be a fun trip for a total disaster remains to be seen. Again, for reasons and I simply cannot going to be here it's personal business.

I am guessing the kids will have fun regardless of what happened so I suppose it won't be a total loss anyway. As for tomorrow's work I demand that they do some work at least for five hours of it to get some stuff done around the house and show that they really do appreciate the amount of money and the time and the effort and the energy it's going to take to take them all over there.

Frankly I would've demanded the work regardless. Mud we have some toys now which is also helping to motivate them greatly. In fact the motivation from these toys is far more than I expected that it would have been terms of motivating them to get stuff done. These kids are extremely bored because there is is not that much to do at this place. TV is restricted to the point that there is no sense in even having satellite television in the house. A straight authoritarian dictatorship is obviously not having the intended effect that those that are in acting it intended it to have. Much to the opposite, it feels feelings of presentment and I anger.

But who am I to say anything? 

It's Friday another five hours of work and the three-day weekend does begin. It is always unfortunate that it seems like three-day weekends go by so quickly. Like they never existed. Be that has it maybe it is definitely welcome to Monday Tuesday morning will get here quick enough but definitely would not be on my mind during that time.

I wish I can say that I'm settling into some kind of groove in living my life over here but so far that isn't happening. Long work days followed by visits have me up early and I have me  home late. The problem is that there is not enough time to get everything done that needs to be done, much less time to get things done that I want to get done. 

A nice compromise at work would be at least a couple of days where I can get off early, but then the bills wouldn't be mad because I rely relay on the overtime to make up for the lack. The only real alternative to getting my life back to some hours that would give me more free time would be to find a new job somewhere. Though I am considering and it isn't necessarily something that I really want to have to do.

Meanwhile, the place that I am running apparently the woman that owns the land has put the sale of it on hold. I guess she was informed that if she did a number of upgrade she would get exponentially more money for the land and property and housing etc. which is good for me because I don't really feel like moving.

Just an update on things and I haven't done on the on here in a while, I am doing much of my journaling on a different site at this point.

Good day

Ben

Been  sick - or down - or whatever - since Saturday night.  Extreme fatigue, as in, no energy to do much of anything.  Just laying around sleeping.
Went into an emergency care place yesterday and had a barrage of blood tests done.  The results today were negative on everything that had come back so far, still the thyroid and testosterone ones yet to come back.
I have been off work yesterday and today.  Spent Sunday night at her place at her insistence, she was worried and I didn't really have the energy to be staying by myself without any help if needed so I caved in on that one.  Just came back tonight.  I intend on going to work tomorrow - unless I simply cannot drag my butt out of bed tomorrow morning.  I have plenty of sick hours available and if that weren't true, I am back up to 91 hours of vacation time available.  But yeah, I had 49 hours of sick leave available as of Sunday night, subtract 18 from that and I still have plenty left.  I just don't like taking too much time off of work for sick leave.  Vacation another story.

Spent the entire day today with 4 of the kids - mom went to work and told the nanny to stay home today she can come back tomorrow.  In other words, save her some money.  I felt fine this morning, actually and took them out to Denny's cause' they kept asking and I was hungry and didn't want to cook. But after I got back from that, look out.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and I laid around the rest of today.

And that's it for this update cause' energy levels aren't particularly high and I don't want to stay up late, going to go to bed early tonight.

ben

Talking with a co-worker today.  He is unhappy with the pay.  In fact, all 3 other drivers complain about the pay frequently.  Yes, it is not very good, I totally agree but they are making even less then  I am.  I mean, I am not going to work for this kind of money forever.  Yes, I am getting a little bigger paycheck than I used to but I am working 2 extra hours and then some each and every day to get it.  I replied to him that I have been encouraged to find a job in Longview and I am considering looking.  If I am going to work 10, 11, 12 extra hours a week, I want to see that on my paycheck as extra not as gee, I got what I used to get at 8 hours.

"Beeeeen (that's how the black folks always say my name),  ever since you started working here I have been all happy that you are here! I won't blame you for going and finding another job somewhere else, but the workload has been greatly reduced off both Tony and I since you came here!  You have made us all happy!".

I'm not patting myself on the back, but I learned at an early age a good work ethic.  I also learned that if you want better pay, go above and beyond for it.  That contradicts two driver's philosophy that I am working too hard and I must be getting paid a lot versus them not getting paid much and therefore doing whatever the hell they want and taking their sweet old time about things.  You should hear the scoffing directed towards me as they see me thoroughly cleaning out the cabs of the trucks.  I refuse to drive in squalor and filth, these trucks are DISGUSTING.

I'm going to start looking around the area for whatever is available.  I don't see a lot online, but I have found that the good jobs are usually not posted online, you have to go out and find them.  My BIG problems is if I quit my current job and I lose some crazy good paid vacation hours.  At least in my opinion they are, 151 hours per year.  That's only 9 hours short of 4 weeks paid vacation per year, plus 3 floating holidays, 3 personal days and 5 sick days not to mention 6 major holidays, no weekend work and generally good management.  I'm telling you, if they would up my pay I would consider staying and just deal with it.  It doesn't take long to get vacation hours back up, especially with that much overtime which also counts towards vacation pay.

I'm in no hurry to make the wrong decision, so I'm just taking each step as I see to take it.

Waiting to hear whatever from IRS about tax returns I sent in - 3 years worth.  3 grand worth as well.  My paperwork arrived in the Philippines,wait and see what's going to happen with that.  Josiah in a reported serious car wreck today, apparently he pulled out in front of someone and basically totaled the work van he was driving.  Not sure why a business owner would allow a 16 year old driver who just started driving drive a work vehicle, that doesn't really make any sense to me.  If that business owner knew what I know about how Josiah drives, he definitely would not let him drive anything.  Josiah is okay, thankfully, but some lessons to be learned.

That's it for today!

ben

The end of another weekend and facing another week of - whatever - at work.  This weekend's "stuff" consisted of a lot of bickering between Josiah and his mom - all 3 days actually I think they got into it - about a myriad/large assortment of things.  Nothing new under the sun here.  Saturday morning, though, I was wasted tired.  I just couldn't get moving.  I had some of the kids over and they didn't care if they went home or not anyway so I just laid in bed until - 10:00 pm?  I think, finally got up, still dragging and just finally got over there at around noon, lol.

But yes, we did get to work.  There is a huge amount of stuff to be done over there, sometimes figuring out what to do is somewhat daunting because there is SO much, what takes priority over what?  But since we had started the stairwell several weeks ago, it was time to get with it and finish the trim.  Meaning putting up a 20 foot 2X12 from the top of the stair well over to a ladder leaned up against a wall and a support in the middle - and standing on this while having people hold it to ensure my safety that the whole mess wouldn't fall over and having me falling 15 plus feet.

Unfortunately, I am going to have to put a second coat on that trim.  Oil based paint on the trim in that house, you have to put oil based back on top of it.  The first coat looked semi okay but just not anything you would call the finished version of it.  So next weekend - or whenever - going to get up there and do that all over again and get that misery over with.  Today was my third straight day in a row over there and tomorrow no different.  Kids are gone and we are going to spend quality time alone together.

Anyway, I'm blasted tired and need to git to bed.

G'nite.

ben

Time.
Very little of it that I consider "free" at this point.  Days are consumed in their entirety.
Concerning work, I have completely cleaned out the F550.  It's a ford pickup on the front but on the back it's a 17 foot long flatbed with duallies. The interior of the cab of that truck was disgusting.  The first time I got into it - well it was revolting, it was that bad.  Filth, grime, dirt, spilled whatever and trash all over the entire interior of the that truck.  I get switched around from truck to truck every where. One week the F550, the next week the straight truck (heavy duty 10 wheeler) and the next week the semi.  I cleaned out the 10 wheeler but I didn't do anything on the F550.

The reason is that I was afraid that I would clean the thing out and then?  Other drivers would just trash it out again.  But, this week, I couldn't stand it any long and scrubbed the entire interior of the thing and it is a pleasure now to drive in it!  I know that next week, the driver that is an absolute pig will be in it and then after that - well whoever, whatever.  When I finally get back in that truck again and if it's trashed out, I am going straight to the manager, who handed out a paper today with directives on it which included "keep the cabs of the vehicles clean".

Yes, it is an issue with me, a big one.  When you are driving in a filthy vehicle all day long, you take no pleasure in it.  You get into the thing and it just feels gross.  Especially a vehicle in that bad of condition.  I went through rolllllllllls of papers towels cleaning it out.  I was doing it at stops when I had a minute here and there.

Anyway.  I didn't get back from yesterday's final run until 6:20 pm.  I mean, I knew that run was going to keep me out late but it turned out even later than I expected because of issues with traffic (I-20 in Louisiana there was a 5 mile back up going from 0 to 5 mile speeds the entire way - when I finally got to the source of the problem, it was a bridge that was having new concrete poured and workers were all the way into the lane we were driving in, mean everyone was slowing WAY down), an issue finding a contractor's - house I found out at the end.  This and that.

It's odd but at the same time enjoyable really to be driving out on those country roads out in the middle of nowhere with thick, dense forests EVERYWHERE.  That is no joke. I walked into it the other day to - go pee lol no bathrooms around and had been holding it in too long - the denseness of it was astounding.  The humidity is a different story.  But I am dealing with it, just have to start sweating to feel cool again.

Issues on the home front as on tenant is giving - hell - to my caretakers and both they and I have had enough. I am going to text him and ask him to leave.  If he refuses, I will send a 30 day notice of eviction and hope he leaves without me having to take him to court, cause if I have to do that?  Uhhhh, yeah. Fly back to Phoenix to deal with a tenant issue.  Gag.

That's it, it's late, gotta git to bed.

ben

Neglect of my journal.

Relatively easy thing to do with the kind of schedule I am maintaining at this point.  

Foregone conclusion that if I want any semblance of a life back, I am going to have to find a job that doesn't consume the entire day and have me arriving back at 6 pm. 

Likely difficult to do, though, finding a new job closer to home with better hours.  Getting off at 3 or 4 would be a big improvement.  Just anything that would give me a couple of extra more hours a day would be greatly helpful and I know I will never be able to get that at the place I am working now. Number 1 because they want you to stay until 5, number 2 because I can't afford not to stay until 5 with they pay they are giving me.  

I put in a large number of hours this week, even more than the 50 I am now working.  Great for paychecks, crappy for any kind of personal life. 

This weekend:

Friday night, went on date with fiancee. 

Spent the time basically focusing on each other, no kids around.  Stayed out late, by my standards anyway, didn't get her back to her place until around 11 pm.

Saturday. Well I get up, go over there and we are planning to figure out what to buy to be able to get up high enough to finish the trim in the stairwell.  We are talking about some intimate things outside - Val and I that is - when we hear a bunch of screaming.  Upon further observation, the riding lawnmower that Jacob was operating shot a piece of wood through the front door window.  Trashed door anyway, needed to be replaced long ago.  That was added to the list.  We go out with everyone in the 15 passenger van, do all kinds of running around and get back.  

I start on the door project, some kids in tow - not by request some of these kids just follow me around like a magnet to steel.  Josiah returns home in the pickup with his motorcycle - his dad fixed it for him.  So I'm standing there at the front door doing the work to install a new door. He get the dirt bike off the truck, gets on it and goes to fire it up. Whoa, pardner!  You ain't goin' NOWHERE on that thing without a helmet!!  He gives me this look, I don't care, you are NOT riding that thing without a helmet on, period, end of story.  It isn't "gay" to wear a helmet, especially dirt bikes.  

So he gets off, goes looking for it, comes storming back. All the kids had congregated around it by now and he starts barking orders to for everyone to find his helmet, yelling at the kids for why they lost it? In reality, HE probably lost the damned thing but that is his attitude.  So he had just refused Jacob to EVER ride it and I'm looking at Jacob, you are going to help him find his helmet after he just told you that?  No way! I ain't helping you find s***, find your own freaking helmet!  Nathanael (I call him Nathan, he wants me to call him Nate) says the same thing.  Josiah: Well YOU lost it dumbass, now you find it!  No!  I didn't take your helmet! I didn't touch it, I don't know where it's at!

Josiah says FIND IT NOW! and goes storming off to look somewhere else.  Val is upstairs sleeping, I didn't feel the need to say anything at that point, just see how this is going to play out. Well I should have paid more attention, cause' I had no idea what was going to happen next and if I did I would have physically inserted myself in the middle of it.  I was busy installing that door and I needed to get it done, you can't just have an open space for a front door!

Josiah comes back - he's 75 feet off maybe and yells at Nathanael: why aren't you looking for my helmet?!!!!  I didn't touch your helmet and I am not going to help you!  Josiah is 16 years old, Nathan is 13 and the size difference between the 2 boys is substantial. Again, I'm listening to this, not looking.  I could see everything if I wanted to, it was right in front of me but I tend to get tunnel vision on a project,especially if there is a timeline that it needs to be done by.  The next thing I hear is running and I look up in time to see Josiah running full tilt Nathan, kicks the bike, violently shoves the bike over on it's side, Nathan lands on his elbow on concrete curbing and asphalt at the head and starts screaming in pain.

I got - pissed, putting it mildly - instantly.  But I said nothing to him, just gave him a glare and went up and got Val up.

Josiah was coming off a 2 week ban from seeing his girlfriend.  Meaning today/Sunday, he was to go see her at her parent's house.  He realized his stupidity from a selfish standpoint - not of gee, look what I just did to my little brother, I'm so sorry - and apologized a very lame apology the did not fly with me, but I have no say in this matter at this point.

Whatever.  I just say whatever when there is no real answers.  You can discipline a kid but this is a kid that has been brought up - WRONG - just sees things through such tainted eyes.

Anyway, that scene flying through my head tainted my view of Josiah.  It was a violent act enacted out of pure rage and I don't accept it as anything normal.

After that, finish the door, hang out and then came back to my place with 3 of them - Josiah NOT included - and hung out here.  Sunday, off to church, Josiah in a pissy mood because he was not going to be allowed to go over there until 2 pm.  His pissiness worsening by the minute, I have little respect for him at this point.  He's just a selfish, self-centered, stuck-up, arrogant kid that needs the real dose of reality that life gives and I know that isn't going to happen until he's out on his own and reality kicks him square in the face.

Ummm, no, after that we all went in the big van and took him over there and then off to Petco to get some fish. We took dead fish back - they have a 90 day guarantee - with receipt - got new fish and also dropped off the girl that was staying there last night.

Anyway, weekend over. There was more but that was the drama stuff, always drama over there of some sort.

G'nite.

ben

Up to a town called Vivian today.
Got to the address to deliver and the guy tells me to follow him, we are taking the material to a jobsite.  Okay....
Paved road, another paved road and then a "primitive"paved road with no speed limits or signs of any kind.  Down that for 10 miles and then a turn into a very narrow road with tall pines down both sides.
Through a gate, up this road and it gets wider.  A few miles of this and the next thing I know? I am in trucking hell.

The old road ends the new road starts and whoever built the thing, obviously did not intend tractor trailer rigs to be driving down it as I am just barely making the turns without hitting trees but definitely taking out brush. It gets worse and worse and worse until finally we get to this sharp turn.  They had cleared out an area to be able to swing wide. Well I didn't swing wide enough - I didn't want to drive the truck over all those bushes and junk and ended up with the trailer sliding up against a pine tree, which is where I stopped, backed up and this man comes running up.

Swing it wider!  Yeah right dude.  I'll guide you!  Okay.  I do NOT like driving trucks through junk like that and I could only imagine what might await me down the road.  Was this going to get WORSE?  I swung as wide as I could without hitting trees and when I say that, I mean watching the truck mirror miss tree trunks by inches to make this turn and even then, the trailer wheels were probably an inch from that truck I had gotten stuck at the first time.

Half a mile down the road and that was that.  An abrupt turn into a very narrow portion with trees butting up directly against the roadway, NO way that truck was making that left hand turn.  Guy jumps out again. Can't make it? No!!!  I am not even going to try!  I can turn right and do pull-ups until the trailer is aligned with the road and back it down there, how far is it? Well it's not too terribly far....was the reply. In a pig's eye.  It took ten minutes worth of pull ups to get the truck positioned because there was not much room going right, either.  The road going backward?  Over a narrow bridge, and then the "road" twists and turns - around trees!  This guy is like well they are going to be bringing in 53 foot spans in here!

GOOD LUCK!!!  NO WAY is a 53 foot trailer going to make it in here, I BARELY made in a 48 footer!  Okay, it's possible.  You slide the trailer tandems forward giving you a sharper turning radius.  But then you have a wide swing in the back and probably be smacking the trailer up against trees anyway.  I just looked at the guy and said: MOST drivers will NOT want to drive their trucks in here!

What was at the end of this newly built road replete with new bridge? A house being built. And not just any house.  A 20,000 square foot house in the middle of the forest out in the middle of nowhere! I dunno who is building that house, ie: who is paying for it, but they are obviously loaded.  I don't care WHERE you built a 20,000 square foot house, it's going to cost you a fortune!  And then having to built a road AND a bridge to get to it!  Not to mention bringing in electricity and presumably a well for water.  It wouldn't surprise me if a heli-pad was built in there as well.  Someone that rich would have the wherewithal to also have a helicopter to fly them around wherever.

I can only guess why a person that rich would want to build a house that large in such isolation: A famous person perhaps?  Wanting a place of seclusion?  You definitely would NOT just happen on a place like that! Maybe a hunter.

That was my excitement - for the week probably.  I got back to the yard and saw the 10 wheeler sitting there with a jug of DEF (Diesel Exhaust Fluid) next to it. Why don't you just take the thing to the truckstop to fill it up?  Oh it ain't gettin' filled up, Ben. Huh?  We're draining the DEF out of the tank on the truck.  Well why would you want to do that?  No clue.  Ummm, cause' Terrance backed over the strapping machine and tore a hole in the DEF tank, that's why!

What?  This guy has sat there and talked trash about everyone else and just the other day saying how another driver was always tearing up things.  So Terrance comes up and starts talking about whatever and I'm like, you tell me about Eugene and how HE tears things up and now in just a weeks' time you tear down a chain link fence and now run over the machine AND tear out the DEF tank?  There's at least a thousand dollars worth of damage there just to that tank.  The banding machine around $300 and around a grand's worth of damage to the chain link fence.

I'm guessing that guy's days being employed there are numbered. Too much complaining, too much idle time, sits around on the forklift talking to whoever on the phone, complains about everyone else, takes to long to make deliveries and doesn't much care about anything including safety and how he secures his loads onto the trucks.

Well whatever.  It's my bedtime and I'm outta here!

ben

Pretty strange stuff.
Just got done meeting with m'lady's 19 year old daughter.
The daughter was over at her house babysitting one day last week and I showed up to take almost all of them to the pet store to get some more fish for their fish tank. Apparently she didn't know I was coming and came out of the house talking in loud tones and apparently asking me what was going on here? .....she was talking to me while staring at the ground which is why I say apparently ......... her tones were haughty with a tinge of arrogance so I did not reply to her, instead the kids all gave her a hard time because they had already told her I was coming.

Later on that evening I wrote her an FB message: What is the problem here? .....etc etc etc.  Just wanting to know why she takes such a stance with me.  I don't know her, she doesn't know me, we have hardly ever talked, she doesn't live at home, I have never said anything unkind to her, what's the deal? She wrote back that she didn't like the way I was talking to her and this and that and that the conversation was over.  I said fine and that was that.

I was not going to contact her again and I didn't. Instead, the next day she said she felt we should talk in person and that we should meet in person to discuss. ??? Okay, I'm game.  So met we did, not an hour ago at a Starbucks.

Chilling. Hurt, anger and possibly hate in there.  I just sat down at the table and said well I spoke my peace the other day.  She replied well why did yo want to meet? Umm, sorry, I didn't ask for this meeting, you did.  Well I don't understand why you want to be buddy buddy with me?  I don't accept this situation with mom, I just don';t accept it (referring to our relationship). I never said I want to be buddy buddy with you.  Every time you come over to her house you completely ignore me, treat me as if I don't exist.  I have no idea why.  What is the issue here?  Well I don't want to be buddy buddy with you, she replies again.  When have acted in such a manner?

She just couldn't say anything nice.  She is full of anger  She is bitter towards her parents. It is obvious that I represent something to her that is totally unwelcome.  That's fine, she doesn't have to accept me she doesn't even have to talk to me, I just wanted to know if I had done something to offend her, because, as I said to her, I have said hi to her every time she comes over there and she completely, totally ignores me.

She sat there at that table tearing apart a piece of paper, twirling up the pieces and dropping them on the table.  The only times she looked at me was to tell me she basically wants nothing to do with me.  That's fine, she could have told me that on that FB message instead of meeting in person to tell me off.  Though she said she didn't basically want anything to do with me, at the same time she wasn't getting up and leaving.  I talked a little more trying to ascertain as to whether there was anything else she wanted to talk about - I sensed there was but if so, she wasn't letting it out.  I continued to try to talk but she wasn't responding at all.  It was so uncomfortable.  I finally just said well, if there isn't anything else to discuss, I am going to leave.  She said fine and that was that.

As I said, the coldness in her eyes was chilling. Seriously. Oh well. I just could have done without that meeting in person. I had thought that if she wanted to meet, perhaps she wanted to have something good come out of this, otherwise, what is the point of meeting?  So yes, I was taken aback to find out she had nothing nice to say to me and further that she wants nothing to do with me. Do you meet to what amounts to a total stranger to have them tell you that?

Long day at work. I was very tired this morning, didn't sleep well last night and I paid for it.  After my only stop was done, I got back to the yard and was informed there was a run to Springhill. "It's not that much".  I'm looking at several tickets worth of product and thinking, this is a LOT of material, it's going to take a while to pull all of this.  It was freaking HOT out there today!  I mean, it was bad.  I spent the entire afternoon out in the heat pulling that order, it became obvious that driving 90 miles one way and getting back at any decent hour was not going to happen.

I'm totally exhausted.

G'nite.

ben

My son is almost done with his year stint at RevHi. He is coming back from the Philippines to Hawaii, then off to Cali and then back to Phoenix.  At that point, I have spoken with him about coming out here for a visit to which he heartily agreed.  I'm looking forward to seeing him, talking about our Lord with him, hearing about his adventures and his plans.  And just spending time with him before he moves on to whatever it is that the Lord has for him to do at this point.

As for me, seeking the Lord about what is going on over here is really top priority.  I have to know what I am doing here - as in, what is His plan for all of this?

Regardless, another work week has yet arrived and I am finding the work hours to be unacceptable.  Consuming 12 hours of every day from the time I leave until the time I get back this way and leaving much of nothing left over to do much of anything is not a life, it's just a rut/groove that you get into and easy to get sucked up into to the point that you find it hard to break your way out of it.

But, I intend on praying over all of this, not running out and trying to find another place of employment. If God wants me working somewhere else or doing something completely different in order to pay the bills and be able to bless others, then I place my hope and faith in Him to make that happen. Not that I don't have to do anything about it, but certainly I have to spend the time it takes to seek Him and hand this all over to Him, where it belongs.

Well, as usual for a workday morning, I am out of time.

G'day.

ben

My buddy Roger calls last night - late - and leaves a message.
No I didn't hear the phone cause' I shut the ringer off at night.
If there is an emergency, oh well, once I am awakened at night it's
very difficult to get back to sleep.
Anyway, he's showing up today, apparently.
He wants me to sponsor his wife in the Philippines to come
over and live here.  He can't do it because he's been living over there the
last decade and doesn't have w-2's to prove he can financially sustain
her being here.

It's just so tweaked.  They are letting illegals stay and not deporting them
yet they won't allow a lady to come in who has done ALL of the paperwork
required - which isn't a small amount mind you - and attempting to do it
the right way through the government.

I'm going to try to help him.  That's his wife, for crying out loud, not some
stranger he just met.  He moved back here with the intention of doing all
of that paperwork and then getting her here.  The only thing holding it up
now is the government's insistence that he have a sponsor.

Whatever.

Thursday. Just cruising along here.  Sort of getting used to the new job and
all the driving.  Not just driving there and back every day, which is enough
in itself, but also the amount of driving I am doing while on the job. Pretty
much all day long, racking up thousands of miles per week now.  Just totally
different type of situation going on here even though it's the same company
selling the same product.  Heck, at 5:00pm yesterday afternoon, a contractor
called needing someone to bring out materials for a waterline break.  Someone
else volunteered to do it thankfully. Yes I could use the extra OT, but I need
a life somewhere along the way here as well!

No time for more.

G'day.

ben

I am completely pissed off right now.  But it's a personal matter so I won't go into it on this particular journal, do that on the other one.

Write in this one to try to get my mind off of a very negative situation.  These drives to work every day - it's well over a 100 miles round trip - are eating me up in fuel expenses.  I am seriously considering getting a motorcycle.  I know, they are dangerous, you can get killed on them, etc etc etc.

When I used to ride street bikes, yes, I got into accidents.  3 of them.  One of them the driver did intentionally - for what reason I have never been able to figure out.  I was riding at 2 am and there wasn't another car on the road, this car comes up behind me, passes and then cuts directly in front of me and then slams on their brakes.  I had to lay the bike down to keep from hitting this car.  Long story not worth going into right now. 2 other accidents, neither my fault.  The last one a pickup pulled right out in front of me and I slammed into the side of the truck.

That's been 30 plus years ago.  I've ridden dirt bikes since then, but not street bikes.  Still.  The idea of getting double and a half or more fuel mileage is a very tempting thing.

But I am not sold on the place I am working at.  The hours are too long and I have no time for much of anything after the day is over.  I'm slowly getting used to the hours, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  It eats up anything for having personal time to do whatever with my life.  Earning a living is a good thing, having to spend your entire life to do it is NOT.  I have weekends off at least but still.

Screw this.  I am too pissed right now to do much of anything.

Gotta cool off.

The weekend is over, it's 15 minutes til' my bedtime.
Today was a wash.  Good morning, pretty intense afternoon.
Good this morning because everyone went to church, we worshiped the Lord and then after church?
Josiah offered to buy dinner at a sit-down restaurant for everyone. That's a pretty steep bill to pay for
9 people, even if most of them are kids.

The problem.  Josiah took off in the pickup at dad's house with his girlfriend yesterday, immediately
after he had called mom and told her he was going to the store, to which mom replied fine, but she
absolutely is not going with you.  M'lady has no control over him at dad's house, but she does have control over use of the pickup since....it's her pickup.

The information came that he had taken her with him to the store.  Further that he basically told everyone there "screw them, I don't care what they say, you are coming with me!" in reference to his GF going with him and basically telling m'lady and I to go blow.  There is even more, but not going to go into details.

Well, m'lady had already made her decision about what he was going to do about this and we're sitting in the church parking lot discussing whether we should take up his offer to go out to eat?  I mean, you are about to tell him something he is definitely going to blow up about?  But in the end, we ended up going to a Mexican food restaurant, a thing I have been missing since I came out here, not that many around and the few I have been to have been pretty nasty.  We all had a great time.  It just kinda made me a bit apprehensive and a little sad that I knew what was coming to both of them in not too much more time, but enjoy the moments you get when you get them.

And so it was.  We got home with the both of them, she called them outside and I called the rest inside. They got in the back of the pickup truck and sat there.  I checked a few times, the last time I looked they were both crying.  The worst was yet to come when she told them that she was taking her home and they would have to tell her parents what happened. Then the girl started choking and sobbing.

They left and were gone a long time. I watched a movie with the kids - Happy Gilmore - absolutely hilarious movie with Adam Sandler, we sat there and laughed and laughed.  I watch that movie once in a while and just laugh every time I see it.  The Bob Barker fight I find especially hilarious, lol.  I had a 9 year old girl snuggled up to me on one side and a 13 year old boy on the other.

I have unintentionally stolen the hearts of the two little girls from their father.  He doesn't touch them, he doesn't tell them how special and beautiful they are, he doesn't give them kisses and he shoes them away from him.  They come give me big hugs all the time. The 9 year old sat right next to me, grabbed me hand and held it for a long time while watching that movie.  I really feel bad for all of those kids with a dad that simply will not show them love in any way, shape or form.  When they go to his house for over-nighters, they are sat down in front of a TV and watch movies the entire time.

The 13 year old hates going over there.  He is very active and sitting around for countless hours is not his forte.  He can watch a movie or show, but to sit there doing that all day and night long? Absolutely not.  Anyway, when they did finally return - m'lady and Josiah, Josiah came in and asked me if I would go work out with him. Yes, of course I will.  Mom was especially giving on that one, yes, go work out with him and maybe try to get him to cool down and sort through his emotions.

So we did.  Gone for about 2 hours.  Just heard him out and tried not to be too preachy. He was demanding to know who ratted him out - I simply refused to tell him. I told him flatly that I would never tell him and that he had committed his acts in front of all of the rest of his siblings so what did he expect?  But we had a good workout none-the-less, spent some good time with him trying to just get him to cool his heels a little.  I am no longer the decision maker so I am reverting back to the role I had with him before: a mentor and someone who will listen.

But it quickly went to hell when we got back and she had written out in black magic marker a message to him which she held up in front of everyone - it was written in huge letters.  It basically said on August 3rd he can see his girl starting at 2 pm, providing he works both this week and next and providing his attitude doesn't get crappy.  Josiah blew up.  He got his shoes on and took off.  No-one tried to stop him, no point in it.  Let him run and blow off steam.

After that, talked with m'lady for a long time alone.  :Had to air all of this out and she wanted to know what happened when we got to the gym.  Just basically letting him vent and hearing him out.  I don't have to agree with a person's views to hear them out and have a heart.

It's never ending over there, especially on weekends.  Anyway, I got the pellet rifle out for the 13 year old who was begging to shoot it.  He follows me around everywhere.  I'm serious.  When I am talking with m'lady I have to tell him to please go do something else, we want to have a private conversation.  I don't care what I am doing or where I am at on the property or in the house - he is there. I brought that up to m'lady today, that boy has become very attached to me.  Yes, she replied, he has never had any kind of male role model figure in his life.  I know and I don't mind filling the position, but he is very attached.  He sees his dad frequently enough and yet it is like his dad doesn't exist.  He hates going over there.

Well back to talking to m'lady again and doing laundry - having an entourage following me in there as well and in saying that I don't mean that I am some fantastic, special superhero, just they have a dad that won't get involved in their lives.  The sun going down, Josiah hadn't returned.

I texted him.  Well dude are you coming back or what's going on? I'm lost!  I'm in woods and I can't find a road anywhere!  Ummm, okay.......how far away are you from us?  Can I shoot off a few rounds and get you a directional back here?  Or hit the arrow on your phone map, it will show you where you're at and what's around you!  Finally I get a text back: I am on such and such road.  Okay, do you want me to come get you?  If you want to.....  Well, I feel for the kid. He might have brought all of this onto himself but he was a couple of miles away and had run out of water and the sun was going down. Not like there are street lights out in the country....

Got him back home then we started cleaning.  The 13 year old started getting an attitude. No idea.  He usually just does whatever he's told, he may not like it but getting this bad was unusual.  Okay, it was not unusual a while back but his tude' improved greatly - I don't want to pat myself on the back but I know I have had a large part to do with that - so just sat there and watched it for a while before finally asked him to get rid of the tude' and just get this done.  Wasn't like he was the only one doing anything.  I ended up back in the laundry room - which is the size of most people's master bedrooms, lol, and then the truth came out.

He was upset that I was leaving.  I mean, how do you handle hearing that? I know he has become attached to me but not to that degree.  Well, I replied, well I'm sorry. I have to get up early in the morning for work.  I don't want to leave but life has it's way of interfering with things.  But it's so boring around here when you aren't here! He's just pouring it on and I'm just like....wow, okay.   On hearing m'lady's talking about it earlier, I asked him if he would like to go out sometime and do something together? Well, yeah!

I just let it go at that, until he asked. Well what are we going to do?  What do you want to do?  I dunno.  Let's go see a movie then?!

I didn't want to leave him all down in the dumps and being unhappy about everything, so at least that brought him back up a little.

That's been my day and then some.  I can't write everything out, it would take up ten times this amount of writing I did here and that's already a lot!

.......and work in the morning. Mondays lately have been really s*****.  I would like this one to not be quite so bad, or not bad at all!  Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssssseeeeee pray for me about that! Thank you!

Nite.

ben

The money is gone,the countdown begins.
Tired of working, having an income and - being broke.
Isn't really always like this, I spent a lot of money over the last
10 months in flying out here, meeting her and then moving out here.
Plus I have another living expense: paying for this little abode I am
living in right now.

Which is why I had them rent out my extra bedroom that used to
be Caleb's room, to pay for this place.

Regardless, it's Friday and final work day of the week.  I am
very happy about that.  I have no plans for tonight besides going
over to her house and doing much of nothing.  I am worn out.
It rained all day yesterday and my feet were wet to top that and
I hate having wet feet/socks/soggy shoes.

Oh, the countdown is having had paid off 401k loan and a 30 day
waiting period before you can take out another one.

Well, off to the races!

G'day.

ben

I don't really much care for working out at gyms, as the amount of egos running around those places is more than I am willing to have to deal with - but deal with it I am anyway. I gotta get myself back into shape and the only way I know how to do that is to start pumping weights, get muscle mass built back up and get to burning fat.  I admittedly have let myself go for months now and before I started working out the last time for a couple of years, so I have some making up to do.

I've also allowed myself to get back into some pretty bad eating habits, gonna have to revert back to salads and low fat this and that kind of thing.

Weekend coming up quick.  Kids gone Friday night and returning Saturday night.  Meaning Saturday work day trashed, at least as far as getting help from them is concerned and I have a list of things to get done.  Next Saturday the same situation.  So 2 in a row.  Can't do anything about it but it just puts off what has to be done even longer for the sake of - well I'll save that for my other journal.

Well it's Thursday.  Long days at work.  Relentless driving.  Just go go go type of scenario.  Even the manager was commenting on the miles yesterday and also several times before that.  I would be a  bit more motivated if they would bring my hourly wage back up even anything close to what it was before.  As it stands they are getting a bargain for what they pay versus the amount of work they are getting back.

That's it, all I have time for.

G'day.

ben

Well pretty much writing out the heart of matters on other journal, this one might get a little sketchy on details at this point.  Good luck finding that other journal! lol

Never-the-less, did start working out again, finally, this week at a local gym that costs all of $10.91 per month for unlimited use.  No, it's not a junky gym, either.  Nice equipment, clean, they don't allow people yelling and all that stupid stuff, so yeah.

Got into it with another employee at work today.  I'm tired of his BS. He has a BIGGGGG mouth.  He comes out and tells me off about how I should load the truck the way he wants it loaded. No, I flatly replied right to his face: The way you want to load it is ILLEGAL! Freaking pipe would be sticking off the sides of the truck by 8 inches anyway.  He started in on me and I gave it right back to him, I took his s*** for a while but no longer.  First off he has no clue what he is talking about and secondly/more importantly, he is an arrogant ****-****** and I have had enough of it.  I told him Federal rules prevent you from allowing loads to hang off the side of a truck that far.

"Well I don't give a f****** s*** about the Federal Government, this is Louisiana and we do it however the hell we like it here!", basically telling me I am going to do it his way to which I just ignored him. Loaded the pipe legally, informed an office worker as to why I was fuming and he didn't disagree with me and took on off out of there.  This guy also told me he wasn't going to get any new straps because "the concrete ruins them".  Well now, they aren't going to replace damaged straps because they get used and eventually have to be replaced? Bul*****.

Yes, the guy pissed me off, crossed the line and that's usually when I just stand up to people even if it's going to "hurt" me - ie: trouble at work, and let them know exactly  how I feel about them and their ridiculous and outrageous statements and ideas that are not any part of any reality.  It's the same everywhere you go - people that don't know about trucking and all of it's regulations don't care about whether a truck legally loaded or if the equipment is in proper working condition because they aren't the ones that are facing getting pulled over and having a State Trooper tell you off and then start writing out tickets!

I still cannot believe they were driving that semi around without any working brakes on that semi trailer!

Oh well, my time is up, off to work.  Woohoooo!

G'day.

ben

Attention turning to finances.
They suck right now.
Gag.
What to do to fix them.
I dunno.
Rented out the extra room at the house to pay for this place I am living at.
I had - actually - thought - about living in a tent for a while with everything I need including showers and toilet at the camp site.
But it would be oppressively hot right now in the summer trying to sleep unless I could rig up a window AC unit.
There was another place for rent before I came out here that was $125 per month cheaper.
Though I like this place now that I'm here, the owner is putting the entire property up for sale so it's basically only a matter of time before I have to get out of here and find somewhere new to live.

I am going to start looking for a much cheaper place to live while I have time to do it.  I mean, whenever this property is sold it still has to go through the process and that takes like a month or so.

I dunno.  Why does this have to be so difficult?

Oh well, time to be off to work.

G'day.

ben

Monday.
Beautiful day in the neighborhood.
Another grinding week of working at a place so far away it's costing me a small fortune in fuel.
Something needs to change.  Driving 50 miles each way to work isn't all that great.
I've slowed down to get better fuel mileage and though a little better, certainly nothing like
what I need it to come to.

Then I have the "Consumers" at my house. A couple that uses electricity like it's free and water as
well.  They were gone for almost 2 months and my electric bill went down by $100 per month.

Well whatever.  Just finances are so tight right now it's on the verge of "oppressive".  I'm even getting more
on my paychecks than I was before coming out here but the extra fuel costs consume that and then some.  Summers are always this way though when the electric use at the house goes way up to keep it cooled down.  I know Mark and Lynnette are diligent, though, about not letting anyone turn the temp in that house down to unreasonable levels on the central AC system.

I would like, actually, to be done with that house and get rid of it, but I wanted to wait a while to see if the market would come back up and it has to a great degree, but not yet enough to have the mortgage on that house paid off and not be left holding anything including serious sent on my credit report.  Well I take that back. Zillow has modified it's results and now it's showing at 186k!  Wow!  That's amazing.  It's come back up over 100 grand in value.  Even if Zillow is off by 5% of whatever, it's still come WAY back up.

Well, that's interesting. I owe around 157K on that property.  I dunno if it would sell for what I owe or not, though.  Some stuff would have to be replaced in that house to bring it's value back up, including a lot of carpet.  So I dunno.

Well, just musing. Not ready to sell yet I have to get caught up on mortgage and I think next month I will be able to do that and get my credit score going back up again.

Time to be off to work.

G'day.

ben

Another interesting day and a blow-up free weekend to boot. Well there were fires but nothing like what has been the last - however many - weekends in a row.

Church was great. Youth that had gone to a church camp were all called up by the pastor and they were asked to keep the fire going that they had received and pray for whosoever would.  But before that, the worship service and seeing Josiah holding his hands up to heaven and Jacob and mom praying with each other was pretty cool.

That was the entire service. Kids praying for adults, the pastor put it that way and that was the way it was.  I decided near the end of it, what the hey, I'll go up and get prayed for.  Intense, kid praying loves the Lord, I could tell that right off and he went on and on and on, lol. But it was cool excepting by the time we were done? Everyone else had left the altar - there were at least 50 people up there when I went up there - and we were the only ones left.  But I can deal with that.

After there, we were heading to GNC - she wanted to get some kind of supplements until she received a call. An older gentleman had planned with her to come and sell her some gold and silver, she apparently forgot.  So, we derailed and headed to a church parking lot some distance away, got that done and over with. Well, interjecting here that 2 older boys were making fun of the 13 year old's - private part.  I'll get back to that in a minute.  Off to Mickey D's for junk food cause' that's what they wanted - off the dollar menu yes  I insisted on that or nothing - back home.

Back to her place.  I'm sitting down to eat and she comes and tells me the 13 year old came up to her crying and saying something about me.  I went up to his room, doors locked, knocked, he wouldn't open.  She came up after I went back down, made him open the door - I didn't try I just knocked if he doesn't want ot talk he doesn't want to talk - she left and I went and talked with him a great length. He thought I was a part of that fun making which I definitely was not.  But I apologized anyway and had the older boys come up and apologize to him too.  Fortunately for him and I, when we went down stairs to eat, there was food left. His mood got considerably better.

Ate, then departed to the gym with Josiah to work out.  I got my $10.91 per month membership and yes, I am going to use it.  We worked out for an hour and a half and went back to the house to find everyone gone.  So, back out again to Sonic to get a drink and then off to the mall to meet up with m'lady and the rest of the clan.  Things went a little sour there, nothing worth going into and nothing with me, her and the kids.

If there was a "bad" part of today, it was the house and the kid's attitude towards it.  I asked them to start cleaning up stuff and there was a very slow response.  I continued to state that bedrooms need cleaned and their bathroom and the living room and kitchen at the very least. When I sat down at the Dish Network DVR and started unhooking it, that was when they got my attention.  Well, I'm taking this thing home with me.  You are going to ignore me and just sit around doing nothing, you can go without tv, thanks, have a nice evening.

It started slow but kicked into high gear and here we go.  I extended my departure time to let them get it done, because if it wasn't? Yup, I was taking that thing home with me and it would sit at my place, useless to them and me, until next weekend.  My point today?  I refused to just start cleaning up and doing it for or with them.  Yes I did some stuff because there is something in me that cannot stand that type of living, but I refrained for the most part and let them do all of it.

That's it. Weekend over.

G'nite.

ben