Neglect of my journal.

Relatively easy thing to do with the kind of schedule I am maintaining at this point.  

Foregone conclusion that if I want any semblance of a life back, I am going to have to find a job that doesn't consume the entire day and have me arriving back at 6 pm. 

Likely difficult to do, though, finding a new job closer to home with better hours.  Getting off at 3 or 4 would be a big improvement.  Just anything that would give me a couple of extra more hours a day would be greatly helpful and I know I will never be able to get that at the place I am working now. Number 1 because they want you to stay until 5, number 2 because I can't afford not to stay until 5 with they pay they are giving me.  

I put in a large number of hours this week, even more than the 50 I am now working.  Great for paychecks, crappy for any kind of personal life. 

This weekend:

Friday night, went on date with fiancee. 

Spent the time basically focusing on each other, no kids around.  Stayed out late, by my standards anyway, didn't get her back to her place until around 11 pm.

Saturday. Well I get up, go over there and we are planning to figure out what to buy to be able to get up high enough to finish the trim in the stairwell.  We are talking about some intimate things outside - Val and I that is - when we hear a bunch of screaming.  Upon further observation, the riding lawnmower that Jacob was operating shot a piece of wood through the front door window.  Trashed door anyway, needed to be replaced long ago.  That was added to the list.  We go out with everyone in the 15 passenger van, do all kinds of running around and get back.  

I start on the door project, some kids in tow - not by request some of these kids just follow me around like a magnet to steel.  Josiah returns home in the pickup with his motorcycle - his dad fixed it for him.  So I'm standing there at the front door doing the work to install a new door. He get the dirt bike off the truck, gets on it and goes to fire it up. Whoa, pardner!  You ain't goin' NOWHERE on that thing without a helmet!!  He gives me this look, I don't care, you are NOT riding that thing without a helmet on, period, end of story.  It isn't "gay" to wear a helmet, especially dirt bikes.  

So he gets off, goes looking for it, comes storming back. All the kids had congregated around it by now and he starts barking orders to for everyone to find his helmet, yelling at the kids for why they lost it? In reality, HE probably lost the damned thing but that is his attitude.  So he had just refused Jacob to EVER ride it and I'm looking at Jacob, you are going to help him find his helmet after he just told you that?  No way! I ain't helping you find s***, find your own freaking helmet!  Nathanael (I call him Nathan, he wants me to call him Nate) says the same thing.  Josiah: Well YOU lost it dumbass, now you find it!  No!  I didn't take your helmet! I didn't touch it, I don't know where it's at!

Josiah says FIND IT NOW! and goes storming off to look somewhere else.  Val is upstairs sleeping, I didn't feel the need to say anything at that point, just see how this is going to play out. Well I should have paid more attention, cause' I had no idea what was going to happen next and if I did I would have physically inserted myself in the middle of it.  I was busy installing that door and I needed to get it done, you can't just have an open space for a front door!

Josiah comes back - he's 75 feet off maybe and yells at Nathanael: why aren't you looking for my helmet?!!!!  I didn't touch your helmet and I am not going to help you!  Josiah is 16 years old, Nathan is 13 and the size difference between the 2 boys is substantial. Again, I'm listening to this, not looking.  I could see everything if I wanted to, it was right in front of me but I tend to get tunnel vision on a project,especially if there is a timeline that it needs to be done by.  The next thing I hear is running and I look up in time to see Josiah running full tilt Nathan, kicks the bike, violently shoves the bike over on it's side, Nathan lands on his elbow on concrete curbing and asphalt at the head and starts screaming in pain.

I got - pissed, putting it mildly - instantly.  But I said nothing to him, just gave him a glare and went up and got Val up.

Josiah was coming off a 2 week ban from seeing his girlfriend.  Meaning today/Sunday, he was to go see her at her parent's house.  He realized his stupidity from a selfish standpoint - not of gee, look what I just did to my little brother, I'm so sorry - and apologized a very lame apology the did not fly with me, but I have no say in this matter at this point.

Whatever.  I just say whatever when there is no real answers.  You can discipline a kid but this is a kid that has been brought up - WRONG - just sees things through such tainted eyes.

Anyway, that scene flying through my head tainted my view of Josiah.  It was a violent act enacted out of pure rage and I don't accept it as anything normal.

After that, finish the door, hang out and then came back to my place with 3 of them - Josiah NOT included - and hung out here.  Sunday, off to church, Josiah in a pissy mood because he was not going to be allowed to go over there until 2 pm.  His pissiness worsening by the minute, I have little respect for him at this point.  He's just a selfish, self-centered, stuck-up, arrogant kid that needs the real dose of reality that life gives and I know that isn't going to happen until he's out on his own and reality kicks him square in the face.

Ummm, no, after that we all went in the big van and took him over there and then off to Petco to get some fish. We took dead fish back - they have a 90 day guarantee - with receipt - got new fish and also dropped off the girl that was staying there last night.

Anyway, weekend over. There was more but that was the drama stuff, always drama over there of some sort.

G'nite.

ben