Kinda trying to write out much of everything for this visit so I can keep things in clarity for future reference.  So I went to her house and the 3 youngins were there.  Not going anywhere this time as this is what she had planned.  We talked for a while but then I went upstairs and installed - at no small amount of exertion - a new P-trap on one of her bathroom sinks.  It's 40 year old house, the plumbing isn't exactly caught up with current day technology and the fittings didn't fit.  I had to modify it to make it work, but work it did.

She left to - do whatever it was that she was doing with the kids, I can't even remember now while I headed down to the pond some 1,000 feet away (at least) and start piddling around with building a small dam.  But - no way I could do it right in just one day.  To do it right would mean a lot of work - a LOT of work - that I simply didn't have the time for.  It took me a couple of hours to get the base of the dam built and even then I still couldn't get the water to stop flowing from underneath it - or wherever it was escaping, but still hopeful that over time twigs and junk will get caught up in there and eventually the flow will be stopped by itself.

Well, the dog was down there.  I don't remember the breed but it's still in puppy stage and has leaps and bounds of endless energy, including snagging my company cell phone off the log I had put my stuff on and attempting to bury it unbeknownst to me.  When I eventually went over there to get that stuff and realized it was missing - I had to search everywhere for it. I found it - mud-caked but not soaking wet and although it looks much worse than before that dog got a hold of it, it still works.

After I went back up, visited with her for a little while and then got what I went up there for,  I ended up finding out how the "Gator" turns on - it's a 4 wheel contraption with ATV types of tires on it but i t has a dump truck type of bed on the back of it, it's made for hauling things around.  I didn't realize how incredibly out of shape I am until I came here and started walking all over the property.  I went back down for more of the dam - it wasn't something I had to do, it was something I wanted to try to do - and eventually heard the dog barking at something.

I looked up and it was Nathanael, the 12 year old boy who was "told" to come down and help me by his mother.  It became obvious very quickly that he wasn't forced to do anything, he wanted to be there so I got into a conversation with him about all kinds of things. Eventually, he decided it was time for us to quit and go see the other lakes on the next property over.  This went on for quite a while.

Back to the dam, nothing changed, kinda was hoping it would take with everything that I had shoveled in there, but I was tired and it is something that will have to wait for another day.  Up to the house. This trip has been very draining on me.  Intense emotion and dealing with an entirely different type of lifestyle, going on all day long, every day.  A much different scenario than what I am used to at home.  Kids asking repeatedly if I am going to come back and when.  I truly wish I had a bit more income than what I have now, I could afford to make trips back and forth at least once a month until we decide if this thing is going anywhere.  She goes back and forth in her mind.  She has lived in a hellish relationship for 20 years and it toys with her mind.

I need not go into all of that right now, 20 years worth is a lot of writing and yes, I have heard about a lot of it.  She wanted to tell me for me to know where she is coming from.  Equally, I shared with her a 16 year marriage that had it's own hellish traits all over it. But she goes from highs to lows - believing and then doubting that a relationship between us could work.  You can only try to reassure a person so much, she is going to eventually have to come to grips with this either way.  I couldn't tell the kids or her when I will come back because it's an issue of finances.  At almost $300 round trip plus hotel plus expenses, not cheap, at least for me.  I can't stay at her house because the court put that into the decree: no visitors of that type after 9:00 pm unless we get married.

She offered to find a friend's house to stay at - but I would be pretty uncomfortable staying at a complete stranger's house and I wouldn't have the freedom that I do at a hotel in having my privacy.  The point, though, was to eliminate hotel expenses.  I am trying to figure out what I could do to accomplish that goal without staying at a person's house that I don't know.  I just can't answer that question because there aren't many options.  She does have her business  where I could stay in a side room.  I had considered that before but just didn't go with it.  I wanted to stay in a normal room with a comfortable bed.  There is no bed in that room at her store, I would have to bring an air mattress to sleep on.

I'm not against doing that and it may well be the only viable alternative if push comes to shove.  I dunno, I have a lot of thinking and praying to do.  There are tangents to this situation that I simply cannot go into on the world wide web.  Actually these are things that I simply can't go into with anyone, just the way it is.  Not concerning me.

Anyway, we spent a couple of hours in a room thing at the top of her house that has windows all the way around it and overlooks the property.  We opted to go up there instead of outside.  It is starting to get cold - by my standards and apparently hers as well - outside at night and I am not into that while trying to have "adult" conversation with another person.

I'm exhausted.  When I get home tomorrow, I'm going to go straight to bed and sleep.  I don't necessarily do well in hotels and sleeping well enough to feel rested the next morning.

I have a lot to think, pray and ponder over, that's what I will occupy my time in the next weeks doing and also trying to figure out how I can get back there frequently enough to keep it alive and not just electronic talking and texting.

G'nite.

ben