I talk to her friend occasionally, we just talk about everything that is going on. She told me last week that I am not cutting it for m'lady and that I either need to step it up or there may be the possibility of not having a "good marriage". I've had ample time to think about those words and wondered what, exactly, m'lady has been telling her because in reality? I have done nothing BUT give my time, mind and heart to her.
I suppose the thought has crossed my mind that a person that has as many issues as she does - rebellious kids, torn up house, menopause, financial issues, etc weighing on her and getting angry at kids and ex and all of that? Probably would eventually find a reason to turn on me as well at some point. I have taken the brunt of a lot of emotional "stuff" from her in trying to help her walk through all of this but the problem here is that I am gettting nothing back to replenish it. I am becoming spiritually and emotionally drained. This cannot continue like this for my own well-being, which I find I MUST take into consideration. I've been down the road of neglecting your own needs to help meet the needs of others, it is definitely not good for a person.
You eventually become burnt out to the point that you want nothing to do with whatever - or whoever - it is that got you to that point. You withdraw and find yourself even going into depression. You don't think clearly and the only thing that starts to emerge is self-preservation. I find I must take the appropriate steps at this point to keep that from happening.
I identified last night another issue that is eating at me. She wants me to conform and change to what she wants me to be, not allow me to be who I am. I like my occasional ice-cold beers, I don't get drunk. I never lost the taste for beer after I gave my life to the Lord and I struggled with that for a long time, but I finally came to the conclusion that a few beers isn't going to send me to hell. I do allow a few cuss words to slip through my lips here and there. I like to watch movies, some of which she objects to. I cannot give my every waking moment to her - of which I pretty much have for quite a long time now. I must have some alone time, everyone needs that. I don't ascribe tothe woman wearing the pants philosophy. Lots of small things and a few bigger things that are all adding up.
I never went into this with her expecting that she was going to change into something that she isn't. SHE said she wanted to change and not at my urging, that has to come from within. I expect the same freedom. If I want to change some things in my life, it should be because I have identified something that I want to eliminate from my life or otherwise see changed to something a little better, NOT because someone is attempting to force me to do it.
Am I talking to myself? Yeah, sort of. I am writing out my feelings, helps me to assess where I am at and what I need to do next. No clear path here, but I probably need a few days away from her. I don't know what she neds, I only know that I have given of myself to the point that I am at a breaking point and I can't let that happen.
Just seems like my feelings and needs aren't even considered here. Just give, give, give.
Well whatever. Almost at work.
ben
4 comments:
Hi Ben, I've been reading for quite some time, as you know. When you started this adventure, I thought to myself - this is such an awesome, caring, and loving human being. You've moved many many miles to be with her and her family and you treat her children like they are your own. Just from reading, I can tell you have done SO SO much for her and the children in every which way possible, but you need to take care of yourself as well. Don't ever change for anyone, hold true to your voice and yourself. Take care, Ben. Terri
I appreciate that Terry, thank you. I think this can all work out - just I would like to have the elementals worked out before any wedding vows. Now that we can spend time together some of the wash is coming out. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but we didn't from the beginning so no great shock there. But the anger issues - I can't deal with that.
Obviously I (we) read this with huge interest. I am encouraged that you have your eyes open wide enough and your feet solidly enough planted on firm ground that you can step back a bit and take a good, judicious, unbiased and unemotional look at the situation you have found yourself in.
Your description of the trash surrounding the house, which took many people hours to pick up, spoke volumes to me about the mental condition of the person in charge. It is not normal nor even acceptable on any level.
I once jokingly (ok only half kidding) suggested getting together with her Ex to get his experiences - which will darn well be relevant if you proceed with a marriage. It may actually not be such a bad idea, as you might learn important elements which would help you make a very VERY difficult but important decision about your future together.
My own position is that she should kiss the ground that you walk on, because very few people in my acquaintance have the talent, energy or willingness to take on the collection of problems which she has allowed to envelop her life.
I have thought from the first that there was a reasonable chance that you would find a good fit in her life, given your own talents, attitudes and coping skills. But quite honestly, as various different facts appear here, little and then not so little alarm bells have gone off in my head over implications of some of the events.
I am glad they have gone off in your head, too. Lots of prayer, and listen to your Mother, too. Is your Dad at all clued in to what is going on? Fin
Hi Fin, sorry didn't see this comment until you gave me a head's up, and thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I actually had given thought to your idea of meeting the guy for a beer(s), perhaps that opportunity will arise. M'lady's best friend believes the man has Asperger's Syndrome, a mental illness that I have some experience with, but he has not been clinically diagnosed with that and I wouldn't really know excepting if I met him in person and see/hear some of the traits that are prevalent with such disease.
I get a bit overwhelmed at times with everything that is going on, there are more "situations" here than most people would have to deal with in a lifetime, not having to try to negotiate all at the same time and all very draining physically, mentally and emotionally.
Yes my mom always has nuggets of good advice. My dad doesn't do Facebook but I keep in touch with him via email. He is very supportive of me in this endeavor.
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