After a mind boggling week with her and hearing her out endlessly about the emotional pain and the fact that her ex never touched her, said any kind words to her, on and on and on and on - I was informed a little while ago that I was "blase" with her at the airport.  That I hadn't touched her near as much as she expected.  It was an atom bomb gone off.

I spent the week with her, the entire week.  If I wasn't at the hotel, I was with her, excepting one day where I went to the pond to work and the truth came out that it was - her time of month.  She also informed me before I left that she believes menopause is setting in.....

I can deal with much of anything, especially with a woman I have fallen in love with.  But, I will not say to a person that I am going to change, become this or that. I am who I am. If holding her hands and kissing her and extended hugs aren't enough for her, then I figure it's time to move on.

I'm glad it came out.  I don't know where it's going now, because I got off the line, this went on for well over an hour and I have to get up for work early in the morning, this kind of conversation going on every day can be quite draining.  I would rather find out now if this is right or not.  If she doesn't like me the way that I am right now, if she doesn't love me the way that I am right now as I love her the way she is - right now- it isn't going to work. 

I learned this the very hard way and I will not go through it again.  I figured it also better to get off the line and let some time elapse and have some time to think it through before going on further with this particular conversation.

Whatever the case, I am exhausted and I can only imagine what it's going to be like trying to get up in the morning.

ben

Sitting on a tarmac in Houston, waiting for the plane to be turned around so we can head out to the runway and take off.  Not really so elated that I am coming home.  I could have just stayed another week, month, year.......

Lots to ponder and more so pray about when I get home.  A second trip is definitely en-queue, shooting for New Year's.  Dunno if I can swing that so soon after this trip. I have plenty of vacation hours but money is a different subject.

Flying on a jet plane. It's so cool.  Sitting here listening to the roar of the engines and just taking it all in.  Plane is going to arrive early - which really isn't that great of a thing for me, whatever wind conditions or whatever causing it to arrive early could just back off, lol, I'll take every last minute of this flight I can get!

Room has been rented, I got a $100 non-refundable deposit from the renter.  I didn't know you could send money simply by giving the bank the email address of the intended recipient, that's pretty strange stuff to me, but the money is in my bank account and he is moving in this coming week, not sure of which day though. I am counting the room rented the day he agreed to it.  Every day I lose is money lost and there were at  least 7 more people that wanted to come take a look, so I have no problem declaring the room rented and counting each day since that point towards rent owed.

Back to reality.  The reality of love.  This is nothing like I have ever experienced before.  This isn't just words and things lovers say to each other. Her smile is infectuous.  When she rubs my arm while we are holding hands I become intoxicated, literally, with a constant stream of endorphines flowing to the point that I am in gaga land, wondering why I couldn't have had this much earlier in life.  There are times when i am so entranced that I am in a different world and don't even register anything that is going on around me.  I always wondered what was going on with people that had that look on their face.  I have never experienced anything this intense in all of my life.  God's love is a different kind of love.  Mom's love also a different kind of love. This is a totally differnet land.

I have missed being touched and touching - anyone, someone - for so long. She has all of her kids, some of which give her all kinds of affection.  I have had no-one. Just my dogs.  They have their kind of love, of course, and they are ever loyal.  One thing that always sticks out about dogs, they don't care how bad of a day you had or had miserable you are, they will always show you all the affection they have in their hearts. It's a good thing, yes, but it doesn't come anywhere close to what I am experiencing with her now.

This is a point where the lack of wealth really hits.  Limited options for frequent visits. Pretty much not possible.  I will long to be with her and I will try to invent ways to add to my income, but in the end,  perhaps the longing is as good as being with her.  Thinking of her all day long and hoping for the day to come to fly out again and spend time with her and her family. The 36 acres isn't a bad thing, either, a menagerie of horses, cows and a lot of pasture.

Well, I think I am going to stop writing now, I'm on the plane and just taking all of what happened in the last 7 days in.  Finish this one later when I get home.

Home - hours later.  And tired.  Worn out.  Wiped out.   That trip took it out of me.  It was a good trip, not saying it wasn't but wow.

Pick this up again tomorrow.

G'nite.

ben

Kinda trying to write out much of everything for this visit so I can keep things in clarity for future reference.  So I went to her house and the 3 youngins were there.  Not going anywhere this time as this is what she had planned.  We talked for a while but then I went upstairs and installed - at no small amount of exertion - a new P-trap on one of her bathroom sinks.  It's 40 year old house, the plumbing isn't exactly caught up with current day technology and the fittings didn't fit.  I had to modify it to make it work, but work it did.

She left to - do whatever it was that she was doing with the kids, I can't even remember now while I headed down to the pond some 1,000 feet away (at least) and start piddling around with building a small dam.  But - no way I could do it right in just one day.  To do it right would mean a lot of work - a LOT of work - that I simply didn't have the time for.  It took me a couple of hours to get the base of the dam built and even then I still couldn't get the water to stop flowing from underneath it - or wherever it was escaping, but still hopeful that over time twigs and junk will get caught up in there and eventually the flow will be stopped by itself.

Well, the dog was down there.  I don't remember the breed but it's still in puppy stage and has leaps and bounds of endless energy, including snagging my company cell phone off the log I had put my stuff on and attempting to bury it unbeknownst to me.  When I eventually went over there to get that stuff and realized it was missing - I had to search everywhere for it. I found it - mud-caked but not soaking wet and although it looks much worse than before that dog got a hold of it, it still works.

After I went back up, visited with her for a little while and then got what I went up there for,  I ended up finding out how the "Gator" turns on - it's a 4 wheel contraption with ATV types of tires on it but i t has a dump truck type of bed on the back of it, it's made for hauling things around.  I didn't realize how incredibly out of shape I am until I came here and started walking all over the property.  I went back down for more of the dam - it wasn't something I had to do, it was something I wanted to try to do - and eventually heard the dog barking at something.

I looked up and it was Nathanael, the 12 year old boy who was "told" to come down and help me by his mother.  It became obvious very quickly that he wasn't forced to do anything, he wanted to be there so I got into a conversation with him about all kinds of things. Eventually, he decided it was time for us to quit and go see the other lakes on the next property over.  This went on for quite a while.

Back to the dam, nothing changed, kinda was hoping it would take with everything that I had shoveled in there, but I was tired and it is something that will have to wait for another day.  Up to the house. This trip has been very draining on me.  Intense emotion and dealing with an entirely different type of lifestyle, going on all day long, every day.  A much different scenario than what I am used to at home.  Kids asking repeatedly if I am going to come back and when.  I truly wish I had a bit more income than what I have now, I could afford to make trips back and forth at least once a month until we decide if this thing is going anywhere.  She goes back and forth in her mind.  She has lived in a hellish relationship for 20 years and it toys with her mind.

I need not go into all of that right now, 20 years worth is a lot of writing and yes, I have heard about a lot of it.  She wanted to tell me for me to know where she is coming from.  Equally, I shared with her a 16 year marriage that had it's own hellish traits all over it. But she goes from highs to lows - believing and then doubting that a relationship between us could work.  You can only try to reassure a person so much, she is going to eventually have to come to grips with this either way.  I couldn't tell the kids or her when I will come back because it's an issue of finances.  At almost $300 round trip plus hotel plus expenses, not cheap, at least for me.  I can't stay at her house because the court put that into the decree: no visitors of that type after 9:00 pm unless we get married.

She offered to find a friend's house to stay at - but I would be pretty uncomfortable staying at a complete stranger's house and I wouldn't have the freedom that I do at a hotel in having my privacy.  The point, though, was to eliminate hotel expenses.  I am trying to figure out what I could do to accomplish that goal without staying at a person's house that I don't know.  I just can't answer that question because there aren't many options.  She does have her business  where I could stay in a side room.  I had considered that before but just didn't go with it.  I wanted to stay in a normal room with a comfortable bed.  There is no bed in that room at her store, I would have to bring an air mattress to sleep on.

I'm not against doing that and it may well be the only viable alternative if push comes to shove.  I dunno, I have a lot of thinking and praying to do.  There are tangents to this situation that I simply cannot go into on the world wide web.  Actually these are things that I simply can't go into with anyone, just the way it is.  Not concerning me.

Anyway, we spent a couple of hours in a room thing at the top of her house that has windows all the way around it and overlooks the property.  We opted to go up there instead of outside.  It is starting to get cold - by my standards and apparently hers as well - outside at night and I am not into that while trying to have "adult" conversation with another person.

I'm exhausted.  When I get home tomorrow, I'm going to go straight to bed and sleep.  I don't necessarily do well in hotels and sleeping well enough to feel rested the next morning.

I have a lot to think, pray and ponder over, that's what I will occupy my time in the next weeks doing and also trying to figure out how I can get back there frequently enough to keep it alive and not just electronic talking and texting.

G'nite.

ben

Final full day in Texas en-queue.
Nothing spectacular yesterday, she dropped the kids off at a babysitter again and we just sat around her place and talked about all kinds of things all day long.
About the time kids were going to come home from school, we left and went to get something to eat and then did some running around, brought some pizza home from Sam's club, had one of the kids cook that, I ate a piece and then it started.

My stomach started churning.  I couldn't figure out whether it was the pizza or the stomach virus that half the house has been dealing with.  Took something for that, bid my adoos to the lady and the kids that were still following me around like a puppy dog and headed back to the hotel.   Just sitting around thinking at this point.  What kind of dramatic, life-changing thing it would be to pack up and leave Phoenix and move out here.  That kind of thinking can take a lot of time to try and analyze and think through.  More than I should have gotten involved with.

I started looking at airfare getting back out here.  On certain dates, it's cheaper to fly here than to drive.  Even if it's $75 more to fly than drive, the benefits of getting a trip over with in less than half the time without all that time consuming driving plus the fatigue involved with doing such far outweighs saving a few bucks.  But, right now? Money a bit tight after this trip, I was thinking of coming back around New Year's.  Nothing definite yet and still I need to make some heart decisions here as to whether I really want to just up and haul off from Phoenix and leave it behind permanently.

I am certainly not adverse to doing such, btw, I don't much care for living there and only a few factors that would be hard to leave behind.

Anyway, it's now Friday morning.  I am going to go play at the pond and see if I can figure out how to build a small dam without it getting washed over in the next rain.  Quite a bit of concrete down there and some posts to hold it up with, I think I can do it.  She just wants it raised a couple of feet - which would equal thousands of gallons of water -  for the dry spells that come and not much water come running through that stream. I have an idea of how to do it right, but I don't the time or the equipment for that.  Would have to build a bypass channel around the outlet, let it dry out as much as possible and then do a concrete with rebar foundation to do it right.  But I think I can build something with all that concrete that is down there and possibly it will hold.

I consider it a challenge and I like challenges.  We have been sitting around the last few days and I need something to do that involves physical exertion.

2 of her boys get off school early today and they are going to come down and help me when they get home, that should help immensely.

Well, off to the races!

G'day.

ben

Today was pretty amazing.  She took the 3 young ones over to someone's house to babysit them and we spent the entire day together - alone.  For the record, we are not engaging in sexual activity and have committed to each other that we would not do that, per God's word.  TMI, I am sure but I am pretty open about my life in my journal, always have been always will be.

Anyway, we ended up at the movie theater today.  Her oldest son, Isaiah, suggested the movie Escape Plan and we were not disappointed. I like action movies, this one was really good, IMO, with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger being the main stars in the movie.  The ending was really  good because it was totally unexpected!

We ate at Smash Burger - amazing hamburgers - we went to various stores and then after a full day together, went to the babysitter's house, picked up the 3 youngin's - who were babbling at me the entire trip back to her house.  On the way back, she called in advance to tell the older boys that if they were going to go to church, they would have to be outside waiting for her to pick them up and take them over as soon as she got home.  The 14 year old who sticks near me whenever I am there and he is also there told her to tell me he loves me.  She said it after she got off the phone so nonchalantly that it caught me off guard.  What did you say?  He said he loves you.  That boy is so starved for attention - but all of them are.  I mean attention in a good way, not the way they are used to having the man in the house yelling at them and spiting them, brushing them off and making them feel like s***.

She doesn't care about my occasional slips of the tongue - she does it herself - but she has one particular boy that is very much not in love with any kind of cuss words at all, changing the subject now that I threw the s word in there. She had a talk with him after we got home tonight - this is referring to a 12 year old - he had a bad attitude because wasn't allowed to go to church with the older boys tonight for whatever reason.  But during that talk, apparently he declared to her that I am not a Christian because I was talking to the 14 year old yesterday while we were moving a woodpile and I used the S word.  I was not cussing AT the 14 year old, btw, I would never do that.  She came back with a good one about his own behavior and not honoring his mother as the word says and does that therefore make him not a Christian?

I thought about that one for a while laying here in the hotel thinking about everything that went on today and decided that I would simply apologize to him tomorrow if/when I see him again and try to remember not to let any of that slip out when around him.  I don't really take any pleasure in offending children, the Bible has enough to say about that particular subject.

This morning?  That new septic pump I installed yesterday wasn't working, either.  Mind you, she had a professional septic company come out yesterday to look at the system and determine what's wrong with it.  He allegedly checked the power to make sure it has juice going to the pump.  He said there was juice and that was that.  I never even thought to check the power supply myself because this many is, allegedly, a professional.  Well, I installed the new pump yesterday and plugged it in.  We couldn't tell if it was working or not because the tank had been emptied and so we figured it probably wasn't coming on because the "water" level wasn't high enough to turn the thing on.

This morning when I got over there, she was trying to drag an electrical line out there to see if she could plug it into the power lines that come up from the pump and the overflow level that sounds an alarm if the level gets too high.  No, the pump wasn't working.  Well, a brand new pump, power definitely getting to the panel out there, what's the problem?  I start looking at the female plug for the pump and saw that the power and ground line are completely disconnected!  Why didn't I check that in the first place? Because that "professional" dude said the power supply was good! I shouldn't have had to check it!  It means that the old pump was probably fully functional!

I am no perfect person and I let out a string of cuss words! No kids around!  Not because the power supply interrupted by the bad plug, but because this guy who was paid a good amount of money flatly stated that the power supply was good! If you are going to do something in life for a living, then by God be GOOD at it.  Just being honest.  I have faults like everyone else, I am around people cussing at work all day long. I spent my teenaged years cussing up a storm.  I was able to tone that down to nothing after I gave my life to the Lord but after I got divorced some "language" crept back in.  I realize that there are people that do not like to hear that kind of language, I get it.

And, to land this airplane and get it on the runway (ie: to end this entry), the 15 year old - yes there is quite the range of ages going on  here - was spying on us last night!  We had walked down the narrow, one lane road in and out of her property and yes, we were hugging and kissing.  I have a huge hickey on my neck to prove that, lol.  It was dark!  But he saw what we were doing anyway and made a comment to her today about it or last night, I don't remember which.  She still is having a no PDA policy - Public Displays of Affection - though only around her kids.  So I don't even hold her hand in front of them.  She wants to do that this first visit and then, I am guessing, let them kids have time to process what they have already seen and heard and talk to mom about it.  But, it's not like they don't already know.

That's it for today.  I want to write a lot of this out in blog entries so that I can come back in the future and reference the progression of what is going on here.  It actually isn't that late here, I just wanted to leave a bit earlier than the last several nights because I have had a headache going all day long - slept too hard and too long last night into this morning after not getting near enough sleep the 3 nights before that - I just had to come back to the hotel and lay down.

G'nite.

ben

I'm exhausted. I'm out all day long and there is stuff going on at that house that I have been working on - besides having sweet, alone time with m'lady - takes it out of me.  Today - her septic pump went out.  I have no clue about septic systems, she called out an old-timer that has a pump truck and he was a crotchety old man but hilarious.  I was all over that, between his cranky humor and my style of comedy, we had each other in stitches.  He didn't want anything to do with that pump.  He said it wasn't worth his time, somebody had switched the original pump to a Home Depot cheap piece of s*** and told us we could fix it ourselves.

His issue was that he would have to make trips all over the place to find the right parts to put the original style pump that was on the thing and that he only deals in "standard" pumps, he didn't care for doing all of that and go to Home Depot and get the same kind of cheap, s*** pump and put it on ourselves.   Yup, that was his decree.  He pumped that tank out and that was that.

We go to Home Depot, I'm driving.  The 3 little ones are with us yet again.  They're warming up to me quite a bit now.  They are so attention starved that they can't get enough of me.  I like kids, what can I say.  They're fun to be around and watch their reactions to things.  They bring a light to life that only a child can bring.  If I've said it a thousand times, I'll say it a thousand and one: I always wanted a lot more kids than the one I have now.  Best son a man could ever ask for, that's for sure, but still I wanted at least 3.

Got all that stuff, got back, switched out pumps - we're not sure if it's working or not yet because the man pumped that entire tank dry.  I then went to work drilling a hole into the side of her house, through brick, installed an inch and a half PVC drain line from the washing machine to the yard.  I know, strange but we're talking a farm and 36 acres of land with cows and horses and people that see and think things differently.  But, it is a temporary fix.  I don't have the time to dig out underneath a concrete side walk and dig a trench 75 feet long to a much better location.  This fix was in reference to the man's adamant, repeated statement that having laundry drain-water going into a septic system kills the good bacteria that breaks everything down and that's 90% of the problem with that system to begin with.

Done with that, she's taking a nap and I sit down with my laptop to check email, still trying to rent out that blooming room.  The 3 young kids come clamoring around me, all wanting attention.  This is a very long story of what has led up to having not only those 3 but the rest of the older kids wanting as much attention as they can get and especially the 14 year old.  I spent two hours with them watching youtube videos until I could take it no more and told them the show was over.

Whatever the case and bypassing a lot more stuff cause' I am tired and ready to go to sleep, I haven't had a hickey on my neck in at least 3 decades.   There's a big one there now, LOL.  The whole right side of my neck is deep red, lol.  Tomorrow, she is dumping the 3 little ones and we are going to spend the day together without all the interruptions that kids can bring.

Enough, I'm ready to conk out.

ben

Another full day spent with the lady.  I met up with her at her store and her 3 youngest ones that she was dragging around with her - she does that regularly.  We went to Walmart and then Home Depot and then back to her house where I attempted to get some things done - the house needs help, we'll just put it that way.  She has 2 pretty little girls ages 6 and 8 and a 10 year old boy, I was trying to break through their barriers and get them to talk.  The 10 year finally caved in, the 8 year old started to show signs but the 6 year old has it stuck in her brain that I am going to marry m'lady (which is certainly not out of the question at this point, just down the road a piece)  and that she doesn't want another daddy.  Mom has attempted to tell her several times over that I wouldn't be a daddy or even a step daddy.  But she can't past it.  Her brothers apparently have asked her why she even cares, they rarely see their dad and he shows them little attention or love, he simply tries to buy their affection with money and letting them do whatever they want

But those kids don't need that.  They need direction and guidance and they need to see real love from a man to a woman.  Or in this case, from a man to their mom.

Of all the kids, though, there is one that is attention starved, going through a lot of mind battles and obviously needing and wanting an adult male's attention in his life.  This became so much clearer today as when he got home from school he followed me around all over the place and talking. He has a serious issue that he needs to get past in his life and though I would love to help him with that, I won't be around near long enough to be able to even put a dent in that particular situation.

When I was leaving, he followed us to the door and asked if I was leaving.  Yes, I am going back to the hotel.  Well, he wished me a good night, so I reached out my hand and shook his.  Of course, I wasn't leaving RIGHT away, lol, we walked down the road a piece, away from the house and - well you know - anyway, that's not really something I need to write to everyone else, a man with a woman that are in love with each other, figure it out, lol.

Where is this leading to?  I can't predict the future, this is the first visit.  She is dreading Saturday when I leave.  I won't want to leave either, I can assure you of that, there is nothing in me that wants to go home at this point as I consider Phoenix a hell-hole, I haven't liked living there in a long time and here?  She lives out in the country, away from the city.  The air is fresh.  She has huge pine and oak trees all over her 36 acres of land.  She has 10 cows and she rents out pasture to a lady that has numerous horses there.  There is a stream that runs through the property and a small pond - of the likes I am going to make into a bit bigger pond before I leave.  They go through some dry spells where water runs slow or not at all and that pond is what the cows use to drink water.  They tried to build a small dam at the outlet some time ago, but it was ill conceived.  There was nothing driven into the ground to support the dam and keep it from washing away, which is exactly what happened when a good rain came and the water just washed their dam downstream.

I'm loving it here, is what I am saying.  I didn't want to leave tonight, but I get tired at a certain point in time every single night and I have to go lay down and get some sleep.  It would be much easier to stay there, but it's written right into the divorce decree that - however it is written, boyfriend, man whatever - is not to be inside the house after 9pm, until/if/when marriage occurs.  It is all about appearances anyway. Some of the kids that were totally opposed to me coming and this relationship are now changing their minds.  I am very cool and good with kids of all ages.  I just know how to get along with them in their own language and that is something I both learned on the mission field and also in youth ministry in the church.

Well I am fading and it's time to go to bed.  But I am one happy man right at this particular point in time.

G'nite.

ben

I just spent, literally, the entire day over at her house with all of those kids.  It was a very interesting day.  I was a little uneasy about all of them because I know how some of them feel about this situation.  They aren't actually happy about it, yet at the same time they don't seem to much care to be with their father.

Regardless, they didn't actually warm up to me right away.  In fact, that really didn't even begin to happen until much later on in the day, excepting the 15 year old.  Extremely talkative, 10 miles a minute kid with a motormouth that just won't stop.  He's the problem child, supposedly, well I believe it I just haven't seen it yet. They were all up in the bedroom upstairs taking pokes at me with her when she went up there after we had spent a lot of time there - which was okay with me, just teenage talk.

Ummm, anyway, long lapse, it's  Monday morning, have the whole week off dunno what we are doing today.  Dunno what we are going to do on any given day, just know that she has to haul around 3 of those kids with her at any given time during the work week, though apparently she is going to drop them on some folks who volunteered to watch them for a while, while i am here.

Meanwhile, still trying to get that room rented!  I dunno what the problem is, there have been several people over there already and no-one is taking it.  Just talked to a lady that works at the airport - which is all of 10 minutes away from my house.  She has weird hours and apparently has to drive back and forth to the airport to deal with customers checking in and such, so my location is a good one for her.  Probably  6 miles to the employee parking lot from my driveway.

But who knows, just posted another ad and will keep doing so.

Going into the details  of what's going on?  Well let's just say that it is better than either of us expected, which is a really good thing - for both of us.  If it stays on track as it is going, leaving on Saturday is not necessarily going to be an easy thing to do.  I don't know when I will be able to get back - the costs are a bit prohibitive in flying and renting a hotel room, but certainly not before 2014.

Christmas coming up, not that that is anything grand within our family.  IF I am able to make it until January without getting stopped by ADOT - Arizona Department of Transportation/Highway Patrol/ADOT Enforcement (a whole division specifically directed towards the "enforcement" of commercial vehicle laws and truck inspections), I will get a 2 week's worth of pay bonus and that would certainly pay for a trip back over here.

Sitting at a Denny's across the road from her store waiting for her to show up. She has a guy that runs it for her but I ain't going over there until she shows up. Heavily armed type of place because it deals in buying gold and silver.  I like Denny's coffee : )

G'day.

ben

Didn't quite have time to pick up where I left off yesterday.  But after a couple of hours plus layover in Houston, we all boarded a much smaller jet to fly over to Tyler.  The thing powered up and got moving in a big hurry!  2 big jet engines for such a small plane!  Interesting flying over the land and seeing so much water everywhere - and much of it brown and/or putrid looking with a lot of dead trees lining the lakes besides them. What are they dumping into the water here?!!

Flying into Tyler, small airport.  Small brick building terminal.  Got my stuff and there she was, as beautiful and lovely in real person as what her pictures showed.  Just sayin', sometimes pics make people look MUCH better than when you meet them in-person!  Though it wouldn't have made any difference anyway about it, she is a beautiful person inside and that counts much more than external beauty.

I took her hand and gave her a big hug.  She has - never had that actually - in her past 20 year marriage so I guess it took her off-guard.  Well I don't guess it does, it did!  She was all giggly and trying to make excuses for not being used to it, I just shrugged it all off and said get used to it!  Lol.

We went to a restaurant and sat together for a couple of hours but - fatigue was setting in even though early.  I had to get some rest.  Friday's escapades in making 2 trips to the mountains and working until 6 pm and then getting ready to leave and then getting up at 3:45 am to get to the airport took it's toll on me.  She took me to the hotel - we hugged for probably a good 20 minutes, she couldn't get enough of it once she decided she liked it - and then finally got to get into bed and just close my eyes.

Sunday morning now, we're skipping church though I didn't want to.  She hasn't been divorced that long and she just didn't want to deal with the questions she thought she might get, though I have no idea why anyone would want to stick their nose into her business in such a way as to get uncomfortable with it, anyway.  But there are people in the church that are very judgmental, you will find that just about anywhere, unfortunately.  Personally, I don't tolerate such people because they are always extremely religious. I just start digging right back. "Really, well isn't that amazing. What skeletons do YOU have in YOUR closet".  I get right back into their face.  Everyone has their issues, faults and problems, no-one is immune.  To judge another person is to point 20 fingers back at yourself.

Whatever the case, we are going to her house in a few minutes. It's a brick house just short of 7,000 square feet and she is extremely embarrassed to have me over because she doesn't have control of the kids yet after a bad marriage and a husband who apparently didn't enforce anything with them. Leave a house go that size for that long a period of time - well I have braced myself for it.  But, in my mind, anything like that can be changed, especially a dirty house.  Might take quite a long time to bring it back to a good condition, just sayin' I'm ready for whatever scene may assault my senses since she has pretty much told me it's ugly.  She tries to get the kids to help her but - many times they ignore her or go to playing games shortly after getting started on their chores.

I have considered asking Mark to go out for a week and get the place cleaned up - for pay obviously.  He might just do it for enough money.  I dunno, she is totally open to it, that's for sure.  But, I'm gonna get over there in a few minutes and check it out.

Just trying to keep up with my blog a bit.

Happy Sunday!

ben

Too much going on to write too many blog entries.  But at this moment, I am sitting at the airport, near the gate, waiting to board the plane, which will occur in a bit over an hour from now.

I haven't flown in sooooo long!  I don't know why they did it, but they sent me through the pre-screened line and no, I wasn't pre-screened.  Skipped a HUGE line by going through there!  The lady said I guess you are one of the lucky ones!  A BUNCH of TSA people standing all over the place, just not used to this.

Now I understand the theorem of dressing up a bit, most people here are in T shirts and blue jeans, shirts hanging out, no belts, sloppy appearance, etc. etc. etc.  I'm not exactly in a suit and tie, but I  am definitely not in blue jeans and t-shirt apparel.

Umm, well whatever.  I am kicking out a tenant as of today.  Dunno how that is going to go over, but Mark has no problem helping me with that because he doesn't like the guy anyway.

I have had 3 people over yesterday, Mark showed them all.  I have another wanting to come today to take the already vacated room, need to get the rented out quickly.

I'm just skirting through issues here, I haven't been on  a plane in so long I am a bit nervous.  I have never had any ill problems flying but still, it's been over 8 years.

So, I think I will end this one and maybe pick it up again when sitting in Houston for 3 hours, or not, I am actually wanting to sleep when I get there.

G'day.

ben

I left Friday afternoon, got up to the property, got everything fired up and then.......electric fault breaker on GFI outlet kept popping.  It was getting extremely irritating considering I had to keep walking to the pedestal to turn it back on.  I don't know why they installed a GFI on a pedestal!  I am going to get rid of it.  I have outdoor outlets with no GFI on them and I have seen plenty of other outlets at other places without them, dunno what the deal is.  I thought those things were meant for kitchens and bathrooms?

Well, anyway, Friday night after I went to bed the power went out again, of course and my white-noise generating fan went off with it. I  was too tired to get up, get dressed, put on shoes and go out there to push the thing in so I just tried to sleep without it.

Well try going to sleep without a noise that you have been listening to for over 25 years to sleep with and see how well that turns out!

The next morning, I got up, pushed it in, made coffee and then it went out again - but then, the second try, it stayed on.

Never-the-less, I had decided to go home.  I will but another outlet before I go up there again and install it.  I got what needed to be done in terms of going up there and draining out the water lines in the RV.  It only takes a few minutes to do, actually, but to not do it can mean a catastraphe.  I was glad I went though, it's really beautiful up there and the weather was awesome.

I made record time coming back, too, in an hour and a half.  I caught up to a Mercedes that was cruising along prolly around 70 and passed it.  Then it passed me.  Well, I wasn't in a race with this car, i was keep my speed constant, I guess he wanted to play a cat and mouse game which didn't really bother me as long as it doesn't get dangerous.  This occurred ALL the way back to the valley!

I got some stuff done at home as well on Saturday and Sunday, not to mention going to church.  The pastor still isn't back from his trip so another church leader did the service.  It was a great service albeit short.  

On the lady front, trouble in Denmark.  But not unexpected.  Not with her, but her ex.  He's going through the gamut of things.  He only takes his kids once every 2 weeks, but since I am coming, he doesn't want them at all while I am there!  He figures they should "bond" with me?!!!  This is those kid's dad for crying out loud!  Then he started interrogating his kids about what is going on between us - the lady and I - which the younger kids didn't like.  Then, the 15 year old boy started acting out and going ballistic on his mother.  It's kind of a mess but again, not unexpected.  I was given the whole rap about the family long before anything started getting serious.  I dunno, it's only 5 more days and I will be diving into all of this and finding out for myself just how far the rabbit trail goes..........

So that's it.  I will spend this week making sure everything is good around the house and then get up early Saturday morning, get to the airport and start this adventure.  I suspect this adventure is going to have it's ups and downs, to be honest, but I have to go out there and find out if this is really something that is going to work or not.  You can talk on the phone all day long and send tens of thousands of messages back and forth - which we literally have done at this point - but you don't really know until you meet the person in-person and also everything else that is going on in that person's life, especially the home.

Whatever the case, it's Monday morning and I need to get to work. Manager not coming in today so I only need get the truck loaded and ready to go and get out of here.

G'day.

ben

Thursday

My plan for tomorrow, in considering it works out that way, is to leave town shortly after I get off of work and head up the hill to my mom's property.  Still haven't decided whether I am going to stay one night or two, though.  Just before I leave, I will drain the entire water system out on the trailer and have the peace that the lines aren't going to freeze and burst over the winter.  Not that I don't intend on going up there at various times throughout the winter, I just haven't really wanted to go very much lately.

Well, anyway. The situation with the lady.  I haven't written this part of it out yet because I just haven't wanted to.  But, she has a lot of kids, numerous of them are teenagers and just about all of them mouth off and disrespect her to one degree or another.  Some of it is very, very serious.  To the point of cussing her out and throwing things in anger and destroying property.

I have told her repeatedly up front that I do not tolerate kids mouthing off to their mothers, period.  She doesn't have a clue how this is going to go over because she doesn't want me saying much of anything to them if they are acting out in front of me towards her.  I just had to tell her it would be very difficult for me to keep my peace if that goes on while I am there.
_________________________
Long interlude, like by a day, lol.  I am now up at the mountain property.  The GFI circuit is acting up and is turning the power off at random.  This is not a problem with the trailer, those circuits go bad after a while and/or can't handle the amount of power being used by an entire RV and just quite, blow out the circuit and then you have to go and keep resetting it.  Been there, done that, bought the farm. I spent the night here without my fan running cause it shut off in the middle of the night and I wasn't about to get up, get dressed and walk over there to reset it.

As it stands, it has gone off once while trying to make a pot of coffee.  If I would have given it any thought in the past, this potential situation would have come up in my mind and I would have bought a spare to have up here just in case.

Selah and oh well.  I'm going to drain out the water lines a little later and then I am going to head home.

Attempting to face the reality that I am going to have to drive up north this weekend and deal with the RV and drain out the water system.  I just don't want to go up there because I have other things I would really like to get done this weekend - selah.

So, hopefully head up Friday, stay overnight and come back Saturday?  I dunno yet.  Probably, though.  I want to hit church on Sunday morning and it's easier to get back the day before for that than to get up early on Sunday and attempt to make it home in time to get the dogs out, get showered, dressed and there on time.

Facing yet another tenant leaving - and this guy has been good about paying his rent and really, hasn't been here that much since he moved in - I don't know how long ago, maybe 4 or 5 months. He's headed back to Atlanta and I am headed back into the waters of attempting to find a decent person to take his place.

But, I have been preoccupied and I must find time to get these things done, lol.  I gotta have that income.
Anyway, just a short blip, on the way out the door for another day of work.

G'day.

ben

What do you do with a weekend where you are intentionally trying to not exert energy so that you can get better?
Sit and here be driven half mad by people walking in and out and in and out.
I've had bronchitis too many times to remember in my life time, if there is one thing I remember about getting over it: DO NOT EXERT.  Do as little as possible until it passes.  I have had it last up to 3 months because I just wouldn't stop.  Well screw that, I don't want to be sick for months and I am doing what I can to get past this.

It does seem as though I am getting better, though, less coughing and stuff coming up, good signs I think.

But I do have things I want to get done today.  Haircut is really needed.  Would like to get a few new shirts maybe some casual slack type of wear.  I really like to go out and eat once a month or so and my favorite place to do that is Applebee's, just a couple miles down the road.
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Long interlude.  HAD to get out of the house!  Went to a clothing store and bought a couple of nice shirts - I am going to dress up for the flight to Texas, I don't believe in getting on an airplane looking and smelling like a slob.  Went to Great Clips and got a really good haircut :)  Not to mention a really nice hair stylist, lol.  I can talk forever with those people.  Then I get a phone call from home - can you pick up Mountain Dew.  Whatever.  Over to Applebee's, waiting for my ---- nix ----lunch just showed up. I actually come here not only for the food but there is a really cool bartender that I just get along with.   No, nothing there, she's married we just click is all.  I am not getting drunk, either, you can sit at the bar and have dinner without drinking.

Next, stop at the grocery store, pick some stuff up - my refrigerator is empty and my cupboards are getting bare after having a tenant - who asked to help for unknown reasons - and threw out a bunch of stuff out of date.  Which didn't bother me, I will just go get more and get the reserves built back up.

2 weeks to the day til' I head out to Texas.  She doesn't want to text anymore, lol, she just wants to talk on the phone, which is cool excepting where I can't call her and then I want to text her!  We cannot get enough of each other, even after talking on the phone, FB messaging, texting all day long.  I went to bed last night with the sound of her voice in my ears.  The only thing that could possibly be better if she was here with me.

Give it time.  Give it a visit to Texas - though at this point I am not concerned how that is going to turn out.  If it really turned out bad for whatever reason, I would be shockingly surprised.  If you think the talk about a woman in Texas is going to change for any reason, anytime soon, prolly think again, lol.  Her kids found me on FB - she has been trying to keep this from them but one of them looked over her shoulder while we were talking on FB, saw my name, told her older brother who then frantically started looking for me on FB - not hard to find me if you have my name - and then the next thing I knew?

I had an FB message from him.  Lol.  You want to talk about a kid looking for male attention that hasn't had that in his life.  He's asking me questions and then gives me his stamp of approval and then really blew me away - cause' this wasn't a long, extended conversation - we're talking a teenager here with a girlfriend - says: "BTW, I love you!"

That wasn't gay stuff, that's coming from a person who is starving for attention from male attention.  I get that, but it was very surprising to hear that from him. He doesn't even know me and goes from a conversation of what he likes to do to that.

Well, anyway.  I better get out of here, get to the grocery store and get on the phone! Last night's conversation? LOL, 3 hours and 32 seconds!

G'day

ben

Haven't posted anything since Saturday because I have been sick.
I trudged myself into the doc's office on Tuesday to find out that I have
bronchitis.
Longest doc visit I've had in quite some time, because first they wanted me to do
tests to see - whatever, how much air getting down into the lungs - and then after
they determined it was  bronchitis,  breathing treatment, then another test, then
a cocktail of drugs for a prescription.

I am finally, I think, starting to feel better.
This stuff has just zapped my energy and when I am like that, writing in a blog
or doing much of anything else for that matter goes by the way side.

I haven't even been talking to her on the phone until today.
Of course we talk endlessly doing the texting routine or messaging
on facebook - up to 12,000 messages, lol, just on fb alone!

I've also tried to get off work early every day but not working out.
Finally, business is picking up again, just not the greatest week for that
to happen!

Met up with the ex at a mail place today and we sent out a package to our
son.  A bunch of knick knacks and stuff that I got at Walmart plus a book
of stamps so he can write to those that supported him - wanted the stamps, lol,
not coming from a nagging parent wanting him to write! Thou getting an occasional
letter from him would be cool.

Well, it's past midnight, just woke up like I always do, decided to hammer out a few
words here, maybe make me sleepy enough to get back to sleep.

Yes, definitely getting sleep again! It's Friday, one more work day and then I can
spend the weekend doing  much of nothing so I can try and get better!

ben

I finally started weight training again this week.
The temps have come down enough that there are no more excuses.
What happens when you let a lot of time pass and then start over again?
You can't lift near as much as you used to!
No wonder my chest was getting flabby!
Give it a few months, that should begin to reverse itself.

Actually, you begin to see results relatively quickly, but anything noticeable takes more time than that.

The misses has worse sleeping issues than I do, which is amazing in itself.
She is also a light sleeper, but apparently doesn't embrace the idea of white noise, such as having a fan running or using ear plugs.  Well I am going to start talking her into it.

Anyway, I am going to pay tomorrow for the workout today, I can already tell that!  My chest and arm muscles will probably be sore!

As for today: I really do NOT want to spend 2 more hours walking around handing out flyers today, but the time to leave to go do it is fast approaching and I will have to make up my mind within the next half hour.  Arrrrgh.  Not that there's anything worthy staying home for.......

G'day.

ben

This is all uncharted territory for me.
Regardless, I found my hotel accommodations for cheap in a newer hotel.
I do hope the place isn't a dive, but the pics at least make it look like it's a decent place.
I'll find that out in a little over 3 weeks.
They give extended stay pricing when staying 7 or more days, which brings the price WAY down.

So, it's Friday.
Bonus showed up in my bank account.
As expected, the Federal Government took out a whopping $600 of it.  Pretty good for an entity that is shutting itself down.  It's a bit disappointing to see them take that much out of it, did they work for that money? How did it come about that the Feds get to take a whopping 40% of a bonus that I worked my @$$ off to get?

I want to find out when that particular piece of s*** was instituted, who did it and what excuse they came up with to take that large of a chunk of a person's check.

Weekend is almost here, I only had planned to go out and hand out flyers with the rest of everyone else tomorrow, but if pink eye is still an issue, I won't go.  Yes, I have pink eye and everyone knows it's highly contagious and I don't want to be around other people and their kids and potentially pass it on.  Not sure about that one yet.

I am going to go to a few garage sales and see if I can find a larger suitcase.  I don't travel much anymore and I do not have a large suitcase.  I don't want to spend a small fortune on a piece of luggage that may or may not get much use, who knows.  What I do know is that the small suitcase I have is not large enough for a week's worth of clothing!

Today and by now already started or they are heading that way, is the trucker shut down of the D.C. loop.  It's an interesting idea, but the reality of it is - truckers, stay home for a week.  All of us.  Call in sick, do whatever, just stay home.  Turn off the trucks, that will do more than just get attention.

Whatever, enough.
The lady isn't feeling well this morning, she only got 3 hours of sleep last night, so she's not too talkative, at least this early, lol.

G'day

ben

I never understood people that were "hopelessly" lost in love.  Not that I didn't think it was cool, or wonderful, I just couldn't relate.

I am hopelessly lost in a land of love that I have never known before.  I don't even understand it, it is beyond the mind.  Analytic thinking serves no purpose.  I can only think of her. She consumes my mind all day long.  When I wake up at night - which I always do - she is the first thing that comes to my mind. When I wake up in the morning. On the way to work. At work.  When people are talking to me.

I can never remember a time loving anyone like this.  Only when I found the Lord and still love Him, but that is a different love and on a much different level - though greater, yes.  God first.  

She is so beautiful and lovely.  Intelligent and motivated.

I am lost.

So, my next-door-neighbor returned yesterday from Michigan.
One of my tenants was out there showing him the video I took of his neighbor on the other side installing the fence parts on the already installed posts that have been sitting there like that for - a couple of years now I think.
I went over and visited with him for quite a while.  I will not go into specifics of that conversation since this blog is not limited to anyone finding it and if that creep that lives next door to him has found it, well, you won't get any information here.  But the conversation eventually steered off of that situation and onto other things, such his property up north of which he has plenty of photos of, pretty remarkable and beautiful place.

Time will tell what will become of the situation with that war and the fence and the stolen property.  Even the Bible, in the Old Testament, has some pretty strong language about neighbors moving property lines and/or attempting to take land from their neighbors.  I'll have to find the specific scripture to refresh my memory.

14 “You must not move the stones that mark your neighbor’s property. People put them there in the past to mark each person’s property. These stones mark the land that the Lord your God gave you.

That's one of the scriptures but not the one I was thinking of.  Maybe look it up later.  

As for the lady, well, we haven't backed off from each other one iota.  It only continues to intensify as the days pass.  But I still have this "guard" up until I meet her in person.  I don't want a huge letdown if that is even possible, but it is possible and anything can happen.  

I am not going to go too far with this entry today, my keyboard is messing up for some reason.  Time to replace it. It stops working, then starts, then stops, gotta get a new one.

G'day.

ben

Sunday.
We talked via FB messages all day long yesterday.
Excepting the 1-1/2 hour time with my pastor at Smashburger.
I do love Smashburger!!
But I wanted to submit all of this going on to him for prayer and godly counsel.
Because the lady and I are both Christians, we had already set some pretty distinct
boundaries in terms of where conversations can go and such, so everything I told pastor
didn't raise any alarm bells with him.
It was a good meeting and in the end - bypassing a lot of conversation going back and forth -
he said he would discuss with his wife and they would "bathe this in prayer".

That's a good thing.  It's amazing how busy pastors stay all week long!  I think his day off is Monday.

Anyway, pastor asked if we were planning on meeting - encouraging it actually - because you don't really know if 2 people have that spark until they actually meet in person.  So yes, I have purchased the airfare.  I spent days looking around for the cheapest I could find and finally found a flight that goes through Houston instead of Dallas and saves a lot of money in doing so.  Almost 3 hour layover in Houston, though.  Oh well.  Then a short flight to a small airfield one town away from where she lives.  I was going to catch a bus for the rest of the trip but she said she would come get me since it isn't that far away.

I should have bought the insurance, but it forces me to go, lol.  The date for the days off are on the work calendar and so it's a go.  I asked her somewhat pointedly yesterday if she really was ready for me to come out, cause' honey, I'm buying the tickets and there's no turning back after that.

Onto other things.  Such as Safe Driver Award bonus.  I have to make it until January to get it.  That means no tickets, no warnings from ADOT or other police agencies and that also means attempting to make it just short of 3 more months to get it.  Never any guarantees.  I have been eye-balled in the semi numerous times by ADOT officers sitting on the side of the freeways, looking for their next victim.  You see them looking at you and then you start to get nervous.  The thing that might save me is that I am driving a brand new tractor and yes, it looks brand new.  It's clean, it's shiny and it is obviously not 10 years old.  The mal factor in this is that our company has a bad rating in the CSA system so ADOT officers are inclined to pull over any of our trucks that they see.

Well whatever.  I'm not stressing over it.  Haven't been pulled over in the semi in 3 years as of November.

My current dilemma:  I gotta get back into the habit of using cologne!  Ha.  I don't smell bad, take showers every day and all that, don't get me wrong, but I am going to want to put on something that smells good when I go to see her.  I haven't used cologne in so long, I don't even know where to begin!  I, uhhhh, go to a store somewhere I guess that sells it and ask for opinions on what smells good on a man.

I haven't comment on the politics of the day because it's absurd, outrageous and a carnival-like atmosphere, as far as I'm concerned, concerning what's going on in Washington.  The continual blame-shifting game coming from all of them is juvenile at best.  But some of the specific verbiage coming from Reid and his ilk is just unbelievable.  Jihad? Terrorists? Arsonists? Blackmailers? Running around with bombs strapped to their chests? Reid calling them anarchists and monkey-wrenchers and even much more.  The Democratic Senate and Obama and the democrats in the HOR apparently believe that the GOP is somehow constrained and obliged to bow to their demands.  There is a reason that the government is broken up in to 3 branches and there is a reason there are 2 parts to Congress with each part having it's own leadership and who is in control  being totally dependent on what party has the majority.

That's it.  Grow up.  If these people want to go around talking that kind of trash, let them do so from a different position in life because even in politics, that kind of crap talk is completely unacceptable as sitting Senators and Representatives who are allegedly "running" this nation.

And with that, I will end this one cause' I have to take a shower and myself ready for church.

Happy Sunday.

ben