Pretty strange stuff.
Just got done meeting with m'lady's 19 year old daughter.
The daughter was over at her house babysitting one day last week and I showed up to take almost all of them to the pet store to get some more fish for their fish tank. Apparently she didn't know I was coming and came out of the house talking in loud tones and apparently asking me what was going on here? .....she was talking to me while staring at the ground which is why I say apparently ......... her tones were haughty with a tinge of arrogance so I did not reply to her, instead the kids all gave her a hard time because they had already told her I was coming.

Later on that evening I wrote her an FB message: What is the problem here? .....etc etc etc.  Just wanting to know why she takes such a stance with me.  I don't know her, she doesn't know me, we have hardly ever talked, she doesn't live at home, I have never said anything unkind to her, what's the deal? She wrote back that she didn't like the way I was talking to her and this and that and that the conversation was over.  I said fine and that was that.

I was not going to contact her again and I didn't. Instead, the next day she said she felt we should talk in person and that we should meet in person to discuss. ??? Okay, I'm game.  So met we did, not an hour ago at a Starbucks.

Chilling. Hurt, anger and possibly hate in there.  I just sat down at the table and said well I spoke my peace the other day.  She replied well why did yo want to meet? Umm, sorry, I didn't ask for this meeting, you did.  Well I don't understand why you want to be buddy buddy with me?  I don't accept this situation with mom, I just don';t accept it (referring to our relationship). I never said I want to be buddy buddy with you.  Every time you come over to her house you completely ignore me, treat me as if I don't exist.  I have no idea why.  What is the issue here?  Well I don't want to be buddy buddy with you, she replies again.  When have acted in such a manner?

She just couldn't say anything nice.  She is full of anger  She is bitter towards her parents. It is obvious that I represent something to her that is totally unwelcome.  That's fine, she doesn't have to accept me she doesn't even have to talk to me, I just wanted to know if I had done something to offend her, because, as I said to her, I have said hi to her every time she comes over there and she completely, totally ignores me.

She sat there at that table tearing apart a piece of paper, twirling up the pieces and dropping them on the table.  The only times she looked at me was to tell me she basically wants nothing to do with me.  That's fine, she could have told me that on that FB message instead of meeting in person to tell me off.  Though she said she didn't basically want anything to do with me, at the same time she wasn't getting up and leaving.  I talked a little more trying to ascertain as to whether there was anything else she wanted to talk about - I sensed there was but if so, she wasn't letting it out.  I continued to try to talk but she wasn't responding at all.  It was so uncomfortable.  I finally just said well, if there isn't anything else to discuss, I am going to leave.  She said fine and that was that.

As I said, the coldness in her eyes was chilling. Seriously. Oh well. I just could have done without that meeting in person. I had thought that if she wanted to meet, perhaps she wanted to have something good come out of this, otherwise, what is the point of meeting?  So yes, I was taken aback to find out she had nothing nice to say to me and further that she wants nothing to do with me. Do you meet to what amounts to a total stranger to have them tell you that?

Long day at work. I was very tired this morning, didn't sleep well last night and I paid for it.  After my only stop was done, I got back to the yard and was informed there was a run to Springhill. "It's not that much".  I'm looking at several tickets worth of product and thinking, this is a LOT of material, it's going to take a while to pull all of this.  It was freaking HOT out there today!  I mean, it was bad.  I spent the entire afternoon out in the heat pulling that order, it became obvious that driving 90 miles one way and getting back at any decent hour was not going to happen.

I'm totally exhausted.

G'nite.

ben

My son is almost done with his year stint at RevHi. He is coming back from the Philippines to Hawaii, then off to Cali and then back to Phoenix.  At that point, I have spoken with him about coming out here for a visit to which he heartily agreed.  I'm looking forward to seeing him, talking about our Lord with him, hearing about his adventures and his plans.  And just spending time with him before he moves on to whatever it is that the Lord has for him to do at this point.

As for me, seeking the Lord about what is going on over here is really top priority.  I have to know what I am doing here - as in, what is His plan for all of this?

Regardless, another work week has yet arrived and I am finding the work hours to be unacceptable.  Consuming 12 hours of every day from the time I leave until the time I get back this way and leaving much of nothing left over to do much of anything is not a life, it's just a rut/groove that you get into and easy to get sucked up into to the point that you find it hard to break your way out of it.

But, I intend on praying over all of this, not running out and trying to find another place of employment. If God wants me working somewhere else or doing something completely different in order to pay the bills and be able to bless others, then I place my hope and faith in Him to make that happen. Not that I don't have to do anything about it, but certainly I have to spend the time it takes to seek Him and hand this all over to Him, where it belongs.

Well, as usual for a workday morning, I am out of time.

G'day.

ben

My buddy Roger calls last night - late - and leaves a message.
No I didn't hear the phone cause' I shut the ringer off at night.
If there is an emergency, oh well, once I am awakened at night it's
very difficult to get back to sleep.
Anyway, he's showing up today, apparently.
He wants me to sponsor his wife in the Philippines to come
over and live here.  He can't do it because he's been living over there the
last decade and doesn't have w-2's to prove he can financially sustain
her being here.

It's just so tweaked.  They are letting illegals stay and not deporting them
yet they won't allow a lady to come in who has done ALL of the paperwork
required - which isn't a small amount mind you - and attempting to do it
the right way through the government.

I'm going to try to help him.  That's his wife, for crying out loud, not some
stranger he just met.  He moved back here with the intention of doing all
of that paperwork and then getting her here.  The only thing holding it up
now is the government's insistence that he have a sponsor.

Whatever.

Thursday. Just cruising along here.  Sort of getting used to the new job and
all the driving.  Not just driving there and back every day, which is enough
in itself, but also the amount of driving I am doing while on the job. Pretty
much all day long, racking up thousands of miles per week now.  Just totally
different type of situation going on here even though it's the same company
selling the same product.  Heck, at 5:00pm yesterday afternoon, a contractor
called needing someone to bring out materials for a waterline break.  Someone
else volunteered to do it thankfully. Yes I could use the extra OT, but I need
a life somewhere along the way here as well!

No time for more.

G'day.

ben

I am completely pissed off right now.  But it's a personal matter so I won't go into it on this particular journal, do that on the other one.

Write in this one to try to get my mind off of a very negative situation.  These drives to work every day - it's well over a 100 miles round trip - are eating me up in fuel expenses.  I am seriously considering getting a motorcycle.  I know, they are dangerous, you can get killed on them, etc etc etc.

When I used to ride street bikes, yes, I got into accidents.  3 of them.  One of them the driver did intentionally - for what reason I have never been able to figure out.  I was riding at 2 am and there wasn't another car on the road, this car comes up behind me, passes and then cuts directly in front of me and then slams on their brakes.  I had to lay the bike down to keep from hitting this car.  Long story not worth going into right now. 2 other accidents, neither my fault.  The last one a pickup pulled right out in front of me and I slammed into the side of the truck.

That's been 30 plus years ago.  I've ridden dirt bikes since then, but not street bikes.  Still.  The idea of getting double and a half or more fuel mileage is a very tempting thing.

But I am not sold on the place I am working at.  The hours are too long and I have no time for much of anything after the day is over.  I'm slowly getting used to the hours, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  It eats up anything for having personal time to do whatever with my life.  Earning a living is a good thing, having to spend your entire life to do it is NOT.  I have weekends off at least but still.

Screw this.  I am too pissed right now to do much of anything.

Gotta cool off.

The weekend is over, it's 15 minutes til' my bedtime.
Today was a wash.  Good morning, pretty intense afternoon.
Good this morning because everyone went to church, we worshiped the Lord and then after church?
Josiah offered to buy dinner at a sit-down restaurant for everyone. That's a pretty steep bill to pay for
9 people, even if most of them are kids.

The problem.  Josiah took off in the pickup at dad's house with his girlfriend yesterday, immediately
after he had called mom and told her he was going to the store, to which mom replied fine, but she
absolutely is not going with you.  M'lady has no control over him at dad's house, but she does have control over use of the pickup since....it's her pickup.

The information came that he had taken her with him to the store.  Further that he basically told everyone there "screw them, I don't care what they say, you are coming with me!" in reference to his GF going with him and basically telling m'lady and I to go blow.  There is even more, but not going to go into details.

Well, m'lady had already made her decision about what he was going to do about this and we're sitting in the church parking lot discussing whether we should take up his offer to go out to eat?  I mean, you are about to tell him something he is definitely going to blow up about?  But in the end, we ended up going to a Mexican food restaurant, a thing I have been missing since I came out here, not that many around and the few I have been to have been pretty nasty.  We all had a great time.  It just kinda made me a bit apprehensive and a little sad that I knew what was coming to both of them in not too much more time, but enjoy the moments you get when you get them.

And so it was.  We got home with the both of them, she called them outside and I called the rest inside. They got in the back of the pickup truck and sat there.  I checked a few times, the last time I looked they were both crying.  The worst was yet to come when she told them that she was taking her home and they would have to tell her parents what happened. Then the girl started choking and sobbing.

They left and were gone a long time. I watched a movie with the kids - Happy Gilmore - absolutely hilarious movie with Adam Sandler, we sat there and laughed and laughed.  I watch that movie once in a while and just laugh every time I see it.  The Bob Barker fight I find especially hilarious, lol.  I had a 9 year old girl snuggled up to me on one side and a 13 year old boy on the other.

I have unintentionally stolen the hearts of the two little girls from their father.  He doesn't touch them, he doesn't tell them how special and beautiful they are, he doesn't give them kisses and he shoes them away from him.  They come give me big hugs all the time. The 9 year old sat right next to me, grabbed me hand and held it for a long time while watching that movie.  I really feel bad for all of those kids with a dad that simply will not show them love in any way, shape or form.  When they go to his house for over-nighters, they are sat down in front of a TV and watch movies the entire time.

The 13 year old hates going over there.  He is very active and sitting around for countless hours is not his forte.  He can watch a movie or show, but to sit there doing that all day and night long? Absolutely not.  Anyway, when they did finally return - m'lady and Josiah, Josiah came in and asked me if I would go work out with him. Yes, of course I will.  Mom was especially giving on that one, yes, go work out with him and maybe try to get him to cool down and sort through his emotions.

So we did.  Gone for about 2 hours.  Just heard him out and tried not to be too preachy. He was demanding to know who ratted him out - I simply refused to tell him. I told him flatly that I would never tell him and that he had committed his acts in front of all of the rest of his siblings so what did he expect?  But we had a good workout none-the-less, spent some good time with him trying to just get him to cool his heels a little.  I am no longer the decision maker so I am reverting back to the role I had with him before: a mentor and someone who will listen.

But it quickly went to hell when we got back and she had written out in black magic marker a message to him which she held up in front of everyone - it was written in huge letters.  It basically said on August 3rd he can see his girl starting at 2 pm, providing he works both this week and next and providing his attitude doesn't get crappy.  Josiah blew up.  He got his shoes on and took off.  No-one tried to stop him, no point in it.  Let him run and blow off steam.

After that, talked with m'lady for a long time alone.  :Had to air all of this out and she wanted to know what happened when we got to the gym.  Just basically letting him vent and hearing him out.  I don't have to agree with a person's views to hear them out and have a heart.

It's never ending over there, especially on weekends.  Anyway, I got the pellet rifle out for the 13 year old who was begging to shoot it.  He follows me around everywhere.  I'm serious.  When I am talking with m'lady I have to tell him to please go do something else, we want to have a private conversation.  I don't care what I am doing or where I am at on the property or in the house - he is there. I brought that up to m'lady today, that boy has become very attached to me.  Yes, she replied, he has never had any kind of male role model figure in his life.  I know and I don't mind filling the position, but he is very attached.  He sees his dad frequently enough and yet it is like his dad doesn't exist.  He hates going over there.

Well back to talking to m'lady again and doing laundry - having an entourage following me in there as well and in saying that I don't mean that I am some fantastic, special superhero, just they have a dad that won't get involved in their lives.  The sun going down, Josiah hadn't returned.

I texted him.  Well dude are you coming back or what's going on? I'm lost!  I'm in woods and I can't find a road anywhere!  Ummm, okay.......how far away are you from us?  Can I shoot off a few rounds and get you a directional back here?  Or hit the arrow on your phone map, it will show you where you're at and what's around you!  Finally I get a text back: I am on such and such road.  Okay, do you want me to come get you?  If you want to.....  Well, I feel for the kid. He might have brought all of this onto himself but he was a couple of miles away and had run out of water and the sun was going down. Not like there are street lights out in the country....

Got him back home then we started cleaning.  The 13 year old started getting an attitude. No idea.  He usually just does whatever he's told, he may not like it but getting this bad was unusual.  Okay, it was not unusual a while back but his tude' improved greatly - I don't want to pat myself on the back but I know I have had a large part to do with that - so just sat there and watched it for a while before finally asked him to get rid of the tude' and just get this done.  Wasn't like he was the only one doing anything.  I ended up back in the laundry room - which is the size of most people's master bedrooms, lol, and then the truth came out.

He was upset that I was leaving.  I mean, how do you handle hearing that? I know he has become attached to me but not to that degree.  Well, I replied, well I'm sorry. I have to get up early in the morning for work.  I don't want to leave but life has it's way of interfering with things.  But it's so boring around here when you aren't here! He's just pouring it on and I'm just like....wow, okay.   On hearing m'lady's talking about it earlier, I asked him if he would like to go out sometime and do something together? Well, yeah!

I just let it go at that, until he asked. Well what are we going to do?  What do you want to do?  I dunno.  Let's go see a movie then?!

I didn't want to leave him all down in the dumps and being unhappy about everything, so at least that brought him back up a little.

That's been my day and then some.  I can't write everything out, it would take up ten times this amount of writing I did here and that's already a lot!

.......and work in the morning. Mondays lately have been really s*****.  I would like this one to not be quite so bad, or not bad at all!  Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssssseeeeee pray for me about that! Thank you!

Nite.

ben

The money is gone,the countdown begins.
Tired of working, having an income and - being broke.
Isn't really always like this, I spent a lot of money over the last
10 months in flying out here, meeting her and then moving out here.
Plus I have another living expense: paying for this little abode I am
living in right now.

Which is why I had them rent out my extra bedroom that used to
be Caleb's room, to pay for this place.

Regardless, it's Friday and final work day of the week.  I am
very happy about that.  I have no plans for tonight besides going
over to her house and doing much of nothing.  I am worn out.
It rained all day yesterday and my feet were wet to top that and
I hate having wet feet/socks/soggy shoes.

Oh, the countdown is having had paid off 401k loan and a 30 day
waiting period before you can take out another one.

Well, off to the races!

G'day.

ben

I don't really much care for working out at gyms, as the amount of egos running around those places is more than I am willing to have to deal with - but deal with it I am anyway. I gotta get myself back into shape and the only way I know how to do that is to start pumping weights, get muscle mass built back up and get to burning fat.  I admittedly have let myself go for months now and before I started working out the last time for a couple of years, so I have some making up to do.

I've also allowed myself to get back into some pretty bad eating habits, gonna have to revert back to salads and low fat this and that kind of thing.

Weekend coming up quick.  Kids gone Friday night and returning Saturday night.  Meaning Saturday work day trashed, at least as far as getting help from them is concerned and I have a list of things to get done.  Next Saturday the same situation.  So 2 in a row.  Can't do anything about it but it just puts off what has to be done even longer for the sake of - well I'll save that for my other journal.

Well it's Thursday.  Long days at work.  Relentless driving.  Just go go go type of scenario.  Even the manager was commenting on the miles yesterday and also several times before that.  I would be a  bit more motivated if they would bring my hourly wage back up even anything close to what it was before.  As it stands they are getting a bargain for what they pay versus the amount of work they are getting back.

That's it, all I have time for.

G'day.

ben

Well pretty much writing out the heart of matters on other journal, this one might get a little sketchy on details at this point.  Good luck finding that other journal! lol

Never-the-less, did start working out again, finally, this week at a local gym that costs all of $10.91 per month for unlimited use.  No, it's not a junky gym, either.  Nice equipment, clean, they don't allow people yelling and all that stupid stuff, so yeah.

Got into it with another employee at work today.  I'm tired of his BS. He has a BIGGGGG mouth.  He comes out and tells me off about how I should load the truck the way he wants it loaded. No, I flatly replied right to his face: The way you want to load it is ILLEGAL! Freaking pipe would be sticking off the sides of the truck by 8 inches anyway.  He started in on me and I gave it right back to him, I took his s*** for a while but no longer.  First off he has no clue what he is talking about and secondly/more importantly, he is an arrogant ****-****** and I have had enough of it.  I told him Federal rules prevent you from allowing loads to hang off the side of a truck that far.

"Well I don't give a f****** s*** about the Federal Government, this is Louisiana and we do it however the hell we like it here!", basically telling me I am going to do it his way to which I just ignored him. Loaded the pipe legally, informed an office worker as to why I was fuming and he didn't disagree with me and took on off out of there.  This guy also told me he wasn't going to get any new straps because "the concrete ruins them".  Well now, they aren't going to replace damaged straps because they get used and eventually have to be replaced? Bul*****.

Yes, the guy pissed me off, crossed the line and that's usually when I just stand up to people even if it's going to "hurt" me - ie: trouble at work, and let them know exactly  how I feel about them and their ridiculous and outrageous statements and ideas that are not any part of any reality.  It's the same everywhere you go - people that don't know about trucking and all of it's regulations don't care about whether a truck legally loaded or if the equipment is in proper working condition because they aren't the ones that are facing getting pulled over and having a State Trooper tell you off and then start writing out tickets!

I still cannot believe they were driving that semi around without any working brakes on that semi trailer!

Oh well, my time is up, off to work.  Woohoooo!

G'day.

ben

Attention turning to finances.
They suck right now.
Gag.
What to do to fix them.
I dunno.
Rented out the extra room at the house to pay for this place I am living at.
I had - actually - thought - about living in a tent for a while with everything I need including showers and toilet at the camp site.
But it would be oppressively hot right now in the summer trying to sleep unless I could rig up a window AC unit.
There was another place for rent before I came out here that was $125 per month cheaper.
Though I like this place now that I'm here, the owner is putting the entire property up for sale so it's basically only a matter of time before I have to get out of here and find somewhere new to live.

I am going to start looking for a much cheaper place to live while I have time to do it.  I mean, whenever this property is sold it still has to go through the process and that takes like a month or so.

I dunno.  Why does this have to be so difficult?

Oh well, time to be off to work.

G'day.

ben

Monday.
Beautiful day in the neighborhood.
Another grinding week of working at a place so far away it's costing me a small fortune in fuel.
Something needs to change.  Driving 50 miles each way to work isn't all that great.
I've slowed down to get better fuel mileage and though a little better, certainly nothing like
what I need it to come to.

Then I have the "Consumers" at my house. A couple that uses electricity like it's free and water as
well.  They were gone for almost 2 months and my electric bill went down by $100 per month.

Well whatever.  Just finances are so tight right now it's on the verge of "oppressive".  I'm even getting more
on my paychecks than I was before coming out here but the extra fuel costs consume that and then some.  Summers are always this way though when the electric use at the house goes way up to keep it cooled down.  I know Mark and Lynnette are diligent, though, about not letting anyone turn the temp in that house down to unreasonable levels on the central AC system.

I would like, actually, to be done with that house and get rid of it, but I wanted to wait a while to see if the market would come back up and it has to a great degree, but not yet enough to have the mortgage on that house paid off and not be left holding anything including serious sent on my credit report.  Well I take that back. Zillow has modified it's results and now it's showing at 186k!  Wow!  That's amazing.  It's come back up over 100 grand in value.  Even if Zillow is off by 5% of whatever, it's still come WAY back up.

Well, that's interesting. I owe around 157K on that property.  I dunno if it would sell for what I owe or not, though.  Some stuff would have to be replaced in that house to bring it's value back up, including a lot of carpet.  So I dunno.

Well, just musing. Not ready to sell yet I have to get caught up on mortgage and I think next month I will be able to do that and get my credit score going back up again.

Time to be off to work.

G'day.

ben

Another interesting day and a blow-up free weekend to boot. Well there were fires but nothing like what has been the last - however many - weekends in a row.

Church was great. Youth that had gone to a church camp were all called up by the pastor and they were asked to keep the fire going that they had received and pray for whosoever would.  But before that, the worship service and seeing Josiah holding his hands up to heaven and Jacob and mom praying with each other was pretty cool.

That was the entire service. Kids praying for adults, the pastor put it that way and that was the way it was.  I decided near the end of it, what the hey, I'll go up and get prayed for.  Intense, kid praying loves the Lord, I could tell that right off and he went on and on and on, lol. But it was cool excepting by the time we were done? Everyone else had left the altar - there were at least 50 people up there when I went up there - and we were the only ones left.  But I can deal with that.

After there, we were heading to GNC - she wanted to get some kind of supplements until she received a call. An older gentleman had planned with her to come and sell her some gold and silver, she apparently forgot.  So, we derailed and headed to a church parking lot some distance away, got that done and over with. Well, interjecting here that 2 older boys were making fun of the 13 year old's - private part.  I'll get back to that in a minute.  Off to Mickey D's for junk food cause' that's what they wanted - off the dollar menu yes  I insisted on that or nothing - back home.

Back to her place.  I'm sitting down to eat and she comes and tells me the 13 year old came up to her crying and saying something about me.  I went up to his room, doors locked, knocked, he wouldn't open.  She came up after I went back down, made him open the door - I didn't try I just knocked if he doesn't want ot talk he doesn't want to talk - she left and I went and talked with him a great length. He thought I was a part of that fun making which I definitely was not.  But I apologized anyway and had the older boys come up and apologize to him too.  Fortunately for him and I, when we went down stairs to eat, there was food left. His mood got considerably better.

Ate, then departed to the gym with Josiah to work out.  I got my $10.91 per month membership and yes, I am going to use it.  We worked out for an hour and a half and went back to the house to find everyone gone.  So, back out again to Sonic to get a drink and then off to the mall to meet up with m'lady and the rest of the clan.  Things went a little sour there, nothing worth going into and nothing with me, her and the kids.

If there was a "bad" part of today, it was the house and the kid's attitude towards it.  I asked them to start cleaning up stuff and there was a very slow response.  I continued to state that bedrooms need cleaned and their bathroom and the living room and kitchen at the very least. When I sat down at the Dish Network DVR and started unhooking it, that was when they got my attention.  Well, I'm taking this thing home with me.  You are going to ignore me and just sit around doing nothing, you can go without tv, thanks, have a nice evening.

It started slow but kicked into high gear and here we go.  I extended my departure time to let them get it done, because if it wasn't? Yup, I was taking that thing home with me and it would sit at my place, useless to them and me, until next weekend.  My point today?  I refused to just start cleaning up and doing it for or with them.  Yes I did some stuff because there is something in me that cannot stand that type of living, but I refrained for the most part and let them do all of it.

That's it. Weekend over.

G'nite.

ben

An act of heroism?  Ummm, hardly.  But this is what some people at work are saying now.  To me, a heroic act is one where you put your own life in danger or do something extra-human that defies science/logic/human ability to do so.  What I did yesterday was none of that.  The only part I didn't know was if there was going to be a fire.  Vehicle rolling around like that, who knows what will happen.  But there was no fire and all I did was open up the door to let them out, console the little girls until they were happy again and just make sure they were okay.

I didn't know what to say to that yesterday after I finally made it back to the yard.  Umm, well not really, just did what anyone else would (or should anyway) do in the same situation.  But, of course as I have lamented  on Facebook - the other drivers in the other vehicles did not bother to stop and help and will leave me scratching my head for some time to come.

The intensity of the day has finally worn off of me.  I think it was the added combination of watching that vehicle sliding all over the place and rolling plus the drivers not stopping plus approaching the vehicle and hearing people screaming and crying that got to me yesterday.

Whatever the case, it's the weekend.  They are 2 days long. They go by so fast it's like they don't exist.  I would like for once, to just sit home and do nothing at all.  Just sit here and watch movies or just lay around. But there is stuff to be done and I will work for at least 4 hours today if not longer, depending on motivation levels and determination to get whatever I start on - done.

So whatever.  Yup, just whatever. Strange times.

ben

Microphone entry.

You don't see things like what I just saw an hour ago every day so I thought I would put in an entry about it to just keep the thing clear in my mind.

I am on interstate 20 heading eastbound towards Monroe Louisiana. There is an SUV about 500 feet up ahead of me. What I saw the next was surreal, something that you just think you will see on videos on YouTube or something.

The vehicle suddenly swerved to the left, went over partially into the center divider which is a huge expanse of grass, and then headed directly towards the right/shoulder side of the Interstate, over-corrected steering, slid sideways off the steep embankment and then rolled twice, landing on it's roof.

It all happened so fast yet  it was like it was in slow-motion. As I slowed the truck mounted to stop and pull over on the side of the road, I noticed three or four other vehicles and I just passed right on by. They slow down and looked and kept right on going as if nothing happened. I just truly shocked me to see these people just take off like that.

Well, I got out of the truck and started running down the steep embankment to get to the vehicle which had landed on its roof of again some trees in the forest. As I was running up there and got close to the vehicle it suddenly hit me that there could be people dead, seriously injured, or who knows what inside of this thing. The sense of foreboding overcame me to the point of fear, but that didn't stop me from getting up to the vehicle to see what kind of carnage there might be inside of it and what I could do to help get them out of it.

Well it became quickly obvious that the doors were not going to work, at least the side doors were trashed. But then I heard some pounding on the rear door window which was so darkly tinted that I could not see inside of it. A woman's voice, screaming while banging on the window "open the door! Get us out of here!" That's the part that gets tears in my eyes, this happened an hour plus ago, I am still trying to process all of this.

Fortunately for all of us, the rear door was not badly damaged and opened right up from the outside latch. Then the sound of little girls voices screaming, there was a divider in the back I cannot see to the front of the vehicle. Perhaps it wasn't any divider, just something just hanging down I don't really remember to be honest.

Mom got out and then got all the three girls out afterwords. But then she went back inside the vehicle to grab shoes for the little girls who were barefooted. She handed me the youngest one to hold and comfort and I gave her a big hug and told all of three of them that that was going to be alright. One of the other girls that was sobbing and crying also wanted a big hug too so we had a little group hug going. 

It was at least 20 minutes before state police showed up to the scene. The driver who was following me from our company, he had a load of pipe on his truck for the same place as well, well I don't know about him. I mean he took his time coming down there after he finally got up to the accident scene. 

Anyway I just continued to console the little girls until they were happy and have big smiles on their faces again. Dad was called to come get them but he was an hour away. I stood there with them until police showed up and then long after that because the police wanted a statement from me of what happened. 

I chatted with the mom and we exchanged information and will become Facebook friends and she said IOU a big dinner at my restaurant. She manages a seafood restaurant in a town that is not too far away from where the accident happened, which was pretty much out in the middle of nowhere.

The thing about this accident is that SUV rolled into such a place that the only way way you could see it is if you happen to be looking at it when you're passing directly by it. 

 

I still stands shocked that all those people just passed by without even going over to make sure that the occupants of the vehicle were okay. How can you do that? How at the end of the day do you live with yourself knowing that there is the potential that those people could've been dead and dying or the vehicle Catches on fire and more hands were needed to get those people out, or who knows what?

Those particular thoughts will stick with me for a long long time. 

People will not understand why a man in cry about a situation where everyone walked away unscathed. It's one of those things where you would have to be there and experience the whole thing from beginning to end.

......And so it was, stepping on a scale yesterday with the weights you move back and forth to determine your weight, I was astounded to find out I am down below 200 pounds!  I didn't think I had lost any weight and hadn't even been trying.  I was at around 214 when I left Phoenix. Yesterday? 196!

18 pounds gone. I was wondering, when I received my new work pants, why they were so loose.  Just didn't think I had lost weight, thought maybe something with their sizes. Size 34 waist was starting to get a little tight back in Phoenix, but now?  Not at all.

I've been wanting to start working out again for a while now, just didn't want to spend the monthly money on a contract.  Until yesterday, when Josiah informed me there is a gym that charges $10.91 per month for unlimited use.  I'm thinking, what kind of place is it that charges that cheap? Old, junk equipment?  So I met up with him at that place after work and was quite surprised at what I saw in there.  New, state-of-the art equipment, no junk.

I know how gyms work.  They sell, sell, sell memberships. People buy them, commit to however long and have the money automatically taken out of their bank accounts.  People go for a week or two and then quit, but are stuck in a membership.  The only way a place that big with that kind of equipment could possibly survive is that they have thousands and thousands of memberships - but only a fraction of them show up.  Cause' honey, if they all showed up at once or even half or even a quarter of them?

Yeah.  So I signed up.  That kind of money out of my account will hardly be noticed at all.  That's a meal at Applebee's - without the drink.  Well that's not even a meal on some of their selections.

I have started to do some blogging on the other account.  It isn't Blogger, you won't find it unless I give the URL and it certainly isn't getting posted on here.  I've given it out to a couple of people, don't mind doing so with others : )

No time left for today, gotta get to work.  Driving to a town called Winnsboro today.  Other side of Louisiana.  A bunch of pipe and materials.

G'day.

ben

What to do.....
Haven't figured that one out yet.
Tuesday.
Mind flirting all over the place.
Too much going on all at once.

People have found this blog.
I know you're there, reading this.
I asked you not to, I don't read yours
for the simple point of being able to
freely express thoughts without
having to worry about my thoughts
possibly causing even more conflict.

Now I guess I have to switch to
one of my old blogs that hardly
anyone knows about for writing
out what's flying around inside my
head.

You do know that this really helps
me?  To sort things out and figure
out next steps and figure out what
I've done right and wrong and
try to change that which needs
changed, improve that which needs
improved and leave that which
doesn't need to be touched,
at least for the moment?

That's why I don't really tell
too many people about this place.
Like a deep, dark woods you are
walking through and all of a sudden
you walk out into a beautiful meadow
filled with flowers and grass and no-one
has ever been there, or if there has,
there are no signs of it.  You sit
in the middle of it and just take it all
in. The stillness of the moment and
connection with God.  Your mind starts
thinking things and you just go into a
trance.

I have actually stumbled upon such
meadows in the past, hence sort of
making a connection between the two.

G'day.

ben

Sitting at a jobsite somewhere down south....,,waiting. We aren't even a week into "his decision"

and already he is regretting it. Talked to him this morning via texting, he is on the verge of going back to what it was before: pure hell on earth. Pleading with me to talk to her to change this, but meeting a dead end road with me.

I can't help you, mom says you made your choice now you are going to have to live with it. Obviously, decisions not exactly going in his favor. He informed me he is likely going to blow up to which I could only answer: that will only make it that much worse for you.

But blow up he will if it continues to go against him, been down this road before, not exactly looking forward to it, though the blow ups will be directed towards her, not me ........which doesn't mean I won't be affected by it. It is hard to imagine why he ever thought this would get better going back to her. If history repeats itself, it definitely won't.

So this week he wanted to go over there today and Wednesday, she said one or the other but not both days which is why he's pissed.  She says he is obsessed with her, I actually agree with her on that one.  It's not healthy, either, it is consuming his life much like a drug or alcohol addiction: you have to have more and more of it and if anything stands in the way, look out!!

I had a long talk with him, he was eluding to switching back again, to which I stated: I am going to let this play itself out. If this turns into the same disaster it was before, and you two are going at it again, you especially grinding on her nonstop, I will simply suggest to both of you that it might be wise to give me the handles again cause' this ain't working out too well. Or, you can ask her yourself since you are the one that started this in the first place.  

    I suppose I could say that he is getting what he deserves, especially after the way he treated me when he decided to switch. But I forced myself to get beyond that, trying to simply keep God and Christ first in all this as much as possible.

So, stepping back and take a look at this realistically?  And asking myself the question where is this headed? Likely disaster. The biggest change that has occurred since I took this over is that boy has become extremely much more respectful towards his mother and his attitude has gotten much better even though he has relapses here and there.

If it does turn back into the hellish nightmare that it was before, it will not only greatly sadden me, but I will also feel like I've just wasted months and months and months of mental anguish and emotional output in attempting to get this particular problem turned around and headed into the right direction.

It is hard to fathom putting all that energy and thought plain out work into just one of these situations and then have it come crashing back into my face the same as it was before I started. 

Well.
Got up this morning, had my coffee and shower, got the kids up - they like coming over here for whatever reasons I don't know, I guess different scenery and something different to do and then headed over to her place and then we all loaded up into one of her vans and headed off to church.

At church, the worship service was intense - God's presence often times brings tears to my eyes.  I can't explain so I won't try, but definitely not in a bad way, experiencing His presence is better than anything this earth/world has to offer. But then I saw the communion plates come out with the blood and the flesh.  Okay, the grape juice and the bread, but it's symbolic of Christ's crucifixion and what it means to us.  That worried me.  I separated the boys between me, they go to regular church on Sunday, the younger ones are all in children's church.

I thought wow, this isn't good. Unforgiveness between these two and sitting here in church about to take Communion.  No. I can at least try right now.  So I did.  I spoke into both their ears - nothing long but to the point: forgiveness.  They both nodded yes and then I moved out of the way and one stepped to the other and they did their version of it and it was done.  That made me feel better.  I dunno if it was enough, but it will have to suffice for now, as the youth pastor called m'lady tonight and told her that a position became open for the church camp going on wherever this week and so Jacob can go (the 14 year old boy).  So tomorrow morning, he is being taken to the church and then off to summer camp and that gives a reprieve between these two boys to calm down, get it out of their minds and have some separation.

As it stands, Josiah was definitely coming over last night.  "I need to get out of here" and from previous "engagements" before I came out here, I knew that was the best thing to happen. Get them apart from each other and mom doesn't have to deal with a catastrophe.

Well whatever. I have to start on that master bedroom.  I know, marriage seems a long ways off, but maybe not. God can work things out in situations though I still need that reassurance that everything is headed in the right direction and that it is a permanent thing, not something that is in a part of a vicious cycle, like it is right now. We're in the "good" phase of the cycle, which so far has been followed by a completely disastrous part of the cycle which needle dives straight to the bottom on and the complete opposite side of it.  I have to hope and rely on my God.  That's what I have to say about it.

But let me just say here, this whole thing for me isn't just about one kid or two.  I have a 7, 9, 10 and 13 year old that also want a lot of attention beyond the other, older 2 boys.  The 13 year old, at least at the moment, follows me around like a puppy dog following a new master.  I love you Ben.  You are my best friend. Stuff like that.  I mean constantly. Uhh, yeah, it's good to be loved by whoever, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, not at all.  I've lived for 9 years without much love from anyone besides my parents.  I know, it will change.  It will change but with that particular boy, it's a good opportunity to build a relationship with him while the opportunity is there.  The teen cycle.  Goes through a lot of phases.  The 9 year old girl - who was standoffish at first and now?  Plops herself down on my lap and grabs my hand when going into stores and hugs me all the time. She is an absolutely beautiful little girl and I know in the future that is going to be a problem.  But maybe not, with the right input.  I'm not her daddy - but since daddy has abrogated his position in their lives to a great degree - I will take that position in her life if she wants it and I will deal with it accordingly.  Any boy wanting to date her is going to go through me first.  She is getting from me what her dad isn't giving her at all: attention and unconditional love.

The 7 year old?  No way. At first she frowned at me - every visit in fact.  Wanted nothing to do with me.  I'm serious. But I wasn't pushy or anything, just let it take it's own course.  I'm not her daddy, but - well you know if you've read this blog for any length of time about that -  girls need their dads.  If they don't get that attention from their dad, yes, another dude showing up and loving on mom and showing that love in front of all of them (which he didn't do) and kissing and hugging her and sitting next to her on the couch and holding hands? Yeah.  She is always smiling for me now, she is also a beautiful little girl who will undoubtedly also be a handful in her teen years.  But it's all good.

Oh, and for my friends that read here that also are friends on Facebook, my latest video on there shows a glimpse of the 14 year old.  He's the one shooting the spray.  I was going to do it - but I was afraid! LOL!  I know  what a wasp sting is like and it's not just one sting, at least my experience! OUCH and double OUCH!  No thanks.  He said no, I will do it! I will get stung but it's okay! NO, I said, just spray a short burst and get in the house!  I knocked out about 20 wasp/yellow jacket nests today and there are plenty more to go.  It's a strange experience to walk into a garage through the giant door and walking underneath several nests of yellow jackets.  Everyone ignoring them like they don't exist and the first time? I'm terrified.  I got to the point where I was not paying attention to them, but in my mind? KILL them, let them make there nests ANYWHERE else BUT the house!

Well here I am, pounding out another entry and yet too late to be doing so.  This lifestyle is something that I don't know I will ever get used to. My work schedule needs to change and it ain't going to happen where I'm at now.  It's 10 hour days and with the pay cut I took coming here, that's the only thing that's holding my financial world together right now.  Without the 2 hours overtime, every day, I'm screwed as far as my personal life goes and getting back at around 6 and then by 8 I'm ready to head back here to my little abode to sit down, relax and get my mind ready for sleep. 3 day weekends. Like the never existed, they disappear so fast.

Finally?  I've eaten my feelings, took the path of Christ as much as I could and Josiah and I are back on good terms.  Yes, as I predicted, he is already regretting his decision. Didn't take long.  I got him as much time with his girl as reasonably could be expected in such a situation.  He apparently didn't understand that, I guess. I dunno, but it is what it is. I just rather build a relationship with him and if that means not having decision making on his visits with that girl, then so beit, but I tried to do the best I could while trying to preserve the peace within the family.  Uhhhhh, yikes. I could say more but I hope it won't come to pass, cause' if it does, we are going to be back where this was months ago with him and that is not something I want to have to deal with. It was going up on the good side and he was really doing much better even though attitude recently showed up.  Attitude was much worse before.  I talked to him tonight texting after I left and after all was said and done, I just told him I wanted us to be cool with each other regardless of the situation that is going on.  He agreed and said same.

Well, time to get to bed.  Long day tomorrow, lots to do.  Driving the semi this week- with all new brakes and components and tires and straps and yeah, that makes me happy to drive it!  : )

G'nite.

ben

Is there any way to stop it?
I dunno.
A 14 going on 15 year old boy and a 16 year old boy, both of them have various stages of attitude going on at any given time, both of them have various forms of frustrations going on their lives that they are going to vent in some way or another, both of them landing some serious accusations against each other.

But last night? Pure, unpolluted and unbelievable anger and rage. I mean, if I hadn't literally jumped in the middle of it, there would have been a fist fight and with that kind of anger? I have no idea how it would have ended, not pretty that's for sure.  I can't be there all the time, I am 99% sure at some point this fight is going to take place and there is going to be bloodshed and there isn't much I can do about it.

I have an idea of sitting them down together, face to face, and having a meeting of the minds with them to have them air out their offenses with - me - sitting there playing defense/interference - to try and get them to keep calm and not start up again.  That is the only thing I can think of to at least try.  But I know if I even try something like that - there will be a problem in actually trying to get things to go the way I would like to steer them because she will undoubtedly start in and take over.  So it kind of defeats the purpose before it ever began.

I dunno, but this situation just cropped up this week as well, with one calling the other's girlfriend a f****** slut and all kinds of obscenities and garbage being hurled from one to the other and back again from the other to the one.  I had no fear last night getting in the middle of that, my fear is when either I or she is gone and hearing the aftermath of a fight that probably will end up with broken bones and God only knows what else.

Well, time to get ready for church.  And praying about this today and attempting to get a God-resolution for it.  One can wish and hope, anyway.

G'day.

ben

So work day Saturday.
I have so many mixed emotions and things running through my mind right now, it's hard to .... process.... all of this. The boy that hated me and expressed his disgust for me to everyone some time ago before I moved out here has had a total change of heart.  He follows me around and - is obviously looking for the kind of attention he doesn't get from a particular person in his life that should be giving it to him. If you want your kids to grow up to be healthy, normal, sane human beings, the male side of the equation better be able to say I love you, show you the love and live it on a daily basis.  If you have kids and you can't do that?  You aren't going to like the eventual outcome.  In fact, it will come back to haunt you.  I gave my son unlimited, unreserved and complete love when he was growing up. That's what I can say.  I love you son, give him hugs, talk with him, have good times.

I was working with him today.  Josiah was fixing a huge portion of fencing down at the bottom of the huge pasture.  Jacob was off with mom and 2 girls getting stuff.  Andrew was supposed to be working but was watching TV.  He's a good kid, really, but having access to TV now has him a bit distracted.  Nathan - his real name is Nathanael but I can't deal with 3 syllable names that I have to say frequently, well I dunno, I can deal with it I just call him Nathan.  No-one there has ever called him that so it took everyone a while to accept it. Except Nathan, lol.  I call him that and everyone still says Nathanael and no-one tries to correct me and I don't care what anyone wants to call him.

We went to cut down dead trees for firewood for the coming winter.  Yes it's a ways off but you want to get it done, because m'lady relies heavily on her fireplace to heat the bottom floor of the house.  Plus you cut down a tree and cut it into logs - you still have to split the wood.  That's one of Josiah's jobs.  Regardless we did three large Oak trees and then found nothing else worth cutting - though those trees and hauling them to the pile for splitting firewood took quite some time anyway.  We walked the entire property looking for anything but Pine trees to cut down.  There is some stuff down but it's rotten.  Too old.  It needs to be hauled to the burn pile.

Uhhh, like the rest of the family, he talks a lot.  Mom talks, they all talk. We sat down on an old log and I just heard him out.  Asked a lot of questions.  Got a lot of answers.  I can't get a full picture of this entire story without getting everyone's input.  I can't take one person out of all of this and say, okay, I have the whole picture. Children often see things in a way that adults cannot and sometimes very revealing.  So it was, it was a good conversation, was glad to have had it with him.  I've pretty much heard out everyone, but there is so much that isn't revealed.  I don't know about stuff, I can't ask questions about things I don't know about and children don't think like that.  If you ask them about something specific, then yes, you will get their version of an answer.

Well at the end of that conversation, funny how things work out in life - we were done and then I get a text. His 19 year old sister not living at the house wants to come take him to the mall.  Okay! Let's get with it.  That sister is very rude to me.  She despises me because I am there.  She hates that her dad and mom got divorced and so I am a disease that needs to be eradicated. She shows up, gets out of her car, completely ignores me and - yeah.  Well, Nathan had asked mom for 5 bucks and she didn't have any cash on her.  So I got distracted by something I don't remember what - if you want to find a universe of things to distract you, just go over there and get involved with all of that going on, your brain is going miles per minute trying to absorb it all, process it and come up with answers and solutions to petty/minor/serious/major things.  I didn't say anything to him because I didn't know if I had any cash on me, I had changed into jeans and my shorts had whatever in it.  You don't work out in the kind of brush that is out there where the trees are that we were cutting down - you just don't.

So I'm talking to Jacob - he has serious issues but anyway - they took off out of the house.  Dang, I said, I had  just  found the 5 I had in my pocket that I thought I had there in my pocket. Jacob goes running to the door: hey, Nathanael, Ben wants to give you some money!  Stopped him in his tracks cause' I wasn't far behind and the way these kids say things, lol.  Well he comes right back and so does the sister, with the .... look ..... on her face.  I'm telling you, someday I'm going to have words with her.  I don't really want to but she's pushing it.  ATTITUDE, serious.  She doesn't like what's going on, I'm sorry, don't take it out on me, m'lady is not going back to the man, I can tell you that.

Let's pass some time here, this is all today, btw.  This is a "typical" day.  It goes on and on and on.  It is never-ending.

It is late, there is much more, but I want to pound out the keys for this particular thing that happened tonight before I leave this entry. My emotions are all over the place.  I can't describe it.  Not been here.  Different land.

So, I'm talking to m'lady and a lot even to go into all of that, the 2 conversations with 2 teenagers with her and them, everything.  We got done with both of them - one at a time in the room one at a time - I'm talking to her and then I start to hear yelling.  Serious yelling coming from downstairs.  I mean, sounding like people about to hurt each other type of screaming yelling that you just don't hear every day.  I run downstairs.  It was - scary.  They were yelling at each other - Josiah and Jacob - and they were going to fight and it was a violent anger that was coming out.  I missed the part of Jacob taking a blind hit to Josiah and sending him to the floor, I jumped in the middle of the rest of it, this is not happening, not when I'm there.
But I wasn't yelling at either of them.  Reason,  They aren't going to throw blows with me int between them, that's guaranteed.  But I didn't come off like that, I just knew in my mind I am big enough to stop them both at  the same time if I have to.  Josiah had his fist and arm up, Jacob speaking foulness to him.  Jacob was not hearing anything, but I know Josiah. Yeah, he has attitude but there is a tender hear in there somewhere, I spoke to that heart in very soft tones and he backed off.

I can't finish this, I wish I could.  It's after midnight, the hours I have been keeping are unreal, for me anyway, not anything like before I moved out here and I need the Lord's strength to keep this up and see this through.

ben

Well it's been a while since I posted on here, I have either not had the time (mostly) or been just too tired (sometimes, I usually can find the energy to click out an entry regardless of how fatigued I am).

So much has happened. So much mental and emotional energy.

The biggest thing this week happened yesterday.  Josiah was talking with mom earlier this week - of what I had no clue and was kept in the dark.  I was informed that he wanted to have a talk with me in his mom's presence.  I asked a lot of questions and got the runaround.  Well what is the purpose of this conversation? What is going on here?

We had some pretty long texting sessions but I never got much of anything out of it. The day before this conversation on Wednesday, feeling uneasy about whatever it was he wanted to dump on me, it was obviously not going to be pleasant and I was wondering if I wanted to be subjected to a 16 year giving me grief.  I reluctantly agreed to it, but asked him to be nice, I have feelings and emotions too, I'm not a machine.  He said yeah, it's not that bad, I just need to get something off my chest.

Okay. So yesterday arrives.  I go over there after work, we have a bite to eat, m'lady, Josiah and I go up to Josiah's room, we sit on his couch and he lays down on his bed.  What came after that out of his mouth was painful, hurtful and some of derogatory, hateful and very much antagonistic in nature.  He said it in calm tones and he didn't blow up - mostly because I was seriously biting my lip.  I was shocked, literally, at the depth and tone of his complaints against me and further unbelieving that she knew much of what he was going to go into and hadn't warned me about it first.  Yes, I had asked early this week because that is when I found out and that is when it became obvious the two had been talking.

I'm not going to relive his words by writing them here, I just am not.  Very hurtful words.  I just had such a hard time with it because we had a pretty good relationship going - all up until that girl came into his life and then his attitude started going south and he is, at this point, obsessed with this girl.  Therein lies the problem. Nothing can get in the way of it.  Nothing. When something does, he has a cow, literally I mean it gets bad.  My words cannot describe the anger and even hateful speech that comes out of his mouth when anything - even a request to do something that will take all of 2 minutes to perform - is asked and she is there with him. He goes ballistic.  Or if he makes plans - without asking permission - and then expects that his plan is going to be honored regardless of what is going on or any life situations are brought forth.

Regardless, the end result is that he doesn't want me dealing with him and his girlfriend and the requests anymore.  That has been dumped back onto mom.  I mean, in one fell swoop this all happened and left me reeling. Not that he wanted to have his mom responsible for the decisions, but the way he went about trashing me and talking s*** and even to the point of attempting to inform me how to "love" his mother.  Consider the source, right?  Yes but I am a mere human being, people talking like that to me would normally illicit a reaction right back into their face - and oohhhhhh yes, I could have given it right back to him in a thousand different ways.  But I kept silent for the most part, mostly in awe (not in a good way) of how he was talking to me and also because she had not given me the information as soon as she had heard it so that I could have at least prepared my mind, heart and spirit for what was to come.

However. He will soon find out that in life, "be careful what you wish for".  It became apparent that he thinks she will give him much more leeway, but the exact opposite is definitely true.  In reality, I give him more than she ever wants to give him.  In fact, he will find out this week.  Well, in fact, he has already found out.

We went to the lake today. My idea earlier this week - though after last night I woke up this morning not even wanting to get out of bed, much less take a group of kids and m'lady to a lake and have "fun".  It will take days - at least - for me to get this out of my system the stuff he said to me last night and deal with it and move on.  We went - I was in a bad mood, quite honestly. Very bad mood.  Having fun at the bottom of any of my lists.  Stay home and try to work through this in my inner man, more like it.  Well we go pick up his girlfriend, she doesn't even acknowledge either of us as she gets into the rather enormous 15 passenger van.

Get to the lake and get going.  Get into the water - not too murky water and perfect temperature, I was amazed.  It didn't really change my mood but at least a temporary distraction.  Which lasted not very long as we basically had a terse conversation - lady and I - about Josiah and what happened last night.  I won't go into the details, it's kinda personal but we talked through it, out in the deep water hanging onto a floating pier that had been built for people to come and sit on or jump off of at their pleasure.  I just dumped it on her because - I was mad honestly - she hadn't told me anything and I felt like I had been ambushed - here he is, he's already got it in his mind that you are now over him, I want nothing to do with it. Make the decisions, deal with him yourself, he is two handfuls and I don't think you are really capable of it, since you handed him over to me to begin with.

But I got past that, it is really Josiah I have the issue with and he undoubtedly thinks what he says was perfectly fine. Laying things out straight, as he says it, with people is not always the best thing to do.  Regardless, Josiah did get to get dropped off at gf's home tonight but was informed that tomorrow? He will have to fix the pasture fence on the side where the houses have been built.  Saturday is one of his issues - he works 50 hours a week, why does he have to spend his "only" day off working?  Well, he has 2 days off but has this excuse that because he has to go to church for 2 hours on Sunday, it isn't a day off. Yes, this is the mentality I have been working with and FAR worse than that, in reality.

I heard the end of this conversation - he was pissed.  I said nothing.  After a - fun day - I forced myself into fun mode with the kids because they were having a blast and I didn't want to be the wet blanket to bring everyone down and eventually did start having some fun horse-playing and such - we drove back.  He popped up front and said to mom: I've made my decision.  I didn't hear the whole conversation that had pissed him off because I was busy outside of the van getting my feet cleaned so I could put my shoes on.  He wanted to go to the party tonight, work tomorrow and go to her house on Sunday. She said yes, he can go tonight, has to stay home tomorrow and work and Sunday she hadn't made up her mind.

Later on I asked her what her decision was going to be - curiosity since this weekend I had been the decision maker all the way up until yesterday, attempting to decide what to allow the boy to have and not to have.  But his attitude has totally sucked and I would have probably said no to Sunday - or cut it way short.  She said no, she "probably" won't let him go at all.

If she lets him to with her after all that has happened on Sunday, I am just simply going to tell her he is her son, make the decisions, please do not ask me for any further input, I can't keep doing this.  I have to preserve some dignity and his lack of respect and outrageous attitude? I am not going to continue to be subjected to.  He needs a major attitude adjustment.

This situation pretty much consumed the entire week.  I mean seriously. Today physically took it out me - in the water all day long.  This week has spiritually and emotionally drained me.  Their church does not cut it with me, either.  It has a nice pastor, he has some interesting messages, but it is nothing like the "meat of the Word" that I was getting at the church in Tempe.  It's a large church, nothing that particularly interests me, they have very few altar calls - to simply come up and get prayed for - that really doesn't set well with me and they don't really operate in the prophetic.  To each his own, a church that doesn't have all of that isn't really anything that does much for me.

I walked into the house today - to find a total disaster.  Kitchen, living room, bedrooms.  I pretty much went into despair after this ordeal with Josiah and saw the house again in that situation this morning and just threw up hands up. Said nothing to anyone about it.  Keep the house a total disaster.  Do whatever.  Understand that I am not even thinking about marriage and moving in there in a place that is turned into s*** that fast.  The reason I went into despair is because she listened to some dude giving a message about blended families and apparently thinks that she has to be the decision maker in all things concerning kids and that I guess I should just sit there and do - what - nothing?  Just live in filth and squalor, created by untrained kids who disrespect authority more often than not and don't care how they treat the living space they are given?  Just shut my mouth forever and live and deal with it?

NOT.  Look where the decision making has gotten that household so far.  My efforts would take a while to have effect, but I am confident with enough time and consistency, I could get them to come around.  Now? Oh well.  Whatever.  I'll get past this but if she wants to wear the pants in the family, that isn't going to work. Think I have said that on here before, but I will repeat it as frequently as my inner man brings it up to me.  I am not a passive man.  I do not sit around in a family having the other half telling me and everyone else what to do and when to do it.  I can go half way and meet in the middle to some extent, but sitting  around like a pantie-waste is a notion I have not even a remote idea of entertaining, especially for commitment as big as marriage and considering a lifetime of it. NOT.

Yes, I proposed marriage but yes, a marriage date at this point is indefinite.  No-one is going to pressure me into finishing this off until I am confident that this situation is reversing and coming around - in a serious, palpable and clearly defined manner. That something in my spirit clicks and says yes, now is the time to start talking about a date.

3 day weekend.  Today at the lake, totally exhausted.  Not sure about tomorrow.  I feel like I am wasting my time at this point in trying to fix up her house and get it presentable and a nice place to live.  Josiah's task tomorrow will take all day long.  I may go out there and help him. Yeah I know, sounds ridiculous.  I feel the need to at least try and work through this.  7 or 8 hours of working on a fence with him might prove fruitful.  Yep. That particular stretch of fencing - which is around 800 feet long - has been problematic with cows getting out and it needs a good fix and it's going to take an entire day to do it. 4 hands will get it done quicker.

Whatever the case, I refuse to sit in a house with garbage (literally household type garbage), clothing and whatever else laying around all over the place on the floors and everywhere else for that matter and just sit there and "take it". I will go outside and either sit out there or find something to do and when the subject finally comes up.  I am not going to clean up after kids.  They can clean up their own mess and if I no longer have any say in it, then she can tell them to do it, which obviously - she has not.

I am not trying to trash her, I love her and that's a fact.  To go into the events in her life that have led up to this would take a LOT of writing and is far too personal for me to write here.  It just wouldn't be right to do that, so I am not.

Well I am tired and finally at least getting something on here.

G'nite.

ben