I'm glad I am getting 5 days off starting after work Friday.  I am not going to Arizona.  I likely am not going anywhere.  Of all the things that have happened this week, finding out today, just a while ago actually, that my dad has full blown Alzeheimer's was a blow that I wasn't prepared for.  Not only that but he has a heart problem that causes his heart rate to go abnormally high - it was at 180 a few weeks ago and he ended up in the hospital.

I wrote up an email for extended family members.  My dad just disappeared a couple of years ago to most everyone, though I was still receiving cards from him and then....that just disappeared.  Anyway, I'm copying and pasting what I wrote to them earlier instead of writing all that again here:

"After a year and a half of not hearing from dad (David), I finally got to talk to him on the phone today.
It was a pleasant conversation and from his side of things, he is doing well, still likes to do his writing, gets around with a cane but still mobile.  They finally found a church that they like.  He sounded good, just like old times.  

However, when he handed the phone back to Millie, a much different story surfaced.  The last time I had talked to dad, he said the doctor had told him he had some form of dementia.  Unfortunately and sadly, he has full blown Alzheimer's, which kinda shocked me after having that conversation with him.  Millie stated that his short term memory is basically non-existent and that he likely has already forgotten about talking to you (me).  

That was a bit hard to take.  Dad no longer does email or Facebook or even uses a computer apparently.  Millie is taking care of him and they have 2 ladies that come and help with doing house keeping and some outside work.  3 weeks ago, his heart rate escalated to 180 beats per minute and they have him on some sort of medication to deal with it, which has brought it down.  

That's the gist of dad's health, but still, he sounded good on the phone at least. (last paragraph cut out, had his phone number and address info)."


 It's only Wednesday.  What else might be coming down the pike?  Hey, I got some good news this week so it's not all bad.  I mean, at least my dad is being well taken care of even though his wife got testy with me right off the bat when I called.  She is not a fan of our side of the family and said "everyone has our number and address".  Uh, no, Millie, we don't.  I only had dad's cell phone number and now I know that he just doesn't use his phone, doesn't do emails anymore and doesn't get on Facebook.  I lost your address and everyone is wondering how dad is doing.  

Well, I've had that number for 35 years and our address hasn't changed!  Sorry, Millie, no-one has that phone number, we all had dad's cell phone number and no one knows your address, either.  She handed the phone to dad and the after talking for quite a while with him - it was good to hear his voice but while I was having that conversation with him, I did not know he had Alzheimer's and he sounded remarkably good to me so there is that - and, at least his long term memory is still intact so he remembers who I am.  I know, we all have to go somehow, but some ways of going, I think, are better than others.  Just get killed instantly.  No suffering, just gone.  

I guess we don't get to choose that now do we?  

I don't believe I discussed the home loan modification. I was going to yesterday but something overwhelmed me about my uncle's death and I just quit writing.  I didn't know home very well so not a lot of grieving, just kinda sad that our family lines are so disjointed and separated.  

Anyway, I sent in docs last week to start the evaluation for a home loan modification.  I figured, why not?  Not going to cost me anything and can't hurt to try.  I'm pretty much into getting costs reduced to whatever I can.  I figured  if I do a modification, I'm going to lose 5 years worth of payments - but - if the reduction in the monthly payment is enough, I will do it anyway. I would be 77 years old by the time I paid off that house and I am not even sure I will be around that long.  I just want to keep the setup I have over there with the landlords and get enough paid off that maybe eventually I can sell it and get some equity out of it.  

So, they sent me multiple emails: please call us, yada  yada yada.  I was on my way back from Alexandria, a near 2 hour drive so I figured to get the misery over with. I absolutely abhor calling my mortgage company for a variety of reasons.  I had to go through a question and answer session that went on for 45 minutes.  I had to give my expenses.  They listed off my credit expenses - apparently ran a credit report, which sucks because my credit is already bad but once this gets the payments current, my credit rating will go back up after a year or so.

Anyway, after all of that, I waited - and waited for this lady to go through all the screens she had to go through on her computer to come up with any kind of offer. Yes, we have an offer. It's HAMP - Home Affordable Modification Program. You have a hardship, you can qualify.  My hardship has always been my work playing games with my hours, starting in 2008 during the housing bubble and fluctuating since then. I want my credit up there again, I would really like to get a decent pickup truck and yes, I wouldn't mind making the payments if they aren't too high. You can only do that with a good credit rating.  It takes at least a year for it to come up.  I've heard anyway.

Whatever the case, she quoted a greatly reduced interest rate, much lower than what I have now.  I wondered, wow, what is that going to do for my monthly payment?  $300 bucks per month, that's what.  I'm all in for that.  If I had been paying 15 years on the loan, different story.  Would have had to be better than that to give up that much.  I took it. Still have paperwork to fill out and a "trial" period, but I make the payment every month, just that it's behind.  Not to mention I don't have to make a payment in June, it starts in July and the payment has to be received by or on the 1st.  

My starter  for the Polaris came in today and hopefully the other parts show up in the next day or two so i can take the thing apart, install the parts and hopefully, walaah, have a good unit again.  

It's some strange stuff. What's going on that is.  

I may just stay home this vacation.  I'm just not sure yet.  I'm one of those kinds of people that I can make last minute decisions on vacation time and alter my plans on a moment's notice.  I could just drive down the road, go to a hotel and just spend some time alone.  

Time up for today's writings. 

I am overwhelmed with grief for a man I only knew through reading his internet postings.  He was one of my uncles.  I only encountered him a few times and that was before I was 10 years old.  I read his Facebook postings - he kept a blog-like posting of things that were happening to him as the disease advanced.  https://www.facebook.com/bill.barkley.98

His beloved doggy died suddenly on him last month, he had posted and pics of him with the dog. Dogs bring out things in us human folks.  That is a fact.  You see the pic and you might understand what I am saying.

That's uncle Bill.  The thing that gets me about this photo?  This looks exactly like my dad, of whom I haven't spoken with in over a year and I have absolutely NO idea how he is doing. I finally got their phone number and have been calling and calling and calling, with no answer.  Ugh. I want to see my dad. I don't have good feelings about his situation.

Uncle Bill posted that picture last month. When I read what happened with the doggy dying, the thought came to my mind: he won't be with us next month. I have been hearing futuristic events about my and other people's lives since I was a teenager.  I distinctly remember this: He's going to die next month - it was pictured in my mind in huge words like you would see on a billboard. How do you tell people that stuff? You just don't. Why do these things even come to me? Well, this one about someone's death isn't a daily occurrence.

I want to take a pause in life and say, okay, I need to deal with this and move on.  And if it were immediate family, I would.  I've been having a bad feeling about my dad for a few months now.  But nothing like the words flowing through my head about my uncle.

I have to get away from here.  I need the solitude that the excursions to the mountains used to give me. There are no mountains around here.

For all the things that happened today, I just can't anymore with this.

I posted somewhat about this before the divorce.
This dude calling Valerie on a daily basis - while we were still married.
Well, I find out today, she's married to him.

You didn't read that wrong.  She has already remarried and to this dude she was allegedly only "talking to" on the phone.  I asked her at the time: have you been having sex with him?   The fact that she could remarry what amounts to a total stranger in such a short time. Conversely, the fact that she was basically dating this dude before we got divorced. It will be a good thing that I don't ever happen upon them together in public somewhere.  For if that happens, there will be a confrontation.  I didn't say violence, don't read what I didn't say, but there will be a verbal confrontation and it won't be pleasant.

 Not seeking any of this out, I just don't ever want to see them together, for in my world, that is an extremely bad, evil and deceitful thing to do.  I don't wonder if I couldn't get a lawyer to sue on this.  I consider this marital unfaithfulness and I have a solid case for damages.  She is rich now, she apparently got a retirement lump sum and she  has sold her house and already moved to the new property.  I helped her sell that house.  I spent my own money on paint and materials to make that place look as presentable as possible without spending a fortune on it.

Whatever.  I may dwell on this to some extent in the next coming days. Natural human response, wouldn't you say?

I got my 8 hours in today, left at 3pm, drove to - what I couldn't find the address. It was leading me to the police department but this is a private company.  Well I tried a different map and it had the same ending.  So, I went into police headquarters and lo and behold, there was a sign in the lobby with the name of the company on it and a lady sitting on a couch - no-one else there - asking me if I was there for fingerprinting.  Yup, I am.  I'm early too. No matter, she replied, other clients aren't here.  It took about 15 minutes to complete.  Thumbs.  Fingers.  Each finger including a side print.  They got me in their system, but then again, they've had me in their system since I was 13 years old.

 Now it's a waiting game up to 3 months to actually get the license.  Not a big hurry. I don't have a handgun that will work for concealed carry and I don't want to open- carry.  I was given several names of guns for consideration by the officer that conducted the course, I will look into it once I get the license.

As I predicted a while back when I went to the doc's and they charged me a $108 office visit fee claiming I hadn't paid my deductible for the year yet, most of that money was refunded without my ever asking for it.  That's because a deductible doesn't include the doctor visit fee.  But I didn't want to argue with the lady, I just paid it and expected a refund check later on, which I received on Friday.

It's Sunday already, where did the weekend go? Oh, yes, spent yesterday riding the 4 wheeler and doing fun things.  Today I"m doing much of nothing.  I like to take a full day off during the weekend just lazing around unless there is something intereting to do . I am sure there are interesting things to do, I  just don't feel like it.  Was out in the sun yesterday, no shade ad though I amn ot complaining and yes I had sun screen on, it took it out of me and today is a nothing day.  Well, I did order the rest of the parts to fix the steering column issue on the 4 wheeler and then I also had to order a new starter for it - which was cheap, I was almost shocked.

And yesterday, I got a brand new battery for it - for nothing.  The warranty had expried on it and the guy at the parts store said nope, you'll have to pay for a new one.  I said, well, okay.  When he went to fill in the information on the computer, it shot back some screen saying something different.  He then came back with a battery, had me sign a paper and that was that. $90 worth of a small battery for free.  I was happy about that one for sure.

The replacement parts are cheap for the steering column, however, the repair itself means removing the radiator to get at it.  And from experience with this 4 wheeler, nothing is ever as easy as it "should" be.  Working on the thing has it's therapuetic effect on me, however.

Meanwhile, recent applications I have sent out I have heard nothing back from.  Not the  end of my world but I can't remember sending out other applications and not getting some kind of response from the company.  I'm wondering  if my work is hindering it.

I've got a new list of local tanker outfits that haul fuel that I'm going to apply at if they don't have "recent tanker experience required" listed, I may try anyway just for fun, you never know where you might catch a break.

In other news, my dad's wife somehow got a hold of my son's phone number and contacted him.  I have been trying to get a hold of my dad for over a year now.  No exaggeration, it's been well over a year since I last heard anything from him.  Now I know why he never answered his phone or replied to my messages left to me: he doesn't have a personal phone anymore.  I don't understand that and I haven't called over there yet.  His current wife doesn't like any of us boys, my brothers worse than I but still.  She was annoyed with my son saying why don't we ever write or call?  Umm, yeah.  I didn't have his address, his phone number was shut off, he didn't reply to emails or facebook inquiries, I couldn't even get my uncles to reply to me much less give me any info they had.  I tried to figure out which house was theirs on Zillow but I had no luck with that either.

I'm likely going to call today, I just don't want to get into it with his wife.  She's thrown him out over the years several times and I just don't have much respect for her.

My son's birthday is Tuesday.  Hopefully I got a card out to him in time.  If not, the Harkins Theatre gift card should arrive tomorrow.  He's interim in Phoenix right now, I don't know what his next move is.  He believes he will be in Japan within the next 2 years.  That's like, a permanent move there as far as he's concerned.

I went to the Post Office yesterday to try and fill out an application for a passport.  But, the Post Office is closed on Saturdays.  Oh well.  Next week I have Monday through Wednesday off, with it being Memorial Day and asking for a couple extra days off.  I will go on Tuesday and get it done.  I don't have the photos I need anyway.  Tomorrow I have the appointment for finger printing at 3:50 pm.  I go to work at 7am, I should be able to get off at 3 and get my 8 hours in and make it easily in time.  The truck is loaded for tomorrow morning delivery, but it's only 30 miles to the jobsite.  That will ony take a couple of hours.  And usually, if there is a long run, they aren't sending you on it too late in the day unless it's an emergency. AS much as I want the OT, I would have to hand it off ot someone else.

Well, anyway, my dad is pressing on my mind.  I have a feeling things are not good with him. Last time I talked to him he mentioned that the doc had stated he has some dementia.  I don't know how he is, I don't know how well he's being taken care of, I know literally nothing excepting that he is alive and that they sought me out to have a contact for this side of the family "in case something happens" as my son stated it.  I would really like to go down and visit him, but it's such hostile territory.  Their entire family is opposed to us, as evidenced by the visits I made there in the past during holidays.  The only thing that helped was the last time I was there: they were very drunk and that actually made them more amenable to my son and I being there.  They had consumed a very large bottle of Crown Royal and a large bottle of vodka along with beer and wine.

I guess that's enough for one entry. Lots of pondering and thinking going on here.

At work today, I took a spool out to a jobsite, which took very little time.  Meanwhile, the pothead had been loading the semi all morning long.  Hours worth of work.  I got back to the yard and he was gone and they handed me the tickets - the truck is loaded and strapped down, ready to go.  Oh?  Where is Eddie?  Well they came running out when he was about to leave and told him he had been red-flagged to go take a breathylizer test.

I think it's his 8th drug test since he came back.  So, I got in the truck and drove off! lol The dude had been smoking in there yet again. Anyway, I have 90 hours for this pay period if I only work 8 hours the next 2 days, so at least I have something much better coming than the 80 garbage. Likely they'll try to keep me at 8 and no problem, they cop finished on my gun and I need to drive down there and get it.

I left my pistol with the LTC course director - who is also a city cop - who said he is a - some title that isn't quite a gunsmith but still has a license to do work on certain guns including my Sigma .40 S&W. He said the trigger was quite stiff - which I completely agreed with and have been wanting it modified for some time.  He said he could do it. The guy is an absolute gun nut.  Which is not unlike my deputy Sheriff next door neighbor who also owns a plethora of guns and spend inordinate amounts of time at the shooting range.  I haven't seen the man in at least 2 weeks, though I think he's trying to stay out of sight after some - interesting - events occurring with his rather spoiled child that runs amok causing mild forms of trouble all over the place.

He was a bit surprised to find out there is a finger printing place in my town.  Yes, I said, but the soonest appointment I could make is this coming Monday.  But no biggies, saves me from having to drive well out of my way otherwise to get it done.  Considering the lengthy time to get the background check done, no big hurry.  Interesting character to talk to though.

Anyway, yes I have fingerprinting - again - on Monday, even though DPS already has extensive finger prints just submitted less than 2 months ago.  Ridiculous.  Won't those just show up on their background check? Of course they will, why do they need more?  Whatever. Appointment made, will do my best to get to it on time.  Latest available is 3:50 pm, meaning having to get off work at 3:15.  Which will work since I start work at 7am next week and getting off at 3 would be 8 hours regardless.

The only other "pressing" thing - which really isn't pressing at all - is getting the 4 wheeler finished being put back together before Saturday morning.  Jsut screws and plastic pieces.  I'll have to take the front end off eventually to fix the bearing on the steering shaft, but it works perfectly well just makes a lot of noise.  Spraying oil into it didn't do anything for it.  Got the tire done today.  I have taken it to the shop twice to have it installed correctly, the tread facing the wrong direction.  Today was the 3rd time and I demanded they do it right this time and for free.  Which they did.

Well, I guess my break from filling out applications needs to end.  I didn't do hardly any during the fast, time to pick it back up.

Monday didn't start out too well.  I dumped the fast about 1 pm when I finally found a place over there that sells watermelon.  Best watermelon I've ever eaten, lol.  I actually didn't start feeling better until Tuesday though.

It's Wednesday now and I'm feeling much better, thank goodness.  I haven't started drinking coffee again, though, thought I would let my system have a break from stimulants beyond the fast.  I'm too much of a coffee fan to give it up forever, though.

The lady of the house is in Florida on work assignment until - Thursday I think.  It's interesting to see what happens to the house when she is gone.  I just try to keep up with the ktichen, the rest of it is not my business or my concern.  But even keeping up with the kitchen can be a challenge in such an envirnonment.

Anyways, we are supposed to go on a trail ride this weekend - but I'm taking my 4 wheeler they can have the horses.  Not that I don't like horses but it's supposed a huge property and the owner has invted her to come with the 4 wheeler and that we can take it there anytime, not just for official trail rides.  I'm hopeful this is as big a property as was described.

Well this is going to be a short one, I ran out of time. Off to work.

Water Fasting Day 7

Day 7 of water ony fasting complete.  This isn't actually getting easier, so I would say that it is a bit different than most of the other personal water fasting experiences I have been reading or Youtube videos I have been watching.  I am, however, seeing some fat burning off.  I hadn't noticed it until today.  I don't have a scale and I really don't want to get involved with that.  I weighted in at 214 pounds about 3 months ago and my weight likely went up from there, it certainly didn't go down.  I will weigh myself somewhere whenever I decide to end this fast.

Last night was uncomfortable to say the least.  I couldn't sleep, things going on inside my body that kept me awake and tossing and turning.  It lasted til this morning so I got very little sleep.  Never-the-less, I got up early and went to church anyway.  The service was incredibly good and the spiritual part of fasting started to awaken in me. I actually only started this as a detox and perhaps lose some weight and, possibly see some health benefits from it.

But in the last few days, I have turned it over to the Lord and have really been seeking Him.

Anyway, I knew a few days ago I wouldn't want to end it tonight though 7 days was at least my minimum amount of days I wanted to do it.  I am going to carry this through tomorrow and see how I feel at work.  If I can' deal with it, I will try to make it til' Wednesday.  If not, I'll buy myself some fresh, cold watermelon and end it.  So I am 1 and a half hours into day 8.  I got home from church and have done nothing since then.  Laid down for a nap, sat down and watched tv, watched a show called Lost on Netflix and did some research on various things of interest to me, including college, presidential polls and dabbing back into the job searching thing again.

Even so, I am still tired but it's due to the sleeplessness last night.  I can only hope I sleep better tonight for I know tomrorow is going to be another long day driving all of the upper half of Louisiana.  I was exposed to a large number of food ads of various sorts today and it was hard. Just seeing the images was enough to make me look at it in wonder.  Any kind of food looks delicious, I don't care what it is.  At the same time, I am not hungry. I'm just fatigued and the psychological effect, I guess, of eating food all my life, my mind playing tricks with me.

So, I turned to the internet and started reading more about fasting to get my mind off of food.

Find out tomorrow what's in store for me.

Today, spent 10 hours doing the CHL now called LTC class.  It went one wayyyyy longer than it should have.  The instructor went into all kinds of personal stories that had nothing to do with shooting and a personal friend of his was taking the class and he kept yapping on and on and onnnnnnn about non-related issues that had absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, to do with guns, shootings, nothing.  I was getting irritated with these people just dragging this out.  I'm telling you that the classroom portion of the training could have easily been cut by 3 hours without all of that nonsense.  I don't want to hear all of that stuff, this isn't a social club, let's get on with it! Turns out I wasn't the only one have the same thoughts.  

I missed 3 questions on the test and that because the instructor didn't go over those things.  I passed well beyond the minimum grade so no biggies.  We then went to the shooting range. As the instructor predicted, there were people there that had no clue, whatsoever, how to use a gun.  They couldn't load it, they couldn't shoot it, they kept messing up and the 50 rounds that we needed to shoot on various shooting tests at various ranges, that could have taken maximum 1 hour, went on for almost 3 hours.  Look, the instructor was an expert, I'm not going to deny that.  As far as information, he was tops.  For example, I found out today that a person on your property committing any kind of crime in Texas at night - caveat is night time - you can legally shoot.  They could be stealing the rims off your car, picking up a $10 lawn implement, whatever and yes, you could go out there and legally blow them away. Kids teepeeing your house - yup, you can shoot to kill.

There are all kinds of circumstances which I would have never thought  that legal force could legally be used where yes, you can blow them away and not go to jail.  Now, I do not believe a person should lose their life for stealing.  If I found someone stealing something from me on my property - and rental is considered your property - I would be highly unlikely to want to kill the person.  I'm not going to say I would use other kind of non-lethal force, but killing a person for stealing or teepeeing your house just.. no.  Someone breaking into your house, maybe.  If they are armed, definitely.  Someone coming at me in my car, again, if they are armed, yes, if not, no.  The castle doctrine here applies to the inside of your car as it does in Arizona.  

Anyway, we got to the shooting part.  I was nervous. Not to shoot a gun, done that plenty.  Just to get enough points to pass. 250 was maximum points you could score, you needed minimum 175 to pass.  The instructor flat told everyone that the kind of gun like I have isn't really good for this kind of test.  Well too late.  Only pistol I have.  It's been at least 8 months since I've shot the thing, which was another reason I was nervous.  

My first shot hit the line on the bullseye.  Several shots after that were too low.  So I raised the gun slightly after I thought I had it lined up and that helped.  But, the rapid succession firing is what hurt with the kind of gun I have and the long trigger pull to shoot it.  The instructor checked everyone's guns and said, ouch, the trigger on this is stiff!  I can fix this and shorten the pull for only $35 to modify it.  Yup, I'm all over that, left the gun with him.  He's a police officer and has all kinds of titles related to training both the public and law enforcement, I figured I can trust the man with my gun. 

Well, all said and done and people who had to be shown how to use a gun - seriously, you're coming to a gun class that authorizes you to carry it concealed and you don't even know how to use the thing, a bit scary - I scored a 221.  Which is a decent score and beat a lot of people there though there was one dude that scored 249.  Still, for the length of time that has passed since I pulled the trigger, I'm happy with myself.  Now, the rest of the stroy.  An online application that has all kinds of hoops to jump through and it can take up to 3 months to actually receive your license.  Oh well.  No big hurry, I just wanted to get this done.  A huge list of states that recognize and allow Texas permit there.  

Well I was with the lady landlord and one of her coworkers all day.  She announced that she had been invited to a trail ride at one of the other worker's ranch next Saturday, would you like to come and bring your 4 wheeler?  I didn't do all that work to that thing to let it sit indefinitely!  She had asked the man if we could bring it and he said yes and that we could bring it anytime, not just during an official trail ride. He lives less than 10 miles away.  Definitely going to take it out next weekend and see how she rides.  The thing fires right up, has plenty of power, the only remaining problem is the bushing at the bottom of the steering column but it's just making noise.  The column isn't loose and it turns easy enough.  I'll replace it, I would have already done so but I got focused on other issues and just let it go for a while.  It's not an expensive part, it is rather involved with removing the radiator to get at it and some other things.  I'm confident I can ride it the way it is.  

The leader of the Communion team called me yesterday and asked me to help out today.  I said yes at the time, completely forgetting about this concealed carry course and had to call him today and bow out.  He asked about tomorrow and I said yes.  Now, I could have said the 11 am service, but I said the 9 am for whatever strange, odd reason and now? I'm regretting that.  After today, I want to sleep in tomorrow.  Oh well.  Getting up at 7:30 isn't that bad, especially if I go to bed earlier than normal.  

Well enough. 

DAy 6 Water Fasting Complete

This was a very long day.  We drove down south and went to a college there to attend a CHL class.  Actually, they have changed the name of it to LTC - simply meaning license to carry.  It started at 8 am and it took until 6 pm to complete.  So, sitting in a class room until around 3 pm, with an hour lunch break, of which I didn't eat obviously, so I just hung out at the college while the people I was with went to get food.  I didn't want to be exposed to that.  Stay away from "temptation".  Nothing wrong with food, it's not sinful to eat, not saying that, just right now, I'm focused on getting at least 7 days done.

Well, Day 7 starts now, actaully.  Anyway, the hardest part of today was at the shooting range.  Number one, you are under pressure to score a minimum score to pass.  Most there were nervous, I was at first.  My hands were shaking.  I'm thinking: gee, I just spent an entire day with this, it would really suck to fail after all of that.  2, I ran out of ice water and was getting really thirstly, it was warm out there today - albeit I was wearing a jacket in the college classroom, I was freezing in there.  3, we were standing the hole time which was over 2-1/2 hours.  Normally I wouldn't even care about standing that long, but right now, no thanks.  It took it out of me, though the ride home and now sitting in my bedroom, I'm feeling much better.

So, I didn't really have any hunger pangs today.  I just got tired, I needed to take a nap and the only opportunity to was at lunch time but there was nowhere to lay down there without it looking strange.  At least during work this last week I found opportunities to take 15 minute naps here and there which really helps.  But, I'm resolved to make it until tomorrow night at least, which would be the 7 day minimum.  I really want to go 10 days though, I'll decided that tomorrow evening.

The TMI secion. Short but really for people that found this blog wanting personal experiences of what happened to a person on a fast.  I got home today, sat down, thought I was passing gas and no.  Anyway, This liquid coming out of the back end was bright yellow.  I've never seen anything like that.  Whatever's going on in there, teh detox must be working because that isn't normal.  Urine is still yellow but not dark at all.  Still, after this much time one would figure it would be clear, which does happen on juice fasting after only a few days.  Which simply tellls me that juice fasting isn't near as effective as water only fasting.  But, the experts say that water only fasting is the fastest, most effective way to detox.

There isn't really much else.  My headaches have all but subsided as of today.  Had one this morning but it went away.  I'm an hour into the 7th day and I'm going to bed early tonight because I'm tired for one and also have to be at church at 9 am to help serve communion in the morning.  I definitely am not going to stop fasting before I go to church, I believe there is something that will be said that will speak directly to what I am doing.  

Day 6 Water Fasting Part One

So, my sleep last night was not nearly as good as the night before.  First off, I broke out in a rash all over my upper body before going to bed, which is now all gone. ??  Second, I just didn't "feel" right and kept waking up, until about 3 am when I finally fell into a very deep sleep.  I know this because it was the alarm that woke me up this morning.  I could have slept hours longer.

I had a hard time waking up.  Still attempting to do so, really.  My stomach is all bunched up in a knot now.  I still have a mild headache.  Caffeine addiction would have ended by now.  I can only surmise that there is a lot of toxin build up in my system is making it's way out and you are forewarned by experts that you will experience various forms of disscomfort during the fast.

I also had an "accident" last night.  Liquidy and disgusting.  TMI, perhaps but for those looking to do an extended water fast, this may or may not be your experience as well,  though I have read several accountings of people experiencing the same thing.  In fact, I spent hours yesterday while driving listening to experts giving extended details and facts about fasting, experts that are doctors who specialize in fasting as a method of recovery.

Mostly non-fasting post.  I got to the jobsite today and listened to the brother of the guy in the hospital - his brother was involved in a cave-in in a man-hole down in the sewer pipe - go on and on and on, not about his brother, but about current and previous girlfriends.  It was somewhat intersting in that this person availed himself to so much of the kind of stuff that had been dished out and hadn't simply moved on.  Reminded me of me - should have moved on from last relationship long before it happened.

We are picking up 40 foot sections of pipe from their yard in Monroe, LA, the pipe has been sitting there for almost 2 years.  That construction company is going to take a loss on it, the pipe is old and will have to sell for less and the supplier agreed to sell it on consignment.  It's actually a good deal for the construction company, otherwise they would just have to eat it and that's that. It wasn't our company's fault for selling too much to them.  They had a change of plans on the job by the engineers and they were stuck with it.

Anyway, today was the 2cd trip, there are at least 3 more trips to go for there is still alot of pipe there. It's a good run - 1 hour 40 minutes to the job site, 2 hours to load the truck, 2 hours to the supplier, 1 and a half hours back.  That doesn't include the other delivery I had today in Monroe, which always takes ridiculously long, they are never in a hurry.  So I ended up with 47 hours this week which is a heckuva lot better than the 40 we were dictated.

Tomorrow I'm taking the CHL class which is an all day thing and then going to church tomorrow night.  I think, anyway, I'm pretty sure this is the weekend to do the CHL.  I've simply forgotten for sure and will ask her when she gets home.  I got a call earlier to please come to church and help with communion tomorrow evening so I have a full day tomorrow.  Which is good considering the fast and I'm determined to stay on it.  Sunday, different story.  Nothing planned at all. Plenty to do, but may not be advisable to spend the day working around the house.  I want this eye thing gone before I stop the fast.

There is no guarantee, of course, that it will actually go away and frankly, it appears I would have to stay on the fast for 10 or more days for it to actually happen.  Further, there are far greater benefits to staying on the fast longer, the question is: can I handle it?  It would be lovely to just put everything on hold for 21 days and go to a facility and get help and motiavtion with this, but that is impossible, at least at this time.  I'll just have to make that call Sunday night.  Either eat some watermelon, which is what is recommended to come off the fast, or, continue on with it.

One nice side effect I hadn't thought of fasting is that I haven't spent a dime on food this week.  No lunches, no buying dinner food.

Well, I'm pretty tired even afer a good night's sleep and I'm going to rest.

Water Fast Day 5 Complete

I had much more energy today, much better than the last 2 days, which suggests to me that full ketosis has settled in. Feeding off my fat, of which of lates I have sufficient amounts of for an extended fast, actually.  The only thing today that really got me was strapping down a load of pipe.  It was not even close to the perfection of loading that I prefer - but then again I almost always load my own truck so I don't have to worry about that.  I was out at a jobsite - same one as yesterday - and the pipe has been sitting out there forever. It's been moved around, the bundles have been broken so that the pipe is still strapped, yes, but not in the rectangular form it was in when it came from the supplier.

So,  it makes for some interesting loading.  I wasn't loading it, either but at least they had a guy come out that is very adept in his field of construciton of operating heavy machinery.  Still, the bundles beneath the final top bundles had pipe sticking up, leaving the top 2 bundles at angles and partially exposed on the bottom.  I ended up putting a large numberr of straps on that load - much more than it would normaly take - and I had to crank down the winches very tight.  Well, it's quite the physical exertion to press down that hard on a bar to exert enough force to make the winch turn far enough that one on the teeth is able to engage in the slot to hold it in place.  After climbing up on the truck and getting down several times and then that?  I was depleted of energy big time.

I sat in the truck for a few minutes and got enough back to continue on with the day.  I really didn't even think about food until I was somewhere and the smell of meat cooking wafting through the air.  That was a bit much, I got away from there quickly.  I was less thirsty today.  I have been drinking a lot of water the last 3 days because I had an unquenchable thirst, but today that diminished greatly.

I think actualy this weekend is going to be the most difficult part of this fast.  For rest is what is in order, meaning laying around sleeping and watching tv or reading or whatever. Al fine and dandy, but at work and driving a semi truck all day long, that really takes any focus off of food. Sitting around a house where food is in ample supply - I have enough food to last for at least 6 months, did that on purpose to prepare for the worst if such economic projections of doom and gloom actually come true - may turn out to be a difficult thing to resist.  I mean, on other kinds of diets, such as juice only, you can at least drink something to help defer the cravings.

I still have a minor headache going - I don't know if it's caffeine withdrawals or what, but it's been that way since after the first day of fasting.  Regardless, today wasn't exactly magical - Day 5 that is - as some other have reported but it was easier. I much like the idea that my body is feeding off my fat now.  I should be losing a couple pounds a day at this point, I think.  I dunno, I don't have a scale, last weighing was 215 pounds, which is well beyond anything I am even remotely interested in allowing myself to get up in terms of weight, but, factually, I was probably closer to 220.

The motivation to detox and see some physical ailments alleviated is what is driving me.  People going to facilities that specialize in fasting treatment centers probably have an easier go at it because they have professionals that are talking to them and helping them make it through it.  I don't have any of that, in fact, fasting is quite misunderstood by many people and think you are going to die. Fasting is not starvation.  Starvation occurs in a fast when the fast is over.   You basically lose hunger during a fast, it sounds crazy but it's true.  However, your body will signal you, the experts say, that it's over by a extreme hunger setting in.  If you ignore that, then your body starts feeding off of muscle.  In a 21 day fast, less than 2 pounds of muscle are consumed by the body to make up for some systems that need the glucose to work.  A small price to pay to lose 20 plus pounds of weight, bring your blood pressure down and have your body deal with whatever ailments you may have.

I'm not doing 21 days, not this time anyway. I had originally though to end this Sunday, the 7th day.  But I am seriously considering going until Wednesday.  I'm really just trying to go as long as I can while still being able to function in the real world.  Paychecks are important, so I have to be able to get my work done.  So far, so good.  Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were difficult days.  Anyway, I am going with the lady landlord tomorrow to do an all day CHL training program.  Concealed carry permit in other words.  That will be a stimulating day and my mind will hardly be on food.  7 days would end on Sunday at 6:30 pm.  Whether I stop or not, I really don't know.

Halfway through Water Fast Day 5

This'll be a short one, with a more detailed version later.
I slept like a baby last night. I'm not joking and no, that's nor  normal for me. I almost never sleep through the night.  Such a rare occasion that whenever it does happen, I just sit in wonder and try to think what happened to cause that?

I've had a Chalazion that appeared out of the blue in my right eye for almost 2 months now.  Been to the doctor twice and they gave me this and that - and charged me a small fortune - for treatmets that didn't work. Looking at it this morning it has significantly reduced in size.  Yes, if you do any reading about water only fasting you will find that can indirectly cure all kinds of common maladies and even some serious ones.  I read one blog of an organization that actually facilitates fasting.  People come for 7 days.  This is kinda where I established a minimum baseline for water fasting, but going on longer actually may have

My digestive system is certainly going through some sort of change.  My stomach was tight thight morning and something was goingon down there.  That whole system hasn't been right for a while and was another reason I wanted to do this fast.  It will, conceivably, fix your digestive system and whatever ails if it you go on the fast long enough. I'm more resolved now to make it through Sunday evening than I have been all week. I just have to make it through the work day today and then I have the weekend to do much of nothing and rest.  I'm sure I will be tempted to take this on to 10 days by the time Sunday gets here.

Well I feel pretty good - right now We'll see how that works out duirng the work day.

Well, I have Tuesday and Wednesday off after Memorial Day.  Making a 5 day weekend.  I'm just a little unsure about a trip to Phoenix.  Certainly don't want to plan it the way the last one went, where I worked all day, drove 2-1/2 hours to the airport, had a late flight, go there at 1 something am and didn't really arrive at her house until 3 or 4 am.  Yeah that just doesn't work.  The price of airfaire near here is just ridiculous.  Compared to flying out of Dallas it is, anyway.  Shreveport by far the highest.  I just can't justify paying that much money for a flight when I know I can save a lot of money by driving clear to Dallas.  It ain't no fun, but it's pretty much my modus operandi.

I guess I just don't feel like going to Phoenix right now.  I like driving trips for the cost savings, but Phoenix is just too far away for a road trip. Day and a half to get there, day and a half back, 3 days of driving leaves...what for a vacation?  Let me ponder this.  Take off after work on a Friday and start driving.  So, let's say leave at 4 pm.  Drive until around midnight, get a cheap hotel.  6 hours of driving at 75 mph 450 miiles.  Get up the next morning and leave around 8 am.  It's 1252 miles from Shreveport to Phoenix.  So there's still 800 miles to go.  Easy 12 hours if you include stops for fuel and bathroom breaks.  So that's 8 pm Saturday night I arrive (if it worked out that way and assuming no problems). An hour of visiting and then go to bed.  So, have Sunday through Friday to visit.

That's 2,500 miles of driving plus any incidental driving - in an old car, btw, that thing is a 2004 model.  Still running quite strong.  No leaks, no smoke, runs great really.  Interior fallinga part but I don't give that much importance in considering the fact the car is paid off and I have been driving it for a long time since I paid it off, 3 years I believe now.  Anyway, so $200 worth of fuel for such a trip, add $30 to be safe.  Now, to drive to Dallas from Shreverport I think is 175 miles.  It's 3 hours - well it's likely less for me.  I drive the 37 miles home from work in about 32 minutes.  Less than a tank of fuel to get there and back, anyway.  $168 round trip Southwest Airlines.  Spirit has cheaper but they charge for carryon or checked luggage which makes their price - not as good as SWA. $203 to get to the airport and fly, 30 to park the car for the time gone, and probably 20 each way from airport to mom's house and back (whe won't drive to the airport). $273 total. When you look at that and you compare that to driving plus hotel? It's close to even.

I dunno what I want to do.  Seriously don't. Especially in the middle of this fasting.

Oh, I was looking at my change which is what brought all of this to mind.  I've been saving change for quite a while, I have a large coffee can filled to the brim with quarters, dimes and nickles.  A few pennies but mostly silver.  There's got to be at least $400 in there.  I don't even know if I want to tap that for a vacation of just leave it and start a new coffee can.

Just trying to think of how I would want to pay for a vacation.  I have 90 hours on paycheck being deposited tonight and that should bring me close to what I was getting before the hour cut.  It isn't at 100 and likely never will be again, but the increase in work and subsequent hours at least give me a break to find the right job instead of just taking the best one that comes along in X amount of short period of time.

I have a driving day tomorrow - though I don't know if they are going to throw any orders on the truck or not.  A contractor bought 35,000 feet of pipe almost 2 years ago and ended up only using a couple thousand feet of it.  They bought and paid for it, but they wanted us to take it back.  It's a significant amount of money and it has sat there while everyone tried to figure out what to do, because we weren't going to just eat that kind of hit. A deal was worked out with the supplier to take all that pipe back to his yard and he will try to sell it on consignment.  Well, the pipe is sitting in  dirt field, grass and weeds are growing through it for it has sat there so long and the bundles are broken, making it difficult to load on the truck.  And there is at least 6 loads of it.  I'm apparently doing this alone.  1 load done today, another tomorrow.  It's a nice run especially considering fasting, I don't have to worry about extreme exertion.

Well that's it.  I was going to take a nap earlier but sitting down was good enough.  Was trying to stay awake until bedtime - which is only an hour away now.

Water Fast Day 4

There is one thing I can say with certainty: If I had had to have done too much physical exertion today, I would have to end this fast.  I'm not saying I didn't exert any evergy at my job today, I did, quite a bit actually, but I was out driving as well which pretty much saved me.  I had to load the truck this morning but it wasn't that much material, drive 1 hour 35 minutes to a delivery site - which I only had to unstrap and then drive to a jobsite to pick up pipe that they contractor couldn't use. That part was the physical part.

This post will undoubtedly get hits for some time to come for the water fast part, so here is the TMI part for those that are searching around the web for personal experiences.  Mine hasn't been quite like anyone else's but that only because, I think anyway, I have had to work every day since I started it.  My job consists of driving trucks, yes, but also lifting and moving around heavy parts, palletizing them, shrink wrapping them, loading them onto the truck and strapping it down.

Today.  As with other days (and I forgot to say this yesterday), cold.  Getting cold in any place with AC.  This is a common occurence with people that are fasting, so I'm not worried about that.  Hunger wasn't that bad, really, in fact, today was a little easier than yesterday, albeit I am now home from work and going to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day.  I haven't had any dizzy spells as others have reported, which is a good thing because if I did, I would have to stop the fast immediately.  My urine is still quite yellow, I would have thought that would have cleared up by now but I'll give that one up for getting the toxins out of my system.

I've had bouts of itching.  No idea on that one and also I am coughing out of the blue, here and there, it goes on for a few minutes and then it stops.  Weak. Definitely weak.  Again, I was lucky to drive the truck more than anything today because that really isn't that difficult.  And the sleep problem that many report.  Actually, I was in a deep sleep last night one someone called me at 11:30 pm and that ruined my sleep for the rest of the night.  Grand Praire Texas?  I didn't even bother to answer the phone and they didn't bother to leave a message.

But it was some pretty strange sleep after that.  I really - I don't know it's hard to explain.  But the sleeplessness or strange sleep is also normal. After having that kind of night worth of sleep I would  have thought I would have been out of it this morning, but to the contrary, I actualy felt pretty good for a couple of hours.  That didn't last, though, I became fatigued.

Now according to eveything I have been reading, day 5 is a "magic day".  That starts for me in an hour from now. It supposedly becomes much easier.  I haven't fasted like this in a couple of decades, I don't really remember.  I have fasted in the last couple of years, but that was a fluid fast - not limited to water only.  The water  only fast is  the most difficult one to do, it is definitely a challenge, but the results for de-toxification are much faster than juice diets.  One plus of the water diet is the you are giving your digestive system a rest.

I'm not going to liie, this has been an extremely difficult journey.  It would have been much easier if I hadn't been working - but - the flipside to that is that you have a lot of idle time to sit and think about - fooooood. That happened to me today, though, anyway.  Like a heightened sense of smell, I was smelling food in the air and couldn't see anything anywhere near for the source.  People talking about food on the radio and videos I was watching.  It didn't tempt me to go find the nearest burger joint, though, but the smell, that was hard to ignore.  The folks where I live are good cooks and they make some delicious smelling meals.....ugh.

I have a bit of a windfall for tomorrow at work: I am driving to the same jobsite I was at today and picking up pipe again.  There's like 30,000 feet  of pipe to move from that place.  But, that means 1 hour 45 minutes to the jobsite, 2 hours to load the truck - it just doesn't work the same at a jobsite where pipe has been sitting as it does going to a manufacturer and having them load you, it takes much longer - 2 hours to the vendor who is going to re-sell it for us and another 1-45 minutes back to the yard.  That's almost 8 hours, which will cash in the day unless there is something to do when I get back to the yard.

End of this one.  Another report tomorrow.

Water Fast Day 3

Alright. Day 3 of this water fast over in about 2 hours.  This was the hardest day yet.  I'm not even going to say I wasn't hungry nor would I say that I didn't have headaches and weak.  It didn't start out that way, I was actually feeling somewhat euphoric this morning, but after I got done loading the ssemi, that did me in.  I was taking a slower pace to conserve energy, but I found I had to stop and take a nap after delivering the product.  Short nap - 15 minutes - but it helped.  Back to the yard to pull another order and load it up - that did me in.  And now I'm home, I'm not going to end it today for I don't have to do anything else but sit/lay around and rest.

Which is pretty much what most of the testimonies you see about it from people do.  They aren't working and if they are, certainly not the physical exertion I am putting in this week.  If I have to put out the energy I did today, I'm likely going to be forced to end it.  Which would be a bummer because I wanted to make it a minimum 7 days.

I haven't fasted in a long time and haven't tried to fast this long in even longer.  After 3 days it might get better, though I'm reading it takes 4 days and then it gets much easier.  Well, I'm not going to do anything for the rest of the day. I'll definitely make it through today and into tomorrow morning which puts me 12 hours into day 4.  I've heard rumors of going and picking up pipe at a yard in Monroe, if that's true, that would be much easier and I could - probably - make it through tomorrow.  But if it gets any worse than today, I'm going to go eat.

_________________________________

I decided to take 2 days off after Memorial Day which gives me a 5 day weekend.  But I really don't know about flying to Phoenix or not.  I would probably have to take the entire week off.

I have other things to go into, but I think I'm going to rest for a while.

Day 2 of cleansing fast.  Well actually I'm officially into day 3 since the last time I ate was sunday afternoon.  I read up on it for I haven't fasted in a long time.  Strange things already.  Like taking a nap - which I never do after coming home from work but got decidely weak - and then the phone ringing waking me up.  I had no idea what was going on but I instantly thought it was tomorrow morning and that it was the alarm that had gone off.

I got up to turn off the alarm, confused.  Why is there daylight? Why isn't the alarm set?  I was still in my clothes when it finally dawned on me that it's not tomorrow morning.   Or taking a load of laundry to wash and heading out the back door instead of - to the laundry room.  but by all accounts I have read this is perfectly normal.

Bouts of fatigue are expected.  Most people do not work when they are attempting a long fast because you get weaker than normal. So, I don't know how long I am going to try to do this.  But it seems like 10 days is the shortest amount of time for your body to really experience the toxin removal and "fixing" your digestive system, which I know that mine is out of sorts.  Well I'm going to do minimum 3 days, which puts it at tomorrow at around 6:30pm.

I would very much like to take it longer than that, but I'll have to see how I'm doing.  Driving trucks and physical labor at the yard and such may prove to be too much to do an extended fast while still trying to work.  I can't take 10 days off for it and even if I could, I wouldn't want to use that much vacation time just to fast.  As it stands I am looking at taking time off during Memorial day week.  I was going to take the Thursday and Friday off before, but my co-worker beat me to it.  Which is no biggies, I can take a few days off after and have a 5 day "weekend" - or longer if I so desire.  Which I so desire.

Whatever the case, it is highly undesirable to get into a 3rd day of fasting and then contemplate quitting, it's not something you do every day and it really takes a lot of willpower to stick with it.  I mean, the landlords are cooking dinner out there with brats and all kinds of tasty looking vegetables - they are on a 3-day military diet which they are going to do on and off indefinitely until desired weight loss is gained.  I may join them with that after I'm done with this fast.  I have gained considerable amounts of fat in a relatively short period of time.  Just that I have made it this far, at least try to make it til' the weekend?

At work today, the new manager hit me up as I was walking into the building to sign in.  He wanted to verify what was going on.  I explained it to him.  Everything I said in my entry yesterday, basically and no need to go through all of that again.  He again said he would talk to Tony about it.  But, Tony showed up right after that, handed me some papers and indicated that I would be driving the semi today.  I'm just willing to let things slide anymore.  He plays favorites and I'm going to call him out on it.

The truck was a disaster. After a week plus of the pothead driving it, there was garbage, personal belongings and even product all over the place.  I took all of that s*** out of there and then realized the strong odor.  Smoking.  He had been chain smoking in there apparently with the windows closed or slightly cracked at best, for the foul, strong smell of cigarette smoke was well imbedded in the air ducting for the ac/ventilation system.  I had that fan on high all day long with the windows opened and the smell had only slightly decreased.  I was pissed to say the least.  A year plus of driving this almost solely to myself and now 1 week of a slob that smokes and it's trashed.  Our company has a written policy of no smoking in company vehicles and  that will be the next one I start pushing for.

However, when I got back, the coworker came up and said my name was the subject of a meeting today.  Oh really.  Well what was that all about?  The new manager apparently decided that I was going to be driving the semi, co-worker the 10 wheeler and the pothead the 550 "for now".  Assigned vehicles.  Well, at least I'll have a clean truck.  I had a chance to scrub it down again today - interior that is - but I was too tired from fasting to do it so I napped instead.

I did have a pleasant converstion with the man that runs the plant in Alexandria where we get some of our concrete products from.  The subject went to debt after I said for whatever reason about not carrying much cash and him only carrying cash.  I don't have any debt, he said.  I carry around cash.  Oh, well I don't carry too much, I have maybe 20 bucks on me.  Well, he replied, I have $800. Wow, that's a lot of cash to be carrying around, do you carry a pistol?  Oh yes.  He owns a house, a truck, a van, a boat and another truck clear and free.  Actually that conversation went on much longer than I probably should have engaged in it, but he's pretty sociable dude.

Well, fortunately, only another hour to bedtime.  I say fortunately because once I go to sleep, obviously, all of this weakness is irrelevant.  I'm not actually that hungry, per se, it's just the weakness from not eating.  Smelling that delicious food wasn't too helpful either.

And finally, it's freezing cold in this house.  I have no idea why these folks like to keep it this cold in here.  I mean, I just walked outside and it felt nicer in the muggy warmth than it did in here.  The AC system is running and running - it's not actually that warm out.  It's a bit warm and muggy, yes, but not that bad.  Oh well, go to bed, pull up a blanket and go to sleep.

Work.
I'm already there this morning before anyone else.  The warehouse "manager" shows up and hands me some tickets and says to put them on the 550.  Umm, I'm not going to be getting stuck in other trucks this week.  Ohh, well you can put it on the straight truck. No, that's not what I'm talking about, I'm referring to the semi.  I'm not going through this week out of the truck again.  He just grunts at me.

Well the pothead shows up later and starts pulling an order. I get sent out on a run that takes half the day to do and then my coworker texts me: your boy is in your truck.  This warehouse dude just thinks he can do whatever he wants.  The good ole' boys club, the pothead and he have been there forever, exceping of course the little year off that after the pothead was fired.

So I come back from the run and confront the man.  Why are you putting him in the truck again this week? He just sits there and stares at me.  I say it again.  More staring.  Are you going to answer or what?  Well he asked me if he could drive it again this week, the man blurts out, stuttering.  He doesn't like when I confront him.  I don't do it often but when he starts playing his stupid games, namely favoritism and it affects me, I'm going to confront him on it.  I knew right away that this wasn't going to change without approaching the new manager, so I just looked at the warehouse manager and informed him I would deal with this through the manager.

Well you need to go load up the truck with this stuff, he is in a meeting.  No, I think I'll go over there and discuss this right now, completely ignoring his "order" for he isn't management and headed straight over there.  He was on the phone.  I popped in, he gave me a funny look, hung up the phone and asked me what's wrong?  I informed him of the situation.  Oh, well are you guys switching back and forth?  I looked at him for a second, trying to keep my words limiited: I've been driving that truck for a year now.  Tony (warehouse dude) thinks he can just do whatever he pleases without even considering my input.  I stopped myself there.  Okay, I'll talk to Tony.

Now, the new manager is consistent about one thing: if he says he's going to deal with something that is causing a problem, he will deal with it.  I walked out, said thank you while leaving and so, who knows.

I have no idea at this point how long it is going to take to find a job that suits me instead of just taking something to get out of there.  I'm not going to "run" from that place to go to something else that may have a better working environment but keeps me out on the road all the time.  If it ultimately comes to that so beit, but for now, I am floating. In fact, just turned in 90 hours, which is better than the 80 that was dictated from the start of this.  I have no idea what I will get on the next paycheck, but I logged 9-1/4 hours today.

So whatever.  This pothead, btw, is there at 7:30. He was loading the truck until 11:45.  We're talking 2 pallets and some pipe.  It should have taken him 2 hours at most.  This was reported to me by my coworker about the time it took and the time he left.  Now, where he was going is a 2-1/2 hour drive one way.  I've done it several times so has my coworker.  This dude left at 11:45 am and then calls at 4:00 pm saying he is lost, his GPS isn't working.  Ummm, there is a Rand McNally road map in the truck.  Someone tore the Louisiana page out of it long ago, which is mainly what we travel, but this was in Texas and the Texas map was still in it.  Some kind of bs he is talking. I happened to be in the office when the contractor called, at 4:15 pm.  Where is this guy?

That'll all go over well with the new manager.  I didin't stick around, though I did start laughing. Couldn't help it. They all think so highly of this dude simply because he's been there so long. There's your great driver! Over 4 hours to load the truck and 4-1/2 to get to a jobsite that is 2-1/2 hours away and he still isn't there.

Okay, rant over.

I started a detox today.  My version of it anyway.  You know, your body? Toxins build up over time? Yeah that.  My version is a total fast.  Water only.  For as long as I can handle it.  I've done these before, I was amazed that I have hardly even thought about food today.  It's almost bedtime so I can safely say I made it through day one.  One site calls for 10 days and another for 12.  Umm, that's a long time to go without food or any other kind of drink than water - but - there are other benefits toa water only extended fast.  If I can make it past the 4th day, I can do it.  I don't know yet, I'm not going to feel bad about it if I quit early, I'm sorta trying to get back into this stuff that I did most of my adult life before moving out there.  You just plain feel better after you do it if you can do it long enough.

That's it. I'm a bit - weak feeling - from not eating, but, again, I'm not sitting here craving food.  Interesting.

The itch got me.  Gotta check out Caddo State Park.  Map showed trails and only $3 per person fee to get in. I figured 2 hours would be good. Well, they have cabins and shelters and all kinds of interesting stuff going on over there - something to think about for the future but right now? Just want to go hiking.

17 miles one way, can't complain about that.  The drive there was interesting as it stands.  A narrow, 2 lane highway I hadn't been on going out of this town straight to the Park.  Joey Ranch - a rodeo was going on and all kinds of traffic going in there.  Big arena but well off the road and the thing you really saw was a bunch of RV's.  A Baptist church having a revival - the sign said so anyway. Small church for such a large gathering - at least 100 cars parked everywhere including alongside the highway.

A hunting club.  Carlisle Hunting Club the sign had on it over an entrance to a dirt road.  Hmm, might have to check that out.  A mobile home park much further out.  70's era, aluminum built single wide homes.  Place over grown with grass and weeds. Looked hideous.  I've had thoughts of doing something like that - but please, let's keep the property maintained.  And fresh paint on the homes that need them.  Hurts your bottom line.  Yep, well I just don't believe in running a place like that.

Got to the Park entrance, drove up a ways and there was a building with signs saying go into the office cause' honey, you have to pay.  Well they didn't say quite that, but you get the idea.  I don't mind a small entrance fee, I don't really believe that we should have to pay outrageous prices as many of these types of places do that are owned by state or federal government do - since we own it, we pay for it through our taxes and yeah, that kinda pisses me off.  But....they had a sign up about donating $5 because they are underfunded. Gag.

I got up to the cabins and parked.  The trail starts right there.  I had been warned about a trail that was closed because of a bridge that was out.  Well, I got this giant dog on a leash and he's doing good but geeze, there isn't another soul other there, which I thought strange.  Well, until I started getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. Figured that one out: keep moving, don't stop.  Note to self: buy mosquito repellent for any future excursions.  Anyway, I eventually took the leash off of Addler and watched in some amount of apprehension what was going to happen next.  The answer was: nothing.  He did take the lead but I didn't care about that, I wanted him in front of me.  Only one incident where we both heard an animal run off and he started to take off after the direction of the noise.

Addler! He stopped, turned around and trotted back.  I've spent some time training this dog on other issues, leash walking wasn't one of them. He was up on that the first day I got him.  He wasn't house trained - he has yet to piss or pee in the house.  The dog is very obedient.  He has a wild side to him but that's fine. He also is very disliking of strangers approaching the fence, that's fine too, that's a dog's job.  Protect.

Well there were no signs on these trails, they just took turns off into random places.  I wondered about getting lost but I just went this and that-a-way and eventually ended up at the - bridge that is out.  Turns out a giant tree had destroyed it - that giant tree fell and was still over the top of that bridge. Okay, well that's nice but the bridge was going over a stream that might have been 2 feet wide at it's widest point. Yeah, we just went around it, through the brush and up the other side.

But, after an hour of this, we were both done.  Addler was breathing heavily and I was tired.  I'm not in the shape I used to be and I am slowly coming around to getting myself back to some semblance of that condition.  I've let life circumstances affect me too greatly. There are no existing excuses, I just gotta get with it.

__________________________________________

And now another weekend gone.  Does it sound like a lame existence where the highlight of a weekend is to go hiking in the wilderness with a dog?  I dunno, I'm not sure it matters to me anymore about things that people think are important.  I've become rather isolated here simply for the fact of the lack of many friends.  I've not connected with much of anyone in the church I am/was going to, though I have tried.  For quite a while I have tried.  Not blaming the church I just think it's time to move on.  I love the preaching and the worship services but that isn't an end all.  I need real relationships and it's simply not happening there.

I guess I'll start looking out here before next weekend.

Well, end this one.  Work comes early, at least on the weeks where I go in at 7.

It finally made sense.
Long ago - in the 80's - I disappeared with a missionary organization into the interior of Mexico.  I didn't ask anyone for permission, didn't think about any consequences, didn't care really.  My thoughts were towards Catholics there that hate Christians and the Mexican army and the policia that toys with white, American citizens to get money out of them.  I still didn't care.  It was a wonderful time, yes it was.  I was there for one purpose: to expand the Kingdom of Heaven.

Years later, my oldest brother made some comments to me about that trip.  Security came to my door (at his home) asking me where you were at.  I don't know, he replies, somewhere in Mexico I heard.  I was focused on the mission field and my mind and heart was all over that.  The idea that it would somehow arbitrarily affect my brother's employment never entered my mind.  I knew nothing about it, didn't know his security status could be affected by it and he didn't bother to tell me.

The security gave him a hard time about it.  He said when it was over, he closed the door and then got drunk.  My oldest brother is a very different type of person, much different than most anyone I have ever met, seen or heard about.  Now I understand that he was facing losing a rather prestigious employment setting.  I really - never knew.  And, I didn't find that out from him.  In fact, he doesn't care about family and wants nothing to do with it. He never has. He has never given me any reason to even think about concerning myself with him or his problems.  He ... doesn't.... care.

I've never given it much consideration.  My mom just told me a while ago that when I announced I was going to Spain, that is why he tried to tell me I couldn't go.  You see, he never identified why I couldn't go and it came through my mom, not him.  Why didn't he call me about this? Ahh yes, who is he to tell me where I can and cannot go. I wasn't just going to visit Spain, I was going to stay there indefinitely with the mission organization. The situation changed and I wasn't sent.  I have always made myself too valuable - unintentionally - to the people I am with or working for.  Even here, where I am living.  The lady of the house has unabashedly told me she would like me to stay here for "years", indefinitely.  I smile, I give no definitive answer.  I like it here, but this isn't my house and though I have a lot of freedom here, it's not my property.  Even that isn't really the problem though, I just have no idea what I am going to do next and I can't just say yes, I'm going to be here forever

Not to mention that something might happen - who knows what but we are humans and s*** happens - to make them want me to leave.  I think of everything I can in any conversation that has potential long-term consequences.  The point is they didn't send me to Spain because I was fixing all of their old vehicles, driving semi's to get donated food, clothing and medical supplies, going to Mexico frequently with semi loads of food, directing the brother's dorm when I was there.

It was a rogue thought tonight.  Oh, now I see it.  They messed with him when I went to Mexico because, I found out from mom last week, if a family member leaves the country, he loses his security clearance and can't work the job he is working.  20 years ago he told me he was putting X amount of money into his 401k plan - a good deal of money I will say.  He was obviously making good money then. He has been promoted since then plus pay raises, he has earned a fortune through that company and his financial adviser told him he could retire now.  He's 57 years old.

AS for me, I am being pulled by my own internals in so many ways.  Do this, do that, do the other thing.  I am, frankly, getting sick of working to do what. Pay bills.  Gag.  I had no debt as a missionary, no bills, I paid nothing to no one.  It's sooo easy to get used to a lifestyle.  Go to work, come home, go to bed, get up, go to work, repeat.  Whereas others have no answers, I've already been there, I know what makes the heart full. Gag.  I'm not confused, I just don't know what direction to take.  I know some things that would help but they aren't anywhere near here.  Take my dog, go up to the mountains alone and seek.  Pray. Hike into the wilderness.  Enjoy God's creation.  No mountains within hundreds of miles of here. Beaches - a little different effect but still.

 I don't know.