I'm 50 years old today! Wooohhooooo!!! ????.......okay then!
My lady's in the air, heading this way - and I gotta go to work, gag.  Oh well, I knew that was going to happen, not the end of the world.  At least there is something to do in the truck routing system.
Hmmmm, I wonder what this day has in store!
lol.
g'day

ben

Superbowl - gag.  Worst I've seen in decades.
Going to be an interesting week.
2 days from now, I turn 50. Same said day my lady shows up.  My uncle is in the hospital in a coma, they are thinking of pulling the plug - he had a stroke early last week and it's pretty much  a grim prognosis.  JD - the kid that has been coming over to my house since he was 12 years old - left me a note last night saying he just turned 21 and could he please have a birthday present.  lol  I usually give him a $20. My lady's 15 year - yes the one I have been dealing with  - turns 16 tomorrow and I have a 4 day weekend this week.  Plus going up to the mountains. And whatever else may happen!

So yes, interesting week.  Oh, that doesn't include the couple that is moving in today!  I need to start saving up for a potential move later on this year to Texas.  I haven't made a final decision on that one yet.  I'm still weighing this whole situation.  Those kids are a handful. Just one of them is a handful.  The 14 year old is, in reality, as bad at the 15 year old.  I will never be able to say I didn't know what I was getting into.  But I could still get on here and rant about the stuff going on!

So yeah. Praying, seeking the Lord - what is His will on all of this? What is the next step, if there even is one?  Where do I go with this? Cause pretty much? You pop the question and it's a done deal. Sure, you can get out of it, but not without causing people a lot of heartache and grief.  Kinda like aiming a gun at someone, once you propose, you are all in!  It would be a very big step in my life to marry her since she lives in Texas and would have to uproot and move over there.  I've given it more thought and consideration than anyone could ever imagine.

Well, it's Monday, at work, nothing to do really but gotta get the store up and going.

G'day.
ben

This is gonna be a short one since I wrote up pretty long one earlier today. I mean, I watched the Boredom Bowl until the 4th quarter and gave up on it.  Pathetic game. IMO, worst thing you can do is have the ultimate football game be a total blowout.

Moving on.  I left off the last entry that the boy was going to contact me, and that he did.  3-1/2 hours of it.  It drained me.  I mean, I told him how I felt, I let him have it, I poured my heart out to him I was kind and not so kind at some points - a whole plethora of emotion and spanning the realm.  I dunno I might go into more depth of this conversation with him tomorrow, but right now? I am exhausted!  Besides talking to my lady, I have been talking with a very intense, smart (yet dumb) 15 year old boy for hours.

The end result?  He said was going to straighten up.

And that's enough for now.  I am something of a mentor to him but with friendship tendencies and I try to hear him out while at the same time serving up doses of truth.

This day is over for me. 3 more days and it's my birthday and she is showing up.  I have a 4 day weekend coming up!  Yes!

G'nite.

ben

Well, 2 of m'lady's cows have dropped calves!  With another one looking like she's ready to drop and hopefully 3 or 4 more after that!  It's the time of year for cows to drop calves.  Which I find very odd since many of the places that have cows are in freezing, bitter cold this time of year. But, God created them he musta known what he was doing.

Meanwhile, if you had thought all hell had already broken loose over there, well, it got 1,000 times worse last night.  This is all about the 15 year old, whose hormones have exploded, has found a girlfriend and has entered the complete and total rebellion stage because of this girl and m'lady's attempts to keep it from getting too carried away.  I mean, the girl is only 13 years old and the 15 year old turns 16 in 2 days.

Well anyway, leading up to this situation last night is that girl's parents lack of morals/ethics and basically telling her lies about what is going on over there when 15 year is visiting.  He's been over there 3 times now, I think.  She doesn't want him kissing a 13 year old girl and I have to agree with that assessment, but that girl's parents don't care one bit.

I'ma skip a lot of stuff because otherwise? This entry will go on for 50 paragraphs and I neither have the time nor the gumption to do that right now.  Just isn't necessary to go into all of that anyway,  you get the jist of the situation: boy in love with girl; boy not listening to mom; boy's head getting filled with a bunch of crap from both that girl's parents and m'lady's ex concerning m'lady.

So here we go. 15 year old is saying she is ruining his life.  This because she is putting quite reasonable restraints on him with girl but still allowing him to go over there anyway.  15 year old says he wants complete freedom to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to.  I do believe a good portion of parents would find that laughable, much less acceptable.  But, his attitude since this all started has gone to rotten, evil and wicked in a quick hurry.  I mean, EVIL.  Making indeterminate threats against her to do something evil.

So, on Friday, after having this discussion all this week, it's determined that he can have her over to m'lady's house on Saturday.  He wanted to go over there and was demanding that he be allowed to go.  I thought it was very giving of my lady that she even was going to allow them to be together at all after all the crap he has given her this week about it.  Well, Friday afternoon, going to the bank and boy is in the vehicle, he starts cussing at her and also slapping the 6 year old girl on the head.  She had already been hearing dose after dose of crap from him all day long about going to the girl's house on Saturday, she had had enough.  Told him to get out of the car.  Yup, right there, but only half a mile from ex's apartment.  You can go to your dad's, bye!  Time passes, come to find out that the parents of the girl are coming to pick him up on Saturday, even AFTER she had told them he is NOT to go over there this weekend!

My lady calls up the mom, who says, ohhh, I'm sorry, I didn't remember saying that yesterday.  ??? Seriously?  She claims she is on some heart medicine and it causes her to forget things.  Gag.  So then, my lady is telling her after it gets deep into a pile of s*** that she will never trust her again, on and on.  Okay.  So boy is over there all day, texts mom that he can do whatever he wants because he was with dad and dad said it was okay.  Just pure, sh**** attitude.  She texts her mom asking for husband's phone number so she can talk to him about this.

Let's fast forward.  Ex brings boy home last night.  Boy comes in and demands to be allowed to go over to girl's house whenever h wants and also that m'lady MUST pay for his cellphone.  A little foggy what actually happened, but ex had already discussed with boy about him living over there - without saying anything to m'lady  and he says fine, I'm going to live with dad!  Ex was waiting out there for over 20 minutes, unknown to m'lady, waiting for him to come out and take him to his new home.  Let me pause here and say that his house? is a one bedroom apartment.  He already has the 17 year old living over there. The 17 year old and 15 year do not get along together, they get into fist fights.

So, she tells me all of this after the fact.  I kinda lost it, I do admit.  Why on earth are you bowing to that man and his threats? YOU have legal custody of that boy!  I got pushy with her: you have already lost 3 and now you are going to lose a minor.  You are going to end up losing all of them!  Well, she  got all the kids, got into the van, drove over there. I told her to be ready to dial 911.  And sure enough, she had to.  The boy actually twisted her arm in trying to get the phone out of her hand, which he did!  This while the ex stood there and did NOTHING to stop that boy's abuse towards her!

Police came, told ex he was going to get into a lot of trouble if he was going to try to force this issue, better force him to go home, if you want to take her to court to get custody, that's your option.  So, this guy has the audacity to say well she dropped him off a long way away from here and I didn't know where he was at!  He doesn't even care, just throwing that in there.  M'lady looks at the cops, yeah after he started cussing me out in my car and verbally abusing me and all the rest of it!  The cops look her square in the eye, tell her: "If you have any problems with that child tonight, you call us and we'll come out and take him".

Fast forward.  He's in a rampage at home.  Blah blah blahh.  Threats and all the rest of it.  Just not going to go into all of that boy's endless ramblings and garbage.  This kid contacts me last night on Facebook and says: Your girlfriend is a liar and a hypocrite.

I was infuriated but I refrained.  I told him he was angry and upset, we can talk when he calms down, that was that.  Fast forward to this morning.  He and 14 year old decide they are not going to go to church.  She says fine, you can stay outside in the cold and rain while we are gone.  She goes to church, calls ATT and has his phone shut off.  Yup, good thing, the people he is talking to are filling his mind with evil.  She gets home from church.  They found an unlocked window, they were inside when she got there. He demands his phone be turned on.  She refuses, and also, she had already told him the relationship with the girl is cut off.

He says well, okay then, since you aren't going to turn my phone on, you aren't going to get your laptop back!  I'm telling you, this kid!  She says what?  This laptop has all over her programming stuff on it for the companies she does programming for.  She just looked at him and said: I'll give you 5 seconds to get me my laptop or I'm calling the police.  He called her bluff? Yeah, she got her cellphone out and started dialing 911.  Okay, okay!!  Life is going to get very difficult for that boy now.  He told her yesterday to "get out of my life!".  Hurtful thing to say to your own mom.

Anyway.  Now Sunday afternoon.  Went to church this morning, awesome service! Got out and called her.  She was telling me all that had transpired all the way up til' - now - actually.  She is turning the phone back on long enough for him to - contact me.  No, I didn't ask, he asked her to please let him speak to me via text.  He is not  going to hear what he wants to hear from me.  He has abused my girlfriend verbally and even twisting her arm yesterday, I am sick of it.  I have tried to be nice but yet firm with him all this time, but enough is enough.  If he really does contact me, he probably won't want to hear from me again because I am going to hammer him for the abusive treatment he has given her.

.......and if he's gong to contact me, better be soon! I want to watch the Superbowl and I want to get a short nap in in between this conversation and before the kickoff!

G'day.

ben


















;

Friday!  Tired! lol.  Didn't sleep too well last night and now? I will pay for it at work.
Busy weekend in store.
Clean, clean, clean.
Scrub out and vacuum the inside of the car, my room, bathroom living room, etc.
Actually, it's all pretty good right except the car!
Never-the-less, I told her to not expect to see me on FB so much this weekend as I prepare for her arrival this coming week, Wednesday to be precise.

George and Susan have birthday dinner planned for me and her as well.  She says she doesn't care what we do, but she's going to be hanging all over me looking for attention, lol.  Okay!

I don't have much to say this morning.  Just putting out a few words.  End of month. Tomorrow, the "temporary" tenant is leaving and on the third, the new ones are moving in.  Supposedly.  I never call those things done deal until they are - done deals, ie: they've handed me the money.  After that, I don't care if they move in or not! I got the money!

Well, gotta prepare myself for this weekend.  Can't really think of everything right now, my head a bit cloudy from not getting enough sleep.  Oh well! Last day my Starbuck's mug works for free lattes, will take advantage of it!

G'day.

ben

Definitely going to drag her up to the mountains to the property and we will spend at least one night there.  Maybe 2.  It's so beautiful and peaceful up there.  Maybe a bit cold at this time of year but there are heaters in the trailers and a pit to build a nice fire :)  I haven't built too many fires up there in the past because - I - was - alone.  I mean, I can entertain myself to a point.  Now that I think about it, it seems the world revolves around couples, married or otherwise.  If you don't have a mate to talk with the other guy's mate......well that is a side benefit, maybe, in the future.  

So yeah.  I'm still trying to find a ring, definitely plan on popping the question!  Maybe up there! Though in this electronic age, it would be cool to get it on video.  

I decided today to contact her 17 year old.  He's gone, out of the house, done, living with the ex, who knows how that will go.  But it wasn't anything preachy.  Just want to keep in contact with him. If this all works out I want him to feel comfortable with me and maybe he'll even come back home.  Or not, don't know.  But I feel the need to reach out. So, I was heartened to get some replies and have a conversation.

Meanwhile, the 15 year old, in his overwhelming desire to be with his girl, lied to me today and was attempting to get me to get his mom to relent, change her mind about him going over there this weekend and do what he wants.  After talking with him and then her, and then eventually finding out about his lies.  I had a few words for him.  No, I didn't bash him.  I just told him trust is earned and easy to lose.  That it hurts to have a person you know and/or love lie to you and make up stories.  Stuff like that. He apologized = sort of - but I wasn't done with what I was trying to convey to him.  

Well the 4th apology from him was desperate in nature. Like he felt like I was rejecting and abandoning him, which wasn't my intent at all, so I changed course with it.  Time to let it go and I did, but still attempting to teach him how words can hurt people.  

Anyway, it's my bed time, I am dead tired.  Lady is just soo much looking forward to coming and yes, I am sooo much looking forward to her visit! Yes!

ben

So, her ex is allegedly coming today to pick up the 17 year old and he is moving in with dad. Good luck! She had all of those boys sign a contract awhile back: you leave, you cannot come back for 3 months.  THe rest of it is: you can leave at anytime, I am not holding you here.   I'll be more than just a little curious to see how all of this plays out.  He will not have a car to drive, I have no idea how he figures he's going to get to school or work.  Well actually I do, he has a savings account that mom has control of and she is giving him all of that money.  It will be enough to buy an economy car.

But not my problem, either.  So the 4th room is rented out.  I regretted doing it after I told them I would.  Not that I couldn't tell them no, now, but whatever. It's more money I can deal with it - for a while.  They are nice people, anyway, a couple, seem to be nice I should say but had a conversation with them that indicated to me that they shouldn't be a problem - of if they are, nothing major.  I posted that ad for room rental but now you can put your phone number on there, so I did and then forgot about it.  These people called me on Saturday when I was out and about and it just took me off guard.

The problem is too many people in the house.  Just too much walking in and out as it is, plus the load on the bathroom, I am going to have to give people access to my bathroom to help handle the load.  I don't really care about that, either, I just don't want to make existing tenants unhappy with having too many people in here.  But, I've pulled the trigger and let the chips fall where they may.  I may go ahead and see if George and his gf want my bedroom - more money per month though - but it would give them space and privacy they are looking for. Their current bedroom is huge, just doesn't have it's own bathroom.

Whatever the case, the countdown goes on.  She'll be here on Wednesday, my birthday.  Superbowl this weekend.  I forgot that I have a Standing Rib Roast sitting in my freezer! I bought it before I went to m'lady's house, stuck it in the freezer and forgot about it! I think I'll cook that sucker while she's here!

G'day.

ben

Countdown to her arrival: 8 days.
Meanwhile, getting things tidied up around here.
And, meanwhile, listening to the ranting of a 15 year old boy proclaiming his disdain for his mom's insistence the he cannot yet kiss his girlfriend and inappropriate touching is also out the window.

That was yesterday. She contacts me via FB informing me that he is pissed at her and the he thinks I will take his side and that he is going to be texting me.  And so it began, 15 minute later with the following text message, sent from boy:  " I'm tired of this shit ".  


This was in reference to mom's dictatorial that such was going to be with that girl and if not, she would cut it off.  So, the boy starts talking about moving out.  To where, I ask, dad's?  No car.  No huge property to ride your dirt bike around.  How are you going to get to school?  He works night shift.  "She can't run my life like she thinks she can I'm 16 almost i can make my own decisions" I hate to sound like I am mocking the boy, but that got me to laughing.

Another quote from the boy: "I'm not moving out she needs me and she knows it". This is the way this conversation went for a little bit until I had enough of it and started digging in.  Though his statement is true, she does need him around there, he's the only one that will do all the work outside with the cows and fixing fence lines to keep the cows in and all the rest of it.  I certainly wasn't going to dignify that statement with a ohhhh, yes, she reallllly needs you.  

I got into his business.  And then I told this boy that if I move out there and become a part of that family, he'll think her intrusions were a cake walk compared to me.  Not only that, but I will ask her to hand over all decision making concerning the older ones to me - she can't deal with them, they are too much for her to handle.  Too many of them and they "attack" her at times all at once.  Size matters as well in this case, she is a small, petite woman, I am 205 pounds standing 6'2" tall and veritably loom over all over those teenage boys.

This went on for 2 hours.  Why "waste" that much time with him? .....though I don't consider it a waste of time, I just know how lots of people think, especially when dealing with other people's kids.  The answer to that question, however, is because no-one else will.  Mom, yes, but no adult male figures are any part of those boys' lives.  Their dad is MIA.  He only showed up for the fun part at the beginning after that he is missing.  He wants nothing to do with them.  He refuses to take them even when it's his court-agreed time to take them. When he does finally take them, it's for a very short period of time, stuffs them in front of a TV, rents movies and that's his involvement with them.

So yes, especially if they contact me first, I will invest the time into them to try and help them understand what life is really about versus the contorted thinking that they get from their dad.  REALLY contorted thinking.  Though some of their thinking can just be attributed to the way teenagers see things versus the way things really are.  The 17 year old is intent on moving in with his dad, but dad, after initially accepting, is giving my lady a time on the phone about it: he really doesn't want him over there.  Shocking surprise. She doesn't think it's going to happen, he will back out of it and tell the boy no, he can't move in.  We'll see, the kid wants to move out on Friday.  She took the car keys and the house keys away from him.  He can't drive anywhere and if he's not home by whatever time she declares, he's locked out.

I kinda helped  her with that, lol.  That kid is so incredibly disrespectful to her.  I give the 15 year old much more hope than the 17 year old.  I contacted the 15 year old after all the heavy stuff over and lightened up a bit and his factual statement was: dude don't worry (I wasn't just his personality) and then: we are good.  So, cool that cause' I was digging into his nerves last night.

As for m'lady, well, she just sat on the sidelines, not that we weren't talking but sat the same time she likes the fact that I am taking a personal interest in all of them.  I got lots to do in the next 7 days and best be getting to it.  I also am awaiting to find out whether or not I get the Safe Driver Award bonus.  I mean, by this time in the month, they usually have that list out -- they send out a list every month of who is getting it nationwide with their names and the amount of time they have spent with the company.  I would REALLY like to get that bonus, that would help things out immensely right now.

Well, time to be off to work.

G'day.

ben

Something must have changed about my appearance?  Or maybe I just haven't been noticing?  Or what?  I was standing at a Starbuck's earlier - my lady got me that cup that has free refills for the entire month of January and yes, I have taken quite the advantage of it! - and felt eyes on me.  I din't recognize I felt the eyes, I just looked up in the direction of the person and there was the lady sitting in a chair, staring at me with a smile on her face.  We locked eyes for a moment and the she looked away.  She was with another guy.

Several times in recent times I have been catching ladies looking at me.  I don't find that abnormal, at all, but I just either haven't been noticing it or whatever about my appearance or - something - has changed.  I am smiling more, lol, I know that for a fact and I am doing that regardless of anyone around or not! Okay! I was  just tickled me that this lady was looking at me so intently until I caught her off guard and locked eyes with her.

She is looking forward to her visit here, even though in the last couple days it's been pretty rough.  I mean, really rough.  I can't wait to show her a good time, a true vacation, away from all those kids and especially the ones mouthing off to her and dropping the f bombs, using the rest of the cusswords in the spectrum, refusing to do anything she tells them to do and basically the shittiest attitude you could possibly think of, that's what goes on.

The 17 year old is so far off in his thinking, I can't imagine WHAT is going to happen to him after he leaves the house.  He has NO clue how good he has it and is totally unappreciative of everything she does for him.  He declared today that he's moving out.  Great, I said to her, let him go!  He needs to learn and obviously that ain't gonna happen at your house! He's out for a week and he's gonna find out just how hard it is.  No car, no job, no money.  He posted on his Facebook wall that he needs a place to stay and will also need a ride to school.  Please.  I do NOT take pleasure in another person's calamity, as the bible puts, not at all.  I just fear that even thoughts of suicide and ending it will occur because he is so totally unprepared, mentally, for what's going to come at him.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Sorry folks!  I just find myself getting caught up in another life that is 1,200 miles away! I forget to finish entries, I must have a dozen drafts sitting in there that I haven't posted!

Let's get into yesterday! Cause it was crazy!

She is at her store, she calls the 17 year old up to get out of bed and bring the pickup down to the store and empty the trash.  They put the trash in that back of it and haul it to the store instead of paying for waste service at their house.  He gets there and starts getting into it with her yet again about the same old things: you should be doing this, you don't buy enough milk, yada yada yada.  She says whatever and he throws the keys to the gate at her, tells her to f*** off and then gets in the truck -which is hers, not his - and goes home!

When he gets home, he posts on his Facebook wall that he's moving and needs a place to stay and oh, btw, I will need a ride to school!  It was shortly after that that I was talking to her on the phone and she was asking my advice.  He crossed the line! He wants to leave!  Yet, he has nowhere to go so he's still at home.  it's time to lay down the law! No more cussing, no more foulness with you, shut up and leave!  NO MORE!  He quit his job, he doesn't have any money, was demanding $40 from her which she refused to give him.  She took the car keys away from him - not his car either that he drives, that's also hers - and gave him the law.  If you can't talk to me nice, don't talk to me at all!  That was my suggestion - stern suggestion though - she has tolerated more than enough from a kid that is about to turn 18, screw that!  That boy can just shut his da** mouth!  If he doesn't, kick his @$$ out. You don't need that in your home! So that's where that stands, for now.  Do NOT back off and stick to your guns!

Next, the 15 year old.  He goes on this date with a 13 year old girl.  The girl's mother picks him up and they are off doing whatever the entire day.  He's texting me here and there - I dunno, we have something of a relationship going where we talk about things and he even asks for advice - and then he bids me a goodbye.  No biggies there, but I was talking with my lady all day long yesterday and then at around 8, I asked when the 15 year old was coming home?  Ding ding ding!  I didn't know that he had told her he would be home no later than 5!  We got so completely wrapped up in talking about the 17 year old and what to do with him that the 15 year old totally slipped her mind.  Well I am not there, I thought he might be home, but didn't know for sure, hence I asked.

So she tries to text him.  No answer. Ooops!  I'm thinking, what is with the mom of this girl that she doesn't keep in touch with 15's mom? Especially having him all day long - no communication whatsoever.  My lady has so much going on and dealing with that 17 year old, things slip her mind.  So she forgot to save the other mom's phone number.  She then finds a text in her phone from a phone number she doesn't recognize, it's the girl's phone (does everyone on earth have an Iphone? even kids? Cause I don't have one!).  it wasn't asking if he could stay longer, it was telling her he was staying longer to watch a movie with them!  I have become my lady's advice/suggestion factory.  She asks,, I tell her.  I was ALL over my son at that age!  Texting him, driving around to find him and surprise visits, got my inspiration from the movie Uncle Buck - funny movie but a couple of good ideas in there, really, on keeping track of your teenage kids.

It rang with me: yes, I will just make sure he calls me every hour on the hour and I will know where he is going and yes, I will show up sometimes to let him have the idea that he isn't going to get away with much of anything!  That's how I raised my boy.  Back to this 15 year old.  If there is one thing that is certain, that boy KNOWS not to mess with momma on communication.  She gets back on with him and frankly tells him not to push her or this whole thing is going to be cut off.  Oops.  Boy is in "love", he doesn't want that.  I was talking to my lady, like what on earth is this woman thinking? The other mom that is?  Your son has been over there almost 11 hours, hon, it's time for him to come home, screw the movie! Don't text them, CALL that number and ask to speak to the mom!  Do you think that woman would like it if the situation was reversed? I'l tell you what, dear, if it were me, I would have driven over there, showed up on their doorstep, smiled at them and said, yup, it's time for my boy to come home.  THAT would get the message across pretty plain and clear!  And yes, that is exactly what I would have done!

Turns out the boy's phone allegedly isn't working over there, bad reception.  Is that a valid excuse? NO!  Well I dunno what my lady said to them but they were out of there and heading back in a hurry!  Come in the door, they all said they were sorry. If there is one person that should be saying they're sorry, it's that mom!  So then, m'lady shows the mom a pic of me and she's like, wow, he's hot!  LOL!!!  Then come to find out the 15 year was talking about me to them while they were over there.  Okay,  I get it finally, the kid obviously thinks highly of me.  I don't say that in vain or think I'm anything great, but I have spent ample amounts of time helping this kid to think things through, a thing he hasn't exactly mastered yet.  He posted something on his FB wall the other day out of extreme anger, I contacted him and we had a rather long discussion.  I mean, threatening another kid on FB not a good idea.  The school he goes to will boot any kids that get into fights, period. Strict policy and they will boot them even if the fight doesn't happen on school grounds.  So, trying to get the boy to think:  Umm, dude, you haven't read about schools that boot students for some of the stuff they have posted on their FB wall? Employers firing employees for same such?  Next thing I know, he says he deleted, and thanks man.

Well anyway.  My suggestions: 6 hours max date.  Next date at your house,not hers.  Text every hour on next date over there.  CALL and ASK permission if something changes.  Next date is going to be at m'lady's house and yes, she will be all over them, it will be totally supervised and that will be that.

Now then.  Countdown to her visit.  Still haven't found a ring! Well I did, but I decided better to wait until the first and get some tenant money in.  Yes, I am seriously zeroing in on the decision to ask her to marry me.  But, I just still have thing in my head: wait until after next visit, no kids around, spend some quality time together, let's make sure that this is right for both of us.  So that's really the only thing holding me back right now.  How do we do without kids around? Okay, we had plenty of time without kids around on both of my trips out there, but on this trip, there ARE no kids to interfere.  Yes, they may text her asking her stuff - like she imposed a rule while she's gone: the kids are to go NOWHERE. Well, to school yes but otherwise nothing else.  In other words, they are prolly going to be texting her: can we PLEASE go here or there? Or, what are you two doing?  Or, did he propose to you yet? LOL.

Enough for one entry!

ben

Dear Fin:
I suspect it will actually be a good birthday for me as well.  My lady will be here, George is making us dinner at his urging and George and Susan are good company.  I will be with my lady alone, no kids.  Even if we go NO WHERE on day 1, that is all good with me.  I will plan on whatever for the next day.  A road trip around the state would be cool.  A trip to the Grand Canyon or other such places that we have in our state would be nice as well. We are definitely going to go to my mom's property and spend some time up there.  It's colder up there so snuggling is even nicer : )

______________________________________________________

Meanwhile, I finally figured the 17 year old out.  Umm, no, not really, but I came to the understanding of some of his issues so, the shy person that I am and concerned about people and wondering where their lives are going, especially teenagers who are somewhat clueless, I started texting him a series of questions.  Yup, mom gave me his phone number a while back, I have texted him before and nothing terribly ill coming from him but not abusing it either.

This went on for quite a while, hours actually. I finally got an understanding of where he is coming from. I am not going to go into details, this is the worldwide web,  don't feel comfortable talking about some of the intimate details of another person's problems here, so I will leave it at that.

I also talked to the 15 year old at great length today - he was getting into some things as well.  This isn't anything evil or against the law or whatever, just personal issues and that, as well, will stay off the WWW.  It is interesting that they are talking to me so freely, though.

________________________________________________________

Thursday morning.  Still contemplating this whole situation.

But I need to turn that off for a while.  Got a busy day at work - finally! - and will keep me trucking all over the place, should be all the way up until quitting time.  I kinda need to give my brain a rest on all this analyzation (I had to look that word up on spelling cause spell check says it's wrong!) and just give it a rest for a day.  Yeah right, good luck to me on that one!  Especially when I start getting messages from any of over half a dozen kids!

Enough.  I don't really feel like writing much this morning.

ben

Tuesday.
Long, boring day at work. Did not get anything to do until around 12:45 pm and that was a very small and short-lived delivery to a job site not far from our branch.  It is a bit disconcerting to see us going through this again - the entire region is going through the same thing.  In the past, that meant layoffs/pink slips.  They've hired a bunch of new people - but fortunately none of them are drivers and there are only 3 of us - 2 from the main branch and me from the East Valley branch - that have been there a long time and we know what we are doing. That doesn't make any of us non-expendable, but it is hopefully at least a bit helpful.

As for the misses and I, just biding our time until she comes out here.  I am hopeful for a good ending to this 3rd visit with each other.  But who knows.  She is coming on my birthday which also happens to be my 50th birthday.  I didn't have too big a problem hitting 40, but hitting 50?  Not really like that at all.  I know, it's not that bad, whatever, it is for me, at least for now.  I'll get over it but going out and having a fun time not really anything I was looking forward to doing, but she is insisting that we go do something.  This is a brace-myself moment for me, not the part being with her but yes, hitting the big 5-0.

2:00 am.  Black Dane.  Gets up out of bed running to the door, I wake up instantly, turn on the light and there he is, s****** all over the place while walking around.  Piss me off.  That dog doesn't even try to wake me up.  Threw his @$$ out, cleaned up and extensive amount of mess and left him out for the rest of the night and day.  Can't believe that dog.  Every other dog will wake me up, come stick their muzzle in my face, but noooooo, not Prince.  Just get up and start crapping everywhere.  He does it again and his days sleeping in my bedroom are done.  He even has his own bed, for crying out loud.  Whatever.  Just a very rude awakening to that site and smell at that hour of the night.

Her kids.  Have talked at great length to the 15 and 17 year old - yes, even more than what I last reported.  But the 17 year old is living in some sort of unrealistic dream world.  I'm not going to sit here and bash the boy, he is a product of his upbringing.  A lack of a dad's involvement and even a cold shoulder from his dad at this point.  He is, simply put, not ready for the real world and if his attitude towards his mother continues the way it's been going, he is in for a rude awakening.  If he were to be put out on the streets right now, he would probably not make it.  I both feel for him and wonder about his attitude at the same time. And all that he believes........

The 15 year old goes back and forth between obedience and doing what he is told and disobedience and either mouthing off or simply ignoring her altogether.  Not really going to go into the details, he's actually a good kid but has some anger issues.  Well they're both good kids, IMO they have potential just need some strong guidance to steer them in the right direction.  They absolutely to not get that guidance from their dad, at least from what I can see and hear.

Whatever the case, I spend quantitative amounts of time thinking about actually moving out there and living out there versus what I am doing right now.  At times, I think, what am I thinking about doing here?  Going to live with a lady that has all these rebellious teenagers?  Why would I want to subject myself to that?!!  Then I think about my 2, week-long visits there and consider that they did not act out when I was there.  But I know teenagers.  I may be a LOT bigger than them, but teenagers tend to push the limits.  Go as far as they can and see what happens.  Are you going to cave, are you going to be able to deal with it, what?  I'd have to live with all of this, therefore, yes, I need to give it serious consideration and thought.

Not shying away, but count the costs, as the Bible puts it in Luke 14:28 puts it, though that is concerning counting the costs of becoming a disciple of Christ.  Still, I won't just blindly jump into this and not give serious consideration to what I am leaving behind and what I am walking into.  A house that needs a great deal of attention and repairs, a property that is beautiful but also needs some attention, kids that have lost their way.  Beautiful lady though, : ).  Moving to a place where I know absolutely no-one, having to start all over again in a different church (and from what I am seeing of the church she is going to, I don't much care for it), etc etc etc.  It's a lot to take in.

Susan came out a while back and gave me a look and said she wrote down on a piece of paper when she moved out here from California the pro's and the con's and gave me the suggestion that I do the same, so that is what I have been doing.

As for today, I am tired.  That dog doing that in the middle of the night. It's not like you can just turn over and go back to sleep.  The smell is obnoxious, you have no choice but to get up and deal with it, including getting out the carpet cleaning machine and clean the carpet - and clean it well.

Enough.  She has been busy all day and we haven't had chance to talk that much. Her insurance agent should be leaving soon and then we can spend some time talking!

ben

Saturday morning.
Have to replace front brakes and one of the rotors today, plus a list of things I want to get done around the house.  So talking with her all morning long not helpful in doing anything! We both had to force ourselves to say bye for now and get going with the day.

ALL of her boys were giving her hell last night, though.  It's one thing when one of them is going haywire, it's totally different when all 5 off them have gone off the deep end and whining, yelling, dropping f bombs, slamming things around, etc. etc. etc.  Very little I can do from here except seek the Lord and talk to those boys whenever they feel open to talk about it, which seems to go in cycles.  And right now, the 15 year old isn't talking and is angry.  But I've pretty much got him nailed: hormones, girls on his mind, not liking restriction of freedoms but won't do anything around the house, either.  He flat refuses at this point to do anything at all.

The 17 year old I am talking with - at his pace.  He flat out told me in message that he only has ONE friend, that's his girlfriend and he doesn't know how to start relationships/build friendships with anyone.  For some people that is easier than for others, that's a fact.  He told me that at previous school - it was a private school - that the seniors were all making fun of him the entire time he was there, told me he didn't have the guts to stand up to them  and that he pretty much closed himself down at that point.  His dad told him HE (and rest of the kids) are the reason they got divorced and blames him for it!  Can you believe that?!! What kind of father would tell his kids that?  But the dad is the most messed up one of them all.  Goes and lives in a 1 bedroom apartment and gets a car that can only hold a few of the kids so he doesn't have to deal with them.

This has taken literally months to even get a conversation going with this kid.  I'm not pushy, I just let things go at their own pace and whatever happens, I pray about it and give it up to the Lord.  When I was at Encounter group last night - intense prayer meeting that is held on some Fridays of the month - I heard a word from the Lord and had a vision about this kid and yes, when I got home, I told him I received something for him and did he want to hear/read it?  Yes he did but by that time the "all hell broke loose" scenario had already taken place and mom was mad and had shut off the wifi.  I asked if she would turn it back on at least for a few minutes so I could send it to him and then she can turn it back off.

Ummm, pause in that one.  15 year old just texted me that "mom is calling the cops so you better talk some freaking sense into her". That kid won't get anywhere with me talking to me like that.  He's just full of anger and resentment and I have yet to find out WHY he is so angry.

Well that started off a slew of text messages between him and I.  I have little sympathy for a 15 year old boy that is mouthing off to his mother and getting extremely angry.  But I am trying to talk to him in such a way as he will receive what I am saying without just blowing me off and then not really getting any good input from anyone.  An hour of that since this started and I am done with it.  I can't spend my entire day dealing with these boys, at least not from here.  There, different story.

Anyway, back to other story, I sent the message - to the 17 year old - and then he asked if he could read it and think about it and then get back to me tomorrow afternoon after work - which is today.  Of course!  So that's where that sits.

As for her, she admittedly has no clue how to deal with teenage boys. Teenage girls, yes, boys, she says she just doesn't know how to deal with them.  Then the ex and the things he tells those kids.......gag.

Well, enough. I am not getting anything done and it's already 10 am!

Off to the races!

ben

It's not that I forget to write in my blog.  Not at all. But an entire week has passed since my last entry.  I have been so caught up in talking with Valerie and almost all of her boys - they need help in a desperate way - that I just don't find the time to finish a normal blog entry for me.  I have several started in drafts for this week which were never finished.

But those boys - they need so much help in such a big way.  They are hurting, they are in pain, they don't know how to deal with it.  The 17 year old, who has been totally set against me all this time, not wanting anything to do with me - shocked me earlier this week.  I got online in the morning for work as I normally do, got on Facebook and saw a message waiting to be read.  It was him, asking me some questions about his mom and the way she is treating him.

It's late - for me - almost 11 - so I'm going to bypass a lot of stuff.  We started talking a lot on FB messages - he revealed a lot of things about himself that doesn't go to anyone else - mostly because he doesn't have anyone else but his girlfriend to talk to.  So anyway, I went to church tonight and as usual, started worshiping and praising the Lord, praying and seeking God and His presence.  It didn't take long and the Lord started speaking to me about this kid who in the eyes of the law will be an adult in just a few months.

Oh I hate to bypass so much stuff.  I think I will write this out tomorrow instead. I am exhausted and everything that happened to night just took it out of me - though I am not complaining at all.

Whatever the case, work week is over, it's late Friday night and yes, I am going to bed.

ben

Small world.  Went to Applebee's - there's a very cool bartender named Monica there that I have gotten to know over time.  No, this is NOTHING like THAT.  Just friends, really!  We have talked about everything under the sun, including love life and yes, she is married so if that doesn't put your doubts to rest, then nothing will.  So anyway, I go traipsing in there at opening time this morning, she's standing there looking at me in shock.  "I was just thinking about you earlier this morning, wondering what happened to you and if you had gotten married yet?" I said no, but if things go the way I'd like to see it, I'll be getting married this summer.  She was like, ohhh, wow, okay, I thought you had already done that.

I can have friends that are girls and just be cool with them.  So she started saying something about this dude that came down here from Colorado and needed a place to live, she thought of me and renting out rooms.  Oh really?  What was his name? i asked.  Patrick. Patrick? From Colorado? Drives a Mercedes?  Came down here to play golf?  Recently lost his job?  She gives me this odd look, why yes!  Well, he already IS living with me!  We're just looking at each other like, really? I don't go there too often, it's a bit expensive, well not really that expensive for one person, I just have other things to do with my money than spend at restaurants too often.  But once in a while is okay.

I all but proposed to her today.  I would have gone there, but IMO proposing over the phone or internet would be pretty lame, lame indeed.  Just gonna have to wait either until she comes this trip or my next trip there, not sure yet which. Of course, finding out the ring size of a person 1,200 miles away from me has turned into an extremely elusive pursuit, attempting to ask her best friend, one of her sons, and contemplating calling her employee at her store.  It is  a gold and silver buying store and they get rings in there all the time, perhaps he knows her ring size.  Perhaps not, but even if not, maybe he'll help me find out.  If that fails then, I dunno what.  Propose without a ring? Yikes.

Ohhh, wait a minute! Her best friend just FB messaged me and told me she will find out! Woohoooo! She even has a pretty good excuse - 2 of her kids are getting engaged soon enough and they are going to need a ring.  No, prolly wouldn't use someone else's in real life, but hopefully it will work to get the size.........

.......was interrupted.  Stopped writing this 8 hours ago.  Too late to finish now, lol.

ben

It's official.  She is coming out on the 5th of February and leaving on the 10th.  I'm taking 2 days off - kinda getting hard to keep taking time off cause' my hours for vacation are dwindling pretty good and we're not even out of the first month of the year yet - but it should be a good time.  She hasn't been on a vacation in a long, long time and the ones she has been on have been with all those kids,  so a respite away from all of that should do her some good.  And should give us a definitive clue as to whether this is going to go on or not.

She wants to either come here or me go there every month, but that's just not possible.  Not for extended stays, not even short time off will cut it as I will not let my vacation hours slip below 40 available.  Gotta have time available for the just-in--case type of scenario.  I have other hours available, but I am saving them for a potential move to Texas.  And goodness gracious, how am I going to do THAT?!! I started going down that road in my mind and cut it off quickly. There is no reason to go there until there is an engagement announcement. Then I will start thinking about that, because honey, that is going to be quite the project!

But, uhhh, wow.  Time to take a step back, take a deep breath and takealookit what I am getting myself into here.  Marriage.  I'm not afraid of marriage per se, but moving to Texas!  1,200 miles away from home!  That's gotta sink in a bit I think.  Yes, I know I say a lot that I hate living in Phoenix, but I have family ties here and at least some people that I call true friends.

Well whatever.  Slowest work week of my life.  Seemingly anyway.  I knew I should have forced myself to get up at or at least near my normal wake up time and I didn't  Sleeping in every single day, staying up late every night - on the vacation that is.  So this week - still paying for it.  If there's a next trip, I'm gonna have to just force myself to get up  no later than 6 am and that's that.  Of course, saying that and doing that can be 2 completely different things, lol.

Thursday's here.

G'day.

ben

Pardon the change in this blog's direction while I continue to write out my feelings and thoughts of what is going on in my life and attempting to ensure within myself that the ultimate end goal for any relationship, at least IMO, is marriage.  To that end my mind has wandered through endless scenarios and thought up every problem that might arise that could put a wedge between us and the idea that these things need to be talked through with her before I make the commitment.

This isn't about having second thoughts, it's about going through all the thoughts and emotions first so there will be no second thoughts if/when I decide to move on with this.  I've already been in a bad marriage, a second is hardly a palatable thought.  There are so many tangibles in this situation with all those kids, her ex, a huge house that has a lot of problems, this that and the other thing.

At least I have spent 2 weeks out there now and have immersed myself in that situation and know what I am getting into.

That's where I'm at with this.

ben

There are some differences that we have that will need to come into alignment.  One thing I am not willing to budge on and that's a clean house.  It doesn't have to be immaculate, but it does need to be presentable. To me, that means if a guest comes over, they look around and think nice clean place, not, gee, what a hell-hole.  Her house is a disaster.  I am not dissing her, but her kids run amok and they literally throw trash on the floor.

I - flatly - informed her that this would have to change.  If that had to happen after my arrival (permanent), then so beit, but those boys and those little girls will be in for a rude awakening.  I don't care how long it takes, I don't care how much  resistance I get, that house is going to get cleaned up and it's going to stay that way.  It is a veritable disaster, though this time around the living room was pretty clean and the kitchen wasn't too bad.  The rest of the place, though, not a happening event. I cannot possibly live in such an environment and I have let her know that several times over.

The other issue that we don't see eye to eye on is how to treat those kids in terms of giving them things.  I did not withhold things from my son when he was growing up.  I gave him things and helped whenever I could.  Yes he had to do chores and all of that but I never told him he could have something and then yank it from him because of whatever he did "wrong".  We made things right and then he got whatever.  I understand issues with money, but this is a mindset she has and it is a very stern mindset.  Should they work around the house? Absolutely.  Should they be deprived of things that, at least for me, are a normal part of growing up? Absolutely not.

The most recent example is her desire to do away with internet in the house.  I did not grow up with the internet but that is because it didn't exist at that time.  Now, it not only exists, just about everyone has it.  It is used for communication, work, socialization, finding out things, some bad things, yes, but it is a relevant part of much of Americana.  She stated she has it on her phone, she is going to pull the plug on the house internet.  I just couldn't disagree with her more on that one.

Another issue was of her 17 year old boy.  He wanted a TV for his PS3.  Instead, she gave him a computer monitor and they bought an adapter for it. Turns out the wrong adapter and they don't much such a thing.  So the boy is all flustered.  Fast forward, he comes home one night while I'm there with a new 23 inch flat screen from Walmart that cost about a hundred bucks. But, he owes her money for phone and car insurance.  She makes them pay for that which I did with my son - but not all the time. There were occasions when I let it slide.  Many of them.  So they get into it and she turns to me, putting me on the spot and asking me what I would do.  I didn't want to make her look bad in front of her boys, because if it were me, I would have already found him a TV on Craigslist LONG before this ever got to the point it did, bought it for him and given it to him.

They have no TV access in the house excepting her room.  She has something called Sky Angel which is apparently going out of business and she is going to have nothing.  I am not a big fan of TV, but I always have it in the house for everyone else.

I can see where the boys are in a pressure cooker and come to explosions frequently. No Wifi/internet, no TV, no "luxuries" afforded to them hardly ever.  I'm a giver.  Especially to my boy, I gave my son things when he was growing up.  I told the 15 year old I would buy him a new motocross helmet, his current one is a piece of junk and now he's going to be on a much larger bike, he needs a good one.  Well, he got tude' with everyone yesterday so she texts me and tells me "don't get him a helmet" because of it.  This is not my first reaction to such things.  My reaction is to find out what's going on with the boy and then discuss how to change it, not automatically tell him well you did this, so you can't have that.  I just don't think like that.  I like solutions.  So I got on texting with the boy and he admitted that he couldn't get the bike started and he was pissed about it, came into the house and took it out on everyone.

He KNEW that bike wouldn't run when he got it, it needs a new carburetor.  So I discussed with him about his attitude and asked him if he could find it within himself to go and just apologize to everyone.  I also told him that regardless, I told him I would get him a helmet, I would get him one, I wouldn't tell him things and then go back on it.  So, next thing I know, both he and she are texting me that he apologized, admitted he had gotten pissy because of the bike and basically took everything back.

To me, that's how you deal with kids.  Give them the tools to figure it out for themselves.  I have been discussing with her about how to make her life easier by not making life so difficult for those boys.  Her approach has not been working and that's what I said to her.  For example, when one of them doesn't finish a chore the way she wants it, try something different.  Gee, that is a great job you did there, but I need to you do this and that and then it will be done versus cranking all over them, never giving them any positive reinforcement and always dumping them with negative stuff.  She got the message, not only from me but her best friend and has started to try and change her attitude towards them.  It will only make  her life that much easier, especially considering how many of them she has.

Yes, there is give and take, I just figure anything like that the might create an obstacle after the knot is tied is better to be discussed before hand and everyone understands where each other is coming from and how are we going to work through it to resolve the issues.  

I am incredibly exhausted today.  I did not sleep well, at all, last night and I paid for it all day today.  I am still extremely tired from the lack of sleep and yes, a bit cranky and irritable.  She wants me to call her and as much as I want to do that, I also don't want to come off foul because of my lack of sleep last night and the cloud that is over me right now.  What to do, lol.

ben

New Year's 2013 Timeline

Day 1. Saturday
Meet her at TYR.  Visit one of her friends - this lady has 10 children.  Interesting housing situation (I am not trying to denigrate or look down on her, but just something you would see in the hills).  Nice visit though short, maybe an hour and we left.  Over to Smash Burger and sit there for quite a while snuggling next to each other, eating good hamburgers and talking about whatever.  Different stops on the way back to her house and then home.  Not quite so shocking to walk into that house this time, I pretty much knew what I was going to see, here and experience from the multitude of kids.  Some of this is fuzzy, a lot happened since I was there and day 1 a long time ago.  No, picked up the 3 little ones at babysitter's before heading to her place.  15 year old was all over it, the others a bit shy still.  9 pm and drove her truck back to her store, set up camp and went to sleep.  No, I am not staying at her house, put aside all appearance of evil and potential accusation.

Day 2. Sunday

  Get up, get out of there, stop for a dozen donuts for the kids and a large cup of coffee for me.  Umm, there is not a fat kid in the house, btw.  They are all VERY skinny.  Weight not a problem in that family coming from her side, she is all of 5 and  half or so feet tall and 110 pounds.  She WAS at 100 pounds until I started encouraging her to start eating more.  It was Sunday so we headed off to church.  Good service though she was struggling.  12 year old lifted his hands in worship, that was encouraging.  14 year old said he did too, but he was on the other side of m'lady so I didn't see it. Back to her house, load up the 15 passenger van - dead battery. Fired right up with jump start, headed out with 7 kids, her and I to her friends house, about a 3-1/2 hour trip.  Kids not used to anyone buying much of anything for them, so I was a shocker to them.  I'm on vacation, I bought lunch, snacks, drinks.  She doesn't know what to think of me sometimes.  She didn't like some of the stuff I do for them at first, but the response is something completely different than what she is used to.  I am not buying the kid's love, just doing what comes naturally to me.  Arrive sometime later after a trip with a lively exchange between her, me and the boys.  2 boys, actually, sitting on the front bench, talking the entire trip, the rest of the kids behind them, some of them talking among themselves, the rest listening to what's going on.

At the house, I meet her friend and husband. Almost 70 acres of farm/ranch with all kinds of animals out in the country.  The man that the kids are so afraid of turns out to be cool.  We hit it right off.  Talked for hours, then headed down to a huge and very hot bonfire their boys and friends had built to have a party down there with all of us. Cooked hot dogs over the fire and shot the s*** for a couple of hours down there.  Back up to the house - it was very cold out there btw - and then sat down and talked with the guy for a couple of more hours and then off to bed.

Day 3 Monday

Woke up late for me, but that was before just about everyone else.  Took my computer out to kitchen, sat down with her and read the news and whispered back and forth for about 2 hours before everyone started stirring.  I like to read the news even if it's mostly just negative stuff, I want to know what's going on in the world.  They all come out almost at once, strange how that happened.  Shot the breeze with him about airplanes since he's a United captain for quite a while, he was showing me how he picks and chooses what he wants to do for an entire month.  We - him and I - went to a neighbor's pond after that. I pulled out a 4-1/2 large mouth bass - pic posted on my FB wall.  Did that for a while and then he said he got a call saying he has to take his daughter's friend home and his daughter to a guitar class.

We drove around that part of Texas for hours.  Had a great time.  Really, I haven't connected with anyone like that in years.  A lot of years.  I haven't really tried to be honest, long story, don't need to go into that for this synopsis of events.  We got back to their place after having a really good time with him, I mean really, I was amazed at how easily we connected with each other and how we could spend an entire day together without getting bored or otherwise clamming up with each other.  But - we are both talkers and we are both rather opinionated and we are both Christians - so that makes it easier.  I suppose that could also make it much more difficult, but fortunately didn't work out that way.  Home, dinner - good country dinner - bed for me early.  My way of doing things, everyone there knew that before I got there, no problems.

Day 4.  Tuesday.

Get up, talk, have some breakfast, get in the van with all those kids, head home.  She doesn't want to hear them yapping so she wants the 2 in the back.  I say no, let's just deal with them instead of banishing them somewhere, better to deal with them than to try and shove it off.  Exactly what happened, too.  In fact, I pretty much got the upper hand on any crankiness in the van with children that stayed up too late and did not get enough sleep.  Quiet - or we will be stopping the van and getting out.  Mom, can we get something to eat?  NO, we will eat when we get home.  Not.  Stopped for fuel, bought them Subway.  She's gonna have to get used to my way of doing things as much as I am going to have to get used to hers, hence the idea of visiting several times first and coming to that understanding both ways.  I intentionally subjected myself to as much as I could with those kids to get an idea of what I am getting myself into.

Get home.  Hang out for a few hours talking with her.  Boys decide that they are going to go with me to the store, one boy per night.  This was NOT my idea and though I did not object to it, I decided that 2 would have to go for the sake of having a "witness".  Not good to set yourself up for a fail. At the same time, the store is loaded with security cameras running and recording 24 hours per day, so not too worried, but still.  I'm sure you get the gist of what I am saying here.  The 15 and 14 year old, of course, decide they are coming the first night.

Day 5. Wednesday. Drawing a complete blank.  I cannot for the life of me remember what we did the day after we got back from the trip to her friend's house.  Been racking my brain about it, maybe it will come to me eventually.  The 17 year old and the 12 year old came to the store with me that night.   It was an opportunity to get to know the 17 year old more.  He un-clammed himself quite a lot and started talking, when the valve was fully open, he was talking for 2 hours without hardly shutting up. Which was cool, I had been trying to figure out how to get around his barriers.

Day 6.  Thursday
Up early, 17 year had to go to work so I had to get him home to get dressed and get in the car and drive. Got back to the house, hung out with m'lady, and then off to the pond.
  12 year old and 14 year old wanted to go, 15 year old said he was sick though he came out anyway and showed me how to operate the tractor.  He then went inside.  I got to concrete pile and then shut it off.  Thing wouldn't start.  I decided the 15 year old was going to help us regardless.  He came back out but he had changed his mind anyway.  We spent the day attempting to build a small dam to increase the water level of the pond that supplies water for the cows.

It was a good day.  Not because we built a dam, but because I got to spend hours and hours interacting with these boys.  I cannot possibly go into all of it.  But the tractor got stuck once, the tractor was almost tipped over 3 times, and almost slid completely into the pond once.  I was making fun and jokes, it isn't really too hard a thing for kids to be around me for extended periods because I always have something to say about everything.  Got back from that, ate dinner, took a shower.  Hung out with the lady for quite a while and then drove back to the store.  This time, the 15 year old boy and the 10 year old went with me.

Day 7. Friday

Up late.  Up and at em.  NOT.  I was exhausted.  I stayed in bed until 11:00 am, a thing unheard of for me.  Got up, got the boys up, went to Denny's for breakfast, got some donuts, went to the house, visited with m'lady and then got out into that cold - 30 degree weather which is my version of cold thank you - and got busy.  This time with the 10, 12, 14 an 15 year olds in tow.  It was fun. It really was.  Just a lot of bantering and back and forth and sarcasm type of stuff. Those boys never know if I'm being serious or joking, lol.

 Back to the house.  I walk in, take off my work boots - shipped some stuff over UPS instead of paying the money for checked baggage and that included an old pair of work boots - walked into the kitchen and then heard this young voice declare loudly: "I love you Ben!".  I turned around to see the 12 year old with this big grin on his face, so I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him too.  Which I can honestly say - pretty easy to love a person in the Lord regardless of what's going on.  Hurting boy. Long story there, just not going into that here.  Dinner, shower then sat down alone with m'lady and watched a movie called The Notebook.  Love story, I'm not really into those that much but this one was good.  Back to the store, this time with 14 and 12 year old.  The 15 year was begging mom to let him go with us, but she said no and I wasn't going to interfere with that.  Pretty much same scenario, hang out with the boys for a while and then go to bed.

Day 7.  Saturday.  Dragged myself out of bed - the air mattress was pretty comfortable btw and that store and sleeping in it saved me $300 in hotel costs so I wasn't complaining - got the boys up, got out of there and went to Starbucks for my free Latte.  M'lady gave me a big Starbucks cup for Christmas which gives you free lattes every day in January.  Taking HUGE advantage of that.  $5 drink for free, can't beat that.  Stopped at the donut shop - as I did every day we were in town - got the boys some thing called - well I don't remember Kapskies or something, hot dogs baked into a bun with cheese (I call them pigs in a blanket, thanks) and a dozen donuts.  We got back and went straight down to the pond.  Water had found it's way through and though the level was MUCH higher still some work to do on it.

But save it for a later day.  I didn't have much time on Saturday to be with everyone so working on the dam was out of the question.  Perhaps a good rain will come and wash a bunch of junk into it and cause it to stop up, otherwise, there are plenty of sand bags down there that I can stack under water where the water is getting through.  Back up to the house and hanging out with the lady and the boys.  I was dreading Saturday because this time, I definitely did not want to leave.  I wouldn't be seeing her or the boys or the little girls  again for quite a while and that was a bit much for me to take.  So, I relished every moment with all of them and spent the time wisely, just being with them and getting as much in as I could.

I sat there on Craigslist with the 15 year and all the rest watching looking up dirt bikes.  Found one.  He has been waiting so long.  My hotspot was the only working internet in the house.  Hers goes in and out of  service though I guess she does have it on her phone.  I meant for the kids, no internet for quite a while now, she is paying for it but it stopped working and her priorities do not, apparently, include internet for her boys.  I will be going into some of the things I don't necessarily agree with in another posting.  She had stated to him the last time I was there that he could get a bigger motocross dirt bike (motorcycle) but then this time she started back-tracking.  What if he gets hurt, I have all these kids, how am I going to get him to the hospital and deal with the kids at the same time?  I have kept quiet on a few issues that I thought probably should wait for a future interaction.  But this wasn't one of them. Hon, you told that boy he could have a dirt bike, h has been looking for one for 2 months now.  If you tell him now that he can't have one, you are going to lose him.  She has been losing these boys for a while.  You are going to drive the nail into the coffin and he will be gone.  You are going to have a very angry and resentful 15 year old boy on your hands.

My thoughts to her apparently had effect, because we found a bike and he was all over it. Mom, can you take me down there to buy it? Pleeeeeaaaassssseeee mom! She said yes!  I let loose a big sigh of relief.  He looked at me, should I buy it?  Dude, she said yes, YES, get it! I never told him and never will that she had decided to not let him get one.  No need to pour gasoline on an already huge bonfire.  So, all of the rest of what went on at the house before I left was that stuff going on.  Bypassing a lot of stuff, we were alone driving to the airport and just recapped the week and talking and got to the airport and that was it.  By the time I got to DFW airport, I was feeling it.  She texted me: Ben, come home. Yeah. That did me in.

Well, that was all of my trip in a shortened version, though Wednesday simply eludes me.

ben

Is this too good to be true?  How does something like this get dropped on my lap?  I have sought it for a long, long time and when it finally came and now in the middle of it, it is like a dream. I look into the dream and wonder if it will vanish, go away, turn to dust, dry up and wither away.  I ponder a life alone without anyone.  I ponder a life with her and with all those kids.  I wonder about giving up my house and all the work I have put into this property.  Years worth.  I look out my windows and see the fruits of that labor.

I think about the serenity of my current existence and come to the conclusion:  it is only an existence.  It is void of all the things that make a person feel loved and living a life to it's fullest.  What is there here? A desert full of heat.  A family full of contention and people that can't stand to be around one another for more than a few hours, a couple of times a year.  I hate to leave my mom behind, but she has money,she can come visit if she wants to.

I don't feel like I"m leaving my son behind because he has found his path and he is walking in it.  I have let him go.  Not gone forever, but in the spirit of a father letting go of his son, to go forth in life, find out about life, walk his own path, hopefully with the Lord and hopefully a good walk.  I can only pray and hope and yes,take some pride in the path that he has chosen.  I will never lose him, I know that and I have peace in that.

I have some trepidation, maybe call it fear.  What if we get married and then it doesn't turn out well?  What if this and that.  What if I can't make that difference in those boy's lives and all continues to go to hell in a handbasket? Yet I have a peace about this. She told me tonight they were all standing in the kitchen, laughing and having fun with the memory of the 2 days we spent at the pond.  Saying there is finally a real man around.

My mind is so full of clashing thoughts right now.  Can this work? Yes it can work! But what if this?  You'll figure it out.  What if that?  You'll get through it.  Over-analyzing, but maybe not so much.  Trying to dig up every fathomable thing that can happen and attempting to walk myself through it in my mind and come to a realistic conclusion.  I am not having second thoughts, I am attempting to grasp all of this in my mind. In my heart. In my soul.  In my spirit man.

Midnight, call it Sunday morning.  Got home an hour and a half ago. Dogs were all over me, then tenants.  I'm tired but winding down from traveling with a bunch of screaming kids making all kinds of noise in the airplane.  And kicking my seat.  And making me want to do things, such as pull off my belt and take care of business.  But I refrained from doing anything and that was that.

Good trip, though, as far as the visit is concerned.  I had 4 boys traipsing along with me to the lower pond on both Thursday and Friday.  I was intent on building the dam and they were intent on helping me - though the idea of driving a pickup and a tractor were certainly part of the allure. Still, they just hung with me for half a day like flies on honey.  I got the message: they want a man around and they need that kind of attention.  I'm not a person to sit around and do nothing and I do have a sense of humor though my kind is hard for people to figure out at first.  Those 2 days were very productive for me, not in building a dam though I got that 80% finished, but in terms of figuring out whether this is going to work or not.

For me, it isn't just about the Lady, it's about the entire family. I can love her to death but if her kids hate me, then what?  Not a workable situation.  2 days ago, the 12 year old blurted out in front of everyone and much to my surprise: I love you Ben.  He said it again a couple of hours later and then a couple of times since then. Then, the 14 year old - serious issues but the right kind of input would fix it I think - said the same thing.  The 15 year has been saying that since the night those kids found out about m'lady and I.  The 17 year old opened up quite a bit, much more than expected.  Several times, too, not just one occasion.

That was really all I needed.  I can go into more about all of this later, but this is the jist of it with those boys.  She is coming out here in February, no kids, time spent alone, it will be, for me, the final thing I need to make a definitive decision.  If that trip for her to here turns out well, then it is a done deal for me.  Let's do this.  I will propose to her and if she accepts, a entirely new book, not a new chapter.  I don't need new chapters in an old book, I need a fresh book started at page 1.

Enough. I am exhausted.