Neglect of my journal.

Relatively easy thing to do with the kind of schedule I am maintaining at this point.  

Foregone conclusion that if I want any semblance of a life back, I am going to have to find a job that doesn't consume the entire day and have me arriving back at 6 pm. 

Likely difficult to do, though, finding a new job closer to home with better hours.  Getting off at 3 or 4 would be a big improvement.  Just anything that would give me a couple of extra more hours a day would be greatly helpful and I know I will never be able to get that at the place I am working now. Number 1 because they want you to stay until 5, number 2 because I can't afford not to stay until 5 with they pay they are giving me.  

I put in a large number of hours this week, even more than the 50 I am now working.  Great for paychecks, crappy for any kind of personal life. 

This weekend:

Friday night, went on date with fiancee. 

Spent the time basically focusing on each other, no kids around.  Stayed out late, by my standards anyway, didn't get her back to her place until around 11 pm.

Saturday. Well I get up, go over there and we are planning to figure out what to buy to be able to get up high enough to finish the trim in the stairwell.  We are talking about some intimate things outside - Val and I that is - when we hear a bunch of screaming.  Upon further observation, the riding lawnmower that Jacob was operating shot a piece of wood through the front door window.  Trashed door anyway, needed to be replaced long ago.  That was added to the list.  We go out with everyone in the 15 passenger van, do all kinds of running around and get back.  

I start on the door project, some kids in tow - not by request some of these kids just follow me around like a magnet to steel.  Josiah returns home in the pickup with his motorcycle - his dad fixed it for him.  So I'm standing there at the front door doing the work to install a new door. He get the dirt bike off the truck, gets on it and goes to fire it up. Whoa, pardner!  You ain't goin' NOWHERE on that thing without a helmet!!  He gives me this look, I don't care, you are NOT riding that thing without a helmet on, period, end of story.  It isn't "gay" to wear a helmet, especially dirt bikes.  

So he gets off, goes looking for it, comes storming back. All the kids had congregated around it by now and he starts barking orders to for everyone to find his helmet, yelling at the kids for why they lost it? In reality, HE probably lost the damned thing but that is his attitude.  So he had just refused Jacob to EVER ride it and I'm looking at Jacob, you are going to help him find his helmet after he just told you that?  No way! I ain't helping you find s***, find your own freaking helmet!  Nathanael (I call him Nathan, he wants me to call him Nate) says the same thing.  Josiah: Well YOU lost it dumbass, now you find it!  No!  I didn't take your helmet! I didn't touch it, I don't know where it's at!

Josiah says FIND IT NOW! and goes storming off to look somewhere else.  Val is upstairs sleeping, I didn't feel the need to say anything at that point, just see how this is going to play out. Well I should have paid more attention, cause' I had no idea what was going to happen next and if I did I would have physically inserted myself in the middle of it.  I was busy installing that door and I needed to get it done, you can't just have an open space for a front door!

Josiah comes back - he's 75 feet off maybe and yells at Nathanael: why aren't you looking for my helmet?!!!!  I didn't touch your helmet and I am not going to help you!  Josiah is 16 years old, Nathan is 13 and the size difference between the 2 boys is substantial. Again, I'm listening to this, not looking.  I could see everything if I wanted to, it was right in front of me but I tend to get tunnel vision on a project,especially if there is a timeline that it needs to be done by.  The next thing I hear is running and I look up in time to see Josiah running full tilt Nathan, kicks the bike, violently shoves the bike over on it's side, Nathan lands on his elbow on concrete curbing and asphalt at the head and starts screaming in pain.

I got - pissed, putting it mildly - instantly.  But I said nothing to him, just gave him a glare and went up and got Val up.

Josiah was coming off a 2 week ban from seeing his girlfriend.  Meaning today/Sunday, he was to go see her at her parent's house.  He realized his stupidity from a selfish standpoint - not of gee, look what I just did to my little brother, I'm so sorry - and apologized a very lame apology the did not fly with me, but I have no say in this matter at this point.

Whatever.  I just say whatever when there is no real answers.  You can discipline a kid but this is a kid that has been brought up - WRONG - just sees things through such tainted eyes.

Anyway, that scene flying through my head tainted my view of Josiah.  It was a violent act enacted out of pure rage and I don't accept it as anything normal.

After that, finish the door, hang out and then came back to my place with 3 of them - Josiah NOT included - and hung out here.  Sunday, off to church, Josiah in a pissy mood because he was not going to be allowed to go over there until 2 pm.  His pissiness worsening by the minute, I have little respect for him at this point.  He's just a selfish, self-centered, stuck-up, arrogant kid that needs the real dose of reality that life gives and I know that isn't going to happen until he's out on his own and reality kicks him square in the face.

Ummm, no, after that we all went in the big van and took him over there and then off to Petco to get some fish. We took dead fish back - they have a 90 day guarantee - with receipt - got new fish and also dropped off the girl that was staying there last night.

Anyway, weekend over. There was more but that was the drama stuff, always drama over there of some sort.

G'nite.

ben

Up to a town called Vivian today.
Got to the address to deliver and the guy tells me to follow him, we are taking the material to a jobsite.  Okay....
Paved road, another paved road and then a "primitive"paved road with no speed limits or signs of any kind.  Down that for 10 miles and then a turn into a very narrow road with tall pines down both sides.
Through a gate, up this road and it gets wider.  A few miles of this and the next thing I know? I am in trucking hell.

The old road ends the new road starts and whoever built the thing, obviously did not intend tractor trailer rigs to be driving down it as I am just barely making the turns without hitting trees but definitely taking out brush. It gets worse and worse and worse until finally we get to this sharp turn.  They had cleared out an area to be able to swing wide. Well I didn't swing wide enough - I didn't want to drive the truck over all those bushes and junk and ended up with the trailer sliding up against a pine tree, which is where I stopped, backed up and this man comes running up.

Swing it wider!  Yeah right dude.  I'll guide you!  Okay.  I do NOT like driving trucks through junk like that and I could only imagine what might await me down the road.  Was this going to get WORSE?  I swung as wide as I could without hitting trees and when I say that, I mean watching the truck mirror miss tree trunks by inches to make this turn and even then, the trailer wheels were probably an inch from that truck I had gotten stuck at the first time.

Half a mile down the road and that was that.  An abrupt turn into a very narrow portion with trees butting up directly against the roadway, NO way that truck was making that left hand turn.  Guy jumps out again. Can't make it? No!!!  I am not even going to try!  I can turn right and do pull-ups until the trailer is aligned with the road and back it down there, how far is it? Well it's not too terribly far....was the reply. In a pig's eye.  It took ten minutes worth of pull ups to get the truck positioned because there was not much room going right, either.  The road going backward?  Over a narrow bridge, and then the "road" twists and turns - around trees!  This guy is like well they are going to be bringing in 53 foot spans in here!

GOOD LUCK!!!  NO WAY is a 53 foot trailer going to make it in here, I BARELY made in a 48 footer!  Okay, it's possible.  You slide the trailer tandems forward giving you a sharper turning radius.  But then you have a wide swing in the back and probably be smacking the trailer up against trees anyway.  I just looked at the guy and said: MOST drivers will NOT want to drive their trucks in here!

What was at the end of this newly built road replete with new bridge? A house being built. And not just any house.  A 20,000 square foot house in the middle of the forest out in the middle of nowhere! I dunno who is building that house, ie: who is paying for it, but they are obviously loaded.  I don't care WHERE you built a 20,000 square foot house, it's going to cost you a fortune!  And then having to built a road AND a bridge to get to it!  Not to mention bringing in electricity and presumably a well for water.  It wouldn't surprise me if a heli-pad was built in there as well.  Someone that rich would have the wherewithal to also have a helicopter to fly them around wherever.

I can only guess why a person that rich would want to build a house that large in such isolation: A famous person perhaps?  Wanting a place of seclusion?  You definitely would NOT just happen on a place like that! Maybe a hunter.

That was my excitement - for the week probably.  I got back to the yard and saw the 10 wheeler sitting there with a jug of DEF (Diesel Exhaust Fluid) next to it. Why don't you just take the thing to the truckstop to fill it up?  Oh it ain't gettin' filled up, Ben. Huh?  We're draining the DEF out of the tank on the truck.  Well why would you want to do that?  No clue.  Ummm, cause' Terrance backed over the strapping machine and tore a hole in the DEF tank, that's why!

What?  This guy has sat there and talked trash about everyone else and just the other day saying how another driver was always tearing up things.  So Terrance comes up and starts talking about whatever and I'm like, you tell me about Eugene and how HE tears things up and now in just a weeks' time you tear down a chain link fence and now run over the machine AND tear out the DEF tank?  There's at least a thousand dollars worth of damage there just to that tank.  The banding machine around $300 and around a grand's worth of damage to the chain link fence.

I'm guessing that guy's days being employed there are numbered. Too much complaining, too much idle time, sits around on the forklift talking to whoever on the phone, complains about everyone else, takes to long to make deliveries and doesn't much care about anything including safety and how he secures his loads onto the trucks.

Well whatever.  It's my bedtime and I'm outta here!

ben

Pretty strange stuff.
Just got done meeting with m'lady's 19 year old daughter.
The daughter was over at her house babysitting one day last week and I showed up to take almost all of them to the pet store to get some more fish for their fish tank. Apparently she didn't know I was coming and came out of the house talking in loud tones and apparently asking me what was going on here? .....she was talking to me while staring at the ground which is why I say apparently ......... her tones were haughty with a tinge of arrogance so I did not reply to her, instead the kids all gave her a hard time because they had already told her I was coming.

Later on that evening I wrote her an FB message: What is the problem here? .....etc etc etc.  Just wanting to know why she takes such a stance with me.  I don't know her, she doesn't know me, we have hardly ever talked, she doesn't live at home, I have never said anything unkind to her, what's the deal? She wrote back that she didn't like the way I was talking to her and this and that and that the conversation was over.  I said fine and that was that.

I was not going to contact her again and I didn't. Instead, the next day she said she felt we should talk in person and that we should meet in person to discuss. ??? Okay, I'm game.  So met we did, not an hour ago at a Starbucks.

Chilling. Hurt, anger and possibly hate in there.  I just sat down at the table and said well I spoke my peace the other day.  She replied well why did yo want to meet? Umm, sorry, I didn't ask for this meeting, you did.  Well I don't understand why you want to be buddy buddy with me?  I don't accept this situation with mom, I just don';t accept it (referring to our relationship). I never said I want to be buddy buddy with you.  Every time you come over to her house you completely ignore me, treat me as if I don't exist.  I have no idea why.  What is the issue here?  Well I don't want to be buddy buddy with you, she replies again.  When have acted in such a manner?

She just couldn't say anything nice.  She is full of anger  She is bitter towards her parents. It is obvious that I represent something to her that is totally unwelcome.  That's fine, she doesn't have to accept me she doesn't even have to talk to me, I just wanted to know if I had done something to offend her, because, as I said to her, I have said hi to her every time she comes over there and she completely, totally ignores me.

She sat there at that table tearing apart a piece of paper, twirling up the pieces and dropping them on the table.  The only times she looked at me was to tell me she basically wants nothing to do with me.  That's fine, she could have told me that on that FB message instead of meeting in person to tell me off.  Though she said she didn't basically want anything to do with me, at the same time she wasn't getting up and leaving.  I talked a little more trying to ascertain as to whether there was anything else she wanted to talk about - I sensed there was but if so, she wasn't letting it out.  I continued to try to talk but she wasn't responding at all.  It was so uncomfortable.  I finally just said well, if there isn't anything else to discuss, I am going to leave.  She said fine and that was that.

As I said, the coldness in her eyes was chilling. Seriously. Oh well. I just could have done without that meeting in person. I had thought that if she wanted to meet, perhaps she wanted to have something good come out of this, otherwise, what is the point of meeting?  So yes, I was taken aback to find out she had nothing nice to say to me and further that she wants nothing to do with me. Do you meet to what amounts to a total stranger to have them tell you that?

Long day at work. I was very tired this morning, didn't sleep well last night and I paid for it.  After my only stop was done, I got back to the yard and was informed there was a run to Springhill. "It's not that much".  I'm looking at several tickets worth of product and thinking, this is a LOT of material, it's going to take a while to pull all of this.  It was freaking HOT out there today!  I mean, it was bad.  I spent the entire afternoon out in the heat pulling that order, it became obvious that driving 90 miles one way and getting back at any decent hour was not going to happen.

I'm totally exhausted.

G'nite.

ben

My son is almost done with his year stint at RevHi. He is coming back from the Philippines to Hawaii, then off to Cali and then back to Phoenix.  At that point, I have spoken with him about coming out here for a visit to which he heartily agreed.  I'm looking forward to seeing him, talking about our Lord with him, hearing about his adventures and his plans.  And just spending time with him before he moves on to whatever it is that the Lord has for him to do at this point.

As for me, seeking the Lord about what is going on over here is really top priority.  I have to know what I am doing here - as in, what is His plan for all of this?

Regardless, another work week has yet arrived and I am finding the work hours to be unacceptable.  Consuming 12 hours of every day from the time I leave until the time I get back this way and leaving much of nothing left over to do much of anything is not a life, it's just a rut/groove that you get into and easy to get sucked up into to the point that you find it hard to break your way out of it.

But, I intend on praying over all of this, not running out and trying to find another place of employment. If God wants me working somewhere else or doing something completely different in order to pay the bills and be able to bless others, then I place my hope and faith in Him to make that happen. Not that I don't have to do anything about it, but certainly I have to spend the time it takes to seek Him and hand this all over to Him, where it belongs.

Well, as usual for a workday morning, I am out of time.

G'day.

ben

My buddy Roger calls last night - late - and leaves a message.
No I didn't hear the phone cause' I shut the ringer off at night.
If there is an emergency, oh well, once I am awakened at night it's
very difficult to get back to sleep.
Anyway, he's showing up today, apparently.
He wants me to sponsor his wife in the Philippines to come
over and live here.  He can't do it because he's been living over there the
last decade and doesn't have w-2's to prove he can financially sustain
her being here.

It's just so tweaked.  They are letting illegals stay and not deporting them
yet they won't allow a lady to come in who has done ALL of the paperwork
required - which isn't a small amount mind you - and attempting to do it
the right way through the government.

I'm going to try to help him.  That's his wife, for crying out loud, not some
stranger he just met.  He moved back here with the intention of doing all
of that paperwork and then getting her here.  The only thing holding it up
now is the government's insistence that he have a sponsor.

Whatever.

Thursday. Just cruising along here.  Sort of getting used to the new job and
all the driving.  Not just driving there and back every day, which is enough
in itself, but also the amount of driving I am doing while on the job. Pretty
much all day long, racking up thousands of miles per week now.  Just totally
different type of situation going on here even though it's the same company
selling the same product.  Heck, at 5:00pm yesterday afternoon, a contractor
called needing someone to bring out materials for a waterline break.  Someone
else volunteered to do it thankfully. Yes I could use the extra OT, but I need
a life somewhere along the way here as well!

No time for more.

G'day.

ben

I am completely pissed off right now.  But it's a personal matter so I won't go into it on this particular journal, do that on the other one.

Write in this one to try to get my mind off of a very negative situation.  These drives to work every day - it's well over a 100 miles round trip - are eating me up in fuel expenses.  I am seriously considering getting a motorcycle.  I know, they are dangerous, you can get killed on them, etc etc etc.

When I used to ride street bikes, yes, I got into accidents.  3 of them.  One of them the driver did intentionally - for what reason I have never been able to figure out.  I was riding at 2 am and there wasn't another car on the road, this car comes up behind me, passes and then cuts directly in front of me and then slams on their brakes.  I had to lay the bike down to keep from hitting this car.  Long story not worth going into right now. 2 other accidents, neither my fault.  The last one a pickup pulled right out in front of me and I slammed into the side of the truck.

That's been 30 plus years ago.  I've ridden dirt bikes since then, but not street bikes.  Still.  The idea of getting double and a half or more fuel mileage is a very tempting thing.

But I am not sold on the place I am working at.  The hours are too long and I have no time for much of anything after the day is over.  I'm slowly getting used to the hours, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  It eats up anything for having personal time to do whatever with my life.  Earning a living is a good thing, having to spend your entire life to do it is NOT.  I have weekends off at least but still.

Screw this.  I am too pissed right now to do much of anything.

Gotta cool off.

The weekend is over, it's 15 minutes til' my bedtime.
Today was a wash.  Good morning, pretty intense afternoon.
Good this morning because everyone went to church, we worshiped the Lord and then after church?
Josiah offered to buy dinner at a sit-down restaurant for everyone. That's a pretty steep bill to pay for
9 people, even if most of them are kids.

The problem.  Josiah took off in the pickup at dad's house with his girlfriend yesterday, immediately
after he had called mom and told her he was going to the store, to which mom replied fine, but she
absolutely is not going with you.  M'lady has no control over him at dad's house, but she does have control over use of the pickup since....it's her pickup.

The information came that he had taken her with him to the store.  Further that he basically told everyone there "screw them, I don't care what they say, you are coming with me!" in reference to his GF going with him and basically telling m'lady and I to go blow.  There is even more, but not going to go into details.

Well, m'lady had already made her decision about what he was going to do about this and we're sitting in the church parking lot discussing whether we should take up his offer to go out to eat?  I mean, you are about to tell him something he is definitely going to blow up about?  But in the end, we ended up going to a Mexican food restaurant, a thing I have been missing since I came out here, not that many around and the few I have been to have been pretty nasty.  We all had a great time.  It just kinda made me a bit apprehensive and a little sad that I knew what was coming to both of them in not too much more time, but enjoy the moments you get when you get them.

And so it was.  We got home with the both of them, she called them outside and I called the rest inside. They got in the back of the pickup truck and sat there.  I checked a few times, the last time I looked they were both crying.  The worst was yet to come when she told them that she was taking her home and they would have to tell her parents what happened. Then the girl started choking and sobbing.

They left and were gone a long time. I watched a movie with the kids - Happy Gilmore - absolutely hilarious movie with Adam Sandler, we sat there and laughed and laughed.  I watch that movie once in a while and just laugh every time I see it.  The Bob Barker fight I find especially hilarious, lol.  I had a 9 year old girl snuggled up to me on one side and a 13 year old boy on the other.

I have unintentionally stolen the hearts of the two little girls from their father.  He doesn't touch them, he doesn't tell them how special and beautiful they are, he doesn't give them kisses and he shoes them away from him.  They come give me big hugs all the time. The 9 year old sat right next to me, grabbed me hand and held it for a long time while watching that movie.  I really feel bad for all of those kids with a dad that simply will not show them love in any way, shape or form.  When they go to his house for over-nighters, they are sat down in front of a TV and watch movies the entire time.

The 13 year old hates going over there.  He is very active and sitting around for countless hours is not his forte.  He can watch a movie or show, but to sit there doing that all day and night long? Absolutely not.  Anyway, when they did finally return - m'lady and Josiah, Josiah came in and asked me if I would go work out with him. Yes, of course I will.  Mom was especially giving on that one, yes, go work out with him and maybe try to get him to cool down and sort through his emotions.

So we did.  Gone for about 2 hours.  Just heard him out and tried not to be too preachy. He was demanding to know who ratted him out - I simply refused to tell him. I told him flatly that I would never tell him and that he had committed his acts in front of all of the rest of his siblings so what did he expect?  But we had a good workout none-the-less, spent some good time with him trying to just get him to cool his heels a little.  I am no longer the decision maker so I am reverting back to the role I had with him before: a mentor and someone who will listen.

But it quickly went to hell when we got back and she had written out in black magic marker a message to him which she held up in front of everyone - it was written in huge letters.  It basically said on August 3rd he can see his girl starting at 2 pm, providing he works both this week and next and providing his attitude doesn't get crappy.  Josiah blew up.  He got his shoes on and took off.  No-one tried to stop him, no point in it.  Let him run and blow off steam.

After that, talked with m'lady for a long time alone.  :Had to air all of this out and she wanted to know what happened when we got to the gym.  Just basically letting him vent and hearing him out.  I don't have to agree with a person's views to hear them out and have a heart.

It's never ending over there, especially on weekends.  Anyway, I got the pellet rifle out for the 13 year old who was begging to shoot it.  He follows me around everywhere.  I'm serious.  When I am talking with m'lady I have to tell him to please go do something else, we want to have a private conversation.  I don't care what I am doing or where I am at on the property or in the house - he is there. I brought that up to m'lady today, that boy has become very attached to me.  Yes, she replied, he has never had any kind of male role model figure in his life.  I know and I don't mind filling the position, but he is very attached.  He sees his dad frequently enough and yet it is like his dad doesn't exist.  He hates going over there.

Well back to talking to m'lady again and doing laundry - having an entourage following me in there as well and in saying that I don't mean that I am some fantastic, special superhero, just they have a dad that won't get involved in their lives.  The sun going down, Josiah hadn't returned.

I texted him.  Well dude are you coming back or what's going on? I'm lost!  I'm in woods and I can't find a road anywhere!  Ummm, okay.......how far away are you from us?  Can I shoot off a few rounds and get you a directional back here?  Or hit the arrow on your phone map, it will show you where you're at and what's around you!  Finally I get a text back: I am on such and such road.  Okay, do you want me to come get you?  If you want to.....  Well, I feel for the kid. He might have brought all of this onto himself but he was a couple of miles away and had run out of water and the sun was going down. Not like there are street lights out in the country....

Got him back home then we started cleaning.  The 13 year old started getting an attitude. No idea.  He usually just does whatever he's told, he may not like it but getting this bad was unusual.  Okay, it was not unusual a while back but his tude' improved greatly - I don't want to pat myself on the back but I know I have had a large part to do with that - so just sat there and watched it for a while before finally asked him to get rid of the tude' and just get this done.  Wasn't like he was the only one doing anything.  I ended up back in the laundry room - which is the size of most people's master bedrooms, lol, and then the truth came out.

He was upset that I was leaving.  I mean, how do you handle hearing that? I know he has become attached to me but not to that degree.  Well, I replied, well I'm sorry. I have to get up early in the morning for work.  I don't want to leave but life has it's way of interfering with things.  But it's so boring around here when you aren't here! He's just pouring it on and I'm just like....wow, okay.   On hearing m'lady's talking about it earlier, I asked him if he would like to go out sometime and do something together? Well, yeah!

I just let it go at that, until he asked. Well what are we going to do?  What do you want to do?  I dunno.  Let's go see a movie then?!

I didn't want to leave him all down in the dumps and being unhappy about everything, so at least that brought him back up a little.

That's been my day and then some.  I can't write everything out, it would take up ten times this amount of writing I did here and that's already a lot!

.......and work in the morning. Mondays lately have been really s*****.  I would like this one to not be quite so bad, or not bad at all!  Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssssseeeeee pray for me about that! Thank you!

Nite.

ben

The money is gone,the countdown begins.
Tired of working, having an income and - being broke.
Isn't really always like this, I spent a lot of money over the last
10 months in flying out here, meeting her and then moving out here.
Plus I have another living expense: paying for this little abode I am
living in right now.

Which is why I had them rent out my extra bedroom that used to
be Caleb's room, to pay for this place.

Regardless, it's Friday and final work day of the week.  I am
very happy about that.  I have no plans for tonight besides going
over to her house and doing much of nothing.  I am worn out.
It rained all day yesterday and my feet were wet to top that and
I hate having wet feet/socks/soggy shoes.

Oh, the countdown is having had paid off 401k loan and a 30 day
waiting period before you can take out another one.

Well, off to the races!

G'day.

ben

I don't really much care for working out at gyms, as the amount of egos running around those places is more than I am willing to have to deal with - but deal with it I am anyway. I gotta get myself back into shape and the only way I know how to do that is to start pumping weights, get muscle mass built back up and get to burning fat.  I admittedly have let myself go for months now and before I started working out the last time for a couple of years, so I have some making up to do.

I've also allowed myself to get back into some pretty bad eating habits, gonna have to revert back to salads and low fat this and that kind of thing.

Weekend coming up quick.  Kids gone Friday night and returning Saturday night.  Meaning Saturday work day trashed, at least as far as getting help from them is concerned and I have a list of things to get done.  Next Saturday the same situation.  So 2 in a row.  Can't do anything about it but it just puts off what has to be done even longer for the sake of - well I'll save that for my other journal.

Well it's Thursday.  Long days at work.  Relentless driving.  Just go go go type of scenario.  Even the manager was commenting on the miles yesterday and also several times before that.  I would be a  bit more motivated if they would bring my hourly wage back up even anything close to what it was before.  As it stands they are getting a bargain for what they pay versus the amount of work they are getting back.

That's it, all I have time for.

G'day.

ben

Well pretty much writing out the heart of matters on other journal, this one might get a little sketchy on details at this point.  Good luck finding that other journal! lol

Never-the-less, did start working out again, finally, this week at a local gym that costs all of $10.91 per month for unlimited use.  No, it's not a junky gym, either.  Nice equipment, clean, they don't allow people yelling and all that stupid stuff, so yeah.

Got into it with another employee at work today.  I'm tired of his BS. He has a BIGGGGG mouth.  He comes out and tells me off about how I should load the truck the way he wants it loaded. No, I flatly replied right to his face: The way you want to load it is ILLEGAL! Freaking pipe would be sticking off the sides of the truck by 8 inches anyway.  He started in on me and I gave it right back to him, I took his s*** for a while but no longer.  First off he has no clue what he is talking about and secondly/more importantly, he is an arrogant ****-****** and I have had enough of it.  I told him Federal rules prevent you from allowing loads to hang off the side of a truck that far.

"Well I don't give a f****** s*** about the Federal Government, this is Louisiana and we do it however the hell we like it here!", basically telling me I am going to do it his way to which I just ignored him. Loaded the pipe legally, informed an office worker as to why I was fuming and he didn't disagree with me and took on off out of there.  This guy also told me he wasn't going to get any new straps because "the concrete ruins them".  Well now, they aren't going to replace damaged straps because they get used and eventually have to be replaced? Bul*****.

Yes, the guy pissed me off, crossed the line and that's usually when I just stand up to people even if it's going to "hurt" me - ie: trouble at work, and let them know exactly  how I feel about them and their ridiculous and outrageous statements and ideas that are not any part of any reality.  It's the same everywhere you go - people that don't know about trucking and all of it's regulations don't care about whether a truck legally loaded or if the equipment is in proper working condition because they aren't the ones that are facing getting pulled over and having a State Trooper tell you off and then start writing out tickets!

I still cannot believe they were driving that semi around without any working brakes on that semi trailer!

Oh well, my time is up, off to work.  Woohoooo!

G'day.

ben

Attention turning to finances.
They suck right now.
Gag.
What to do to fix them.
I dunno.
Rented out the extra room at the house to pay for this place I am living at.
I had - actually - thought - about living in a tent for a while with everything I need including showers and toilet at the camp site.
But it would be oppressively hot right now in the summer trying to sleep unless I could rig up a window AC unit.
There was another place for rent before I came out here that was $125 per month cheaper.
Though I like this place now that I'm here, the owner is putting the entire property up for sale so it's basically only a matter of time before I have to get out of here and find somewhere new to live.

I am going to start looking for a much cheaper place to live while I have time to do it.  I mean, whenever this property is sold it still has to go through the process and that takes like a month or so.

I dunno.  Why does this have to be so difficult?

Oh well, time to be off to work.

G'day.

ben

Monday.
Beautiful day in the neighborhood.
Another grinding week of working at a place so far away it's costing me a small fortune in fuel.
Something needs to change.  Driving 50 miles each way to work isn't all that great.
I've slowed down to get better fuel mileage and though a little better, certainly nothing like
what I need it to come to.

Then I have the "Consumers" at my house. A couple that uses electricity like it's free and water as
well.  They were gone for almost 2 months and my electric bill went down by $100 per month.

Well whatever.  Just finances are so tight right now it's on the verge of "oppressive".  I'm even getting more
on my paychecks than I was before coming out here but the extra fuel costs consume that and then some.  Summers are always this way though when the electric use at the house goes way up to keep it cooled down.  I know Mark and Lynnette are diligent, though, about not letting anyone turn the temp in that house down to unreasonable levels on the central AC system.

I would like, actually, to be done with that house and get rid of it, but I wanted to wait a while to see if the market would come back up and it has to a great degree, but not yet enough to have the mortgage on that house paid off and not be left holding anything including serious sent on my credit report.  Well I take that back. Zillow has modified it's results and now it's showing at 186k!  Wow!  That's amazing.  It's come back up over 100 grand in value.  Even if Zillow is off by 5% of whatever, it's still come WAY back up.

Well, that's interesting. I owe around 157K on that property.  I dunno if it would sell for what I owe or not, though.  Some stuff would have to be replaced in that house to bring it's value back up, including a lot of carpet.  So I dunno.

Well, just musing. Not ready to sell yet I have to get caught up on mortgage and I think next month I will be able to do that and get my credit score going back up again.

Time to be off to work.

G'day.

ben

Another interesting day and a blow-up free weekend to boot. Well there were fires but nothing like what has been the last - however many - weekends in a row.

Church was great. Youth that had gone to a church camp were all called up by the pastor and they were asked to keep the fire going that they had received and pray for whosoever would.  But before that, the worship service and seeing Josiah holding his hands up to heaven and Jacob and mom praying with each other was pretty cool.

That was the entire service. Kids praying for adults, the pastor put it that way and that was the way it was.  I decided near the end of it, what the hey, I'll go up and get prayed for.  Intense, kid praying loves the Lord, I could tell that right off and he went on and on and on, lol. But it was cool excepting by the time we were done? Everyone else had left the altar - there were at least 50 people up there when I went up there - and we were the only ones left.  But I can deal with that.

After there, we were heading to GNC - she wanted to get some kind of supplements until she received a call. An older gentleman had planned with her to come and sell her some gold and silver, she apparently forgot.  So, we derailed and headed to a church parking lot some distance away, got that done and over with. Well, interjecting here that 2 older boys were making fun of the 13 year old's - private part.  I'll get back to that in a minute.  Off to Mickey D's for junk food cause' that's what they wanted - off the dollar menu yes  I insisted on that or nothing - back home.

Back to her place.  I'm sitting down to eat and she comes and tells me the 13 year old came up to her crying and saying something about me.  I went up to his room, doors locked, knocked, he wouldn't open.  She came up after I went back down, made him open the door - I didn't try I just knocked if he doesn't want ot talk he doesn't want to talk - she left and I went and talked with him a great length. He thought I was a part of that fun making which I definitely was not.  But I apologized anyway and had the older boys come up and apologize to him too.  Fortunately for him and I, when we went down stairs to eat, there was food left. His mood got considerably better.

Ate, then departed to the gym with Josiah to work out.  I got my $10.91 per month membership and yes, I am going to use it.  We worked out for an hour and a half and went back to the house to find everyone gone.  So, back out again to Sonic to get a drink and then off to the mall to meet up with m'lady and the rest of the clan.  Things went a little sour there, nothing worth going into and nothing with me, her and the kids.

If there was a "bad" part of today, it was the house and the kid's attitude towards it.  I asked them to start cleaning up stuff and there was a very slow response.  I continued to state that bedrooms need cleaned and their bathroom and the living room and kitchen at the very least. When I sat down at the Dish Network DVR and started unhooking it, that was when they got my attention.  Well, I'm taking this thing home with me.  You are going to ignore me and just sit around doing nothing, you can go without tv, thanks, have a nice evening.

It started slow but kicked into high gear and here we go.  I extended my departure time to let them get it done, because if it wasn't? Yup, I was taking that thing home with me and it would sit at my place, useless to them and me, until next weekend.  My point today?  I refused to just start cleaning up and doing it for or with them.  Yes I did some stuff because there is something in me that cannot stand that type of living, but I refrained for the most part and let them do all of it.

That's it. Weekend over.

G'nite.

ben

An act of heroism?  Ummm, hardly.  But this is what some people at work are saying now.  To me, a heroic act is one where you put your own life in danger or do something extra-human that defies science/logic/human ability to do so.  What I did yesterday was none of that.  The only part I didn't know was if there was going to be a fire.  Vehicle rolling around like that, who knows what will happen.  But there was no fire and all I did was open up the door to let them out, console the little girls until they were happy again and just make sure they were okay.

I didn't know what to say to that yesterday after I finally made it back to the yard.  Umm, well not really, just did what anyone else would (or should anyway) do in the same situation.  But, of course as I have lamented  on Facebook - the other drivers in the other vehicles did not bother to stop and help and will leave me scratching my head for some time to come.

The intensity of the day has finally worn off of me.  I think it was the added combination of watching that vehicle sliding all over the place and rolling plus the drivers not stopping plus approaching the vehicle and hearing people screaming and crying that got to me yesterday.

Whatever the case, it's the weekend.  They are 2 days long. They go by so fast it's like they don't exist.  I would like for once, to just sit home and do nothing at all.  Just sit here and watch movies or just lay around. But there is stuff to be done and I will work for at least 4 hours today if not longer, depending on motivation levels and determination to get whatever I start on - done.

So whatever.  Yup, just whatever. Strange times.

ben

Microphone entry.

You don't see things like what I just saw an hour ago every day so I thought I would put in an entry about it to just keep the thing clear in my mind.

I am on interstate 20 heading eastbound towards Monroe Louisiana. There is an SUV about 500 feet up ahead of me. What I saw the next was surreal, something that you just think you will see on videos on YouTube or something.

The vehicle suddenly swerved to the left, went over partially into the center divider which is a huge expanse of grass, and then headed directly towards the right/shoulder side of the Interstate, over-corrected steering, slid sideways off the steep embankment and then rolled twice, landing on it's roof.

It all happened so fast yet  it was like it was in slow-motion. As I slowed the truck mounted to stop and pull over on the side of the road, I noticed three or four other vehicles and I just passed right on by. They slow down and looked and kept right on going as if nothing happened. I just truly shocked me to see these people just take off like that.

Well, I got out of the truck and started running down the steep embankment to get to the vehicle which had landed on its roof of again some trees in the forest. As I was running up there and got close to the vehicle it suddenly hit me that there could be people dead, seriously injured, or who knows what inside of this thing. The sense of foreboding overcame me to the point of fear, but that didn't stop me from getting up to the vehicle to see what kind of carnage there might be inside of it and what I could do to help get them out of it.

Well it became quickly obvious that the doors were not going to work, at least the side doors were trashed. But then I heard some pounding on the rear door window which was so darkly tinted that I could not see inside of it. A woman's voice, screaming while banging on the window "open the door! Get us out of here!" That's the part that gets tears in my eyes, this happened an hour plus ago, I am still trying to process all of this.

Fortunately for all of us, the rear door was not badly damaged and opened right up from the outside latch. Then the sound of little girls voices screaming, there was a divider in the back I cannot see to the front of the vehicle. Perhaps it wasn't any divider, just something just hanging down I don't really remember to be honest.

Mom got out and then got all the three girls out afterwords. But then she went back inside the vehicle to grab shoes for the little girls who were barefooted. She handed me the youngest one to hold and comfort and I gave her a big hug and told all of three of them that that was going to be alright. One of the other girls that was sobbing and crying also wanted a big hug too so we had a little group hug going. 

It was at least 20 minutes before state police showed up to the scene. The driver who was following me from our company, he had a load of pipe on his truck for the same place as well, well I don't know about him. I mean he took his time coming down there after he finally got up to the accident scene. 

Anyway I just continued to console the little girls until they were happy and have big smiles on their faces again. Dad was called to come get them but he was an hour away. I stood there with them until police showed up and then long after that because the police wanted a statement from me of what happened. 

I chatted with the mom and we exchanged information and will become Facebook friends and she said IOU a big dinner at my restaurant. She manages a seafood restaurant in a town that is not too far away from where the accident happened, which was pretty much out in the middle of nowhere.

The thing about this accident is that SUV rolled into such a place that the only way way you could see it is if you happen to be looking at it when you're passing directly by it. 

 

I still stands shocked that all those people just passed by without even going over to make sure that the occupants of the vehicle were okay. How can you do that? How at the end of the day do you live with yourself knowing that there is the potential that those people could've been dead and dying or the vehicle Catches on fire and more hands were needed to get those people out, or who knows what?

Those particular thoughts will stick with me for a long long time. 

People will not understand why a man in cry about a situation where everyone walked away unscathed. It's one of those things where you would have to be there and experience the whole thing from beginning to end.

......And so it was, stepping on a scale yesterday with the weights you move back and forth to determine your weight, I was astounded to find out I am down below 200 pounds!  I didn't think I had lost any weight and hadn't even been trying.  I was at around 214 when I left Phoenix. Yesterday? 196!

18 pounds gone. I was wondering, when I received my new work pants, why they were so loose.  Just didn't think I had lost weight, thought maybe something with their sizes. Size 34 waist was starting to get a little tight back in Phoenix, but now?  Not at all.

I've been wanting to start working out again for a while now, just didn't want to spend the monthly money on a contract.  Until yesterday, when Josiah informed me there is a gym that charges $10.91 per month for unlimited use.  I'm thinking, what kind of place is it that charges that cheap? Old, junk equipment?  So I met up with him at that place after work and was quite surprised at what I saw in there.  New, state-of-the art equipment, no junk.

I know how gyms work.  They sell, sell, sell memberships. People buy them, commit to however long and have the money automatically taken out of their bank accounts.  People go for a week or two and then quit, but are stuck in a membership.  The only way a place that big with that kind of equipment could possibly survive is that they have thousands and thousands of memberships - but only a fraction of them show up.  Cause' honey, if they all showed up at once or even half or even a quarter of them?

Yeah.  So I signed up.  That kind of money out of my account will hardly be noticed at all.  That's a meal at Applebee's - without the drink.  Well that's not even a meal on some of their selections.

I have started to do some blogging on the other account.  It isn't Blogger, you won't find it unless I give the URL and it certainly isn't getting posted on here.  I've given it out to a couple of people, don't mind doing so with others : )

No time left for today, gotta get to work.  Driving to a town called Winnsboro today.  Other side of Louisiana.  A bunch of pipe and materials.

G'day.

ben

What to do.....
Haven't figured that one out yet.
Tuesday.
Mind flirting all over the place.
Too much going on all at once.

People have found this blog.
I know you're there, reading this.
I asked you not to, I don't read yours
for the simple point of being able to
freely express thoughts without
having to worry about my thoughts
possibly causing even more conflict.

Now I guess I have to switch to
one of my old blogs that hardly
anyone knows about for writing
out what's flying around inside my
head.

You do know that this really helps
me?  To sort things out and figure
out next steps and figure out what
I've done right and wrong and
try to change that which needs
changed, improve that which needs
improved and leave that which
doesn't need to be touched,
at least for the moment?

That's why I don't really tell
too many people about this place.
Like a deep, dark woods you are
walking through and all of a sudden
you walk out into a beautiful meadow
filled with flowers and grass and no-one
has ever been there, or if there has,
there are no signs of it.  You sit
in the middle of it and just take it all
in. The stillness of the moment and
connection with God.  Your mind starts
thinking things and you just go into a
trance.

I have actually stumbled upon such
meadows in the past, hence sort of
making a connection between the two.

G'day.

ben

Sitting at a jobsite somewhere down south....,,waiting. We aren't even a week into "his decision"

and already he is regretting it. Talked to him this morning via texting, he is on the verge of going back to what it was before: pure hell on earth. Pleading with me to talk to her to change this, but meeting a dead end road with me.

I can't help you, mom says you made your choice now you are going to have to live with it. Obviously, decisions not exactly going in his favor. He informed me he is likely going to blow up to which I could only answer: that will only make it that much worse for you.

But blow up he will if it continues to go against him, been down this road before, not exactly looking forward to it, though the blow ups will be directed towards her, not me ........which doesn't mean I won't be affected by it. It is hard to imagine why he ever thought this would get better going back to her. If history repeats itself, it definitely won't.

So this week he wanted to go over there today and Wednesday, she said one or the other but not both days which is why he's pissed.  She says he is obsessed with her, I actually agree with her on that one.  It's not healthy, either, it is consuming his life much like a drug or alcohol addiction: you have to have more and more of it and if anything stands in the way, look out!!

I had a long talk with him, he was eluding to switching back again, to which I stated: I am going to let this play itself out. If this turns into the same disaster it was before, and you two are going at it again, you especially grinding on her nonstop, I will simply suggest to both of you that it might be wise to give me the handles again cause' this ain't working out too well. Or, you can ask her yourself since you are the one that started this in the first place.  

    I suppose I could say that he is getting what he deserves, especially after the way he treated me when he decided to switch. But I forced myself to get beyond that, trying to simply keep God and Christ first in all this as much as possible.

So, stepping back and take a look at this realistically?  And asking myself the question where is this headed? Likely disaster. The biggest change that has occurred since I took this over is that boy has become extremely much more respectful towards his mother and his attitude has gotten much better even though he has relapses here and there.

If it does turn back into the hellish nightmare that it was before, it will not only greatly sadden me, but I will also feel like I've just wasted months and months and months of mental anguish and emotional output in attempting to get this particular problem turned around and headed into the right direction.

It is hard to fathom putting all that energy and thought plain out work into just one of these situations and then have it come crashing back into my face the same as it was before I started. 

Well.
Got up this morning, had my coffee and shower, got the kids up - they like coming over here for whatever reasons I don't know, I guess different scenery and something different to do and then headed over to her place and then we all loaded up into one of her vans and headed off to church.

At church, the worship service was intense - God's presence often times brings tears to my eyes.  I can't explain so I won't try, but definitely not in a bad way, experiencing His presence is better than anything this earth/world has to offer. But then I saw the communion plates come out with the blood and the flesh.  Okay, the grape juice and the bread, but it's symbolic of Christ's crucifixion and what it means to us.  That worried me.  I separated the boys between me, they go to regular church on Sunday, the younger ones are all in children's church.

I thought wow, this isn't good. Unforgiveness between these two and sitting here in church about to take Communion.  No. I can at least try right now.  So I did.  I spoke into both their ears - nothing long but to the point: forgiveness.  They both nodded yes and then I moved out of the way and one stepped to the other and they did their version of it and it was done.  That made me feel better.  I dunno if it was enough, but it will have to suffice for now, as the youth pastor called m'lady tonight and told her that a position became open for the church camp going on wherever this week and so Jacob can go (the 14 year old boy).  So tomorrow morning, he is being taken to the church and then off to summer camp and that gives a reprieve between these two boys to calm down, get it out of their minds and have some separation.

As it stands, Josiah was definitely coming over last night.  "I need to get out of here" and from previous "engagements" before I came out here, I knew that was the best thing to happen. Get them apart from each other and mom doesn't have to deal with a catastrophe.

Well whatever. I have to start on that master bedroom.  I know, marriage seems a long ways off, but maybe not. God can work things out in situations though I still need that reassurance that everything is headed in the right direction and that it is a permanent thing, not something that is in a part of a vicious cycle, like it is right now. We're in the "good" phase of the cycle, which so far has been followed by a completely disastrous part of the cycle which needle dives straight to the bottom on and the complete opposite side of it.  I have to hope and rely on my God.  That's what I have to say about it.

But let me just say here, this whole thing for me isn't just about one kid or two.  I have a 7, 9, 10 and 13 year old that also want a lot of attention beyond the other, older 2 boys.  The 13 year old, at least at the moment, follows me around like a puppy dog following a new master.  I love you Ben.  You are my best friend. Stuff like that.  I mean constantly. Uhh, yeah, it's good to be loved by whoever, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, not at all.  I've lived for 9 years without much love from anyone besides my parents.  I know, it will change.  It will change but with that particular boy, it's a good opportunity to build a relationship with him while the opportunity is there.  The teen cycle.  Goes through a lot of phases.  The 9 year old girl - who was standoffish at first and now?  Plops herself down on my lap and grabs my hand when going into stores and hugs me all the time. She is an absolutely beautiful little girl and I know in the future that is going to be a problem.  But maybe not, with the right input.  I'm not her daddy - but since daddy has abrogated his position in their lives to a great degree - I will take that position in her life if she wants it and I will deal with it accordingly.  Any boy wanting to date her is going to go through me first.  She is getting from me what her dad isn't giving her at all: attention and unconditional love.

The 7 year old?  No way. At first she frowned at me - every visit in fact.  Wanted nothing to do with me.  I'm serious. But I wasn't pushy or anything, just let it take it's own course.  I'm not her daddy, but - well you know if you've read this blog for any length of time about that -  girls need their dads.  If they don't get that attention from their dad, yes, another dude showing up and loving on mom and showing that love in front of all of them (which he didn't do) and kissing and hugging her and sitting next to her on the couch and holding hands? Yeah.  She is always smiling for me now, she is also a beautiful little girl who will undoubtedly also be a handful in her teen years.  But it's all good.

Oh, and for my friends that read here that also are friends on Facebook, my latest video on there shows a glimpse of the 14 year old.  He's the one shooting the spray.  I was going to do it - but I was afraid! LOL!  I know  what a wasp sting is like and it's not just one sting, at least my experience! OUCH and double OUCH!  No thanks.  He said no, I will do it! I will get stung but it's okay! NO, I said, just spray a short burst and get in the house!  I knocked out about 20 wasp/yellow jacket nests today and there are plenty more to go.  It's a strange experience to walk into a garage through the giant door and walking underneath several nests of yellow jackets.  Everyone ignoring them like they don't exist and the first time? I'm terrified.  I got to the point where I was not paying attention to them, but in my mind? KILL them, let them make there nests ANYWHERE else BUT the house!

Well here I am, pounding out another entry and yet too late to be doing so.  This lifestyle is something that I don't know I will ever get used to. My work schedule needs to change and it ain't going to happen where I'm at now.  It's 10 hour days and with the pay cut I took coming here, that's the only thing that's holding my financial world together right now.  Without the 2 hours overtime, every day, I'm screwed as far as my personal life goes and getting back at around 6 and then by 8 I'm ready to head back here to my little abode to sit down, relax and get my mind ready for sleep. 3 day weekends. Like the never existed, they disappear so fast.

Finally?  I've eaten my feelings, took the path of Christ as much as I could and Josiah and I are back on good terms.  Yes, as I predicted, he is already regretting his decision. Didn't take long.  I got him as much time with his girl as reasonably could be expected in such a situation.  He apparently didn't understand that, I guess. I dunno, but it is what it is. I just rather build a relationship with him and if that means not having decision making on his visits with that girl, then so beit, but I tried to do the best I could while trying to preserve the peace within the family.  Uhhhhh, yikes. I could say more but I hope it won't come to pass, cause' if it does, we are going to be back where this was months ago with him and that is not something I want to have to deal with. It was going up on the good side and he was really doing much better even though attitude recently showed up.  Attitude was much worse before.  I talked to him tonight texting after I left and after all was said and done, I just told him I wanted us to be cool with each other regardless of the situation that is going on.  He agreed and said same.

Well, time to get to bed.  Long day tomorrow, lots to do.  Driving the semi this week- with all new brakes and components and tires and straps and yeah, that makes me happy to drive it!  : )

G'nite.

ben

Is there any way to stop it?
I dunno.
A 14 going on 15 year old boy and a 16 year old boy, both of them have various stages of attitude going on at any given time, both of them have various forms of frustrations going on their lives that they are going to vent in some way or another, both of them landing some serious accusations against each other.

But last night? Pure, unpolluted and unbelievable anger and rage. I mean, if I hadn't literally jumped in the middle of it, there would have been a fist fight and with that kind of anger? I have no idea how it would have ended, not pretty that's for sure.  I can't be there all the time, I am 99% sure at some point this fight is going to take place and there is going to be bloodshed and there isn't much I can do about it.

I have an idea of sitting them down together, face to face, and having a meeting of the minds with them to have them air out their offenses with - me - sitting there playing defense/interference - to try and get them to keep calm and not start up again.  That is the only thing I can think of to at least try.  But I know if I even try something like that - there will be a problem in actually trying to get things to go the way I would like to steer them because she will undoubtedly start in and take over.  So it kind of defeats the purpose before it ever began.

I dunno, but this situation just cropped up this week as well, with one calling the other's girlfriend a f****** slut and all kinds of obscenities and garbage being hurled from one to the other and back again from the other to the one.  I had no fear last night getting in the middle of that, my fear is when either I or she is gone and hearing the aftermath of a fight that probably will end up with broken bones and God only knows what else.

Well, time to get ready for church.  And praying about this today and attempting to get a God-resolution for it.  One can wish and hope, anyway.

G'day.

ben