Attention turning to finances.
They suck right now.
Gag.
What to do to fix them.
I dunno.
Rented out the extra room at the house to pay for this place I am living at.
I had - actually - thought - about living in a tent for a while with everything I need including showers and toilet at the camp site.
But it would be oppressively hot right now in the summer trying to sleep unless I could rig up a window AC unit.
There was another place for rent before I came out here that was $125 per month cheaper.
Though I like this place now that I'm here, the owner is putting the entire property up for sale so it's basically only a matter of time before I have to get out of here and find somewhere new to live.

I am going to start looking for a much cheaper place to live while I have time to do it.  I mean, whenever this property is sold it still has to go through the process and that takes like a month or so.

I dunno.  Why does this have to be so difficult?

Oh well, time to be off to work.

G'day.

ben

Monday.
Beautiful day in the neighborhood.
Another grinding week of working at a place so far away it's costing me a small fortune in fuel.
Something needs to change.  Driving 50 miles each way to work isn't all that great.
I've slowed down to get better fuel mileage and though a little better, certainly nothing like
what I need it to come to.

Then I have the "Consumers" at my house. A couple that uses electricity like it's free and water as
well.  They were gone for almost 2 months and my electric bill went down by $100 per month.

Well whatever.  Just finances are so tight right now it's on the verge of "oppressive".  I'm even getting more
on my paychecks than I was before coming out here but the extra fuel costs consume that and then some.  Summers are always this way though when the electric use at the house goes way up to keep it cooled down.  I know Mark and Lynnette are diligent, though, about not letting anyone turn the temp in that house down to unreasonable levels on the central AC system.

I would like, actually, to be done with that house and get rid of it, but I wanted to wait a while to see if the market would come back up and it has to a great degree, but not yet enough to have the mortgage on that house paid off and not be left holding anything including serious sent on my credit report.  Well I take that back. Zillow has modified it's results and now it's showing at 186k!  Wow!  That's amazing.  It's come back up over 100 grand in value.  Even if Zillow is off by 5% of whatever, it's still come WAY back up.

Well, that's interesting. I owe around 157K on that property.  I dunno if it would sell for what I owe or not, though.  Some stuff would have to be replaced in that house to bring it's value back up, including a lot of carpet.  So I dunno.

Well, just musing. Not ready to sell yet I have to get caught up on mortgage and I think next month I will be able to do that and get my credit score going back up again.

Time to be off to work.

G'day.

ben

Another interesting day and a blow-up free weekend to boot. Well there were fires but nothing like what has been the last - however many - weekends in a row.

Church was great. Youth that had gone to a church camp were all called up by the pastor and they were asked to keep the fire going that they had received and pray for whosoever would.  But before that, the worship service and seeing Josiah holding his hands up to heaven and Jacob and mom praying with each other was pretty cool.

That was the entire service. Kids praying for adults, the pastor put it that way and that was the way it was.  I decided near the end of it, what the hey, I'll go up and get prayed for.  Intense, kid praying loves the Lord, I could tell that right off and he went on and on and on, lol. But it was cool excepting by the time we were done? Everyone else had left the altar - there were at least 50 people up there when I went up there - and we were the only ones left.  But I can deal with that.

After there, we were heading to GNC - she wanted to get some kind of supplements until she received a call. An older gentleman had planned with her to come and sell her some gold and silver, she apparently forgot.  So, we derailed and headed to a church parking lot some distance away, got that done and over with. Well, interjecting here that 2 older boys were making fun of the 13 year old's - private part.  I'll get back to that in a minute.  Off to Mickey D's for junk food cause' that's what they wanted - off the dollar menu yes  I insisted on that or nothing - back home.

Back to her place.  I'm sitting down to eat and she comes and tells me the 13 year old came up to her crying and saying something about me.  I went up to his room, doors locked, knocked, he wouldn't open.  She came up after I went back down, made him open the door - I didn't try I just knocked if he doesn't want ot talk he doesn't want to talk - she left and I went and talked with him a great length. He thought I was a part of that fun making which I definitely was not.  But I apologized anyway and had the older boys come up and apologize to him too.  Fortunately for him and I, when we went down stairs to eat, there was food left. His mood got considerably better.

Ate, then departed to the gym with Josiah to work out.  I got my $10.91 per month membership and yes, I am going to use it.  We worked out for an hour and a half and went back to the house to find everyone gone.  So, back out again to Sonic to get a drink and then off to the mall to meet up with m'lady and the rest of the clan.  Things went a little sour there, nothing worth going into and nothing with me, her and the kids.

If there was a "bad" part of today, it was the house and the kid's attitude towards it.  I asked them to start cleaning up stuff and there was a very slow response.  I continued to state that bedrooms need cleaned and their bathroom and the living room and kitchen at the very least. When I sat down at the Dish Network DVR and started unhooking it, that was when they got my attention.  Well, I'm taking this thing home with me.  You are going to ignore me and just sit around doing nothing, you can go without tv, thanks, have a nice evening.

It started slow but kicked into high gear and here we go.  I extended my departure time to let them get it done, because if it wasn't? Yup, I was taking that thing home with me and it would sit at my place, useless to them and me, until next weekend.  My point today?  I refused to just start cleaning up and doing it for or with them.  Yes I did some stuff because there is something in me that cannot stand that type of living, but I refrained for the most part and let them do all of it.

That's it. Weekend over.

G'nite.

ben

An act of heroism?  Ummm, hardly.  But this is what some people at work are saying now.  To me, a heroic act is one where you put your own life in danger or do something extra-human that defies science/logic/human ability to do so.  What I did yesterday was none of that.  The only part I didn't know was if there was going to be a fire.  Vehicle rolling around like that, who knows what will happen.  But there was no fire and all I did was open up the door to let them out, console the little girls until they were happy again and just make sure they were okay.

I didn't know what to say to that yesterday after I finally made it back to the yard.  Umm, well not really, just did what anyone else would (or should anyway) do in the same situation.  But, of course as I have lamented  on Facebook - the other drivers in the other vehicles did not bother to stop and help and will leave me scratching my head for some time to come.

The intensity of the day has finally worn off of me.  I think it was the added combination of watching that vehicle sliding all over the place and rolling plus the drivers not stopping plus approaching the vehicle and hearing people screaming and crying that got to me yesterday.

Whatever the case, it's the weekend.  They are 2 days long. They go by so fast it's like they don't exist.  I would like for once, to just sit home and do nothing at all.  Just sit here and watch movies or just lay around. But there is stuff to be done and I will work for at least 4 hours today if not longer, depending on motivation levels and determination to get whatever I start on - done.

So whatever.  Yup, just whatever. Strange times.

ben

Microphone entry.

You don't see things like what I just saw an hour ago every day so I thought I would put in an entry about it to just keep the thing clear in my mind.

I am on interstate 20 heading eastbound towards Monroe Louisiana. There is an SUV about 500 feet up ahead of me. What I saw the next was surreal, something that you just think you will see on videos on YouTube or something.

The vehicle suddenly swerved to the left, went over partially into the center divider which is a huge expanse of grass, and then headed directly towards the right/shoulder side of the Interstate, over-corrected steering, slid sideways off the steep embankment and then rolled twice, landing on it's roof.

It all happened so fast yet  it was like it was in slow-motion. As I slowed the truck mounted to stop and pull over on the side of the road, I noticed three or four other vehicles and I just passed right on by. They slow down and looked and kept right on going as if nothing happened. I just truly shocked me to see these people just take off like that.

Well, I got out of the truck and started running down the steep embankment to get to the vehicle which had landed on its roof of again some trees in the forest. As I was running up there and got close to the vehicle it suddenly hit me that there could be people dead, seriously injured, or who knows what inside of this thing. The sense of foreboding overcame me to the point of fear, but that didn't stop me from getting up to the vehicle to see what kind of carnage there might be inside of it and what I could do to help get them out of it.

Well it became quickly obvious that the doors were not going to work, at least the side doors were trashed. But then I heard some pounding on the rear door window which was so darkly tinted that I could not see inside of it. A woman's voice, screaming while banging on the window "open the door! Get us out of here!" That's the part that gets tears in my eyes, this happened an hour plus ago, I am still trying to process all of this.

Fortunately for all of us, the rear door was not badly damaged and opened right up from the outside latch. Then the sound of little girls voices screaming, there was a divider in the back I cannot see to the front of the vehicle. Perhaps it wasn't any divider, just something just hanging down I don't really remember to be honest.

Mom got out and then got all the three girls out afterwords. But then she went back inside the vehicle to grab shoes for the little girls who were barefooted. She handed me the youngest one to hold and comfort and I gave her a big hug and told all of three of them that that was going to be alright. One of the other girls that was sobbing and crying also wanted a big hug too so we had a little group hug going. 

It was at least 20 minutes before state police showed up to the scene. The driver who was following me from our company, he had a load of pipe on his truck for the same place as well, well I don't know about him. I mean he took his time coming down there after he finally got up to the accident scene. 

Anyway I just continued to console the little girls until they were happy and have big smiles on their faces again. Dad was called to come get them but he was an hour away. I stood there with them until police showed up and then long after that because the police wanted a statement from me of what happened. 

I chatted with the mom and we exchanged information and will become Facebook friends and she said IOU a big dinner at my restaurant. She manages a seafood restaurant in a town that is not too far away from where the accident happened, which was pretty much out in the middle of nowhere.

The thing about this accident is that SUV rolled into such a place that the only way way you could see it is if you happen to be looking at it when you're passing directly by it. 

 

I still stands shocked that all those people just passed by without even going over to make sure that the occupants of the vehicle were okay. How can you do that? How at the end of the day do you live with yourself knowing that there is the potential that those people could've been dead and dying or the vehicle Catches on fire and more hands were needed to get those people out, or who knows what?

Those particular thoughts will stick with me for a long long time. 

People will not understand why a man in cry about a situation where everyone walked away unscathed. It's one of those things where you would have to be there and experience the whole thing from beginning to end.

......And so it was, stepping on a scale yesterday with the weights you move back and forth to determine your weight, I was astounded to find out I am down below 200 pounds!  I didn't think I had lost any weight and hadn't even been trying.  I was at around 214 when I left Phoenix. Yesterday? 196!

18 pounds gone. I was wondering, when I received my new work pants, why they were so loose.  Just didn't think I had lost weight, thought maybe something with their sizes. Size 34 waist was starting to get a little tight back in Phoenix, but now?  Not at all.

I've been wanting to start working out again for a while now, just didn't want to spend the monthly money on a contract.  Until yesterday, when Josiah informed me there is a gym that charges $10.91 per month for unlimited use.  I'm thinking, what kind of place is it that charges that cheap? Old, junk equipment?  So I met up with him at that place after work and was quite surprised at what I saw in there.  New, state-of-the art equipment, no junk.

I know how gyms work.  They sell, sell, sell memberships. People buy them, commit to however long and have the money automatically taken out of their bank accounts.  People go for a week or two and then quit, but are stuck in a membership.  The only way a place that big with that kind of equipment could possibly survive is that they have thousands and thousands of memberships - but only a fraction of them show up.  Cause' honey, if they all showed up at once or even half or even a quarter of them?

Yeah.  So I signed up.  That kind of money out of my account will hardly be noticed at all.  That's a meal at Applebee's - without the drink.  Well that's not even a meal on some of their selections.

I have started to do some blogging on the other account.  It isn't Blogger, you won't find it unless I give the URL and it certainly isn't getting posted on here.  I've given it out to a couple of people, don't mind doing so with others : )

No time left for today, gotta get to work.  Driving to a town called Winnsboro today.  Other side of Louisiana.  A bunch of pipe and materials.

G'day.

ben

What to do.....
Haven't figured that one out yet.
Tuesday.
Mind flirting all over the place.
Too much going on all at once.

People have found this blog.
I know you're there, reading this.
I asked you not to, I don't read yours
for the simple point of being able to
freely express thoughts without
having to worry about my thoughts
possibly causing even more conflict.

Now I guess I have to switch to
one of my old blogs that hardly
anyone knows about for writing
out what's flying around inside my
head.

You do know that this really helps
me?  To sort things out and figure
out next steps and figure out what
I've done right and wrong and
try to change that which needs
changed, improve that which needs
improved and leave that which
doesn't need to be touched,
at least for the moment?

That's why I don't really tell
too many people about this place.
Like a deep, dark woods you are
walking through and all of a sudden
you walk out into a beautiful meadow
filled with flowers and grass and no-one
has ever been there, or if there has,
there are no signs of it.  You sit
in the middle of it and just take it all
in. The stillness of the moment and
connection with God.  Your mind starts
thinking things and you just go into a
trance.

I have actually stumbled upon such
meadows in the past, hence sort of
making a connection between the two.

G'day.

ben

Sitting at a jobsite somewhere down south....,,waiting. We aren't even a week into "his decision"

and already he is regretting it. Talked to him this morning via texting, he is on the verge of going back to what it was before: pure hell on earth. Pleading with me to talk to her to change this, but meeting a dead end road with me.

I can't help you, mom says you made your choice now you are going to have to live with it. Obviously, decisions not exactly going in his favor. He informed me he is likely going to blow up to which I could only answer: that will only make it that much worse for you.

But blow up he will if it continues to go against him, been down this road before, not exactly looking forward to it, though the blow ups will be directed towards her, not me ........which doesn't mean I won't be affected by it. It is hard to imagine why he ever thought this would get better going back to her. If history repeats itself, it definitely won't.

So this week he wanted to go over there today and Wednesday, she said one or the other but not both days which is why he's pissed.  She says he is obsessed with her, I actually agree with her on that one.  It's not healthy, either, it is consuming his life much like a drug or alcohol addiction: you have to have more and more of it and if anything stands in the way, look out!!

I had a long talk with him, he was eluding to switching back again, to which I stated: I am going to let this play itself out. If this turns into the same disaster it was before, and you two are going at it again, you especially grinding on her nonstop, I will simply suggest to both of you that it might be wise to give me the handles again cause' this ain't working out too well. Or, you can ask her yourself since you are the one that started this in the first place.  

    I suppose I could say that he is getting what he deserves, especially after the way he treated me when he decided to switch. But I forced myself to get beyond that, trying to simply keep God and Christ first in all this as much as possible.

So, stepping back and take a look at this realistically?  And asking myself the question where is this headed? Likely disaster. The biggest change that has occurred since I took this over is that boy has become extremely much more respectful towards his mother and his attitude has gotten much better even though he has relapses here and there.

If it does turn back into the hellish nightmare that it was before, it will not only greatly sadden me, but I will also feel like I've just wasted months and months and months of mental anguish and emotional output in attempting to get this particular problem turned around and headed into the right direction.

It is hard to fathom putting all that energy and thought plain out work into just one of these situations and then have it come crashing back into my face the same as it was before I started. 

Well.
Got up this morning, had my coffee and shower, got the kids up - they like coming over here for whatever reasons I don't know, I guess different scenery and something different to do and then headed over to her place and then we all loaded up into one of her vans and headed off to church.

At church, the worship service was intense - God's presence often times brings tears to my eyes.  I can't explain so I won't try, but definitely not in a bad way, experiencing His presence is better than anything this earth/world has to offer. But then I saw the communion plates come out with the blood and the flesh.  Okay, the grape juice and the bread, but it's symbolic of Christ's crucifixion and what it means to us.  That worried me.  I separated the boys between me, they go to regular church on Sunday, the younger ones are all in children's church.

I thought wow, this isn't good. Unforgiveness between these two and sitting here in church about to take Communion.  No. I can at least try right now.  So I did.  I spoke into both their ears - nothing long but to the point: forgiveness.  They both nodded yes and then I moved out of the way and one stepped to the other and they did their version of it and it was done.  That made me feel better.  I dunno if it was enough, but it will have to suffice for now, as the youth pastor called m'lady tonight and told her that a position became open for the church camp going on wherever this week and so Jacob can go (the 14 year old boy).  So tomorrow morning, he is being taken to the church and then off to summer camp and that gives a reprieve between these two boys to calm down, get it out of their minds and have some separation.

As it stands, Josiah was definitely coming over last night.  "I need to get out of here" and from previous "engagements" before I came out here, I knew that was the best thing to happen. Get them apart from each other and mom doesn't have to deal with a catastrophe.

Well whatever. I have to start on that master bedroom.  I know, marriage seems a long ways off, but maybe not. God can work things out in situations though I still need that reassurance that everything is headed in the right direction and that it is a permanent thing, not something that is in a part of a vicious cycle, like it is right now. We're in the "good" phase of the cycle, which so far has been followed by a completely disastrous part of the cycle which needle dives straight to the bottom on and the complete opposite side of it.  I have to hope and rely on my God.  That's what I have to say about it.

But let me just say here, this whole thing for me isn't just about one kid or two.  I have a 7, 9, 10 and 13 year old that also want a lot of attention beyond the other, older 2 boys.  The 13 year old, at least at the moment, follows me around like a puppy dog following a new master.  I love you Ben.  You are my best friend. Stuff like that.  I mean constantly. Uhh, yeah, it's good to be loved by whoever, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, not at all.  I've lived for 9 years without much love from anyone besides my parents.  I know, it will change.  It will change but with that particular boy, it's a good opportunity to build a relationship with him while the opportunity is there.  The teen cycle.  Goes through a lot of phases.  The 9 year old girl - who was standoffish at first and now?  Plops herself down on my lap and grabs my hand when going into stores and hugs me all the time. She is an absolutely beautiful little girl and I know in the future that is going to be a problem.  But maybe not, with the right input.  I'm not her daddy - but since daddy has abrogated his position in their lives to a great degree - I will take that position in her life if she wants it and I will deal with it accordingly.  Any boy wanting to date her is going to go through me first.  She is getting from me what her dad isn't giving her at all: attention and unconditional love.

The 7 year old?  No way. At first she frowned at me - every visit in fact.  Wanted nothing to do with me.  I'm serious. But I wasn't pushy or anything, just let it take it's own course.  I'm not her daddy, but - well you know if you've read this blog for any length of time about that -  girls need their dads.  If they don't get that attention from their dad, yes, another dude showing up and loving on mom and showing that love in front of all of them (which he didn't do) and kissing and hugging her and sitting next to her on the couch and holding hands? Yeah.  She is always smiling for me now, she is also a beautiful little girl who will undoubtedly also be a handful in her teen years.  But it's all good.

Oh, and for my friends that read here that also are friends on Facebook, my latest video on there shows a glimpse of the 14 year old.  He's the one shooting the spray.  I was going to do it - but I was afraid! LOL!  I know  what a wasp sting is like and it's not just one sting, at least my experience! OUCH and double OUCH!  No thanks.  He said no, I will do it! I will get stung but it's okay! NO, I said, just spray a short burst and get in the house!  I knocked out about 20 wasp/yellow jacket nests today and there are plenty more to go.  It's a strange experience to walk into a garage through the giant door and walking underneath several nests of yellow jackets.  Everyone ignoring them like they don't exist and the first time? I'm terrified.  I got to the point where I was not paying attention to them, but in my mind? KILL them, let them make there nests ANYWHERE else BUT the house!

Well here I am, pounding out another entry and yet too late to be doing so.  This lifestyle is something that I don't know I will ever get used to. My work schedule needs to change and it ain't going to happen where I'm at now.  It's 10 hour days and with the pay cut I took coming here, that's the only thing that's holding my financial world together right now.  Without the 2 hours overtime, every day, I'm screwed as far as my personal life goes and getting back at around 6 and then by 8 I'm ready to head back here to my little abode to sit down, relax and get my mind ready for sleep. 3 day weekends. Like the never existed, they disappear so fast.

Finally?  I've eaten my feelings, took the path of Christ as much as I could and Josiah and I are back on good terms.  Yes, as I predicted, he is already regretting his decision. Didn't take long.  I got him as much time with his girl as reasonably could be expected in such a situation.  He apparently didn't understand that, I guess. I dunno, but it is what it is. I just rather build a relationship with him and if that means not having decision making on his visits with that girl, then so beit, but I tried to do the best I could while trying to preserve the peace within the family.  Uhhhhh, yikes. I could say more but I hope it won't come to pass, cause' if it does, we are going to be back where this was months ago with him and that is not something I want to have to deal with. It was going up on the good side and he was really doing much better even though attitude recently showed up.  Attitude was much worse before.  I talked to him tonight texting after I left and after all was said and done, I just told him I wanted us to be cool with each other regardless of the situation that is going on.  He agreed and said same.

Well, time to get to bed.  Long day tomorrow, lots to do.  Driving the semi this week- with all new brakes and components and tires and straps and yeah, that makes me happy to drive it!  : )

G'nite.

ben

Is there any way to stop it?
I dunno.
A 14 going on 15 year old boy and a 16 year old boy, both of them have various stages of attitude going on at any given time, both of them have various forms of frustrations going on their lives that they are going to vent in some way or another, both of them landing some serious accusations against each other.

But last night? Pure, unpolluted and unbelievable anger and rage. I mean, if I hadn't literally jumped in the middle of it, there would have been a fist fight and with that kind of anger? I have no idea how it would have ended, not pretty that's for sure.  I can't be there all the time, I am 99% sure at some point this fight is going to take place and there is going to be bloodshed and there isn't much I can do about it.

I have an idea of sitting them down together, face to face, and having a meeting of the minds with them to have them air out their offenses with - me - sitting there playing defense/interference - to try and get them to keep calm and not start up again.  That is the only thing I can think of to at least try.  But I know if I even try something like that - there will be a problem in actually trying to get things to go the way I would like to steer them because she will undoubtedly start in and take over.  So it kind of defeats the purpose before it ever began.

I dunno, but this situation just cropped up this week as well, with one calling the other's girlfriend a f****** slut and all kinds of obscenities and garbage being hurled from one to the other and back again from the other to the one.  I had no fear last night getting in the middle of that, my fear is when either I or she is gone and hearing the aftermath of a fight that probably will end up with broken bones and God only knows what else.

Well, time to get ready for church.  And praying about this today and attempting to get a God-resolution for it.  One can wish and hope, anyway.

G'day.

ben

So work day Saturday.
I have so many mixed emotions and things running through my mind right now, it's hard to .... process.... all of this. The boy that hated me and expressed his disgust for me to everyone some time ago before I moved out here has had a total change of heart.  He follows me around and - is obviously looking for the kind of attention he doesn't get from a particular person in his life that should be giving it to him. If you want your kids to grow up to be healthy, normal, sane human beings, the male side of the equation better be able to say I love you, show you the love and live it on a daily basis.  If you have kids and you can't do that?  You aren't going to like the eventual outcome.  In fact, it will come back to haunt you.  I gave my son unlimited, unreserved and complete love when he was growing up. That's what I can say.  I love you son, give him hugs, talk with him, have good times.

I was working with him today.  Josiah was fixing a huge portion of fencing down at the bottom of the huge pasture.  Jacob was off with mom and 2 girls getting stuff.  Andrew was supposed to be working but was watching TV.  He's a good kid, really, but having access to TV now has him a bit distracted.  Nathan - his real name is Nathanael but I can't deal with 3 syllable names that I have to say frequently, well I dunno, I can deal with it I just call him Nathan.  No-one there has ever called him that so it took everyone a while to accept it. Except Nathan, lol.  I call him that and everyone still says Nathanael and no-one tries to correct me and I don't care what anyone wants to call him.

We went to cut down dead trees for firewood for the coming winter.  Yes it's a ways off but you want to get it done, because m'lady relies heavily on her fireplace to heat the bottom floor of the house.  Plus you cut down a tree and cut it into logs - you still have to split the wood.  That's one of Josiah's jobs.  Regardless we did three large Oak trees and then found nothing else worth cutting - though those trees and hauling them to the pile for splitting firewood took quite some time anyway.  We walked the entire property looking for anything but Pine trees to cut down.  There is some stuff down but it's rotten.  Too old.  It needs to be hauled to the burn pile.

Uhhh, like the rest of the family, he talks a lot.  Mom talks, they all talk. We sat down on an old log and I just heard him out.  Asked a lot of questions.  Got a lot of answers.  I can't get a full picture of this entire story without getting everyone's input.  I can't take one person out of all of this and say, okay, I have the whole picture. Children often see things in a way that adults cannot and sometimes very revealing.  So it was, it was a good conversation, was glad to have had it with him.  I've pretty much heard out everyone, but there is so much that isn't revealed.  I don't know about stuff, I can't ask questions about things I don't know about and children don't think like that.  If you ask them about something specific, then yes, you will get their version of an answer.

Well at the end of that conversation, funny how things work out in life - we were done and then I get a text. His 19 year old sister not living at the house wants to come take him to the mall.  Okay! Let's get with it.  That sister is very rude to me.  She despises me because I am there.  She hates that her dad and mom got divorced and so I am a disease that needs to be eradicated. She shows up, gets out of her car, completely ignores me and - yeah.  Well, Nathan had asked mom for 5 bucks and she didn't have any cash on her.  So I got distracted by something I don't remember what - if you want to find a universe of things to distract you, just go over there and get involved with all of that going on, your brain is going miles per minute trying to absorb it all, process it and come up with answers and solutions to petty/minor/serious/major things.  I didn't say anything to him because I didn't know if I had any cash on me, I had changed into jeans and my shorts had whatever in it.  You don't work out in the kind of brush that is out there where the trees are that we were cutting down - you just don't.

So I'm talking to Jacob - he has serious issues but anyway - they took off out of the house.  Dang, I said, I had  just  found the 5 I had in my pocket that I thought I had there in my pocket. Jacob goes running to the door: hey, Nathanael, Ben wants to give you some money!  Stopped him in his tracks cause' I wasn't far behind and the way these kids say things, lol.  Well he comes right back and so does the sister, with the .... look ..... on her face.  I'm telling you, someday I'm going to have words with her.  I don't really want to but she's pushing it.  ATTITUDE, serious.  She doesn't like what's going on, I'm sorry, don't take it out on me, m'lady is not going back to the man, I can tell you that.

Let's pass some time here, this is all today, btw.  This is a "typical" day.  It goes on and on and on.  It is never-ending.

It is late, there is much more, but I want to pound out the keys for this particular thing that happened tonight before I leave this entry. My emotions are all over the place.  I can't describe it.  Not been here.  Different land.

So, I'm talking to m'lady and a lot even to go into all of that, the 2 conversations with 2 teenagers with her and them, everything.  We got done with both of them - one at a time in the room one at a time - I'm talking to her and then I start to hear yelling.  Serious yelling coming from downstairs.  I mean, sounding like people about to hurt each other type of screaming yelling that you just don't hear every day.  I run downstairs.  It was - scary.  They were yelling at each other - Josiah and Jacob - and they were going to fight and it was a violent anger that was coming out.  I missed the part of Jacob taking a blind hit to Josiah and sending him to the floor, I jumped in the middle of the rest of it, this is not happening, not when I'm there.
But I wasn't yelling at either of them.  Reason,  They aren't going to throw blows with me int between them, that's guaranteed.  But I didn't come off like that, I just knew in my mind I am big enough to stop them both at  the same time if I have to.  Josiah had his fist and arm up, Jacob speaking foulness to him.  Jacob was not hearing anything, but I know Josiah. Yeah, he has attitude but there is a tender hear in there somewhere, I spoke to that heart in very soft tones and he backed off.

I can't finish this, I wish I could.  It's after midnight, the hours I have been keeping are unreal, for me anyway, not anything like before I moved out here and I need the Lord's strength to keep this up and see this through.

ben

Well it's been a while since I posted on here, I have either not had the time (mostly) or been just too tired (sometimes, I usually can find the energy to click out an entry regardless of how fatigued I am).

So much has happened. So much mental and emotional energy.

The biggest thing this week happened yesterday.  Josiah was talking with mom earlier this week - of what I had no clue and was kept in the dark.  I was informed that he wanted to have a talk with me in his mom's presence.  I asked a lot of questions and got the runaround.  Well what is the purpose of this conversation? What is going on here?

We had some pretty long texting sessions but I never got much of anything out of it. The day before this conversation on Wednesday, feeling uneasy about whatever it was he wanted to dump on me, it was obviously not going to be pleasant and I was wondering if I wanted to be subjected to a 16 year giving me grief.  I reluctantly agreed to it, but asked him to be nice, I have feelings and emotions too, I'm not a machine.  He said yeah, it's not that bad, I just need to get something off my chest.

Okay. So yesterday arrives.  I go over there after work, we have a bite to eat, m'lady, Josiah and I go up to Josiah's room, we sit on his couch and he lays down on his bed.  What came after that out of his mouth was painful, hurtful and some of derogatory, hateful and very much antagonistic in nature.  He said it in calm tones and he didn't blow up - mostly because I was seriously biting my lip.  I was shocked, literally, at the depth and tone of his complaints against me and further unbelieving that she knew much of what he was going to go into and hadn't warned me about it first.  Yes, I had asked early this week because that is when I found out and that is when it became obvious the two had been talking.

I'm not going to relive his words by writing them here, I just am not.  Very hurtful words.  I just had such a hard time with it because we had a pretty good relationship going - all up until that girl came into his life and then his attitude started going south and he is, at this point, obsessed with this girl.  Therein lies the problem. Nothing can get in the way of it.  Nothing. When something does, he has a cow, literally I mean it gets bad.  My words cannot describe the anger and even hateful speech that comes out of his mouth when anything - even a request to do something that will take all of 2 minutes to perform - is asked and she is there with him. He goes ballistic.  Or if he makes plans - without asking permission - and then expects that his plan is going to be honored regardless of what is going on or any life situations are brought forth.

Regardless, the end result is that he doesn't want me dealing with him and his girlfriend and the requests anymore.  That has been dumped back onto mom.  I mean, in one fell swoop this all happened and left me reeling. Not that he wanted to have his mom responsible for the decisions, but the way he went about trashing me and talking s*** and even to the point of attempting to inform me how to "love" his mother.  Consider the source, right?  Yes but I am a mere human being, people talking like that to me would normally illicit a reaction right back into their face - and oohhhhhh yes, I could have given it right back to him in a thousand different ways.  But I kept silent for the most part, mostly in awe (not in a good way) of how he was talking to me and also because she had not given me the information as soon as she had heard it so that I could have at least prepared my mind, heart and spirit for what was to come.

However. He will soon find out that in life, "be careful what you wish for".  It became apparent that he thinks she will give him much more leeway, but the exact opposite is definitely true.  In reality, I give him more than she ever wants to give him.  In fact, he will find out this week.  Well, in fact, he has already found out.

We went to the lake today. My idea earlier this week - though after last night I woke up this morning not even wanting to get out of bed, much less take a group of kids and m'lady to a lake and have "fun".  It will take days - at least - for me to get this out of my system the stuff he said to me last night and deal with it and move on.  We went - I was in a bad mood, quite honestly. Very bad mood.  Having fun at the bottom of any of my lists.  Stay home and try to work through this in my inner man, more like it.  Well we go pick up his girlfriend, she doesn't even acknowledge either of us as she gets into the rather enormous 15 passenger van.

Get to the lake and get going.  Get into the water - not too murky water and perfect temperature, I was amazed.  It didn't really change my mood but at least a temporary distraction.  Which lasted not very long as we basically had a terse conversation - lady and I - about Josiah and what happened last night.  I won't go into the details, it's kinda personal but we talked through it, out in the deep water hanging onto a floating pier that had been built for people to come and sit on or jump off of at their pleasure.  I just dumped it on her because - I was mad honestly - she hadn't told me anything and I felt like I had been ambushed - here he is, he's already got it in his mind that you are now over him, I want nothing to do with it. Make the decisions, deal with him yourself, he is two handfuls and I don't think you are really capable of it, since you handed him over to me to begin with.

But I got past that, it is really Josiah I have the issue with and he undoubtedly thinks what he says was perfectly fine. Laying things out straight, as he says it, with people is not always the best thing to do.  Regardless, Josiah did get to get dropped off at gf's home tonight but was informed that tomorrow? He will have to fix the pasture fence on the side where the houses have been built.  Saturday is one of his issues - he works 50 hours a week, why does he have to spend his "only" day off working?  Well, he has 2 days off but has this excuse that because he has to go to church for 2 hours on Sunday, it isn't a day off. Yes, this is the mentality I have been working with and FAR worse than that, in reality.

I heard the end of this conversation - he was pissed.  I said nothing.  After a - fun day - I forced myself into fun mode with the kids because they were having a blast and I didn't want to be the wet blanket to bring everyone down and eventually did start having some fun horse-playing and such - we drove back.  He popped up front and said to mom: I've made my decision.  I didn't hear the whole conversation that had pissed him off because I was busy outside of the van getting my feet cleaned so I could put my shoes on.  He wanted to go to the party tonight, work tomorrow and go to her house on Sunday. She said yes, he can go tonight, has to stay home tomorrow and work and Sunday she hadn't made up her mind.

Later on I asked her what her decision was going to be - curiosity since this weekend I had been the decision maker all the way up until yesterday, attempting to decide what to allow the boy to have and not to have.  But his attitude has totally sucked and I would have probably said no to Sunday - or cut it way short.  She said no, she "probably" won't let him go at all.

If she lets him to with her after all that has happened on Sunday, I am just simply going to tell her he is her son, make the decisions, please do not ask me for any further input, I can't keep doing this.  I have to preserve some dignity and his lack of respect and outrageous attitude? I am not going to continue to be subjected to.  He needs a major attitude adjustment.

This situation pretty much consumed the entire week.  I mean seriously. Today physically took it out me - in the water all day long.  This week has spiritually and emotionally drained me.  Their church does not cut it with me, either.  It has a nice pastor, he has some interesting messages, but it is nothing like the "meat of the Word" that I was getting at the church in Tempe.  It's a large church, nothing that particularly interests me, they have very few altar calls - to simply come up and get prayed for - that really doesn't set well with me and they don't really operate in the prophetic.  To each his own, a church that doesn't have all of that isn't really anything that does much for me.

I walked into the house today - to find a total disaster.  Kitchen, living room, bedrooms.  I pretty much went into despair after this ordeal with Josiah and saw the house again in that situation this morning and just threw up hands up. Said nothing to anyone about it.  Keep the house a total disaster.  Do whatever.  Understand that I am not even thinking about marriage and moving in there in a place that is turned into s*** that fast.  The reason I went into despair is because she listened to some dude giving a message about blended families and apparently thinks that she has to be the decision maker in all things concerning kids and that I guess I should just sit there and do - what - nothing?  Just live in filth and squalor, created by untrained kids who disrespect authority more often than not and don't care how they treat the living space they are given?  Just shut my mouth forever and live and deal with it?

NOT.  Look where the decision making has gotten that household so far.  My efforts would take a while to have effect, but I am confident with enough time and consistency, I could get them to come around.  Now? Oh well.  Whatever.  I'll get past this but if she wants to wear the pants in the family, that isn't going to work. Think I have said that on here before, but I will repeat it as frequently as my inner man brings it up to me.  I am not a passive man.  I do not sit around in a family having the other half telling me and everyone else what to do and when to do it.  I can go half way and meet in the middle to some extent, but sitting  around like a pantie-waste is a notion I have not even a remote idea of entertaining, especially for commitment as big as marriage and considering a lifetime of it. NOT.

Yes, I proposed marriage but yes, a marriage date at this point is indefinite.  No-one is going to pressure me into finishing this off until I am confident that this situation is reversing and coming around - in a serious, palpable and clearly defined manner. That something in my spirit clicks and says yes, now is the time to start talking about a date.

3 day weekend.  Today at the lake, totally exhausted.  Not sure about tomorrow.  I feel like I am wasting my time at this point in trying to fix up her house and get it presentable and a nice place to live.  Josiah's task tomorrow will take all day long.  I may go out there and help him. Yeah I know, sounds ridiculous.  I feel the need to at least try and work through this.  7 or 8 hours of working on a fence with him might prove fruitful.  Yep. That particular stretch of fencing - which is around 800 feet long - has been problematic with cows getting out and it needs a good fix and it's going to take an entire day to do it. 4 hands will get it done quicker.

Whatever the case, I refuse to sit in a house with garbage (literally household type garbage), clothing and whatever else laying around all over the place on the floors and everywhere else for that matter and just sit there and "take it". I will go outside and either sit out there or find something to do and when the subject finally comes up.  I am not going to clean up after kids.  They can clean up their own mess and if I no longer have any say in it, then she can tell them to do it, which obviously - she has not.

I am not trying to trash her, I love her and that's a fact.  To go into the events in her life that have led up to this would take a LOT of writing and is far too personal for me to write here.  It just wouldn't be right to do that, so I am not.

Well I am tired and finally at least getting something on here.

G'nite.

ben

Well computer crisis averted at least.
I got a wifi adapter for my desktop and it works swimmingly well.
20 bucks cheaper than buying a new laptop of which I can't afford right now anyway.
I much prefer this computer anyway and really slowed down the use of the laptop away from home
after getting an iPhone - which kinda takes the place of it since it's much smaller and just
much easier to deal with.

But at home? I want a regular computer with a large screen.  This screen is 21 inches, much easier
on the eyes and pics a lot easier to see in detail, among other things, such as the use of a keyboard
instead of a microphone to type in entries and do other things on the internet.

So that makes me much happier.

As for yesterday's situation, didn't do any major work at the house, just a lot of cleanup and dealing with a particular 16 year juvenile that had a major attitude going, even though mom allowed him to get an iPhone 5s and took him there to get it plus his GF was over and spent the entire day with her.

And there-in lies the problem. That girl comes over and he is all over her.  He cannot be told to do anything without it turning into a major issue.  3 times asked to clean up a mess outside one of the dogs made, 3 times cleaned up a little bit and then rushed back into the house, attitude all over his face and tones.

_____________________________

Uhhh, started this one a few days ago and haven't had time since.  I cannot possibly envision a lifetime of what is going on now.  There is way too much contention in that house and I can't stand it.  There are only two responses I want to give in such situations - either shut my mouth and let them go at it or get up and walk.  I have no desire to be involved in arguments that get to the point that my insides feel like they are being ripped out and I am not even a part of the argument.  There are other options, obviously, that I could do but it just feels like a sharp rake being dragged in my inner man when stuff like that is going on and I just want nothing to do with it.

Yesterday, I was involved with a conversation with Josiah.  I was attempting to lead up to attitude issues that occurred this weekend - of which there were plenty - and she comes out, gets up on the trailer we are sitting on and then takes over the conversation.  Literally.  Then the two started going at it with each other - his gf was wearing short shorts, I mean shorts that show @$$ type of shorts.  The stuff people are wearing today..... Regardless, when they started in and she took over? I just shut my mouth.  After at least 10 minutes of it, probably a lot more I wasn't keeping track and just sitting there listening to them going at it with each other, I was finally asked my opinion.

After all of that and them getting into it they want my  opinion.  Yeah, right.  I just said no, it's time for me to go home.  You want control, he's your son, you said you wanted help but you don't really want help.  She wants me to try and fix things after the damage is already done. A one step forward and two steps back type of situation.  I finally told her she took over the conversation. Oh, yes, she says, you were talking to him about his attitude.  No, I replied, I never even got to that point with it, I was leading up to it until you came and started in on him about his gf wearing short shorts, which had absolutely nothing to do with what I was attempting to talk to him about.  It was time for me to leave.  I get out of there too late and then get back to my place too late and then my schedule is thrown totally off, I was trying to leave a little earlier so I could come back and get some things done.

Anyway, when I left, both of them were sitting on that trailer, one of them looking down at the floor boards saying nothing and the other looking out into the horizon, also saying nothing and looking very dejected.  What was I supposed to do?  I told them both: this conversation was hijacked and now I don't have time to get it back to where I was leading it.  It will take at least another hour to start all of this all over again and lead up to where I am going with it.  I don't have the time for it now, we will have to continue it some other time.

That was the end of my weekend over there.  She continuously says she wants to work together with me with him, yet she makes all of these decisions when I am not there and says nothing about them and then I end up finding out about it from the boy, not her.  Just for one minor thing (not going into major stuff here), she took the guitar that I let him and his brother use away from them.  I brought that up to her.  You took away that guitar and said nothing about it to me.  You want me to confer with you about everything when it comes to them but you just make your decisions and do whatever you please without even bothering to tell me even after the fact.  I have to find out from them about things?!!

That was pretty much the jist of our conversation last night after I got home, which went on too late so I didn't get enough sleep last night, etc etc etc, ad nauseum.  I left it at: You want control of everything, you want to make the decisions, have at it!  I will have nothing to do with it and I will have to think about what is next for me.  I can't live like that and unless this situation starts to change - even remotely a little bit - marriage is way off in the future if ever, not anything that is going to happen anytime soon.

Well here it is time to leave for work, so off I go.

G'day.

ben

So here we go. My laptop died. I mean when I try to build it up it starts running for about five or six seconds and then shuts itself back off, drive down about 2030 times and decided Yep it's dad.

My only connection to the Internet at this point is my iPhone. My desktop computer isn't bad, but I have no way to hook it up to the Internet. We lady said last night I could hook it up through the iPhone with the power cord with USB on one end and the iPhone connector on the other didn't do it but I couldn't get it to recognize that it was a Internet connection.

I don't really want to spend the money on monthly Internet service is just another monthly commitment of money that I don't have a can't afford and don't want to pay anyway. Though being disconnected from the world like I feel I am right now I may end up changing that story. Though the iPhone is great, it has such a small screen I just prefer much preferred to use a computer with a big screen on it. I am using the microphone to make this entry and I am not going to proofread this entry, so if there are unintelligible sentences appointment on the microphone.

 It may very well be that on craigslist I could possibly find an old use laptop that will suffice for now so that I can at least get my entries on and get on Facebook and check out the things on the Internet then I like to check such as craigslist and such. But I no longer live in the Phoenix area and I have found that Craigslist down in these parts is pretty Spartan on much of anything. In other words, there isn't much posted there is some but not that much, I also try Shreaveport craigslist and then as some as well but put it altogether and it still isn't even a fraction of what I can find for Craigslist in Phoenix.

Another option I may very well try is to put a card in my desktop computer to access Wi-Fi off the iPhone and see if that will work. They don't have fries electronics in these parts and I apparently it's only mom-and-pop shops that you can get electronics parts that.    what that means is it's probably pretty expensive to find computer parts around here. Yes I could order one online but to get this done quickly I am going to have to try to find something answer to the situation soon.

So life goes on. It's Saturday morning getting close to 7 o'clock and I was informed yesterday that I have to come into work as well as everyone else to complete the biannual physical inventory counts. Dragging myself out of bed this morning was like dragging a dead body to the more I simply did not want to get out of bed. Two of the kids were over as well they wanted to come regardless of the fact that they would have to get up as early as I did to go home because they can't stay there alone they're not old enough for responsible enough to watch themselves. Allegedly it will only take 2 to 3 hours since this is now the second account. The first count you just do the inventory count everything, the second time to try to figure out what is wrong with counts better off according to the computer system.

A first for me since in the Phoenix area they do not allow drivers to do inventory and it's not something I wanted to do anyway because you got no overtime for it. Any overtime that you God you had to give up during the coming week and take a day or however many hours off to compensate for it. That isn't true here, whatever hours I get in today I will be keeping it's all overtime which is good because I'm driving clear the heck in there and back and that's a little bit of money) itself so that they had to at least pay for itself in fuel.

The point is however, I am feeling like doing absolutely nothing today. Meaning when I get off work there is a very good probability that this weekend? I'm not going to do anything but cleaning chores and those kids will be helping me right along with me. Or I suppose I could make the kids work since half of them haven't been there for the last two weekends and have done little of anything around the house. They will pay for that, especially when mom is trying to give them to do things and they are either refusing or just aren't doing it.

The only person that gets a pass is Josiah. He is working a job for the summer which is keeping him out 10 1112 hrs. a day, and the last two days he came home after doing all that amended brush hogging out in the pastures. The reason he was doing that is so that he could have his girlfriend over today and not have to work while she is there. Allegedly he did to entire pastors in the last two days which is no small amount of work I won't have to inspect it myself. Be put in the effort to get it done and so I'm going to let him have her over today, but, there is a catch.

Mom is not feeling well and was puking last night so I am not going to have her watching teenage boys and girls while she is sick. That means girlfriend cannot come over until I get there. I already informed him of this last night he was probably not too happy but oh well so sad too bad. She will be able to have plenty of time over there today regardless so I'm worrying about it. Not that I wouldn't worry about it anyway LOL.

I'm almost definitely decided not to work today at the house. I promised attending the 13-year-old that we would  go get some fish for their new little fish tank and I was not able to do that last weekend with them because they were at their dads house. I don't mind giving them their fish as I promised to do, but at the same time they are going to work today I do believe. I tinzaparin watch TV LOL, while they are working away.

Just don't know yet. I was also going to go looking at some fishing gear that is advertised online and I just don't want to leave the kids at home while mom is sick. I don't know if she will want to come with us or to stay home and rest. Hunting and fishing are on the brain, I may not know how to hunt that well and definitely would not know how to field dress a dead beer or hog, but I definitely know how to fish and how to clean a fish including hunting instead of cutting off Gilsan things and scaling them and cleaning out their guts and all that good stuff.

Something that they have out here that I never heard of before, i'm sure everyone else has, our deer lease is. Apparently you can pay a landowner however much money to have exclusive rights to hunt whatever dear may be on the property. That is something that I am very interested in, but I have no idea how much it cost. In the here and now I am going to get a fishing license and some fishing gear and go fishing with whichever boys or girls would like to go.

Speaking of money, there is too much to do here and too little money to get it done with. I am contemplating taking out a Nother 401(k) loan to be able to do some of the things that need to be done. I was also interested in buying a good used ATV to ride around on the property. It is unfortunate but true that she had text to post things that seem to be related to having fun. She has heard that ATV/4 wheelers are dangerous and therefore neither I nor the kids should have access to one.

Although technically that's quite true, so is everything else we do in life. The absence of the ability for those kids to do much of anything fun over there is half the problem. I remember growing up and my parents dictating that we could neither have guns for hunting nor motorcycles for having fun. I'm more than made up for that after leaving the house by having street bikes and riding dirt bikes and writing three wheelers quite frequently.

The idea that I should live my life in fear of what may happen is not something that set well with me. Though I guess she is not as opposed to having dirt bikes for the kids instead of ATVs so I might get the kids one of those. They are much cheaper anyway.

On a different note, I would also like to take the family to either hurricane Harbor or Six Flags this summer. I'm more into water parks and roller coasters anymore because roller coasters pretty much make me dizzy after a while, and I haven't been online in a couple of years. Six Flags over Dallas is about 150 miles away, there is a waterpark about 3040 miles from her house but the price is almost as much as hurricane Harbor and it has much less to offer. 

Well I am almost at work so going to end this post. Just random thoughts going through my mind this point. I have no idea how many mistakes the microphone may have made, but I do know that sometimes it makes for some extremely entertaining reading.

Good day.

Ben

So that's that.
Get that trailer fixed and that will be the worst of the problems done with in that yard.
I just don't understand why a new person has to come along and be the bad guy to point out all this junk?

I expect to have a conversation about this with the manager at some point very soon They want to know why people don't say anythin g about this stuff, I can pinpoint it pretty quick: fear.  Don't rock the boat. Don't make waves. Just do what you're told. You know it ain't right but you will be looked upon in a negative light for bring such things to management attention.

But the Department of Transportation takes precedence.  They give more reason to say something than not.  If you are caught out there driving a truck with inoperative brakes on a commercial vehicle, they can do all KINDS of things to you and put you in a world of hurt.  Not only that, but if you get fired or get trouble from mangement about saying such things, there are laws in place to deal with that as well.  Further, corporate frowns on having trucks in bad condition.

I expect that I will have to give some amount of attitude to get my point across, because they seemingly don't care.  That truck trailer still has bald tires even after pointing it out to mangement, ie: taking the store manager to the truck and showing him the tires in person and him seeing it for himself.  Now they are taking that truck in this morning to have it all repaired, but look what it took to getthis done.  It's total BS and I intend on addressing this culture of fear and getting it out in the open and having a candid discussion about it.  if I lose my job because of it, I can sue the company and they can pay me a tidyi sum plus get fined by the DOT.  That's the nuts and bolts of it.

As for the situation at the house and the lady, well, it's been pretty tense for the last couple of days.  She has alienated me from the kids excepting Josiah and the only reason that hasn't happened with him is he has a cell phone and texts me pretty frenquently.  Standoffish I guess is a good way to put it.  I didn't go over there yesterday and definitely not today, I can't go to church with them becauseit goes on too late.  Where is this going? I have no idea, yet.

What I do know is that I am almost at work and time to get offa here.

G'day.

ben

I didn't figure that the story was being told to management.  I had my doubts anyway and had to speak it for myself.  So sitting there speaking to the dude that said he had talked to management - well I wasn't convinced.  Just happened that the store manager walked up. "So, did you know that the brakes on that trailer are inoperative?"  Pretty blunt, yes and to the point. But I didn't just stop there, I told him the story of picking up the trailer down south and testing the brakes right off the bat. 

It's a task I do every day before going anywhere in any semi - test the trailer brakes. First time in my life, actually, that I got the truck rolling, shifted into neutral and pulled that handle that puts on the trailer brakes only - to have NOTHING happen. He looks at me funny after that and says, well, Eugene says the brakes work a little. They don't work great but they work. NO, I rebutted, they do NOT work!  The man I was talking with finally backed me up.  Nope,and started to tell a story of another driver that had the trailer in Baton Rouge that had trouble getting the thing to slow down on "Rainbow Bridge"  - apparently a very high and very steep bridge over the Mississippi River.  

Well, I'm thinking after he tells this story, how the h*** long has this thing been like this? I then went into how unsafe that truck is, how much trouble whoever is driving it could get into, on and on.  Please, let's take CARE of this situation.

After that?  All hell breaks loose. How's come no-one said anything about this?  Give me a break. I am the new comer and I have to do all of this?  Those other drivers what, living in fear? I don't care! I am risking my career to drive a thing in that condition!  I GET THE TICKET, IT GOES ON MY RECORD, I HAVE TO PAY THE FINE!  And whatever other things may happen, such as a very dark spot on my truck records that are on a nationwide data base for employers to see that I was caught driving a truck in bad condition and unsafe to motoring public? BS!

Floodgate was opened after management said no, that truck isn't going anywhere tomorrow but the shop! Well h***, that thing isn't even safe to drive to the shop! But I didn't say that, I'll take that over nothing at all.  

I know, I gotta big mouth sometimes, but almost always it's to help a cause', in this case: MY cause!

ben

I talk to her friend occasionally, we just talk about everything that is going on.  She told me last week that I am not cutting it for m'lady and that I either need to step it up or there may be the possibility of not having a "good marriage".  I've had ample time to think about those words and wondered what, exactly, m'lady has been telling her because in reality?  I have done nothing BUT give my time, mind and heart to her.

I suppose the thought has crossed my mind that a person that has as many issues as she does - rebellious kids, torn up house, menopause, financial issues, etc weighing on her and getting angry at kids and ex and all of that?  Probably would eventually find a reason to turn on me as well at some point. I have taken the brunt of a lot of emotional "stuff" from her in trying to help her walk through all of this but the problem here is that I am gettting nothing back to replenish it.  I am becoming spiritually and emotionally drained.  This cannot continue like this for my own well-being, which I find I MUST take into consideration.  I've been down the road of neglecting your own needs to help meet the needs of others, it is definitely not good for a person.

You eventually become burnt out to the point that you want nothing to do with whatever - or whoever - it is that got you to that point.  You withdraw and find yourself even going into depression.  You don't think clearly and the only thing that starts to emerge is self-preservation.  I find I must take the appropriate steps at this point to keep that from happening.

I identified last night another issue that is eating at me.  She wants me to conform and change to what she wants me to be, not allow me to be who I am.  I like my occasional ice-cold beers, I don't get drunk.  I never lost the taste for beer after I gave my life to the Lord and I struggled with that for a long time, but I finally came to the conclusion that a few beers isn't going to send me to hell.  I do allow a few cuss words to slip through my lips here and there. I like to watch movies, some of which she objects to.  I cannot give my every waking moment to her - of which I pretty much have for quite a long time now.  I must have some alone time, everyone needs that.  I don't ascribe tothe woman wearing the pants philosophy.  Lots of small things and a few bigger things that are all adding up.

I never went into this with her expecting that she was going to change into something that she isn't. SHE said she wanted to change and not at my urging, that has to come from within.  I expect the same freedom. If I want to change some things in my life, it should be because I have identified something that I want to eliminate from my life or otherwise see changed to something a little better, NOT because someone is attempting to force me to do it.

Am I talking to myself? Yeah, sort of.  I am writing out my feelings, helps me to assess where I am at and what I need to do next.  No clear path here, but I probably need a few days away from her. I don't know what she neds, I only know that I have given of myself to the point that I am at a breaking point and I can't let that happen.

Just seems like my feelings and needs aren't even considered here.  Just give, give, give.

Well whatever.  Almost at work.

ben

Well things went even further downhill yesterday.
First the fact that I was very tired - I didn't sleep well Sunday night and I paid for that yesterday. It was a busy day, non-stop. usually something I prefer but yesterday - was no fun.  After finally getting a 10 and a half hour work day done, I had to head over to her place to fix the brakes on the pickup that Josiah drives.  Ooops forgot about something that was said to me yesterday morning that really set me off.  To put it in "nice" terms, I am not a person who is agreeable with the lady side of the equation wearing the pants in the family.  If I don't even have at least equal decision making processes concerning whatever, well, that isn't going to work for me.

So anyway, 50 minute drive over there and had to deal with a creditor who said my payment was messed up. Then contacting Josiah - please have tools ready to go, I want to get this over with when I get there, not spend half an hour looking for tools that everyone just chucks wherever, whenever.  Arrive, yawning, wasted tired, pleeeease let's get this over with, I want to go home and collapse.

She comes out.  I am not going to go into personal details, but things went south quickly.  Josiah comes out - gung ho -wants to learn how to do brakes.  We get busy. Some of the most trashed brakes I have EVER seen and that is saying something considering the amount of brakes I have replaced on all kinds of vehicles.  The pistons were completely extended out of the calipers on both sides, but on one side, the damage was so extensive that the brake pad had actually dislodged from the caliper and had gotten lodged in a cover to keep debris from the road off of the rotors.

The caliper pistons themselves - different kind of setup, 2 pistons on each caliper instead of the one piston I am accustomed to seeing - were contacting the rotor to do the stopping. I have never seen that before.

Anyway, we had to replace parts and off to the store to get them.  Well, went inside to tell her that we were leaving and she - dressed me down in front of her kids.  I mean, seriously berated me and let me have it.  It was all I could do to contain myself and just turn and walk out of there.  I don't put up with that kind of s*** from anyone, much more a person I am engaged to.  There is a lot more but there are just things that need not go into here. I may on another blog I have that isn't read by anyone, but not here.

Soooo, anyway, got the parts, had Josiah do most of the work excepting getting the pistons back in.  The calipers probably should be replaced, but they are not leaking and they are functioning, trying to keep it a cheap fix until "more" money can be acquired at a future date.  Got everything back together, put tools away and Josiah was insisting I go on a test drive with him.  C'mon man, let's go!  Well why not.  Hey dude, wanna get something to eat?  Ummm, sure why not.  So, brakes working as good as they can - rotors not turned either but not so damaged that the brakes won't work - in reality the proper fix would have been to replace rotors and calipers - but, I have done these kinds of repairs before and though it isn't ideal, it works regardless.

So off to McDonakld's.  Not my first choice but it was his and since he was buying what the heck.  He has a job and works some pretty good hours and gets some okay paychecks.  We spent quite a bit of time talking about things. Regardless, got back, she's acting like nothing had happeneed. Sorry, I don't go for being treated like that and then somehow just forgetting it just happened. Didn't really leave in good terms and had quite a lengthy discussion on messaging after I finally got home at almost 9 pm and stayed up way too late talking about all of it so here we go again, facing another day at work on not enough sleep.

Whatever. My "free" time is up. Time to head off to work.

G'day.

ben

.............and then if the stuff going on at that house weren't enough, I have to go to a workplace that considers that bald tires, bad straps and non-functioning brakes ona tractor-trailer rig is somehow acceptable.  Or that they can just put it off for however long and deal with it on their own good time.

I'm the new guy there and I have to be the one that struggles with management toget this stuff fixed? Especially considering one other driver knows about this situation and has only spoken about it once and then nothing else?Huge company, deep pockets, allegedly safety is of utmost priority. And with my expereince with the company in Phoenix, it really is.

I spent some time contemplating that this weekend and remembered a long time ago when first starting out with the company that management was clueless about commercial vehicles and the rules and regulations that go on along with them, and they didn't care that much.  It took quite some time to get them dialed into the fact that this isn't a game, DOT definitely isn't playing games and with something as serious as the condition of that tariler at work? They could throw a driver into jail for that.

I just don't feel like fighting with people right now about things they should know about since it's their job tro know about such things.  If I go in there and tell them that I refuse to drive that truck in that condition - completely illegall and totally unsafe - then what?  But DOT puts the responsibility square on the back of the driver.  The company doesn't get the ticket or face jail, the driver does.  Yet the company is responsible for the maintenance and repairs of the vehicles, so if they don't want to do anything, then what? Find a new job?  I guess  I'll make huge waves before that happens though.

Meaning I will take this all the way up to corporate if I have to and if I find myself contemplating finding a new place to work because of this.  Actually, I could call DOT and tell them what's going on and yes, they can send someone over there to verify if the information is true.  Then the company comes under heightened scrutiny and in this day and age, they don't want that.  New rules and ergs put in place give the Feds teh power to completely shut down a trucking company or shut down a company's operations that has a fleet of trucks to deliver the products that they sell.

And they have done it, too.
\
I brought the tires up to the manager last week and he said he would get them replaced. The correct reply to tires that are bald is this truck is going to sit here until the tires are replaced and he is going to call a tire truck out to do that right now or asap.  This is what I'm up again.

All of this with the house and job is taking it's toll on me.  I can't keep this up forever, it's more than I can handle, too much "sensory input" and the mind and heart having to deal with too much all at once.  I gotta find a way to lighten this up.

Problems.
Issues.
Contention.
Yeah I knew what I was getting myself into, but I guess I didn't expect that it was going to be that way more often than not.
In fact, most of the time in one form or another.
Very little peace.
In fact, the peace I get is when I get back to my little abode.
And then sit here for a bit and start thinking about things.

But I don't get much time for that considering the schedule. Cept'ing on weekdays after work when I don't go over there.  I may not go today just because of this last weekend and I need to regroup.  Getting drained continuously without a fresh supply going  back in cannot be sustained.

I am not going to go into what, exactly, happened this weekend, just it was very unsettling and has me wondering about things.

If in the end I tried my best, gave it my all and continued in hope and attempting to work things out - and it doesn't work?  Then I will find that I will have to walk away from the situation and let it go.  Not my first choice or desire, but I've already been through hell in a marriage and I refuse to knowingly walk into another one.

So I guess that paints the picture well enough.  Well I ain't giving up.  yet.  Just feel like this is heading the wrong direction and I'm not sure what is going to turn that around.  To go into details would reveal too much personal information about the entire situation to the entire world - or at least the world that reads any of this - at least for now.

As for right now? Monday.  Must be about the business of getting to work and going through another day.

ben