Well now I'm on the cusp, sort of, of the next travel adventure.
Had to ask several people in various venues about "Summer Outdoorsy" or whatever that style of dress is.
I have decided on light colored,button down shirt and probably either khaki's or some sort of slacks, who konws, I'll figure it out once i get to the store. Though I can hardly afford this kind of expenditure right now, really have no choice.  I never really did buy any more formal style clothing after my house burned down years ago.  I mostly just bought work clothes and extremely casual stuff.  Excepting for a few pairs of church clothing.

Well, that is changing since I bought to more formal style button down shirts for the funeral (it was a two for one sale) and some dress slacks, but that isn't going to work at this wedding.  One thing at least, after I buy whatever I am getting I can wear it on any given day after that, it won't just sit in my closet.

I have to get that down before or on this coming weekend. After that I won't really have a lot of time for it.  I'm not good at buying clothes if you can't tell.  I just don't have the knack for matching stuff when it comes to formal wear.  I had to ask the lady at JC Penny's about whether she thought the stuff I bought would look good on me.  There were plenty of colors and variations of styles available.  Anyway, that one turned out well, I'm hoping for a second success and hopefully keep it lower on the price tag.  Guess I better see if there are any sales now that I think of it.

It's Wednesday morning.  I've been on a Bible reading marathon so I have been ignoring watching TV or seeing much of any news.  Not a bad thing, I"m finding out. Well I don't watch that much TV anyway, excepting the news.  I take in large doses of that on a daily basis.  Perhaps I really don't need to be doing that so much.  I've got til Sunday to try and finish the entire New Testament, an undertaking that I didn't realize would be so difficult.  Not that I don't like reading the Bible, but there is a lot of content and I find myself getting caught up in certain Scriptures instead of continuing to read through and get it done.  Perhaps I'll adjust the goal and make it two weeks so I can take in more content and reflect on it.

But, I have done Bible marathons in the past where, at least one time, I read the entire New Testament in 2 days.  It was quite the adventure for me and really eye opening some of the stuff that came at me.
So that's what I'm doing with my free time right now, that and putting out an application here, an application there.  Just got to keep plugging away at it until the right offer comes along.

The manager is down in Baton Rouge right now, tho.  I don't have any great hopes since I really have no reason to have such, but both he and the GM said they would look into getting me a better paycheck.  I don't have til' the 9th of never to deal with this.  They tend to take their sweet ole' time in making such decisions and then come back and tell you that they aren't going to give you any more money because it isn't a good move right now.  Whatever. Their pay certainly doesn't come down any when they determine that times are tough.  In fact, the only people's whose pay comes down in our company is the drivers and yard hands. everyone else's stays intact.  Of course the flip side of that is that if really hard times come, corporate starts giving management pink slips and saying adios to them.

Well whatever.  I am just going to keep plugging away at finding the job that suits me best.  I have had several offers yet again, but this is all crazy stuff. One of them is 120 hours per week!  Yes, the pay is 120k to 140k, but how do you work 120 hours per week?  That's like something for a 20 something, not a 50 something.  I'd take such a job for a year or so if I were young and had a bit more stamina than I have now, work it for a year and save up some serious money. I mean, with those kinds of hours, you'd have no for anything, really.  Your life on hold, lol.  I am guessing there is some serious turnover in a job like that.

I found another one that offers free hotel for every night you're out, but it's still out for 21 days. I just don't want to do that right now.  If my hand is forced, then yes, I'll go OTR or Regional and eat it.  I'm gertting close to that, yes, but not quite there yet. Lots of local companies still left to go to apply at.  At least there are some jobs available out there that are regional and get you home every weekend in a worse case scenario.  I'm not really looking to live in a truck, though. Just keep hoping that I find something local that pays decent.  So far that has been all night driving offers that I just can't do.  I get too sleepy after around 10:00 pm and I just don't think I could handle driving until 4 am every day.  I don't want to quit current job and "try it out" to find out.  I'd be stuck with it and I can't afford that kind of risk.

Well, time to be off to work.

As the days pass, I get broker and broker.
I have definitely not been in this position in a long, long time.
And it sucks, to be frank about it.
But, stuff like this motivates people.
Since the wedding is only a few weeks away, I have started the job search - this weekend actually.
Currently, I am mostly applying at tanker/hazmat positions, but there are other jobs out there that aren't hazmat that also pay quite well.  I'm applying at all of them. I just need a crack in the door to get into tanker, someone to give me a chance.

Though, I see tankers roller over at least once a week in the area I work in.  Just saw another one yesterday.  Dunno how the guy did it, but the entire truck was rolled off the side of the on ramp coming onto the Interstate, there was a large wrecker there trying to pull it up.

I wouldn't mind getting into heavy haul or even one of those giant wrecker trucks.  I have some experience at heavy haul, zero at wreckers.  Again, it's all about someone giving you a chance.

Since I am so broke, I have nothing else to do this weekend anyway.  Might as well spend it filling out applications. And these trucking applications are quite lengthy. It takes at least 30 minutes if not more (wasn't keeping track of time) to fill one of them out, they want so much information.

Definitely wouldn't have opted to go to California if it wasn't a life event.  My son getting married is definitely up there at the top.  But, I still have to pay to get to Dallas, pay to park the car 4 days there, pay to get from the airport to the hotel, pay to get from the hotel to the wedding location.  I've got at least $125 or more in those expenses plus I have to eat.  That's really hundreds of dollars that I don't have to spend.

If it weren't so far away, I would have driven there instead.  But at almost 1,700 miles, I don't think so. It would have saved me a lot of money though.  Now I'm hearing a rumor from my ex pastors that my son doesn't have a ride to California to his own wedding? Uhhh, okay.  Take a Greyhound.  That's my best advice.  Apparently his ride fell through.  He hasn't contacted me about that, but I'm in no position to help him anyway. I gave him the money I had saved up as a wedding gift when I was in Phoenix last month. It seems since then my financial status has deteriorate quickly, all due to these small paychecks I am getting due to the boss cutting hours.

However, I can sort of understand the plight. The store was only at 600k in sales as of yesterday, something I didn't know until I looked it up.  Still, the first people they take pay cuts out on are the drivers. No-one else gets a cut in hours resulting in cut in pay, it's always the drivers that get the shaft.  I'm pretty tired of it.  This has been going on in this company for years, but when I was in Phoenix, my hourly pay was much higher and was easier to ride out those storms.  Now, when hour cuts come, not even possible.  I forgot about the auto insurance pay that just went through.  And then I have the phone payment coming up....

However.  I did put extra money on the electric last month at the Phoenix house.  There should be enough on there now that I won't have to add but maybe a couple hundred dollars to keep that going through til September. Oh if it were the winter or even fall months right now, my expenses would be much cheaper.  that house goes down hundreds of dollars in electric use in the winter and the water bill goes way down as well.  That's a reprieve I could use right now.

The only thing I have to look forward to is my son getting cut off from my health insurance.  That should be around $300 per month in savings.  Hey, it's not my choice, once he gets married, that nixes him being on my company plan.  I let him know a couple months ago about that.  I wish him well, but I hope he doesn't go through hard financial times, but reality is about to hit him. He has never had to pay for a place to live and he's 24 years old.

Well enough about him, love the boy dearly but I am kinda focused on my situation.  It would be grand if I could get at least one call to go to the store this weekend to service a customer and get the extra $100. So far, nothing. Ready to go at a moment's notice though.  In fact, I wouldn't mind being on call ALL the time for that kind of payout. Even during the week at the middle of the night.  I'd do pretty much anything right now to make some extra cash excepting taking on a second job.  I'm not doing the work 2 jobs thing, I'll go find a better single job instead.  I mean seriously.  I would even have to consider taking a regional driving job the further in the hole I get.  At least get paid 60k per year and not have to worry about money - but - out on the road 5 days a week.  That kinda sucks. Not as bad as OTR, but still bad enough.

Okay, I guess I need to make up a resume.  So, spend an hour or more doing that. But I am applying at Haliburton and I want to give myself the best opportunity I can get to make a good first impression.  They are an excellent company to work for, excellent pay and benefits.  Would love to end my working career with them.  They have some job openings available, but like any other company in high demand, I will be competing with a lot of other drivers for one and same position.

Oh well.  I'll motivate myself to write up that resume, I got to that point and ended that one.  Most of these companies just make you fill out extensive applications instead of uploading resmes, but I've had a couple that want one, likely if you don't supply one, they will just delete your application.  First I need to find a format for one and then fill it out.

I guess that's all I'm going to do this weekend. All of this financial stuff is really draining.  It keeps me awake at night and I have little motivation to do anything else, such as finish the 4 wheeler and load it up, take it out for a spin somewhere.  It's freaking hot outside anyway, the humidity is killer.

______________________

Sunday early afternoon.  I felt impressed of the Holy Spirit that I need to read the New Testament in 7 days.  The Word is a treasure if you treat it as such, the gems that you get from it can be awe-inspiring.  At the point I am at in my life with my finances drained and the prospects looking bleaker and bleaker by the day, my only hope that I have ever truly have relied on is God, His Word, the Holy Spirit and my relationship with Jesus Christ.  Where I find the answers that I need in the word, if I take the time to seek it out.

I don't even know what I am supposed to be doing now in life.  If I am at an unseen crossroads, then I want direction from the Lord, not from this world.

In fact, after my dad's death and reflecting on his life and seeing all those people that were influenced by him, and reflecting on things I have done earlier in life for the Lord, I have come to the conclusion that I am basically wasting my life at this point, accomplishing no heavenly good or seeing souls won to Christ.  That...should be more of a concern to me than what I am to eat, what I am to wear, how I am to pay my bills.  Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven and all these things shall be added unto you, the Scripture says.  All these things being the daily things of life that you need.  Many, many more scriptures that relate to this as well, but the point is made.

So, I divided up the number of pages in the New Testament against the number of days and see that I have 130 pages to read per day.  I'm almost done with today's allotment, though during the week this will be much more demanding. Though, I don't watch that much TV anymore, I do spend time on FB admittedly.  But today, while getting absorbed in the Word, all of that just sort of floated away.

It helped that it is a nice day outside, actually.  I mean, it isn't 70 degrees but compared ot what we have had all this week, it was a cool day.  I much prefer reading outdoors than indoors is the point.

The art of quiet reflection, meditation and prayer are things I have kinda let slip out of my life. I am seeking a return to that  To not let the actions and words of other people bother me.  To not worry about finances.  Yes, take whatever action I can take, but worry about it? no.

So, that will be my main endeavor for the next 7 days, tho I am still going to put in applications.  I filled out a resume maker yesterday and then got sidetracked.  It's a minimal cost - $1.79 - to be able to copy and save it into a file, but unfortunately I turned m computer off and lost all of that, so will have to start over.  Oh well.

The days are short until Caleb's wedding.  It's the 30th today and I leave on the 10th. There are things I need to get done but waiting until some more money comes in before I do that.  Wedding attire should be relatively easy to find at the mall.  Paying in advance for parking at DFW and the shuttle to the hotel in LA.  I have a 2-1/2 hour stopover in San Francisco.  Wish it were longer, actually, I wouldn't mind taking a trip around that city for the fun of it.  But 2-1/2 hours isn't long enough to do that and always a hassle getting in an out of airports, so I'll pass.

Well, I think that's enough for one entry.

G'day.

Thirsty Thursday switched to - whatever Wednesday.
Dunno, haven't done it in a month, I don't have the funds to be going out and having beers, but today I went anyway.  Inside sales dude there with his girlfriend, no one else.

It's  a brewery, actually, with a beer bar.  The sell what they make.  It's a pretty cool venue.  Well, only one showed up with his girlfriend and he bought me a few beers which was nice and then went into this idea of how to make some extra money.

See, we get calls after hours.  Water lines break, they have to be fixed regardless of what time it is.  Our company gives whoever shows up a $100 spiff for coming to work to deal with it. Well, this portion of our company hasn't been doing that and therefore I have zero interest in driving all the way to work to help a customer when I know I am only going to get maybe an hour on the clock.  Just not worth it.

But, as happens. the manager changed that as of yesterday.  You see, some of the guys that are always called out started complaining about it.  Anyway, he was telling me that he is on call this weekend, but has no desire to do that when he's got his boys and his girlfriend over. Great, I said, I'll be on call all weekend long. Anything comes in, call me, I'll jump in my car and head over there.

That's a done deal. Whether anyone calls or not is not guaranteed, but right now? I need money.  He then went on about the other inside salesman who is actually looking for a second job.  Well, I replied, then he probably won't need to do that now. Nope, he said, he is too lazy. If he knows he can dump it off on someone else he will. I strongly suggest you tell him you will take his calls when he gets back from vacation, he'll be on call for the next 3 weeks.

I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but even a couple of these this weekend would help me out immensely.

Welp, it's Thursday morning and time to head out to work.

I decided to start my search for a new job now.
There is no point in waiting.  I can caveat that I am definitely going to my son's wedding if I actually found something that starts before then. It's not that far off now.
I found some great opportunities for local jobs that I am very much interested in.

There is a giant frac sand operation starting up soon enough in Shreveport, I know this because I have been hauling pipe out there.  I have found 2 companies that will be hauling out of that facility and have applied with them. I also found a very nice sounding fuel hauling operation located out of a town about 25 miles east of here. It's a night shift, yes, but it's not all driving. It's load the truck with fuel at a refinery, drive to fueling stations and fill up underground tanks. I could do this much easier than an all night driving job where you are just sitting in the truck, driving and - falling asleep.

That is the reason I have declined 2 jobs now, driving endlessly at night is simply not my forte.  The frac sand operation is undoubtedly a 24 hour operation as well. In fact, I may see if I can find the company and hiring for that plant.  Though I expect they are flooded with applications, it can't hurt to try.  Anyway, I am going to continue to look for jobs.

The argument for this is easy.  Even if my company decided that I am worth more pay, how much more are they going to give me?  It simply won't pan out.  I am literally down to 8 hours a day now. My next paycheck will be the lowest I have ever seen with this company. The manager could be giving us OT if he wanted to, as all the other stores in our region are doing so, but he doesn't want to per "company rules".  Well,  as other managers attest, those rules can be broken if you can come up with excuses to make it happen. He just doesn't want to do that.  All fine and dandy, I'm going to look for new employment.

So, that's that. Put in several applications and expect to put in more as I find jobs that are the kind of pay I am looking for with home every night qualification.

I have no expectations on a new job actually coming to me, until an offer is made, the pay and benefits are good and it suits me.

My plan for today accomplished.
Hook the trailer up to the Jeep for the first time, haul it over to the town where my stuff is in storage, empty it out, haul it back.
But, not without a stop at Sam's for 50 pounds of dog food and then a stop at the newly built Red Robin, of which before this one, there were no Red Robins around these parts.

Phoenix has plenty of them, but I don't remember the pricing of a hamburger being that high.  It was a delicious hamburger, it was quality beef, cooked to the way I like it, but $14? Endless fries.  Well of course, with that kind of price tag, that is a calculated "risk".

Won't be going back there anytime soon, but I will go back, just not a regular thing.  They could serve to add some kind of veggie to that meal for that kind of pricing.  Dunno how that place is going to stand in a town like that.  It's not a big town, it's not a small town, just somewhere in between.  Lots of oil wealth in the area I guess.  Cattle ranching as well.

I was just glad to get my boxes and get out of that monthly payment.  I don't really even remember what's in those boxes, though I do believe there are some letters from dad in there.  The hand written stuff from him I don't have much of.  The emails I have plenty of.  I'm really hoping one of his Christmas writings are in there.

No rush to go through all of that. Pull a box out, go through it,,save what's worth saving and trash anything I won't be using.  Most of what I want to keep is anything of sentimental value.  The rest of it I don't necessarily care about. Just couldn't justify continuing paying $48 per month for a unit that has stuff in it that I haven't even looked at in 3 years.  There wasn't even that much in there. 8 boxes. Stuff I shipped out when I moved out here and was informed that it's in the way, wasn't useful for anything and what was I going to do with it?  That coming from Valerie.

Speaking of her, I was in Sam's club over there today, a place we spent some time in.  Looked around, didn't really want to run into her or any of the clan.  Let it go, but, I still live in the area, I just don't get to that town much anymore.

Anyway, the Jeep ran fine, it pulled the trailer nicely, didn't overheat, didn't start choking on me.  Hot as hell though.  No working AC in it and not in the cards anytime soon.  I simply don't have any more money to spend on it or much of anything else.  We have been cut back to almost a strict 8 hours a day at work now.  Which they aren't doing at the other sister stores, it's just the manager's decision.  He blames the company, but he could get away with it if he really wanted to give us a good living wage.  He did promise to look into getting me more hourly wage, but I already had that discussion with the GM last week.  I won't be holding my breath and frankly, their idea of a raise likely wouldn't bring me anywhere close to the money I was making at 50 hours per week. I've all but lost 40 hours of OT per month, and that's a sting.

That was  motivation to get that storage unit emptied out today.  Start cutting back on whatever I can.
That Jeep is not fuel friendly.  The gas gauge went down a quarter tank in 60 miles of driving.  Gag.  I wasn't fixing it for a daily driver, though.  It was to be a recreation thing and use for house projects and such, not the drive back and forth to work.  But, I will be taking it and the trailer to work soon to get some pipe so I can finish drainage project, though really, when it pours here, it floods. I would have to do a lot more projects to deal with that.  No priority, at all, considering the financial status. Free pipe, yes, but there are fittings and grates you need to make it work.

_________________________

Sunday morning.
God to nail down what I'm going to wear to my son's wedding.  Supposedly it's "beach casual" meaning pretty informal dress.  Which is fine by me, I don't need to be spending a lot of money on dress clothes.  I did get some for dad's funeral, though.  Hmm, I take that back.  In going to their site on the Knot, it's "Summer Outdoorsy", whatever that means. Shorts and T shirts?  Lol, no clue. Doesn't sound formal, that's for sure.

Looking up some sites, Seersuckers? What on earth is that?  Casual dress slacks and a casual button down shirt sounds like what I'll do.  Time to look up some sales and see if anyone has some deals going, not interested in spending a fortune on this since I don't have to.  New shoes in order though, something I can use well beyond just a single use at a wedding. This may be difficult for me, I"m no fashion expert at all.  Not even remotely close.  Henley shirts and shorts are fine by me, lol, but all the opinions I read is that shorts are a big no-no at a wedding, even a "summer outdoorsy" affair. Though i suspect my son has different ideas about that, he always does lol.

Well I have almost 3 weeks to figure that out.  A trip to one of the larger towns and perhaps a mall, JC Penney's, mall type stores, we'll see.

That's really all I have going right now, since that's enough.  Meeting mother in CA, I'm coming a day ealrier than her.  We are, however, staying at the same hotel (different rooms of course).  She sounded like she really wanted to have someone helping her around, so I suppose I'll get some alone time with mom while there.  Would like to have some time on the beach, too, but that probably isn't possible.

Anyway, as for today? I may mow the front lawn and do some light cleaning, but mostly intend on relaxing. It's freaking hot outside and this week isn't going to be any better at work.  Really don't like summers out here, but I don't like them anywhere so grin and bear it.

Welp, my  hand is being forced.
I'm not going to take a 14 hour a day job, but I"m going to have to really start searching for a new job again.
My bank account is the lowest it has been in years.  Seriously, if I had an emergency right now, I would be hurting.  I don't have any options.
Work has all of us down to 8 hours a day, sometimes a few minutes more, but nothing like the 10 hours a day I was getting all the way up until the new manager took over.
I can't wait around forever while the GM decides or doesn't decide about a pay increase.

A couple more months of this and I will be completely broke, living paycheck to paycheck, having no kind of life sans going back and forth to work.

Whereas, I used to have thousands of dollars in the checking account and at least a grand in the savings account.
\
It is no help all these trips.

I wish my son would have picked somewhere else to have a wedding, California is just over price don everything.  A shuttle from the airport to the hotel - 16 miles - minimum $25 plus tip. Each way.

I am just so uncomfortable right now that I don't have the extra money I need to be able to do what I want in these situations.

Lord knows I have struggled with this for so long.  I guess I need to try and get this life insurance policy cashed out. It's a 5k policy my dad took out that he placed in my name when he dies.  I knew nothing about it until I went down there the first time a few weeks ago.  I'm not even sure the policy is worth the entire 5k, but at this point, much of anything would help.

It doesn't help that I have people that almost never leave the house here, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  That means the AC has to run all the time.  The homeowners have this on one of those deals where the amount is calculated by the year and divided by the month. That amount has gone up $30 per month since they moved in here.  The lady tenant tried to tell me it will go down. Oh? How will it go down?  It's not going down, it's going up.  Honestly, the advantages of having a full time cook are not outweighed by the homeowners/friends who are much more frugal and my expenses would be far less per month living here if they moved back.

My house in Phoenix?  I made sure the electricity has enough to be more than covered.  But Phoenix has experience and excessive heat wave even by Phoenix standards.

One thing I can do, this weekend if it isn't too late, is hook up that trailer to the Jeep, providing the setup will work, drive 2 towns over and get my stuff out of that storage unit, save myself the $48 per month and also start looking at other ways I can save money.

Of course with no AC, it will be a miserable trip but hey, take a jug of ice water.

I tried a consolidation loan a few weeks ago, take all debt and dump it on there, but, my credit still isn't good enough for that.  Next year some time I am guessing I will have much better credit.  The house insurance is outrageous since the company I was with dumped me because the agent quit and the bank put on it's own insurance, so I need to definitely pursue that.

Actually, I have pursued that.  I don't get agents not calling you back? Returning emails?  But this is what I have been running into when I put in a query for house insurance.  But, I haven't done a lot of it and I guess I need to get it in gear and get it done.  At least a $100 per month reduction in the mortgage if I can find what I was getting before this policy just evaporated into thin air.

My son will be going off of my insurance next month after he is married. That will drop my health insurance premium by $200 plus per month.

I'm just really not happy with my company right now and all this cutting back when they are making the same or more money per month and GP is high, yet they have cut us out a grand plus per month in wages?  lol.  Okay then.

Trucking is coming back, on top of that, at least according to a report I was reading yesterday.  I didn't know it had gone anywhere, but I don't do OTR driving so I wouldn't really have knowledge of that without researching it.

Well whatever.  I am thinking about applying at some of these local freight hauling companies. They pay very well, much more than what I am making now.

Weekend finally here.
Has been a very humid week.  The humidity is something I likely will never get used to.

Anyway, this place that wants to hire me called my work 2 days in a row, lol.
I find it amusing because of the reactions to it.
I don't want the job, just to make that clear here. It's 14 hour days and it's night driving, no thanks.
Yes, it's a LOT more money but I would have NO life, screw that.

Anyway, on Thursday, the manager came walking up, stopping me from leaving the yard, asking me about this company.  I made a valid excuse: I am in their system.  As you remember from last year, I was looking for a new job.  Turns out, ALL of these companies keep your name in their system indefinitely and will keep hounding you to work for them - indefinitely.   I did tell him that they had offered me a job but after listening to the hours, I decided against it.

I also told him that no offense to him, but the pay here isn't enough.  Without the OT, I can't afford to work at this place.  So, he said okay, but wasn't going to give that company the information they were seeking since I wasn't agreeable to it.

Next was yesterday.  The company called again, seeking information about my employment.  Specifically, driving record with the company, any failed drug tests, things like that.  I've never failed a drug test, that's cause' I don't do drugs lol.

I get back from a long run and handed a piece of paper. Call Brian. Ohhhh goody, I thought, I know what this is about.  I was a bit gleeful cause' look at the problems they have had hiring a new driver! hahahahahahahah Very funny.  They think they can just replace people at a whim, they have found out that that isn't even remotely close to the case.  They had 30 people apply for the position and all 30 of them failed some portion of the back ground check or failed the drug screening, lol.  Every time the manager thinks he finally got someone, bam, corporate says no thanks.

On top of that, most of these are OTR drivers that will have very little interest in the physical labor required of this job. So even when they do eventually find someone, that person is likely not going to want to do anything but sit behind a steering wheel if it's a former OTR driver.

Anyway, I call Brian back. He's the GM over our region covering Louisiana and a part of Mississippi - Gulfport to be precise.  Well, the manager there is gone and I got a call from the office asking what to do about this request from this company to release your information.  But what I really want to know, is, what are your intentions?  I told him the same story and added a few things.  I'm not really looking for a job right now, but honestly, I wouldn't turn one down if it was offered to me if it was for more pay, going a little into my current financial status.  I didn't complain about my pay, I just said this is my reality, I have to deal with it.

He informed me that pay raises were coming up.  Sure, I thought, 2% increase might as well be nothing. That's all they give, a 2% "cost of living" increase which certainly doesn't cover the increases in cost of living.  It's just a slap in the face as far as I'm concerned.  But, I said none of that to him, I've had the pay arguments with him in the past, this is just a waste of my time going back into that.  So, he then went into, well, I'll see what I can do.  I told him I'd love to retire from here which is what got him saying that. Really? That's all I had to say to get him to at least think about it?  lol

In reality, I would love to retire from there. Coming up on 12 years, which will increase my paid leave hours to 200 per year.  But, this company isn't known for great pay. I just talked my way into it in Phoenix, along with a GM who believes in paying their talent well. It took 6 months of meetings with him to get that though.  Basically, the situation with GM's in this company is they're given X amount of dollars per month for pay. Out of that pool comes the pay for everyone.  So, it's a matter of how much he likes or dislikes you, or whatever mood he is in, or however he goes about thinking about how much a person gets paid.  Yes, they could replace me.  But who would they get? Now they are finally thinking in this realm with all the problems they've had hiring someone. You see, they aren't even being that picky right now since there are 2 of us that are very experienced. The new driver would just be picking up the slack.  But to lose an experienced driver? They're going to be hurting whether they admit it or not. And the other dude is looking around for a better paying job as well.

I just find it funny that this situation is even occurring, for the guy that quit wasn't even that good. He was slow, talked on the phone more than worked, took waaaaaay longer to do a run than either of us other two and complained all the time.  But you see, now that he is gone, further revelations have come to my ears. He was talking quite a lot of s*** behind my back about me, which was influencing the manager's view of me.  It wasn't a week after he quit the manager came up to me and told me that now that that guy quit, it seems our relationship has improved dramatically.

Anyway, I won't hold my breath on any substantial pay increase, but it's a nice dream.  I really didn't think it was a good time to be looking for a job what with my dad in his death bed and visiting, then him dying and going to the funeral and now my son's wedding coming up next month.  Which had to go on a credit card, unfortunately, I don't even have the cash to cover airfare over there and back, not to mention pricey hotel stay. Just the area, even lower priced chains are high in that area and there isn't a thing you can do about it.

But, I won't put a road trip out of my mind.  And now my Jeep is fixed. I need to finish up the Polaris - I never completed the project because the Jeep was taking forever and I lost all motivation.  I had thoughts about taking it somewhere for a ride today, but I would have to spend a couple hours finishing it up. Since all this traveling, this is quite a lot of house work that needs to be tended to, so save that for another day.

Well. I need to go out and mow the back lawn, replace the pond pump, do some sweeping and general cleaning out there, spray the whole yard down with bug killer - bugs are crazy thick, especially mosquitoes, clean my room, laundry, etc etc etc  This is what my Saturday and probably my Sunday look like. The tradeoff is two trips that I really had to take.

I literally dread going back to work tomorrow.
This was no vacation, neither was the trip last week.
In fact, it's quite the opposite.
It's been quite draining.
Thousands of miles of driving.  Emotional drain. Expenses that are mounting up.
Really quite the opposite.

So, going back to work after everything isn't really helping anything at all.
I am hardly rested.  I am quite worn out.
I am half tempted to tell them I am not coming back tomorrow either.
In fact, I may very well.

Or, I'll go in, tough it up and just work out the week and pray for the weekend to come.

I've got yet another trip coming up in a month's time.

I'm done here for today.  I think I need to go to bed early tonight at the very least and give
myself a fighting chance at being somewhat rested for work tomorrow.

I think I'm a little out of sorts at the moment.
I'm not full of grief, though I've had my moments, especially during the memorial service.
My thought processes seem to be going into places they haven't gone before.
And reacting to things differently.
It's a very strange feeling.
To have one of your parents gone.
There is some kind of strength to your life when they are alive, even though you
aren't living with them or even seeing them every day.
It's like, yeah, they're there.
I don't really know how to explain it.
It wasn't long ago, I heard someone talking about their deceased parents
and a casual conversation where I said, I am blessed, both of mine are still around.

But that's no longer true.
The grief I've experienced, though, isn't just about my dad's passing.
It is also about my brother's hatred for him.
And my mother's disdain for him, to the point of thinking he is evil.

This haunts my mind and my heart and my soul.
It is perplexing to me.
It is something that will bug me - at the very least - for the rest of my life.
And somehow, I have to cope with people full of hate an anger towards a
person that only loved them? Or only spoke how wonderful they were?
Or only showed compassion and reaching out to them, trying to amend things?

How do you say to yourself, father, I don't ever want to hear from you again.
Father, I don't want any part of your life.
Father, stay out of my life.
Father, you are evil, you are the epitome of everything that is
wrong in this world.
How do you take that to the point that you don't even go to
your own father's funeral?

There is a part of my that wants to hold this against them for the
rest of their lives.

There is another part of me that wants to understand why?

And yet another part that challenges my walk with the Lord.

I struggle with this. I have struggled with this for a very long time.

But now, it has become much more magnified.

Father is dead.  He has passed from the earthly living to the eternal life.

He is among the cloud of witnesses now.

Would dad judge them and say he holds this against him?

As certain as I am that the sun will come up tomorrow is the same
certainty that I have that he would still have compassion for them.
Even though they didn't go to his funeral.  Even though they couldn't
even find it within themselves to shadow the door of the church it occurred
in and stand from afar off if nothing else and watch the beauty of the
celebration of a life well lived.

But, I remember once his lamenting to his wonderful wife - and yes, she is 
a wonderful lady I have come to realize during this time of grief - his lamenting
about my 2 older brothers. I'm trying to think how long ago this was.  Maybe 10 
years?  They were discussing this and he said: "They probably won't even come to 
my own funeral".  She replied, well of course they will come.

And yet, they did not.  They weren't even interested in his passing.  They didn't care.
In fact, the day dad died, my oldest brother got onto the group texting and said his
 beloved doggy had died. That ;little dog had been around 17 years.  I offered him
condolences and he replied, "yeah, it sucks". A few hours later, I went back on there
and said, "There was another loss today.  Whether you are interested in hearing or not,
I thought I'd let you know that dad passed away today. I won't say anything more about
it".

My oldest brother replied: "I wish him well and hope he finds what he has been searching
for".  ???  That is something you say to someone who you've broken up a relationship, not
 something you say about someone who has passed. It was very strange.  And it was also the
last text that has taken place on that 4 way text since Friday, June 30th.

I suspect I won't hear anything else from him.  He is likely talking to mom on a private text now
instead of a 4 way group thing.  It's been somewhere around 6 months since I heard from my middle brother.

I'm ready to write my family off now.  This was the last straw.  I don't have to like them.  God
doesn't even say that in the Bible. It says a lot of things about loving people with the love of Christ,
but I don't have to like people that hate their own father.  I can pray for them.  I can love them in the love of Christ, but if I never see either of them again, I will not have suffered one iota.

If dad were a psychotic murderer.  Perhaps some sort of life long criminal.  I don't know what
causes you to hate your own dad.  I have read accounts where I thought, well yeah, that might cause
 a person to disown their father. But my dad?  And so it is, that they hate, as far as I'm concerned, the
God that he served with his whole life and therefore, rejected him as well.

My mother tried to say that my dad was evil a week ago.  I asked why the hate towards him from
my brothers, which she went into from her perception, but her perception was wrong from the get-go.
For if she believed the stuff that she said, it was misinformation from my brothers who fed it to her
as a lie.  I love my mom, don't get me wrong, but her vitriol during this time has been astonishing.

You don't tell a son that loves his father that his dad is evil unless you can substantiate that with some solid evidence.  And I can assure you, my dad was not an evil man.

I have to somehow come to terms with this. For I can shut my brothers out.  I have tried for so long to get them to do anything in even subtle ways to acknowledge him as their dad.

One of my cousins wrote me last week about dad's death.  He said he had sent "this" message to them but didn't have my email and was re sending to me what he had sent to them. It was a letter of sympathy and condolences to my brothers.  I guess he didn't realize how they feel about their dad, so I responded to him this (I do not have a relationship with this person. whatever his reaction be after writing this, I thought, will have no bearing on me): "Hi Stephen:

I'm not going to pull any punches here, for my brothers are assholes when it comes to my father. 

They wrote him off at least a decade and a half ago and refused to talk to him, either in email, texting, even in person. They have their grievances from youth and then took extreme offense over a family reunion where dad backed out of it and said it wasn't going to happen later on in life.

Chris said last week in a text, and I will quote him: " Just so we are clear, I did not go to Brocks graduation, I will not be going to California for Calebs wedding and I will not be going to visit or to a service for JDB".  JDB is J. David Barkley.  I have no qualms or hold backs now of telling whosoever that my brothers are total dicks and assholes. They haven't seen him in a very long time, they aren't going to his funeral and they can go fuck themselves.  They don't remember any good times, if they do they won't acknowledge it.  I am going to drive 1,200 miles one way for his funeral on Saturday, they can't be bothered by their own petty bullshit to drive 150 miles.  

I'm sorry to be the one to deliver this kind of message. And I don't really know you or anyone else on the other side of the clan, excepting John Robertson who is on FB and we have communicated here and there for a few years now.  I hold no ill will against you if you find this message offensive and don't want to communicate with me again, but I have had enough of Barkley bullshit. 

Sincerely, 

ben b"

I was pissed at the time, so yes my vulgar language and no, Stephen never responded to me.  

Instead, one of his brothers who is a friend on FB wrote me a message saying he and his family offer their condolences to me and the rest of the other side of the family. It was nice to hear from John like that, we aren't close at all, but we do banter a little here and there on FB.  They are all the offspring of my dad's sister, who also has Alzheimer's.  What a sickening disease.  

But I'm not as much in anger now as in awe of people that hold extreme resentment and unforgiveness in their lives to the point that it affects their view of people to the extent that they will even write off their own family.

And now, I write them off. But not in anger. I think the anger has subsided.  It's more of a, I don't know these people.  They may be blood, but they are no part of my life and I am no part of theirs.  They have chosen that stance towards me.  It won't just "go away" in my mind. It never will. I grew up with them, we lived together in the same house. We shared life experience together.  

But my dad's death has brought about a new perspective.  Several new perspectives, actually.  I don't need these people in my life.  They haven't been  a part of my life in decades. I have reached out to them eerily, just the same as my dad did, and they have received it as a fart in the air. Just nothing.  I may continue to write about this for some time, but as far as ever seeing them again? No thanks. If it occurs, it will likely not be a pleasant situation. I won't be going to Christmas or Thanksgiving with them, I won't be sending them any more gifts.  I won't be doing anything. They may remain in my heart as my brothers, but they aren't my family.  Not in the true sense of the word.

Yes, my dad's death has had a profound effect on my view of certain things, but nothing I ever anticipated.  I just don't see any use for them.  They are total strangers.  My connection with them is in childhood and it will ever remain that way. And now, I understand. It's my love for the Lord.  It's my outspoken relationship with Christ.  It's my devotion to God, that I believe, that I long for the day to be brought unto Him.  Their hatred is really directed at God. And that is a huge problem for them, not me.   My heart grieves for them though. Do they understand what they are doing? 

God bless them   - with salvation.  My mom, a bit different. You can't write off your own mom.  She changed her tune quite a lot towards me about this when I invited her to stay out of my life if my showing my love for my dad on my FB wall is a problem.    She has no affection for my father, obviously, but that isn't stopping me from showing the love I had for my father on FB.  I know she can't stand it, yet I don't do it to spite her, but to show my love for my dad, to have a memory put in place for him, to share to my limited world how I feel about him since that seems to be a large part of what occurs on FB anyway.  And really just to express grief, to process it and eventually get past it. Though I can't say that this is anything I have ever dealt with before.  Everything else was outside of family, this is Dad.  This is the man whose seed brought me into existence.  I am as much a part of him as I am my mom.  

So yes. These are very perplexing times for me.  I have to learn how to deal with this post-death now.  I have to learn how to go about my life without my brothers at all.  I suspect the letter I sent to my cousin got back to them, as that particular cousin has always been friends with my middle brother.  

You know what's cool though? The lady - my friend - who owns the house I am living in, wrote me a message yesterday. She said: "I love you Ben, you're in my thoughts today".  She's more of a family now than I have known from my own family in a very long time.  Well all of them really, but her especially.  She talks to me about stuff that I find amazing she would even share with a man, but it's not that kind of thing you might expect. It's about asking for advice and wisdom on how to deal with things.  

I am, as I stated earlier... exhausted.  I felt the need to type some of this out.  I need to figure out how to proceed with the rest of my life. And if that's without family, then that's without family.  I have "new" family.  I have people that love me more than my own family does. I really tried with my oldest brother, though.  I really did.  God bless him - with salvation and a healing of his broken heart. 

G'nite.

Over 5,000 miles of driving in a 13 year old car with over 170k miles on it, 2 trips and home successfully without a hitch besides a bad tire. And filling the thing up a dozen times  lol.  That car will still drive 90 mph down the Interstate without a gasp of hesitation.  It still runs as smooth as the day I first bought it at 28,000 miles. It has never had a tune up.  I've had to replace the battery 3 times, front brakes several times, rear brakes once.  I spent $500 on it almost 2 years ago now to get some front end work done on it.  Countless oil changes of course.  The aesthetics of the car have all but gone away, but the mechanical function of the thing is flawless.  I dunno how much longer that will last, but until the time it dies, I can't complain about the thing.  I can and I have, actually, lol, the front windows especially, the cable kept breaking and I kept having it fixed until a gave up on it.

I haven't even replaced the accessory belt on the engine.  And after checking it, it doesn't need replaced yet.  Don't fix what ain't broke.  I don't have the "extra money" for car payments right now and haven't had in a while.  I mean, I could if I had to but why?  Newer cars are wonderful to drive. Everything works on them. And you are stuck with endless, monthly payments and full coverage auto insurance that costs a small fortune every month.  I would LOVE to drive a 10 year newer vehicle, really would.  But right now, that isn't prudent. Especially now that I have the Jeep running, albeit the AC doesn't work yet.  If the car does break down, I have a back up.

I've heard of people getting 300k miles out of this particular brand of car.  I'm quite sure I don't want to drive it that long even if it does last that long, but still.  Would I make another trip somewhere with that car like the last two? Absolutely and thinking of one in particular going the other direction.  The thing needs the transmission fluid replaced again, I"ll likely have that done soon.  It's worth it to do the required maintenance if I expect to keep it much longer, and right now, unless something happens substantial to my income, I see nothing to change that scenario.

Anyway, I have an old friend that has been asking me for years to come visit him. He is tied down by his business, he doesn't get out much.  It's 800 miles each way. I have priced airline tickets there on numerous occasions and just couldn't come up with anything viable.  Not for a 3 or 4 day visit.  He's got a diesel repair shop near Indianapolis.  He's got contracts with many major trucking carriers because his work is that good. We worked together on the mission field in the mid 80's, we became very good friends, but I haven't seen him in decades now.  Just one trip I would like to make.

I had no time to really plan either of the last two trips in the last two weeks, otherwise I would have really dug into getting the hotel stuff down because the last place I stayed? Was a horrid place. The reviews were manipulated to make it appear as if it were some wonderful hotel at a great price. It was like to sleep in a landfill, the odor in the room was horrendous.  Hence, I posted the previous post I did. Eventually, that post will come up in searches for that particular hotel but I also left a nice nasty review on TripAdvisor.

Hotels have become so expensive.  This is another drawback to travelling. You want a place to sleep and take a shower? You're going to pay for it in many areas.  For example. the entire area between Dallas and Pecos is full of pricey hotels. It's oil pumping region, as evidence by huge numbers of businesses lined up along the Interstate that either sell products to the oil industry or service the oil industry in some way. It is also a major thoroughfare for highway travelers and the hoteliers take full advantage of it.

Last night, as I was driving, I kept doing searches for all the cities in front of me and as I did the search over for some of the same places, the prices kept going up and up.  The later it got, the higher the price became.  It obviously pays to be able to book well in advance and get better pricing, but I didn't have that privilege on either of these trips. They were both last minute types of deals, do whatever it takes to get there and get back.

Still, the traveling bug has been reborn within me.  Once you get on the road and get into that mode, it really isn't bad at all.  It's just getting started that seems to be my problem.  Once I'm well away from the region I live in, it's like, okay, this has now become an adventure.

The next trip isn't that far off, next month, to Palo Ranchos Verdes in California for my son's wedding. And trust me, even well in advance, the price of hotels there is unbelievable.  Just a ritzy area on the coast.  And also the home of the Salvation Army's officer training college.  But, I am "only" driving to Dallas for that one. Around 160 miles or so.  Flying over there and then ground transportation yet to be arranged for going back and forth from the airport to the hotel and also from the hotel to the facility. I am not going to drive that far, just no way.  Almost 1, 700 miles one way, not going there.  It will be the 3rd trip in a short span of time, none of these trips are vacations.  Although I am not saying it's going to be a drag to go to Caleb's wedding lol, it's not a vacation.  If it were, I would be flying over the ocean to some European destination, not to anywhere in the US.

That has been put off indefinitely.  I've spent all my money, had to put Caleb's wedding travel on a credit card and now starts the paying that back before the wedding even occurs.

Any trips overseas? Off limits for now.  But another driving trip? Well, if planned well enough in advance for hotels or whatever accommodations, I can do that.  Of course that is contingent on time off, which so far I have been using mostly personal time and floating holidays.

Well anyway. I'm pretty tired right now.  I didn't sleep well at this nightmare hotel last night, I think I got a total of 5 hours out of it.  It took a while to get the fog out of my head this morning as I got up and got out of there as fast as possible. Like, time to hit the road.  I told the front desk about the horrific odor in the room, which I'm sure they already knew about.  They didn't care.  Neither do I, anymore, excepting to make sure that I get the reviews out there where it counts.  I just can't remember the last time that I stayed at a place that bad with reviews that good.  Well, the reviews just added up to a "good" rating.  Booking.com won't be getting any business from me in the future unless I know the property I want to stay at and they have the best price.

What now?  Well, I'm home, it's getting late.  Lots on my mind.  My dad's death, his life, the people that he affected still flooding my mind. Another post coming soon about his Memorial Service which will have much more depth to it than anything I wrote about it on Facebook.  

Do NOT stay at the Executive Inn Odessa Texas

#executiveinnodessa @executiveinn
This review cannot be altered by Booking.com, therefore this is what this place is.

I had gone to a funeral, spent half the day there, then got out on the Interstate, heading east.  I ran into nothing but very high priced hotel for hundreds of miles, 600 to be exact.  I finally found this place, Executive Inn,  on Booking.com at a reasonable price and it had good reviews.

 I got there around 12:30 am on July 9th.  It was not a decent looking place to begin with, but I was committed via internet booking to this place, so I had no choice.  Otherwise, I wouldn't have even entered the property.

After I got checked in, got into room 215 - second floor on the back building, the first thing that assailed my sense was the horrific odor in this place.  It was unbelievable.  I mean, it was a stench that you just don't ignore.

The second thing that I noticed was the curtains didn't come together to either keep daylight out or peeping toms from looking in.  I ended up using my gun to hold the curtains down on the windowsill to overlap each other.

Third, was the noise. It was almost 1:00 am by this point and people were out in the parking lot, partying or doing whatever.  And then, a woman came right in front of my door and started talking LOUDLY to whoever down below.  I was so exhausted, I just wanted to go to sleep.  I was about to go out there and tell them all off, come what may, when the noise subsided.

However, the smell in there was almost nauseating.  It was the kind of stench that just sits in your nose and you can't do anything about it.  It took an hour before I finally dozed off, for about 4 hours before someone made a loud clanking noise next door and woke me up. And there was the stench, yet again.  Another hour later I fell back asleep.

The bathroom was gross.  Just disgusting. There were cigarette butts laying all over the sidewalk outside.  In front of the rooms on the concrete sidewalk on both floors as well.

This place is nasty as can be.  You are well-advised to steer FAR clear from this hell-hole.  Pay the extra money, stay at some of the better properties east of there down the road.

Oh and the bed!  Holes in the bedspread, presumably from cigarette burns.  But who knows? And these ugly green sheets.  And the feeling of being bitten - I assume bedbugs.

Finally, on Booking.com, while looking at this property on my Iphone, there were numerous entries that were posted by "anonymous".  These posts are what drove the rating level of this "hotel" from hell up.  I assume this is the hotel owner or employees propping this pathetic, disgusting place up.
Again, please do yourself a favor, do whatever you have to, but do not stay at this place!

As my mind and heart come around to the reality of what is going on here, I come to understand that my dad is not gone, but very much alive and very much well in the place he is now at.  I must understand that his new life is greatly enhanced and renewed because of that.  He is no longer suffering. His mind no longer deceives him.  He no longer goes through the circular thoughts of what he just said, asking a question twice and three times and then, after giving him a short reply, he remembers and then, he apologizes for his dementia.

Exactly what happened.  Yea dad, but I understand, it's okay.  It was strange but not totally disheartening to hear him asking if I was the person that lived across the street from them? Or hearing him saying I am a wonderful person in a way that doesn't acknowledge that he knows my relation to him. I went through story after story about our past together before he finally connected the dots.  It was difficult to see him laying in a hospital bed, in diapers, smelling badly.  The entire house smelled.  It took some time for my sense of smell to adjust to that.

And because I have a problem with smell now - after using some nasal spray stuff several years ago and it messing things up - I have smells that stick in my nose long after I have left the place that had that smell. I was 700 miles into the trip back home and still had that smell in my nose.  But, it got me to thinking about our humanity.  The fact that we often times come into this life as babies having to be nurtured and going out of this life in the same condition.

But, do we focus on the end? No!  We focus on the life that was lived! Especially a life that was well lived! A life that honored the Lord and gave Him glory! That was a testimony to His lovingkindess, His grace and His patience towards us.  For the Lord is God! He is worthy to be praised!

___________________

Well, it's Monday evening. Did not go to work today and tomorrow is July 4th, so no work regardless tomorrow.  I have committed to coming into work for Wednesday and Thursday, but I must leave out on the road trip after work on Thursday to be in Sierra Vista by Friday evening at the latest.  I drove the car about 75 miles today, something I needed to do but just checking.  It's running fine.  I will simply head out Thursday and hope and pray the vehicle makes it through yet another extended trip.

The next pain is finding airfare and hotel in California.  I have been searching for awhile today on a large number of different sites.  I've come up with what i think will be the best deal, but I am waiting for mother to pull the trigger on her round trip airfare/hotel and see if I can at least stay in the same hotel as her.  But, I give it until tomorrow for her to do it. Wait too long and prices start to skyrocket.  Hopefully I don't get on the sites tomorrow and find they have risen $100 or more dollars.

Now, I am going to go through some old emails from dad and see if I can find some gems that I can share with people at the Memorial Service.  I don't know if there will be an open mic or not, but still, I can read a few snippets off the tablet if nothing else.

_________________

Finally got the Jeep back today, took it on an almost 70 mile run.  Ran fine, albeit no AC.  So, I guess the thing is finally working.  I'm not interested in driving a hot vehicle around and right now? I have just spent a truckload of money on airfare and hotel stay in California, plus a down payment on the Jeep plus I have a trip to make this week.  I was going to do the AC on the Jeep myself, but the technology has changed since I last did it and there are tools that I don't have that would cost a small fortune to buy that would, in effect, make it more cost effective to have a shop do it.  They will have a warranty on the work.

The vehicle isn't likely to get driven much until summer is over.  I am going to finally finish the Polaris, though, just needs a bit more on the alignment and put some plastic pieces back on it and hopefully take it for a ride somewhere, sometime in the near future.  Replacing the AC system will be dependent on finances available, I think I was quoted almost $600 to replace the compressor.  It isn't just the compressor you are replacing, you have to replace the evaporator, usually have to replace lines, flush out the system, vacuum the system, check the system for leaks via the vacuum and then finally pump the freon back into it.

It's the 4th of July, the day is almost over. Going back to work for 2 days then leaving after work on Thursday for the trip back to Sierra Vista.  Caleb was asking for a ride down there, I told him he would have to be picked up the day before. I think he didn't like that idea but I'm not going to have to be leaving on Saturday morning to try to be there in time at 10:00. I would rather wake up in the hotel, have time for coffee, a shower, shave, think about things and then make my way the short drive over to the church.

I got a job offer, but it's so many hours and it's starting at the very bottom of the totem pole.  It would take years to get anything close to where I am at with benefits right now.  But I guess that would be expected anywhere.  It also requires Saturday work unless you work marathon days to get your minimum allotted work done before the weekend.  Like 14 hour days they were telling me.  I'm good up to about 12 hours, after that, I start to fade.  Not sold on that one.  The pay is excellent though.  Like so much more than I'm making now that it almost offsets all the cons. I say almost because I'm simply not convinced that that many hours, at my age, is a good fit for me. I'm going broke currently though.

I can't afford anything now.  The hour cutbacks are just too much.  They don't care that our annual pay is down significantly.  My savings account is almost wiped out and I haven't been doing much of anything.  My plans to buy another ATV are gutted.  I can't get the AC fixed on the jeep.  I'm uncomfortable with a paycheck to paycheck living situation I will be at in short order.  I did have a nice cushion of at least 3 grand for quite a while there, years actually. Sometimes it would dip down into the 2 grand situation but not often.  I am dumping a lot of money into 401k and have been for quite a while, not really something I want to cut back on, but I did reduce the contribution percentage recently.  I still have a good chunk of change going in there though.

I'm not sure what to do now.  I think a job offer with a bit less hours is what I need.  And guarantted weekends off or minimal weekends having to work.  I have no get rich schemes available and I have few options.

Well, whatever the case, enough for one entry, this one was days in the making.

Honestly not looking forward to another 2,600 mile road trip.  Just too soon to be doing another one. But I've checked Greyhound and I've checked all the shuttle services I could find. Greyhound stops at Benton, but Sierra Vista is another 40 or so miles south of there.  Then I would have to take a shuttle from Benson to Sierra Vista.  If my dad hadn't lived so far south at what is basically a dead end before you get to Mexico.  It's a military town, that's what the "attraction" there is. Lots of retired military there too.

Anyway, I'm still both saddened and angered by my brother's lack of response to this.  Totally expected, still totally unacceptable.  I let them know in the group texting thing we have going that dad died yesterday.  No response from anyone.  My mom told me in a private text to " leave it alone".  I love my mom, but she is NOT going to tell me to be silenced. I'm not a 5 year old and I let her know in no uncertain terms that if my voicing my opinion about my dad was going to be a problem for her, I will "not bother you anymore about anything".

I'm sick  of my family's attitude towards my dad. My mom is divorced from him over 3 decades, but that doesn't give her right and license to just drone on about how evil she thinks he is, even in his death.  That is some sick s*** right there.  Shut the hell up and keep it to yourself if you can't say anything nice about a dead man. He spent his life helping people, if you can't at least acknowledge something good about him, I don't want to hear anything at all from you about it.   

I grew up with my dad, I know how he is.  I remember going on countless bird watching hikes with him.  Going on nature hikes, we would go camping in the woods and he would point out stuff and give a short description of what it is and what it's importance was.  My dad was a loving soul, I don't give a serious damn about my family's lack of love for him in trying to shut me up about it and I am sick of their vilification of him.  I made ONE text, very brief and said I wouldn't say anymore about it and my mom gives me hell for that? NO.  I left it up to her if she wanted to have any further interest in my life, for I am not going to continue to tolerate this bullshit from any of them. I will close myself off to all 3 of them forever.

My cousin has given me FAR more support from the other side of the world than anyone around here in my family lines has.  It's amazing - amazingly pathetic.  

My family sucks.  That's all there is to it. I don't care if I ever see my brothers again.  I'm getting close to that with my mother.  She wants me to fly to Phoenix to drive her to the wedding in August. The HELL with that. I'm not going to spend 6 hours listening to someone whine about bs in our family that is non-existent. I understand she has her feelings about him from a divorced view of it, but I am his SON.  She can't even see that he was my dad and that I loved him?   

To be honest, I am FAR more grieved about my brothers lack of any interest, whatsoever, in my dad than I am of my dad's passing.  Their hatred for him. Their unceasing anger towards him.  He went to Heaven, he is with the Lord, I am content with that.  I will miss knowing that he is alive and having our conversations, but we will have that once again sometime in the future.  For the Lord is our God, our Father and we have an everlasting covenant with Him through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Thank you Jesus!

So yes, I'll drive out there once again.  I simply can't afford the high cost of flying to Tucson and the shuttle fee on top of that  I will leave out of here directly after work on Thursday, try to get at least 400 miles in before stopping somewhere and then finish it off on Friday.  I have already made hotel reservations at the same place I stayed at on Saturday.

______________________


Sunday morning. Woke up with hives and rashes on various parts of my body. I am not sick so I think I know what the problem is.  Mites.  Dogs have them. I treated Addler yesterday and will be treating the Shepherd today. No I haven't been letting them in my bed but they sleep in my room and this is the only thing I can think of that is causing this. The rashes are where my body makes the most contact with the bed so it only makes sense to me that mites are the problem. Currently washing everything in hot water, will be going to the store to buy some poison to spray in the room and hopefully rid the room of the mites.

That is creating a rather busy day for me in what otherwise was going to just be laid back and resting.  It just became obvious yesterday that Addler has mange, hair starting to fall out near his tail and scratching and itching all over. This isn't a food allergy, this is definitely them little critters eating him alive.  After I bathed him yesterday, I sprayed the mite stuff on him and the itching all but completely ceased.  He is now only itching in areas that I didn't spray - I didn't see anything there so I didn't spray it. Will be dealing with that a little later on as well.

Dad Is In Heaven

The day finally came.

While on lunch break, I got a FB message from one of my dad's wife's son's wives.  

We have kept in touch for a while since my dad's health started going seriously bad.

The message said: "I just tried to call you". 

I knew what had happened.  I felt it.  I knew my dad had passed.

But, messaging that kinds of news to family members is lame, I must agree, she didn't say what was going on, just asked for my number.

She immediately called and let me know what was going on.  

My dad's wife had tried to call as well, but she had an old number that I haven't had in years.

So there it is.  I was on lunch break at work, and though I expected some grief, it hit me hard.  I came back to work, sitting in the parking lot thinking about how I am going to go in there to tell them I need to go home without breaking down in front of everyone.  Not really something I want to do.  But, fortunately, the manager was outside talking on the phone.  I waited for him to get off and told him what was going on.  He immediately offered his condolences, which was nice considering.  Told me to just stay on the clock and he would punch me out at 5, which was also pretty amazing considering his stance on such things.  Then told me to call on Monday - we are open on Monday, that's just the way our company works even though there will be very little to nothing going on since 4th of July is on Tuesday.  I fully expect to call him and tell him I will be in on Wednesday.  

Millie - my dad's wife- already set the memorial service for Saturday the 8th at 10am.  I know for certain no one else from my side of the family will be there.  

____________

This has been a troubling day.  But, I am glad to have so much support from so many people.

I'm looking at a 2,400 road trip.  I can't afford the pricing of flying to Phoenix and then $300 round trip ground transportation from Phoenix to Sierra Vista.  Or to Tucson - flying into there is much more expensive.  

 

I can only drive there to be a part of it.  Should I spend 3 days worth of driving back and forth to attend my dad's Memorial Service? That is a rhetorical question.  I should get there however it take me to get there.  I will tentatively leave on Thursday after work, arrive on Friday evening.  Hopefully get some kind of sleep at the hotel I already stayed in down there and have booked for that date and then, head straight back. 

Yeah, the head straight back junk may change. I wouldn't mind simply spending another night at that hotel and do nothing more than sit around contemplate things.  I just don't know about driving straight back.  I paid for that on Wednesday coming back the evening before and going straight back to work.  I'm not in my 20's or 30's anymore. 

I'm worn out.  I've been tearing up much of the day.  Thoughts of the past with dad.  Thoughts of how my brothers hate him.  I sent them a text - the same group text we all chat in- I got nothing back. They won't even acknowledge my dad in his death.

That is both saddening and very angering to me.  

Well I put up a post yesterday concerning the second part of the trip but it ended up in another blogger account I have - and haven't used in years.  In fact, it was quite ironic that of the only 4 posts in that account, the one that came up was a trip to Dad's in Sierra Vista some years ago.  Just a bit eerie.
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Anyway, I stopped last night at around 11:30 pm in Amarillo, Texas.  I found another great deal on Expedia for this HUGE hotel property. My $109 room was $36 plus tax.  The room was huge.  I was amazed at what I got for the money paid.  However, the hotel I ended up in Sierra Vista, though not as big, I liked much better.  Still, I got a decent night's sleep, got up around 8:30 am, ate their free breakfast - standard nothing breakfast but since it was free I figured better than shelling out even more money.

Got out on the road and burned up the rest of the fuel in the car, filled it up again somewhere well outside of Ft Worth, and kept right on driving.  I hate, hate, hate driving through Dallas. the freeways are all torn up for construction and they've been torn up for years now.  I held in the need to go to th bathroom, got through there and held it in for another 150 miles lol.

Almost 2,600 miles covered. That old car had no more problem than a bad tire, which I would have had to replace regardless of the trip or not.  I'm going to check my account for how much money I spent on fuel. Actually, I put some of it on a Chevron card as well.  4 hotel stays, all last minute deals that all turned out to be either good or very good.  Visiting dad, Caleb and my mom.  had a lot of thinking time.  Saw some places I haven't seen in decades, especially on the trip back since I went up to I40 from mom's property. Driving through New Mexico is some interesting stuff.

I can't remember that last time I took a road trip that far.  And it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I was really worried about that old car. It runs like a champ, but still.  Who knows what might happen on that much driving constantly 5 days in a row.

It was an exceptional trip in that I found out that for as much as I dislike driving for work anymore, I could enjoy myself driving on pleasure. Well this wasn't exactly pleasure considering my dad's condition.  I expect a phone call soon enough that he has passed away.  But for as much driving as it was, it was definitely worth the drive to see him, visit with him, prod his memory so he could remember who I was.  Cause' at first, he had no clue.  I had to tell story after story of mainly stuff we did together as a young boy and he finally connected the dots.

His wife was gracious enough, more than I expected, though it was obvious elongated visits were not welcomed.  But I had driven all that way, I ignored the clues and just sat there, looking at day, conversed with him and she finally sat down and joined in, which really helped a lot because my dad really isn't comfortable around anyone without her around.  Played some Gospel music and sang to it.  Reminisced of days gone by. Talked politics. Talked about the Lord.  I was intent on getting whatever conversation I could out of my dad for the time I was there, because I am quite certain that trip will be the last time I see him alive on this earth.  Now I don't have to regret not seeing him.  I don't have to wonder what it would have been like to see him in his final days of life.  I don't have to stress about things not done.  I am at peace now.  My dad will pass, he will go to be with the Lord, my life will go on however much longer it will and I will go to the same place and be with him again someday.

But you see, I have a friend that is about 700 miles from here that I was scoffing at airfare pricing, but also scoffing at the idea of driving over there.  Not anymore.  Driving, especially nowadays with fuel at the price that it is, is not that bad You just need the time to do it.  But, I can't take any time off until they get another driver.  However, that will be overlooked if/when dad passes.

My mom.  You know, I probably would have stayed longer up there, but it's quite hot up in those mountains right now and as always, she doesn't care anything about using AC.  She just doesn't. She complained that it costs her a hundred bucks a month to run the AC in the afternoon.  We were sitting outside and it was quite warm.  I did that for almost 3 hours and that was it, that was all I could take.  I have always attributed to her love of the dry heat to it's effect on her fibromyalgia, somehow make the pain subside or lessons it.

And I forgot the irritation of the next door neighbor's 15 year old son, speeding up and down the street, always in someone's truck - a different truck it seems all the time - burning out tires, it gets old.  The peace I was just experiencing here dismantled by this bs.

Well anyway, I just got home a while ago and trying to settle back into to "real life".  Meaning in a little over 12 hours from now, I have to be at work. It is an ending to a trip that isn't quite so wonderful. I always schedule trips to have a buffer day - a complete day back home - to get my mind back into the daily grind. Time to anticipate what's coming, which isn't really all that wonderful.

I understand now the need to get out of here more often though, on top of everything else. It is a very nice readjustment.  Working is not what life is about.  It is an end to a means.  If it doesn't do that, then it is worthless.  I am considering that my place of employment, without the OT, is worthless.  The last 2 or 3 weeks the hours mysteriously came back.  No rhyme, no reason. I get suspended on this bridge in between my current place of employment and finding a new job.

Anyways, I don't want to go into that right now.  I drove 700 miles yesterday and I enjoyed that.  The car is old, some things don't work (and not worth fixing) but it's comfortable.  I have long resisted the temptation to get into a newer vehicle with payments and I"m glad I did.

What's next?  Caleb's wedding.  Perhaps a funeral. That kinda takes up any fund and time off that I can do right now.  In fact, I intend on approaching the manager tomorrow and telling him that whether he has a new driver or not by August,  I am taking time off to go to my son's wedding in CA. It isn't his fault though. He has had 3 drivers go through our company's background check - and all 3 failed.  Our company doesn't hire people with felonies or other wild stuff in their background, at least not if it is recent.  All nice and fine, but he needs to get someone in there or simply deal with that fact that there is only going to be one driver when I or the other driver-  who has been wanting to take time off as well - needs to take time off, we are going to do so.

In all of this, as I already said but feel the need to reaffirm: I am at peace now.  That is what I needed on this trip. It doesn't matter how much traveling or time it took or that in 5 days I only spent 5 hours over 2 days with my dad, it mattered that I connected with my family in a meaningful way that brought us together.  I wish I could say that I had that relationship with my brothers, but considering my oldest brother just told my son he isn't coming to his wedding - though I don't really hold that against him - and won't go visit his father in his death throes and won't be going to his funeral. My middle brother has disappeared off the "family" text so I haven't heard from him in months.  I'm not sure I would miss not ever hearing from him again.

Well that's it I guess.  I need to make more trips like this one.

Dad

SO the trip to visit my dad. Space but the elongated Drive no doubt about that. However I tend to drive rather fast so the 15 hours was probably more like 12 and a half. But I started Friday night and drove 400 miles and then stopped in a small town out in the middle of nowhere. I tried to stop at a Motel 6 about 50 miles before that but they wanted $70 to stay at a Motel 6. Who pays $70 to stay at a Motel 6? I've never even heard of that. That's. I was exhausted but there's no way that I'm going to pay that much money to stay at a motel like that.

Anyway, the next day I drove the rest of the eight hundred miles or 700 or whatever it was to get there and with no small amount of trepidation went up and knocked on the door. Millie of course answer to though they do have in home Hospice Care it wasn't there at the moment. She assured me right into my dad's bedroom where they had a hospital bed set up and an oxygen machine and all kinds of stuff like that in there. My dad didn't even know who I was, was he was on some pain medication and he wasn't whites in his right mind which is saying even worse than the Alzheimers effects.

Got a chance to talk to Emily as well and she gave me some writings that my dad had saved from our side of the family that she didn't really even know who it was or anything like that. Eventually after about two two and a half hours I left period I was thinking well that wasn't as bad as it could be but it wasn't all that wonderful either since my dad just didn't seem to be all there. I got on my phone and found a hotel for $32 a night and said well that'll have to do. I got there and was absolutely shocked at how very nice the accommodations were in that price. It's summertime over here it's hot and people apparently our visiting, LOL. I liked it so much that I stayed from about 8:30 until 9 this morning Finally checked out and went back to visit my dad for a last time, likely the last time I'll ever see him alive again on this Earth. Today's visit was much better than yesterday, he was much more coherent and he wasn't on the pain medication he remembered who I was all though he had to keep asking the same questions over and over, he also realized that his memory was bad.

Penny one more to ask me if driving that far to see my dad for five hours was worth it I would give them a definitive yes. He was talking quite a bit though you had to ask him a few times to understand what he was saying and sometimes you just said oh yeah that's right when you really didn't understand what was coming out of his mouth. His old humor was intact though. His wife kept hiding him from using the word hell because he is was a minister and people that used to be under his care in the church we're looking at him I guess when they come over and visit like wow. Anyway the caretaker finally showed up and it was obviously time for me to leave as Millie was saying she would have to deal with not only the caretaker but the caretaker to come in take all his clothes off and clean him from head to toe. So I spent about another 5 minutes spitting my goodbye wishes and telling my dad how much I love him, and left.

Forgot to tell the story that he had wanted to get out of bed so badly to go play the piano! Millie finally said will you help him get into his rolling chair and push him over to the piano so that he can get it out of him? He doesn't understand that he can't really do that anymore. So we went through the process of getting him out of bed and into the chair and rolling him over there where the effects of Alzheimer's had obvious results. He kept saying strange things about his fingers in his eyes and how they weren't working properly. But he did try to play for a while! The thing that's sad about that is it was only three weeks ago that he was sitting at the piano playing very well actually.

Now on I-10 Westbound headed towards Phoenix. My son is very busy with the Salvation Army but said I could come visit him at his office where they hand out water on hot days like this. I have his pre-wedding gift for him to help him with expenses for the wedding. Since I got out of Dad's house a little bit sooner than I thought I was going to, I may hit up to Payson after visiting was Caleb, find a hotel to stay at there, and then go visit my mom up at her property tomorrow morning. Morning. I'm not sure about that one yet though.

This is like the worst time of year to be visiting Phoenix. I am not going to stay long. I have zero relationship with my brothers and I really don't want to go see the house, they keep it in maculate and spotless and I just have no desire to go back there. My brother's I didn't even have a relationship with anymore. My oldest brother called my son and told him he wasn't coming for his wedding wouldn't be visiting his dad for a visitation or a funeral and basically LOL tough luck. In my estimation he is a miserable excuse for a human. My other brother I haven't heard from in four months or so now and I don't care to hear from him. I do have some friends though in Phoenix area but I figure to see family and then head home. Perhaps I can make a trip to some other time then come down here and visit everyone. My mind really isn't into visiting people and having fun and all that, not after the visitation with my father. Anyway I have been doing this on a Google tab and it seems to work pretty good for voice dictation.

The days are wearing thin on me.
My dad is - for all intents and purposes, dying.  Part of his heart doesn't work, the blood he lost from that drug the doctor prescribed him late last year which obviously didn't work as intended caused him to basically go on a downward death thrall.  My son's wedding in August.  My oldest brother sending a text today saying he wasn't going to Caleb's wedding and he is not going to either see his dad for a visit or go to "services" he called, it obviously referring to a funeral.

Getting to Sierra Vista from here is not an easy task.  I simply don't have the money to fly straight there.  Well I might have the money, but August is around the corner, meaning flying out to California and hotel stay.  And eating. And transportation. Etc Etc Etc.

The Jeep has been fixed. They finally figured out it was a valve that was basically riding in there without being mounted.  Yup, the retainers had come out, causing the thing to basically float in there.  I still don't understand why they didn't catch this in the first place. I specifically asked them about doing a compression check, of which they said passed their test. Well how the hell does it pass a compression test with a valve not seating properly?  Stuck with another $800 bill, and that was at a discounted rate.

Addler has some sort of skin issue going on.  I dunno what it is. I thought maybe mites but the stuff I bought to deal with it didn't stop him licking and scratching. It isn't fleas, so I have no clue.  Which means a vet visit.

Hours down for 4 weeks in a row until last paycheck.  This next paycheck will be well up, but the loss of the hours before that has already hit my finances and now my savings are dwindling, my checking account is at it's lowest in years and yet I am facing all of these expenses?  Am I not supposed to go see my dad? Am I supposed to skip on my son's wedding? Should I leave the dog to live in misery? I've brought my credit up in recent times but I still can't get a personal loan. The house payments being behind for so long are still hitting my credit score, it probably will for some time to come.

The only thing I have left is credit cards.  If I rack up the cards too high, the score will drop significantly until I bring the balances back down. Yet at this point, I don't see anything else in the cards.  I absolutely hate when I get hit with all kinds of stuff coming at me at once. I have money saved up for Caleb's wedding gift, I could have lowered that I guess but he called the other day. Dad, can you help out with wedding expenses?

I"m not particularly enjoying life right now with all of this coming at me.  Oh, and Caleb isn't doing tuxedos, he's doing some sort of Philippino dress called a Barong. I"ve seen them on Ebay for less than $50 bucks, so I will probably just buy one of those and whatever pants that go with it and sandals, for they aren't even going to be wearing shoes, lol, they are doing it barefoot in some sort of traditional Philippino marriage ritual.  I figure to dress in the same garb all of them are in for the fun of it.

Anyway, there is too much going on here. I can deal with it, but I don't want to.  Some of it is very depressing.  Some of it makes me angry.  My brother and his shit text today would be the cause of that.  I expect no less from either of my brothers, but when I read it on a text and see the brazenness of it, it just pisses me off. At least have the decency to word it in a polite manner, instead of coming off as some stupid redneck hillbilly bs shit talk.

One thing that is really getting at me is this: I really wanted to fly overseas this year.  Sometime this year.  That was a goal I had.  It was doable, too, until all of this came up.  In fact, I had planned on doing that in the next 2 months.  A week of flying over the ocean, visiting somewhere in Europe and then flying back.

Too much.  I'll post again soon.