Something must have changed about my appearance?  Or maybe I just haven't been noticing?  Or what?  I was standing at a Starbuck's earlier - my lady got me that cup that has free refills for the entire month of January and yes, I have taken quite the advantage of it! - and felt eyes on me.  I din't recognize I felt the eyes, I just looked up in the direction of the person and there was the lady sitting in a chair, staring at me with a smile on her face.  We locked eyes for a moment and the she looked away.  She was with another guy.

Several times in recent times I have been catching ladies looking at me.  I don't find that abnormal, at all, but I just either haven't been noticing it or whatever about my appearance or - something - has changed.  I am smiling more, lol, I know that for a fact and I am doing that regardless of anyone around or not! Okay! I was  just tickled me that this lady was looking at me so intently until I caught her off guard and locked eyes with her.

She is looking forward to her visit here, even though in the last couple days it's been pretty rough.  I mean, really rough.  I can't wait to show her a good time, a true vacation, away from all those kids and especially the ones mouthing off to her and dropping the f bombs, using the rest of the cusswords in the spectrum, refusing to do anything she tells them to do and basically the shittiest attitude you could possibly think of, that's what goes on.

The 17 year old is so far off in his thinking, I can't imagine WHAT is going to happen to him after he leaves the house.  He has NO clue how good he has it and is totally unappreciative of everything she does for him.  He declared today that he's moving out.  Great, I said to her, let him go!  He needs to learn and obviously that ain't gonna happen at your house! He's out for a week and he's gonna find out just how hard it is.  No car, no job, no money.  He posted on his Facebook wall that he needs a place to stay and will also need a ride to school.  Please.  I do NOT take pleasure in another person's calamity, as the bible puts, not at all.  I just fear that even thoughts of suicide and ending it will occur because he is so totally unprepared, mentally, for what's going to come at him.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Sorry folks!  I just find myself getting caught up in another life that is 1,200 miles away! I forget to finish entries, I must have a dozen drafts sitting in there that I haven't posted!

Let's get into yesterday! Cause it was crazy!

She is at her store, she calls the 17 year old up to get out of bed and bring the pickup down to the store and empty the trash.  They put the trash in that back of it and haul it to the store instead of paying for waste service at their house.  He gets there and starts getting into it with her yet again about the same old things: you should be doing this, you don't buy enough milk, yada yada yada.  She says whatever and he throws the keys to the gate at her, tells her to f*** off and then gets in the truck -which is hers, not his - and goes home!

When he gets home, he posts on his Facebook wall that he's moving and needs a place to stay and oh, btw, I will need a ride to school!  It was shortly after that that I was talking to her on the phone and she was asking my advice.  He crossed the line! He wants to leave!  Yet, he has nowhere to go so he's still at home.  it's time to lay down the law! No more cussing, no more foulness with you, shut up and leave!  NO MORE!  He quit his job, he doesn't have any money, was demanding $40 from her which she refused to give him.  She took the car keys away from him - not his car either that he drives, that's also hers - and gave him the law.  If you can't talk to me nice, don't talk to me at all!  That was my suggestion - stern suggestion though - she has tolerated more than enough from a kid that is about to turn 18, screw that!  That boy can just shut his da** mouth!  If he doesn't, kick his @$$ out. You don't need that in your home! So that's where that stands, for now.  Do NOT back off and stick to your guns!

Next, the 15 year old.  He goes on this date with a 13 year old girl.  The girl's mother picks him up and they are off doing whatever the entire day.  He's texting me here and there - I dunno, we have something of a relationship going where we talk about things and he even asks for advice - and then he bids me a goodbye.  No biggies there, but I was talking with my lady all day long yesterday and then at around 8, I asked when the 15 year old was coming home?  Ding ding ding!  I didn't know that he had told her he would be home no later than 5!  We got so completely wrapped up in talking about the 17 year old and what to do with him that the 15 year old totally slipped her mind.  Well I am not there, I thought he might be home, but didn't know for sure, hence I asked.

So she tries to text him.  No answer. Ooops!  I'm thinking, what is with the mom of this girl that she doesn't keep in touch with 15's mom? Especially having him all day long - no communication whatsoever.  My lady has so much going on and dealing with that 17 year old, things slip her mind.  So she forgot to save the other mom's phone number.  She then finds a text in her phone from a phone number she doesn't recognize, it's the girl's phone (does everyone on earth have an Iphone? even kids? Cause I don't have one!).  it wasn't asking if he could stay longer, it was telling her he was staying longer to watch a movie with them!  I have become my lady's advice/suggestion factory.  She asks,, I tell her.  I was ALL over my son at that age!  Texting him, driving around to find him and surprise visits, got my inspiration from the movie Uncle Buck - funny movie but a couple of good ideas in there, really, on keeping track of your teenage kids.

It rang with me: yes, I will just make sure he calls me every hour on the hour and I will know where he is going and yes, I will show up sometimes to let him have the idea that he isn't going to get away with much of anything!  That's how I raised my boy.  Back to this 15 year old.  If there is one thing that is certain, that boy KNOWS not to mess with momma on communication.  She gets back on with him and frankly tells him not to push her or this whole thing is going to be cut off.  Oops.  Boy is in "love", he doesn't want that.  I was talking to my lady, like what on earth is this woman thinking? The other mom that is?  Your son has been over there almost 11 hours, hon, it's time for him to come home, screw the movie! Don't text them, CALL that number and ask to speak to the mom!  Do you think that woman would like it if the situation was reversed? I'l tell you what, dear, if it were me, I would have driven over there, showed up on their doorstep, smiled at them and said, yup, it's time for my boy to come home.  THAT would get the message across pretty plain and clear!  And yes, that is exactly what I would have done!

Turns out the boy's phone allegedly isn't working over there, bad reception.  Is that a valid excuse? NO!  Well I dunno what my lady said to them but they were out of there and heading back in a hurry!  Come in the door, they all said they were sorry. If there is one person that should be saying they're sorry, it's that mom!  So then, m'lady shows the mom a pic of me and she's like, wow, he's hot!  LOL!!!  Then come to find out the 15 year was talking about me to them while they were over there.  Okay,  I get it finally, the kid obviously thinks highly of me.  I don't say that in vain or think I'm anything great, but I have spent ample amounts of time helping this kid to think things through, a thing he hasn't exactly mastered yet.  He posted something on his FB wall the other day out of extreme anger, I contacted him and we had a rather long discussion.  I mean, threatening another kid on FB not a good idea.  The school he goes to will boot any kids that get into fights, period. Strict policy and they will boot them even if the fight doesn't happen on school grounds.  So, trying to get the boy to think:  Umm, dude, you haven't read about schools that boot students for some of the stuff they have posted on their FB wall? Employers firing employees for same such?  Next thing I know, he says he deleted, and thanks man.

Well anyway.  My suggestions: 6 hours max date.  Next date at your house,not hers.  Text every hour on next date over there.  CALL and ASK permission if something changes.  Next date is going to be at m'lady's house and yes, she will be all over them, it will be totally supervised and that will be that.

Now then.  Countdown to her visit.  Still haven't found a ring! Well I did, but I decided better to wait until the first and get some tenant money in.  Yes, I am seriously zeroing in on the decision to ask her to marry me.  But, I just still have thing in my head: wait until after next visit, no kids around, spend some quality time together, let's make sure that this is right for both of us.  So that's really the only thing holding me back right now.  How do we do without kids around? Okay, we had plenty of time without kids around on both of my trips out there, but on this trip, there ARE no kids to interfere.  Yes, they may text her asking her stuff - like she imposed a rule while she's gone: the kids are to go NOWHERE. Well, to school yes but otherwise nothing else.  In other words, they are prolly going to be texting her: can we PLEASE go here or there? Or, what are you two doing?  Or, did he propose to you yet? LOL.

Enough for one entry!

ben

Dear Fin:
I suspect it will actually be a good birthday for me as well.  My lady will be here, George is making us dinner at his urging and George and Susan are good company.  I will be with my lady alone, no kids.  Even if we go NO WHERE on day 1, that is all good with me.  I will plan on whatever for the next day.  A road trip around the state would be cool.  A trip to the Grand Canyon or other such places that we have in our state would be nice as well. We are definitely going to go to my mom's property and spend some time up there.  It's colder up there so snuggling is even nicer : )

______________________________________________________

Meanwhile, I finally figured the 17 year old out.  Umm, no, not really, but I came to the understanding of some of his issues so, the shy person that I am and concerned about people and wondering where their lives are going, especially teenagers who are somewhat clueless, I started texting him a series of questions.  Yup, mom gave me his phone number a while back, I have texted him before and nothing terribly ill coming from him but not abusing it either.

This went on for quite a while, hours actually. I finally got an understanding of where he is coming from. I am not going to go into details, this is the worldwide web,  don't feel comfortable talking about some of the intimate details of another person's problems here, so I will leave it at that.

I also talked to the 15 year old at great length today - he was getting into some things as well.  This isn't anything evil or against the law or whatever, just personal issues and that, as well, will stay off the WWW.  It is interesting that they are talking to me so freely, though.

________________________________________________________

Thursday morning.  Still contemplating this whole situation.

But I need to turn that off for a while.  Got a busy day at work - finally! - and will keep me trucking all over the place, should be all the way up until quitting time.  I kinda need to give my brain a rest on all this analyzation (I had to look that word up on spelling cause spell check says it's wrong!) and just give it a rest for a day.  Yeah right, good luck to me on that one!  Especially when I start getting messages from any of over half a dozen kids!

Enough.  I don't really feel like writing much this morning.

ben

Tuesday.
Long, boring day at work. Did not get anything to do until around 12:45 pm and that was a very small and short-lived delivery to a job site not far from our branch.  It is a bit disconcerting to see us going through this again - the entire region is going through the same thing.  In the past, that meant layoffs/pink slips.  They've hired a bunch of new people - but fortunately none of them are drivers and there are only 3 of us - 2 from the main branch and me from the East Valley branch - that have been there a long time and we know what we are doing. That doesn't make any of us non-expendable, but it is hopefully at least a bit helpful.

As for the misses and I, just biding our time until she comes out here.  I am hopeful for a good ending to this 3rd visit with each other.  But who knows.  She is coming on my birthday which also happens to be my 50th birthday.  I didn't have too big a problem hitting 40, but hitting 50?  Not really like that at all.  I know, it's not that bad, whatever, it is for me, at least for now.  I'll get over it but going out and having a fun time not really anything I was looking forward to doing, but she is insisting that we go do something.  This is a brace-myself moment for me, not the part being with her but yes, hitting the big 5-0.

2:00 am.  Black Dane.  Gets up out of bed running to the door, I wake up instantly, turn on the light and there he is, s****** all over the place while walking around.  Piss me off.  That dog doesn't even try to wake me up.  Threw his @$$ out, cleaned up and extensive amount of mess and left him out for the rest of the night and day.  Can't believe that dog.  Every other dog will wake me up, come stick their muzzle in my face, but noooooo, not Prince.  Just get up and start crapping everywhere.  He does it again and his days sleeping in my bedroom are done.  He even has his own bed, for crying out loud.  Whatever.  Just a very rude awakening to that site and smell at that hour of the night.

Her kids.  Have talked at great length to the 15 and 17 year old - yes, even more than what I last reported.  But the 17 year old is living in some sort of unrealistic dream world.  I'm not going to sit here and bash the boy, he is a product of his upbringing.  A lack of a dad's involvement and even a cold shoulder from his dad at this point.  He is, simply put, not ready for the real world and if his attitude towards his mother continues the way it's been going, he is in for a rude awakening.  If he were to be put out on the streets right now, he would probably not make it.  I both feel for him and wonder about his attitude at the same time. And all that he believes........

The 15 year old goes back and forth between obedience and doing what he is told and disobedience and either mouthing off or simply ignoring her altogether.  Not really going to go into the details, he's actually a good kid but has some anger issues.  Well they're both good kids, IMO they have potential just need some strong guidance to steer them in the right direction.  They absolutely to not get that guidance from their dad, at least from what I can see and hear.

Whatever the case, I spend quantitative amounts of time thinking about actually moving out there and living out there versus what I am doing right now.  At times, I think, what am I thinking about doing here?  Going to live with a lady that has all these rebellious teenagers?  Why would I want to subject myself to that?!!  Then I think about my 2, week-long visits there and consider that they did not act out when I was there.  But I know teenagers.  I may be a LOT bigger than them, but teenagers tend to push the limits.  Go as far as they can and see what happens.  Are you going to cave, are you going to be able to deal with it, what?  I'd have to live with all of this, therefore, yes, I need to give it serious consideration and thought.

Not shying away, but count the costs, as the Bible puts it in Luke 14:28 puts it, though that is concerning counting the costs of becoming a disciple of Christ.  Still, I won't just blindly jump into this and not give serious consideration to what I am leaving behind and what I am walking into.  A house that needs a great deal of attention and repairs, a property that is beautiful but also needs some attention, kids that have lost their way.  Beautiful lady though, : ).  Moving to a place where I know absolutely no-one, having to start all over again in a different church (and from what I am seeing of the church she is going to, I don't much care for it), etc etc etc.  It's a lot to take in.

Susan came out a while back and gave me a look and said she wrote down on a piece of paper when she moved out here from California the pro's and the con's and gave me the suggestion that I do the same, so that is what I have been doing.

As for today, I am tired.  That dog doing that in the middle of the night. It's not like you can just turn over and go back to sleep.  The smell is obnoxious, you have no choice but to get up and deal with it, including getting out the carpet cleaning machine and clean the carpet - and clean it well.

Enough.  She has been busy all day and we haven't had chance to talk that much. Her insurance agent should be leaving soon and then we can spend some time talking!

ben

Saturday morning.
Have to replace front brakes and one of the rotors today, plus a list of things I want to get done around the house.  So talking with her all morning long not helpful in doing anything! We both had to force ourselves to say bye for now and get going with the day.

ALL of her boys were giving her hell last night, though.  It's one thing when one of them is going haywire, it's totally different when all 5 off them have gone off the deep end and whining, yelling, dropping f bombs, slamming things around, etc. etc. etc.  Very little I can do from here except seek the Lord and talk to those boys whenever they feel open to talk about it, which seems to go in cycles.  And right now, the 15 year old isn't talking and is angry.  But I've pretty much got him nailed: hormones, girls on his mind, not liking restriction of freedoms but won't do anything around the house, either.  He flat refuses at this point to do anything at all.

The 17 year old I am talking with - at his pace.  He flat out told me in message that he only has ONE friend, that's his girlfriend and he doesn't know how to start relationships/build friendships with anyone.  For some people that is easier than for others, that's a fact.  He told me that at previous school - it was a private school - that the seniors were all making fun of him the entire time he was there, told me he didn't have the guts to stand up to them  and that he pretty much closed himself down at that point.  His dad told him HE (and rest of the kids) are the reason they got divorced and blames him for it!  Can you believe that?!! What kind of father would tell his kids that?  But the dad is the most messed up one of them all.  Goes and lives in a 1 bedroom apartment and gets a car that can only hold a few of the kids so he doesn't have to deal with them.

This has taken literally months to even get a conversation going with this kid.  I'm not pushy, I just let things go at their own pace and whatever happens, I pray about it and give it up to the Lord.  When I was at Encounter group last night - intense prayer meeting that is held on some Fridays of the month - I heard a word from the Lord and had a vision about this kid and yes, when I got home, I told him I received something for him and did he want to hear/read it?  Yes he did but by that time the "all hell broke loose" scenario had already taken place and mom was mad and had shut off the wifi.  I asked if she would turn it back on at least for a few minutes so I could send it to him and then she can turn it back off.

Ummm, pause in that one.  15 year old just texted me that "mom is calling the cops so you better talk some freaking sense into her". That kid won't get anywhere with me talking to me like that.  He's just full of anger and resentment and I have yet to find out WHY he is so angry.

Well that started off a slew of text messages between him and I.  I have little sympathy for a 15 year old boy that is mouthing off to his mother and getting extremely angry.  But I am trying to talk to him in such a way as he will receive what I am saying without just blowing me off and then not really getting any good input from anyone.  An hour of that since this started and I am done with it.  I can't spend my entire day dealing with these boys, at least not from here.  There, different story.

Anyway, back to other story, I sent the message - to the 17 year old - and then he asked if he could read it and think about it and then get back to me tomorrow afternoon after work - which is today.  Of course!  So that's where that sits.

As for her, she admittedly has no clue how to deal with teenage boys. Teenage girls, yes, boys, she says she just doesn't know how to deal with them.  Then the ex and the things he tells those kids.......gag.

Well, enough. I am not getting anything done and it's already 10 am!

Off to the races!

ben

It's not that I forget to write in my blog.  Not at all. But an entire week has passed since my last entry.  I have been so caught up in talking with Valerie and almost all of her boys - they need help in a desperate way - that I just don't find the time to finish a normal blog entry for me.  I have several started in drafts for this week which were never finished.

But those boys - they need so much help in such a big way.  They are hurting, they are in pain, they don't know how to deal with it.  The 17 year old, who has been totally set against me all this time, not wanting anything to do with me - shocked me earlier this week.  I got online in the morning for work as I normally do, got on Facebook and saw a message waiting to be read.  It was him, asking me some questions about his mom and the way she is treating him.

It's late - for me - almost 11 - so I'm going to bypass a lot of stuff.  We started talking a lot on FB messages - he revealed a lot of things about himself that doesn't go to anyone else - mostly because he doesn't have anyone else but his girlfriend to talk to.  So anyway, I went to church tonight and as usual, started worshiping and praising the Lord, praying and seeking God and His presence.  It didn't take long and the Lord started speaking to me about this kid who in the eyes of the law will be an adult in just a few months.

Oh I hate to bypass so much stuff.  I think I will write this out tomorrow instead. I am exhausted and everything that happened to night just took it out of me - though I am not complaining at all.

Whatever the case, work week is over, it's late Friday night and yes, I am going to bed.

ben

Small world.  Went to Applebee's - there's a very cool bartender named Monica there that I have gotten to know over time.  No, this is NOTHING like THAT.  Just friends, really!  We have talked about everything under the sun, including love life and yes, she is married so if that doesn't put your doubts to rest, then nothing will.  So anyway, I go traipsing in there at opening time this morning, she's standing there looking at me in shock.  "I was just thinking about you earlier this morning, wondering what happened to you and if you had gotten married yet?" I said no, but if things go the way I'd like to see it, I'll be getting married this summer.  She was like, ohhh, wow, okay, I thought you had already done that.

I can have friends that are girls and just be cool with them.  So she started saying something about this dude that came down here from Colorado and needed a place to live, she thought of me and renting out rooms.  Oh really?  What was his name? i asked.  Patrick. Patrick? From Colorado? Drives a Mercedes?  Came down here to play golf?  Recently lost his job?  She gives me this odd look, why yes!  Well, he already IS living with me!  We're just looking at each other like, really? I don't go there too often, it's a bit expensive, well not really that expensive for one person, I just have other things to do with my money than spend at restaurants too often.  But once in a while is okay.

I all but proposed to her today.  I would have gone there, but IMO proposing over the phone or internet would be pretty lame, lame indeed.  Just gonna have to wait either until she comes this trip or my next trip there, not sure yet which. Of course, finding out the ring size of a person 1,200 miles away from me has turned into an extremely elusive pursuit, attempting to ask her best friend, one of her sons, and contemplating calling her employee at her store.  It is  a gold and silver buying store and they get rings in there all the time, perhaps he knows her ring size.  Perhaps not, but even if not, maybe he'll help me find out.  If that fails then, I dunno what.  Propose without a ring? Yikes.

Ohhh, wait a minute! Her best friend just FB messaged me and told me she will find out! Woohoooo! She even has a pretty good excuse - 2 of her kids are getting engaged soon enough and they are going to need a ring.  No, prolly wouldn't use someone else's in real life, but hopefully it will work to get the size.........

.......was interrupted.  Stopped writing this 8 hours ago.  Too late to finish now, lol.

ben

It's official.  She is coming out on the 5th of February and leaving on the 10th.  I'm taking 2 days off - kinda getting hard to keep taking time off cause' my hours for vacation are dwindling pretty good and we're not even out of the first month of the year yet - but it should be a good time.  She hasn't been on a vacation in a long, long time and the ones she has been on have been with all those kids,  so a respite away from all of that should do her some good.  And should give us a definitive clue as to whether this is going to go on or not.

She wants to either come here or me go there every month, but that's just not possible.  Not for extended stays, not even short time off will cut it as I will not let my vacation hours slip below 40 available.  Gotta have time available for the just-in--case type of scenario.  I have other hours available, but I am saving them for a potential move to Texas.  And goodness gracious, how am I going to do THAT?!! I started going down that road in my mind and cut it off quickly. There is no reason to go there until there is an engagement announcement. Then I will start thinking about that, because honey, that is going to be quite the project!

But, uhhh, wow.  Time to take a step back, take a deep breath and takealookit what I am getting myself into here.  Marriage.  I'm not afraid of marriage per se, but moving to Texas!  1,200 miles away from home!  That's gotta sink in a bit I think.  Yes, I know I say a lot that I hate living in Phoenix, but I have family ties here and at least some people that I call true friends.

Well whatever.  Slowest work week of my life.  Seemingly anyway.  I knew I should have forced myself to get up at or at least near my normal wake up time and I didn't  Sleeping in every single day, staying up late every night - on the vacation that is.  So this week - still paying for it.  If there's a next trip, I'm gonna have to just force myself to get up  no later than 6 am and that's that.  Of course, saying that and doing that can be 2 completely different things, lol.

Thursday's here.

G'day.

ben

Pardon the change in this blog's direction while I continue to write out my feelings and thoughts of what is going on in my life and attempting to ensure within myself that the ultimate end goal for any relationship, at least IMO, is marriage.  To that end my mind has wandered through endless scenarios and thought up every problem that might arise that could put a wedge between us and the idea that these things need to be talked through with her before I make the commitment.

This isn't about having second thoughts, it's about going through all the thoughts and emotions first so there will be no second thoughts if/when I decide to move on with this.  I've already been in a bad marriage, a second is hardly a palatable thought.  There are so many tangibles in this situation with all those kids, her ex, a huge house that has a lot of problems, this that and the other thing.

At least I have spent 2 weeks out there now and have immersed myself in that situation and know what I am getting into.

That's where I'm at with this.

ben

There are some differences that we have that will need to come into alignment.  One thing I am not willing to budge on and that's a clean house.  It doesn't have to be immaculate, but it does need to be presentable. To me, that means if a guest comes over, they look around and think nice clean place, not, gee, what a hell-hole.  Her house is a disaster.  I am not dissing her, but her kids run amok and they literally throw trash on the floor.

I - flatly - informed her that this would have to change.  If that had to happen after my arrival (permanent), then so beit, but those boys and those little girls will be in for a rude awakening.  I don't care how long it takes, I don't care how much  resistance I get, that house is going to get cleaned up and it's going to stay that way.  It is a veritable disaster, though this time around the living room was pretty clean and the kitchen wasn't too bad.  The rest of the place, though, not a happening event. I cannot possibly live in such an environment and I have let her know that several times over.

The other issue that we don't see eye to eye on is how to treat those kids in terms of giving them things.  I did not withhold things from my son when he was growing up.  I gave him things and helped whenever I could.  Yes he had to do chores and all of that but I never told him he could have something and then yank it from him because of whatever he did "wrong".  We made things right and then he got whatever.  I understand issues with money, but this is a mindset she has and it is a very stern mindset.  Should they work around the house? Absolutely.  Should they be deprived of things that, at least for me, are a normal part of growing up? Absolutely not.

The most recent example is her desire to do away with internet in the house.  I did not grow up with the internet but that is because it didn't exist at that time.  Now, it not only exists, just about everyone has it.  It is used for communication, work, socialization, finding out things, some bad things, yes, but it is a relevant part of much of Americana.  She stated she has it on her phone, she is going to pull the plug on the house internet.  I just couldn't disagree with her more on that one.

Another issue was of her 17 year old boy.  He wanted a TV for his PS3.  Instead, she gave him a computer monitor and they bought an adapter for it. Turns out the wrong adapter and they don't much such a thing.  So the boy is all flustered.  Fast forward, he comes home one night while I'm there with a new 23 inch flat screen from Walmart that cost about a hundred bucks. But, he owes her money for phone and car insurance.  She makes them pay for that which I did with my son - but not all the time. There were occasions when I let it slide.  Many of them.  So they get into it and she turns to me, putting me on the spot and asking me what I would do.  I didn't want to make her look bad in front of her boys, because if it were me, I would have already found him a TV on Craigslist LONG before this ever got to the point it did, bought it for him and given it to him.

They have no TV access in the house excepting her room.  She has something called Sky Angel which is apparently going out of business and she is going to have nothing.  I am not a big fan of TV, but I always have it in the house for everyone else.

I can see where the boys are in a pressure cooker and come to explosions frequently. No Wifi/internet, no TV, no "luxuries" afforded to them hardly ever.  I'm a giver.  Especially to my boy, I gave my son things when he was growing up.  I told the 15 year old I would buy him a new motocross helmet, his current one is a piece of junk and now he's going to be on a much larger bike, he needs a good one.  Well, he got tude' with everyone yesterday so she texts me and tells me "don't get him a helmet" because of it.  This is not my first reaction to such things.  My reaction is to find out what's going on with the boy and then discuss how to change it, not automatically tell him well you did this, so you can't have that.  I just don't think like that.  I like solutions.  So I got on texting with the boy and he admitted that he couldn't get the bike started and he was pissed about it, came into the house and took it out on everyone.

He KNEW that bike wouldn't run when he got it, it needs a new carburetor.  So I discussed with him about his attitude and asked him if he could find it within himself to go and just apologize to everyone.  I also told him that regardless, I told him I would get him a helmet, I would get him one, I wouldn't tell him things and then go back on it.  So, next thing I know, both he and she are texting me that he apologized, admitted he had gotten pissy because of the bike and basically took everything back.

To me, that's how you deal with kids.  Give them the tools to figure it out for themselves.  I have been discussing with her about how to make her life easier by not making life so difficult for those boys.  Her approach has not been working and that's what I said to her.  For example, when one of them doesn't finish a chore the way she wants it, try something different.  Gee, that is a great job you did there, but I need to you do this and that and then it will be done versus cranking all over them, never giving them any positive reinforcement and always dumping them with negative stuff.  She got the message, not only from me but her best friend and has started to try and change her attitude towards them.  It will only make  her life that much easier, especially considering how many of them she has.

Yes, there is give and take, I just figure anything like that the might create an obstacle after the knot is tied is better to be discussed before hand and everyone understands where each other is coming from and how are we going to work through it to resolve the issues.  

I am incredibly exhausted today.  I did not sleep well, at all, last night and I paid for it all day today.  I am still extremely tired from the lack of sleep and yes, a bit cranky and irritable.  She wants me to call her and as much as I want to do that, I also don't want to come off foul because of my lack of sleep last night and the cloud that is over me right now.  What to do, lol.

ben

New Year's 2013 Timeline

Day 1. Saturday
Meet her at TYR.  Visit one of her friends - this lady has 10 children.  Interesting housing situation (I am not trying to denigrate or look down on her, but just something you would see in the hills).  Nice visit though short, maybe an hour and we left.  Over to Smash Burger and sit there for quite a while snuggling next to each other, eating good hamburgers and talking about whatever.  Different stops on the way back to her house and then home.  Not quite so shocking to walk into that house this time, I pretty much knew what I was going to see, here and experience from the multitude of kids.  Some of this is fuzzy, a lot happened since I was there and day 1 a long time ago.  No, picked up the 3 little ones at babysitter's before heading to her place.  15 year old was all over it, the others a bit shy still.  9 pm and drove her truck back to her store, set up camp and went to sleep.  No, I am not staying at her house, put aside all appearance of evil and potential accusation.

Day 2. Sunday

  Get up, get out of there, stop for a dozen donuts for the kids and a large cup of coffee for me.  Umm, there is not a fat kid in the house, btw.  They are all VERY skinny.  Weight not a problem in that family coming from her side, she is all of 5 and  half or so feet tall and 110 pounds.  She WAS at 100 pounds until I started encouraging her to start eating more.  It was Sunday so we headed off to church.  Good service though she was struggling.  12 year old lifted his hands in worship, that was encouraging.  14 year old said he did too, but he was on the other side of m'lady so I didn't see it. Back to her house, load up the 15 passenger van - dead battery. Fired right up with jump start, headed out with 7 kids, her and I to her friends house, about a 3-1/2 hour trip.  Kids not used to anyone buying much of anything for them, so I was a shocker to them.  I'm on vacation, I bought lunch, snacks, drinks.  She doesn't know what to think of me sometimes.  She didn't like some of the stuff I do for them at first, but the response is something completely different than what she is used to.  I am not buying the kid's love, just doing what comes naturally to me.  Arrive sometime later after a trip with a lively exchange between her, me and the boys.  2 boys, actually, sitting on the front bench, talking the entire trip, the rest of the kids behind them, some of them talking among themselves, the rest listening to what's going on.

At the house, I meet her friend and husband. Almost 70 acres of farm/ranch with all kinds of animals out in the country.  The man that the kids are so afraid of turns out to be cool.  We hit it right off.  Talked for hours, then headed down to a huge and very hot bonfire their boys and friends had built to have a party down there with all of us. Cooked hot dogs over the fire and shot the s*** for a couple of hours down there.  Back up to the house - it was very cold out there btw - and then sat down and talked with the guy for a couple of more hours and then off to bed.

Day 3 Monday

Woke up late for me, but that was before just about everyone else.  Took my computer out to kitchen, sat down with her and read the news and whispered back and forth for about 2 hours before everyone started stirring.  I like to read the news even if it's mostly just negative stuff, I want to know what's going on in the world.  They all come out almost at once, strange how that happened.  Shot the breeze with him about airplanes since he's a United captain for quite a while, he was showing me how he picks and chooses what he wants to do for an entire month.  We - him and I - went to a neighbor's pond after that. I pulled out a 4-1/2 large mouth bass - pic posted on my FB wall.  Did that for a while and then he said he got a call saying he has to take his daughter's friend home and his daughter to a guitar class.

We drove around that part of Texas for hours.  Had a great time.  Really, I haven't connected with anyone like that in years.  A lot of years.  I haven't really tried to be honest, long story, don't need to go into that for this synopsis of events.  We got back to their place after having a really good time with him, I mean really, I was amazed at how easily we connected with each other and how we could spend an entire day together without getting bored or otherwise clamming up with each other.  But - we are both talkers and we are both rather opinionated and we are both Christians - so that makes it easier.  I suppose that could also make it much more difficult, but fortunately didn't work out that way.  Home, dinner - good country dinner - bed for me early.  My way of doing things, everyone there knew that before I got there, no problems.

Day 4.  Tuesday.

Get up, talk, have some breakfast, get in the van with all those kids, head home.  She doesn't want to hear them yapping so she wants the 2 in the back.  I say no, let's just deal with them instead of banishing them somewhere, better to deal with them than to try and shove it off.  Exactly what happened, too.  In fact, I pretty much got the upper hand on any crankiness in the van with children that stayed up too late and did not get enough sleep.  Quiet - or we will be stopping the van and getting out.  Mom, can we get something to eat?  NO, we will eat when we get home.  Not.  Stopped for fuel, bought them Subway.  She's gonna have to get used to my way of doing things as much as I am going to have to get used to hers, hence the idea of visiting several times first and coming to that understanding both ways.  I intentionally subjected myself to as much as I could with those kids to get an idea of what I am getting myself into.

Get home.  Hang out for a few hours talking with her.  Boys decide that they are going to go with me to the store, one boy per night.  This was NOT my idea and though I did not object to it, I decided that 2 would have to go for the sake of having a "witness".  Not good to set yourself up for a fail. At the same time, the store is loaded with security cameras running and recording 24 hours per day, so not too worried, but still.  I'm sure you get the gist of what I am saying here.  The 15 and 14 year old, of course, decide they are coming the first night.

Day 5. Wednesday. Drawing a complete blank.  I cannot for the life of me remember what we did the day after we got back from the trip to her friend's house.  Been racking my brain about it, maybe it will come to me eventually.  The 17 year old and the 12 year old came to the store with me that night.   It was an opportunity to get to know the 17 year old more.  He un-clammed himself quite a lot and started talking, when the valve was fully open, he was talking for 2 hours without hardly shutting up. Which was cool, I had been trying to figure out how to get around his barriers.

Day 6.  Thursday
Up early, 17 year had to go to work so I had to get him home to get dressed and get in the car and drive. Got back to the house, hung out with m'lady, and then off to the pond.
  12 year old and 14 year old wanted to go, 15 year old said he was sick though he came out anyway and showed me how to operate the tractor.  He then went inside.  I got to concrete pile and then shut it off.  Thing wouldn't start.  I decided the 15 year old was going to help us regardless.  He came back out but he had changed his mind anyway.  We spent the day attempting to build a small dam to increase the water level of the pond that supplies water for the cows.

It was a good day.  Not because we built a dam, but because I got to spend hours and hours interacting with these boys.  I cannot possibly go into all of it.  But the tractor got stuck once, the tractor was almost tipped over 3 times, and almost slid completely into the pond once.  I was making fun and jokes, it isn't really too hard a thing for kids to be around me for extended periods because I always have something to say about everything.  Got back from that, ate dinner, took a shower.  Hung out with the lady for quite a while and then drove back to the store.  This time, the 15 year old boy and the 10 year old went with me.

Day 7. Friday

Up late.  Up and at em.  NOT.  I was exhausted.  I stayed in bed until 11:00 am, a thing unheard of for me.  Got up, got the boys up, went to Denny's for breakfast, got some donuts, went to the house, visited with m'lady and then got out into that cold - 30 degree weather which is my version of cold thank you - and got busy.  This time with the 10, 12, 14 an 15 year olds in tow.  It was fun. It really was.  Just a lot of bantering and back and forth and sarcasm type of stuff. Those boys never know if I'm being serious or joking, lol.

 Back to the house.  I walk in, take off my work boots - shipped some stuff over UPS instead of paying the money for checked baggage and that included an old pair of work boots - walked into the kitchen and then heard this young voice declare loudly: "I love you Ben!".  I turned around to see the 12 year old with this big grin on his face, so I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him too.  Which I can honestly say - pretty easy to love a person in the Lord regardless of what's going on.  Hurting boy. Long story there, just not going into that here.  Dinner, shower then sat down alone with m'lady and watched a movie called The Notebook.  Love story, I'm not really into those that much but this one was good.  Back to the store, this time with 14 and 12 year old.  The 15 year was begging mom to let him go with us, but she said no and I wasn't going to interfere with that.  Pretty much same scenario, hang out with the boys for a while and then go to bed.

Day 7.  Saturday.  Dragged myself out of bed - the air mattress was pretty comfortable btw and that store and sleeping in it saved me $300 in hotel costs so I wasn't complaining - got the boys up, got out of there and went to Starbucks for my free Latte.  M'lady gave me a big Starbucks cup for Christmas which gives you free lattes every day in January.  Taking HUGE advantage of that.  $5 drink for free, can't beat that.  Stopped at the donut shop - as I did every day we were in town - got the boys some thing called - well I don't remember Kapskies or something, hot dogs baked into a bun with cheese (I call them pigs in a blanket, thanks) and a dozen donuts.  We got back and went straight down to the pond.  Water had found it's way through and though the level was MUCH higher still some work to do on it.

But save it for a later day.  I didn't have much time on Saturday to be with everyone so working on the dam was out of the question.  Perhaps a good rain will come and wash a bunch of junk into it and cause it to stop up, otherwise, there are plenty of sand bags down there that I can stack under water where the water is getting through.  Back up to the house and hanging out with the lady and the boys.  I was dreading Saturday because this time, I definitely did not want to leave.  I wouldn't be seeing her or the boys or the little girls  again for quite a while and that was a bit much for me to take.  So, I relished every moment with all of them and spent the time wisely, just being with them and getting as much in as I could.

I sat there on Craigslist with the 15 year and all the rest watching looking up dirt bikes.  Found one.  He has been waiting so long.  My hotspot was the only working internet in the house.  Hers goes in and out of  service though I guess she does have it on her phone.  I meant for the kids, no internet for quite a while now, she is paying for it but it stopped working and her priorities do not, apparently, include internet for her boys.  I will be going into some of the things I don't necessarily agree with in another posting.  She had stated to him the last time I was there that he could get a bigger motocross dirt bike (motorcycle) but then this time she started back-tracking.  What if he gets hurt, I have all these kids, how am I going to get him to the hospital and deal with the kids at the same time?  I have kept quiet on a few issues that I thought probably should wait for a future interaction.  But this wasn't one of them. Hon, you told that boy he could have a dirt bike, h has been looking for one for 2 months now.  If you tell him now that he can't have one, you are going to lose him.  She has been losing these boys for a while.  You are going to drive the nail into the coffin and he will be gone.  You are going to have a very angry and resentful 15 year old boy on your hands.

My thoughts to her apparently had effect, because we found a bike and he was all over it. Mom, can you take me down there to buy it? Pleeeeeaaaassssseeee mom! She said yes!  I let loose a big sigh of relief.  He looked at me, should I buy it?  Dude, she said yes, YES, get it! I never told him and never will that she had decided to not let him get one.  No need to pour gasoline on an already huge bonfire.  So, all of the rest of what went on at the house before I left was that stuff going on.  Bypassing a lot of stuff, we were alone driving to the airport and just recapped the week and talking and got to the airport and that was it.  By the time I got to DFW airport, I was feeling it.  She texted me: Ben, come home. Yeah. That did me in.

Well, that was all of my trip in a shortened version, though Wednesday simply eludes me.

ben

Is this too good to be true?  How does something like this get dropped on my lap?  I have sought it for a long, long time and when it finally came and now in the middle of it, it is like a dream. I look into the dream and wonder if it will vanish, go away, turn to dust, dry up and wither away.  I ponder a life alone without anyone.  I ponder a life with her and with all those kids.  I wonder about giving up my house and all the work I have put into this property.  Years worth.  I look out my windows and see the fruits of that labor.

I think about the serenity of my current existence and come to the conclusion:  it is only an existence.  It is void of all the things that make a person feel loved and living a life to it's fullest.  What is there here? A desert full of heat.  A family full of contention and people that can't stand to be around one another for more than a few hours, a couple of times a year.  I hate to leave my mom behind, but she has money,she can come visit if she wants to.

I don't feel like I"m leaving my son behind because he has found his path and he is walking in it.  I have let him go.  Not gone forever, but in the spirit of a father letting go of his son, to go forth in life, find out about life, walk his own path, hopefully with the Lord and hopefully a good walk.  I can only pray and hope and yes,take some pride in the path that he has chosen.  I will never lose him, I know that and I have peace in that.

I have some trepidation, maybe call it fear.  What if we get married and then it doesn't turn out well?  What if this and that.  What if I can't make that difference in those boy's lives and all continues to go to hell in a handbasket? Yet I have a peace about this. She told me tonight they were all standing in the kitchen, laughing and having fun with the memory of the 2 days we spent at the pond.  Saying there is finally a real man around.

My mind is so full of clashing thoughts right now.  Can this work? Yes it can work! But what if this?  You'll figure it out.  What if that?  You'll get through it.  Over-analyzing, but maybe not so much.  Trying to dig up every fathomable thing that can happen and attempting to walk myself through it in my mind and come to a realistic conclusion.  I am not having second thoughts, I am attempting to grasp all of this in my mind. In my heart. In my soul.  In my spirit man.

Midnight, call it Sunday morning.  Got home an hour and a half ago. Dogs were all over me, then tenants.  I'm tired but winding down from traveling with a bunch of screaming kids making all kinds of noise in the airplane.  And kicking my seat.  And making me want to do things, such as pull off my belt and take care of business.  But I refrained from doing anything and that was that.

Good trip, though, as far as the visit is concerned.  I had 4 boys traipsing along with me to the lower pond on both Thursday and Friday.  I was intent on building the dam and they were intent on helping me - though the idea of driving a pickup and a tractor were certainly part of the allure. Still, they just hung with me for half a day like flies on honey.  I got the message: they want a man around and they need that kind of attention.  I'm not a person to sit around and do nothing and I do have a sense of humor though my kind is hard for people to figure out at first.  Those 2 days were very productive for me, not in building a dam though I got that 80% finished, but in terms of figuring out whether this is going to work or not.

For me, it isn't just about the Lady, it's about the entire family. I can love her to death but if her kids hate me, then what?  Not a workable situation.  2 days ago, the 12 year old blurted out in front of everyone and much to my surprise: I love you Ben.  He said it again a couple of hours later and then a couple of times since then. Then, the 14 year old - serious issues but the right kind of input would fix it I think - said the same thing.  The 15 year has been saying that since the night those kids found out about m'lady and I.  The 17 year old opened up quite a bit, much more than expected.  Several times, too, not just one occasion.

That was really all I needed.  I can go into more about all of this later, but this is the jist of it with those boys.  She is coming out here in February, no kids, time spent alone, it will be, for me, the final thing I need to make a definitive decision.  If that trip for her to here turns out well, then it is a done deal for me.  Let's do this.  I will propose to her and if she accepts, a entirely new book, not a new chapter.  I don't need new chapters in an old book, I need a fresh book started at page 1.

Enough. I am exhausted.

Happy New Year's!
10 am and I'm just getting out of bed.  In Texas of course, stayed up until midnight, then headed out from the lady's house and over to her store to sleep, 2 teenage boys in tow with me.  They wanted to come with for whatever reason so the lady let them and I hung out with them for a while and then headed off to my air mattress bed to get some shuteye at 2 am.  I think the last time I went to bed that late was at least 3 years ago when I was at the casino and was determined to stay there until I got my money back, which I did and then quite some more than that.

Well anyway, I arrived in Tyler at the appointed time on Saturday, she was waiting.  We headed off to one of her friend's house and visited with her for a while, went over to Smashburger and had some delicious burgers and hung out together and then back to the farm/her house.  The next morning, we loaded up the 15 passenger van and headed off to her best friend's house, about a 3-1/2 hour trip.  Met her friend and her friend's husband, hit it right off with him.  Spent the next 2 days hanging out with him, shooting the breeze and it turns out this guy is an airline pilot with United Airlines a captain no less so there was plenty to talk about, lol.  I love flying and planes. Not that knowledgeable about them but I love to talk about them.

Awesome people with a HUGE expanse of land filled with every imaginable kind of animal.  Second day there we went fishing and I caught a 4-1/2 pound bass shortly after we got there : )  Then, he said he had to head off all over the place, taking his daughter somewhere and taking his daughter's friend home, so I said yea, what the hey.  Spent all day with this dude but it was fun.  Nothing like meeting a complete stranger and hitting off so well you'd think we had been best friends for life.

Back home the next day,  pretty much hung out.  Got into another conversation with 2 of the older boys after mom told them in 6 months if it doesn't straighten out, they are goners.  I then took over the conversation and let'em have it.  In a nice and firm way, yes, but still.  The 15 year started tearing up and defending the previous week's actions: I have been doing a lot better!  Yes, you have, but there's still a long way to go.  He had apparenltly "forgotten" about the previous week's threat from mom - get rid of the tudes and anger or get out.  Well, he hadn't forgotten, that's why he spent the last week trying to do things right.  The other one I grilled pretty good, cause' he's the biggest problem child.  He didn't want to hear it and I didn't care, he finally started responding though.

After that, midnight hit, wished my lady a happy New Year, drug those 2 boys with me and they  played video games for a couple of hours.  I decided not to get into it with them again, you can't unload on teenagers all the time and not give them some happy time as well or they will simply not respond to you and you will lose them.  But I do intend on picking up this situation with their attitudes and how they treat their mother again and also telling them directly that if I marry her, and if you two are still around, you can expect that I am going to be ALL up in your business, as the current generation likes to say it, and I will not be relenting.

That's it up until this morning.  It's 11 am Wednesday, I just got out of bed half an hour ago, gonna take these 2 to Denny's for some breakfast and then head back to the farm.  Just an update of things going on.  The boys are all asking when am I going to marry their mom.  I just say when God releases it.  That's what I am waiting on and that's what it's going to be.  But I need more time with her and her boys. I must know that this is going to work.  And she needs to know that I refuse to live in a house that doesn't have peace.  Yes, there can be squabbles that's all well and fine, here and there, but on a daily basis with belligerent teenagers mouthing off and dropping f bombs and destroying things and all the rest of it?

NOT.  And that's where I am going with these problem children.  They obviously like me, like hanging out with me and being around me, that's cool, but I am not going to be their best friend if I marry their  mom and they need to know that.  I can be friends with them up to the point that it doesn't interfere with authority over them to tell them what to do, when to do it and get with it, shut your mouth, drop the attitude and let's get on with life.

Enough.

Happy New Year's to everyone again!

G'day.

ben

Sitting for what seems like an eternity at Dallas/FT Worth airport.  It's been a long long time since I've been here and I didn't remember how large this place was, it's huge!  An over  3 hour wait, gag.  Then a short flight over to Tyler and then meet up with the lady.  I'm trying to wake myself up, got up at 3 am and then fell asleep for a little while in a very uncomfortable chair only to wake up and find people staring at me.  Saved money on baggage check in by - not checking any in!

Lol.  Justtrying to figure how the next trip out will go in using Spirit airlines instsead of these higher priced ones and trying to figure out how to get from the airport to the grey hound station.  But I'm lacking motivation!  Guess I'll just have to figure it out next time!

I'm not sure about this trip though.  I gotta figure all of this out and I don't know if I am going to get the opportunity to do that.  It's not that I don't want to spend time with her, definitely do and most of it, but there has to be some time figure this situation out with the boys and whether my involvement in their lives is going to be accepted or not.  I can only do that by spending some time with them.  Hard to make a defnitive decision about this without being able to do that.

Going to church tomorrow and then straight down to whatever the name of the town is where her best friend lives and also has a slew of children.  They want to meet me but also would be good for her to visit with her friend, I don't think they've seen each other in a while.

Well sitting here writing an entry with people staring at me is a bit unnerving, have to pick this up later.

G'day.

ben

A rather extraordinary thing occurred yesterday.
At least from my perspective was.
I was talking with my lady and she was talking about how they are trying to get a computer monitor to work for the oldest boy (that is still at home anyway, there is one older one than him) so he can have his PS3 in his bedroom instead of locked up in mom's room.

Well, me being the shy person that I am, I interrupted him on a FB message and started talking to him about it.  I know a wee bit about video gaming myself.  Well this conversation exploded and was the first real conversation I have had with this kid.  He has been talking to his mother like she is a piece of dirt, he frequently drops f bombs on her as well. So I kinda had to put that aside in my mind and just attempt to talk to him as if I didn't know that, cause' otherwise, that conversation would have gone downhill quickly.

This conversation went on and off for 6 hours!  It went on so long that I completely lost track of time in talking with him, his mother, the 12 year old and the 15 year old.  3 different FB messages plus text messaging on the phone!  I can't do that today, lol, I have plenty to do after work in getting ready for leaving tomorrow morning for the second plane trip! Can't wait!  First trip I was a bit nervous because it had been so long since I had been on a plane and I had gotten seasick at San Diego this summer, but nothing of the sort happened and the flights were very cool and it helped that on every single flight, I had small, petite women sitting next to me! Versus big people with their skin hanging over, lol.

I am encouraged the more I talk to these boys.  They really just need some male adult interaction, good interaction, not the kind their dad has been spewing out to them. Though apparently he is every so slowly coming around.  I still think it was totally lame for him to take those kids on Christmas and not give them a single gift.  But, he's lost several of them already who don't like going over there and now they are getting some attention that doesn't include getting angry, dropping f bombs and throwing tantrums.  Not only that, but I broke in on the 15 year old when they were all over there and asked him to ask his dad how to start the van, the  security system was stoppinng it.

Well have to pick this up later, taking a tenant to the airport and yes, it's EARLY!  4:30 am!

G'day.
ben

All's well that ends well.
The lady got all the presents together, wrapped them, put them under the tree and waited for them to get back from dad's.
I haven't actually talked to her yet since then cause' she was too busy with them and presents.  But here's a few pics she sent :)

4 out of 9 of them, anyway.  But a pic of the oldest will never be posted on this blog unless he relents and changes his mindset towards his mom.  Oh, those are the gifts I sent them in those particular pics, there are mmore pics just figured to post a few.  Will be there in 2 days.  Spend the first day with her, then Sunday go to church and then head to her friend's place, kids in tow, which is like 150 miles away.  I have to have her friend's stamp of approval before anything else can happen, lol.

But in reality, I have been talking with her friend for a while now on FB messaging system and apparently I already have the stamp of approval, they just want to meet me and have some fun. Unlike her ex, I like to laugh and not just sit there stone faced all the time.

Meanwhile.  Morning after Christmas. Going to work. Gag.  Susan just came out and declared that "this going to work business the day after Christmas is for the birds".  I completely agree and then she announced that next year is the same thing! Noooooooo!  Two years in a row? No way!!

That's it. 2 days until I depart for round 2 of Texas. Probably start making some decisions internally about whether this is going to end up a permanent deal or what.  I think this particular trip will be telling for both of us as to whether this is a good fit - or not.

G'day.

ben

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to everyone!

One of my favorite days of the year.  Give and get presents, feast with family (sometimes that works out, sometimes it doesn't end so well, lol), and just have a good time in the Lord.  At least for me.  I was  a little saddened that my lady's kids got nothing from their dad this morning :(  I don't know what it is about that guy.  He's got all 9 of them over there, the oldest is home from the Navy all the way down to the 6 year old girl and he had absolutely nothing for them.  No, it's not a money issue, he makes like a hundred grand per year, this is just how he treats his kids and then invents ways to blame it on her!

I texted the 15 year old this morning and he was clearly not in a good mood because of it.  When I told mom, she freaked out.  Well, she pretty much blew up.  That guy told the kids some story and that he would get them presents in a few days?!!!

Whatever.  We came to the conclusion that they would get the presents I sent for them today (versus waiting until I get there) and her presents and then her mom sent presents as well. They are coming home tonight so they will have a nice surprise waiting for them.

Whatever the case, Mark and Lynnette gave me some presents that blew my mind! A gold necklace, a new shower combo head set for my bathroom and a Subway gift card! Coooooool that!  And then more to come later on today at bro's house.  Very nice :)

Ummm, nothing much more cause' I'm about to call my lady and talk with her a few hours and then off to my brother's house.  So, wishing everyone a very merry Christmas and hope yours is a good one!

ben

Well here we are the Night Before Christmas. Okay, the day before the night before Christmas, lol.
Last night not so much fun.
She is in depression, she doesn't want to take meds for it at least temporarily to bring her out of it and says she will come out of it on her on.
Possibly, but when?  How long will that take? If I had known when I was going through depression after divorce that there was something out there that would make me feel a lot better, I would have taken it.  Not the rest of my life but until I figured out how to deal with all the junk going on inside of me and get past it and get some help from the church.

I can deal with kids that are rebellious and down and all of that, a little harder to sit here and say that I can deal with a person that is in depression and will be in such a state of mind for X period of time. She threw out some words last night that set me back: I don't care.  She was plainly speaking about our relationship and telling me out of the blue that she doesn't care whether I stay in it or not, that she has been getting rejected all of her life and if I do the same thing, it will hurt but will be nothing new.

??? Those words stung pretty good.  She ended up apologizing for it, I was ready to say goodbye to her.  I'm just a dude, I have feelings, they can be hurt as much as the next person.

Well whatever.  I'll be out there 4 days from now and I suspect some serious talk about this situation is going to ensue, I'll bring it up if she doesn't.   I can try to support her and help her in her current situation, but with depression, she is going to have to find her own way out of it, been, there done that bought the farm.  People can only say so much, at some point you just have to determine that living like that sucks, frankly, and then you just start pulling yourself up, with help from God at least for me, and get yourself out of that funk.

Well, that will occupy my mind and time for the next few days as I ponder where this is all going.  I knew time would bring out things in both of us and how we deal with them and if we can deal with them together is what will determine whether this is something that can work forever - or not.

Christmas at my middle brother's tomorrow.  I had all my gifts bought until they threw out a statement that so and so and so and so else were going to be there. Great. Nothing like giving a person time to get something, anything, to show up with for everyone there.  Gift cards and that's that.

Work today: as expected, nothing going on, manager not coming in, sit here and be bored all day.  Or not, lol, I'll figure out something!

G'day.

ben

Less than a week away from departure to Texas.
Meanwhile, major blow up last night. MAJOR blowup.
The 14 and the 15 year old giving their mom hell, to be frank about it.
To the point of cussing, fighting, throwing things, etc etc etc.
I can't to into all of it, WWW and all, but she ended up in her room, crying and sobbing hysterically.
The 15 year contacts me freaking out and wanting sympathy.
Are you kidding?
I gave him none.  Told him like it is and that was that.  His panicking started when she told him and his 14 year old brother that they have one week.  ONE week. Attitudes don't change, they are history, sending them to either dad's - who doesn't want them - or send them into the "system".  State custody in other words.  I talked to that boy for 2 hours on facebook messaging system. I talked to mom until she calmed down and could stop crying.  And then I told her his panic and flipping out - which was not designed to get mom's sympathy, only to tell her that whatever had happened with her over there with the sobbing and telling them she's done with them - might have actually had done some good.

The boy is telling me he's going to bed so I'm telling her that cause she's locked away in her room. By that point I had her in a much different mood, she was big enough to get up and go hug the kid, kiss him on the cheek and then tell him they would talk in the morning.

Soo who knows, the boy had a come-to-Jesus moment and told me how he was going to change and just totally panicking. I ministered the Lord to him for a couple of hours and then waited to see what was going to happen today.
________________________
Long interlude.  Now Monday morning.
Yesterday. The boy contacts me again.  I am sort of letting him go to his own devices for the time being, but if he contacts me I will talk to him.  Says he's doing great!  Yes, it turns out, he did more than just his regular chores, he had a great attitude about it and he was the only kid in the house that would actually do anything yesterday.  So I said good, proud of ya, but it's only one day.  Not to be a wet blanket but his attitude has basically sucked for quite a while now, getting far worse in the last month or so. I tried to be encouraging while at the same time being realistic.  I used to minister to teenagers long ago, I had lost some of my touch and connection in talking with them but that's all coming back now.

The point of saying all of this: I love that lady and I want to marry her - but I have to first make sure we are a good fit with each other and only repeated visits will tell that.  We talk on facebook or the phone all the time.  But that isn't the same as being together.  But secondly, yes I know what I am walking into with these boys and the oldest daughter - though she doesn't live there any more she still starts a lot of trouble and just shows nothing but hate towards her mom - but I have to know how and if I can fit in there and if I will be accepted by those kids.  Cause' if I ain't, pardon the poor English but not really, this ain't gonna work.  I can't walk into hell with a bunch of kids that totally disrespect their mom and worse than that and expect that I can just "live" with it.  Kids can be changed, but only if they are open to it.  You can force stuff on them, but that can pretty much lead to resentment and bitterness, which means a house full of hate.

I don't need or want that.  If the 15 year old continues on this new path,  that's a big stride towards improvement. The 14 year old is the other hellion, maybe worse than the 15 year old.  But I can't talk to him on FB because he has an "addiction" problem - bad - and he isn't allowed on the internet at all because of it. I would definitely try talking to him though, he's asked for help and she has tried to find someone to minster to him from within the church, looking for a man to do it since that's what he really needs, but I guess people taking on that kind of thing just doesn't apparently hit anyone's fancies in the Christian church today.

I understand it's someone else's kid, but there must be someone over there that the Lord can get a hold of their heart and impress on them to take that kid up as a mission field in itself and work with him.  She's been searching a long time now.  Their youth pastor is trying to help, but he's being pulled a thousand different ways, it's a pretty big youth ministry, that church built an entire separate building to accommodate for all of those kids.

It's not really a dilemma for me, those kids, I just want to know that they are going to be able to accept my authority in the house.  Because I will not back down to teenagers and especially rebellious ones that think they can do or say anything they please to their own parents without possibility of any consequences.

Monday morning. Well, 2 days of work, though tomorrow is a half day with the other hours paid by the company, Wednesday/Christmas off, back to work Thursday and Friday and then off to Texas, flight leaving 6am Saturday.  Just odd work week to have to go to work 2 days, get off the middle of the week and then back to work. My preference is a 3 day weekend end.  But that's just my preference, lol, I'll take a free day off whenever!  Regardless, there is plenty to do this morning at work and one huge delivery so that helps me a lot, especially early Monday morning and it's still dark out and you are wondering why you aren't in bed sleeping instead of at work - working!

G'day.

ben

There is one thing about this whole situation that has totally enamored me: all the attention.
I haven't had this kind of loving, focused attention in a long, long time.  I have been living my life alone for all intents and purposes. Surrounded by people, yes, but any kind of real relationship with anyone?  Just my son, the father-son kind and that IS something that I cherish and relish.  But that boy is on his own now.  Even if he comes back for a while, it won't be permanent and then he will be gone again.

And the attention isn't just from her, either, although if it was it would definitely be more than enough!  Her kids always telling her to tell me hi; getting on the phone with me and sending me all kinds of things through FB messages.

At the same time, her kids are a total disaster.  I am not saying that in a dissing or otherwise spiteful type of way, it is what it is.  They mess with her.  They get all up in her face and give her all kinds of hell.  They don't listen to her.  She asks them to do something and some of them will actually just walk away from her, telling her no!  God have mercy on my child if he were to EVER do that when he was growing up.  I was having an FB conversation with her best friend today, a real friend that has stuck through it with her, but at the same time, my lady has stuck through it with her friend through some pretty bad stuff as well.  Amazing that some of the best friendships are formed out of the most hellish and chaotic of circumstances, but I can attest to that myself.

Her friend had totally written the older boys off, proclaiming that she doesn't know how my lady has even survived this long. She flat out told me today that if those were her kids, she would be in prison now for assault and battery of her own kids, cause there is NO way on earth that she could have taken the amount of s*** that my lady has put up with.  I've just kept saying no, they may be bad, it may look hopeless, but that is not my take on it.  She finally came around today and said okay, there is hope for them, but something would have to drastically change because if it goes the way it is now, it's only going to get worse.

Totally agreed with her on that point.  I also said that my first reaction when I hear the stuff they say and do to her, I would just want to haul off and stuck a boot up their ass and make them feel reeeeaaaaalll good about what they had just said or done.  But I know that isn't the answer, they are in the same hell she is and they need something to grasp onto and get a hold of that will change their lives.  It isn't me, either, it's definitely God they need but as her friend said today: they need a real man around that place and she went further to say that her ex is NOT a man by any stretch of the imagination and going on to say even worse things.

She has seen it for 15 years, she knows the guy well enough.  It would be good for the man to get some counseling, he has already and finally admitted he is responsible for destroying that family. He rejects his own offspring to the point of telling the oldest boy still living at home that they - the kids - were the reason the divorce happened.  What kind of sick mind does it take to tell your own kid that divorcing his mom was the kid's fault?  But I flat out told her I have hope for them.  With the right kind of attention and influence, they can still be saved.

And she can't leave overnight.  I mean, like in the hands of the older boys.  Not even a happening event.  That house would come down, so to speak, by the time she got back. Blame the ex only? No.  Blame them both.  I don't believe she should be let off the hook, either, and her best friend certainly does not.  Let her off the hook, that is. She tells her like it is and that's a good thing. Her friend has 8 children, so it's not like she doesn't know what it's like to have a bunch of kids around.

Well that's enough. Pretty much what my little world has been revolving around for a while now.

ben

I dunno, but it's a roller coaster ride, I'll tell you that.
I got a bunch of kids now wanting to talk to me on Facebook - her kids - every day now.
I'm serious, I'll have FB messages popping up from any of 4 different phones.
12, 14, 15 and 17 year olds.  Oh, and the oldest girl even said hello a few days ago.
And at least 2 of them get into such serious conversations, you'd think you were talking to another adult going through a hellish time in their life or something.  Especially the 12 and the 15 year olds.

I don't really mind it, but some of these conversations are very draining attempting to discuss with a kid things in life that their father didn't care to discuss with them about. And no, we aren't going into sexual things, I draw the line there cause' they aren't my kids and doesn't feel right.  Well, in listening to her, their father doesn't really like to talk to much of anyone about much of anything, but if he really does have Asperger's syndrome, that would explain why.

Anyway, short little more time and I'm back off to Texas for another week. That will be the last of week long stays as my vacation hours are going to be down there, probably around 50 or 60 left after this next trip.  I am not going to use up all of my vacation hours early in the year.  I will - Lord willing and this relationship continues to grow - be making trips out there but not full weeks off from work.  Maybe 2 days off and include 2 weekend days and come back on a Sunday afternoon, get home late go to bed and get up for work type of situation, that's the best I will be able to do, much to her chagrin, she wants me out there much more frequently and that just doesn't work out either financially or with my vacation hours that are available.

That's my world, at least for now, that and time to be off to work!

G'day

ben

Monday morning.
2 Christmas parties this weekend, one with Church and one at the GM's of our company's regional area.  Both were good, though the one at the GM's pretty much had a bunch of drunk people that were somewhat out of control by the time dark came around and it started getting a bit later. Which isn't shocking or surprising, just that at a certain point, I had enough and went home, maybe around 9 pm or something.

My hunting buddy got a line on a deer - 8 pointer - and let loose an arrow which killed it dead.  His brother, who was set up at another location also bagged one.  Funny thing is, no-one else hunting in the area got anything - but that's simply because those people weren't even getting out of their vehicles.  I dunno how you hunt from a vehicle, I guess hope that one darts across the road.  It's not exactly legal, I can tell ya that but there wasn't a sign of Forest Rangers up there the 2 times I went up.  I'm sorta hoping I will get a deer steak out of his kill, but who knows.

So he's done with his hunt unless he can get another tag, I dunno how many bucks they want taken out of that area, gotta leave some around to mate with the does!

That was my weekend along with dealing with a person that has teenage boys who are at the verge of being totally out of control, especially the 14 year old of which I am assuming at some point she is going to have to call the police on to deal with.  He's already starting junk with her this morning about going to school.  She is going to have no choice but to dump him into the system.  Ex won't deal with him, never has which is how the kid got the point he is at in the first place and she is way smaller than this kid.  I dunno, I'm not there to help her with him and the rest of it, my hands are tied.

I could go into all of it but it would take forever a day and a half and it's Monday morning and I certainly do not feel like doing all of that right now.  Her 12 year old got on Facebook and then posted a message on my wall saying the names of the 2 older boys and how they were in a bad fight and to pray.  On my Facebook wall?!! I removed it and she had to explain to him why that was inappropriate.

Well anyway, another lovely work week and time to get cranking.

G'day.

ben

Well.  A temporary tenant in Caleb's room. This one paying cash up front for two months.  JUST in time for Christmas, really the only reason I wanted to put someone in there.  Not needy, either, has a jet black Mercedes sitting out front, came in with a lot of high dollar clothing.  Was looking for a place to stay for a couple of months to - golf.  Whatever turns him on!  Cool, too, not a jerkoff, at least so far.  My son's room is relatively small at 11X12 in dimension, at least compared to the other rooms in the house.  My house is nothing fancy and isn't worth a million dollars so no clue why he would want to stay here.  Don't care, either, as long as it isn't for ill will.  But, a LOT of people migrate here in the winters for golfing.  That's it. There are hundreds of golf courses in the Phoenix metro area and yes, we have winter grass - rye grass is what it's called - it is much easier to grow, actually than the summer version and looks much better.  It will only grow during the winter months and the summer grass dies out.  They simply seed use a machine to take most of the summer grass out down to almost the dirt and then seed the rye grass right over top of it.

Golf is big business here in the winter.  Just a bit curious though if that person is loaded with money why he wouldn't just stay at a resort or a fancy hotel.  Though, I can tell you that after a while, living in hotels isn't all that much fun.  Been there and done that.  Time will eventually tell - or not.  Who knows.  I just tend to keep my eye on new people here.  This guy's in his 30's.  The other new tenant - of which I have no clue how long he's staying here - is melding in with the crowd here as well. So, so far anyway, cool tenants.

So, anyway, the cash infusion was good.  Going on my trip to Texas, I wanted to have some extra spending money.  My Christmas shopping is all but done at this point, that wasn't really the issue.  I bought 8 out of 9 kids over there a Christmas gift, already sent and most of them already received.  The 18 year old girl, whose relationship with her mother is not good at this point in time, asked yesterday to my lady if I were going to get her a present as well.  Undoubtedly the 15 year old told her about the gifts, lol.

Whatever.  It's Friday, faced with either going up to the mountains or going to 2 Christmas parties, one tonight and one tomorrow after noon, Church and company party respectively.  I was really leaning towards going up to the mountains but I am now really thinking the Christmas parties will be much more fun and congregating around people.  In fact now that I think about it, definitely going to the church Christmas party, undecided on driving 50 miles one way to go to the company Christmas party, figure that one out tomorrow.
Enough for this entry, cause' it's time to go to work!

G'day.

ben

For Fin, the answer is: NO, the firewood situation has NOT improved! There are almost 4 cords of wood outside her house, maybe - ummm - 75 feet from the door to bring it in.  Some of those kids have literally flat out refused to either bring in wood or kindling to make a fire. It REALLY irritates me.  She goes and busts her @$$ all day long so those kids can have a place to live, food to eat and all the rest of it and I'm telling you, sometimes they treat her like nothing more than a pile of dog s*** on the floor.  Disgusting, abhorrent and unacceptable behavior.  Edited: I talked to one of them on the phone and insisted he bring in enough wood to last for a week. He actually did it!

Whatever, hope that answers your question on Facebook.  As for last night, I had this horrific dream.  Seemed like it went on for hours.  I was at work on the forklift.  I was lifting up a small Cessna (yes, an aircraft) way up high on the forks for whatever, unknown reason, would get off of the forklift, walk away from it and then the whole thing would fall over, destroying the airplane.  Time passed and I did it again and again and finally something like 5 or 6 times. I knew my "method" of doing whatever I was doing was wrong yet I continued to make the same mistake, over and over.  After the last time, the crash caught the plane on fire and then I was running to get a fire extinguisher when a face out of the past - a person I sincerely do NOT like - showed up.  I cussed him out, he backed down and then I ran with the fire extinguisher to the plane to put the fire out.  Then all these people were telling me it would be alright and all this stuff designed to encourage m and lift my spirits.  But I knew I was going to lose my job over it so I just decided that I was....

....oh hey, wait a minute, this Texas stuff is even pervading my dreams!  I was going to move to Texas!  Strange dream, though.  Really strange dream. I dunno why I get some of that stuff going here and there but when you wake up out of it, surreal.

Well, work is slooooow. There wasn't a single delivery or pickup to do yesterday.  Spent the day sitting around doing nothing until a truck came and dumped off a bunch of material.  Went through that and then back to nothing.  But I kept my mind occupied doing stuff online and thinking about the possibility of moving to Texas, that thought seems to creep into my mind a lot lately. Hard to ignore.

She has been going to counseling sessions which have been helping her immensely in how to deal with ex, family and kids.  Long ways to go but definitely some serious signs of improvement.  Meanwhile, the 15 year and I continue to talk on FB messages.  I'm not soft on him, either, cause' I don't like the way he treats his mother so I pretty much give it to him.  I throw other stuff in there as fluff, I guess, but it's kinda strange that he keeps coming back for more.  I literally tell him about himself, then tell him about the Lord and then send Bible scriptures to him.  Not exactly what one would think a 15 year old would want to be hearing repeatedly, over and over, but whatever, that's what I'm dishing out.  If I were THERE, this whole situation would change in a heartbeat.  I have no tolerance for mouthy kids that don't listen to their parents.  I just don't.  How I go about changing it would depend on their attitude towards me.

Well whatever.  Wednesday morning.  Went through yesterday a LOT of sites looking for cheap airfare - if she wants me to come out more frequently, then I have to find a LOT cheaper method of getting there.  I did find Spirit airlines going to Dallas for $127 round trip - that's pretty cheap folks - but the charge $30 for carry on or checked baggage, each way!  But again, I can send a UPS package in advance for $10.  Then round trip on Greyhound to the city she lives in for $54.  The only extra ordeal is getting from the airport to the bus station but there is apparently a city bus that runs between the two.  That's cheap, the whole trip, just saying.  I have been looking for airfare to the city next to hers - way too expensive for whatever reason to fly directly to her town - it's $337 for the cheapest fare i can find and that is not doable on a frequent basis.

It won't take a lot more trips for me to make up my mind and for her to make up hers.  She may have already made up her mind, I dunno.  I'm a bit more patient.  If God ain't in it, I want nothing to do with it.  I don't want another bad marriage, that's for sure.

Well, time to be off to work.

G'day.

ben

Just a quick note since it's early Monday morning, haven't written in days - well I have but I keep getting stopped in the middle of it - and it is cold outside!
High of 56 today!

Went up to the mountains again on Friday, we did some hiking about 3-1/2 hours worth - found the areas where we had been last time and the corn was all gone that was laid out.  The camera apparently was at a bad angle that we had strapped to a tree and didn't catch anything - the view of deer not in the pics.
We found a new spot, though, where deer obviously are hanging out quite a lot and that is where we decided to go ahead and mount the camera.

Archery hunting season starts on Friday, he is going up on Thursday afternoon.  I may go up on Friday and stay through Saturday and then leave.  I haven't decided yet.

Less than three weeks and another trip to Texas.  She is wanting me to come no less than once every 4 weeks.  That is a big money issue though and not one I can necessarily afford.  I have plans to try and locate a shipping container - the large metal ones - and convert it into a rental unit this coming year and that is going to cost some money to do. I need more income and that would do the trick nicely.

Well whatever.  Time is almost up.  Don't remember if there was anything in the system to do at work today, will just find out when I get there, but hopefully there is.

G'day.

ben

George - basically informing me he's moving out.  Exactly when, not known but guessing not too far in the future here.  I"ll be sad to see him go cause' he always pays his rent on time and we have mostly gotten along for the extended time he's been staying here.  His dad is apparently going to buy a house, George is going to move into it and make the monthly payments.  It's kinda hard to find people that will stay a while - that are normal people.  Not impossible but sometimes you gotta go through a few to get one like that.  Oh well, cross that bridge when it comes. The newest tenant is hardly ever here, wouldn't know he's here when he is, and pays me via email through the bank.  I have no idea how long he intends on staying, very quiet, stays to himself, doesn't much care to talk to any of us.  Which is okay, I can deal with that.

The lady and I went through a bit of a rough day yesterday....make that day before now, I started this entry and got busy with all kinds of other things.  One, the kid tenant who refuses to leave.  He has 7 more days. He hasn't actually been here at all in the last month or so, he obviously has some place to stay, so why he is dragging this out, I dunno.  But I am posting an abandonment notice on his door as well so I can have 2 justifiable means for packing up his stuff, putting it into a couple of boxes, changing the lock on the door and washing my hands of it.

Well I'm just going to have to finish this whenever, I don't have time this morning!

Time to be off to work!

G'day,

ben

Scored a 60" Vizio for my mom on Thursday's version of Black Friday at Walmart.  No need to body slam people, either, lol, police and security HIGHLY visible and present everywhere in that store, which was a very good thing.  I got there half an  hour before the 6pm sale started, got a wristband, got escorted to near front of line  - 10 back from front - was out of there and home at 6:22 pm!

I still gotta take the thing over there, though, which I am half contemplating doing today.  But only half.  I am woooooorn out from Friday's expedition up in the mountains.  It was crazy fun.  Up and down steep ravines looking for signs of deer crossings.  Poop and tracks to be exact.  He was specifically looking for places where trails cross and the more trails crossing each other the better.  We found 3 very good spots, 4-1/2 hours of hiking to do it and yes, my legs were toast after all of that.  We went 4 wheeling in his Jeep after that and then back to camp, had some dinner, sat around and talked for a few hours.  Sleep - in tent but I had my thermals on - up in the morning, a little breakfast and then headed home.  Going back next weekend with him to check the places where we went on Friday - he set up a camera at one of them.  Motion activated.  He's looking for a big buck and wants to be at the place where he will find one.

So, got home yesterday and nothing.  I hadn't been hiking that long in that kind of terrain in that steep of hiking conditions in a long, long time.

_______________________

Long interlude, Monday morning.  I ended up cleaning out both pond filters yesterday plus other stuff plus talking to the lady to the point that I ran out of time to finish this one.   I never did get to my mom's, but I didn't necessarily expect to anyway.  She's good with getting it whenever I get it out there, she's happy to have saved $300 plus on a very nice and large TV.

And got to ride and go 4-wheeling in a Jeep while up there!  That was my first time ever riding in a Jeep.  I don't recall as a kid going with anyone so it's gotta be.  We went camping as kids and all that - lots of camping in fact - but we didn't have anything that even faintly resembled a 4 wheel drive vehicle.  JP - the name of the dude I was with - took that thing up this "road" and was going at it.  Pics posted on FB, maybe post some here later on today or whenever I can get to it.  It was fun though!

We're going back Saturday for a day trip.  He wants to check his camera - motion activated thing that will snap pics of any deer down there that might be walking by and yes, there was fresh bear droppings too - and see what's up. He texted me last night and told me he's bringing a backpack for me cause he wants to drop some corn down there.  Well whatever works.

As for me, it's about time to get going to work. My legs? ......still rebelling against me. I put them to work on Friday, I haven't done a hike like that in years, maybe more than  a decade.  Not forever though, I used to hike quite a lot.  But to go on something like that and not even condition them for it?  Lol.

G'day.

ben